Can Men & Women JUST Be Friends?

[iLander]

During the 19 years that I taught secondary school there were more men than women on staff. We all got along beautifully and as far as I know, it was more of a colleague to colleague relationship. There was no in-fighting or back-stabbing that I saw or heard about. No affairs or divorces either.

On a more personal note, our daughter was married at 22 to a really great guy who was gay. She knew this going in (We didn't!), but went ahead with wedding preparations. Apparently, she had the idea of trying to 'convert' him to a heterosexual. They were together for a year before he announced that he was GAY and wanted a divorce. She was heartbroken. We were shell-shocked ! We felt that by paying for a lovely wedding for them, we had unwittingly contributed to an experiment that we knew couldn't have worked.

DH simply shut it out of his mind and carried on as if nothing had happened. My head doesn't operate that way and I grieved for months. Neither of them has ever apologized or offered an explanation to us. It's as if it never happened.

She has re-married another guy and they have a lovely daughter together, BUT so many years have passed that her ex is good friends with her and her family.

Strange but true.

I have often thought about starting a thread on "the parents of divorce", because I think the young couples today don't seem to grasp how their actions effect those around them.

Sorry that you went through this, isaku5. You have amazing self control, I would have presented a bill to the daughter. I would not expect payment, but I think the point would be made.

 

[iLander]

This is my favorite quote from the article;

Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged.

Apparently, as they get older, guys are More likely to think "She wants me". It explains those old guys hitting on the younger girls.

I do think there are a lot of broad generalities in the article, but the contributions from various PSers seems to confirm the gist of the study.

BUT I do think that people do exhibit self-control (obviously). The study didn't really cover if the feelings were acted on, it was more about feelings of attraction.

 

[kenny]

I'm not qualified to answer as I'm gay.
But I will say this, my best friends have been women.
They have told me it's so nice to be close to a man when there are no vibes of attraction.

Kenny, every woman that I know wants a "gay boyfriend" or "gay husband".
Seriously, it's a thing.
Your women friends are living the dream, Kenny.

Really?
Hmm.

Well, maybe I should make them buy me colored diamonds in return for my attention.
Diamonds can be a boy's best friend too.

Kenny, I didn't say it was a Big dream.

I tease . . .

SEE how you are!

 

[isaku5]

During the 19 years that I taught secondary school there were more men than women on staff. We all got along beautifully and as far as I know, it was more of a colleague to colleague relationship. There was no in-fighting or back-stabbing that I saw or heard about. No affairs or divorces either.

On a more personal note, our daughter was married at 22 to a really great guy who was gay. She knew this going in (We didn't!), but went ahead with wedding preparations. Apparently, she had the idea of trying to 'convert' him to a heterosexual. They were together for a year before he announced that he was GAY and wanted a divorce. She was heartbroken. We were shell-shocked ! We felt that by paying for a lovely wedding for them, we had unwittingly contributed to an experiment that we knew couldn't have worked.

DH simply shut it out of his mind and carried on as if nothing had happened. My head doesn't operate that way and I grieved for months. Neither of them has ever apologized or offered an explanation to us. It's as if it never happened.

She has re-married another guy and they have a lovely daughter together, BUT so many years have passed that her ex is good friends with her and her family.

Strange but true.

I have often thought about starting a thread on "the parents of divorce", because I think the young couples today don't seem to grasp how their actions effect those around them.

Sorry that you went through this, isaku5. You have amazing self control, I would have presented a bill to the daughter. I would not expect payment, but I think the point would be made.

That would have been a perfect solution, iLander. At the time, neither of them had money; however, now the ex is a multi-millionaire made so by his share of the proceeds on the sale of his dad''s company. His dad had built the business hoping his two sons would take over when he was ready to retire. Neither son was capable or willing to take the reins ;in fact, the older one was a 'vice-president' in name only.

DD worked for the company starting out as a payroll clerk and eventually over a twenty year period and ten years of study on weekends and holidays graduated as a chartered accountant and controller of the company. Her XFIL rewarded her with a huge salary and bonuses totaling over $200.k. When the business was eventually sold, he gave her an additional year's pay AND wrote into the agreement of sale that if DDIL was let go for any reason, the buyer guaranteed that she would receive her regular pay plus bonuses for 15 months.

It was a generous gesture from an incredible man who didn't know that his older son was gay. That was the payout and since he was on their Board of Directors, he saw to it that everything was in order. Great for her, but how did that help us? It didn't really.

She turns 49 today and we have yet to have her pay for even a dinner or lunch for us.

Isn't there such a thing as the 'trickle down' policy?

No doubt the statute of limitations would no longer apply, but if I had taken the path you suggested, iLander, it would have cleared up the situation somewhat.

