Calling @joelly - Getting ready for Baby

[LLJsmom]

Hi @joelly I just wanted to start a new thread here so as not to detail the other thread and to leave this open in case you have any questions or want to vent at any time from now through the first year or two.
Forgive me if I seem long winded or prone to lecturing. I speak only from my own experience. Some other people have very different hold birth and year 1s. I had my first child at 31 and wasn’t not at all ready. Although people told me stuff I was not prepared for the physical, mental and emotional toll of being a new Mom. So if you want to know anything let us know. I will share some stuff hat really helped me. Hope others will share if they have good tips too. Take care and chat soon.

 

[anne_h]

I agree, becoming a new mother was intense. I thought I knew what to expect, and it was beyond that.

Some lessons learned:

- We sleep trained all our kids. It worked great and helped everyone get regular sleep. We used the technique in the 'Baby wise' book. That said, I know sleep training is controversial for some people...
- I second what LLJ says, get your partner involved in childcare & domestic duties from Day 1. My mistake was initially trying to do it all myself because I felt that was my job as the person on mat leave. Not fair and not realistic. We had to adjust.
- I was caught off-guard by my mother-in-law having lots of 'feedback' about our parenting... so work out with your partner that you will need a united front, and stand strong. lol
- Start saving for your child's education early. We started as soon as each was born... first by saving some of the cash gifts received, and then by contributing ourselves every month. Starting early puts the power of compound returns on your side. Personally, I invest mainly in stocks (index funds) while the kids are young (long time horizon).
- Buy tons of those soft little baby facecloths and put a couple in every bag... they are great for spit-ups or other emergencies.

Anne

 

[joelly]

Hi @joelly I just wanted to start a new thread here so as not to detail the other thread and to leave this open in case you have any questions or want to vent at any time from now through the first year or two.
Forgive me if I seem long winded or prone to lecturing. I speak only from my own experience. Some other people have very different hold birth and year 1s. I had my first child at 31 and wasn’t not at all ready. Although people told me stuff I was not prepared for the physical, mental and emotional toll of being a new Mom. So if you want to know anything let us know. I will share some stuff hat really helped me. Hope others will share if they have good tips too. Take care and chat soon.

Thank you for doing this. This is what I need. Hubby and I are clueless.

I shared what you posted earlier to hubby and he said that he never knew it will be like that.

Due to medical reason and baby is too big to go thru naturally, a c section is scheduled for this coming Friday. Doctor said the recovery will take 2-3 weeks.

 

[LLJsmom]

If you have a natural birth and this is your first birth chances are good you may need an episiotomy. I had grade 3 tears so it was bad. I had to use the sitz bath 3 times a day, antibiotics and Vicodin to deal with the pain post partum. So I would order the sitz bath now to have it ready. It promotes healing and is very very soothing.


I would get some larger diapers also ready. The ones at the hospital are super small. Both my kids had explosion poppies that went up there backs. I found huggies more secure and held in more poop than pampers. It’s just that you’re exhausted and don’t want to give that poor baby a bath every time you need to change him/her. We’ve had to actually throw away onesies cause we did not even want to try to clean the mess. Also I found triple paste more effective at preventing diaper rash than desitin. We also used aquaphor on our son because he peed so often that it just soaked his skin and caused rashes.


If you’re planning to nurse let us know. I can suggest some other tricks to help. I nursed mine directly for five months until I had to work. Then I pumped for 7 while at work.

 

[Bonfire]

Doctors always make these recovery times seem so trivial. Get plenty of sleep now and eat well. After your surgery it may hurt at first but walk, walk, walk! It will help you to heal faster.
Congratulations, you’re about to meet the love of your life!

 

[LLJsmom]

As @anne_h said don’t feel you need to do this alone. Split and assign duties. You are both responsible for keeping this new family member alive and thriving.

If you nurse...
Drink lots of fluids. I think everyone is different. I found meat and bone based broths seemed to increase my milk production. I would make a large stock pot worth and finish it over two days. Try different fluids and see what works for you. If you aren’t producing enough initially, try pumping in between feedings. This tricks your body into thinking it needs more, which then increases the production. A woman’s body is amazing. I used a Medela pump, the backpack version. Any extra milk can be stored in the freezer for when you start to train the baby to take the bottle. I would suggest that by 6-9 months you should try to train the baby to take the bottle so you don’t feel trapped, like you can’t be away from the baby for an extended period of time because baby needs to eat.
Back pack version is very handy, compact and practical. Worth its weight in gold.

