Bullying....

[ame]

Good luck!!! And a thank you on your daughters behalf for nipping it in the bud right now. No one deserves to be bullied.

 

[Puppmom]

Best of luck, Mayk. I think you did the right thing and I hope it yields the results you're looking for. Whatever the response is from the parent/school administration, make it a point to be involved in the solution. Do NOT let them tell you how it's going to be. I would try to be part of the conversations school has with your daughter. We had a situation recently that did come to pass (thank goodness!) so I'll share. During this time, I was so sad for DD.

A girl at school who DD didn't even know began to bully her early last school year. She would mock everything DD said in class (loudly repeating everthing DD said) and would harrass her in the halls (but only when she was with her friends) by intentionally brushing up against her roughly and calling her names. She would also say things loudly about DD on the bus home from school. It took everything in me to not wait for that girl at her bus stop and let her know the consequences of messing with my daughter!

While DD was pretty confident that the teacher of the class she shared with this girl and the bus driver knew, they did nothing.

I, like you, was trying to figure out WHAT to do without subjecting my daughter to continued bullying. In the meantime, I got a call from DD at school (she was a Junior at the time) who said that this *young lady* SPIT on her. DD reacted by pushing the girl who fell to the ground obviously embarrassed. I immediately picked DD up at school and contacted the Principal/Counselor. While they responded promptly, they did not involve me in the solution. The next day, I got a call from DD crying because the Principal told her she had to participate in mediation with this girl. I contacted him to let him know that mediation was NOT happening and the message to this other child is to LEAVE DD ALONE. End of story. The bullying stopped. To be honest, I think it was more the result of DD fighting back than the minimal administrative intervention.

After the fact, I googled this girl out of curiosity. Turns out she participates in National Pageants and holds a very high title. So much for Mrs. Congenialty....

 

[04diamond<3]

OK.. a letter to the Dean who responded by 8:00 a.m. this morning...

and a letter to the mother because I couldn't find a telephone number.. with a copy to the dean so he knew what was said...

I'll let you know what happens...

No bat this time... I'll save it for next time!

I'm not a parent, but I think it's because God knows I would be walking around with a bat or something ready to smash anyone who made fun of my kids! I got made fun of too as a child because I came to the US when I was 4 and didn't know english. But hey, time goes on and you aren't going to be that age forever.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your child MayK! My mom worked at a school for disabled children and I would go to work with her on my days off from school and it was hard to see children and even adults that couldn't feed themselves. It really takes an ingnorant person from down you know where to make fun of a child with scoliosis!

PS - I will hold you to the bolded statement! Next time, I want to see pictures of your work (jk...mostly)...

 

[Dancing Fire]

No bat this time... I'll save it for next time!

work better than a bat...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bv9uFxYhp3c

 

[Laila619]

Oh, tough situation. I know what it's like being bullied in middle school. I wasn't popular in middle school, and one mean girl teased me about my dead mother and told me that I didn't deserve to have a mother because she wouldn't love me anyway because I was fat and ugly. Kids are really horrible sometimes.

cygnet, this is so cruel. Ugh, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. HUGS

 

[Laila619]

Mayk, I'm sorry your poor daughter has to deal with this stupid bully. If it's any consolation to her, you can tell her that the bullies usually end up as losers later on in life, and the ones who were bullied are now the successful, happy ones.

Ame, so sorry for your horrible experience too. What is wrong with people?!

 

[Mayk]

Good news... The mom called. She was more than upset. Thanked me for telling her and told me this would not happen again! I'm so relieved! You guys rock! Thank you for sharing, listening and suggesting!! I needed your help to get this one right!

Ame... Hugs! Hugs! Hugs!

 

[Enerchi]

FANTASTIC!!! I'm so glad that the mother was unaware and that the bullying behaviour wasn't learned at home. Whew! This should make things a bit better much faster, now that her mom is aware and on your/DD's side!

Ah - that's a great update. I'm so happy you did all that letter writing and took action --- KUDO's!!!

 

[ame]

WOW, so glad to read that update.

 

[mary poppins]

Great job, Mama Mayk!

 

[KaeKae]

Great job, mom!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Good news... The mom called. She was more than upset. Thanked me for telling her and told me this would not happen again! I'm so relieved! You guys rock! Thank you for sharing, listening and suggesting!! I needed your help to get this one right!

Ame... Hugs! Hugs! Hugs!

Wow!!! A decent parent!!! (I meant the other girl's mother! You, of course, are a great parent!)