When I pass on, she will receive nothing from my estate. She doesn't deserve one dollar.

 

[Sha]

During the 19 years that I taught secondary school there were more men than women on staff. We all got along beautifully and as far as I know, it was more of a colleague to colleague relationship. There was no in-fighting or back-stabbing that I saw or heard about. No affairs or divorces either.

On a more personal note, our daughter was married at 22 to a really great guy who was gay. She knew this going in (We didn't!), but went ahead with wedding preparations. Apparently, she had the idea of trying to 'convert' him to a heterosexual. They were together for a year before he announced that he was GAY and wanted a divorce. She was heartbroken. We were shell-shocked ! We felt that by paying for a lovely wedding for them, we had unwittingly contributed to an experiment that we knew couldn't have worked.

DH simply shut it out of his mind and carried on as if nothing had happened. My head doesn't operate that way and I grieved for months. Neither of them has ever apologized or offered an explanation to us. It's as if it never happened.

She has re-married another guy and they have a lovely daughter together, BUT so many years have passed that her ex is good friends with her and her family.

Strange but true.

I have often thought about starting a thread on "the parents of divorce", because I think the young couples today don't seem to grasp how their actions effect those around them.

Sorry that you went through this, isaku5. You have amazing self control, I would have presented a bill to the daughter. I would not expect payment, but I think the point would be made.

That would have been a perfect solution, iLander. At the time, neither of them had money; however, now the ex is a multi-millionaire made so by his share of the proceeds on the sale of his dad''s company. His dad had built the business hoping his two sons would take over when he was ready to retire. Neither son was capable or willing to take the reins ;in fact, the older one was a 'vice-president' in name only.

DD worked for the company starting out as a payroll clerk and eventually over a twenty year period and ten years of study on weekends and holidays graduated as a chartered accountant and controller of the company. Her XFIL rewarded her with a huge salary and bonuses totaling over $200.k. When the business was eventually sold, he gave her an additional year's pay AND wrote into the agreement of sale that if DDIL was let go for any reason, the buyer guaranteed that she would receive her regular pay plus bonuses for 15 months.

It was a generous gesture from an incredible man who didn't know that his older son was gay. That was the payout and since he was on their Board of Directors, he saw to it that everything was in order. Great for her, but how did that help us? It didn't really.

She turns 49 today and we have yet to have her pay for even a dinner or lunch for us.

Isn't there such a thing as the 'trickle down' policy?

No doubt the statute of limitations would no longer apply, but if I had taken the path you suggested, iLander, it would have cleared up the situation somewhat.

When I pass on, she will receive nothing from my estate. She doesn't deserve one dollar.

What a story, isaku. Sorry you went through that. I know that your DD thought she could've converted her ex, but did the ex think he could be converted as well? Just wondering why he went through with it...

I have a few male friends, but now that I think about it, they all liked me at some point during our friendship.

 

[isaku5]

They were both young and naive and I'm sure they believed that the conversion could have taken place given the correct medical procedure. I remember visiting the ex's parents' beautiful home for a 'meeting' to discuss what could/should be done. The ex's mom served lemonade and cookies and her DH explained to his son the ramifications of his decision not only in terms of their 'marriage' , but also in business. It was all very civilized.

I have to remember that this was in 1985/86 and the limitations of medicine were unknown. His mom took him to the top medical facility and had his mental health assessed. The young couple sought marriage counselling, but all of this was to no avail. We found out years later that DD had confided in her brother, but he was sworn to secrecy and kept his word. I don't blame him in any way.

Frankly, we liked and got along beautifully with the ex and much preferred his attitude, manners etc. to those of the current husband.

 

[rosetta]

Goodness isaku, I can hardly believe your daughter's behaviour! It is NOT OK to not look after your parents (financially or otherwise) as you get older. In my books, good parents should have this expectation. I have spent five minutes daydreaming about earning 200k a year and taking my parents to dinner every week! Sigh. If only!

And as to her belief that gay men can be 'cured' ------>

Anyways, you did what you did to support her, your conscience will at least be clear on that.

 

[isaku5]

Thanks, Rosetta. My conscience is clear; our relationship is best described as 'meh'.

Thank God for our son and his family They're the BEST

 

[AmeliaG]

To answer the original question, I think they can if both are in fulfilling romantic relationships but its hard if one of them isn't.

I tried this with a guy I'd normally be good friends with but I was unhappily single and he was attractive and very attached, so, I was miserable.

