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Big Breakup

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iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Date: 2/25/2009 1:37:11 PM
Author: ringisthething
It''s really hard not to call and tell him I made a mistake, but deep down I know I didn''t. That would be the ''quick fix'' and this situation has been going on too long for a quick fix. We talked the issue to death and bottom line is I can''t (and don''t want to) MAKE him propose to me/be excited about a future with me. I do have some important stuff of his so we will eventually have to work all that out being in different cities and all. Now I just have to keep up enough will power to not call/text/email for a while (though i will admit I have already tried to call once.)

Keep listening to that voice deep down...it''s always right. I think you definitely did the right thing-if he''s not ready after 5 years, when will he ever be ready? Good for you for holding your ground.
 

BeachRunner

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WOW. I really admire your strength, and not a lot of people would be able to do what you are doing! Keep strong, and remember, time does heal.
 

OUpearlgirl

Ideal_Rock
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I''m so sorry. We''re all here for you!

May I recommend a book, "It''s Called a Breakup Because It''s Broken" written by Greg Behrendent. He''s the guy who also wrote "He''s Just Not That Into You." It is chock full of wise advice and healing words. Pick it up, I promise it will help!

Take care of yourself. You''ll get through this.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
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I''ve said it before to others who have been in your shoes and I''ll say it now...I''m not sorry, I''m excited for you. It''s going to be tough, but then it gets better and you get to have new adventures, meet new people, find new interests, explore, explore, explore. And perhaps some other man will come along and sweep you off your feet, and perhaps not, but your life is yours to live now, no longer tied to a relationship that isn''t working for you. I hope you continue to see the good and positive things that result from your decision, perhaps this will be a wake up call for him, but if it''s not it is the beginning of your new life; enjoy.
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
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5,184
Ring, I''m just stopping by to see how you''re doing and get an update...

I read your posts, and I want to make a comment really quickly about your strength. Break-ups are incredibly painful, and esspecially when you''ve been with the person for a long while. I am just so amazed by your inner strength to have the piece of mind to do was is genuinely best for you in the long run. The quick fix, or the road of least resistance would of course be to call and apologize...but you''ll only be putting of the envitable.

Continue being honest with yourself and your feelings...I wish you the best.
 

Thomperchik

Shiny_Rock
Joined
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Date: 2/25/2009 9:31:17 PM
Author: OUpeargirl
I''m so sorry. We''re all here for you!

May I recommend a book, ''It''s Called a Breakup Because It''s Broken'' written by Greg Behrendent. He''s the guy who also wrote ''He''s Just Not That Into You.'' It is chock full of wise advice and healing words. Pick it up, I promise it will help!


Take care of yourself. You''ll get through this.



RING - I’m so sorry you''re going through this. I went through a horrible breakup about a month ago, and I tell you break ups are never easy. Whether you''re breaking up with him or he''s breaking up with you, it is never easy.

One night I couldn''t sleep, I was anxious and sad. I picked up the book It''s Called a Breakup Because It''s Broken and it gave me the courage to continue with my life. It''s funny and it''ll make you see things that you didn''t want to admit to yourself before.


I''m happy that you feel empowered enough to know that the relationship was not good for you. Just remember, you should never be in someone''s life for their convenience. Everything should be mutual and the other person should feel the same way about you as you feel about them. Stay strong and remember, you have control of your life, and you have chosen to be happy. Unfortunately, being happy sometimes is being without him.


One more thing – This really helped get through it when I was at my worst… I deleted his phone number(s), boxed away anything that reminded me of him, deleted his email from my contact list, deleted him from myspace/facebook, I deleted texts... I actually flagged his emails as SPAM & sure enough I haven''t had the need to read his pathetic pleads. I''m not sure what kind of relationship (i.e. friendship) you want with him, but I suggest you don''t talk to him for a while so that your and his wounds begin to heal!


Good luck to you & please remember that the Pricescope community is here to help you!


