are any of you not planning on having children?

Dandi · Apr 19, 2009

Date: 4/18/2009 5:15:35 PM
Author: gwendolyn

J and I have had the same discussion for years now. We are engaged and getting married next year, and J is perfectly aware of the fact that maybe I will never want to have kids--I don't know. He understands that and sees us having a happy life together whether we have kids or not, and he says he will not feel resentful of me because I have been nothing but completely honest about it since we first started talking seriously about the future. I am 31 now and have no instincts or drive to be a mother, and do not want to pass on my genes to some poor, unsuspecting kid.

J doesn't have a huge desire to be a father--he's remarkably neutral on many issues--but leans a little more towards wanting one than not. He understands and respects my reasons not to want one and says he thinks we would make beautiful, wonderful children, but that he wouldn't want them with anyone but me, so leaving me for someone with whom he could have a family isn't an option for him. (Believe me, I thought we'd break up long ago over it, but he is steadfast in his desire to be with me.)

I have a feeling people will think our marriage is doomed to fail because of this fact, but they can think what they like. We have talked it over at least a hundred times, and has never blamed me or been angry at me for how I feel. When he tells me that he will be happy being with me, whether we have a family or not, I believe him. Even though it is guessing at the future (and his future feelings), he is the most trustworthy person I have ever known, and if he had a single iota of doubt about thoughts of a childless future with me, he would say so.

I hope I change my mind some day; one of the things I have told J is that we are so far from being settled and able to financially take care of ourselves (no house, no car, no pets, savings going towards immigration paperwork and the wedding) that the thought of having a baby to take care of sends thoughts of panic through me, not joy. When we are in a more stable environment, maybe I will feel differently. But maybe not. In the meantime, I'm going to trust in J that he's been honest with me and continue to plan our life together.

Oh Gwen, you are so adorable. I'd leap through the screen and give you a huge hug and kiss if I could!

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 18 months. He made it quite clear to me right from the beginning that kids were always on the cards for him, certainly not at that stage but he most definitely wants to be a dad by age 35, which is late next year. (When we first met I was only 17 so quite happt to wait!!!

)

Many of my ex-schoolmates were married and pregnant within a few years of finishing high school. Their prerogative of course, and most of them are blissfully enjoying being young mums. I however, can't fathom being a mother at my age (27), there is still so much for me to see and do pre-kiddies! Life generally has a way of working itself out, but I guess it's just not on my agenda just now. Plus, I love my career and life with DH as it is, and don't want anything to change yet (back to the selfish thing on my part!

)

I daresay we will have children within the next few years when I feel more 'ready' (is there any such thing as reeeally ready??!) as I know DH would be a wonderful dad, and I would enjoy motherhood in time. Fortunately I'm in a career where I can pick and choose when I work, so all going well I would hopefully find the work-family balance I feel I would need. However, if we don't have children, we will still have a wonderful life together.

bee* · Apr 19, 2009

I definitely think that it''s something that needs to be worked out and talked about prior to marriage. A colleague of mine has just split up with her husband as they couldn''t agree on it and she really doesn''t want to stay in the marriage any longer if children aren''t a possibility. I was firmly in the no kids camp a few years ago but I''ve come around to the idea. I will only graduate when I''m 29 so D and I have decided that we would like to try when I''m about 33 and see what happens. We would be perfectly happy together if kids didn''t come along but we would definitely regret not trying for them.

Steel · Apr 19, 2009

I have not read all the replies but thought I would add this:

Up to two years ago I swore we would never have children. Then something clicked in us and we have decided to have them in a couple of years.

My advice is to keep your mind open for your future feeling - whatever they may be. You never know you may want kids in 5 years and your DH (to be) may not! So you should try to talk through your feelings now and when/if they arise in the future.

LadyBlue · Apr 19, 2009

Well, this is something hard, because maybe he wants children but he does not want to lose you as eather.

Before getting married, both of you should be totally in the same page. Because if he still wanting kids, maybe at some point that will bring a huge problems in the marrieged,.

