Calling @joelly - Getting ready for Baby

[Miss Marple]

I’d just like to add, if you can’t or don’t want to breastfeed, don’t feel guilty!

My son is a strapping, extremely healthy 36 year old. Never had any serious illnesses, and was bottle fed.

Being a parent is on the job training, every baby is different.

Totally agree with this. I started supplementing at 4 months and felt like a total failure at the time. In retrospect, I should have started supplementing with formula much sooner. Everyone would have been happier.

Btw, I continued to nurse part time for 16 months and it worked really well. I don’t know what the current advice is, but I was told that if I didn’t cut the kid off at 12 months, she’d continue to nurse until 3. Nope. Not at all. A couple of months of “don’t ask, don’t offer” was just fine and not traumatic for either of us.

 

[arkieb1]

I was a late in life mother (almost 40) when I had my son, don't put too many expectations on yourself, it's O.K to have days when you are tired, stressed and aren't coping - that is normal. You have a heap of great advice from all the lovely ladies here, I hope it all goes well for you!!!!

 

[josieKat]

Really good advice here.

As someone with a history of anxiety (who wasn't on meds while pregnant) I just want to mention that the way my PPD expressed itself was with anger, not anxiety or depression, and it also didn't happen until about 6 months after my first child was born when I was fully weaning (I had a low supply and had to start supplementing with formula at 6 weeks; I continued to nurse her on waking and before bed but because the pump never really worked for me I weaned when I went back to work). So, just know that anger can be a symptom - I felt like I was just kind of miserably stuck with everything and couldn't enjoy my baby and was pissed about that. I so hope you don't go through that, but I'd never heard of it being like that and wish I'd know it could happen that way.

In those early weeks - after I'd healed from the C-section through probably until about 16 weeks when I finally started to feel a bit acclimated to the changes - I counted myself very accomplished if I got one thing done a day while I was home with the baby. Just one. Don't expect too much of yourself.

Also, and I have no idea if this was the c-section or just me or what, but I didn't develop the full overwhelming bond with my baby until close to 3ish weeks after birth. I remember feeling like I had so ruined my life (I had not) and while I loved my daughter I wasn't *in love* with her immediately the way many people talk about it. It's okay if it happens that way with you! It will happen!

 

[LLJsmom]

I loved my baby but I didn’t bond with my baby until I could sleep 3-4 hours in a stretch. So that was quite a while. Don’t feel badly if that happens.

 

[joelly]

@josieKat thank you for sharing that. I wasn’t aware that anger can be a symptom as well. I will reach out when I feel out of sort.

@LLJsmom , @josieKat not loving my baby is also a concern that I have. Because I’ve been suffering so much while pregnant. It’s like an alien movie and she grows fast inside me whether I like it or not. God forgive me but sometimes I do resent her when she kicks inside my tummy. I’m afraid to admit it to my hubby and my mom. I mean what would they think. The thought that they’ll take her away from me suffocate me to feeling anxiety and shortness of breath out of nowhere as a result. I’ve always feel in control until now.

 

[Weeivy73]

@joelly please don't be hard on yourself at this time hun. Do things to try and help you relax, do what you love, don't take on board any extra expectations of 'performing' or being 'up' if you're not.
Be gentle on yourself and talk to your professional helper and come onto PS and let us know every step of the way what support you need.

 

[LLJsmom]

I understand. I thought “alien” too! It even looked like one back in the old days when ultrasounds were not 3-D. And I didn’t really want to get pregnant. I did because I promised my DH we would have kids. I was so resentful that when a strange lady at the supermarket touched my belly and cooed “oh you’re pregnant!” I looked at her and said, “no! I’m just fat!”
But these feelings will pass. For me, when my son turned one, I immediately wanted another. My feelings for him grew and developed over time. It took 5-6 months, and when I my maternity leave was over I honestly couldn’t wait to get back to work. You will love your children but not everyone loves the same way. Just be yourself and be kind to yourself. Don’t force it. It will all come.
If you have Netflix, look up Ali Wong. She’s a comedienne who tells it like it is-about child birth and motherhood. Two one hour shows. Baby Cobra And Hard Knock Wife. You are NOT alone. Big hug to you sweetie. You, your hubby and the to be love of your life will all be fine.
And FYI. If I could, I would have another one right now. But alas, operations have now closed down. My children are my reason for living. They are the greatest blessing God has ever given me and I am privileged to be their mother. But I didn’t feel this way the second they exited the womb.

 

[Weeivy73]

I want to show you something that makes these early stages of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood worth it a million million times over.


