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allycat0303

allycat0303

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 19, 2004
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3,450
Hey everyone,

Sorry for not having an update sooner. I had another killer exam which has left me emotionally and physically drained (I''m sick with combined flu/tummy upset) and I can''t figure out when this stupid school is going to give us a reasonable non-ridiculous exam that acutally represents what we learnt. I''m thinking in my head I might have failed the year, and will have to retake it, but I''m at peace with that. I''ve given everything I have to this program, to doing well, and if it doesn''t happen, it doesn''t happen. An extra year will not kill me. It will be sad, and suck but it''s not the end of the world.

Two weeks ago, FBIL''s parents were all set to buy them their house and I listened to long rantings about how "barely any one could afford a house like this," and how the cielings were so high he couldn''t figure out how to paint them (yes....the cielings are the exact same height as those in every other house I''ve seen, including mine...) So gritted my teeth, they went through the inspection, through the offers and it was all set. And THEN my mom voiced objections that she wasn''t involved in the process so they pulled out of the house-buying (although my mom''s objection is to the marriage and she feels if they buy a house then it means that they should be married first) and so they pulled out of the deal. However, this made my sister extremely nasty and hostile, and even more determined. So after a week of the most foul language, head pounding screaming, and unimaginable nastiness...I caved and gave her the wedding date and promised not to have a wedding in 2007 or 2008. Which I do feel terrible about because all of you were so encouraging and rooting for me, but I couldn''t take it anymore
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. I have never been subjected to that much pressure from my parents, my sister, everyone. So I''m really sorry about that, I wish I could have been stronger, but I feel so beaten at this point (from all sides imaginable)

Since then, my baby and I have been talking, and we''ve thinking of eloping in April/June 2008. Actually we might even do it this year, if I can get some time off. I was watching the Instyle Wedding and the Tori Spelling wedding, made me cry because I wanted that so much. I really want it to be about us, and we figure that it will be a special day, and when we get back we just won''t tell anybody. We''ll have some sort of ceremony in 2009 which will probably be filled with all sorts of drama and nastiness, but at least the really important part will be untarnished. If my family finds out, they will disown me. If his family finds out, they''ll probably never speak to him again (it makes me sad that his mom won''t have the church wedding she dreamed of) but we''re really good at keeping secrets, and all of them are all a little.....uhmmm unreasonable. And I know it''s going to cause this huge after-shock with my parents freaking out, and all sorts of recriminations. But if we are really careful, they will probably never know.

I haven''t spoken a word about this to ANYONE. Because I don''t want anyone to know, and I feel really guilty about even contemplating this. So what do you all think? Crazy? Really, really morally wrong? Decitful? (yes I know it is, but my parents were being fair about thing, nor about the whole situation. I don''t think it''s reasonable to actually consider the request of one daughter to disown the other).

Thanks everyone.
 
WHY!!!!! you have to live YOUR life too. life is too short to put up with what you have been. get married this year and screw your selfish beee--atch of a sister. if your family puts up with her rantings then shame on them. you deserve a lot of happiness---she doesn''t own 2007 and 2008. ELOPE!!!!!
 
Awe, Ally, I''m so sorry you got bullied into it.
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. I, personally, don''t think that eloping and keeping it a secret is a good idea. I think you should either stick with 2009 or elope whenever you want and let the world know. Your family has put you in an impossible situation, but you have to do what will make you happy.
 
Ally, you''re feeding a monster. *sigh*

I hope you DO do something for yourself. If you ask me, you should just go ahead and disown your family. They only seem like family biologically anyway.
 
Date: 2/26/2007 3:04:46 PM
Author: NYCsparkle
WHY!!!!! you have to live YOUR life too. life is too short to put up with what you have been. get married this year and screw your selfish beee--atch of a sister. if your family puts up with her rantings then shame on them. you deserve a lot of happiness---she doesn''t own 2007 and 2008. ELOPE!!!!!
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couldn''t have said it better.

ally the marriage is about you two. the wedding should be the same in my opinion. do what makes you two happy, what type of memories do you want to have in the future?

quite honestly, the way i look at it is...once someone can stand up to your family, parents, sister etc...they are very truly their own person...and not just their child or their sibling or whatever, break out of those childhood chains and be your best ally once and for all. and making a decision like that about your marriage aka how you two will be starting your life together to me is really important.
 