PilsnPinkysMom · Apr 19, 2009

Eh, this is a toughie. I think it''s pretty difficult to predict whether you''ll change your mind or not. Like everyone else said, the important thing is to seriously discuss with your SO that you MAY NOT ever lean towards having babes of your own. If he is ''cool'' (genuinely cool/ok/fine) with that possibility, then *knock on wood* you''ll be fine. It sounds to me that he''s pretty certain he''d like a brood of his own.

If you''re truly on the fence, make sure he knows it. If he''s content with the mere possibility of you potentially having a baby, great! If he honestly believes in his heart-of-hearts that you''ll change your mind and FOR SURE wanna be a mom, you''ve got a problem.

I''m pretty young (23) and never had a real baby-drive or maternal instinct. Then I managed infant-care in a day-care-center and realized, "Eh, not so bad." (Then again, I handed ''em off to mom/dad after 8 hours

) For me, I figured that if FI felt strongly about it, then I''d probably go the mommy route.

After an unplanned pregnancy this year, which was not carried to term, the mommy bug definitely bit me. We were forced to seriously consider all the options, what our life would be like, etc... And we were quite on the fence. It came down to our current life circumstances (Im full-time grad student, living away from family/friends, renting, no health insurance, still unwed) It made us realize that we really DO want to be parents- but when we can adequately provide for a child and one of us can be a SAHP (just something we wish to do).

No saying you need to get preggo to decide if you actually WANT to be (in fact, I realllllly advise you not to

) but it sealed the deal for us. (Well, in 5-7-10-12 years, anyway). I''m not sure how I''d feel had I not had that experience.

asscher_girl · Apr 19, 2009

DH and I are not having children. I''m 27, he''s 32, I''ve never wanted children (or like them for that matter, yes harsh, but at least I''m honest

) Way before we got married, probably only a few months into us dating, I told him I didn''t want children. Back then he said he could go either way but he really didn''t care. He knew what he was in for when he married me

People always tell me "oh you''ll change your mind"... well yeah I guess I could, but I really don''t think I''ll ever change my mind. We have our two little boys (furbabies: cats) and we''re very happy with them.

Luckily my parents are super supportive of my/our decison and the inlaws know too and they are okay with it. So I only get pressure and lots of questions from co-workers/ people I don''t know. All of my close friends know me well enough to know that I really shouldn''t have kids LOL

And since it is PS...... all the more money to spend on BLING! hehe

zhuzhu · Apr 19, 2009

I love children and animals. However I do no love "parenthood". They are quite different from each other, and neither is selfish.

Cartwheel · Apr 19, 2009

As many others have recommended, this is something that really needs to be figured out before tying the knot. I''ve seen or heard of many couples that didn''t think this through and come to common ground before the marriage. It was at the very least an enormous point of contention.

I''m 32 and bf is 34. We have discussed this and right now we both agree that kids won''t quite fit into the life we want to enjoy together, but I know better than to ever say never. I get annoyed when people tell me that I''ll change my mind, but I am beginning to get it. Two years ago I would feel nothing around babies. Now, however, some babies just set the clock pounding like crazy (not all babies, but some). I know though that seeing a cute baby is completely different than being a parent. That''s the part I just don''t think I can handle, be good at, or, most importantly, enjoy. I''ve been told many times from other parents that I can''t really know until I have a child of my own, but there is no trial period with parenting and I don''t want to wake up and resent my child, my husband, or myself. Yes, it''s possible that I will wake up in 5, 10, or 15 years and want to be a mom, but I''ll address that when (if?) I get there. I can''t live my life and make huge commitments based on the what-ifs. Until then, I check in periodically with the bf to make sure that we are still on the same page and that our goals (together and separate) are in line.

Good luck with the discussion. You''ve gotten a ton of really great feedback on this post!!!

Blackpaw · Apr 19, 2009

oooh this is very interesting.