My 13 year old son, youngest of 3 boys bought me this with his pocket money off an online site for mother's day, it came today. He knows I love bling, he thought of me when he bought this and the look of love and pride on his face when he gave it to me today was a moment I'm not going to forget.
I vividly remember when this gorgeous child was a teeny tiny newborn suffering from reflux and that moment of me breaking and realising I wasn't coping and my third bout of post natal depression was hitting hard and I broke down trying to decide if a pink or green towel would work better for propping him up in his bassinet. I was doubting I could carry on caring for all my kids without screwing them up, but here I am, a lovely teenager, a son about to finish high school and go to university and my eldest making it on his own in another city studying and desiring to be a youth pastor. I'm a beyond satisfied mummy now and yet there was so much doubt at the start. It's never easy, there's always stuff going on, but look!!! A heart shaped CZ white plated metal ring with scratchy monster claws, a little too big and cheesy as heck and my heart is bursting tonight.

 

[angeljosephy]

I understand. I thought “alien” too! It even looked like one back in the old days when ultrasounds were not 3-D. And I didn’t really want to get pregnant. I did because I promised my DH we would have kids. I was so resentful that when a strange lady at the supermarket touched my belly and cooed “oh you’re pregnant!” I looked at her and said, “no! I’m just fat!”

Sorry to derail this thread but @LLJsmom this statement really resonated with me. I also promised my husband we would have kids but I really don't like babies/kids at all and feel both resentful and also fearful at the mere thought of getting pregnant. I'm only 27 now and I still feel like a kid myself! If it's not too much trouble could you please share with me what you did to get over the hurdles or to mentally prepare yourself for the pregnancy? I understand where my husband is coming from and his excitement to start a 'family' and I do worry sometimes that refusing to have a baby will cause rifts between us but somehow I just can't get over the potential eternal loss of freedom (bothtime-wise and financially). I'm just not a very motherly person.

 

[LLJsmom]

@angeljosephy
The short answer is I couldn't prepare myself for the pregnancy and didn't get over the hurdle. I just sucked it up and got pregnant because I committed to it. If I wasn't going to get pregnant, I should have never married my husband because he was clear about what he wanted. And I understand that these kinds of differences are relationship deal breakers, and my top priority was to be with him. I didn't want to rob him the chance to have a family. And reneging after the wedding ceremony would have amounted to fraud and that's not who I am.

I apologize. This will be long.

I'm not a motherly type at all either. (If you've seen Jerry Maguire, I'm like Jerry's first girl friend in the scene where she gives him $hit for losing his biggest client.)

But there I was, pregnant and about to give birth. I wasn't excited about something growing in me, and couldn't wait to get it out of me. With that kind of mindset, I couldn't prepare much except take care of the external stuff, crib, clothes, diapers, car seat, etc as I was instructed. Emotionally, I was scared and dreading delivery. But it's very normal to be scared. Give permission to yourself to feel what you feel.

The physical recovery from birth was hard. I am telling you to reassure you that as hard as it was, the body does heal. Nursing was painful, and isolating, and body depleting. But after a couple of months, it will get easier and less painful.

The funny thing was, I was very forgiving of myself for not bonding quickly, not being ecstatically happy to be a parent. What normal human being wouldn't be pissed? (Btw, the whole pregnancy and birth thing confirmed in my mind that women, as a gender, really got the short end of the stick. Thus being angry and resentful was only natural. Again, I refer to Ali Wong on Netflix. Hilarious and real. You have to see it if you haven't already.)
By about month 4, I was able to spend several hours a day interacting with the baby other than feeding. When I started work again, got on a regular schedule, exercised regularly, and regained my strength and appearance, I felt less resentful. I fully accepted that I could never become a full time mom and spend all day with the baby. I thought about all the other cultures that would give birth and hand the baby over to a wet nurse and a nanny, and I thought, heck, I'm doing pretty good. (I do think this culture puts a very high value on being with the kid 24/7. I don't think I believe in the same thing.)
All along, I asked for a lot of help. From the day I got back from the hospital, I asked for help from my parents, my DH's parents, my extended family, whoever could come. I knew I could not cope. My advice to you is to consider hiring people for a number of hours every day, and maybe even more hours during the first several weeks when you come back to the hospital.

If I were to have a child now, I would want to spend most of my waking hours with a new baby, and try to spend as much time with my children as possible. But that's only because I've already been through it and have experienced how rewarding it is being involved and present with my children. My son is entering his senior year in high school and my daughter is starting high school. I've loved experiencing life with them and being their parent, seeing the awesome, infuriating, frustrating, amazing, cool, inspiring, smart, funny, loving, kind, and so-much-better-than-me people they have become. It's been the biggest challenge and biggest blessing of my life. So no matter how much I was emotionally dragged kicking and screaming out of my me-me-me life, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I never loved this unconditionally or been loved in this way. And unless one has experienced it, one will never know. And all those financial and emotional sacrifices that I dreaded making, now, with these "kids" of mine, I am continually looking for different ways of sacrificing even more, and I am doing all this almost unconsciously. Your heart and your world expands. But let me assure you, you have to go through it to know it. Was it worth it for me? Yes, every last second, every last penny.

