Cold Feet? (WARNING: LONG POST!)

[aljdewey]

Date: 2/10/2006 12:21:39 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae

The only thing is, how long will this period of trying last? You know how it is, both people try for a little while until things are better, then they go back to their old ways.

If you''re a very lucky woman, the period of trying will last throughout your marriage. Once people stop trying, that''s when it stops working.

That does mean it''s uphill trying every day. It means there are periods where it will feel like it''s no effort at all, and there are periods when it feels like trying to push a whole watermelon through a plastic drinking straw by blowing on it.

Over time, the watermelon times become less frequent, and the watermelon shrinks a bit.

 

[DonaBella]

Premarital counseling, reading the recommended books, dates without talk of the upcoming nuptials are all worth pursuing...You are to be commended for sharing your feelings, it means you sincerely care and are aware that this may or may not be a problem.

I have faith that you will find the best avenue for you and your FI and work through this rough patch...if it means delaying things a bit, so be it, but don''t make any permanent decisions while you are in the state of mind you are currently in. It is seriously worth the investment into a therapist/counselor. They have the knowledge and experience to advise you without making you feel guilty.

I will have you in my thoughts...

 

[Rebemdee]

There is a REALLY good book, "The Conscious Bride," by Sheryl Nissinen, that demystifies being a bride, and confronts the whirlwind of strange and scary emotions that occur from engagement to after the marriage. It''s worth checking out. I hope this helps.

 

[Rebemdee]

Date: 2/12/2006 4:17:17 AM
Author: Rebemdee
There is a REALLY good book, 'The Conscious Bride,' by Sheryl Nissinen, that demystifies being a bride, and confronts the whirlwind of strange and scary emotions that occur from engagement to after the marriage. It's worth checking out. I hope this helps.

Okay, I feel like a total dork. Is the option to send a private message gone? I can't figure out how to do it now!

Anyway, I have a copy of this book and I'm done reading it. If you would like to have it I'm happy to send it to you, Aphis. If you can figure out how to private message and want the book, let me know your address and I'll get it in the mail to you.

Edited to add:
I again feel like a dork, because I looked at the link to the other thread at the beginning of this one, and "The Conscious Bride" was mentioned there too! I'm really behind the times.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 2/13/2006 1:55:03 AM
Author: Rebemdee

Date: 2/12/2006 4:17:17 AM
Author: Rebemdee
There is a REALLY good book, ''The Conscious Bride,'' by Sheryl Nissinen, that demystifies being a bride, and confronts the whirlwind of strange and scary emotions that occur from engagement to after the marriage. It''s worth checking out. I hope this helps.

Okay, I feel like a total dork. Is the option to send a private message gone? I can''t figure out how to do it now!

Anyway, I have a copy of this book and I''m done reading it. If you would like to have it I''m happy to send it to you, Aphis. If you can figure out how to private message and want the book, let me know your address and I''ll get it in the mail to you.

Edited to add:
I again feel like a dork, because I looked at the link to the other thread at the beginning of this one, and ''The Conscious Bride'' was mentioned there too! I''m really behind the times.

Ha ha, you''re so funny... Thanks so much for the offer, but I wouldn''t want you to go through so much trouble. There isn''t really a way for me to send you my address through here anyway because they got rid of the PM system. I''ll just stop by Books a Million or Barnes and Noble sometime this week and get a copy. I appreciate it though!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

You know what I think is funny? Almost 850 views of this thread and only 30-something responses. I guess we have a lot of lurkers and not a lot of posters right now.

 

[marvel]

I admit it...I''m a lurker

I didn''t post anything b/c I don''t think I have any sage advice. But, I certainly can relate to how you''re feeling.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

ha ha, thanks for speaking up and letting me know.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Great, now I''m having DREAMS of fighting with my fiance. This is really getting weird. Almost every night for the past few weeks I''ve had a dream where me and my fiance fought about something. Some of them were dreams he was cheating on me, some were dreams of just plain fighting (over things I can''t figure out) and the rest I don''t remember much. I''d better get that book soon. I''m going tonight. Any input on the possible explanation?

 

[AmberWaves]

I am completely reaching here, but maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you it''s unhappy right now, and is putting the blame on him? Or maybe you''re just dreaming your worst fears... I think that one makes sense. You could just be creating dreamscapes of things you''re worried about happening.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/15/2006 3:24:16 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae
Great, now I''m having DREAMS of fighting with my fiance. This is really getting weird. Almost every night for the past few weeks I''ve had a dream where me and my fiance fought about something. Some of them were dreams he was cheating on me, some were dreams of just plain fighting (over things I can''t figure out) and the rest I don''t remember much. I''d better get that book soon. I''m going tonight. Any input on the possible explanation?