I''ve never wanted kids. And quite frankly ive never liked them....i didnt even find babies cute!

My SO does not want kids. He doesnt come at it from the angle of ''i cant stand the buggers!'' though, he prefers the lifestyle we could have without them...

About two weeks ago i cane across the pregnant pricescopers thread and have become very curious about the whole pregnancy thing. So now i seem to find babies cute (when they''re being quiet!), but still dont like older children much. Im worried that this is me starting to change my mind.

SO has said that if i did he would pretty much suck it up, again because his decision not to is a lifestyle choice. So im kinda covered there. But im stubborn and i dont want everyone to think they were right that i changed my mind.

Plus theres the still disliking older children (as in of walking age?). Plus a rather intense fear and distrust of the whole birth thing (c-section for me thanks

). So i dont know that im cut out for it really.

basically im confused... can you tell?

Oh and the ''selfish'' debate is very interesting. Ive always been of the mindset that having children biologically is an inherently selfish act. If it wasnt, TTC and IVF wouldnt exist, and adoption wouldnt be, for most not all, a last resort. Not to mention the fact that this planet clearly dont need no more humans!! So really we''re all selfish either way

Blackpaw · Apr 19, 2009

Cartwheel great point about ''seeing a cute baby'' being different from being a parent

MishB · Apr 20, 2009

I''m in the definitely not category, I''ve never wanted to be a mother. And I''m almost 41 so I doubt I am going to change my mind. My husband probably would have quite happily had children (and he would make a fantastic father), had he not met me. We discussed it at great length and he was adamant he wanted me and no kids rather than a family with anyone else.

And T-Gal, it''s got nothing to do with detesting children, I''m a doting aunt and I used to be a girl scout leader.

Kelli · Apr 20, 2009

I wanted to chime in, because I too know a marriage that is currently breaking up because one partner wanted kids and the other didn''t. It''s actually a really ugly situation, with pregnancies and affairs and everything. Really think about whether or not you''ll ever change your mind, or whether he''d really be ok with never having any. That''s a hard compromise to make.

Btw, I''m not sure if I''ll have any or not. DF is on the same page. He says he never once thought he just HAD to be a father, but he''d be excited if he was. I''m 27 and have no baby fever yet, nor did I ever really dream of having children. Plus, I''m scared to death about actually being pregnant and having to go through with the birth process. But I also said that I NEVER wanted to get married. Then one day I woke up and decided I couldn''t wait to have a wedding-- and again-- that is something I never really "dreamed of" like a lot of girls do. I''m guessing one day I''ll wake up with baby fever big time, then I''ll start trying. We''ve also talked about maybe having one and adopting one IF we decide to have kids. Who knows? I''m just gonna try to get through my actual wedding first!

MustangGal · Apr 20, 2009

I don''t think you would have to completely iron out the issue before marriage, becuase you never know who might change their mind.

I didn''t really want kids, but DH did. We got married at 21 and 22, and I just figured it was something we would work out later and had plenty of time. After 5 years of marriage he got the baby bug, and started buggin me. His brother had just had a baby, and he thought it was our turn. I still had no maternal drive, and my clock wasn''t ticking yet, so we set some goals and gave ourselves a little more time. Last year, after 7 yeasr of marriage, we started trying. After 5 months I kinda thought that mabe it wouldn''t happen, and that it wouldn''t be an issue and we would move on, and then I got pregnant!

I now have a cute 2 month old baby, still no real manternal drive, but parenthood really isn''t as bad as I thought it would be. Neither was pregnancy, and at least for me, it wasn''t that hard on my body. You can have a baby and still look good. I only have 5 pounds left to loose, and look just like I did before.

If you''re young, you do have time to work out the kinks. Marriage is about compromise, which will be the next issue with DH and I, he wants 2 kids and I''m happy just having this one!

fieryred33143 · Apr 20, 2009

Date: 4/20/2009 12:47:48 PM
Author: MustangGal
I don''t think you would have to completely iron out the issue before marriage, becuase you never know who might change their mind.