 

[Weeivy73]

@angeljosephy
The short answer is I couldn't prepare myself for the pregnancy and didn't get over the hurdle. I just sucked it up and got pregnant because I committed to it. If I wasn't going to get pregnant, I should have never married my husband because he was clear about what he wanted. And I understand that these kinds of differences are relationship deal breakers, and my top priority was to be with him. I didn't want to rob him the chance to have a family. And reneging after the wedding ceremony would have amounted to fraud and that's not who I am.

I apologize. This will be long.

I'm not a motherly type at all either. (If you've seen Jerry Maguire, I'm like Jerry's first girl friend in the scene where she gives him $hit for losing his biggest client.)

But there I was, pregnant and about to give birth. I wasn't excited about something growing in me, and couldn't wait to get it out of me. With that kind of mindset, I couldn't prepare much except take care of the external stuff, crib, clothes, diapers, car seat, etc as I was instructed. Emotionally, I was scared and dreading delivery. But it's very normal to be scared. Give permission to yourself to feel what you feel.

The physical recovery from birth was hard. I am telling you to reassure you that as hard as it was, the body does heal. Nursing was painful, and isolating, and body depleting. But after a couple of months, it will get easier and less painful.

The funny thing was, I was very forgiving of myself for not bonding quickly, not being ecstatically happy to be a parent. What normal human being wouldn't be pissed? (Btw, the whole pregnancy and birth thing confirmed in my mind that women, as a gender, really got the short end of the stick. Thus being angry and resentful was only natural. Again, I refer to Ali Wong on Netflix. Hilarious and real. You have to see it if you haven't already.)
By about month 4, I was able to spend several hours a day interacting with the baby other than feeding. When I started work again, got on a regular schedule, exercised regularly, and regained my strength and appearance, I felt less resentful. I fully accepted that I could never become a full time mom and spend all day with the baby. I thought about all the other cultures that would give birth and hand the baby over to a wet nurse and a nanny, and I thought, heck, I'm doing pretty good. (I do think this culture puts a very high value on being with the kid 24/7. I don't think I believe in the same thing.)
All along, I asked for a lot of help. From the day I got back from the hospital, I asked for help from my parents, my DH's parents, my extended family, whoever could come. I knew I could not cope. My advice to you is to consider hiring people for a number of hours every day, and maybe even more hours during the first several weeks when you come back to the hospital.

If I were to have a child now, I would want to spend most of my waking hours with a new baby, and try to spend as much time with my children as possible. But that's only because I've already been through it and have experienced how rewarding it is being involved and present with my children. My son is entering his senior year in high school and my daughter is starting high school. I've loved experiencing life with them and being their parent, seeing the awesome, infuriating, frustrating, amazing, cool, inspiring, smart, funny, loving, kind, and so-much-better-than-me people they have become. It's been the biggest challenge and biggest blessing of my life. So no matter how much I was emotionally dragged kicking and screaming out of my me-me-me life, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I never loved this unconditionally or been loved in this way. And unless one has experienced it, one will never know. And all those financial and emotional sacrifices that I dreaded making, now, with these "kids" of mine, I am continually looking for different ways of sacrificing even more, and I am doing all this almost unconsciously. Your heart and your world expands. But let me assure you, you have to go through it to know it. Was it worth it for me? Yes, every last second, every last penny.

LLJsmom, this make me tear up, I am so happy that you are being so honest here about your experiences. I was the polar opposite actually, I had such extreme anxiety it actually morphed in a weird thing. I felt so overwhelmed (smothered) by having a baby on me all the time, but simultaneously I couldn't bear him to be out of my sight. Very weird sensations. It was almost 8 months after his birth that I went out on my own without him. Fortunately for me those horrible anxieties and fears subsided slightly with each new bubba.

 

[Bonfire]

@angeljosephy
The short answer is I couldn't prepare myself for the pregnancy and didn't get over the hurdle. I just sucked it up and got pregnant because I committed to it. If I wasn't going to get pregnant, I should have never married my husband because he was clear about what he wanted. And I understand that these kinds of differences are relationship deal breakers, and my top priority was to be with him. I didn't want to rob him the chance to have a family. And reneging after the wedding ceremony would have amounted to fraud and that's not who I am.

I apologize. This will be long.

I'm not a motherly type at all either. (If you've seen Jerry Maguire, I'm like Jerry's first girl friend in the scene where she gives him $hit for losing his biggest client.)

But there I was, pregnant and about to give birth. I wasn't excited about something growing in me, and couldn't wait to get it out of me. With that kind of mindset, I couldn't prepare much except take care of the external stuff, crib, clothes, diapers, car seat, etc as I was instructed. Emotionally, I was scared and dreading delivery. But it's very normal to be scared. Give permission to yourself to feel what you feel.

