Break Up Groundrules

[Erin]

I will not call him. No matter what good or bad news I think he should hear only from me, I will not call him. Even if I am convinced it will make me feel better, I will not call him. I will not call him even to get my stuff. I''ll have a friend do that, preferably via email.

I will not email him. Not even an innocent and rather funny group email forward. I will not email him simply to give him back his stuff. I will not contact him at all.

I will not frequent the places I know he goes to, even if I went there first and like it better. I acknowledge that this is not a pissing contest about territory. I know going to such places will hurt more than it will help. Until there has been some space and time between us, going to those places is asinine, can be viewed as stalker-ish and will be painful only to me.

I will not encourage or allow friends to do anything foolhardy, even with my best interest at heart. That includes talking to him when they see him in public to let him know he is a jerk and he''ll never do better than me, or to share that I am looking fabulous, got a promotion, bought a new house and am dating George Clooney (or the regional equivalent thereof).

I will screen all of my calls. I will get caller ID, if necessary, and put "private call block" on my phone. I will not answer the phone unless I know who it is and am sure it''s not him. All other calls will go to voicemail.

I will not take his phone calls. I repeat, I will not take his calls.

I will not return his phone calls or emails. If he is "just checking" to see how I am, I know he is really just checking to see if I think he''s a jackass. He is looking for an ego stroke, not to get back together, and I know this because he did not start out the communication with, "I am sorry. I made a mistake. I want us to get back together."

I will not look for signs that we will get back together. This includes asking the Magic-8 Ball or tarot card readers and the like. The only professional guidance I will seek will be that of a licensed therapist or member of the clergy.

I will not believe this is temporary. I will see this as permanent until proven otherwise by concrete actions, immense apologies and couple''s therapy.

I will not hide under a rock, be humiliated or ashamed that this relationship ended. For all I know, this could be the best thing that ever happened to me. And I believe the wonderful stuff I deserve is on its way.

I promise to abide by these vows for at least thirty (30) days, or until I have gotten over him, whichever is longer. This is about me feeling better and that has nothing to do with him.

 

[jewelz617]

If only I had been level headed enough to follow these rules during my first big breakup. Very good advice.

 

[lulu]

Great rules and some funny ones too. Is this just general, or are you following these now? If the latter, I''m sorry.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI

Please add how you''ll handle yourself should yu accidentally run into him! This would be a toughie!! (as all other rules are carried out in absentia...)

cheers--Sharon

 

[janinegirly]

these are good--wish I had them (in writing) about 10 years ago!

SP: are you following these or just sharing with a receptive audience?

 

[Erin]

I am going to need them. We cannot come to a compromise and we work in very close proximity of each other. For other reasons I''ve been longing for a new job and am actively hunting. I feel it would be ineffective to force a break up now when I could change a few factors first. We both know we can''t stay together. Sometimes we just look at each other and smile with tear stung eyes.

 

[babycush]

GOOD FOR YOU!!! Go get em girl.

 

[Skychick]

I need to follow these rules too! I gave him back the key to his house last Monday. Actually, I left it in his mailbox. We have been arguing way too much lately. I kept telling him that I was tired of it but nothing changed. Then I got serious and left the key. He texted me that night saying he didn''t want me out of his life, he just wanted to stop arguing. I told him that things would have to change. He is now taking time to think. So, I guess I did give the man an ultimatum...

We can do this!!!!

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 2/9/2010 1:17:08 PM
Author: Starset Princess
I am going to need them. We cannot come to a compromise and we work in very close proximity of each other. For other reasons I''ve been longing for a new job and am actively hunting. I feel it would be ineffective to force a break up now when I could change a few factors first. We both know we can''t stay together. Sometimes we just look at each other and smile with tear stung eyes.

I"m sorry to hear SP. It sounds painful but the more drawn out the more painful. I hope you find peace with this situation soon--iI know it has been going on for awhile.

 

[Winks_Elf]

(((((BIG HUG))))) ladies.

I haven''t talked to Dave in weeks, and have no intention of doing so. He tried to refriend me on facebook saying he "wants to talk", and I ignored it. I am not talking to either of our friends (apparently they weren''t my friends because since I broke up with him they want nothing to do with me, but one of them had the audacity to do a driveby several times in one weekend!

), not emailing him, and basically have cut off all communications with people I don''t want all up in my business.

I am almost finished gathering up his belongings that got left behind (and am being nice...washing clothing as I come across it, folding things neatly) and will have to make arrangements to get his things to him, but I really don''t want to see him.

 

[luckynumber]

winks elf, what happened???

didn''t you respond on the chemistry thread, saying that you were with your guy for 24 years, or did i misunderstand?

so sorry if i''ve got you wrong.

dont feel you have to explain if you don''t want to though...

 

[LilyKat]

Bravo.

That should be taught to all school-age girls. With annual refresher lessons throughout adulthood.

 

[lilyfoot]

Starset Princess, skychick and Winks_Elf (good for you for staying strong about your decision!), I''m sending major hugs to you guys.