Totally disagree.

I think before marriage you need to be on the same page with your decision on children and perhaps even discuss what should happen in the event that someone changes their mind. I agree that she or her FI may change their mind but it needs to be worked out before marriage. Having one partner say "I want kids" and another say "I don''t want kids" and still get married is setting yourself up for failure IMHO

hoofbeats95 · Apr 20, 2009

I guess I''m an "on the fence" girl. I love kids. But I love to give them back. Some people don''t realize that little detail about me. They think "she loves kids - she should be a mom".

Whatever.

However, my brother recently had a baby and now I''m second guessing. Maybe because it''d finally hit close enough to home. However, I feel my biological clock ticking. I''m 30. We are not married and haven''t set a date. We want to build a house before we consider kids. Weddings and houses take time. I refuse to have a baby after 35. Not to mention that he''s already 37. I don''t want to be old parents and we are on the verge imo. I want that "happily married - new house - no kids" time.

FI wants to have kids. He wanted to in his first marriage and she didn''t. (Thank GOD!) He farms and the farm is being passed down to him from his father. I think he''d like to do the same. Of course I wouldn''t want my kid to be a farmer. I grew up a farmer''s daughter and had no intention of being a farmer''s wife!

I feel I''m too selfish to have kids. My riding hobby takes a lot of time. I don''t want to give up riding to be pregnant. I would''t give up riding to be home with baby either. I''d prefer not to work full time if I had a baby. But I really make the money in the relationship. So it''s complicated. But I like my life as it is. I like being to go wherever, whenever without worrying about babies. Seeing what my brother is going through magnifies that. So who knows. . .

April20 · Apr 20, 2009

Date: 4/20/2009 2:02:56 PM
Author: hoofbeats95
I guess I''m an ''on the fence'' girl. I love kids. But I love to give them back. Some people don''t realize that little detail about me. They think ''she loves kids - she should be a mom''.

Whatever.

However, my brother recently had a baby and now I''m second guessing. Maybe because it''d finally hit close enough to home. However, I feel my biological clock ticking. I''m 30. We are not married and haven''t set a date. We want to build a house before we consider kids. Weddings and houses take time. I refuse to have a baby after 35. Not to mention that he''s already 37. I don''t want to be old parents and we are on the verge imo. I want that ''happily married - new house - no kids'' time.

FI wants to have kids. He wanted to in his first marriage and she didn''t. (Thank GOD!) He farms and the farm is being passed down to him from his father. I think he''d like to do the same. Of course I wouldn''t want my kid to be a farmer. I grew up a farmer''s daughter and had no intention of being a farmer''s wife!

I feel I''m too selfish to have kids. My riding hobby takes a lot of time. I don''t want to give up riding to be pregnant. I would''t give up riding to be home with baby either. I''d prefer not to work full time if I had a baby. But I really make the money in the relationship. So it''s complicated. But I like my life as it is. I like being to go wherever, whenever without worrying about babies. Seeing what my brother is going through magnifies that. So who knows. . .

This is me exactly. I have no real desire to have them, but could go either way. That way is NOT having them as DH doesn''t want them and I''m completely okay with it. I love our life.

That being said, I have two nieces. One is 14 months, the other 7 months. Every time I go home and see them, I have the best time but when my grandfather sees me with them, he literally starts to beg me to have one. He can''t understand that while I love the girls and have the best time with them, I am completely content handing them back and going on about my business. I''ve told him that I''m not popping one out so he can have another great-grandbaby. My siblings can have them and I''ll play with them.

gwendolyn · Apr 20, 2009

Date: 4/19/2009 1:41:19 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/18/2009 10:06:27 PM

Author: thing2of2

I don''t think you have to necessarily detest kids to not want any. I''m sort of on the fence myself, but am leaning towards no kids. (That could change if a biological clock of some kind kicks in, though-I know better than to say never!)

