Cohabitation Statistics

[KimberlyH]

Here are some links to cohabitation statistics. I tried to include a variety of stats provided by both religious and non-religious groups. There is so much information out there on this subject and it is, as I said, easy to sway information to represent ones personal point of view. Some of the information does represent the discussion we had in stillwaiting''s hijacked thread, that people who intend not to get married, won''t and those who do will.





http://marriage.about.com/od/cohabitation/qt/cohabfacts.htm

These two are interesting:

"If cohabitation is limited to a person''s future spouse, there is no elevated risk of divorce.
In the U.S., cohabiting couples taking premarital education courses or counseling are not at a higher risk for divorce."





http://www.unmarried.org/statistics.html





http://www.unmarried.org/cohabfaq.php





For those who reside in the U.K.

http://www.statistics.gov.uk/CCI/nscl.asp?ID=7450





http://www.family.org/cforum/fosi/marriage/cohabitation/a0025612.cfm

 

[Christa]

Vey interesting, Kimberly!

Date: 10/12/2006 2:19:22 PM
Author:KimberlyH

'If cohabitation is limited to a person's future spouse, there is no elevated risk of divorce.

Yes, however,

"Just over 50% of first cohabiting couples ever get married."

 

[therighttime]

What''s the difference between actually living together in the same home vs. staying together practically every night but still having separate places of your own? If you stay together every night do you fall into the statistics of "living together before marriage"? I just wonder because I read so many posts where people refer to the fact that the poster and FI are together all the time, spend the night together each night, or the proposal was in bed the next morning, etc... Seems to me that these couples are practically living together anyway and are adjusting to habits, lifestyles, etc already.

Probably not really on the topic of this thread exactly, so I apologize. I was just curious. My BF and I rarely ever spend the night together. I could count the number of times in 3 years on one hand. I have an 8 year old child though and he is only gone on Friday nights which would be the only night BF could stay over. I just assume that when we get married we would have a lot more adjusting to do than those couples who are already together 24/7.

 

[Maria D]

Date: 10/12/2006 4:04:52 PM
Author: therighttime
I just assume that when we get married we would have a lot more adjusting to do than those couples who are already together 24/7.

Oh, I don''t know about that. When DH and I were dating we rarely spent the night together. His apartment was a lot nicer and the one we hung out in the most, but I always wanted to get back to mine at night because my cat was waiting for me. We had no trouble at all adjusting when we got married and moved in together. I''ll bet there''s plenty of people who live together that can say the same thing -- that the adjustment period was easy. And then there''s people who have rocky "adjustment periods" that never end -- whether they are cohabitating or married!

 

[KimberlyH]

I started this thread so that poor stillwaiting didn't feel like her thread was just a forum to discuss whatever we felt like as opposed to discussing the topic she wanted...in other words, I was ceasing a thread hijack.

I am not for or against cohabititing, just wanted to share some statistics from a variety of sources as people seem very interested.

ETA: therighttime--I'm saying this so you know that you can discuss whatever you'd like, this thread isn't to help me figure anything out, it was just a way to give people a place to discuss the statistics they seemed to be interested in. Hijack away!

 

[KimberlyH]

As for the issue of spending the night, my husband and I rarely stayed overnight together while dating because we were always at my house and my bed was just too small. I lived near his 86 yr old mother who we take care of and at the time were either preparing her dinner or eating with her every night. He lived 45 mins the opposite direction from my house so by the time I was done commuting 45 minutes each way and we had dinner with her I was just don''t being in the car. Anyways, we moved in post marriage and adjusted easily.