I am not currently going through a break up, but I have definitely been there before. I hope you ladies can find joy in something every day, and I hope your healing process is quick.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Reread the rules several times a day. You know they are logical, they are for the best, they are the path for being a healther, happier version of yourself. It makes sense. But somehow when you are feeling alone, afraid and maybe even a little guilty despite your better judgement, the rationalization of "one little email" starts to creep in and wreck all of the healing you''ve done. When that happens, just read the rules again. And post.

You will absolutely get through this and you will be a better person for it. In six months (or less), you''ll wish you''d done it sooner.

 

[ArtistJess]

Funny how the older I get, the more of these rules I learn to follow.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 2/9/2010 5:44:28 PM
Author: luckynumber
winks elf, what happened???


didn''t you respond on the chemistry thread, saying that you were with your guy for 24 years, or did i misunderstand?


so sorry if i''ve got you wrong.


dont feel you have to explain if you don''t want to though...

No, I said I''ve had chemistry with the same man for 24 years, and that was the truth. I was referring to my ex-husband. The chemistry has always been very strong with us.

 

[MissMina]

I will not dewll on the good times we had. Instead I will remind myself of why we ae not together.

 

[Erin]

Should I run into him in person I will be smiling and polite with my main objective being to get as far away from him as quickly as possible.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Ive never had a problem staying away from an ex. Im very lucky that way. But heres an addition to the rules: I wont call him or visit him any more than I would call or visit an ex boss who fired me. Its just sad and will make me look back on my behaviour with shame.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 2/9/2010 1:17:08 PM
Author: Starset Princess
I am going to need them. We cannot come to a compromise and we work in very close proximity of each other. For other reasons I''ve been longing for a new job and am actively hunting. I feel it would be ineffective to force a break up now when I could change a few factors first. We both know we can''t stay together. Sometimes we just look at each other and smile with tear stung eyes.

Is this the same guy from the April 2009 "I don''t wanna say no, but I can''t bring myself to say yes" fiasco?

Please say it isn''t so. Honey if you are truly baby oriented, you need to quit while there''s still time.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Other good tips:

- Get a cute new haircut
- Get out and do something active every day. Even if its just a walk around the block, you need to get out.
- Take up people on offers to do things you''ve never wanted to do before. Hockey game? Sure. Beach volleyball league? Sure. Visit to quaint village for shopping and sightseeing? Sure. Psycho aerobic class? Sure. (All things I never wanted or felt I had the time to do before--and loved.)

 

[Erin]

Kinda like Jim Carrey in Yes Man. That''d be an awesome experiment. Say yes to everything for a week.

 

[AustenNut]

Date: 2/9/2010 6:17:52 PM
Author: lilyfoot
Starset Princess, skychick and Winks_Elf (good for you for staying strong about your decision!), I''m sending major hugs to you guys.


I am not currently going through a break up, but I have definitely been there before. I hope you ladies can find joy in something every day, and I hope your healing process is quick.

Ditto this, and hugs for all the women who need them.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 2/12/2010 1:52:08 PM
Author: AustenNut

Date: 2/9/2010 6:17:52 PM
Author: lilyfoot
Starset Princess, skychick and Winks_Elf (good for you for staying strong about your decision!), I''m sending major hugs to you guys.

Ditto this, and hugs for all the women who need them.

Thritto. I''m thinking of you guys!

 

[LilyKat]

Could I also suggest an addition to your list? No getting into serious relationships on the rebound. It's not fair to either of you. Been there, done that... and it never ends well. Give yourself time to truly get over him.

But in your next relationship, make sure you're both on the same page before getting involved.

 

[Tuckins1]

Follow your rules, they sound great! Stay strong!

 

[cally]

This should seriously be taught to teenage girls as a course in high school. I think we''d save ourselves a lot of heartache is learned this, and learned it early!!

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Date: 2/9/2010 3:05:30 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
(((((BIG HUG))))) ladies.


I haven''t talked to Dave in weeks, and have no intention of doing so. He tried to refriend me on facebook saying he ''wants to talk'', and I ignored it. I am not talking to either of our friends (apparently they weren''t my friends because since I broke up with him they want nothing to do with me, but one of them had the audacity to do a driveby several times in one weekend!

), not emailing him, and basically have cut off all communications with people I don''t want all up in my business.


I am almost finished gathering up his belongings that got left behind (and am being nice...washing clothing as I come across it, folding things neatly) and will have to make arrangements to get his things to him, but I really don''t want to see him.

wait you aren''t getting married anymore?

 

[Winks_Elf]

No, I broke up with him the first week of January. It dawned on me that he wasn''t mature enough to take a wife, let alone one with 4 children. If you ever want to see a man''s true colors, break up with him. They tend to show their real character and Dave''s was beyond juvenile.

I realize now that he was a rebound romance, and he honestly had no business getting involved with a single mother of 4. I don''t want to speak badly of him because I know he was hurt by the breakup, but his behavior afterwards was beyond uncalled for. He took back gifts he gave me, and even stole my blackberry and didn''t have the guts to admit it to my face. That was the pivotal moment for me, and it affirmed my decision to call it quits. I haven''t spoken to him since, refuse to discuss him with my friends, and have no desire to ever see him again.

 

[Erin]

I needed a good reread. Wishing he would call. Hoping he won''t. I hate how much it consumes my thoughts the first go around. Argh.