My fiance is on the same page as me-he knows we will be perfectly happy without kids, but he''s not 100% opposed to them, either. We''ve been dating for 6 years and living together for about 3 years, so I think we have a fairly good idea of what our life will be like without kids.

For now, though, I have no desire to be pregnant or have a kid! And I know plenty of people who are child free by choice and they certainly don''t detest kids...they just don''t want one of their own for various reasons.

Click to expand...

LOL, I probably was being a bit harsh. But you said you yourself are on the fence. Most people who without a doubt KNOW they do not want children ever ever EVER and knew this all their life really can''t stand kids.

OR

They just love themselves and their lifestyle more. Nothing wrong with that.

ETA, not talking about people with medical or genetic concerns. Usually they think of what could potentially happen to the baby and think it would be better for all if they didn''t go down that road.

I don''t think it''s that simple. Some people aren''t financially stable into their later child-bearing years and feel it would be irresponsible to have a child if that means they''d have to live off welfare. Some people don''t care, but some do, and those who are on the fence may refrain from trying for kids if they aren''t totally committed to having them if it means they''d be literally in the poor house.

My situation is a combination of the above (lack of financial stability) and a concern over a medical condition (one that J doesn''t consider as serious as I do). We are just barely scraping by, and can''t even afford a cat for a couple of years, let alone a baby. We have so much coming up over the next few years that I can''t see far enough ahead to be able to imagine myself settled and ready to seriously consider having a baby. And, for the record, I am a teacher (and a pretty good one, to be honest). I love kids. My friends and family tell me I''m really good with them and that I''d make a great mom. I can''t give any solid reason for not wanting kids; I just don''t. Maybe that will change, but if it doesn''t, it''s not because I can''t stand children or because I''ll be wrapped up in designer threads and jet-setting around the world.

MustangGal · Apr 20, 2009

I think completely planning your life before you get married takes away from the adventure that marriage is. I agree that things need to be discussed, but by setting your life in stone there''s no freedom for change, and things can get stale and also end in failure.

princesss · Apr 20, 2009

Date: 4/20/2009 2:28:40 PM
Author: MustangGal
I think completely planning your life before you get married takes away from the adventure that marriage is. I agree that things need to be discussed, but by setting your life in stone there''s no freedom for change, and things can get stale and also end in failure.

But by not making sure you''re on the same page for major life decisions, you''re also potentially setting one partner up for either a lifetime of resentment, or a possibly nasty divorce.

Personally, I''d rather life be an adventure and my marriage be the stability. And for stability, I need to know that I can rely on somebody and trust that we are working towards the same goals.

But that''s just me.

simplysplendid · Apr 20, 2009

Date: 4/18/2009 4:02:31 PM
Author: jstarfireb
Faye, we must be alter egos or something, because I am in the *exact* same situation. I say the same thing as you, he says the same as your FI, my family/friends all say the same as yours...and we''re getting married in a few weeks.

My biggest issue with having kids is what pregnancy and childbirth do to your body. I would consider adopting, but he wouldn''t. Which is funny because his mom was adopted.

I dunno about changing my mind...everyone says I will, but I''m 26 now and have never had any maternal instinct or desire to have kids. I don''t even think kids are cute.

Are you concerned about pre existing medical conditions? Or are you concerned about how your look after your pregnancy? If it is the latter, no offence, I don''t think it is a real concern for not having a baby. You can manage this through having proper diet and exercise and you can get back in shape. If it is due to a pre-existing medical concern, you should talk to a doctor about it and modern medicine is so advance that it has assisted many women who cannot have children have children.

It sounds to me like you are scared of the process of pregnancy rather than not wanting children. For majority of the ladies who lives in the modern world, hardly any maternal exist when you are 26, probably even before you are 30. I think nowadays, maternal instinct generally kicks in when the biological clock is ticking away and is fast approaching the magical number - 35, the age where most people think is the drop dead age for having the first child, when "its now or never".

simplysplendid · Apr 20, 2009

Date: 4/19/2009 11:06:36 PM
Author: cartwheel
As many others have recommended, this is something that really needs to be figured out before tying the knot. I''ve seen or heard of many couples that didn''t think this through and come to common ground before the marriage. It was at the very least an enormous point of contention.