The physical recovery from birth was hard. I am telling you to reassure you that as hard as it was, the body does heal. Nursing was painful, and isolating, and body depleting. But after a couple of months, it will get easier and less painful.

The funny thing was, I was very forgiving of myself for not bonding quickly, not being ecstatically happy to be a parent. What normal human being wouldn't be pissed? (Btw, the whole pregnancy and birth thing confirmed in my mind that women, as a gender, really got the short end of the stick. Thus being angry and resentful was only natural. Again, I refer to Ali Wong on Netflix. Hilarious and real. You have to see it if you haven't already.)
By about month 4, I was able to spend several hours a day interacting with the baby other than feeding. When I started work again, got on a regular schedule, exercised regularly, and regained my strength and appearance, I felt less resentful. I fully accepted that I could never become a full time mom and spend all day with the baby. I thought about all the other cultures that would give birth and hand the baby over to a wet nurse and a nanny, and I thought, heck, I'm doing pretty good. (I do think this culture puts a very high value on being with the kid 24/7. I don't think I believe in the same thing.)
All along, I asked for a lot of help. From the day I got back from the hospital, I asked for help from my parents, my DH's parents, my extended family, whoever could come. I knew I could not cope. My advice to you is to consider hiring people for a number of hours every day, and maybe even more hours during the first several weeks when you come back to the hospital.

If I were to have a child now, I would want to spend most of my waking hours with a new baby, and try to spend as much time with my children as possible. But that's only because I've already been through it and have experienced how rewarding it is being involved and present with my children. My son is entering his senior year in high school and my daughter is starting high school. I've loved experiencing life with them and being their parent, seeing the awesome, infuriating, frustrating, amazing, cool, inspiring, smart, funny, loving, kind, and so-much-better-than-me people they have become. It's been the biggest challenge and biggest blessing of my life. So no matter how much I was emotionally dragged kicking and screaming out of my me-me-me life, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I never loved this unconditionally or been loved in this way. And unless one has experienced it, one will never know. And all those financial and emotional sacrifices that I dreaded making, now, with these "kids" of mine, I am continually looking for different ways of sacrificing even more, and I am doing all this almost unconsciously. Your heart and your world expands. But let me assure you, you have to go through it to know it. Was it worth it for me? Yes, every last second, every last penny.

Lovely @LLJsmom

 

[LLJsmom]

LLJsmom, this make me tear up, I am so happy that you are being so honest here about your experiences. I was the polar opposite actually, I had such extreme anxiety it actually morphed in a weird thing. I felt so overwhelmed (smothered) by having a baby on me all the time, but simultaneously I couldn't bear him to be out of my sight. Very weird sensations. It was almost 8 months after his birth that I went out on my own without him. Fortunately for me those horrible anxieties and fears subsided slightly with each new bubba.

Thank you @Weeivy73 I think it is awesome that so many people have shared so honestly. It isn’t that hard because I KNOW I am not the only one. After I gave birth to my first, I kept wondering how the hell the earth ever became populated.
Before I gave birth NO ONE TOLD ME A SINGLE DAMN THING! Having an inkling that birth and motherhood wouldn’t be all hearts and rainbows would have helped me. The main reason why my second was such a different experience was because I KNEW what was coming. And as bad as it may feel at some points, it DOES get better. And the actual “motherhood” stuff, happens in spite of you, or at least me.
everyone’s reactions and way of dealing can be different. You got through it too. And you did it again. So I hope people keep sharing their stories.

 

[LLJsmom]

Lovely @LLJsmom

(((HUG))). @Bonfire

 

[eh613c]

@LLJsmom thanks for being honest and brave sharing your story.

 

[joelly]

@LLJsmom thank you for sharing this beautiful story. This really helps me put things at ease for myself. It will happen in spite of me so there is hope.

 

[LLJsmom]

@LLJsmom thank you for sharing this beautiful story. This really helps me put things at ease for myself. It will happen in spite of me so there is hope.

There is always hope. I’m sorry I cannot tell you exactly at what week or moment or hour that you will feel that connection or that “feeling”. I can only assure you that it will. Or it maybe the shared experience of the birth, and those sleepless nights, and trying to teach yourself and the baby to nurse and the tenth diaper in as many hours, that you guys look at each other and go, “We’re gonna get through this together, and we'll all be ok.”

 

[Bonfire]

The emotions are so complex. Your life is about to change forever and that’s scary. You will come to find that this child (all the way into adulthood) will expand your heart, your fears, your worries, your entire being as there is nothing more meaningful in your life. Your focus is off yourself. You will realize how much stronger you are. How to appreciate simple joys. This human connection or bond will carry you through the rest of your life. Each chapter gets better and better.
It’s hard, it’s scary, it’s messy and exhausting. But you will find your way and you will be infinitely enriched.