Love,


M


 

ringisthething

Rough_Rock
Joined
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Thank you all for your kind words. They have helped me more than you can know. I actually made it through most of last night without crying. I am so blessed because this happened Monday night, and Tuesday was my first round of chemo so my mom has been here all week to take care of me. It probably wasn''t the best time for me to be making rash decisions about my life, but I really feel like going through all this has made me open my eyes and see what I want. Unfortunatly it''s still him that I want, I just want him to feel differntly about the future. But I have accepted that I can''t control his feelings, maybe he''ll wake up and realize he was wrong, maybe he wont. Thanks again for all your support. It''s been a full 24 hours since Ilast tried to contact him (hey, baby steps, right?)
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
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Dec 31, 2008
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Date: 2/26/2009 9:56:49 AM
Author: ringisthething
Thank you all for your kind words. They have helped me more than you can know. I actually made it through most of last night without crying. I am so blessed because this happened Monday night, and Tuesday was my first round of chemo so my mom has been here all week to take care of me. It probably wasn''t the best time for me to be making rash decisions about my life, but I really feel like going through all this has made me open my eyes and see what I want. Unfortunatly it''s still him that I want, I just want him to feel differntly about the future. But I have accepted that I can''t control his feelings, maybe he''ll wake up and realize he was wrong, maybe he wont. Thanks again for all your support. It''s been a full 24 hours since Ilast tried to contact him (hey, baby steps, right?)
I almost married once before. To my college sweetheart. It was engrained in me that you meet your Mr. in school, you marry, get a job, get a house, start a family... I got sick during our relationship, and he became distant. I remember going to the Dr with my mother, she was also taking me to my appointments, not him. It was a scary time of my life. The worst part was he had Leukemia as a child, and was not there for me... at all. Turns out, my getting sick scared him. So he put a lot of space between us. He tried to make it better and I strung him along for another couple of years. But it turned out, I could never forgive him for abandoning me in my time of need. I always worried, if it came back or something were to happen again, would he be there? I forgave him, but never forgot.
That is something you cannot forget, at least for me. Once I recognized this, I said goodbye. It was hard... but I got through it. I believe you can too. I think in these moments of crisis, we actually see what we really want in life. It forces us to make up our minds and focus what is important. I think you see more clearly in situations like this. You are not being rash, your situation has just enabled you to remove the blindfold.
My heart is with you, in more ways than one, and is with you as you undergo your treatments. HUGS!
 

Italiahaircolor

Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Date: 2/26/2009 9:56:49 AM
Author: ringisthething
Thank you all for your kind words. They have helped me more than you can know. I actually made it through most of last night without crying. I am so blessed because this happened Monday night, and Tuesday was my first round of chemo so my mom has been here all week to take care of me. It probably wasn''t the best time for me to be making rash decisions about my life, but I really feel like going through all this has made me open my eyes and see what I want. Unfortunatly it''s still him that I want, I just want him to feel differntly about the future. But I have accepted that I can''t control his feelings, maybe he''ll wake up and realize he was wrong, maybe he wont. Thanks again for all your support. It''s been a full 24 hours since Ilast tried to contact him (hey, baby steps, right?)

I may have missed something earlier on...but you''re undergoing chemotherapy? Oh my God.

I think that adds a new twist to things, but not in a bad way...

First and foremost, I am so sorry you''re sick, and wish you the absolute best as embark on regaining your health. And I hope that in the end, you''ll come out on the other side of things with a renewed spirit and beautiful future laid out before you...
 

SuiteLady

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 25, 2008
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79
Ring...Honey. I didn''t know that you were going through chemo. I am going to take a totally different stance on this...Breakups are stressful and heart wrenching, but right now your focus/energy/attention is on healing. If you feel that you need to speak with him, then speak with him. If it is less stressful to heal with him in your life, then heal with him in your life. Five years is a long time and I am sure that he wants to know how you are doing and be there for you.