I''m 32 and bf is 34. We have discussed this and right now we both agree that kids won''t quite fit into the life we want to enjoy together, but I know better than to ever say never. I get annoyed when people tell me that I''ll change my mind, but I am beginning to get it. Two years ago I would feel nothing around babies. Now, however, some babies just set the clock pounding like crazy (not all babies, but some). I know though that seeing a cute baby is completely different than being a parent. That''s the part I just don''t think I can handle, be good at, or, most importantly, enjoy. I''ve been told many times from other parents that I can''t really know until I have a child of my own, but there is no trial period with parenting and I don''t want to wake up and resent my child, my husband, or myself. Yes, it''s possible that I will wake up in 5, 10, or 15 years and want to be a mom, but I''ll address that when (if?) I get there. I can''t live my life and make huge commitments based on the what-ifs. Until then, I check in periodically with the bf to make sure that we are still on the same page and that our goals (together and separate) are in line.

Good luck with the discussion. You''ve gotten a ton of really great feedback on this post!!!

When you are a mother, there will be days that you will wake up resenting your husband and child, especially on difficult days, and it is perfectly normal and human. And when you do, it is time for a little break, a little time for yourself before your reconnect with your husband and child and you will find yourself loving them much much more. Unfortunately, you are right that there is no trial period for having a baby. You can only get yourself ready in terms of getting yourself in the right state of health physically, emotionally and financially. As for parenthood, you pretty much plunge into it and I believe in most cases, people do enjoy it.

simplysplendid · Apr 20, 2009

Date: 4/20/2009 6:58:04 AM
Author: MishB
I''m in the definitely not category, I''ve never wanted to be a mother. And I''m almost 41 so I doubt I am going to change my mind. My husband probably would have quite happily had children (and he would make a fantastic father), had he not met me. We discussed it at great length and he was adamant he wanted me and no kids rather than a family with anyone else.

And T-Gal, it''s got nothing to do with detesting children, I''m a doting aunt and I used to be a girl scout leader.

At this time in your life, if you are still certain that kids are not for you, I can respect that decision without any judgement. I also have known several colleagues who has made this decision and they are well into their late 40s now. They enjoy seeing pictures of children and they enjoy being uncles or aunties but they just chosen not to have children of their own.

CNOS128 · Apr 20, 2009

I do want children (although I didn''t always, only since about age 27 / meeting my fiance). He wants children, too. But we''ve talked about many of the possibilities, including what we''ll do if we have trouble conceiving (adopt, IVF, nothing?); when we might like to start trying; if who''s going to stay home with them, if either of us.
And recently, we''ve discussed at what combined income level we''d be comfortable having children, and the possibility of not having the children we both want if we''re not at that income level.

He didn''t really want to talk about the "bad" stuff, but I insisted - because I''ve seen so many people get divorced when they disagreed over one of the aforementioned issues.

Lots of people don''t want kids for lots of reasons, and I think absolutely every reason is a legitimate one. But I do think that both people involved should have a meeting of the minds on the issue at least at some point prior to marriage. Whether that changes or not can''t really be helped...

dendon · Apr 20, 2009

Before we got engaged, we talked about children and we both felt the same way, no kiddies for us! We have one cat and she is my baby!

Also, hubby can be a child sometimes too!!

So when people ask if I have kids, I say yes, 2, husband and cat, LOL!!

jstarfireb · Apr 20, 2009

Date: 4/20/2009 2:44:28 PM
Author: simplysplendid
Are you concerned about pre existing medical conditions? Or are you concerned about how your look after your pregnancy? If it is the latter, no offence, I don''t think it is a real concern for not having a baby. You can manage this through having proper diet and exercise and you can get back in shape. If it is due to a pre-existing medical concern, you should talk to a doctor about it and modern medicine is so advance that it has assisted many women who cannot have children have children.

