Anyone been through a divorce before? Seeking advice.

[monarch64]

I think I'm going to heal leaps and bounds once I leave. I appreciate you saying this is not a failure. It feels a lot like one. I always thought a successful relationship was one that lasted forever, but I think it's that attitude that led to some complacency on my part and contributed to the demise of my marriage. The thought of dating again freaks me out a little, but that's really excellent advice on how to handle it. Thank you for your kindness.

Please move out of that apartment.. soon! As in this weekend? Perhaps you can stay on the couch with a friend (perhaps a male one to drive your DH a little crazy, he has deserved that, lol) or live under a bridge or something? The bridge part might be a joke, but it might still be better for you.. I feel like perhaps your DH is not exactly doing good things for your self-confidence or positive thinking these days.. Just move? And come back for the stuff that is yours when you are able to and there is room for it at your parents? I don't mean to put pressure on you, just think you deserve better than this. Hugs!

I would check on getting a restraining order (pertaining to property, not to him or her) first so he can't break or vandalize her things if she leaves them in the apartment, nor stop her (encumber) her from getting them later. Has anyone filed/been served divorce petition yet? Ask for a temporary provisional hearing so these matters can be clarified and he can't cause any further harm. I left a ton of things behind when I left my first marriage and even though he told me I could come and get them any time, by the time I was ready, he claimed he had moved and everything of mine was ruined in a flood in his new buiding's basement. I had no recourse.

 

[azstonie]

I always thought a successful relationship was one that lasted forever, but I think it's that attitude that led to some complacency on my part and contributed to the demise of my marriage. The thought of dating again freaks me out a little, but that's really excellent advice on how to handle it. Thank you for your kindness.

Please move out of that apartment.. soon! As in this weekend? Perhaps you can stay on the couch with a friend (perhaps a male one to drive your DH a little crazy, he has deserved that, lol) or live under a bridge or something? The bridge part might be a joke, but it might still be better for you.. I feel like perhaps your DH is not exactly doing good things for your self-confidence or positive thinking these days.. Just move? And come back for the stuff that is yours when you are able to and there is room for it at your parents? I don't mean to put pressure on you, just think you deserve better than this. Hugs!

I would check on getting a restraining order (pertaining to property, not to him or her) first so he can't break or vandalize her things if she leaves them in the apartment, nor stop her (encumber) her from getting them later. Has anyone filed/been served divorce petition yet? Ask for a temporary provisional hearing so these matters can be clarified and he can't cause any further harm. I left a ton of things behind when I left my first marriage and even though he told me I could come and get them any time, by the time I was ready, he claimed he had moved and everything of mine was ruined in a flood in his new buiding's basement. I had no recourse.[/quote]
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First Bolded Comment: "A successful relationship was one that lasted forever."

I had the same reaction when my first marriage ended. One of the changes in thinking that resulted from it was I reevaluated what a successful relationship is and what we may expect from ourselves and our partners in life. In my case, I had vague and nonspecific notions of marriage before I was married the first time. I for sure never contemplated DIVORCE, , that was for much older cynical people, not me and my DH. With some years and life experiences behind you (including watching what happens to your friends and coworkers), I think the realization comes that life can be tough, unfair and awful things happen that are purely out of your control yet they destroy all your "illusions of love." (Stevie Nicks, anyone?) I had the blinding flash of the obvious that I married a man who couldn't go the distance; he was 36 years old when we married but emotionally/developmentally he was more like 16 or 17 years old. He wasn't capable of the kind of self-awareness it would take to keep the marriage going. The best thing I did was to let him/the marriage go without further fight on my part and to get on with my own life. Perhaps its time for your soon-to-be-ex to strike out on his own. It's definitely time for him to cut you loose while he does all the things he wants to do regardless of the impact on you.

Second bolded comment from monarch regarding property/damage/the law: Its called Criminal Damage and its serious. Its a misdemeanor that if occurs more than once, becomes a FELONY. It has classes based on the value of the item destroyed or damaged: $250-500, $500-1000, etc. You mostly see criminal damage in domestic violence cases when one spouse breaks something jointly owned---if the police are so inclined, they charge that spouse with criminal damage.