 

[CareBear]

It looks like others have covered all the "big" stuff, so how about I cover diaper rashes? My little one had the most stubborn diaper rash that refused to go away. After countless creams, ointments and doc visits, I found a solution online that finally worked. A few tables spoons of baking soda in his bath water for a few days and everything cleared up. I fill the tub with 1/3 of the usual bath water, add the baking soda, and let the little one sit it in for 10 mins. Works every time!

 

[KKJohnson]

I just wanted to add my take on antidepressants and breastfeeding. There is a ton of pressure we place on ourselves to breastfeed and provide for our LOs, I went on Zoloft (which is safe for breastfeeding) and had a major dip in my supply because of it. Apparently there is a small percentage of women affected by this way, so if you just don't feel like baby is getting enough milk please just remember the reason could be something other than you.

Also joining a facebook mamma/baby group was wonderful since the woman were all experiencing the same as you at the same time.

I want to also add a recommendation for lotion/bath wash, infants are prone to cradle cap and eczema. This brand is the only thing that worked for us (I tried 6 other brands prior) https://tubbytodd.com/ it smells amazing and since I have switched my daughter hasn't had a single breakout. I will probably buy this stuff forever lol

 

[angeljosephy]

@angeljosephy
The short answer is I couldn't prepare myself for the pregnancy and didn't get over the hurdle. I just sucked it up and got pregnant because I committed to it. If I wasn't going to get pregnant, I should have never married my husband because he was clear about what he wanted. And I understand that these kinds of differences are relationship deal breakers, and my top priority was to be with him. I didn't want to rob him the chance to have a family. And reneging after the wedding ceremony would have amounted to fraud and that's not who I am.

@LLJsmom Thank you so much for sharing your story so honestly and with so much detail, it was very very helpful indeed and it did take some of the burden off my shoulders knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I know that many people out there will judge me for this, but the fact is we have had two accidental pregnancies in the past, when I was only 24 and 25 and training to be a lawyer, and both times my husband has respected my timeline and was with me all the way in getting abortions. (It feels very weird to be sharing this on an online forum, but also very gratifying in some way, because this has been a secret that we have both been hiding from our families all along.) I feel like I owe it to my husband now to at least give it a try after the earlier disappointments, and maybe third time lucky?

Not bonding with the child and being overwhelmed by the responsibilities are my greatest fears. It's comforting to read that for you, the journey has been worth it 100%! If I had stayed single I have no doubt that I would have been one of those crazy old ladies with 5 dogs and 10 cats (for some reason I find loving animals so much easier and more natural and dare I say unconditional than loving a kicking and screaming baby who pukes down your back and poops in your face), but I suppose you're right in that after years of me-me-me, it's time to grow up and suck it up!

 

[Starfacet]

If we're recommending products here, this stuff works wonders on diaper rash: https://bagbalm.com/products/vermonts-original-bag-balm-for-dry-chapped-skin-conditions-8-ounce-tin
It's available at most drugstores, or at least it used to be. My kid is 22 so I don't buy it anymore!

 

[LLJsmom]

The emotions are so complex. Your life is about to change forever and that’s scary. You will come to find that this child (all the way into adulthood) will expand your heart, your fears, your worries, your entire being as there is nothing more meaningful in your life. Your focus is off yourself. You will realize how much stronger you are. How to appreciate simple joys. This human connection or bond will carry you through the rest of your life. Each chapter gets better and better.
It’s hard, it’s scary, it’s messy and exhausting. But you will find your way and you will be infinitely enriched.

Beautifully said. YES YES YES.

 

[LLJsmom]

@LLJsmom Thank you so much for sharing your story so honestly and with so much detail, it was very very helpful indeed and it did take some of the burden off my shoulders knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I know that many people out there will judge me for this, but the fact is we have had two accidental pregnancies in the past, when I was only 24 and 25 and training to be a lawyer, and both times my husband has respected my timeline and was with me all the way in getting abortions. (It feels very weird to be sharing this on an online forum, but also very gratifying in some way, because this has been a secret that we have both been hiding from our families all along.) I feel like I owe it to my husband now to at least give it a try after the earlier disappointments, and maybe third time lucky?

Not bonding with the child and being overwhelmed by the responsibilities are my greatest fears. It's comforting to read that for you, the journey has been worth it 100%! If I had stayed single I have no doubt that I would have been one of those crazy old ladies with 5 dogs and 10 cats (for some reason I find loving animals so much easier and more natural and dare I say unconditional than loving a kicking and screaming baby who pukes down your back and poops in your face), but I suppose you're right in that after years of me-me-me, it's time to grow up and suck it up!

@angeljosephy I wouldn't dream of judging you on your decisions. I am not you and I haven't walked in your shoes. I am not trying to advocate parenthood in anyway. I respect every person's situation. Some people decide not to have children, and some people couldn't, whatever the case may be, and that is a whole other issue. I was speaking only for my case where I decided to get pregnant but wasn't excited for it. So sorry, this is going to be another long one.

