caved (sorry gals)..

[bravesfan]

Ally--

I know that you are trying to be the bigger person and honestly I agree with you about not disowning your family. If i were in your shoes I would have MY wedding when I wanted to- and to be nice (even though they dont deserve it) I would invite your family. If they have a probelm with your wedding and dont show up- eh'' screw em! At least you will be getting the wedding you want (in the year that you want) and if they come great and if not its no worse than disowning them -right?

Also, I would REFUSE to talk to them if the conversation turns to them controlling your life. Just tell them calmly that you are not going to talk to them about this and leave it at that. If they continue to bug you cut off the contact until they are ready to stop.

I kind of know what you are going through... I have a relative that loves to be hateful. It doesnt matter what the situation is she just loves to hurt everyone around her. Often times she will scream, thow things, distroy the house etc. and wont stop until she gets her way (can you believe that I am talking about an adult over 35 and not a bratty kid!?) and finally I have learned to put on a straight face and not give an inch. If she wants to freak out thats fine but I am not going to give her that satisfaction of making me angry or hurting my feelings.

I think you should do exactly what you want and let them behave the way they want. If they are stupid about this then just go about your way until they are ready to make peace.

 

[KimberlyH]

Ally,

You are going to do whatever it is that you are going to do, so my commenting on the situation won''t help, especially as it is so clear how much pain and sadness this situation has brought about. I just want you to know I am so very sad and sorry for you. I wish things had worked out differently for your and hockeyguy''s sake.

~K

 

[Kit]

Ally,

I know you have a lot of important and heart-breaking things to think about...but you also deserve to feel excited about your beach nuptials!!

Here''s some real-life DW''s and a bunch of info from the Knot. Another thought: you could just elect to do it in the US in Florida, it''s sunny and sandy! Then you know the legal requirements.

 

[sanfranciscoellen]

Ally, have you ever read up on Borderline Personality Disorder? I''m no professional, but I know my mom''s similarly outrageous behaviors made a lot more sense when I read up on this.

Let''s just say for argument''s sake that your sister has similar BPD traits....you will never change her, no matter what you do, and you cannot expect the rest of your family to see your side, either. It''s the bummer of BPD. She could be perfectly rational with some people in her life and be totally kookoo with you if she feels betrayed/rejected.

Just a thought. I haven''t kept up with most of your story so I may be overstepping...

 

[fatafelice]

Oh, Ally. At first, I couldn''t believed that you would give in, but reading your other posts, I am almost glad you did. That is no way to have been living your life for the past few weeks. You certainly need to do what is safest and most healthy for you right now so that you can function. But you need to very carefully consider how this is going to pan out in the future.

Like Deco, I have to think that, sister or not, I would call the cops. They are certainly not strangers to domestic disputes and I am sure they have heard it all. Keep in mind that it should not matter to the police *why* you are being harassed, just that you are. Seriously, I would consider getting a restraining order, especially considering both your sister''s and FBIL''s past violent behavior.

In addition, I would certainly elope. It seems like the only way that you are going to have the meaningful wedding that you are dreaming of. I would consider not inviting your family, or even telling them about it in advance, but I would invite Hockey Guy''s. Like Kit, I was thinking that there are several places in the US where you could have a gorgeous beach wedding. Perhaps that would make it easier for them to make the trip? And has this situation truly been explained to Hockey Guy''s family? Because I would think that if they love him and care for you, they would be supportive of your decision to elope, considering the circumstances. You could always have a vow renewal back home for their benefit.

Finally, I know that you are scared of disowning/being disowned by your family, especially considering what you have witnessed with your cousin, but let me ask you...Is your life as it stands now any better than hers? If you could truly distance yourself from your family -- no contact -- they wouldn''t be able to touch you. I normally would not recommend such an extreme action, but since they have been so unreasonable and will not attend any sort of counseling, I really don''t see any other choice. You have to think about your future happiness, and your *new* family''s (yours and FI''s) happiness. I cannot imagine how being disowned could be worse than this.

Okay, that was way more long-winded than I intended to be, and I know that you are going to do whatever you are going to do, but PLEASE...Make your decisions based on what will keep you safe and happy for years to come. I''ll be thinking about you.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 2/26/2007 7:48:09 PM
Author: wallermama
Ally, have you ever read up on Borderline Personality Disorder? I''m no professional, but I know my mom''s similarly outrageous behaviors made a lot more sense when I read up on this.