I was charged with criminal damage this year when I went to get into my car in a parking lot---I was parked in by an Escalade. I asked the driver if he would move his car back 2' so I could open my driver's door. He said no. He got angry with me and I got scared and I got in my car somehow in that moment of fright. He called the police after I left and told them OVER THE PHONE that I had dented and scratched his car door. The cop never went to see his car or the purported "damage." I was charged with criminal property damage and arraigned. I have paid $5k for a criminal defense attorney and I'll probably wind up paying this guy @$2k in 'restitution' (I call it extortion). I will have something called a misdemeanor compromise because I'm willing to pay the extortion amount, but I WILL ALWAYS HAVE AN ARREST RECORD for criminal damage.

So yep, anyone damages or breaks your stuff and you want restitution or consequences for the other person, call the cops and have criminal damage charges filed.

(Note: I'm not going for a court trial on this charge for two reasons: Because the angry man in the parking lot is a firefighter in my town and my lawyer says that between the cop and the firefighter, I'll not be able to overcome their testimony in court. In addition, and more importantly, the firefighter and my husband both work for the city and the firefighter has a key card to enter any city building including my husband's office. So I'm paying up to preserve my peace of mind over my husband's day to day safety.)

 

[ihy138]

I think I'm going to heal leaps and bounds once I leave. I appreciate you saying this is not a failure. It feels a lot like one. I always thought a successful relationship was one that lasted forever, but I think it's that attitude that led to some complacency on my part and contributed to the demise of my marriage. The thought of dating again freaks me out a little, but that's really excellent advice on how to handle it. Thank you for your kindness.

Please move out of that apartment.. soon! As in this weekend? Perhaps you can stay on the couch with a friend (perhaps a male one to drive your DH a little crazy, he has deserved that, lol) or live under a bridge or something? The bridge part might be a joke, but it might still be better for you.. I feel like perhaps your DH is not exactly doing good things for your self-confidence or positive thinking these days.. Just move? And come back for the stuff that is yours when you are able to and there is room for it at your parents? I don't mean to put pressure on you, just think you deserve better than this. Hugs!

LOL to your comment about living under a bridge! Unless, that's preferable to all of my options right now. I've moved a good amount of my stuff and getting closer every day. Every day is spent working 8+ hours and then coming home to clean out either my apartment or my parents' house to make room for my stuff. I am honestly so exhausted at the end of the day I just want to sleep in MY bed, you know? My goal is to be settled by the end of this month. The positive thing is that I'm getting a lot of cardio in because these boxes are HEAVY. Hugs to you, too. Thank you for your concern and advice!

 

[ihy138]

I think I'm going to heal leaps and bounds once I leave. I appreciate you saying this is not a failure. It feels a lot like one. I always thought a successful relationship was one that lasted forever, but I think it's that attitude that led to some complacency on my part and contributed to the demise of my marriage. The thought of dating again freaks me out a little, but that's really excellent advice on how to handle it. Thank you for your kindness.

Please move out of that apartment.. soon! As in this weekend? Perhaps you can stay on the couch with a friend (perhaps a male one to drive your DH a little crazy, he has deserved that, lol) or live under a bridge or something? The bridge part might be a joke, but it might still be better for you.. I feel like perhaps your DH is not exactly doing good things for your self-confidence or positive thinking these days.. Just move? And come back for the stuff that is yours when you are able to and there is room for it at your parents? I don't mean to put pressure on you, just think you deserve better than this. Hugs!

I would check on getting a restraining order (pertaining to property, not to him or her) first so he can't break or vandalize her things if she leaves them in the apartment, nor stop her (encumber) her from getting them later. Has anyone filed/been served divorce petition yet? Ask for a temporary provisional hearing so these matters can be clarified and he can't cause any further harm. I left a ton of things behind when I left my first marriage and even though he told me I could come and get them any time, by the time I was ready, he claimed he had moved and everything of mine was ruined in a flood in his new buiding's basement. I had no recourse.

Thank you for the advice! This is precisely what I am worried about. Frankly I don't trust him with my stuff here. Not that I think he will purposely destroy anything, but he's so sloppy and lazy that I think my things will be destroyed just because they're around him. He's kind of like Pigpen from Charlie Brown. But I really don't think he's be vindictive like that, but I also didn't think he'd ever have an affair. I'm really sorry to hear what happened to your things. It can feel like you are losing your whole life in a divorce, and losing all your stuff just adds to that. Hugs to you!