Different people handle such situations very differently. My husband thought up every potential issues we may face sharing space and did everything in our power to minimize those things. We purchased a house that allows us each to have our own office so we don''t get in one another''s way and have a private retreat that is decorated in our individual styles, etc. My sister and her hubby, who spent 3 nights 4 days together every weekend for the duration of their dating relationship, moved into a 1 bedroom apartment with little space to sprawl out and retreat. I''m sure this has a lot to do with why they struggled. I know not everyone has the advantage that we do of our own space, the point is just to share what can happen in different circumstances as circumstances surrounding cohabitation and marriage have much to do with outcomes.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/12/2006 1:44:39 PM
Author: laine

Hi Musey,

I'm a huge lover of GOOD stats, as I'm in a sociology/criminology phd program right now. I've actually been meaning to look up some of the cohabitation research (my boyfriend and I fall into the 'cohabiting couple who already intended to marry' category). Could you recommend some good researchers to keep an eye out for (your prof, perhaps)? Thanks!

~Laine


(please excuse my slight hijack)

I brought this over from the other thread, hopefully Laine will find it!

My professor is Lynne Casper. She was a sociological statistician for the national government until my U. wooed her into professorship

this past year. Our primary textbook was written by her (big surprise!) and is called "Continuity and Change in the American Family."

Right now we're studying Linda Waite, Steven L. Nock, and David Popenoe. They're all family sociologists, and they have really varying viewpoints. The class is mostly centered around marriage stats (GOOD ones!! haha) and moreover, how parent composition effects children. So all the marriage research we've been learning about (and that I've been referencing here) is mostly the exposition leading up to the nitty gritty details child care and development.

I live in a LARGE city, so everything I hear and think (including in class) is bound to be slanted toward a more modern approach to relationships. From a cultural evolutionary standpoint, Europe is "setting the standards," as it were, for the future of relationships (lack of importance set on marriage as compared to the US, but more successfully long-lasting partnerships). Everything they were doing 15 years ago, we're doing now. Interesting how we always seem to follow in their footsteps!

 

[galeteia]

The link to the results of the religious divorce rates can be found in the references at the bottom of this page.

The comments made by the Atheist 'spokesperson' were phrased in a very harsh and judgemental way, which I found ironic, as he's mimicking the tone of the very people he's deriding.

 

[galeteia]

Interesting that there is a commonality over the difference between "I think you might be The One. Let''s find out." and "Eh, we might as well shack up, we''re practically living together already." being the really crucial piece in the recipe for Happy Co-Habitor or Miserable LIW.

I agree that the lack of clarity over which it is leads to some very heartbroken folk, of either gender. I wonder if living together just makes it that much harder to pull back and admit that it''s not Meant To Be, regardless of how much you will it to be so. That investment makes you more resistant to just walking away, so you delude yourself into thinking there is hope... hmm.

An interesting topic, to be sure.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/13/2006 2:23:56 AM
Author: Galateia

I wonder if living together just makes it that much harder to pull back and admit that it''s not Meant To Be, regardless of how much you will it to be so. That investment makes you more resistant to just walking away, so you delude yourself into thinking there is hope... hmm.

What a sad thought, but true for so very many people, I''m sure. It''s a shame how so many of us get locked into a relationship that isn''t necessarily fulfilling just because we want him to be "the one" so badly, after all the time and effort put into the relationship. One of my friends is going through that right now. Post-breakup, she''s not missing him nearly as much as she''s disappointed in all the time she wasted trying to make him "the one." They weren''t living together, but similar all the same.

Why can''t everything be easier! Men should walk up to us with a big sign on the front that either says "THE ONE" or "NOT THE ONE." Ah, wouldn''t life be grant?

(kidding, of course)

 

[Pandora II]

Lol, I remember my father being so irate at one or other of mine or my sister's ex-bfs that he decided that we needed an old fashioned matchmaker. He would find 20 men with suitable jobs, qualifications, ambitions and of good character and we had to choose one.

My sister was outraged.

I was like: 20 pre-screened eligible men!!! Bring them on Pops.

Sadly, he never even brought home one...

 

[vivosogno]

I think that statistics are always interesting but unless there is information behind them they don''t really mean that much. For example: cohabitated couples are more likely to get divored. But why?

I''ve read that the answer is that because usually cohabitating couples are more likely to entertain the thought of divorce. Well, so just because you are living together doesnt really mean that you are more likely to get divorced. You kind of have to look at why things look that way.

Even though I live with my boyfriend I know that when I get married that it. Divorce is not a consideration (although, I''m not sure anyone is going to say they are going to get divorced).