 

[star sparkle]

I used to not think so (my experience had always been that no matter how intent I was on being just friends, *they* always wanted something more), but I've since developed a very close, platonic friendship with a male coworker. We work together, yes, but our friendship extends beyond our working walls. He is single and I am engaged, and he has hung out with my FI and I on many occasions outside of work, and now he and my FI are actually developing their own friendship and are starting to do things without me. LOL! I have zero romantic feelings for this guy and I'm pretty sure he has none for me, and he always asks for my take (for the female perspective) on girls he's dating and why we do the things we do. As if he could ever understand.

 

[Skippy123]

This is my favorite quote from the article;

Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged.

Apparently, as they get older, guys are More likely to think "She wants me". It explains those old guys hitting on the younger girls.

I do think there are a lot of broad generalities in the article, but the contributions from various PSers seems to confirm the gist of the study.

BUT I do think that people do exhibit self-control (obviously). The study didn't really cover if the feelings were acted on, it was more about feelings of attraction.

lol I kinda of think this is true though. I know a few guys like this

 

[HollyS]

It depends upon the man. If he cannot control his sexual impulses, probably not. Natural as they may be, those impulses can be reigned in. Yes, we're supposed to be attracted to each other to perpetuate the species. But we aren't merely mammals doing what comes naturally. Men CAN think with their brain. . . too.

 

[kenny]

It depends upon the man. If he cannot control his sexual impulses, probably not. Natural as they may be, those impulses can be reigned in. Yes, we're supposed to be attracted to each other to perpetuate the species. But we aren't merely mammals doing what comes naturally. Men CAN think with their brain. . . too.

Women can be aggressive and not respect boundaries too.
In my life I've had to fight off one or two creeps.

 

[HollyS]

It depends upon the man. If he cannot control his sexual impulses, probably not. Natural as they may be, those impulses can be reigned in. Yes, we're supposed to be attracted to each other to perpetuate the species. But we aren't merely mammals doing what comes naturally. Men CAN think with their brain. . . too.

Women can be aggressive and not respect boundaries too.
In my life I've had to fight off one or two creeps.

There are some women out there who need to dial it back. For sure.
Madonna comes to mind.

 

[MissStepcut]

Like others have said, I think this has very limited applicability into adulthood. I have close male friends that I am totally sure have only platonic feelings for me, most of whom have wives or fiancées or long term girlfriends. I would have agreed whole-heartedly that it's not really possible when I was a college student, but as people age and mature, their relationships (hopefully) mature and change too.

 

[Abby12]

Something almost always happens, even if just once.......

 

[CaprineSun]

I can totally be "just friends" with a man. I have never had a male friend who was "just friends" with me. This was a sickening, heart breaking lesson for me to learn.

YES. I've had a many of (what I thought to be) good friendships with men destroyed--- and I think it's partially my naivete to blame ----in that the friendships would have never gotten so 'close' had I learned that lesson in advance and not think we were just close friends. The platonic intentions and/or desires were always one-sided, unfortunately.

So, actions don't dictate if you are 'just friends'-- desires and intentions do-- and it's not always based on your own.

 

[CJ2008]

So, actions don't dictate if you are 'just friends'-- desires and intentions do-- and it's not always based on your own.

Never thought of it in quite this way, but it's right on.

 

[Tuckins1]

I had a very close guy friend for many years. We would talk to each other about our "conquests", drink beer and watch football, play video games, or just plain hang out. We both had significant others and it was never weird to hang out with each other. Now, we are married.

 

[rubybeth]

This is my favorite quote from the article;

Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged.

Apparently, as they get older, guys are More likely to think "She wants me". It explains those old guys hitting on the younger girls.

lol I kinda of think this is true though. I know a few guys like this

I think the whole article and especially this bolded part above makes a lot of sense from a biological/evolutionary/whatever standpoint. Guy walking around thinking every woman wants him is much more likely to hop into bed and propagate the species. It's not as advantageous for women to have children (even if they do want children, it's still hard on the body, takes a while, and then there's the child care and supporting the child in some way), so they are more selective about their mates. This is probably true for many animals. Males have to 'woo' the females and convince them to get it on.

 

[gem_anemone]

Something almost always happens, even if just once.......

This is kind of what I was trying to get at in my post. If something happened, even just once and then you end up being only friends from that point on, does it still count as JUST friends? If not what should that be called?

 

[packrat]

I had a very close guy friend for many years. We would talk to each other about our "conquests", drink beer and watch football, play video games, or just plain hang out. We both had significant others and it was never weird to hang out with each other. Now, we are married.

Awesome, me too! It's a good way to do it, methinks

 

[Tuckins1]

I had a very close guy friend for many years. We would talk to each other about our "conquests", drink beer and watch football, play video games, or just plain hang out. We both had significant others and it was never weird to hang out with each other. Now, we are married.

Awesome, me too! It's a good way to do it, methinks

Yep, its worked out well so far.