Break Up Groundrules

[purrfectpear]

Search your old threads and reread. It''s clear you were not on the same page, and only managed to waste more time. Stay strong

 

[monarch64]

Starset, don''t cave. Don''t settle. There is nothing wrong with missing someone but indulging in fantasies of what might have been are not doing you any good. I want to share something with you, I met my SO when I was spending a weekend at home last fall and thinking about who I saw myself with, if anyone, as far as dating. I decided to post a silly ad on Craigslist. I just wrote from the heart, and honest to god I ended up with exactly what I wanted. Here''s my ad:

Title: (women seeking men) Attention Grabbing Title
"Your pic gets mine. I''m single, looking for a man with ALL of the following qualities: (I know you''re out there, and probably you don''t resort to answering CL ads but I''ll take my chances) Tall, some sort of ''hot'' factor, articulate, able to spell whether in emails or texts or even (ohmygod!) in random and sickeningly sweet Hallmark cards, NOT an attention whore, and financially comfortable.



I''m a great catch. If your response seems interesting and I decide to respond, you won''t be disappointed. My bullshit meter performs very well, so don''t bother conveniently omitting the fact that you have 10 kids or that you''re married or that you''re a convicted felon from your reply. Cheers."~Monarch64

Write down what you want, Starset. You will get through this breakup and move on. Just believe in yourself.

 

[sunseeker101]

In a situation like this I always think that it''s ''better to back out in the middle of the fjord than be drowned in the flood''. Well done on retreating and holding to what you know you want and what''s right for you. Better to set your course for exactly where you want to go, and not drift. At least then you''ve giving yourself every chance to achieve what you know to be a situation worthy of your dedication. Best of luck!

 

[Skychick]

Yes, find a friend you can text/call /email when you want to contact him. I have one and it has been working.

My update - he texted me last Saturday asking how I was doing. I was cordial but I am not going to drop my convictions either. Last Monday I emailed him saying that he asked for time and I understood and respected that. At the time I told him I coud not be just friends so if he wants to move forward, I would be willing to talk. However, if he just wants friendship, he needs to respect my request not to contact me. Hardest email I ever sent. But, I know where I stand now.

 

[Erin]

Date: 2/22/2010 9:27:02 AM
Author: Skychick
Hardest email I ever sent. But, I know where I stand now.

I''m proud of you!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Stay strong, Starset!

After a few weeks of no contact, my strength and resolve started to fade. I missed my best friend. I talked with a friend who was going through the same thing and told her I was considering "light contact" because I thought I was ready. D had emailed me several times right after I left and I always ignored them because he needed to realize they were falling on deaf ears. When he stopped emailing, I knew he was moving on and that part was harder for me, which is why I was considering light contact. I pulled through that phase without ever having contacted him, and I am very thankful that I did. Definitely lean on friends right now, they are the ones who will keep you sane when you've convinced yourself you're "ready" to perhaps send an email or give him a quick call. You're not and it would undo all the healing you've accomplished.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 2/20/2010 7:12:40 PM
Author: monarch64

Write down what you want, Starset. You will get through this breakup and move on. Just believe in yourself.

Ditto this! I made a list of everything I was looking for a few years ago after my last big break-up. When FI came along, he matched up with every single one of those qualities.

 

[Skychick]

Starset - I copied this and I read it when I want to contact him:

This will require a period of no contact between you two, so that you can both heal, and move your hearts forward. When you have successfully worked through the separation issues, you can begin to visualize and construct the type of friendship you would like to have with this man.
You will need to set up clear boundaries of friendship, so you don''t lapse into the same old patterns that kept you invested in this relationship for six years. You are making a conscious choice to love yourself, so keep that in mind as your main goal. This is your opportunity to create a positive, new life for yourself.

Maybe when I am healed, I won''t even want to be friends with him.

 

[BaileyLove]

If only I had this in high school, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and shame!! I hope you won''t mind, SP, but I want to post this for my girlfriends and share the knowledge.

And I second making the list of all the qualities you want in a man. I went a step further and made a list of who I want to be when I''m in the next relationship so I don''t ever lose myself again. I swear, it works!!!

Hang in there ladies. You are strong and better off, whether it feels like it right now or not. You are.

 

[Steel]

I am sorry to you ladies who are going though difficult times.