I think society's expectations of to be mothers (especially new mothers) are not fair. It's supposed to be this amazing, wonderful experience to give birth and be a new mother...blah, blah, blah. When you're in the midst of it, you wonder, what was I thinking?? I agreed to this? (Forgive me. I know some people have had very wonderful experiences. I am speaking only of my own.)

I'm going to share the snippet below to tell you that if you're worried about feeling overwhelmed and not bonding, please don't be surprised if you ARE overwhelmed and DON'T bond immediately. Just don't beat yourself up about it. The human body goes through a lot to carry a child, give birth and be the sole source of nourishment for a baby. And the emotional aspect is a whole other thing. How do you expect a person who has been an independent, separate human to transform into this "mother" and everything society and personal history seems to dictate over the course of 24-48 (God forbid) hours of labor?

I KNOW that I am NOT the only person that felt this way but no one ever wants to talk about it. Don't let society make you feel like you're a bad person/mother for not loving every second of this torture. (probably not the most encouraging word, but gotta keep it real) But, DON'T let this fear prevent you from doing something that could be the BEST thing you've ever done. (Sorry, maybe I am advocating parenthood. However, the story below may turn you off forever.)

Those first nights at the hospital after giving birth I remember well. I couldn't go to the bathroom with out assistance. My body hurt. I had a wailing baby I was supposed to feed. What the hell was this "latching" thing? I couldn't figure it out. The hungry and frustrated baby couldn't figure it out. (Great. Now I'm blaming the baby.) And THIS was supposed to be the most wonderful and amazing experience of my life? You have GOT to be kidding. Argh. Why is the baby crying again? Why did I insist on keeping it in the room with me? DH just checked the diaper. It's clean. OK, fine, let me "try" to feed it again. Is it eating? Whatever, at least it stopped crying. How long am I supposed to hold it here? My arms are tired. What if I shift and drop this thing on the floor? But if I pull if off my boob it may start crying again. OMG. I am so f***ing tired. Why am I in this hospital gown with my boobs hanging out and this thing on me. Here DH take it so I can sleep. If you wake it I will kill you.

My point is, if anyone expected me to bond or NOT to feel overwhelmed, they were insane. For the next two weeks at home, I was trying to get enough strength to make it to the bathroom on my own. The only thing I really bonded with was my sitz bath, which I truly loved for 15 minutes three times a day. And my DH because he changed the baby, gave baths, set up my sitz bath, etc. I welcomed visitors (but never saw them), as long as they took turns holding the baby while I slept.

And that's just the first couple of weeks. I'll stop here. I think the baseline expectation should be to feel overwhelmed and not bond. But it doesn't stay that way. The baby grows and is ever changing. You and your DH learn and grow just to keep up. And in the midst of all the craziness and sleepless nights, explosion poopies (my son), and projectile vommiting (my daughter), you, your DH and your new baby develop a bond. You and your DH "become" parents, by actually parenting, by working together to help this tiny little bundle, that cannot do anything without you, stay alive AND thrive.

To be honest, I never even realized myself until I wrote it just above that this is how I became a parent. I am still "becoming" a parent, and different ways, it's just as "overwhelming" at this stage. Teenagers need a different things. My older is starting to apply for college, and I am trying to be the THAT parent now, to help him where he needs help, and to let go where he needs to do it on his own. I'm trying to find the right balance, and hope I'm not screwing up his future, and to love him the way he needs to be loved. My daughter is enjoying the trials and tribulations of puberty and mean girls and the social nightmare and hierarchy that is high school. It's my job to guide/help/throw her a lifeline while she navigates those treacherous waters and continues to give me eyerolls and exasperated sighs. And maybe this is what continues to make it the most challenging and soul fulfilling experience of my life, being the best parent I can be to these people so they can be the best people they can be.

Adding this. I feel badly because my intention is not to scare anyone. Everyone can have very different child birth experiences. In fact, with my second, I was walking around Target two days after giving birth. Labor was 6 hours, rather than 24. I was awake and alert immediately, and definitely way more calm and way less angry. Part of it was because the birth was so much easier, and the other part was I knew what to expect, how to change a diaper, how to nurse, could walk to the bathroom and pee on my own. So not only is each person different, each delivery can be very different too.

 

[Austina]

My overriding feeling after giving birth was total relief it was finally over! I didn’t feel a sudden surge of maternal feelings, I was just glad he was out, and immediately handed him to my husband. Truth be told, I was disappointed, because I’d convinced myself he was going to be a girl.

I would say the first few weeks were just a case of trying to find the time to have a shower and get dressed before midday.

I can’t remember when I realised I loved my child, it just crept up on me, but it certainly wasn’t instant.