I am terribly sorry about this but it is looking better already! I will tell you as a mother and teacher at all levels, bullying happens and I will not tolerate it. My son was bullied terribly but did not tell us until years later. It breaks my heart because he NEEDED to be removed from that high school. But he knew that to tell on them would result in more harm to himself. Our youngest child did not go through that school system because I wasn't going to take the chance.

I think this situation may be resolved since there is apparently a decent parent on the other end. But I tell people, if your child is depressed about going to school due to peer conflict involving bullying, then take them out of there.

 

[Skippy123]

aw, I am so glad to read this. Good job momma! hugs to you both!!

 

[distracts]

After the fact, I googled this girl out of curiosity. Turns out she participates in National Pageants and holds a very high title. So much for Mrs. Congenialty....

Did you contact the pageant committee about it? I would have.

 

[Enerchi]

After the fact, I googled this girl out of curiosity. Turns out she participates in National Pageants and holds a very high title. So much for Mrs. Congenialty....

Did you contact the pageant committee about it? I would have.

Good point! Distracts, I think that is a good idea. I think that is something to consider - do you do it now, while mom is trying to deal with this, or do you wait and see what happens? Hmmm.... interesting.

 

[Mayk]

So this thing got bigger last night when a second girl came forward.. confessed she was with the first girl.. both parents called me...

Both girls in the dean's office this morning confessing and apologizing... not to DD yet.. she's home sick today .. but tomorrow hopefully..

Scary how big and quick these kids can get sucked in to making a bad decision... This second girl.. first time she has ever been in trouble....athlete..good kid. Her mom called me in tears and put her on the phone and she was crying on the phone and said she was so sorry. She didn't have to confess I didn't know she was part of it. I told her she did the right thing, the tough thing coming forward. Wow... what a mess. Hope for now it will be over.

 

[SB621]

I would contact the mother and the school. I thought it was illegal to do this and schools take internet/ text bullying very seriously. I don't think it will have a negative reprecussion on yoru DD. If anything I think the bully will feel she got away with it adn she might lay low for awhile but ultimatley she will test her boundaries again with your DD.

 

[SB621]

So this thing got bigger last night when a second girl came forward.. confessed she was with the first girl.. both parents called me...

Both girls in the dean's office this morning confessing and apologizing... not to DD yet.. she's home sick today .. but tomorrow hopefully..

Scary how big and quick these kids can get sucked in to making a bad decision... This second girl.. first time she has ever been in trouble....athlete..good kid. Her mom called me in tears and put her on the phone and she was crying on the phone and said she was so sorry. She didn't have to confess I didn't know she was part of it. I told her she did the right thing, the tough thing coming forward. Wow... what a mess. Hope for now it will be over.

Ok I guess I should have read this all the way through before my first comment.

First I'm so glad this got taken care of...or is getting taken care of. I hope your DD gets through the next 6 months of school and blossoms in HS. I'm also happy the parents of the bullies are really taking action on this. If this were to ever happen to me and I found out my child was the bully - I would be devasted. It would probably be one of the few things in the world my children could do to disappoint me. Their @ss would be fine for a long time after that.

 

[iLander]

Oh thank the lord!

I didn't want to have to come up there with my big ol' can of whup-ass!

I actually have one, too. Here's the story; when I was in sixth grade, I walked into Biology and the teacher was out of the room. Everyone was sitting at tables, arranged in a U shape. I noticed something strange on the other side of the room. A girl was crying, and it appeared that the two girls sitting on either side of her were upsetting her. I didn't know any of these girls, but I was flaming mad. I marched across the room, and went right up to the meanest girl and started chewing her out. I said "What are you doing? Are you making her cry? Why the hell are you making her cry? Is there something wrong with you? What is wrong with you? You don't make people cry! Who the hell do you think you are? Do you think you're so special . . . " I went on from there, getting increasingly louder, and in her face. I was soooooo pissed. I rarely get mad, but I tend to lose it when I'm pissed. I culminated with "If you do that again, I am going to Kick. Your. Ass!" Then I marched back to my side of the room. Everybody was pretty quiet at that point, and the teacher remarked on how good we all were when she finally came back a couple of minutes later.

The reason I know this story so well is because the "victim" quickly became my BFF, and 35+ years later, she still tells it.

The mean girls never bothered her again.

Hug your DD to for me, and tell her all of us at PS are totally thrilled with the result.

 

[Natylad]

This is what you do; you call the mother and you MUST dominate the conversation. If you do not, all is lost. You are not the meek and sweet mom, you are the person in the right and it is the other mom's RESPONSIBILITY to fix it, and your job is to make sure she does. Let's call the mean girl Tia.