NYC: I think I will. I'm feeling a tremendous amount of guilt over it, but a part of me is saying "whatever". My guy loves, loves the idea, we both think it will be more meaningful for us. I'm worried about how his family will react too. I don't know details. I loved the whole sand-beach (ALONE) thing. I just don't know where, or how yet (a little overwhelmed at the process)...

But my guy said he would build me a sand-box in the backyard if necessary (cute but not necessarily the same effect).

TravelingGal: The disowning them all has come up in my mind too. Alot. I don't know, I feel very much abandoned anyways, and they hurt me a lot. It seems extreme to me, and evil to disown them.

Mara: I really couldn't anymore. Phone calls, email. It was too much. There hasn't been a moment of peace since I told them I wouldn't budge. It was in all essence harrassement. My sister even showed up outside of my CLASS when she realized I was avoiding phone calls and deleting emails. It was embarassing, and a scene. At my baby's house late at night. It was seriously too much (and frankly a little scary)
 
ALLY---do it!!!...my sil got married on the beach and it was breathtaking---me and dh were the only other people there...she said it was perfect. she had a celebration 3 months later, but she
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her beach wedding. the pics are gorgeous too....sandy beach, turquoise water, and brightly colored flowers.
 
p.s. don''t feel guilty...a wedding between 2 people in love is a happy occassion.
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10 years from now you should be able to look back at this time in your life and smile. i doubt your sis will be able to do so.
GO FOR IT!!!
 
NYC,

I will. We actually promised each other that we would. Either after or before the wedding, we were going to say our vows alone on a beach. I don''t know, to me the actual promise is really important an he knows that when I promise something, I mean it. Incidently, where did your sister get married? I haven''t the slightest clue where/how these things are done.
 
she did it in antigua. there is a book called destination weddings--i think by the people who made the knot website-- that tells you everything you have to do for it to be legal and the best places to do it.
 
This is going to be something that I know is "more easily said than done" and I know I don't know all the ins and outs of your situation (just what you've posted here on PS), so I'm speaking from a fairly ignorant point of view, and you may still feel too attached to your family to do this, but if I were you, I'd cut them out. I'd plan my wedding, invite my friends, FI's family and friends and not invited my immediate family. You worry that they could disown you for eloping, and they harass you to bend to your sister's wishes -- how much worse would being disowned really be???
 
NYC: Oh my gosh, there REALLY IS a book for everything. Thanks for the tip. It would only be Me, Him, and Officiant. I really don't even know where to start though, because Quebec laws are so much different then everywhere else in North America. Maybe I should talk to a lawyer? It's the legalities of this that are worrying me.

I actually suggested (look I know it's super blah, and tacky) but Las Vegas. My guy was like "no freakin way"
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Sweetpea: Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I think the best thing to do for my sanity is to cut certain people out of my life. I KNOW that is the best thing to do. There is actually more to the situation (worst things) that I haven't discussed. But I don't think I am able to do it. One of my cousins disowned her family (incidently over something that was less severe as my situation) but seeing her go through it, the daily, daily living of it, I find that her life is very hard. I think the whole situation plays a very, very toll on her. Is disownment worst? I don't know. I don't think that on a daily basis they are mean to me. I just think, they are really, really to having me do what they want. I think my rebelling has a put a really serious dent in the dynamics, expectations, of what they've known, expected for the past 26 (27 on Saturday) years. I have always been the one to put family first, siblings first, which is why not immediately saying "yes" has sparked such an intense reaction. I think my parents have failed, and are failing me in this situation. But I don't know if what they are doing is *horrible*, stressful, hurtful and unfair, but I don't think *unforgivebale*... I don't know if that makes sense.
 
This sounds really rough for you, but I hope you start putting yourself first, and doing what''s right and good for you and your fiance. You can never control what other people say or do, and the only thing you can control is your own actions and reactions. Let this be the time that you forget about everyone else''s opinion and do something for yourself, without worrying about anyone else. You''ve already identified what it is you want. You''re already identified what the opposition is. Just remove the opposition! I know that is simplistic, but you cannot continue to capitulate to your family''s wishes. What is going to be next - you can''t have a baby because she''s having a baby? You can''t use the alphabet to name your baby because she''s using the alphabet? If you don''t cut this off right now, there will be no end to the misery they put you through. And its their thing - its the misery that they are inflicting, not you. Sometimes the most important choices are the hardest to make.
 
Ally,

I''m so sorry that your family is being such a nightmare (and I have words to say regarding your sister''s behavior, but I won''t because I''d like to stay here at PS!).