I don’t think I know anyone who thinks they’ve done a good job being a parent, we all just do the best we can.

 

[joelly]

@LLJsmom I really appreciate that you share your story. Yes I agree that what I get from most people is all roses and chocolates. But then I end up with super complicated pregnancy to the point that I resent my pregnancy. And do I feel guilty about it? No I don’t because all I can feel is pain so I thought I’m justified but still I feel like maybe I shouldn’t be a Mom. When I share to hubby, he said the same thing with fear in his eyes. I got down to anxiety and depression, now I’m on anti-depression and I feel better mentally but physically, I can hardly walk. My circulation is off at the right side of my body. All is due to this glorious pregnancy (I said this with sarcasm). I don’t think I have that glowing aura of a pregnant woman. I’m just angry and irritated all the time. Plus I’m hungry all the time. I hate the food I used to like and begin to eat like I’m 7 yrs old. 1st trimester is puking non stop with hyperemesis gravidarum and a stay at the hospital. The horrible 1st trimester lasted for 6 months then suddenly 3rd trimester comes and is no joke. 3rd trimester comes with sleepless nights, lightnings from my woman area, braxton hicks comes and goes like hiccups, contractions that comes and goes as if saying just kidding, but the baby is thriving and she is big (8.5 lbs now at 39 weeks). She kicks and kicks and stretches, she is having more fun than me so I think that is a blessing. At least one of us is having fun.

The day after tomorrow, I’ll be going in for a c section at 10am. I’m so looking forward to see her and to get back to my old self (I’m sure it’s a slow process) but at least I can walk again like a normal person. The different now is I won’t walk alone, I will have her walk with me in her stroller. I hope she is an active person. Not a homebody like hubby

 

[Tekate]

Ha! I hated being pregnant. I felt also like an alien was inside of me. It took me 3.5 months to figure out I was pregnant, I thought I was having an early menopause! hahahaha (and truth be known I thought the same 3 years later when my 2nd pregnancy happened). I called my son the baby from hell, I think I was a bit crazy, I got 2 speeding tickets in 3 days because I would dump my infant in my husbands hands, get into the car and speed up and down the Taconic Pkwy.. I was halfway crazy, I kept saying to my friends, "I waited 35 years for the most miserable experience of my life" like I said, nutzoid.

I grew to love my son daily, I grew as a mother, I never felt competent as a mother another truth. I never had people giving my unoffered advice but this was in the late 80s so maybe people do this now. I think surprise pregnancies are sometimes not handled well in he beginning at l had 2 of them. I would NEVER ever change a thing in my life, I love my sons like I love air. But pregnancy isn't that easy for everyone.

I remember seriously wanting to smack my co-worker who 'loved' being preggers, her skin looked like a models, meanwhile I turned red blotchy..

I'm glad I have my sons, and now a granddaughter.. it is my life really.

I understand. I was angry and depressed while pregnant with #1. I kept eating to self medicate. I gained 54 pounds and my son was 6 pound s. My cholesterol was 289. I felt like an alien like from the actual original movie Alien had inhabited my body and was going to burst out of it like it did in the movie. Please do what you need to do to take care with yourself and cope. I think that once you get part of your body back it will get better. Send out an SOS by tagging someone here if you need to vent or have questions or whatever. And with nursing, don’t hesitate to get help from a lactation consultant if things are not going well. It helps just to have someone there.

 

[LLJsmom]

@joelly I’ll be thinking about you on Friday at 10am. I’m excited for you to be done with this pregnancy and to finally get to meet the baby. Hugs to you and your hubby.

 

[LLJsmom]

@Tekate you seriously crack me up!! And now you’re a grandma. Yeah. You survived.

 

[carbonfan]

Aww, I am so excited for you @joelly! I have enjoyed reading everyone's experiences and could certainly identify with the trials and triumphs of new parenthood (and just parenthood in general). Society tends to glamorize/romanticize both marriage and parenthood, and IMHO that is a grave disservice because they both require a lot of hard work, and the cultural portrayal of them sets up the expectation that anything that isn't smooth sailing is abnormal. But challenges inevitably arise, different challenges for different people, but challenges all the same, and that is to be expected. The best things in life require significant effort, but this requisite investment of time and energy also makes us appreciate things all the more.

For me personally there were a ton of challenges as a new mom, although fortunately bonding with each baby was not one of them. With our first child I went to 41 weeks, was in labor for 20 hours and ended up going to induction, and upon arriving home promptly developed conjunctivitis (Side note: be sure to wash your hands frequently at the hospital, especially if you wear contacts! I even packed my favorite foaming soap the 2nd and 3rd time around just to make it more pleasant because I truly detested the hospital soap!). My milk took a little while to come in and then a week later I developed mastitis and blocked ducts on one side, tried to nurse through it and use compresses and fenugreek as advised, and eventually that side just shut down. Luckily I was able to nurse our son through 12 months using only the functioning side, but that setback definitely made me feel like I had failed in some way. Again, though, no judgment if you decide not to breastfeed! I will say that my breastfeeding improved with each baby, and our 2nd and 3rd kiddos have amazingly resilient immune systems compared with our first. Coincidence, perhaps, but in any case, but I would totally do it all again if there is any chance that it helped!