Milk storage bags. Never too early to stockpile breast milk. Make room in your freezer for it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I was struck by LLJsmom's post in the other thread. I could not agree more with everything she wrote! Her suggestions about how to get Dad involved are spot on. The strongest predictor of postpartum depression and marital discord is men's unwillingness to step up and do their fair share of childcare and related domestic tasks in the days and weeks after the kids are born... or anytime, really. Fathers typically only do about 30% of the childcare and domestic tasks, even when the mother also works full-time outside the home. The mother's dashed expectations -- or lack of knowledge about the realities of life with a newborn and young kids -- is another very strong predictor of post-partum depression and even divorce. So talking about these things now and setting the expectations early on is so important!

If you can locate some resources to wake your partner up to the reality... and you! .. it will be very helpful for you both. He need to know how much work he is going to need to do. Caring for a newborn largely falls on the mother and it is a 24/7 job. Many newborns want to feed every 45 minuets around the clock! As you can imagine, that is exhausting. So he needs to know that you will need all his attention care and support in those early weeks and months (and after, too, of course, but you have to start somewhere). In our family, in the early months, I looked after baby and Dad did everything else! Cooking, cleaning, and all the rest. And he looked after baby while I rested or showered. We both worked around the clock and we survived together.... except at night. He slept and I did the night shift. He is still paying me back for all that additional labour

But yanno... have fun The world prepares you for the joys of motherhood. It doesn't prepare you for the difficulties. I think its important to talk about them! It makes the long dark nights easier to know you aren't alone and things do get better over time!

Love, a mom of two boys (ages 8 and 10).

 

[Dreamer_D]

And so I don't seem like a total wet blanket, I'll say that sitting in a dark room at night when it is totally quiet and nursing my babies was one of the sweetest experiences of my life. And the joys of co-parenting have brought my husband and I very close together as a team. I cannot tell you how many times we came through an exhausting situation and then high fived each other for surviving and laughing together as the true team that we are. This is an opportunity to grow and learn together. And it is really special.

 

[LLJsmom]

And so I don't seem like a total wet blanket, I'll say that sitting in a dark room at night when it is totally quiet and nursing my babies was one of the sweetest experiences of my life. And the joys of co-parenting have brought my husband and I very close together as a team. I cannot tell you how many times we came through an exhausting situation and then high fived each other for surviving and laughing together as the true team that we are. This is an opportunity to grow and learn together. And it is really special.

@dreamer_dachsie I’m so happy that you had a wonderful experience in those middle of the night feedings. That is the best news. I on the other hand during those 2-3 am feedings, had full on panic attacks. I thought it would never end. That is when the baby stopped nursing I would get up, shake my husband out of his stupor and insist that he burp and change and put my son to sleep. My boobs were sore and I was so exhausted and I had to get an hour or two of sleep before I had to get up and pump to increase my production.
@joelly everyone’s experience is different. I hope the very best for you and your husband. Btw, mine survived. 16 and 13 now. THe first year of my first born was a complete nightmare. I thought there was no way I would ever have another. And then just as my son hit one, was more responsive, more a little person my mind completely changed. I immediately wanted a second. My experience with my second was much better mostly because I was more prepared in every way. I knew what I could expect. And my second was a sleeper. My first slept 2.5-3 Horus in a stretch max through his 6-7 month. My second slept through the night after 8 weeks. So you never can tell for sure.

 

[joelly]

@LLJsmom , @Bonfire , @dreamer_dachsie , thank you so much for all this.

Baby is now 8 lbs inside my tummy. She was measured last week by my OB. She’s so big causing me unable to move around easily.

We have some diapers size 1 and 2. Are these good for now?

 

[LLJsmom]

@LLJsmom , @Bonfire , @dreamer_dachsie , thank you so much for all this.

Baby is now 8 lbs inside my tummy. She was measured last week by my OB. She’s so big causing me unable to move around easily.