 

[prettylnpink419]

This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. I am so heart broken at the moment. You women are all so strong, I don''t know if I can be that strong. Not being with him feels so wrong. I won''t bore everyone with the details but we went from moving in together next week and talking about what he wants for his birthday in two weeks to fighting about something stupid to him saying he never wanted to move in and it feels wrong and i''m putting so much more into this relationship than he is and he doesn''t think he wants this anymore. He asked for a break. Time to be alone, and not have to worry about anyone but himself.

I really feel like he''s doing this because he is scared. Doesn''t make it okay though.

I feel very mislead and hurt and more than anything, sad. I can''t get past the thought that I might never fall asleep with him again. I might never kiss him again. All of our plans may be thrown out the window. Three years of my life, wasted.

I feel like I know I should deserve better but just can''t let go of him. I want to call him, text him, e-mail him. I want to go over there and make him talk to me. I want him to see that not being together is wrong.

I feel so weak. So unsure. So sad. So scared. So alone.

 

[16ocean]

PrettyIn pink419-
You are going through a scary time right now. Your heart hearts so bad. You are not alone. It does get better. I have been in your shoes. I wish I had some magical words to make you feel better over but words don’t go far with filling out the hollow space in your heart. Please be good to yourself! Sending healing hugs your way . . . .

 

[prettylnpink419]

Ocean--

Thanks for the support. Today is so much harder than I could imagine. My heart is breaking and I am sitting at work just crying. I cleaned my desk, took down the picture frames I had of us and am just sitting here. I keep looking at my phone. We normally talk like 8 times a day and knowing I can''t contact him is killing me. I don''t know how something that hurts so much and feels so wrong could be best.

 

[Skychick]

PrettyinPnk - Don''t look at it as 3 years wasted. I was with my ex for 6 years. And I am probably a lot older than you.

You learned something about yourself in the past 3 years, didn''t you? I know it seems like it will never be right again, but what is supposed to happen will happen. You are one more step closer to that goal.

Yeah, it''s hard. Don''t doubt yourself - you are strong too.

 

[Skychick]

Someone may have already said this. I didn''t go back and reread. One more thing - you can''t miss someone that is always there. Give him the space. Don''t contact him.

 

[Strawdermangrl]

Date: 2/20/2010 7:12:40 PM
Author: monarch64
Starset, don''t cave. Don''t settle. There is nothing wrong with missing someone but indulging in fantasies of what might have been are not doing you any good. I want to share something with you, I met my SO when I was spending a weekend at home last fall and thinking about who I saw myself with, if anyone, as far as dating. I decided to post a silly ad on Craigslist. I just wrote from the heart, and honest to god I ended up with exactly what I wanted. Here''s my ad:

Title: (women seeking men) Attention Grabbing Title
''Your pic gets mine. I''m single, looking for a man with ALL of the following qualities: (I know you''re out there, and probably you don''t resort to answering CL ads but I''ll take my chances) Tall, some sort of ''hot'' factor, articulate, able to spell whether in emails or texts or even (ohmygod!) in random and sickeningly sweet Hallmark cards, NOT an attention whore, and financially comfortable.



I''m a great catch. If your response seems interesting and I decide to respond, you won''t be disappointed. My bullshit meter performs very well, so don''t bother conveniently omitting the fact that you have 10 kids or that you''re married or that you''re a convicted felon from your reply. Cheers.''~Monarch64

Write down what you want, Starset. You will get through this breakup and move on. Just believe in yourself.

That is awesome. Truly. I love this.

PIP- I feel you, I recently went through the same thing and it was all I could do not to obsess. I hung on every word, text or call. I made myself sick, nothing good comes from it. Keep yourself busy and I know that it has been mentioned before but get yourself a girlfriend that you can text/email/call in moments of desperation. My BFF is going through this right now, she texts me 24/7 but I am glad she is sticking with her choice to NOT contact him. I have a friend that told me after a breakup if someone (friends) asks you to do something, say YES!!! Go have fun, you deserve a smile and laughter.*Hugs, Doll* It hurts but if it is meant to be it always finds a way.

 

[verypatientlywaiting]

prettyinpink--I''m so sorry that you''re going through this. I''ve been in this situation before and it really sucks...looking back at that breakup, I know it was for the best because I am now with the love of my life. Just hang in there and be strong (& do NOT contact him!). And know that you will someday find someone who is so madly in love with you that the thought of ever leaving you will never enter their mind.