I''m not sure if I explained that very well. I really like looking at the statistics but just trying to keep in mind its not as black and white as it seems.

 

[musey]

Date: 10/19/2006 12:04:31 AM
Author: vivosogno
I think that statistics are always interesting but unless there is information behind them they don''t really mean that much. For example: cohabitated couples are more likely to get divored. But why?

This is actually what ended up getting discussed in stillwaiting''s thread, "how do I know if I should move on?" which you can read here if you''re curious about what was said

 

[KimberlyH]

Vivo,

I think most people get married thinking that''s it for life. But it obviously doesn''t work out that way as so many marriages end in divorce (I''ve read anywhere from 40-60%). Cohabitation comes up on this board a lot, so I just wanted to share some of the "why" as well as the numbers. Depending on where the information comes from, the why is a bit different. In some cases it''s that the cohabitating couple never intended to marry, in others it''s not. There are a multitude of reasons why marriages fail, perhaps cohabitation is one of the many.

Here''s to everyone who participates on this board never getting divorced!

 

[poptart]

First off, this is such an interesting thread! As I was reading that link to the statistics I was curious about the veracity of the religious tie to the study. I think marriage and quality of marriage are two very different things. For instance, just because one religious group has a lower divorce rate is not necessarily relevant because there might be more bad marriages and people just can''t get out of them. Both my family and my husband''s family is Catholic, we went to Catholic school, and church every Sunday... the whole nine yards. And although the two of us chose not to continue in this particular faith, I think that the family values instilled when we were younger helps us in our marriage, as does having good role models of married couples.

I also know a woman who cannot get out of her marriage due to her religious choice (they don''t allow divorce) and so she is stuck in an unhappy as well as unhealthy relationship. So although the statistics for this religion say they have a lower divorce rate, the quality of the marriage is horrible, thus making the statistic unimportant. But still... I liked reading the evidence that the study found and thought it was all very captivating. Most of all though, I think it is having a good marital role model that helps couples stay together, rather than cohabitating or not cohabitating. I almost think that if a relationship is going to fail, it will fail eventually, whether or not you live together before marriage. It''s just if you lived together first you might notice more problems in the relationship before the marriage rather than after. But the problems would still exist either way, right? Or maybe I am totally not understanding, this is a complete possibility as well. Just a thought!

Marisa

 

[KimberlyH]

poptart,

Some of the links I provided were to studies performed by religious groups, others were not. It is interesting that everyone can put their twist on stats to make them fit their viewpoint of the world, both the extremely religious as well as those who are pro-cohabitation. Ultimately it is about commitment to making a marriage work, even if it''s a miserable one such as the woman you mentioned, that makes the stats so. I''m not advocating staying in a bad marriage for the sake of religious beliefs. I am an advocate of knowing ones partner as well as possible. In my opinion, at the forefront should be women spending less time focusing on a wedding and more on the rest of one''s life because the wedding only lasts a day and men not getting married because it''s time, but because they''ve found a person they can''t live without. This discovery can include cohabitiation and yes it works for some, but it doesn''t work for everyone and isn''t the right choice for each couple. I think if people spent more time getting to know one another and being honest with themselves and each other about compatability (wanting children vs. not, how to handle finances, priorities as individuals, etc.) there would be a lot less divorce. It''s much easier to be an ostrich in love than a person who faces issues head on and figures out what exactly it is they want out of life and how the person they are choosing to spend their life with fits into that picture.