That being said, I agree with your and sweetpea''s idea of a beach wedding. Only I wouldn''t elope if it''d hurt your FH''s family too, if they''ve been somewhat reasonable. I personally would invite them, and....in fact, I''d invite your family too. If they choose to come, fine. If not, fine. You gave it one last shot.

I''d have it this year or next, for sure, as you originially wanted. On you and your fiance''s anniversary. If you''re going to do this (and anger your unreasonable family anyway), do it on your terms. 2007 or 2008. Late summer on the beach still gives you plenty of time to plan.

Warm sand, cool water, sunshine, a flowing dress and you and your fiance. People you love and most importantly, WHO LOVE YOU, watching you marry. In my opinion, that''s the best plan of all.

Best of luck and please, keep us posted!
 
I''m so sorry... this is just a horrible horrible horrible situation. My thoughts....

Elope. Tell everyone after. Living a lie is just not worth it. NOT worth it. Just look at what you are contemplating - denying your own happiness, your own marriage for years, something that you should be proudly shouting from the rooftops. What person that cares about you would want you to do that? What kind of relationship do you want with your family if it is based on - if it REQUIRES - lies, deceit, and blackmail? And forced unhappiness on your part?

Go to counseling. Just go. Doesn''t have to be every week or whatnot, but you deserve happiness, your family provides the opposite of happiness, the opposite of love and concern for your happiness and your well-being, and yet you can''t divorce yourself from them. There are alternatives to just cutting them out of your life - i think its called stepping back or distancing yourself to the point where they can''t hurt you as badly - but where you are now, its just not cool.
 
Okay, so I re-read your posts again and see that you're afraid of being disowned by your family. Or disowning your family. And I completely understand.

Were you able to discuss your problems regarding your sister and her tantrum of the century with your parents and WITHOUT your sister? Some alone time to discuss options?

You're their daughter. Unless they're awful, horrible people, they love you. What is their whole outlook? Do they agree with you marrying in 2009 just to appease your sister? Would they be even the smallest bit open to you marrying in 2007 or 2008 without disownment?

As for your sister, I'd shut her out. I wouldn't talk to her, I wouldn't read her emails, I wouldn't let her in my house. Her screaming and manipulation isn't fair, it isn't healthy, and you can shut her out. For this next year, I'd disown her mentally.
 
Yes! Ally! E L O P E That sounds like the best way to actually enjoy your wedding! And have it be about you and Hockey Guy.

I can''t believe your sister. The only consolation I can offer is that mean people are so often unhappy people. Wouldn''t it be terrible to be so consumed with selfishness and rage, as your sister seems to be?
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Date: 2/26/2007 3:08:48 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Ally, you''re feeding a monster. *sigh*

I hope you DO do something for yourself. If you ask me, you should just go ahead and disown your family. They only seem like family biologically anyway.
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Ditto... although I will say, that I don''t want to add to the beat up feeling you have. But honey, this is so wrong.

Be well, honey and take care of yourself.
 
One more post from me until you respond again, I promise. And I hope I don't offend you with the below, because that is absolutely not my intent.

My dog has developed an angry 'alpha' attitude. Basically, she thinks she's the boss. Joey and I have been incredibly frustrated lately and finally, I sought help on a dog training board I lurk on.

Someone told me to google "Nothing in Life is Free" training. Basically, you have to show the dog that YOU'RE boss again. The whole theory states that the dog is used to getting attention by barking, screaming (yes, my 12 lb dog screams), and biting. You give in, because it's easier than dealing with it. Is this starting to sound familiar?

The dog is used to getting attention, whether positive or negative. And as the owners, we're supposed to take control by ignoring the bad behavior. Not yelling, not screaming, not giving in, ignoring. The dog will start to bark, scream and bite more. More ignoring. The dog will become extremely angry and explode. Don't give in. The idea is that the dog will finally realize that barking, screaming and biting won't work anymore. And he or she will simply give up. And you have your control back.

The rest involves telling the dog to 'sit' (or use a different command) before you let him or her do anything to regain alpha status, but obviously, that doesn't apply.

Now, I'm not calling your sister a dog. Obviously. But on one of the websites, the trainer used it in terms of humans (especially human toddlers who use the exact methods dogs do to get their way). He said to imagine if every time you clapped, you'd get a $20 bill. You clap a lot and you get a lot of money. But what if, one day, you clapped and didn't get a $20 bill? You'd clap a bit harder, a bit louder, and finally you'd clap a lot RIGHT in the trainer's face to make sure he heard you. If he didn't give you the bill after all that work, you'd eventually give up, right?