 

[janinegirly]

PIP: we''ve all been there, and I can admit to doing all the wrong things way back when--things like calling,emailing, wallowing and having too many glasses of wine! So you are not alone. Also it is better to address these things (fears or somethign more) before moving in together, so that is actually a good thing even though I''m sure you don''t care to hear that now.

My advice would be to try to get through this initial pain by taking it 1 day at a time. As in try to make it through today...distract yourself, call girlfriends, post here, hit the gym, eat ice cream and watch some trash TV. Because each day you make it is one day closer to less pain PLUS it might prevent you from obsessing over the bigger thoughts lof what ifs and why me and what did I do (all the negative thoughts that will make you feel worse and want to call him!). Giving him space also will allow him to come around faster IF that''s in the cards, and if not, then it allows you to retain some dignity which I can tell you is something you will be thankful for as the weeks go on.

Hang in there!

 

[janinegirly]

Also wanted to pop in and see how Starset Princess was doing....

 

[Erin]

Thanks JG. It''s decent. He still texts me stupid stuff like "The hockey match of the decade is on at 2:15. Don''t forget to tune in." Another one was "I suck at trivia without you." Which meant he was over at our friends house playing trivia like ''we'' used to. No matter how many times he gets ignored, he still sends me texts. I can''t give in though because HE has nothing to lose. We work together and one time he walked up behind me while I was getting coffee and whispered "I think about this decision every day. Don''t think for one second that I don''t." I turned and smiled and said, "I know." And then in my best don''t trip or run into the wall walk, I waltzed away.

We''ve both lost weight since January, I got a new sassy hair cut and he got (sexy) new glasses. The electricity between us is unbearable so I stay away from his sector.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 3/4/2010 4:28:45 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Thanks JG. It''s decent. He still texts me stupid stuff like ''The hockey match of the decade is on at 2:15. Don''t forget to tune in.'' Another one was ''I suck at trivia without you.'' Which meant he was over at our friends house playing trivia like ''we'' used to. No matter how many times he gets ignored, he still sends me texts. I can''t give in though because HE has nothing to lose. We work together and one time he walked up behind me while I was getting coffee and whispered ''I think about this decision every day. Don''t think for one second that I don''t.'' I turned and smiled and said, ''I know.'' And then in my best don''t trip or run into the wall walk, I waltzed away.

We''ve both lost weight since January, I got a new sassy hair cut and he got (sexy) new glasses. The electricity between us is unbearable so I stay away from his sector.

Ugh, it sucks so much that you work together--nothing like rubbing salt in a wound daily.

You are doing very well, just keep ignoring the texts. He''d love a response, something to know you still think about him. He still thinks he has a chance.

Keep up the good work, Starset!!

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 3/3/2010 11:12:20 PM
Author: prettylnpink419
This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. I am so heart broken at the moment. You women are all so strong, I don''t know if I can be that strong. Not being with him feels so wrong. I won''t bore everyone with the details but we went from moving in together next week and talking about what he wants for his birthday in two weeks to fighting about something stupid to him saying he never wanted to move in and it feels wrong and i''m putting so much more into this relationship than he is and he doesn''t think he wants this anymore. He asked for a break. Time to be alone, and not have to worry about anyone but himself.

I really feel like he''s doing this because he is scared. Doesn''t make it okay though.

I feel very mislead and hurt and more than anything, sad. I can''t get past the thought that I might never fall asleep with him again. I might never kiss him again. All of our plans may be thrown out the window. Three years of my life, wasted.

I feel like I know I should deserve better but just can''t let go of him. I want to call him, text him, e-mail him. I want to go over there and make him talk to me. I want him to see that not being together is wrong.

I feel so weak. So unsure. So sad. So scared. So alone.

No. He''s not. He''s doing it for exactly the reason he told you - "you are putting so much more into this relationship than he is and he doesn''t think he wants this anymore."

You need to do yourself a favor and stop looking for excuses or hidden meanings. He''s done until he tells you he isn''t done, and what his plans for the future are, and how you can know that it won''t happen again. Until that happens, he''s done. Not scared, not confused, not any other excuse you want to make for him. He doesn''t want to be in the relationship with you at the level you thought it was at.

Remember your self respect, find something usefull to do and good luck

 

[Indylady]

Date: 3/4/2010 5:50:10 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 3/3/2010 11:12:20 PM

Author: prettylnpink419

This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. I am so heart broken at the moment. You women are all so strong, I don''t know if I can be that strong. Not being with him feels so wrong. I won''t bore everyone with the details but we went from moving in together next week and talking about what he wants for his birthday in two weeks to fighting about something stupid to him saying he never wanted to move in and it feels wrong and i''m putting so much more into this relationship than he is and he doesn''t think he wants this anymore. He asked for a break. Time to be alone, and not have to worry about anyone but himself.