Let''s just say for argument''s sake that your sister has similar BPD traits....you will never change her, no matter what you do, and you cannot expect the rest of your family to see your side, either. It''s the bummer of BPD. She could be perfectly rational with some people in her life and be totally kookoo with you if she feels betrayed/rejected.

Just a thought. I haven''t kept up with most of your story so I may be overstepping...

i was thinking the same thing. i have often thought there should be a 12 step group for family members of BPD.

poor alley. take good care of yourself. maybe eloping/doing your own thing is the most peaceful, best way to go.

when I said "No More" to my family , i also said "peace be with you"

 

[poptart]

Ally,

I haven''t read all the posts, although I am betting my view is along the same lines as many others. I am no counselor, but the way you are being treated by your family is EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. It''s not about the wedding, or the venue anymore, it''s about a total lack of respect for you. For your life. For you right to happiness. This may sound very harsh, but I think you need to cut them out of your life. Completely if possible. This is no way for a family to treat a fellow family member, especially not a daughter or sister. I understand that you are getting bombarded from all sides, but you are losing your sense of self worth each time you say "yes" to one of their selfish demands. You should elope and tell them about it. Openly. Shout it. And also shout the fact that none of your nasty family members are invited. And then tell them that either they can disown you right now or you will disown them. Their choice, but it is the LAST one they will have over your life. Please Ally, I don''t even know you personally and it''s so painful to watch you go through this. I have watched my friends deal with abusive parents and there comes a time when you need to say "NO" and stop listening to anything they are saying. Both you and your fiance deserve to live your life the way the two of you see fit. This isn''t fair for either of you, and you have the power to stop it. So tell them "NO!" Best of luck, and I hope your tests gets better.

*M*

 

[ladykemma]

so, they disown you, so what? I mean, really, what more can you expect from them -more abuse? oh, goodie.

you can fill your life with people who love and care about you. You can get married in 2007!

for safety reasons, is it time to get a restraining order? because as you pull away, things will get worse. actually at this point i would have you do what they tell battered women to do. have a safe place where you can go. keep money and credit card on your person. keep a hidden set of keys in case they get between your purse and the car. change your locks, and phone number. keep a packed suitcase in the car.

you might not need any of these things but, your family is insane and abusive. just in case.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 2/26/2007 6:28:04 PM
Author: KristyDarling
^^^^ I totally agree. Your family has clearly shown that they are not reasonable beings. Nor particularly loving either, to say the least. If there was ever a time, NOW is the time to start living on YOUR terms, not everyone else''s. Elope (how awesomely romantic is that?!), keep it a secret (OR NOT! everyone will just have to deal), and then just start pulling away from your family if that''s the healthiest thing for YOU.

People can obviously be toxic and horrible, even the people we love the most. Don''t take it upon yourself to ''fix'' things or keep the peace with people who are beyond help. If you do, you will only be dragging yourself down and wastefully putting your own life on hold. Don''t get sucked into their vortex of selfishness and warped reality!

Stop the madness now and move on with your own life. If they truly deserve to be in your life, then they will just have to prove to you that they are worthy.

{{hugs}}

I would keep the elopement a secret until after its done then announce it If you say anything before they''ll just rain on your parade some more. BTW when I read that you already have your fiance''s wedding band I mean come on, you''re gonna wait another 2.5 years??? Like nike says - just do it

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 2/26/2007 6:34:35 PM
Author: FireGoddess
None of us know, no matter how you explain it on here, what the reality is of your daily life with these people who call themselves your families. And you do have to live with them (until you disown them, which frankly sounds like a good idea).

My take is this: okay, you caved in to them because they are all being ridiculous and demanding. But that doesn''t mean you have to live your life for them. Ally, in your shoes I would seriously elope. I think it is the only way you and your FI will have the meaningful, romantic wedding you want without drama from idiots surrounding you at every turn. Do this for yourself. If you want or feel the need to keep it a secret, whatever. But at least give yourself this gift, a gift they can never take away from you. Then they can be their ridiculous selves and it won''t be as stressful to you because you''ll be thinking ''I already did this, the other one is just for show.''

