...but you just have to have kids!

[Amys Bling]

My FI and I are getting married in less than 50 days and one of the first things everyone asks is: are you going to be having kids soon? FI and I are entertaining the idea of NOT having kids and when we say that we always hear "but you have to have kids" "then why get married?" "you will make wonderful parents". For those of you that have decided not to have children what was your reason? How did you handle the inquiries? How did you handle the "desperate to be grandparents" in-laws??

 

[MonkeyPie]

My FI and I are getting married in less than 50 days and one of the first things everyone asks is: are you going to be having kids soon? FI and I are entertaining the idea of NOT having kids and when we say that we always hear "but you have to have kids" "then why get married?" "you will make wonderful parents". For those of you that have decided not to have children what was your reason? How did you handle the inquiries? How did you handle the "desperate to be grandparents" in-laws??

Gahhh. I hated this, though I DID want kids. It was so rude, and they always just assume that you will be making babies. Arg. I just let them talk - it's not really anyone's business but your own, and they are just showing excitement for you in their own way.

 

[kenny]

Today everyone talks about being green and how to lower our carbon footprint.
Having no kids is about the greenest thing you can do, short of suicide.

Think about it.
With no kids your carbon footprint stops at the grave.

With kids your carbon footprint continues walks the planet, probably forever.
Some of your descendants may have lots of kids who have lots of kids, who have lots of kids, who have lots of kids . . .
Exponential growth over a long time is good for 401Ks but not for the planet population.

You may be responsible for eventually adding thousands perhaps millions of SUV-owning footprints to the earth.

 

[Amys Bling]

Today everyone talks about being green and how to lower our carbon footprint.
Having no kids is about the greenest thing you can do, short of suicide.

Think about it.
With no kids your carbon footprint stops at the grave.

With kids your carbon footprint continues walks the planet, probably forever.
Some of your descendants may have lots of kids who have lots of kids, who have lots of kids, who have lots of kids . . .
Exponential growth over a long time is good for 401Ks but not for the planet population.

You may be responsible for eventually adding thousands perhaps millions of SUV-owning footprints to the earth.

love your response! I can only image someone's face when I say to them... "oh, we have decided to go green!" lol

 

[yennyfire]

While I wouldn't go with Kenny's response (albeit true), I would simply say that it's a private matter between you and DH and you want to enjoy some time together as a married couple before you consider expanding your family. Short, succinct and to the point.

 

[HollyS]

"but you have to have kids"



Uh, says who? I don't have them. I'm too old now, ancient Hollywood baby mommas notwithstanding, but I would think very seriously before bringing a child into the world now. Very seriously.

But, no, you don't HAVE to have kids. Now or later. And never let yourself feel pressured enough to do something you don't want to do, or are unsure of doing. Stand firm.

 

[sctsbride09]

Dear god, that was the WORST part after getting married. The nonstop questions about babies. When DH and I were first married, it was crazy how many people asked us that (in laws especially) as if my getting married makes my uterus anyones business...Anywhoo, I found that when people asked that, the best response was either a nonresponse or a "DH and I only discuss private matters with each other" or something to that effect usually shuts people up. Now (almost 3 years in) people finally got the hint that we are not up for discussion on issues that are *private*. As far as the in laws..tell them you and DH are having too much fun *practicing* (they outta get the meaning) to worry about actually having one. I told my MIL that, and she has never asked me again.

 

[Kismet]

I've used: "I'm too young" (or sometimes "I'm too old") and "I can't, so thanks for bringing up that painful subject."

Things I've wished I've said but didn't: "Oh, you want grandchildren? We'll get right to work on that. Excuse me *grabs husband and walks away*"

 

[rhbgirl24]

We're still on the post about kids leaning more towards no, and our family knows this. However when we were engaged and wedding planning it was the number one question... we were together 12 years before marriage, now we would just like to be married and enjoy that before contemplating another big life decision, you know? I told them straight out we may not decide to have kids and then really wouldn't address any details and they eventually shut up.