You call "I'm afraid you daughter, Tia, has put your family in a very compromising position."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm afraid she has been bullying my daughter, name, and I will have to report her to the school district. If her bad behavior continues, we will have to enlist my uncle, the lawyer (blatant lie- you use a relative/lawyer because it implies it won't cost you anything), to file a harassment suit. I wish Tia hadn't done this, for your sake, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to talk (name the principal) tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know the situation. I'm sorry, that's my other line, I'll have to get back to you." and hang up. Your tone is even and steady throughout, you are informing them of a fact, and that's it.

See what you did? You put the mean girl in the position of being the bad guy, someone who has brought trouble onto her household, you've threatened a lawsuit, and you've cut off the conversation so there is no time for bullshit. The apple doesn't fall from the tree, and bullies beget bullies, that's the truth of it. You need to be ready.

Then you go to school the next day and you are the nicest person in the world to the teachers, but firm. No one EVER gets anything done without a deadline (at least in my experience). You explain the situation, and say that you will meet with them again in a week's time, to see how they have resolved the situation. You ask them what the district's policies are, and you take notes. That implies that you will be checking up on them. The pressure you are putting on the teachers is subtle, but you must make it obvious that you mean business, or they will just have a chat with the other parents and that'll be it. And do NOT meet with the other parents. You need to be that scary lady on the phone, not the compromising nice lady they met at school.

Then tell your daughter to keep a diary of any contact with the mean girl or any of her friends. Day, date and time for every cross-eyed look, mean remark, anything. This is called evidence, and any parent worth their salt knows that it is. If your daughter can let it be known she is keeping a record "for the lawsuit", that girl will run for the hills. Plus, I never make a threat I don't intend to keep, and I would file a harassment suit if necessary. It wouldn't get far, the first lawyer letter would do it, but I would be ready. Nip this in the bud, or it will follow her to high school.

+1...I Lander is so right. I am a lawyer myself and i handled the situation almost in the exact same way when my DD got bullied by another girl at school at the age of 11.The good thing about DD's school is that it is a very strict private school that takes no $hit and will make everything possible to solve such an issue, even if that means expelling the bullier.
And may i say that both my brother and i were bullied at school too (he's 45 years old and i'm 39...This problem will never be eliminated and i'm sure that the children of our children will also have to deal with such prtoblems more or less). My brother was bullied because he was wearing those huge glasses with thick lenses (big problem with his sight). I was bullied because at the time i was overweight, dressed in a conservative way and i was the best student in the class (aka nerd...).
I am very VERY sorry that you're going through this...I know how upsetting it can be.I think that the most important thing is to make your daughter realize that she should always come to you and let you know in case she has such problems in the future again. Not a long time ago i heard in the news that a beautiful 15 year old girl here commited suicide because she couldn't stand the bullying at school any more and her parents didn't have the slightest idea of what she had been going through. Stay close to your DD and make her feel self confident and strong...Let her know that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS you will always be there for her and she's got nothing to fear.

ETA: I just saw that the issue was resolved I am so happy about this! Huge hugs to you and your DD Mayk

 

[Jennifer W]

This is what you do; you call the mother and you MUST dominate the conversation. If you do not, all is lost. You are not the meek and sweet mom, you are the person in the right and it is the other mom's RESPONSIBILITY to fix it, and your job is to make sure she does. Let's call the mean girl Tia.

You call "I'm afraid you daughter, Tia, has put your family in a very compromising position."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm afraid she has been bullying my daughter, name, and I will have to report her to the school district. If her bad behavior continues, we will have to enlist my uncle, the lawyer (blatant lie- you use a relative/lawyer because it implies it won't cost you anything), to file a harassment suit. I wish Tia hadn't done this, for your sake, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to talk (name the principal) tomorrow. I just wanted to let you know the situation. I'm sorry, that's my other line, I'll have to get back to you." and hang up. Your tone is even and steady throughout, you are informing them of a fact, and that's it.

See what you did? You put the mean girl in the position of being the bad guy, someone who has brought trouble onto her household, you've threatened a lawsuit, and you've cut off the conversation so there is no time for bullshit. The apple doesn't fall from the tree, and bullies beget bullies, that's the truth of it. You need to be ready.

Then you go to school the next day and you are the nicest person in the world to the teachers, but firm. No one EVER gets anything done without a deadline (at least in my experience). You explain the situation, and say that you will meet with them again in a week's time, to see how they have resolved the situation. You ask them what the district's policies are, and you take notes. That implies that you will be checking up on them. The pressure you are putting on the teachers is subtle, but you must make it obvious that you mean business, or they will just have a chat with the other parents and that'll be it. And do NOT meet with the other parents. You need to be that scary lady on the phone, not the compromising nice lady they met at school.