It sounds to me like you are scared of the process of pregnancy rather than not wanting children. For majority of the ladies who lives in the modern world, hardly any maternal exist when you are 26, probably even before you are 30. I think nowadays, maternal instinct generally kicks in when the biological clock is ticking away and is fast approaching the magical number - 35, the age where most people think is the drop dead age for having the first child, when ''its now or never''.

No offense taken of course! I am absolutely 100% scared of the pregnancy process, no doubt about it. But as a doctor in training who has rotated through OB and the labor & delivery floor, I must respectfully disagree that all of the problems caused by pregnancy can be managed with diet and exercise. And people might call me vain for this, but I don''t want to have stretch marks, bladder incontinence, or dropped uterus.

But the pregnancy/labor issue is only part of the whole mix...a big part, yes, but not the only part. If I truly wanted kids, I think I could eventually get over that (combined with an elective c-section and enough money for future plastic surgery). The reason it''s such a big hangup for me is that I have no desire to raise them in the first place. So while I focus on the body issues, I think the full picture is that no part of me wants them, body or mind.

trillionaire · Apr 21, 2009

I agree with others, this is a very important issue that you all should talk about until you come to a consensus that you can both live with. I don''t want children, though I love them, think they are cute and fascinating. I also think that it is absurdly odd that babies are little people that are created and didn''t exist before. That just totally weirds me out. I look at them in wonderment, but can''t think of a reason that I would personally want one. I really can''t relate to parents talking about how wonderful and fulfilling it is to have kids, and I am totally unexcited about the idea of a huge lifestyle shift.

I am 26 though, and I reserve the right to change my mind and adopt. (no bio kids, I work with kids in the foster system and think that exisiting kids need parents first and foremost!)

I think that it''s nuts that my peers have kids. To me, it sounds like a prison sentence. They love their kids, and some families are very happy, and others are very unhappy with the strain of kids. SO does not really want kids, so it''s not really an issue for us, but he sometimes mentions wanting to carry on his family name. I just hope his brother pops another kid so we won''t have to worry about it. And I am terrified about the biological clock thing. I told SO I wanted a tubal, and he freaked a little, but after he thought about it, he was saying I should get one on the same day as out wedding, lol!

zhuzhu · Apr 21, 2009

I think having or not having children is a very personal decision that only the "candidate parents" can decide what is right for them. I would never dream of trying to convince others to be or not become parents.

For the benefit of the children though, if someone is not mentally ready or willing to make the sacrifices for the best interest of their children, I "wish" they would not have them just for the sake of "it is time".

nytemist · Apr 21, 2009

I do not want children. Never have, never will. Now, I know many think (and I''ve been told so much) ''oh you will change your mind'', ''what happens when you are older'', you''re so selfish'' and other put-downs. Drives me insane. Trust me, I know my mind by this age.

When my husband and I were dating andout 3-4 months, he was thinking that he wanted 2 or 3 kids. I said, well this wo''t go any further because I do not. He said he would think about a few more months. After a while he decided it was much more iimprtant to have me in his life rather than kids he wasn''t completely sure he wanted.

It''s is a must that couples agree on this. No assuming that someone might change their mind, no trying to convince the other to do so, none of that. I''ve seen what the resentment does to people. A friend of mine adamantly did not want to be a mother and accidently got pregnant (antibiotics cancelling out her BC) She and her husband agreed to terminate. A week later, he turned on her. They were having a barbecue and a bunch of us were over and at one point she went to give him a hug and he snapped, don''t touch me you killed my baby. She was floored. We talked later and she said even though he agreed to abort, he though in his head that she wouldn''t go through it and was looking forward to having a child. They are now divorced.

It''s perfectly ok to not have children, although so many will tell you that ''you need to'', or ''it''s just what you do'', or you aren''t grown up unless you''re a parent. I always get wound up about this topic since I still get negative remarks about it.