Any explanation on your dreams? I''ve had dreams of my fiance cheating, I''ve also had dreams of me cheating. Those freak me out more.

This is what my dream dicitionary ( http://www.sleeps.com/dictionary/dictionary.html ) says: If you dream of cheating in any manner, either by you, or by your loved one, then this is a direct warning for you to be more circumspect about your actions to and with the opposite sex. It is warning you that if you do not, you will suffer the consequences. If you are the cheater in your dream, you may have a guilty conscious about cheating that has nothing to do with love.

Now I think this is BS because I''ve never cheated on anyone and I''m not hiding anything from my FI. I think I keep having the dreams because I''ve been cheated on several times.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Every cheating dream was him cheating on me. I''ve been cheated on in the past.. Many times.. But I have never really cheated on anyone.

As for the other dreams, it''s hard for me to recall. I just remember that every one involved us fighting over something.

 

[flopkins]

Dreams mean what you make them out to mean... mostly it''s your brain processing what''s happened through the day.

In this case I think it''s just your fears /anxieties about your FI that are coming out in the dream...

 

[countingdown]

Not sure if its ok for a guy to post here but I thought I would give a males perspective. I got engaged this past August. After our engagment we immediately started working on the wedding as well as planning an engagment party. Factor in the that I run a company, she works full time and goes to school full time. It created an immense amount of tension and pressure on both of us. The situation sounds like yours because it got to the point where we did not feel like being around each other. At that point we both decided to take a step back and put the wedding and engagment party on hold. Once that happened and the dust settled things got back to normal. In addition we started attending pre marital counseling which has been a great help. Sometimes like a lot of the others said you just need a little break. We had the engagment party in October and the wedding is this October.

One thing I want to add that, if this is still going on in a month and you are still not feeling a 100% you might want to give consideration to putting the wedding on hold. I know those kind of situations are not ideal but it will be a lot harder to go back once you go down the isle.

 

[decodelighted]

Dreams are really interesting. I''ve heard a few different philosophies about how dreams corrolate to our lives... the ones I can remember

1) dreams are secret wishes (do you want to fight w/ him or him cheat on you so you have a way out?)

2) you are all the characters in your dream (maybe you are conflicted about dueling opinions within yourself and feel you are "cheating" yourself or being more loyal to one side or another)

3) if you are dreaming of someone cheating on you actually they love you a lot.

I have no idea if any of these interpretations are true BTW!!!

 

[marvel]

(((HUGS))), Aphi....I''m still lurking and don''t have advice

 

[Caribou]

Date: 2/15/2006 11:38:56 PM
Author: decodelighted
Dreams are really interesting. I''ve heard a few different philosophies about how dreams corrolate to our lives... the ones I can remember

1) dreams are secret wishes (do you want to fight w/ him or him cheat on you so you have a way out?)

2) you are all the characters in your dream (maybe you are conflicted about dueling opinions within yourself and feel you are ''cheating'' yourself or being more loyal to one side or another)

3) if you are dreaming of someone cheating on you actually they love you a lot.

I have no idea if any of these interpretations are true BTW!!!

I vote for #3!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[LizzieC]

Don''t worry about the dreams!

Putting my neuropsychology background to work here like the geek that I am...

A widely accepted theories is that dreams are just synapses (spaces between brain cells where signals are transferred) randomly firing in your brain. Dreams supposedly don''t actually take place over time. What you experience as the passage of time during your dream doesn''t really exist. Your brain will just construct a narrative at the moment you become conscious, and that narrative will include whatever random firings happened to be occurring in your brain at that exact moment. So if you''ve been thinking or worrying about something, that might work its way into your interpretation of your dream right when you wake up. Funky, eh? I''m not quite sure how sleepwalking/talking fits into this theory, but I think the theorists would probably say that that is an entirely different ball of wax.

Then again, Freud thought all dreams were about sex.

 

[Rebemdee]

Okay, I get to be a geek now! Sleepwalking and talking occur during non-REM sleep, so you aren''t dreaming while they are happening. They are called parasomnias. You are paralyzed during sleep, so you don''t act out your dreams and hurt yourself. When that paralysis doesn''t happen, people act out their dreams and it''s called a REM sleep disorder.

Back to regular discussion!