Then tell your daughter to keep a diary of any contact with the mean girl or any of her friends. Day, date and time for every cross-eyed look, mean remark, anything. This is called evidence, and any parent worth their salt knows that it is. If your daughter can let it be known she is keeping a record "for the lawsuit", that girl will run for the hills. Plus, I never make a threat I don't intend to keep, and I would file a harassment suit if necessary. It wouldn't get far, the first lawyer letter would do it, but I would be ready. Nip this in the bud, or it will follow her to high school.

+1...I Lander is so right. I am a lawyer myself and i handled the situation almost in the exact same way when my DD got bullied by another girl at school at the age of 11.The good thing about DD's school is that it is a very strict private school that takes no $hit and will make everything possible to solve such an issue, even if that means expelling the bullier.
And may i say that both my brother and i were bullied at school too (he's 45 years old and i'm 39...This problem will never be eliminated and i'm sure that the children of our children will also have to deal with such prtoblems more or less). My brother was bullied because he was wearing those huge glasses with thick lenses (big problem with his sight). I was bullied because at the time i was overweight, dressed in a conservative way and i was the best student in the class (aka nerd...).
I am very VERY sorry that you're going through this...I know how upsetting it can be.I think that the most important thing is to make your daughter realize that she should always come to you and let you know in case she has such problems in the future again. Not a long time ago i heard in the news that a beautiful 15 year old girl here commited suicide because she couldn't stand the bullying at school any more and her parents didn't have the slightest idea of what she had been going through. Stay close to your DD and make her feel self confident and strong...Let her know that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS you will always be there for her and she's got nothing to fear.

ETA: I just saw that the issue was resolved I am so happy about this! Huge hugs to you and your DD Mayk

I read this thread with interest, because I have a 4 year old daughter - we'll be at this stage before I know it.

I know this topic brings up really strong feelings, and unpleasant feeling, and I really do feel for the people here who have shared these upsetting experiences.

I will say, I have some reservations about some of this approach. Not the part that says don't be meek, and be in command of the situation, but there's a difference between dominance and aggression, I think. As a lawyer, on the receiving end of a call like this, I think my response would be a snort of derision, a mild expression of interest in viewing the Initial Writ when it's served, and a hang up before we got to the end of that lady's views. Because that to me would feel like I was being bullied. Now, if I found out my kid was bullying, her world would change, believe me. That is something I would not tolerate. But if someone phoned my home and spoke to me like that in the first instance, it would, to say the least, raise my hackles. It would distract me from addressing the problem (my bullying mean girl, which should be my problem and my first concern right then) and deflect me from how I SHOULD feel about the situation (horrified, angry and ready to address it with my kid right that very minute). I would just be incensed by the bullying phonecall.

Now, fair enough if the parents are also mean, or think it's ok, or won't otherwise stir themselves to address it, that's a very different situation. However, even good kids from loving, careful parents can get it wrong and it's in everyone's interests to address it sensitively. I'd also like to think I would be aware of things like bereavement and family troubles, and the impact they have on a child's behaviour - not because it would excuse it in any way, I'm not suggesting that for a moment, but because it would give a strong clue about how to go about addressing it practically. Because the end point I'd imagine people want is for the kids to find a way of living together in their school or community without hurt or harm, rather than to start a feud between whole families.

Of course, if my approach doesn't work, there is always the bat option...

 

[beaujolais]

Oh, so verry sorry. I've dealt with this. (People are horrible.)

If the Principal does not fix Immediately, get in touch with the school district superintendent and make them fix it. Call them every day, make a huge fuss. My local principal did nothing useful, the school district superintendent did (but I did have to bug the "blank" out of them and carry on excessively (scream, threaten - it worked for me). Call the police, make a report & pursue as much as possible - NOW.

Hugs and kisses to you and your daughter.

 

[pandabee]

I had a chance to read through this thread and while I don't have any advice to give, I'm glad that the mom was receptive to your call!! Hopefully she will be able to get into her daughter's head that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. Hope your DD does not have to deal with this kind of rude treatment from her any longer. Lots of hugs!!

 

[madelise]

Perks: your daughter will grow some thick skin, and be a powerful woman one day.
I've endured bullying. I think I've learned how to put up with more stress in life because of the hardship.

But I am very sad to hear how bad bullying has gotten with technology

 

[JaneSmith]

Good news... The mom called. She was more than upset. Thanked me for telling her and told me this would not happen again! I'm so relieved! You guys rock! Thank you for sharing, listening and suggesting!! I needed your help to get this one right!