 

[MustangGal]

My response was "we'll think about it later". That seemed to work, until we got to "later". After our 5 year anniversary the in-laws were getting antsy, but we still said "not yet". We were married 7 years before popping out a baby, and I gotta tell you, the "when are you having #2" questions are even worse than the "when are you having kids" ones! BTW, we're not having another, and the arguements we get when we say that are so bad that we've started to just respond with "maybe next year" instead.

 

[lliang_chi]

"How is this ANY of your business?" That shuts people up pretty quickly.

 

[kenny]

Tell em you and your hubbie are pedophiles.

That'll shut em up.

 

[TravelingGal]

This is just one of those normal life step questions that people ask. Right there with "Are you going to college?" "When are you getting married?" "Are you going to have a second child?" "Are you done having kids?" "Where is your child going to college?"

Some people are making small talk and don't really care what you do. Other people really are taken aback when you choose to do something different from what they've done, thereby invalidating their choices. Neither really deserve a serious response, other than a polite, "No, we're not having kids." If they persist, just keeping saying "We're not having kids." Hard to overcome a simple "no."

The desperate grandparent thing is harder to navigate. I can honestly say as a mother now to a mere 3 year old, I know I want a grandchild! It's reward for all the blood, sweat and tears of raising your own, and it's also a fun way to go, HA, Karma's a bitch kid, have fun raising your own! But when you have a child, there are some things you understand so much more clearly about your own parents, and you think it might be nice for your own kids to come to those realizations some day.

So for some parents, become grandparents is a dream, and only their children hold the key to making it come true. They may also believe their lives were so enriched by YOU, they want you to experience the goodness because they love you so much. And then for some, it's just what you DO...go through life and tick the boxes. Any which way, it probably takes more of a heart to heart when the decision is set in stone to let them know it's not going to happen. And it will probably cause sadness, but not much you can do about it.

As someone who was on the fence, I am happy I had one. But I'm happy to have only ONE. It's a lot of work, and I'm not the most mommy-like person. A lot of it is really a chore. I could have been happy having none, I think. I was a pretty cool and happy person before I became a mom. Being a mom just added another facet to my sparkle, but no one really knows that but me.

 

[Haven]

DH and I started out being polite in response to these kinds of rude remarks. We'd say things like "Oh, yes, we'll have them when we're ready" and smiled until they stopped asking.

However, something has happened over the last year and we've just lost our patience, apparently.
Most recently a friend of DH's father said "Oh, my! You're 30? And your husband is 41? *tut tut* You really should start trying to have children." My response: "Why?" I couldn't help it.

I've also started telling people that DH doesn't want to have children because he doesn't want to contribute to our planet's unsustainable population.

What I really want to say is "It's none of your damn business when or if I have children, and I'll thank you to mind it from now on." But I haven't gotten there . . . yet.

ETA: TGal, I completely understand what you're saying, and I don't have a problem with any of our parents asking us about our plans. It's the relative strangers that really irritate me. I feel like once I hit 30 it became a free-for-all for practical strangers to unabashedly ask me very personal questions.

 

[kenny]

Other people really are taken aback when you choose to do something different from what they've done, thereby invalidating their choices.

. . . not if people respected diversity.

Are you like me? . . . good.
Are you not like me? . . . bad.

Oye.

 

[Dreamer_D]

TGal, that is hilarious you want grandkids already, but don't want more of your own kids. You see the irony right?

Amy Any time you choose a non-normative path in life there are explanations to make (I mean statistically normative)! People get really confused when their expectations are confounded it seems. Hopefully you can come up with a reply that works for you.

 

[lliang_chi]

For funny responses:

"When are you having kids?"
"I dunno, maybe for breakfast tomorrow."

 

[TravelingGal]

TGal, that is hilarious you want grandkids already, but don't want more of your own kids. You see the irony right?

Amy Any time you choose a non-normative path in life there are explanations to make (I mean statistically normative)! People get really confused when their expectations are confounded it seems. Hopefully you can come up with a reply that works for you.

