Are you wealthier than your SO?

[Ally T]

Sounds completely like us! I do most of the worrying for both of us! My husband is very positive & happy with life, and a big believer that things naturally work themselves out. I, on the other hand, start to worry about things when they're just a spec on the horizon

I do think that staying at home has been slightly detrimental to my mental health. Although I am busier than ever, thinner than ever & always on the go, my brain is sadly very idle. This does lead to me being a bit of a worrier & the odd anxiety attack, as my once super busy brain is now planning meals & organizing play dates. Ladies, I am absolutely NOT complaining about my position & I am fully aware that I have many friends envious of my situation, but I think everything has its own pressures.

 

[rosetta]

My dh earns a bit over 5 times what I earn (mainly because I am so darn underpaid!) but we share everything. When we got married we merged all our accounts and we are each other's beneficiaries on what we couldn't merge. We own everything equally and have always felt that way. It works for us. I understand that doesn't work for everyone.

Missy I've always been curious about what you do for a living? If youre not comfortable sharing, that's a-ok too, I'd completely understand.

Hi Rosetta, that's OK-I don't mind. I am an optometrist and I work at a not-for-profit multidisciplinary health clinic. That's a mouthful lol. Our patients are developmentally disabled adults primarily though we do see children too. I am very concerned because the budget cuts are going to affect our clinic and patients considerably I fear. I am already limited on what I can prescribe these days. I cannot tell you how many calls I have been getting from the pharmacies saying this drug or that drug is no longer covered.

Oh that sounds like a very rewarding job, thank you for sharing. I love my optometrist, she helps this very short sighted woman with astigmatism see!

 

[SB621]

I wonder what dynamics it causes when the woman makes more than a man in a relationship. Don't kill me on this one as it is a major sterotype but I have noticed that men are natural "money" caretakers and generally have no issues with being the only / majority money maker. On the other hand, women sometimes feel things are unfair when they are the primary money maker.

I have also noticed examples where the men is the stay at home dad and the strain it causes on the relationships. Whereas, if the women is the stay at home mom ... there are usually no issues. We have come a long way but I think we aren't all the way there yet.

Anyways ... just my two cents. I fall in a camp of making significantly more and also grew up in a family where my mom made more. My husband already said it makes more sense that he becomes the stay at home dad but I don't want that. I find that it diminishes their self confidence in the examples I have seen.

I do in general agree with this statement, except my DH is the opposite. He was raised by a single woman who has a fairly strong personality. When we were younger before my career really took off DH was the breadwinner. Even in college he supported me financially. When he started his career I still made more but just a little bit. Then my career exploded. DH had no issues at all with this. He jokingly told people and co-workers that while I was the breadwinner, he was the breadmaker (he loves to cook). Anyhow because of my salary we can go on nicer vacations, have nicer cars, not worry about alot of financials issues that our peers have to deal with. For awhile we did talk about him staying at home and being the SAHD, but ultimately he loves his job so though the $$$ isn't there he is fulfilled in other ways with his work. I guess for us I don't see any of this as an issue. We don't have gender roles in the house ie the man takes out the trash, cuts the lawn while the woman changes diapers and washes dishes. We both do whatever needs to get done. With DH's line of work I'm usually a 1 parent team anyhow for months at a time. So when he is home he does practically everything to give me a break (thank you MIL!).

However we do have friends and their DH's would have a serious ego probably if their wives all the sudden became independant financially. Just the idea has caused some problems with their wives bringing it up.

 

[rosetta]

I wonder what dynamics it causes when the woman makes more than a man in a relationship. Don't kill me on this one as it is a major sterotype but I have noticed that men are natural "money" caretakers and generally have no issues with being the only / majority money maker. On the other hand, women sometimes feel things are unfair when they are the primary money maker.

I have also noticed examples where the men is the stay at home dad and the strain it causes on the relationships. Whereas, if the women is the stay at home mom ... there are usually no issues. We have come a long way but I think we aren't all the way there yet.

Anyways ... just my two cents. I fall in a camp of making significantly more and also grew up in a family where my mom made more. My husband already said it makes more sense that he becomes the stay at home dad but I don't want that. I find that it diminishes their self confidence in the examples I have seen.