We have some diapers size 1 and 2. Are these good for now?

Yes that should be good for now. You’ll have to see how those poopies go.

 

[Weeivy73]

Hi joelly,

I think this is a fantastic idea for a thread for you.

The way early motherhood is portrayed in TV adverts, magazines and now on social media is usually far from the reality of what life is like with a newborn and can be really damaging psychologically to a new parent, especially mum as you can feel like your not doing it right and alot of extra pressure goes on. There was no social media when I had my boys, but my advice would be to limit yourself and just stick to contacting friends and family who will support your emotions in a positive way, just for a bit.

The baby blues can happen around 3 days post partum, it's just hormonal and usually will subside, don't be hard on yourself if you feel a bit teary and not coping. I believe it's just all the pregnancy hormones leaving your body and it's a big shift quickly. Soooo much is happening in your body and I look back on myself at this time and would just allow myself some self love and care to move through this stage easier.

If you're having a c section it can sometimes be a little longer before your milk comes in, if you decide to breastfeed don't panic if it doesn't come naturally and please don't feel like you aren't a good mum if you can't.

Please be honest with hubby about what you are experiencing! Don't hide pain and inadequate feelings from him. It will just build up and fester and not do any of you any good. If people ask what they can do, ask them to make meals that can freeze easily, it's always nice in the early days to not have to cook.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, especially when they start sleeping for longer periods. I did some sleep training with my babies and it's hard at the time, but it can help get you into some sort of routine, sleep deprivation is a form of torture, so don't feel guilty for napping.

You will be completely changed forever, you will love this little bubba like you've never known love before.

Please just take care of yourself emotionally as well as physically. It's a huge shift in your life and I feel like this is something that is often overlooked.

 

[joelly]

This is baby girl ultrasound picture. At 38 weeks.

She kicks and kicks and kicks. Makes me nauseous.

 

[Dreamer_D]

@dreamer_dachsie I’m so happy that you had a wonderful experience in those middle of the night feedings. That is the best news. I on the other hand during those 2-3 am feedings, had full on panic attacks. I thought it would never end. That is when the baby stopped nursing I would get up, shake my husband out of his stupor and insist that he burp and change and put my son to sleep. My boobs were sore and I was so exhausted and I had to get an hour or two of sleep before I had to get up and pump to increase my production.

I mean, I was describing one or two moments when the kids were 7-8 months and BFing was easy. Early on it was a f-ing nightmare of sleep deprivation and hallucination. With my first my milk took 7 days to come in and I had to pump every hour around the clock for two days to get it started. With my second he would not sleep anywhere by on my chest and so I did that for the first 4 weeks to avoid sleep-deprivation-inducted mental breakdown, but when I'd had enough I sat in a chair nursing and trying to put him down, then nursing then trying to put him down for like... 5 days? It worked in the end. But I burned that nursing chair in my yard the moment it was retired from action.

As I said, DH is still making it up to me.

 

[joelly]

Hi joelly,

I think this is a fantastic idea for a thread for you.

The way early motherhood is portrayed in TV adverts, magazines and now on social media is usually far from the reality of what life is like with a newborn and can be really damaging psychologically to a new parent, especially mum as you can feel like your not doing it right and alot of extra pressure goes on. There was no social media when I had my boys, but my advice would be to limit yourself and just stick to contacting friends and family who will support your emotions in a positive way, just for a bit.

The baby blues can happen around 3 days post partum, it's just hormonal and usually will subside, don't be hard on yourself if you feel a bit teary and not coping. I believe it's just all the pregnancy hormones leaving your body and it's a big shift quickly. Soooo much is happening in your body and I look back on myself at this time and would just allow myself some self love and care to move through this stage easier.

If you're having a c section it can sometimes be a little longer before your milk comes in, if you decide to breastfeed don't panic if it doesn't come naturally and please don't feel like you aren't a good mum if you can't.

Please be honest with hubby about what you are experiencing! Don't hide pain and inadequate feelings from him. It will just build up and fester and not do any of you any good. If people ask what they can do, ask them to make meals that can freeze easily, it's always nice in the early days to not have to cook.

