Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors

[Lauren8211]

I know this is kind of a personal topic, but with so many people on this message board, I imagine someone else has been through this also.

If you''ve been through some sort of childhood trauma (sexual or otherwise), how has this affected your adult relationships? What have you done to help the situation?

I feel like sometimes it really affects my current relationship. It causes me to shut down a lot and close FF (and most others) out. It affects self-esteem, and it really causes me to seek to FF for validation. This is something he should not be responsible for. He''s very understanding, and knows my story, but I love him enough to NOT want to make this a burden on him. I''ve been to therapy, and it hasnt seemed to help. Maybe I''m shutting down there too?

I don''t know. I''ve come a LONG way since I started dealing with this, but sometimes I think I''ve gotten to the point where I don''t know if I can change anymore. I''m scared that certain aspects of my personality are just beyond my control now.

Just wondering if anyone else has been through something like this, or something similar.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Elle, I'm so sorry that you're going through this! ((((HUGS))))

I was abused as a child (although not sexually) by my mother's ex-husband. (My dad was her first husband; the person in question was her second husband and was my stepfather for 13 years. She is now on marriage number three to a really great guy.)

My Mom married this guy when I was only 7 years old, and they divorced when I was 20. She left him two weeks after I moved out of the house. I think she really wanted that marriage to work, since her marriage to my Dad had ended in divorce, and she didn't want to go through another divorce. Also, I think she had good intentions of making sure I had a "father figure" in the house. Well, I did have a father figure while I was growing up . . . MY DAD!!!

Anyway, my former stepfather (I'll call him "D") was a total jerk. He was horrible to both my Mom and me, but especially to me. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. He told me on a very regular basis that I was stupid, ugly, worthless, would never make anything of myself, and would never even be a good wife for anybody. He very often said these things directly to my face. He also said these things to other people about me, often when he KNEW that I was within earshot. He never physically hit me, but he drew back to hit me twice. I firmly believe that he knew full well that, if he EVER hit me, I would go to my Dad and my Dad would call the cops. D was very concerned with outward appearances, and wanted to make sure we looked like the "perfect family." My Dad and Stepmom knew that I didn't get along with him, but they didn't know how bad it was. I tried to hide it from them, because I didn't want to leave my Mom alone in that house, and I knew my Dad would try to get custody of me if he knew how horrible D was. As much as I wanted to go and live with my Dad and Stepmom, I was so scared to leave my Mom alone with D, because I just didn't trust him. I was afraid of what he'd do to her if I wasn't there to be a witness.

I can honestly say that D is the only person in the entire world that I truly hate. I've tried to forgive him, and I just can't. And I don't really think I should be expected to.

I have been in therapy because of this, and I think it has helped some. I still have days when my self-esteem is in the toilet, but it's not nearly as bad as it was when I was in high school and college. (I'm 30 now.) I do think I'm sometimes unfair to DH because of this, and because of my abusive first marriage. I guess I have a lot of "baggage." DH knows my history, though, and he's very understanding. He knows that there are going to be days when maybe I react inappropriately to something he says or does, and that I don't mean to but I just can't help it.

Elle, if I were you, I would definitely continue with the therapy. Maybe even do a few joint therapy sessions with FF? Maybe you're just not "clicking" with your current therapist, and maybe you need to find another one. I think therapy is NEVER a bad thing, but some therapists are better than others if that makes any sense? ((((HUGS))))

ETA: I love your new avatar!

 

[Lauren8211]

Thanks so much for your reply, Irishgrrl.

((((Hugs)))) to you too for going through this, and dealing with it!

I can only imagine what it must have been like to live in a house like that!