Good luck. As for the future with these people, because it doesn''t sound like it will change and the dramas will just be new ones....people can only walk all over you if you let them.

omg I just had a vision!!!! this is like cinderella! Those two ugly mean stepsisters fighting over cinder''s gown ripping it to shreds and then locking her in the basement so she couldn''t go to the ball!!!!

 

[ladykemma]

ally do you live in your parent''s home?

 

[sanfranciscoellen]

Date: 2/26/2007 7:53:36 PM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 2/26/2007 7:48:09 PM

Author: wallermama

Ally, have you ever read up on Borderline Personality Disorder? I''m no professional, but I know my mom''s similarly outrageous behaviors made a lot more sense when I read up on this.


Let''s just say for argument''s sake that your sister has similar BPD traits....you will never change her, no matter what you do, and you cannot expect the rest of your family to see your side, either. It''s the bummer of BPD. She could be perfectly rational with some people in her life and be totally kookoo with you if she feels betrayed/rejected.


Just a thought. I haven''t kept up with most of your story so I may be overstepping...

i was thinking the same thing. i have often thought there should be a 12 step group for family members of BPD.


poor alley. take good care of yourself. maybe eloping/doing your own thing is the most peaceful, best way to go.


when I said ''No More'' to my family , i also said ''peace be with you''

No kidding. Figuring out about BPD and what it meant regarding my mom, the dynamics of my whole family, and how it had shaped me, was the most liberating moment ever. It made me rise above them all.

The first book people who live with someone with BPD are referred to is called "Walking on Eggshells." Need I say more? I think you are crunching dozens and dozen of eggshells right now

The cold hard fact is, caving won''t fix this. They will continue to torture you and you will have lost years of your marriage. Is that a good deal for anyone? I personally don''t think so. Life is too short.

 

[anchor31]

Ally, I am so sad this is happening to you, my sympaties to Hockeyguy as well. I don''t really know what to say except what everyone else has: for once do what YOU want. You deserve it. Elope, have your dream wedding, when and how you want it. I know this might sound mean, but would it be so bad if they disowned you? People like this are so toxic you should stay as far from them as you can...

Big hugs for you.

 

[VRBeauty]

Ally: What your family is requesting is beyond the pale. A wedding is not just some fancy party, it symbolizes one of the most important legal and emotional commitments you will ever make (if not the most important). You and hockeyguy are ready to take this step, but your family is demanding that you postpone it for two years to placate your sister? Your selfish, insecure, nasty sister who wants to marry a phsychopath?

I don''t want to add to the pressure you''re already under, but I think you have to ask yourself: did you feel better about yourself when you stood up to your sister, or when you gave in? Which will eat away at you more in the future? Which better represents the "you" that you want to be, that you want to model to your children or nieces and nephews or whatever? I understand that it feels like you have no choice but to give in in the short run, but what price will you pay in the long run?

 

[hlmr]

Ally, I''m sorry it has come to this for you and your FI.

I know you have to do what you have to do, but at least exchange your vows alone, together where you want to be...

I wish you strength to deal with your families, and to have peace within your hearts. It isn''t easy but I hope you both can break free from the negativity and drama long enough to exchange your vows in a peaceful and loving environment.

Best wishes to you both! You deserve so much more than your family is wishing for you.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Ally: My heart is breaking for you, girl! I know that this was a tough decision. I only wish you strength and peace as you look ahead and make plans for your future with your guy.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ally, I just wanted to come back and give you a huge hug. It''s gotta be hard, but am pulling for ya!!!!
I hope I wasn''t too hard on your family, but just got me sooo mad. Hang in there, as you can see, we are all pulling for you and Hockeyguy!!!

 

[Gypsy]

Ally honey, I didn''t mean to make you sad... it just broke my heart that you apologized to us in the title. The only person you need to apologize to is yourself. You didn''t let us down... you let you down. And I just wish that you hadn''t. ((HUGS))... we just want to be here for you. But well, more than that... we want YOU to be there for you. That''s what we are trying to encourage you to do.

 

[firebirdgold]

Oh! *HUGS*

I''m so sorry you have to go through all this!

This is just so nuts! You guys have got to elope!

How about this? Elope and send announcements before you leave. That way, by the time you get home from your honeymoon, the fuss will have settled down some. Of course this only works if you go without cellphones or email, or any other way of being contacted. In fact you should make sure your email is set to the vacation autoresponder so they know you''re not just ignoring them.

heh heh, or they could just find our from your email responder.