So my personal opinion is that life throws us curve balls in part to strengthen and shape us (what doesn't challenge us doesn't change us, as the slogan goes!), and I guess life would be somewhat monotonous without them (although sometimes I would probably choose that!). Whether it is colic, diaper rash, ear infections, postpartum aftereffects, etc. there will be challenges. It really helps to know that going into it. Although I bonded with each baby right away, it took my husband a bit longer to feel connected. And I will say that the sleep deprivation almost brought me to my knees more than a few times. When I was pregnant with our second child our first child got a virus and I inadvertently contracted it from him. It turned out to be CMV, which can have disastrous effects on the baby. We went to an obstetric specialist and I underwent advanced testing (stressful to say the least) and luckily it turned out to be a secondary infection, meaning that the baby would not be adversely affected. I had a scheduled induction at 41 weeks and he was born perfectly healthy. I cried tears of gratitude. Nursing was a breeze with our second (who nursed to 15 months) and our third (who went to 18 months) and I was able to nurse on both sides, which felt like victory in many ways and made things so much easier. So I really do think it gets easier with subsequent babies because you know what to expect and your body knows what to do. So just know that there is hope!

I had always envisioned having two children, but when our second child turned one, my husband lobbied for a third. I was somewhat surprised by this as he went through a lot of ups and downs with our second, but I was thrilled nonetheless. That pregnancy turned out to be the easiest of them all, and at my 40-week appointment they scheduled an induction for 41 weeks. As fate would have it, I went into precipitous labor the following day and he was born in 90 minutes flat... we didn't even make it to the hospital! I had never gone into labor on my own so I assumed the contractions were Braxton Hicks, so my husband took me straight to my OB's office. She is an absolute rock star, took the whole thing in stride, and our son was born there 7 minutes after we arrived. (And in her 20 years of practice our son was the first baby to be delivered in her office, in an exam room that she has dedicated to Dave Matthews, no less!). I was so grateful that my husband had the presence of mind to take me to my OB's office because if we had gone to the hospital our son would have been born in the waiting room with the help of strangers. Craziness! And this child is just a ray of sunshine and he truly has completed our family perfectly.

With each newborn I also struggled to keep up with a challenging job (I didn't take any official leave with any of our kids, just worked from home for a bit), and as someone who has always been able to multitask and juggle everything I suddenly found myself struggling to complete even the simplest of tasks. I tried to cut myself some slack emotionally, but just trying to balance everything was a bear. And for me personally I felt very disconnected from my husband at times. We didn't get a babysitter until our first child was a year old (can you say anxious first-time parents?), which I am sure contributed to it. We were comfortable getting a babysitter by 6 months with our second child and by 3 months with our third, and I will say that having an evening out here or there helped a ton!!

I have been fortunate to receive a lot of amazing advice from friends over the years, and I will say that when each challenge hit, one of the things that got me through was remembering that it was temporary, that this too shall pass, and sometimes I just focused on getting through 5 or 10 minutes at a time, then another 5 or 10 minutes, etc. Sometimes it felt like life was crashing in on me, but I would try to focus on the present, stay in the moment, and let each wave wash over me. And did I mention that power naps can really be a game changer! Perspective is everything as a new mom, and nothing helps me keep (or lose) perspective like sleep (or lack thereof). So be bold in asking for help and carving out time for some quality zzz's. Being a mom has challenged and changed me in so many ways, and despite all of the drama along the way I would not trade one step of the journey because it has helped me grow in important ways and has given me three amazing children who fill my heart in ways I never imagined.

Also, I have been constantly reminded of the saying that "the days are long but the years are short." As cliché as it sounds, nothing could be more true... there are minutes, hours, days that seem to last an eternity, and then you blink and 5 years have passed. The things that used to grate on me during the toddler years are some of the things I miss the most now, but luckily with the second and third children I learned to savor the moment and enjoy everything more! Even when you do everything right there will be some "holy crap" moments, so just know that those are part of the deal. Everyone's journey through parenthood is uniquely and perfectly imperfect, but I guess my best advice is to try to keep your sense of humor and everything will go better! And power naps, date nights, and a glass of wine here or there will go a long way in helping to keep a positive perspective!

I am so excited for you and will be sending you good vibes on Friday! Please keep us posted when you can, but most of all, just take time out for yourself and do what YOU need to do. It is a special time but it can certainly be a roller coaster... just know that everything you feel and experience is perfectly okay, and hopefully that will help you to enjoy the ride. Hugs!!