I have done a lot so far. Just to give a background, I was abused for years by my step-brother who was 5 years older than me, and also by my best friends dad when I was in first grade. I didn''t deal with any of this ( I am pretty sure I blocked it out) until I had my first boyfriend at around 17. He was my "first" and the first time brought on this huge surge of WTH is wrong with me? I had been acting out and drinking a lot before I met him, my grades plummeted, I got into drugs. Once I started seeing my ex, and started being intimate with him, I got a rush of memories and feelings and everything came back to me. I went away to college, but was so depressed that I literally sat in my room and cried 24 hours a day. I didn''t leave my dorm room. My roommate must''ve thought I was insane. I couldnt eat or sleep. I lost about 35 pounds. I "revictimized" myself in college by getting too drunk around guys who I knew would try something with me regardless of whether I was passed out drunk or not (even though I had a boyfriend). I stayed with that boyfriend for 5 years, while all of this unraveled. He became emotionally abusive, and only perpetuated the problems. He made me pay for years.

Once I got out of that tornado of a situation, I got out the other side and had no idea who I was. I had to build from the ground up. Now I''m at the point where I am so critical of myself. I won''t let myself get away with ANYTHING that might play me as a victim. Like you said, you may react differently to situations with your SO because of how you had to protect yourself as a child. I am NOT OK with that. I feel like by letting those things affect my personality, I''m giving in to what happened. And I''m stubborn! So I''m constantly trying to fight these urges and feelings that come to me so naturally. I hate that I''m so timid, and anxiety ridden, and a control freak. I feel like the minute I stop controlling or worrying everything will fall apart.

I''ve tried therapy several times, but I always end up quitting. Which, in turn, pisses me off, because I''m quitting, and I then again become critical of myself.

It''s like I can''t turn it off! And I''m sure all of this controlling behavior, anxiety, and lack of self-esteem takes a toll on FF. Poor guy. But my goodness he is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Whew.

Thanks for the avatar support, also.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 9/15/2008 9:32:44 AM
Author: elledizzy5
Thanks so much for your reply, Irishgrrl.

((((Hugs)))) to you too for going through this, and dealing with it!

I can only imagine what it must have been like to live in a house like that!

I have done a lot so far. Just to give a background, I was abused for years by my step-brother who was 5 years older than me, and also by my best friends dad when I was in first grade. I didn''t deal with any of this ( I am pretty sure I blocked it out) until I had my first boyfriend at around 17. He was my ''first'' and the first time brought on this huge surge of WTH is wrong with me? I had been acting out and drinking a lot before I met him, my grades plummeted, I got into drugs. Once I started seeing my ex, and started being intimate with him, I got a rush of memories and feelings and everything came back to me. I went away to college, but was so depressed that I literally sat in my room and cried 24 hours a day. I didn''t leave my dorm room. My roommate must''ve thought I was insane. I couldnt eat or sleep. I lost about 35 pounds. I ''revictimized'' myself in college by getting too drunk around guys who I knew would try something with me regardless of whether I was passed out drunk or not (even though I had a boyfriend). I stayed with that boyfriend for 5 years, while all of this unraveled. He became emotionally abusive, and only perpetuated the problems. He made me pay for years.

Once I got out of that tornado of a situation, I got out the other side and had no idea who I was. I had to build from the ground up. Now I''m at the point where I am so critical of myself. I won''t let myself get away with ANYTHING that might play me as a victim. Like you said, you may react differently to situations with your SO because of how you had to protect yourself as a child. I am NOT OK with that. I feel like by letting those things affect my personality, I''m giving in to what happened. And I''m stubborn! So I''m constantly trying to fight these urges and feelings that come to me so naturally. I hate that I''m so timid, and anxiety ridden, and a control freak. I feel like the minute I stop controlling or worrying everything will fall apart.

I''ve tried therapy several times, but I always end up quitting. Which, in turn, pisses me off, because I''m quitting, and I then again become critical of myself.

It''s like I can''t turn it off! And I''m sure all of this controlling behavior, anxiety, and lack of self-esteem takes a toll on FF. Poor guy. But my goodness he is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Whew.

Thanks for the avatar support, also.

OK, I think you''re in my head!!! LOL!