Sleep when the baby sleeps, especially when they start sleeping for longer periods. I did some sleep training with my babies and it's hard at the time, but it can help get you into some sort of routine, sleep deprivation is a form of torture, so don't feel guilty for napping.

You will be completely changed forever, you will love this little bubba like you've never known love before.

Please just take care of yourself emotionally as well as physically. It's a huge shift in your life and I feel like this is something that is often overlooked.

Thank you for this. This is actually huge for me since I’m on anti-anxiety since I found out I was pregnant. The first trimester was really tough that I begun to self-harm (aka not eating or drinking). The OB caught on to my behavior as she said I have the most unhappiest face in her waiting room. So she put me on anti-anxiety (I’ve never been on anti-anxiety meds before in my whole 42 yrs of existence). I got hyperemesis gravidarum which ran for the first 6 months, got me hospitalized and the symptoms eased up after the first half of the 7th month.

OB said to continue the meds since she said I’ll most likely to succumb to full postpartum depression if I don’t continue for at least a year after birth.

The physical and mental hardships of pregnancy are real. I’ll never see pregnant women the same ever again for now I know the hardship of having a baby grows inside of you.

 

[Ally T]

I had two c-sections only 19 month apart. Don’t be a hero & make sure you ask for help. Getting husband on board before you even go for the delivery is an absolute must. My husband was AMAZING & as a result, we are just a fabulous team. He was lucky to be able to have 3 weeks paternity leave on full pay both times (generous employers) so apart from breastfeeding, he did everything else pretty much.

Biggest piece of advice I had was from the elderly neighbour in my village, a mother of 5, who told me that I couldn’t be all things to all people. Who cares if you haven’t run the Hoover round & baked muffins for when you have visitors? The baby & YOU are all that matters in the first early weeks.

 

[LLJsmom]

I mean, I was describing one or two moments when the kids were 7-8 months and BFing was easy. Early on it was a f-ing nightmare of sleep deprivation and hallucination. With my first my milk took 7 days to come in and I had to pump every hour around the clock for two days to get it started. With my second he would not sleep anywhere by on my chest and so I did that for the first 4 weeks to avoid sleep-deprivation-inducted mental breakdown, but when I'd had enough I sat in a chair nursing and trying to put him down, then nursing then trying to put him down for like... 5 days? It worked in the end. But I burned that nursing chair in my yard the moment it was retired from action.

As I said, DH is still making it up to me.

War stories for real. Thanks for sharing!!
But I burned that nursing chair in my yard the moment it was retired from action.

 

[Miss Marple]

Read and take in all advice—even if you think there is not a chance in he** you would ever take the advice. Every family is different. How you and your DH cope is probably not exactly the same as anyone else.

Example: we were certain that we did not want to cosleep. 3 years later, the kid was finally sleeping in her own bed all night. Glad I didn’t just ignore information on cosleeping. . .

Also, the absolute best thing that I learned was to smile and nod at snide comments and judgment (often couched as well meaning advice) and continue to do what works for you and your family without guilt. This is the flip side to taking in information from a wide variety of sources and using what works for you.

At first I felt all sorts of guilt for not doing things the “right” way. Over time, I’ve learned that being matter of fact about my decisions and not defending or otherwise engaging in discussion beyond, “it works for us” is the best way keep people from commenting (at least to my face. Lol).

Btw, I’ve had some judgmental people apologize later when they realized that we were really doing what worked best for us (which was not what worked best for them).

 

[LLJsmom]

Thank you for this. This is actually huge for me since I’m on anti-anxiety since I found out I was pregnant. The first trimester was really tough that I begun to self-harm (aka not eating or drinking). The OB caught on to my behavior as she said I have the most unhappiest face in her waiting room. So she put me on anti-anxiety (I’ve never been on anti-anxiety meds before in my whole 42 yrs of existence). I got hyperemesis gravidarum which ran for the first 6 months, got me hospitalized and the symptoms eased up after the first half of the 7th month.

OB said to continue the meds since she said I’ll most likely to succumb to full postpartum depression if I don’t continue for at least a year after birth.

The physical and mental hardships of pregnancy are real. I’ll never see pregnant women the same ever again for now I know the hardship of having a baby grows inside of you.