 

[Pandora II]

Oh Ally,

I''m so sorry to hear what you''ve been going through. I actually checked your posts on Saturday to see if there was any news.

I am so angry for you. If I wasn''t getting married that day myself, I''d be tempted to get a bunch of PS''ers together on 26/07/08 and come marching up to the fancy hotel your sister''s picked and give her a piece of my mind! (hope that doesn''t make me sound like some weird psycho nut-job!), but I''m just furious that they can make you feel like your wishes and feelings are worth so much less than theirs.

 

[appletini]

Ally,

I think its time you make good on your threat--talk to your gossipy aunt and air your sister & FBILs dirty laundry.

 

[Jas12]

ally, i would elope if it is TRULY what the two of you want to do--but please, please, please, NOT b/c of the pressure from your family....i can see how horrible things have been for you...but what is more horrible, imo, is that once again you have been stomped all over, run-down, abused and bullied into changing something that is so important. You can''t do anything right in the situation you are in now. If you have a full wedding in 2009, you have given in and they will forever treat you this way. If you stick to your original date you will be in a ''living hell'' that is not condusive to the loving environment a wedding should produce and if you elope in secret, apparently the two of you will be disowned. I don''t know how they expect you to work around this.

IF eloping is what the two of you want to do, tell them straight up and let it be...there will be no great loss if they can''t see your point of view...

 

[jas]

You are hearing all the right words here...please take them to heart. We''re hear to support you!

HUGS!
Jackie

 

[NYCsparkle]

Ally, stay strong and be your own woman regardless of what your family thinks. in the long run the day is about you and your fh. don''t let your family dictate your life. if they disown you will it be any different than it is now? they treat you like dirt as it is. stand up to them and they will come around in time. until then live your life the way you want.

you are a grown woman--something your sister seems not to be----you can do as you please when you please. get married, live life, and be happy. HUGS!!!!

 

[sk8rjen]

I''m so sorry to hear what you are dealing with! Your family sounds beyond unreasonable, so I say do what you want --- if it''s elope, do it! If you want the ceremony at home with friends, go for it, regardless of what you promised. You were forced to make a promise b/c of someone else''s irrational behavior and it really shouldn''t have to affect your life anymore. I know I''m an idealist, but still...

I think it''s be great to elope and have a ceremony later on down the road on an anniversary --- and let them know then that it''s an anniversary

Maybe it''s mean in a stick-it-to-em kind of way, but I personally think they deserve it. I think his mom could get past feeling a bit sad about missing the real thing if she knew more...

good luck!
jen

 

[glitterkitty]

Ally,

I have been reading your threads as and when they happen, and I was so pleased when you stood up to you sister and FBIL. However, I understand that sometimes the drama that others perpetuate becomes too much to endure and for your own sanity you decide its just not worth fighting anymore.

I really strongly feel that you should elope as soon as you can organise a wedding. You need to be able to distance yourself from what will be further dramas in the run up to your sisters wedding - things which she may do to try and taint your hopes and expectations for your wedding. Announcing to your family that you have got married without their knowledge will show them that you are no longer beholden to their expectations. It will also have the added advantage of totally pi$$ing your FBIL off totally

You are obviously concerned that you will be disowned by them. If they are that petty and selfish to disown a beautiful, talented and clever daughter - thats their problem, not yours. I can speak with some authority on this matter, as although i don''t come from your culture, I was disowned very publicly by my father three years ago

. I only found out when a journalist from the paper he''d spoken too rang to tell me that he was quoted as saying ''I no longer have a daughter''

. Even the journalist, who was the paper''s crime reporter, was shocked. I was upset at the time, and it has taken a while to get my head around, but you know what? I don''t care anymore - he is missing out on so much, including seeing my beautiful son grow up, and its all because he wanted to save face when he was facing the consequences of his crimes against me and DH.

Go get married girl, and have a great life!