I guess what I'm trying to say (through the training story and rant) is that you should ignore your sister. She'll fight, she'll scream and she'll bite (just kidding!
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). Stand your ground and ignore her. Don't break off your relationship with your parents if there's hope that they can be reasonable. Take back your life. Show your parents, your sister, and most importantly- YOURSELF- that you're the boss of your situation.
 
Aww Gypsy, your post really touched me. I know this is the wrong thing to do. I know that it is feeding a monster, it doesn't make me feel like you're beating up on me. I feel terrible that I did it, but I also knew that the situation was really too much for me. I didn't feel like there was any place I could go that was safe from my sister, she was literally everywhere, and every confrontation was really ugly. I didn't even know what to do anymore. She was my guy's house, at school, literally everywhere. I didn't know when I would look up and she would be there yelling at me. I came to dread knocks at the door, or the doorbell ringing.

Ebree: I did talk to my parents. At the very beginning when my sister started with the disowning talk, I didn't even think it was in the relm of possibility. But later, as my sister became more angry and volatile, more and more they became "we don't understand why you are being so selfish/self-centered" And I really did start to feel like "what's the big deal, she deserves to have her dream day" I don't know. Near the very end, EVERYONE except my guy was calling me selfish, self-centered, evil etc., for putting my family through this. Intellectually I know that they should (at the very least) they should be saying the same things to her, but I'm a lot less scary then my sister! I don't want to use, stalking or harassement, but seriously, had it been anyone other then family, I would have called the police. It was seriously out of control. I couldn't go anywhere without the expectation that she (or even twice FBIL) would show up. At school! Outside of my classroom. That's when I knew that ignoring phone calls/emails/not going home was not going to keep them away from me.

Krockie, Cara, IndependentGal: Thanks for your posts ladies.
 
Hi Ally, I think that you should elope if thats what you and your FI want to do. I would say it to his family and see would they like to go, say it to your family too and then just go ahead and do it, no matter what they say. I know how hard it must be for you and I just cant believe that your sister bullied you into giving her the date. I would resent her so much, if I was in that situation.
 
Oh Ally... I think my OWN stress level shot up about 10 points just from reading your post... so I can''t even imagine how you and your fiance are feeling. You poor thing.
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I love the idea of eloping, but I think you should tell everyone that''s what you''re planning to do ahead of time. Particularly your fiance''s family, so they can be there if they choose to. If your family disowns you for that, then THEY are the ones making that choice, not you.

The thing about marriage is that you are creating a new family now, with you and your future husband, and that NEEDS to be more important than appeasing your parents and sister. It is one thing to put your own feelings/wishes/desires on the backburner to appease them... it is another thing to force your fiance to do that too... this is NOT fair to him and it''s disrespectful to your marriage. Do you really want to start off your new life, your new family, on such an ugly foundation? Not only do you have the choice NOT to do that, you have a responsibility.

You are strong enough to do this the right way, Ally... that is evident. Keep working with your counselor and keep posting here for back-up support... lots of good strong vibes coming your way!!!
 
Date: 2/26/2007 4:39:07 PM
Author: allycat0303
I don''t want to use, stalking or harassement, but seriously, had it been anyone other then family, I would have called the police. It was seriously out of control. I couldn''t go anywhere without the expectation that she (or even twice FBIL) would show up. At school! Outside of my classroom. That''s when I knew that ignoring phone calls/emails/not going home was not going to keep them away from me.
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I worry for you. A lot.

If it was my sister behaving this way - I''d like to think I would call the police. I would report the harrassment and hold her accountable for her abusive actions.

I fear this will continue for the rest of your life if you don''t cut her OUT of your life.

Stay true to what YOU want for YOURSELF and your fella. If your parents disown you for sticking up for yourself & living your own life as YOU see fit - it is probably a blessing in disquise.
 
ephemery: Oh I would be loss without you gals. FBIL showed up once unexpectedly at his house when he wasn't home, my guy was scared for me. Because FBIL has a history of being abusive, and the conversation between us got ugly. At the time, I was very angry, too angry to think about whether I was safe or not, or even take into consideration that anything would happen. Because you never think that anything will ever happen. I think I may have acted recklessly, because in retrospect, it was late, I was alone, and I shouldn't have even opened the door, but I was REALLY angry. I have a tendency to feel that I can take care of myself, but there was a split second when he was in the house, that I was afraid. My guy exchanged harsh words with FBIL, making it expressively known that FBIL was never to come near the house or me again. But there was something about the conversation that unsettled him. He is not a peacemaker, he is a fighter but he feels that the way they are harrassing me is crossing the line from a simple disagreement to something which he feels may get out of control. Simple, less volatile issues then this one have gotten out of control in the past, so he's worried. He made the point that he could hurt FBIL after the fact, but it wouldn't make me any less hurt (like last time) or worst.