No irony...I don't want to take care of any more of my own and I want the one I have to understand my suffering!!

 

[MonkeyPie]

When I was about 22, my aunt asked my mom if she was ever going to get any grandchildren. (My brother is 6 years older than me, no children.) My mom kind of laughed and said, "I guess not!" but she wasn't terribly fussed about it. When my aunt gave me The Eye, I said I had a fear of birth defects since I was a heavy drug user. The look on her face was SO worth.

Also... *rolls eyes at "respecting diversity"* Let it GO.

 

[MonkeyPie]

TGal, that is hilarious you want grandkids already, but don't want more of your own kids. You see the irony right?

No irony...I don't want to take care of any more of my own and I want the one I have to understand my suffering!!

I'm looking forward to being a grandma, because at the end of the day (after you stuff the kids full of sugar and insanity), they go HOME. Haha!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Other people really are taken aback when you choose to do something different from what they've done, thereby invalidating their choices.

. . . not if people respected diversity.

Are you like me? . . . good.
Are you not like me? . . . bad.

Oye.

It is more than simply respecting diversity, Kenny, or others' choices invalidating our own (though those are part of it).

There is a deep psychological need for predictability and consistency that can be hard to shake. Scripts for life and what happens sequentially accross the lifespan, and for relationships and basically everything we do, are really fundamental to how our brains function. It is actually very uncomfortable and confusing to people when their scripts are contradicted. We need scripts to free up brain space for important things like diamond knowledge and coping with novelty. So I don't think at its core that the question or the resulting confusion to a non-normative answer is a bad thing in and of itself, it just reflects the reality of how our minds work. I get similar reactions when I tell people I am a professor, for example, because I am a young woman and they expect professors to be 50 year old men.

On the other hand, people tend to become more attached to scripts and thus more uncomfortable with deviance from their scripts when they are fearful, anxious, or don't have the mental capacity to adjust to the novelty of a deviation from expectations So your conclusion is correct about people who are extremely attached to life scripts. But I don't think it is fair to characterize as intolerant anyone who happens to ask a question about a life choice and then look suprised at an answer that contradicts cultural scripts, because to do so is to damn them for having a normally functioning brain. Dumb-ass follow up questions though, are free game for castigation though.

 

[Dreamer_D]

TGal, that is hilarious you want grandkids already, but don't want more of your own kids. You see the irony right?

Amy Any time you choose a non-normative path in life there are explanations to make (I mean statistically normative)! People get really confused when their expectations are confounded it seems. Hopefully you can come up with a reply that works for you.

No irony...I don't want to take care of any more of my own and I want the one I have to understand my suffering!!

I think the irony is that she might not have any at all, for the same reasons you stopped at one .

 

[TravelingGal]

She may not have one because I'm not going to ever let a boy near her.

You can't have none for the same reasons I stopped at one...because you don't really know (i.e. experience the reasons) at NONE. You KNOW at ONE.

 

[janinegirly]

Other people really are taken aback when you choose to do something different from what they've done, thereby invalidating their choices.

. . . not if people respected diversity.

Are you like me? . . . good.
Are you not like me? . . . bad.

Oye.

It is more than simply respecting diversity, Kenny, or others' choices invalidating our own (though those are part of it).


There is a deep psychological need for predictability and consistency that can be hard to shake. Scripts for life and what happens sequentially accross the lifespan, and for relationships and basically everything we do, are really fundamental to how our brains function. It is actually very uncomfortable and confusing to people when their scripts are contradicted. We need scripts to free up brain space for important things like diamond knowledge and coping with novelty. So I don't think at its core that the question or the resulting confusion to a non-normative answer is a bad thing in and of itself, it just reflects the reality of how our minds work. I get similar reactions when I tell people I am a professor, for example, because I am a young woman and they expect professors to be 50 year old men.