Irishgrrrl · Apr 21, 2009

Date: 4/21/2009 10:15:06 AM
Author: nytemist
I do not want children. Never have, never will. Now, I know many think (and I''ve been told so much) ''oh you will change your mind'', ''what happens when you are older'', you''re so selfish'' and other put-downs. Drives me insane. Trust me, I know my mind by this age.

When my husband and I were dating andout 3-4 months, he was thinking that he wanted 2 or 3 kids. I said, well this wo''t go any further because I do not. He said he would think about a few more months. After a while he decided it was much more iimprtant to have me in his life rather than kids he wasn''t completely sure he wanted.

It''s is a must that couples agree on this. No assuming that someone might change their mind, no trying to convince the other to do so, none of that. I''ve seen what the resentment does to people. A friend of mine adamantly did not want to be a mother and accidently got pregnant (antibiotics cancelling out her BC) She and her husband agreed to terminate. A week later, he turned on her. They were having a barbecue and a bunch of us were over and at one point she went to give him a hug and he snapped, don''t touch me you killed my baby. She was floored. We talked later and she said even though he agreed to abort, he though in his head that she wouldn''t go through it and was looking forward to having a child. They are now divorced.

It''s perfectly ok to not have children, although so many will tell you that ''you need to'', or ''it''s just what you do'', or you aren''t grown up unless you''re a parent. I always get wound up about this topic since I still get negative remarks about it.

Nytemist, you and I have talked about this before, and it still just BOGGLES MY MIND that people think of us as "selfish" because we don''t want kids. WTF??? Wouldn''t it be so much *more* selfish to have a child when your heart really isn''t in being a parent? Parenting isn''t an easy job by any means, and it''s just not for everyone (DH and I included)! I wish people would respect our decision and not be so judgmental.

vespergirl · Apr 21, 2009

Date: 4/21/2009 10:41:22 AM
Author: Irishgrrrl

Date: 4/21/2009 10:15:06 AM
Author: nytemist
I do not want children. Never have, never will. Now, I know many think (and I''ve been told so much) ''oh you will change your mind'', ''what happens when you are older'', you''re so selfish'' and other put-downs. Drives me insane. Trust me, I know my mind by this age.

When my husband and I were dating andout 3-4 months, he was thinking that he wanted 2 or 3 kids. I said, well this wo''t go any further because I do not. He said he would think about a few more months. After a while he decided it was much more iimprtant to have me in his life rather than kids he wasn''t completely sure he wanted.

It''s is a must that couples agree on this. No assuming that someone might change their mind, no trying to convince the other to do so, none of that. I''ve seen what the resentment does to people. A friend of mine adamantly did not want to be a mother and accidently got pregnant (antibiotics cancelling out her BC) She and her husband agreed to terminate. A week later, he turned on her. They were having a barbecue and a bunch of us were over and at one point she went to give him a hug and he snapped, don''t touch me you killed my baby. She was floored. We talked later and she said even though he agreed to abort, he though in his head that she wouldn''t go through it and was looking forward to having a child. They are now divorced.

It''s perfectly ok to not have children, although so many will tell you that ''you need to'', or ''it''s just what you do'', or you aren''t grown up unless you''re a parent. I always get wound up about this topic since I still get negative remarks about it.

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Nytemist, you and I have talked about this before, and it still just BOGGLES MY MIND that people think of us as ''selfish'' because we don''t want kids. WTF??? Wouldn''t it be so much *more* selfish to have a child when your heart really isn''t in being a parent? Parenting isn''t an easy job by any means, and it''s just not for everyone (DH and I included)! I wish people would respect our decision and not be so judgmental.

I totally agree with you guys on this - there is nothing wrong with wanting children or not wanting them - people shouldn''t be judged for either decision. It is great that you guys are in relationships where everyone is on the same page. How awful that people would judge your choices or call you selfish - there''s nothing wrong with knowing what you want out of life.

are any of you not planning on having children?

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