Good ... I hope. I hope this is not lip service to you, I hope this mum really does help the awful girl to realise that the threats and intimidation are hurtful and wrong. I hope the awful girl does not take out her embarrassment on your daughter.

So this thing got bigger last night when a second girl came forward.. confessed she was with the first girl.. both parents called me...

Both girls in the dean's office this morning confessing and apologizing... not to DD yet.. she's home sick today .. but tomorrow hopefully..

Scary how big and quick these kids can get sucked in to making a bad decision... This second girl.. first time she has ever been in trouble....athlete..good kid. Her mom called me in tears and put her on the phone and she was crying on the phone and said she was so sorry. She didn't have to confess I didn't know she was part of it. I told her she did the right thing, the tough thing coming forward. Wow... what a mess. Hope for now it will be over.

To have a 'good kid' sucked in to bullying makes me wonder how poisonous awful girl is.
I truly hope that this is the end of it for your daughter. Tell her to remain vigilant and document everything.
I hope the awful girl is not really awful, and that she feels badly for such a horrible mistake.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Wow, very good that the second girl had a conscience and chose to confess!!! Yay! Gives you some hope that some people make mistakes but do have some moral integrity! And this may be a wake up call for that girl and who she has as friends!

 

[justginger]

Good news... The mom called. She was more than upset. Thanked me for telling her and told me this would not happen again! I'm so relieved! You guys rock! Thank you for sharing, listening and suggesting!! I needed your help to get this one right!

Good ... I hope. I hope this is not lip service to you, I hope this mum really does help the awful girl to realise that the threats and intimidation are hurtful and wrong. I hope the awful girl does not take out her embarrassment on your daughter.

So this thing got bigger last night when a second girl came forward.. confessed she was with the first girl.. both parents called me...

Both girls in the dean's office this morning confessing and apologizing... not to DD yet.. she's home sick today .. but tomorrow hopefully..

Scary how big and quick these kids can get sucked in to making a bad decision... This second girl.. first time she has ever been in trouble....athlete..good kid. Her mom called me in tears and put her on the phone and she was crying on the phone and said she was so sorry. She didn't have to confess I didn't know she was part of it. I told her she did the right thing, the tough thing coming forward. Wow... what a mess. Hope for now it will be over.

To have a 'good kid' sucked in to bullying makes me wonder how poisonous awful girl is.
I truly hope that this is the end of it for your daughter. Tell her to remain vigilant and document everything.
I hope the awful girl is not really awful, and that she feels badly for such a horrible mistake.

I don't think it is very unusual for a good kid to be sucked into a bad situation through peer pressure during impressionable years. I was a very, very good kid and did a few things during my preteen/teen years that now cause me to cringe when I reflect. Mistakes are part of growing up.

 

[JaneSmith]

Good news... The mom called. She was more than upset. Thanked me for telling her and told me this would not happen again! I'm so relieved! You guys rock! Thank you for sharing, listening and suggesting!! I needed your help to get this one right!

Good ... I hope. I hope this is not lip service to you, I hope this mum really does help the awful girl to realise that the threats and intimidation are hurtful and wrong. I hope the awful girl does not take out her embarrassment on your daughter.

So this thing got bigger last night when a second girl came forward.. confessed she was with the first girl.. both parents called me...

Both girls in the dean's office this morning confessing and apologizing... not to DD yet.. she's home sick today .. but tomorrow hopefully..

Scary how big and quick these kids can get sucked in to making a bad decision... This second girl.. first time she has ever been in trouble....athlete..good kid. Her mom called me in tears and put her on the phone and she was crying on the phone and said she was so sorry. She didn't have to confess I didn't know she was part of it. I told her she did the right thing, the tough thing coming forward. Wow... what a mess. Hope for now it will be over.

To have a 'good kid' sucked in to bullying makes me wonder how poisonous awful girl is.
I truly hope that this is the end of it for your daughter. Tell her to remain vigilant and document everything.
I hope the awful girl is not really awful, and that she feels badly for such a horrible mistake.

I don't think it is very unusual for a good kid to be sucked into a bad situation through peer pressure during impressionable years. I was a very, very good kid and did a few things during my preteen/teen years that now cause me to cringe when I reflect. Mistakes are part of growing up.

I absolutely agree. However, this particular bad situation was a personal threat to 'ruin' a peer with a disability. Being coerced into such an ugly hateful action takes skill on the part of the first girl.
Like I said previously, I hope both bullies feel terrible about their actions (beyond feeling bad that they were caught), and that this is the end of it.