My prayers are with you. Please stay in contact.
 

ringisthething

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 28, 2008
Messages
26
yeah, I haven''t really mentioned it on here before but I have an autoimmune disorder called ITP. I haven''t really responded well to the typical treaments (steroids, IVIG, spleenectomy, etc) so we started Rituxan on Tuesday. I wish he was with me to go through this time, but he hasn''t really answered any of my texts. I texted him before I went in, and when I left letting him know I was find and had a small allergic reation to the Rituxan. He didn''t answer me but he did respond to my mom when she texted him that my platelet counts were up from last week.
 

ringisthething

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 28, 2008
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26
He hasn''t been distant through this, that hasn''t really been the problem. My mom is taking me to all my appointments because she is retired, and has the time. He is still in college and we had decided he didn''t need to be there for everything, his education is more important. He was there the whole time I was hospitalized when i was first diagnosed, was there waiting for me when I came out of surgery (he almost passed out when he saw my scar)
I just wanted to clarify that I am not breaking up with him b/c he wasn''t there for me when I needed.. The entire reason for the breakup was his lack of excitement about the future.
 

tlh

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 31, 2008
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4,508
Thanks for the clarification. I understand your clarity, however. I just felt that something like this should make you WANT to be closer, because you are ultimately facing life''s big question. His uncertainty of the future, IMHO is becoming distant... just in a different way. I''ve heard once before someone say, probably in a movie, that "I felt so alone, in a roomful of people."
That really hit me hard when I was receiving my treatments. People may have been there comforting me, but there was something else ... that was missing.

He at the time... was there, but not. My treatments were 3 hours away, and he and I were both in school. He couldn''t miss classes, I understood. But there was an emotional detachment, when I needed him to be close. He wanted to be together, but was uncertain of the future. When I received my treatments, I did get better, and then I remained distant. Eventually he wanted to marry, but I was always one foot out the door.

The only way I know how to relate is through my own personal experiences. I am not trying to tell you what to do, or really offer any advice, I can only just give you my past... and hope that maybe my experience somehow can give you insight into yours. Only you know every detail of your situation, and how if in any way, I can relate. My situation is not the same thing as yours. I am not trying to compare, I just want to let you know, it''s okay to feel this way. I was young. I wanted to be strong, but I was weak... and scared. I kept him around, texting, calling, emailing, and we''d see each other. We honestly continued to date... but it was ME. I was the one that couldn/t move past it and it took me years of on again off again, to finally end things. I still excahnge emails every now and again, they go farther and farther apart from each other. He is getting married, and I am already married. He was a great guy. He still is. The truth is, I know I strung him along when I should have just ended the relationsip, but at the time I didnt see it that way. I maintained contact with him, out of guilt. I was waiting for the day he''d tell me he moved on and was happily married. He''ll be married in June.

I know that everyone''s situation is unique. I was not trying to call your exbf a bad guy, my ex was not a bad guy. I just needed more... and based off of your OP I would say you feel the same way. When you are at a crossroad in your life, and face to face with the uncertainties of the future, you know what you want. I know when I was sick, I thought, "you should want to marry me! You don''t know how long we''ll be together, so you should not want to waste our valuable time with your marital confusion! You may have a long and prosperous future, and the luxury of time"... I dont know what I have, but I knew I wanted him. When he was uncertain he was really just SCARED. Scared of losing me. This was how he showed it... was the emotional detachment from ME. If I were not to make it, he didnt want to hurt after losing me... and he felt that detaching emotionally would protect his heart. It hurt mine. I now understand everything behind why he did what he did, and why he behaved the way he did. I just couldn''t forget.

I''m only saying all this because I think your guy might be scared too. He has the luxury of pulling away, protecting his heart in the event that he loses you. The sad part is, when you get better, will you be ready to pull him close? I am guessing that is why you have ended things with him. But it is hard to keep away from someone that brought you comfort for 5 years. He is your best friend, so it is hard not to send him word about you. I take it you just needed more, like I did, what seems like a lifetime ago.
 

gwendolyn

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 4, 2007
Messages
6,770
Goodness, honey, it sounds like you''ve got a lot of things going on right now. I hope that you start healing, both physically and emotionally--whether that involves this gentleman or not seems like it will be up to him to decide. Stay strong, you are doing amazingly well!
 