I know how you feel about not wanting to LET the past effect your present life. It sucks that it does, and I know you want to make that stop. I feel EXACTLY the same way! But, I know that it''s a part of my life that I can''t just erase, no matter how much I want to, and it will always have some kind of an impact. I like to think it has made me a better person, in a way. Yes, I still struggle with the whole self-esteem thing, but I HAVE MADE PROGRESS! I have minimized the impact that my past experiences of abuse have had on my present day life, and that''s saying a lot. So, even if you can''t completely get rid of all of the after-effects of abuse (and really, who can???), you can still do whatever is possible to minimize the impact on your current life and your relationship with FF. Therapy is a great place to start, but I know how hard it is to stick with it! I don''t have a therapist right now, and I''ve been thinking about getting back into it . . . even if I only have an appointment once a month.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 9/15/2008 9:48:23 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl

OK, I think you're in my head!!! LOL!

I know how you feel about not wanting to LET the past effect your present life. It sucks that it does, and I know you want to make that stop. I feel EXACTLY the same way! But, I know that it's a part of my life that I can't just erase, no matter how much I want to, and it will always have some kind of an impact. I like to think it has made me a better person, in a way. Yes, I still struggle with the whole self-esteem thing, but I HAVE MADE PROGRESS! I have minimized the impact that my past experiences of abuse have had on my present day life, and that's saying a lot. So, even if you can't completely get rid of all of the after-effects of abuse (and really, who can???), you can still do whatever is possible to minimize the impact on your current life and your relationship with FF. Therapy is a great place to start, but I know how hard it is to stick with it! I don't have a therapist right now, and I've been thinking about getting back into it . . . even if I only have an appointment once a month.

Ok! Back to the topic at hand. Gosh, I hate when work gets in the way of PS.

Anywho - I'm so glad you can relate and understand what I'm going through. It's comforting. I guess I just have trouble coming to terms with the fact that those instances left scars that regardless of how hard I try, I can't change. It makes me feel kind of powerless. I also don't like using it as an excuse. So I'm often left wondering and worrying about whether or not I'm using what happened as an excuse not to change, or if there are somethings that are just "me" now, and I should try and become comfortable with that.

Man, I do need therapy still. I'm going to worry myself into a giant ulcer. I actually worry about not worrying enough about this. That can't be right...

 

[asscherisme]

I am sorry for what you have been through. For me, it caused me to make a very bad choice in a husband. Someone who would repeat the patterns of my own father. BOTH my parents were abuse, but my husband's personality is very similar to my fathers. I did it unconciously and certainly not by choice. I think I married what was familiar because I was so use to put downs that I just did not see future problems. My abuse was not sexual but physical and emotional. It came from both my parents. And had I not kicked DH (damned husband in my case) out of the house, history would have repeated itself. When my kids were acting out because of him and telling me they were afraid of him, that was a wake up call for me because I felt the same way and I had to take action. Therapy helped me realize why and how I made that bad choice to marry him, even though there were many HUGE red flags of future problems I was blind to them. However, once I saw the potential for repeated history and it had started, I stopped it before it happened and made protecting my children FIRST priority. I can't change my past, but I can make sure it does not happen to my kids.

I think that childhood traumas do carry into adulthood and therapy can help to see those patterns and help us move forward in a healthy direction. Unfortunatley, sometimes damage is done before we realize it. In my case, I still feel guilty over my children having so much trauma and pain from their father. I feel it was my fault for making a bad choice in who to marry and have kids with and they pay the price for it. Even thought they are safe with me, he is still their father and they will never have a "normal" loving father and thats my fault.

I am going to be filing papers very soon. And even though it pains me, I have no choice.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 9/15/2008 11:08:11 AM
Author: asscherisme
I am sorry for what you have been through. For me, it caused me to make a very bad choice in a husband. Someone who would repeat the patterns of my own father. BOTH my parents were abuse, but my husband''s personality is very similar to my fathers. I did it unconciously and certainly not by choice. I think I married what was familiar because I was so use to put downs that I just did not see future problems. My abuse was not sexual but physical and emotional. It came from both my parents. And had I not kicked DH (damned husband in my case) out of the house, history would have repeated itself. When my kids were acting out because of him and telling me they were afraid of him, that was a wake up call for me because I felt the same way and I had to take action. Therapy helped me realize why and how I made that bad choice to marry him, even though there were many HUGE red flags of future problems I was blind to them. However, once I saw the potential for repeated history and it had started, I stopped it before it happened and made protecting my children FIRST priority. I can''t change my past, but I can make sure it does not happen to my kids.