 

[ihy138]

azstonie - Thank you, as always, for saying exactly what I'm feeling and thinking and trying to figure out! This experience has quite honestly shattered my world but also caused me to re-evaluate my opinion on relationships and love in general. I used to think that if I wanted this relationship enough for the both of us, then we would make it. We'd have to, right? Doesn't work that way. It takes, I think, a lot of insight into one's own behavior to make a relationship work. Like your ex, my husband does not have what it takes. And I just got sick of fighting for someone who doesn't know better than to fight for me. My mom is having a really hard time with this. Almost harder than I am. She can't quite understand that it's over, and keeps insinuating that I gave up too easily and "no relationship is perfect." I went through that stage a while back as well but it just became so clear to me that even though relationships are never easy, both parties should ideally want to be there for it to work. She's of the ilk that less than forever is a failure regardless of the circumstances. I find myself trying to convince her that he has been insufferable for the past year (he has) and I still wanted to make it work. Maybe eventually she will get to see things my way and realize that things happen. She's desperate for me to start dating again, but I'm just not there yet. Living there will be...interesting.

 

[Scandinavian]

Ihy, just wanted to tell you that you have grown so much already You are doing so well and your mother will understand. She is probably just upset because she thinks this will make you upset/sad, and she probably does not understand/know what has been going on. I assume you have not given them too much details.. Re the dating thing - I can relate - I also want you to date again It's just that we think you deserve true love Tons of hugs and good wishes!

 

[azstonie]

Big big hugs to you, ihy. Thank God I was 3,000 miles away from my parents when my marriage broke up.

Here's something that'll help your mom figure this out: Mom, he's done with me. He wants other women. He has closure.

 

[ihy138]

Ihy, just wanted to tell you that you have grown so much already You are doing so well and your mother will understand. She is probably just upset because she thinks this will make you upset/sad, and she probably does not understand/know what has been going on. I assume you have not given them too much details.. Re the dating thing - I can relate - I also want you to date again It's just that we think you deserve true love Tons of hugs and good wishes!

I've definitely given them a lot of the details because I've almost felt the need to defend what happened. But even with all the details, she didn't leave it. My step-father is taking it much better. Actually, his ex-wife did the same thing to him and he saw a lot of parallels between his ex-wife and my soon to be ex husband. He's been a great support. Lol, I will keep you updated on the dating thing. For now I'm just trying to get through the work day. I know it will get easier. Thanks for your support!

Big big hugs to you, ihy. Thank God I was 3,000 miles away from my parents when my marriage broke up.

Here's something that'll help your mom figure this out: Mom, he's done with me. He wants other women. He has closure.

I've said that before, and I think she gets that piece. She's angry, though, and asking a lot of questions that really should be directed at him but they haven't spoken so it's like I have to answer for him. Not sure how well this is going to go.

 

[Sunstorm]

Just from a legal standpoint, under the jurisdiction where I live you are obligated to safekeep any belongings of anyone that are left with you. Basically it goes under the laws of pawn. You may not throw out, destroy, damage or otherwise harm their belongings even if you do not want them in your place. The only thing you CAN do is give at least three notices legally and with the supervision of legal counsel have the person collect them at the end. In my case in my second divorce I had to keep my ex husband´s belongings which meants extra months of rent for me since I had not lived in that house and I was sued by the landlords later one, long story. Just saying this coin has two sides too. Generally speaking you do have recourse when your belongings are ruined but best have records or have a cop or counsel accompany you and take photos when you leave them. Vis maior like a flood would have to be proven. But I guess if you do not want to sue and go through trouble best take your stuff, which is what I would do or put them in storage at least. If they are not valuable to you, you could of course leave them. The most ridiculous thing about my ex´s stuff was that they looked like they belonged in a dumpster and there was nothing valuable in there, yet I lost a lot of money because he would not come and pick them up and I had long ago moved out from that house.

 

[december-fire]

ihy138,

I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time.