Rhea

Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Messages
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Wow, you''re going through a lot right now! I think that you''re strong for persuing what you want, a committed relationship.
 

hearts-arrows_girl

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 18, 2007
Messages
1,118
You did exactly the right thing! I want to commend you on your strength, especially with you medical woes. First of all, a guy sometimes doesn''t know how he feels about you until you are gone. It gives them time to think things through. Plodding along with status quo never works. By leaving he will either decide he can''t live without you or decide he can. Either way you will know. Just take some time for yourself. It will be really hard not to call, but hold out if you can. Don''t make him think you are wishy washy about your decision. After that many years together, He IS going to miss you. I hope he will wake up and decide he doesn''t want to lose you and stop trying to have his cake and eat it too. Good luck with this and your chemo. Venting to all your friends is wonderful medicine! (I dumped my now husband because he too was just lazily riding the fence, now he is soooo happy that he made the decision to marry) He often says "I can''t believe I waited so long)
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
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7,485
RITT, I am so sorry that you''re facing chemo in the midst of this, and so glad your mom is there to support you. Hooray for no tears and if you do cry that''s okay too! You''re human, it''s normal. Take good care of yourself, allow your friends and family to do the same.
 

ringisthething

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 28, 2008
Messages
26
With distance comes calrity. Each day that passes I''m more confident in my decision. I still love him, but with the help of my friends, family, and the great encouraging words from the LIW I''m seeing that I did the right thing. Next week''s round of chemo should be interesting, as this time around I wasn''t sure what was chemo side effects and what was ''i just broke up with my boyfriend'' side effects.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
RITT, I''m so glad that you are moving towards a better place. Continuing to send good thoughts your way.
 

purselover

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Messages
2,066
just wanted to say I''m sorry for all you''re going through and I''m sending lots of good thought your way
 

Clairitek

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 21, 2008
Messages
4,881
I wish you the best in healing and overcoming your illness and gaining some clarity on the situation with your ex. I''m so sorry that you''re having to deal with all this stuff at once.
 

Kitiaral

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2008
Messages
53
I know you did the right thing. He is a "commitment-phobe" and there is no cure for that. I was once in your position and he kept saying "3 more months" or "when this happens...or that" blah blah blah. It wasn''t fair to me. at least you were smart about it and walked away. stay strong through this tough time and don''t give in to him. My friend''s sister, we''ll call her sheri, dated a guy for over 5 years, and she dumped him b/c he wouldn''t commit to her. a year later, she was dating someone else, and he was halfway accross the country. He called her and realized he was wrong They are back together now and hopefully he learned his lesson. There is hope for him to come back, but make sure its after a lot of time and that it''s for the right reasons. Stay strong!
 

ringisthething

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 28, 2008
Messages
26
Thanks for all of your support ladies. I''ve been mostly able to stay away from contacting him, but have slipped up a few times. My main goal now is just to try to stay busy as it helps a little. I has my second round of rituxan yesterday and that went well so I have a lot to be thankful for.
I did include him in my customary mass after treatment email to let everyone know what my counts were how the treatment went etc. Don''t know if it was a good idea or not, but I would want to know if situations were reversed,
 

idreamofcushions

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
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Date: 2/25/2009 10:16:03 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I''ve said it before to others who have been in your shoes and I''ll say it now...I''m not sorry, I''m excited for you. It''s going to be tough, but then it gets better and you get to have new adventures, meet new people, find new interests, explore, explore, explore. And perhaps some other man will come along and sweep you off your feet, and perhaps not, but your life is yours to live now, no longer tied to a relationship that isn''t working for you. I hope you continue to see the good and positive things that result from your decision, perhaps this will be a wake up call for him, but if it''s not it is the beginning of your new life; enjoy.

Ditto. I''m so sorry for what you''re going through right now, but you will get through it and come out a much stonger person because of it. I was in a 4 year relationship, we were engaged, it turned sour, and I was hurt and broken for a while. But with the support of my friends and family I got through it, then meet SO not long after. I realized how truly miserably I had been in my previous relationship...just goes to show you how life can turn out so much better than you think! There is light at the end of the tunnel! Just hang in there, we''re all here to support you in the meantime. (((HUGS)))
 

Bia

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 28, 2008
Messages
6,181
I''m really pulling for you sweetie. I can''t even begin to imagine how you''re dealing, but it looks like you''re doing a great job.

Keeping you in my thoughts ((((hugs))))
 
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