I think that childhood traumas do carry into adulthood and therapy can help to see those patterns and help us move forward in a healthy direction. Unfortunatley, sometimes damage is done before we realize it. In my case, I still feel guilty over my children having so much trauma and pain from their father. I feel it was my fault for making a bad choice in who to marry and have kids with and they pay the price for it. Even thought they are safe with me, he is still their father and they will never have a ''normal'' loving father and thats my fault.

I am going to be filing papers very soon. And even though it pains me, I have no choice.

((((Hugs)))) to you also for going though such a terrible ordeal.

I totally understand your guilt, but there''s no way you could''ve known what you were doing until it was too late. That''s how you learn. The wonderful thing is, is that you''ve learned, and if you stay strong and move forward, and do what''s right, that is what will stick out to your children. That you made a mistake, and learned. That''s a wonderful gift to give. No one''s family is perfect, and you do the best you can. You should be proud of kicking him out. A lot of women don''t ever get to the point where they''re strong enough to do it.

It''s really astounding to me how much your childhood can steer your life.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 9/15/2008 11:08:11 AM
Author: asscherisme
I am sorry for what you have been through. For me, it caused me to make a very bad choice in a husband. Someone who would repeat the patterns of my own father. BOTH my parents were abuse, but my husband''s personality is very similar to my fathers. I did it unconciously and certainly not by choice. I think I married what was familiar because I was so use to put downs that I just did not see future problems. My abuse was not sexual but physical and emotional. It came from both my parents. And had I not kicked DH (damned husband in my case) out of the house, history would have repeated itself. When my kids were acting out because of him and telling me they were afraid of him, that was a wake up call for me because I felt the same way and I had to take action. Therapy helped me realize why and how I made that bad choice to marry him, even though there were many HUGE red flags of future problems I was blind to them. However, once I saw the potential for repeated history and it had started, I stopped it before it happened and made protecting my children FIRST priority. I can''t change my past, but I can make sure it does not happen to my kids.

I think that childhood traumas do carry into adulthood and therapy can help to see those patterns and help us move forward in a healthy direction. Unfortunatley, sometimes damage is done before we realize it. In my case, I still feel guilty over my children having so much trauma and pain from their father. I feel it was my fault for making a bad choice in who to marry and have kids with and they pay the price for it. Even thought they are safe with me, he is still their father and they will never have a ''normal'' loving father and thats my fault.

I am going to be filing papers very soon. And even though it pains me, I have no choice.

Asscher, I hear ya! My marriage to my XH was almost definitely a result of the abuse I suffered due to my former stepfather ("D"). I grew up in a household where I was ALWAYS trying to please D, and ALWAYS failing. I also saw how he treated my mother, and how he constantly disrespected her, so that was my role model for a marriage.

I moved in with my XH when I was only 20 and he was only 19. I did this because it was the only way I saw of getting out of D''s house and getting away from his daily abuse. I thought XH was the answer to all my problems.

Needless to say, XH was not the guy I thought he was. His true colors started to show after I moved in with him, but by that time I was already committed to the relationship. I didn''t want my family to think I had just "shacked up" with XH . . . I wanted them to see that I was serious about this relationship, and I just couldn''t bear the shame I would have had to deal with if I had broken up with him. As time went on, things got worse and worse. The verbal and emotional abuse continued to escalate, and the physcial abuse started. After we had been married for about three years, I moved out and filed for divorce. Best decision I ever made.

Asscher, good luck with filing those divorce papers. It''s a big step and a painful one, but it''s a big step in the RIGHT direction! ((((HUGS))))