I do in general agree with this statement, except my DH is the opposite. He was raised by a single woman who has a fairly strong personality. When we were younger before my career really took off DH was the breadwinner. Even in college he supported me financially. When he started his career I still made more but just a little bit. Then my career exploded. DH had no issues at all with this. He jokingly told people and co-workers that while I was the breadwinner, he was the breadmaker (he loves to cook). Anyhow because of my salary we can go on nicer vacations, have nicer cars, not worry about alot of financials issues that our peers have to deal with. For awhile we did talk about him staying at home and being the SAHD, but ultimately he loves his job so though the $$$ isn't there he is fulfilled in other ways with his work. I guess for us I don't see any of this as an issue. We don't have gender roles in the house ie the man takes out the trash, cuts the lawn while the woman changes diapers and washes dishes. We both do whatever needs to get done. With DH's line of work I'm usually a 1 parent team anyhow for months at a time. So when he is home he does practically
everything to give me a break (thank you MIL!).

However we do have friends and their DH's would have a serious ego probably if their wives all the sudden became independant financially. Just the idea has caused some problems with their wives bringing it up.

Some here. I earn more than my husband and have always done so. He's never had a problem with it. He will earn more than me soon, and I am woman enough not to have a problem with it.

We DO have a few gender defined roles: he takes out the trash and kills the spiders. Everything else we share, except cooking which he is very bad at despite his efforts. I make him do the dishes as penance

 

[rubybeth]

Well, if we divorced tomorrow and had to split our assets, we'd be about equal, because even though I have more set aside for retirement in my name, I also have student loan debt only in my name. We paid off DH's loans first because they were smaller. I make more than DH does, but if he completes the graduate degree he will start this fall, his earning potential will be equal to mine, if not more, because I don't want to move up within my organization (higher pay would not be worth the additional stress/responsibility). I have always made more than he did, but I would be absolutely fine if he made more than I did, especially because he doesn't spend a lot of money, so I'd get to have a LOT of fun with it. I've always wanted to be able to live on one income and save the other, but right now, we can really only live on my income and save his. It would be nice if it could go either way, so that if either of us ends up hating our job and wanting to quit, or getting laid off, we would be much more secure.

 

[pregcurious]

We've been married for over a decade. Once we were committed, there was no mine/his. We are both capable of making a decent wage, but right now I make more.

 

[Laila619]

I wonder what dynamics it causes when the woman makes more than a man in a relationship. Don't kill me on this one as it is a major sterotype but I have noticed that men are natural "money" caretakers and generally have no issues with being the only / majority money maker. On the other hand, women sometimes feel things are unfair when they are the primary money maker.

I have also noticed examples where the men is the stay at home dad and the strain it causes on the relationships. Whereas, if the women is the stay at home mom ... there are usually no issues. We have come a long way but I think we aren't all the way there yet.

I think subconsciously, women are attracted to men who are alpha males and have high earning potential, because these are the males who can provide for a wife and kids. When it's reversed and the woman is the main breadwinner, sometimes it can lead to resentment, or the female partner can actually (again subconsciously) start to lose attraction for her mate. It may not even be something she's aware of.

Obviously everyone's different though, and there's no one rule that works for all couples. My cousin's husband is a stay-at-home dad, and she earns big bucks. It appears that both parties are happy with their roles.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

While in college, I fully intended to be the bread winner and had the thought that one day D would stay home with our kids. I was the bread winner for a short time after college.

A decade later, we've fallen into fairly stereotypical gender roles. He's the bread winner and I've cut back my hours at work to spend more time with our daughter and take on the majority of housework. What can I say, we play to our strengths as a couple. It's still possible that one day I would be the bread winner and D would be a SAHD, but I know the stress level that comes with the salary increase and I don't want to take that leap. And while D would be a great SAHD, we'd need a housekeeper.

One of my moms in my mom group is a doctor and the bread winner in her marriage. Her husband stays home with their daughter during the week while she works, then he works weekends. She says that she is proud of her career and never thought she would mind being the bread winner, but now that she has a child, she finds it stressful being the mom and the bread winner. She had a tougher time going back to work than she thought she would and is frustrated that staying home, even part time, isn't a financial option. Now they are considering having another (when we first met, she was adamant about being one and done) and she doesn't know how she's going to handle it. Her husband is going back for his Master's to increase his earning potential. It's interesting because another mom in my mom group is a SAHM and misses being at work, but her husband really wants for her to stay home. They joke that the grass is always greener...