On the other hand, people tend to become more attached to scripts and thus more uncomfortable with deviance from their scripts when they are fearful, anxious, or don't have the mental capacity to adjust to the novelty of a deviation from expectations So your conclusion is correct about people who are extremely attached to life scripts. But I don't think it is fair to characterize as intolerant anyone who happens to ask a question about a life choice and then look suprised at an answer that contradicts cultural scripts, because to do so is to damn them for having a normally functioning brain. Dumb-ass follow up questions though, are free game for castigation though.

100% agree with the bold.

 

[Dancing Fire]

My FI and I are getting married in less than 50 days and one of the first things everyone asks is: are you going to be having kids soon? FI and I are entertaining the idea of NOT having kids and when we say that we always hear "but you have to have kids" "then why get married?" "you will make wonderful parents". For those of you that have decided not to have children what was your reason? How did you handle the inquiries? How did you handle the "desperate to be grandparents" in-laws??

Amy...you should have at least 4 kids. i wanna see you suffer through their teenage years... i have two PITB daughters and i love them both dearly.

 

[elrohwen]

We do intend to have a kid ... someday ... but I get these questions a lot. Recently it's been coming from my realtor, of all people. She keeps swearing we can't say we won't have kids, or will only have one, etc. Uh, if I want to have only one kid, I think I'm allowed to do that.

We got married at 25 and I told people we'd have kids in "10 years" just to stop the questions. Now that we're a few years older, I've taken it down to 5-7 years. Honestly, I don't know if we'll ever get there

Oh, and then I have MIL telling me if I have one I have to have two (and two is just as much work as one). I can't even imagine having one right now, so let's hold off on talk of more, ok?

 

[iheartscience]

My FI and I are getting married in less than 50 days and one of the first things everyone asks is: are you going to be having kids soon? FI and I are entertaining the idea of NOT having kids and when we say that we always hear "but you have to have kids" "then why get married?" "you will make wonderful parents". For those of you that have decided not to have children what was your reason? How did you handle the inquiries? How did you handle the "desperate to be grandparents" in-laws??

Amy...you should have at least 4 kids. i wanna see you suffer through their teenage years... i have two PITB daughters and i love them both dearly.

Awwww I knew you were a big softy, DF!

People don't ask me about having kids for some reason. I'm 29 and my husband is 32 and we've been together for about 8 years. I'm not very conventional and I don't think anyone would be surprised if we never had kids. Maybe that's why they don't ask?

If people did ask I'd probably just be honest and tell them I don't know if I want any. And if they kept harassing me about it I'd tell them to shut it. I can be mean when I need to be.

 

[Laila619]

For funny responses:

"When are you having kids?"
"I dunno, maybe for breakfast tomorrow."

Hee hee!

This is such an annoying and rude question!

Tell them that studies have shown that people without kids are generally happier than people with kids.

 

[Aoife]

One of our daughters has never wanted children, and gets asked this all the time, especially since her husband is quite a bit older than she is. She's usually very direct: We're not having children, my DH already has children from another marriage, and I've never wanted them, I'd rather adopt more shelter animals. If the person persists (and there are a couple of members of the extended family who can't. leave. it. alone.) then she smiles vaguely and wanders away. She does "vague" very well.

 

[Pandora II]

Ditto all of TGal's posts

For years we both said - and 99% meant - that we weren't having children. Then about 5 months before we got married DH got baby fever and that was that. We didn't start trying till after the wedding and I was PG 3 weeks later.

I think because I was 36 people were wary about asking in case we had problems. Those that did just said it in a conversational way and by the time I'd talked for 5 minutes on the subject and all the pros and cons they probably wished they hadn't asked!

I do get asked if we are having a second though and people seem taken aback when I say no. I do admit that I would be very sad if Daisy doesn't provide me with the graduation/wedding/grand-children but I'd get over it and at the end of the day it is her life. It is one of the things that makes me wonder if I shouldn't have another eventually.

Having a child has enriched our lives in ways that we had never thought possible and I am so, so glad we made the decision we did. We are definitely happier for having her and we thought we were pretty deliriously happy to start with!