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I wonder if sleepwalking/talking is related to location. When I lived in the Phillippines from the ages of 2 to 7, my mom said that I sleepwalked and talked at least once a week. She said it was so funny because she would be sitting there talking to my grandmother and I would walk in and speak fluent Chinese to them about all sorts of crap, then I would leave and go back to bed. She said there were times where I would wake up in weird places of the house. Shortly before we moved to the United States, I was sleepwalking and my parents' bedroom door was closed (very unusual because it's never closed), and I walked straight into the door. Really hard! I started screaming bloody murder. Mom said I never did it again after that.. Weird......

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming....

 

[Mara]

I don''t put much stock in dreams, but I thnk that part of that has to do with how secure one feels in a relationship. I say that because in my old relationship, where I wasn''t SURE half the time if not more with the guy (who was great, I just wasn''t sure I was ''feeling it'') I used to have dreams of cheating on him and always would dream about other guys and this and that. I would always be like ''what does that mean''..well I knew full well what it meant THEN for me...which was that my subconcious was telling me HELLO this is not the guy for you no matter how much you may wish it!

Well ffwd to the future when I am with Greg...I don''t really have dreams like that, or if I do, I don''t wake up anxious at all, I wake up BEMUSED because I know I already found the right guy and made the right decision and I typically tell him about them and we have a good laugh (my ex would freak out if I mentioned that I dreamt about other guys), because we know we love each other and dreams are dreams. Heck I have some REALLY odd dreams that don''t have anything to do with ANYTHING sometimes...

Anyway, I would not overly worry about the dreams because you are probably just stressing yourself out about thinking about all of this during waking hours so of course when you are sleeping your mind continues to work...against you sometimes!! BUT if you really feel like the dreams are trying to tell you something that you may be ignoring in the daylight hours, I would explore it a bit mentally.

I also would urge you to go see a therapist or someone you can talk freely to regarding your thoughts, fears, dreams etc. Someone who can maybe help you put things in perspective. Some of this is normal, some may not be, but you are taking a huge step in life with this upcoming marriage, so I would suggest that you (by yourself) work with someone to discuss things with, what if you are not having just regular ole cold feet but have something mentally you need to work out? Or what if it is just cold feet...soemone with experience, a professional can help.

 

[Momoftwo]

My DH and I have been happily married for almost 25 years and we both occasionally have dreams of the other one cheating. We wake up really mad. It means nothing. I''ve been lurking too. I don''t have any real advice as I was not the least big nervous before my wedding. I was young (21) and just didnt'' worry about much of anything. My DH (he ws 24) swears he didnt'' either. Most of my issues were arguing with my mother over what she wanted vs what I did. I think talking to someone is a great idea. I''ve been helping a friend at work who''s getting married for the first time at 37. Her FI is 41 and has been married twice before (both short). They have so many issues because they have lived so much of their lives alone. When they moved in together, they nearly killed each other. I''ve dealt with more crying jags and questions of "am I doing the right thing?" wth her than I''ve ever seen with anyone. I can''t wait til their wedding is over because they''re exhausting me.

Just know that after the wedding hoopla, you can relax and settle down to your lives. Right now, it''s all about the wedding and all the decisions and trying to please everyone.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Hello Aphi....I was so taken by your post that I wanted to respond with a possibly different perspective. First, I agree with everyone here. I remember the months before our wedding were some of the worst! We even apologized to our neighbors upon leaving for our honeymoon for any disturbances we might have caused them due to our arguing....they responded with "You were arguing?" I guess our walls were more insulated than we thought....

However, I see something that may be exacerbating your stress....depression....now before I get slammed, let me explain...there are many indicators of depression, which you''ve described succinctly in your post. Let me give the indicators/symptoms in relation to your post:

Libido: "And the sex? I won''t go there.... Let''s just say I haven''t been interested nearly as much as I used to."
Anhedonia (Loss of Pleasure): "Things that he talks about that used to interest me, no longer interests me at all."
Appetite: You didn''t mention this issue either.
Concentration: "I don''t pay much attention when he comes over."
Energy: "the damn yard (he loves gardening... I used to!)"
Suicidal Thoughts: Don''t see that at all here....thank goodness!
Self-worth: "Who''s fault? I believe mine, mostly (90%)."
Sleep Changes: You didn''t mention anything about this.
Social/Occupational Impairment: "It just seems that these past couple of months have been really bad between me and my fiance"

Technically, in order to be diagnosed with depression, you have to have 5 of these 9 symptoms....I''m hearing it loud and clear....therapy would be helpful for you to deal with these issues....and provide some perspective for you...