 

[poptart]

Date: 10/19/2006 1:18:54 PM
Author: KimberlyH
poptart,

Some of the links I provided were to studies performed by religious groups, others were not. It is interesting that everyone can put their twist on stats to make them fit their viewpoint of the world, both the extremely religious as well as those who are pro-cohabitation. Ultimately it is about commitment to making a marriage work, even if it''s a miserable one such as the woman you mentioned, that makes the stats so. I''m not advocating staying in a bad marriage for the sake of religious beliefs. I am an advocate of knowing ones partner as well as possible. In my opinion, at the forefront should be women spending less time focusing on a wedding and more on the rest of one''s life because the wedding only lasts a day and men not getting married because it''s time, but because they''ve found a person they can''t live without. This discovery can include cohabitiation and yes it works for some, but it doesn''t work for everyone and isn''t the right choice for each couple. I think if people spent more time getting to know one another and being honest with themselves and each other about compatability (wanting children vs. not, how to handle finances, priorities as individuals, etc.) there would be a lot less divorce. It''s much easier to be an ostrich in love than a person who faces issues head on and figures out what exactly it is they want out of life and how the person they are choosing to spend their life with fits into that picture.

Kimberly,

I think you actually hit on what I was trying to say better than I did

. Cohabitation works best, I think, on a case by case basis -- it will work for some and not for others, like you said. I think many people believe that cohabitation is the best way to get to know someone because you spend so much more time together, but obviously it isn''t always a good idea. I think you said earlier that people should live together only if they know what the other wants/needs out of the relationship as a whole, and this is so true. I was just wondering if anyone else thought that living together would not necessarily make things better or worse because the problems are still there and need to be dealt with, and so I think you answered my question when you said that it is better to face things head on. The only other thing I was trying to highlight with my above statement was how confusing statistics can be because they are just numbers and you don''t get an entire history of the people who participated. I always take statistics with a grain of salt, just to be safe. It''s great hearing everyone''s opinion on this subject, especially since they are so varied.

Marisa

 

[fisherofmengirly]

As a former psychology student, I am always enthralled with a particular organization or group''s ability to skew *facts* to fit their agenda. Statistics are indeed very skewed, in all situations. Still, there is a purpose to statistics, and the reasons behind why people do them. If all we care about is whether or not people remain married after a certain number of years, what''s the point? Statistics that help shed light on a situation include more than just the stats, but also the study group and an arena of variables that are discussed, as well as what they''re trying to conclude from doing the study. The *WHY* is the big thing, at least to me it is. Who cares about numbers if they don''t answer anything?

Again, it''s hard for a person who has strong convictions *let go* of them, for the sake of a study not being skewed or otherwise. The studies I''ve read and looked into, particularly in 2001, when I did a project on this matter, basically concluded that marriage is about what you come into it for. If you come in for life, for better or worse, with the dedication to make it work, then it''s much more likely that you''ll not just run or throw your hands up when things get rough, because they undoubtably will at times. How does this fit into cohabitation? That''s something that is easily skewed, too. What I''ve mostly read, and experienced from friends and co-workers'' line of thought is that when you live together, it seems like a marriage already, and therefore, when you are married, it''s really *not that big of a deal* as in there aren''t that many life changes that occur, signifying the deep level of commitment that a marriage is. When I''ve questioned friends about this who do live together, they''ll sometimes disagree, but typically do say that marriage is just the formality, making it legal. If you see it as that, then that''s all it is, and anything legal/formal can be undone, if there is a clause that allows it. Divorce is that clause.

 

[Christa]

Date: 10/20/2006 7:11:00 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly
As a former psychology student, I am always enthralled with a particular organization or group''s ability to skew *facts* to fit their agenda. Statistics are indeed very skewed, in all situations. Still, there is a purpose to statistics, and the reasons behind why people do them. If all we care about is whether or not people remain married after a certain number of years, what''s the point? Statistics that help shed light on a situation include more than just the stats, but also the study group and an arena of variables that are discussed, as well as what they''re trying to conclude from doing the study. The *WHY* is the big thing, at least to me it is. Who cares about numbers if they don''t answer anything?