I really feel like he''s doing this because he is scared. Doesn''t make it okay though.


I feel very mislead and hurt and more than anything, sad. I can''t get past the thought that I might never fall asleep with him again. I might never kiss him again. All of our plans may be thrown out the window. Three years of my life, wasted.


I feel like I know I should deserve better but just can''t let go of him. I want to call him, text him, e-mail him. I want to go over there and make him talk to me. I want him to see that not being together is wrong.


I feel so weak. So unsure. So sad. So scared. So alone.

No. He''s not. He''s doing it for exactly the reason he told you - ''you are putting so much more into this relationship than he is and he doesn''t think he wants this anymore.''


You need to do yourself a favor and stop looking for excuses or hidden meanings. He''s done until he tells you he isn''t done, and what his plans for the future are, and how you can know that it won''t happen again. Until that happens, he''s done. Not scared, not confused, not any other excuse you want to make for him. He doesn''t want to be in the relationship with you at the level you thought it was at.


Remember your self respect, find something usefull to do and good luck

+1 There''s no reason not to believe something he has clearly told you. In my opinion, this is kind of honesty is actually an admirable quality. And its what you have to go with until he honestly tells you otherwise. I know that things are hard now, but they will get better! I hope that everything works out, and in the meantime, pick up a hobby and reconnect with friends, and with yourself. You''ll be a better person for it, regardless of how things go with your boyfriend. And it feels good to be in control of a part of your life, and to have a part that''s all about you.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Ditto.
I''ve been ignoring my ex for 3 months. It gets easier.
Hugs!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I am sad to say that my daughter is going through the same thing. He had talked about them getting married for months and he even took her to look at rings in September. She started working for him as his office manager. He told her that he was depressed that his business was not doing well and considering the economy, he didn''t know when it would get better. He said he just could not make any commitment toward the future and needed to focus on his business so it was best for them to part ways. I actually am pleased that he took the blame for the break-up rather than putting any blame on her. But it was still a suprise, and she not only was losing him, she was also losing her job!!! Thank goodness she never moved in with him! At least she has her own house. This happened a couple of weeks ago and I didn''t post just in case they got back together. But I think he meant what he said...he just changed his mind about them being together. Better to find out now than later is my view.

 

[Indylady]

DS, I am so sorry to hear that! I remember reading about your daughter and being so impressed that she had such a proactive boyfriend. He seems like an honest and straightforward guy, and I have to commend him for that. Lots of hugs and healing dust for your daughter.

 

[lulu]

Ladies,

I have to tell you that even 30 years after the fact I look back at some of the things I did trying to hang on to a bad relationship with great shame. It is not worth your self respect. Walk away with your head held high. It''s his loss.

 

[Strawdermangrl]

Date: 3/4/2010 4:28:45 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Thanks JG. It''s decent. He still texts me stupid stuff like ''The hockey match of the decade is on at 2:15. Don''t forget to tune in.'' Another one was ''I suck at trivia without you.'' Which meant he was over at our friends house playing trivia like ''we'' used to. No matter how many times he gets ignored, he still sends me texts. I can''t give in though because HE has nothing to lose. We work together and one time he walked up behind me while I was getting coffee and whispered ''I think about this decision every day. Don''t think for one second that I don''t.'' I turned and smiled and said, ''I know.'' And then in my best don''t trip or run into the wall walk, I waltzed away.

We''ve both lost weight since January, I got a new sassy hair cut and he got (sexy) new glasses. The electricity between us is unbearable so I stay away from his sector.

Trumps glasses. FYI, just in case you were wondering.

Keep your chin up doll, it will get better and easier.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 3/7/2010 4:45:44 PM
Author: IndyLady
DS, I am so sorry to hear that! I remember reading about your daughter and being so impressed that she had such a proactive boyfriend. He seems like an honest and straightforward guy, and I have to commend him for that. Lots of hugs and healing dust for your daughter.

Thanks so much, IL! He did have many good qualities and this was not exactly how we thought things would turn out. But this has to be the most civil breakup possible. I think she is still down about it, but she is keeping busy with her friends and has had one interview and has two more scheduled within the next week. So hopefully that dust is working!