 

[xiuying]

Dear Ally,

I''m so, so very sorry things have turned out this way for you. I wish there was something I could do!

~~~

Just out of curiosity, have you ever thought about a destination wedding? Perhaps you wouldn''t be able to have as many relative members attending, but you could have friends in attendance, which would give you a very small and intimate wedding, in a very romantic area. Just a thought.

*hugshugshugs*

 

[oshinbreez]

Ally,

I feel soooo bad for you. Everything you''re going through is a tremendous amount of pressure for anyone to have to deal with, especially all at the same time. HUGS.

Reading your post brought back some memories of how my sis used to treat me. There were several years that we didn''t have any kind of contact because I got tired of it. I had to distance myself from her for my own sanity....which is part of the reason why I''m 1500 miles away from her. A few years ago, we were talking about our youth, and I asked her why she treated me the way she used to. After she thought long and hard about it, she admitted to me that she was JEALOUS of ME. She thought that she had to compete with me over everything. It sounds to me like your sis is JEALOUS of YOU. That''s why she wants everything that you want. She needs to realize that she doesn''t need to compete with you. Talk to her alone. How much age difference is there between the 2 of you?

I want to wish you HAPPY BIRTHDAY on Saturday. Mine and my daughters bday is the 14th. Michelle will be 28.....boy do I feel old.

You''re doing great Ally. Take care of yourself. I''ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[allycat0303]

Cehrabehra, KristyDarling, Firegoddess, Kaleigh, Bravesfan, glitterkitty, NYCsparkle, sk8rjen, xiuying, oshinbreez, KimberlyH, Kit, Wallerama, fatefelice, ladykemma, poptart, anchor31, MINIMS, hlmr, chargergrrl, Gypsy, IndieJones, Pandora II, appletini, Jas12, Jas:

Thanks for taking the time to post. I wanted to address all of the things all of you ladies wrote, but I only have time for a quick post.

At this moment, I don''t know what is happening. No one is speaking to me, so I don''t know if I''ve been disowned or what. It went from screaming and harrasssing me everyday, to acting like I don''t exist. Granted I haven''t confronted my parents, or my sister, nor actually tried to speak to them and been ignored. So the issue is up in the air. My grandmother told me to leave it alone, and they would come around. I''ve been staying at my guy''s house for the past few days, as I''ve been very, very sick, and feel unable to deal with all of this.

I DO live with my parents. This has been mostly out of respect for them (unmarried girls are NOT permitted to live away from the family. It is cause for....ugh the word again....being disowned.) but that was a mere technicality as I do spend a lot of time at my guy''s house. Which is my house too, as he put my name on it. We''ve been waiting to be married so we can live together. Lately, I''ve been playing with the idea of renting a condo for the following year, so I could be away from all this, until we get married. I don''t want to start living with him until we''re married, but we don''t want to have a courthouse marriage just (for us at least) it''s not how we envisioned it. Although, fair to say, that nothing is going as envisioned.

The only issues with renting a condo and moving out is that it will ASSURE that I will be disowned, AND it will break my grandmother''s heart to peices. But it''s not something I''ve disregarded. I do love my family. And this does tear me up inside. And despite all the things that have been said I done, I don''t know if I can just close the door on any type of relationship with them. To some extent, I understand that my parents just want to keep the peace. And I do understand that they probably feel like they are stuck in the middle. As for my sister. I don''t know. She was never like this before, I don''t think she is borderline, because she is totally 100% rational in all aspects. The only time she gets crazed is over FBIL. I think she wants this relationship so much, that she will destroy everything in order to protect it. It''s not rational, but he has this hold over her.

The worst thing in all of this has been my sister. She was my best friend, I can''t count the times we stayed up all night talking there''s nothing that has happened in my life that didn''t involve her. And I remember the night she got into med school, and I didn''t, she was happy because it was a dream come true for her, but she was so sad for me. The following year, when I got in, she cried because she was so happy. She cried for me, but she didn''t cry for herself. For 23 years, she''s been the closest person to me, and for the past year, she''s morphed into someone I don''t know. It would be easier, if she had always been a horrible sister, then I could say that it''s been years and years of a terrible relationship, but it hasn''t.

Thanks for letting me vent, and bounce ideas off of all of you. The situation would probably be even more misreable if I had to keep it all inside.

 

[NYCsparkle]

is there anyway you could have a heart to heart with your sister...alone? don''t bring up fbil, just talk about your lives and where they are going without the fighting? ask her what has caused her to distance herself from you ?---i know its prob fbil, but whatever.....could you possibly live with a relative for the time being until this blows over? it sounds like you''ll be disowned no matter what you choose to do...be strong and stand up for yourself...otherwise no one else will.

HUGS!!!!