Again, it''s hard for a person who has strong convictions *let go* of them, for the sake of a study not being skewed or otherwise. The studies I''ve read and looked into, particularly in 2001, when I did a project on this matter, basically concluded that marriage is about what you come into it for. If you come in for life, for better or worse, with the dedication to make it work, then it''s much more likely that you''ll not just run or throw your hands up when things get rough, because they undoubtably will at times. How does this fit into cohabitation? That''s something that is easily skewed, too. What I''ve mostly read, and experienced from friends and co-workers'' line of thought is that when you live together, it seems like a marriage already, and therefore, when you are married, it''s really *not that big of a deal* as in there aren''t that many life changes that occur, signifying the deep level of commitment that a marriage is. When I''ve questioned friends about this who do live together, they''ll sometimes disagree, but typically do say that marriage is just the formality, making it legal. If you see it as that, then that''s all it is, and anything legal/formal can be undone, if there is a clause that allows it. Divorce is that clause.

Great points, Fisher. I agree that your attitude about marriage is the biggest determining factor, and now that I think of it, people with the "for better or worse, no matter what" mindset are probably less likely to cohabitate, so that could indirectly affect the statistics.

Personally I went into marriage with the attitude that unless he beats me or develops an unhealthy interest in small children, there''s no getting out of this. And since I''m "stuck" with him (ooh, Huey Lewis is running in my head), it''s to my own advantage to make sure both of us are happy. So far it''s worked for 16 years.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Yay for you Christa!

Yeah, sometimes people think that by the mindset of "for better or worse, this is a lifelong commitment," that people mean they''ll stay in abusive or otherwise threatening and unsafe relationships. For most, it does not. It means, "come what may, we''ll find a way to work through it together, for the betterment of us both, together."

 

[KimberlyH]

How do you all feel about marriaged couples that don''t live together? I have a friend who has been married for 1.5 years and still doesn''t live with her husband for a lot of reasons (I wish she had never married him but that''s besides the point). Some couples do better apart. Perhaps the seperation is due to career change or not wanting children to change school etc. But they still consider themselves to be married couples.

 

[poptart]

Date: 10/22/2006 8:34:50 PM
Author: KimberlyH
How do you all feel about marriaged couples that don''t live together? I have a friend who has been married for 1.5 years and still doesn''t live with her husband for a lot of reasons (I wish she had never married him but that''s besides the point). Some couples do better apart. Perhaps the seperation is due to career change or not wanting children to change school etc. But they still consider themselves to be married couples.

I think that would be pretty unhealthy for the relationship... especially for an extended period of time. One of the important parts of being married is living together and learning to work together, which isn''t really necessary if you aren''t living together. Does your friend live far away from her husband? As in they don''t see each other on a regular basis. If a couple does better apart, then my question would be why are they still together in the first place. Maybe I just don''t get it since I couldn''t really imagine not living with my DH now that we do live together. If not living together is a temporary situation, as in just a few months, I can understand that.... but as a whole the concept seems very foreign to me. I haven''t ever heard of people doing that.

Marisa

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 10/22/2006 8:53:02 PM
Author: poptart

Date: 10/22/2006 8:34:50 PM
Author: KimberlyH
How do you all feel about marriaged couples that don''t live together? I have a friend who has been married for 1.5 years and still doesn''t live with her husband for a lot of reasons (I wish she had never married him but that''s besides the point). Some couples do better apart. Perhaps the seperation is due to career change or not wanting children to change school etc. But they still consider themselves to be married couples.

I think that would be pretty unhealthy for the relationship... especially for an extended period of time. One of the important parts of being married is living together and learning to work together, which isn''t really necessary if you aren''t living together. Does your friend live far away from her husband? As in they don''t see each other on a regular basis. If a couple does better apart, then my question would be why are they still together in the first place. Maybe I just don''t get it since I couldn''t really imagine not living with my DH now that we do live together. If not living together is a temporary situation, as in just a few months, I can understand that.... but as a whole the concept seems very foreign to me. I haven''t ever heard of people doing that.

Marisa

Poptart,

They have an extremely odd relationship. They live about 10 miles apart and see one another on scheduled days. She''s now 5 months pregnant and they''re considering moving in together "soon." There are a lot of details that aren''t mine to share about their relationship, but it''s very different, the whole relationship. Their ideal would be to own a duplex and each live in one 1/2 of it. Not my cup of tea, but it works for them and they''ve been together for 6 years total.