I understand. I was angry and depressed while pregnant with #1. I kept eating to self medicate. I gained 54 pounds and my son was 6 pound s. My cholesterol was 289. I felt like an alien like from the actual original movie Alien had inhabited my body and was going to burst out of it like it did in the movie. Please do what you need to do to take care with yourself and cope. I think that once you get part of your body back it will get better. Send out an SOS by tagging someone here if you need to vent or have questions or whatever. And with nursing, don’t hesitate to get help from a lactation consultant if things are not going well. It helps just to have someone there.

 

[LLJsmom]

I didn’t mind the idea of co-sleeping but my DH was very against it. So we compromised. I handed him the screaming baby and let him get the baby used to sleeping in the crib, which was in a different room. Closed bedroom door. Passed out. DH after a couple of weeks helped baby sleep in other room, even if I had to get up every 1.5-2.5 hours to trudge over to the other room to nurse. In the end I am glad he did. Led to much easier and stress free sleep for us both.

 

[Weeivy73]

Thank you for this. This is actually huge for me since I’m on anti-anxiety since I found out I was pregnant. The first trimester was really tough that I begun to self-harm (aka not eating or drinking). The OB caught on to my behavior as she said I have the most unhappiest face in her waiting room. So she put me on anti-anxiety (I’ve never been on anti-anxiety meds before in my whole 42 yrs of existence). I got hyperemesis gravidarum which ran for the first 6 months, got me hospitalized and the symptoms eased up after the first half of the 7th month.

OB said to continue the meds since she said I’ll most likely to succumb to full postpartum depression if I don’t continue for at least a year after birth.

The physical and mental hardships of pregnancy are real. I’ll never see pregnant women the same ever again for now I know the hardship of having a baby grows inside of you.

I had terrible post natal depression which turned into psychosis. I'd always suffered from a bit of general anxiety but it wasn't really acknowledged as that. I had 3 near perfect textbook pregnancies and deliveries, but my mental well-being took a major dive each time and I was on meds for about 7 years straight.
I will just add for clarification that my children's dad is my ex husband and is a narcissist, so as soon as I had our first baby he just kind of 'flipped out on me' which was extreme and not normal!!! That is not what is happening to you for sure!!

Accept the meds are a help during this phase of things and accept any professional help you are entitled too to help you move through this phase as safety as possible.
I'm so sorry that you've had a difficult pregnancy, you've obviously got a huge amount of inner strength to be at this stage and I'm commending you highly on that.

 

[joelly]

I had terrible post natal depression which turned into psychosis. I'd always suffered from a bit of general anxiety but it wasn't really acknowledged as that. I had 3 near perfect textbook pregnancies and deliveries, but my mental well-being took a major dive each time and I was on meds for about 7 years straight.
I will just add for clarification that my children's dad is my ex husband and is a narcissist, so as soon as I had our first baby he just kind of 'flipped out on me' which was extreme and not normal!!! That is not what is happening to you for sure!!

Accept the meds are a help during this phase of things and accept any professional help you are entitled too to help you move through this phase as safety as possible.
I'm so sorry that you've had a difficult pregnancy, you've obviously got a huge amount of inner strength to be at this stage and I'm commending you highly on that.

I really appreciate you share your story with me. I am on meds and meeting psychiatrist every week. Without my Mom and hubby, I don’t think I can do this.

I’m so happy that pricescopers help me out a lot as well.

@LLJsmom I bought the stuff you recommended just now and I have the medela pump. Thank you for all the advice. I find them comforting.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Dear @joelly, I didn't see the other thread, but I just wanted to (maybe) ease your mind a little. I have my first child (daughter) vaginally and my next four boys by c-section. I prefer the c-section. The first time you do it, the hardest part was the epidural and then its smooth sailing. I realize that this is just my experience. My daughter has had two c sections and would agree. I prefer the incision pain over the hoo-ha pain. It does take a couple weeks to recover but you feel better with every day that passes, its not two weeks of agony. There are a few pluses to c-sections as well. Congratulations on your new little one and my thoughts and prayers will be with you on Friday.

 

[Gussie]

Best advice I got was from my mom. She said to stop reading so many books and stuff on the internet. If you know too much you will make yourself crazy.

You are going to be a great mom!

ETA I don't mean this thread! This is all great advice!! These ladies on ps are the best!!!