Please look into this.....you''ve got so much to look forward to and depression-like issues only cloud them and make things worse......

I wish only the best for you....

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 2/16/2006 7:09:59 PM
Author: AChiOAlumna
Hello Aphi....I was so taken by your post that I wanted to respond with a possibly different perspective. First, I agree with everyone here. I remember the months before our wedding were some of the worst! We even apologized to our neighbors upon leaving for our honeymoon for any disturbances we might have caused them due to our arguing....they responded with 'You were arguing?' I guess our walls were more insulated than we thought....


However, I see something that may be exacerbating your stress....depression....now before I get slammed, let me explain...there are many indicators of depression, which you've described succinctly in your post. Let me give the indicators/symptoms in relation to your post:


Libido: 'And the sex? I won't go there.... Let's just say I haven't been interested nearly as much as I used to.'

Anhedonia (Loss of Pleasure): 'Things that he talks about that used to interest me, no longer interests me at all.'

Appetite: You didn't mention this issue either.

Concentration: 'I don't pay much attention when he comes over.'

Energy: 'the damn yard (he loves gardening... I used to!)'

Suicidal Thoughts: Don't see that at all here....thank goodness!

Self-worth: 'Who's fault? I believe mine, mostly (90%).'

Sleep Changes: You didn't mention anything about this.

Social/Occupational Impairment: 'It just seems that these past couple of months have been really bad between me and my fiance'


Technically, in order to be diagnosed with depression, you have to have 5 of these 9 symptoms....I'm hearing it loud and clear....therapy would be helpful for you to deal with these issues....and provide some perspective for you...


Please look into this.....you've got so much to look forward to and depression-like issues only cloud them and make things worse......


I wish only the best for you....

Don't worry, no slamming from me!

I admit I may still have a mild to moderate case of depression. I was diagnosed when I was with my ex (about 3 or 4 years ago), but I didn't get treatment because my insurance ran out (I had military insurance and they dropped me when I reached a certain age). I was prescribed an antidepressant (Celexa), but I really didn't see that it was working so I only take it sporadically. I don't see any change in my appetite right now, and I've ALWAYS had problems sleeping (since high school). I just don't know what to do for help. I can't really afford a therapist right now. Not unless I get the job I'm waiting to hear about.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 2/16/2006 7:18:51 PM
Author: aphisiglovessae
Don't worry, no slamming from me!

I admit I may still have a mild to moderate case of depression. I was diagnosed when I was with my ex (about 3 or 4 years ago), but I didn't get treatment because my insurance ran out (I had military insurance and they dropped me when I reached a certain age). I was prescribed an antidepressant (Celexa), but I really didn't see that it was working so I only take it sporadically. I don't see any change in my appetite right now, and I've ALWAYS had problems sleeping (since high school). I just don't know what to do for help. I can't really afford a therapist right now. Not unless I get the job I'm waiting to hear about.

Thank you for not slamming me!

First...taking Celexa sporadically doesn't work...you either need to take it or not...it's not like taking an aspirin, which you stop taking when the headache goes away. Celexa (and any other antidepressant) needs to maintain a constant level in your body to work effectively. So it won't wrk to it's full potential if it's taken sporatically.

You may want to see if there is a low-cost clinic in your area that can help you....knowing that you have a history of depression tells me that I'm not far off base here. With the stress of the wedding, it's now wonder that it's triggering your depression.

There are also websites where you can find therapists who have a sliding-scale. The most well-known one is www.psychologytoday.com.

Please find the resources to get help....finding support is never a bad thing. *HUGS*

 

[Dancing Fire]

aph
dreams are just dreams. i dream that 2ct diamonds were pouring down from the sky during a rain storm, it hasn''t happen yet,so depressing.

 

[aphisiglovessae]

AChiO ~ Thanks, I have a lot of Celexa left (I was only taking half a pill a day and I still have like 90 whole pills or something) so I guess I''ll try taking them on a daily basis and see if that helps. I also talked to my matron of honor about this and she said that when she was planning her wedding her doctor put her on something for stress. She told me what it was, but I don''t remember. I think it started with a B. Anyway, I''m not a big fan of pills so I try to keep them at a minimum (mainly vitamins), but if it''ll help I guess I''ll try. I also thought about maybe trying to see one of the psychology professors at the University I work at right now. I think that students get free counseling or something.

Dancing Fire ~ When that dream comes true, I''ll be right there with you!!