 

[poptart]

Kimberly,

That is unique indeed... I have never heard of that. Thanks for shedding some light on that situation, hope I wasn''t too nosy. Just curious!

Marisa

 

[KimberlyH]

Not too nosey at all! What made me think of it was actually a newspaper article I read recently about married couples who live in different cities all together due to career or simply location preference. The couple and/or kids get together on weekends or whatever, but live apart during the week. One woman refused to leave her home so she and her kids remain in a suburb in middle America somewhere and the husband resides in a big city for work. It was really interesting.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

I think the reason why a couple lives in differing areas has a big influence as to what *I* think about it. I have a friend who''s husband is serving the country, and it''s been a horrible time in their relationship, in dealing with their children, and it''s also been a strengthening time for them. She didn''t realize all she relied upon him for, what a *team* they were. He, too, sends her letters about how much he never realized the support and love he gets from her means to him, now that it''s not so readily available. In cases like these, it sucks, but can also ultimately be something that creates a stronger relationship upon the return to living under the same roof. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," so to speak.

On the other hand, I have a family member who married a man who never sold his "bachelor pad," and he inhabits it basically as he sees fit. When things get rough, he runs there. It''s not due to long distance commutes, work, or anything else. He just leaves when things get tough. That''s not a good idea, in my eyes, and weakens what a marriage is meant to be. Marriage is about overcoming the things that bog you down, the areas where you need to grow together. They''re married, but they don''t act as a *team," which is exactly what I look forward to in marriage. I can''t wait to be married and know that come what may, my husband will be there, with me, as we sort out things together, and rejoice together when we pass through the rough times to enjoy richer, more intimate good times, because of the work put in what our *team* will be.

Anyway, I guess it all goes back, again, to what people see marriage is. To some, just surviving is enough. And if *surviving* means remaining married, but living in different homes, that''s an odd definition of what marriage was initially meant to be.

 

[CaptAubrey]

Date: 10/23/2006 1:16:04 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Not too nosey at all! What made me think of it was actually a newspaper article I read recently about married couples who live in different cities all together due to career or simply location preference. The couple and/or kids get together on weekends or whatever, but live apart during the week. One woman refused to leave her home so she and her kids remain in a suburb in middle America somewhere and the husband resides in a big city for work. It was really interesting.

The Captain''s father and stepmother have been married over 20 years, and I would estimate that they have cohabited for no more than 2/3 of that time, and it''s not because they''ve ever had any kind of separation or serious dispute (they do have a lot of loud, silly arguments, but I''ve concluded that''s simply how they communicate...). It''s because they are what you might call "serial employees." During that 20 years, I don''t think either of them has held a single job more than 5 years, and in most cases, their jobs last no more than two. So they move, change jobs, move again, change jobs again, etc., often finding themselves needing to commute long enough distances that separate households are necessary. Right now my father is working and living in one city during the week and driving 200 miles back home for the weekend, every week, and he''s been doing it about a year. I couldn''t do it, but it seems to work for them.

 

[poptart]

style="WIDTH: 92.6%; HEIGHT: 201px">Date: 10/23/2006 7:35:06 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly
I think the reason why a couple lives in differing areas has a big influence as to what *I* think about it. I have a friend who''s husband is serving the country, and it''s been a horrible time in their relationship, in dealing with their children, and it''s also been a strengthening time for them. She didn''t realize all she relied upon him for, what a *team* they were. He, too, sends her letters about how much he never realized the support and love he gets from her means to him, now that it''s not so readily available. In cases like these, it sucks, but can also ultimately be something that creates a stronger relationship upon the return to living under the same roof. ''Absence makes the heart grow fonder,'' so to speak.

Whenever you are married to someone in the military I think it puts the relationship into perspective a lot. Many people do not realize how wonderful it is to be able to see their spouse every day, to make decisions about what to do and how much time to spend together. So don''t take it for granted! And your right, absence does make the heart grow fonder... to a point. And then you kind of just snap (personal experience here). I think that is the main reason living apart is so unfathomable to me. But I guess it''s more because we are forced to be apart rather than choosing it. That does make a big difference!

Marisa