 

[Bonfire]

If you don’t have one of these already, get one! They are wonderful for supporting baby while you are feeding and to protect your incision and support your arms while holding baby. A must have!

 

[Gussie]

If you don’t have one of these already, get one! They are wonderful for supporting baby while you feed and to protect your incision and support your arms while holding baby. A must have!

And get an extra cover or two!! Spit happens!

 

[monarch64]

Make sure to read the threads in Family, Home, & Health! A lot of us participated in those threads when we were pregnant, trying to conceive, and after we had our children. There is a wealth of information on all of them.

Ok, things no one tells you:

Padsicles--soak maxi pads in witch hazel and freeze them. If you deliver vaginally these are LIFESAVERS for pain.
First poop--not the baby's, YOURS. Keep Colace/Miralax on hand and drink tons of water. The first time you poop after delivery is scary AF. I had minimal tearing but a few stitches and I was so freaked out a out popping those stitches. I was also extremely constipated and those first couple weeks were not easy as far as going to the bathroom.
Breastfeeding--just expect your nipples to bleed, crack, and turn weird colors. When you shower it will hurt. When you nurse, it will hurt. When you pump, it will hurt.
If your supply is low, take fenugreek and have your doctor get you a domperidone RX (it's a compound and has to be made at the pharmacy--just have them call it in as soon as you deliver so you have the option anytime you need it.)
LIMIT VISITORS the first few weeks. Make a sign for your door that says not to ring the bell. We had so many visitors in and out. I felt like I had to play hostess when all I wanted to do was bond with my child and nurse around the clock. Instead, people would come and hold her for hours and I would be needing to nurse--she'd just sleep while they held her and people for some reason do not know to just stay for a few minutes and then leave. Honestly aside from family help, I would say zero visitors until 2-3 weeks old.
Don't lift a finger. You have done all the work already and will continue to bear most of the responsibility of parenting from now on. Either hire a cleaning person or lay down the law and make your husband do the chores, including making meals or ordering food. With all the delivery services available and Amazon Prime and Instacart these days it should not be hard for husband to run household for a couple months. Don't vacuum because visitors are coming. Don't worry about piles of laundry sitting around unfolded. Don't worry about the messy kitchen. If anyone judges you for not having a perfectly clean home after you've just had a baby, tell them to judge your husband because that shit is HIS domain now.

 

[qubitasaurus]

If you can find an organization like le leche league near you then they can help immensely. Breastfeeding and in general the many many hours of sleep deprivation that come from wandering up and down the hallway of your house at 3 am with a new born baby can be extremely lonely. It is especially bad if everyone else is asleep (but it actually doesnt get any better when both of you to be at the end of your rope from servere sleep deprivation either. So it becomes a bit of a stuck between a rock and a hard place kind of issue.). And most of the stuff you used to do to break up a bad mood simultaneously becomes completely impossible or unrealistic with a small baby.

If there is an organization near you running mum-to-mum meetups then this can be really helpful. It breaks the feeling of isolation and lets you see how others are coping. It also gets you tips and tricks like putting your baby in a broad based washing basket padded with towels facing the shower so that you can brush your teeth and clean yourself up while continuing to watch it. And it also gives you some kind of way to break up your day, and realize that you are not alone and really you are not doing anything wrong (yes everybody else breathes a sigh of relief when their baby finally poops and stops crying, and no everyone elses baby did not magically start sleeping through the night at 9 months so it is not abnormal that you are still only getting 2 hours sleep and then getting up to feed again (no matter what the info-glyphs say). The list goes on. I think most babies are roughly the same, we're just not prepared for how life changing they are. This holds true for both the good and the bad parts of being a parent.)

 

[joelly]

I’m so blessed to have found such caring and warm community here.

@Gussie , @Bonfire , I have the boppy and 2 extra cover. Thank you for the recommendation.

@luv2sparkle I’m so relieved at reading your experience with c section. It’s scarier not knowing.

 

[Austina]

I’d just like to add, if you can’t or don’t want to breastfeed, don’t feel guilty!

My son is a strapping, extremely healthy 36 year old. Never had any serious illnesses, and was bottle fed.

Being a parent is on the job training, every baby is different.