As for eloping. I don't know. He really wants to do it. I'm more worried about his mother being sad then anything else. I know she won't come, they're really simple people (have never travelled beyond the US and although she dreams of traveling, her husband is really, really against it, so I know they won't come). He feels that if I tell his family, his mom will TRY VERY hard to dissaude me. And then I won't do it. And we won't get married until 2009, with a lot of problems that will come along.

bee* I do resent her. I just feel that FBIL has this sort of unnatural hold on her. She didn't use to be like this. We've never fought except over stuff involving FBIL. He is very bad.

deco*: I honestly think it sounds so silly you know? Like what am I going to tell them? My sister and FBIL are harrassing me over a wedding date? They're going to think we're all crazed. I can't see anyone not laughing their butts off.
 
Date: 2/26/2007 3:04:46 PM
Author: NYCsparkle
WHY!!!!! you have to live YOUR life too. life is too short to put up with what you have been. get married this year and screw your selfish beee--atch of a sister. if your family puts up with her rantings then shame on them. you deserve a lot of happiness---she doesn''t own 2007 and 2008. ELOPE!!!!!
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DITTO!!! Except if that was my family I''d move to another continent!!!!
 
Date: 2/26/2007 3:09:58 PM
Author: allycat0303
TravelingGal: The disowning them all has come up in my mind too. Alot. I don''t know, I feel very much abandoned anyways, and they hurt me a lot. It seems extreme to me, and evil to disown them.
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Does disowning have to be a formal proclaimation? I wouldn''t bother with that - it might feel good AND awful but it seems spiteful and unnecessary. *Distance* is a good thing... why not just live your life regardless of what they''re doing and just ignore their rantings. What they have done is the most vile things I''ve seen anyone do in a long time and they expect you to eat it because of family? I am so sad for you
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plus if you elope ASAP you can move out and away from the toxic people!!!!!
 
^^^^ I totally agree. Your family has clearly shown that they are not reasonable beings. Nor particularly loving either, to say the least. If there was ever a time, NOW is the time to start living on YOUR terms, not everyone else''s. Elope (how awesomely romantic is that?!), keep it a secret (OR NOT! everyone will just have to deal), and then just start pulling away from your family if that''s the healthiest thing for YOU.

People can obviously be toxic and horrible, even the people we love the most. Don''t take it upon yourself to "fix" things or keep the peace with people who are beyond help. If you do, you will only be dragging yourself down and wastefully putting your own life on hold. Don''t get sucked into their vortex of selfishness and warped reality!

Stop the madness now and move on with your own life. If they truly deserve to be in your life, then they will just have to prove to you that they are worthy.

{{hugs}}
 
None of us know, no matter how you explain it on here, what the reality is of your daily life with these people who call themselves your families. And you do have to live with them (until you disown them, which frankly sounds like a good idea).

My take is this: okay, you caved in to them because they are all being ridiculous and demanding. But that doesn''t mean you have to live your life for them. Ally, in your shoes I would seriously elope. I think it is the only way you and your FI will have the meaningful, romantic wedding you want without drama from idiots surrounding you at every turn. Do this for yourself. If you want or feel the need to keep it a secret, whatever. But at least give yourself this gift, a gift they can never take away from you. Then they can be their ridiculous selves and it won''t be as stressful to you because you''ll be thinking ''I already did this, the other one is just for show.''

Good luck. As for the future with these people, because it doesn''t sound like it will change and the dramas will just be new ones....people can only walk all over you if you let them.
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Oh Ally, go elope, and have a wonderful romantic wedding just the 2 of you. Enough of these toxic people. Family or not, they have never had YOUR best interest at heart. Time to close the book and move on. YOU and your FI will start living a life you want, and can always celebrate with HIS family once you get back. That would be a win win situation!!! I am just soooo sorry you have had to deal with such crap and drama. You are soooo much stronger now, so go elope and have fun!!!! You soooo deserve it!!! Lisa
 
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