ETA: To answer the question, my husband is wealthier. And we still have our own bank accounts in addition to the joint account. I had a tough time combining any of our money even after we were married. Mentally I don't have as much of a problem with it now that we have a baby. I don't know why that is. I guess it's the shift from feeling like two independent adults to feeling like a family.

 

[chrono]

Due to my chosen professional field, I started off earning much more and had more cashflow than DH when we first married. He's caught up now but I am still close on his heels. Savings wise, I still am wealthier though. Both of us love our work and cannot imagine giving it up to stay at home. We have separate and joint accounts for different reasons. There is no question it is stressful to balance both work and home life but DH does his (almost) fair share. He does the cooking and cleaning when I am too busy and I take the trash out and mow the lawn when he is out of town on business.

 

[Haven]

DH makes more and comes from a wealthier background.
Of course, it's all "ours" now

Same here.

 

[CharmyPoo]

I have always made and will likely always make more money than my husband. With that said, my life will completely fall apart without him in it. He looks after me and the home in every way. People think I wear the pants in the relationship but he really does. We don't have traditional roles given he cooks, cleans, does the laundry ... but he also fixes the computer, electronics, takes out the garbage ... I guess he just does everything!

I actually think a lot of my poor housekeeping skills has to do with how I was raised. My MIL always enforced and made him do all the household chores. In my home, none of us did any - either our nanny or grandma did it. We were not well equipped to look after ourselves. I would definetly do it differently when I have kids.

 

[anne_h]

I outearn DH, but in net worth, we're probably about even if we include his pension (nice employer benefit) and my personal retirement savings.

We keep our financial accounts separate, I've always preferred that.

Anne

 

[Ximena]

Hi,

I am not sure if Kenny was asking about wealth or income/ They are two different measurements, but most answers have been about income.

I have more wealth, less income. Some things are in my name only.

Thank you. He definitely makes more but I don't owe anything. My assets [prior to marriage] will go to our child at certain age in chunks. Sorry, TMI.

 

[missy]

I have always made and will likely always make more money than my husband. With that said, my life will completely fall apart without him in it. He looks after me and the home in every way. People think I wear the pants in the relationship but he really does. We don't have traditional roles given he cooks, cleans, does the laundry ... but he also fixes the computer, electronics, takes out the garbage ... I guess he just does everything!

I actually think a lot of my poor housekeeping skills has to do with how I was raised. My MIL always enforced and made him do all the household chores. In my home, none of us did any - either our nanny or grandma did it. We were not well equipped to look after ourselves. I would definetly do it differently when I have kids.

OMG-me too Charmy! LOL. I thought I was the only one and was embarrassed to post this. My parents and friends cannot believe how lucky I am that my dh is so amazing. He does it all and I am not sure what I add to the mix except my great personality and undying love and loyalty. That has to account for something I guess haha. He cooks and bakes and cleans (thank you MIL), does the record keeping and bill paying, fixes things, builds things, gardens, takes out garbage etc. Basically everything. But ofc I love him not because of all this but because he is my soul mate. And the most wonderful person I know. He is amazing in every way. He is my rock and my soft place to fall when things get tough. He makes me a better person. And everyone who knows him loves him. (And he would be very embarrassed that I was gushing about him here but since he doesn't read PS it's OK).

 

[jaysonsmom]

My husband told me last night that he felt inadequate as a man because he is not the main breadwinner, so he wanted to apply for a higher position within his company, which would require more traveling. I had to talk him out of it because a) we don't need to make any more, and b) our kids would need to be with nannies if both of us were away long hours with demanding careers. Then, I showed him this thread...what is mine, I consider ours, and there are lots of you in relationships where the woman is making more, and society is totally okay with it. Besides, he is great with kids, all of my kids friends love him. He coaches a lot of sports too.

 

[Dancing Fire]

if i had her money i'll burn mine..

 

[redwood66]

The role reversal is interesting as it played a part when we were younger. DH made more $ working construction at the height than I when we met. But just before our twins were born (2 months) he got laid off. Big decision to make on what to do. I had to go back to work so we decided he would stay home as any job he got would all go to daycare. Best decision we ever made as he stayed home for 1.5 years. My job always earned more after that but I never felt ashamed or resentful. He is very close with our boys and after he went back to work we got opposing shifts to eliminate daycare altogether.

I tease him always that "what's mine is mine and what's his is mine" but really it is all one pool of money and I have to pay all the bills. He hates doing it.

 

[Jennifer W]

I don't know.