Sometimes the sadness of a divorce is not really about splitting up with the spouse.
Its sadness that what we hoped for isn't going to happen.
For example, the idea of getting married once and being with that person for the rest of our life.
It can also be sadness (shock, disappointment, etc.) to discover that our spouse is not the person we thought.
Its grieving the loss of what we thought our life would be, and the loss of our idea of who we thought our spouse was.
Its the loss of our expectations and impressions.

But looking at facts and reality:
If you met your spouse today, knowing what you know about his behaviour and things he has said and done, would you want to marry him or even be his friend?

Getting out of an unhappy/unhealthy relationship does not make a person a 'failure'.
Its smart and the right thing to do.

You're smart, possess more inner strength than you realize, and have a bright future ahead of you.

Don't expect your husband to act in your best interests or to be honest with family/friends about what happened.
He's demonstrated the value he puts on honesty and doing right by you.
He'll say whatever he wants to say to whomever he wants to say it.
That's his choice.
People who know you will know what to believe and what to ignore.
And, honestly, none of that's important.

Do what's right for you.
Talk to a therapist, figure out if there were red flags that you didn't notice early in the relationship (so that you'll spot those red flags next time), get the divorce over and done with, and think about what you want.

By the way, your 20s and 30s aren't really the best years of your life.

 

[ringo865]

Well put, DF. And so true.

 

[ihy138]

Sunstorm - thanks for sharing that information! It's good to know. Wow, what a horrible situation that must have been for you.

dancing fire - thank you for your comment and kind words. A lot of what you said resonated with me. This is definitely one of those times where something didn't turn out like I expected. I'm mourning what I thought my life was going to be. It is both exciting and scary to think that my future is wiiide open. He very much is not who I thought. People are complex and we have many layers. I've reached a layer that I'm disgusted by (I'm sure I have one of those, too), and it has opened my eyes to how selfish he is. He thinks only of himself and always has. It just wasn't a big deal because I'm very independent and completely not needy or clingy at all. If I needed more from him, I certainly wouldn't have gotten it. If I met him today, I wouldn't give him a second glance. Thank you for all the kindness you have offered me. I have been blown away by the sense of community I feel here. What decade should I look forward to? 40s? I sure hope it gets better than this.

 

[december-fire]

It isn’t a particular decade or age that’s best; life can just keep getting better.

Life continually offers us the potential to learn. If we pay attention to the opportunities for growth and wisdom (even when they come wrapped in heartbreak and struggle), we can learn about ourselves and others and make different choices in the future. This can lead to less stress, and a more peaceful life in which we do what’s right for us, spend our time doing what brings us joy and being with people who are positive factors in our life.

It takes time to learn how much in life is really a choice.
There are lots of messages from society about what we should do, but we have the choice of accepting those expectations or determining whether or not those expectations are right for us.

Just looking at the topic of marriage, there can be so many messages that are taken as facts; e.g., a woman should be married by a certain age, have a certain number of children, stay married till death, etc. These assumptions lead to people feeling like divorce is a ‘failure’, and therefore some people decide to marry, have children and stay married for life, when those may not be the best choices for the individuals (including children) involved in the situation.

We also have to learn that people are not all the same. We don’t all share the same values and a desire to treat others with consideration, kindness and respect. Just because you consider the feelings of another person, don’t assume that the other person will automatically consider your feelings.

When we meet someone and get to know them, there can be indications of their nature. As we learn to spot these signs, we can make more informed decisions about whether we want that person in our life. We don’t always learn things the first time around, so there are lots of people who repeat the same choices over and over again. For example, a woman may divorce an abusive man only to become involved with another man who is abusive. (Men go through the same things; I’m not implying its just women.)
I’m sorry you’re going through this difficult time. Despite the pain, I hope you’re able to examine what happened, why, and are there things to be learned so that you can make different choices in the future. If nothing else, I have no doubt that you’ll be understanding and supportive if a friend goes through a divorce in the future.

By the way, I’m divorced. In my case, there weren’t just red flags that I dismissed. There was an entire marching band with trombones and baton-twirlers! The divorce was irrationally expensive and long, but I consider it the price of freedom. And I never could have imagined how wonderful my life would become after my divorce.

Your life will absolutely get better!
The reason is because you are going to use your intelligence and inner strength to make it better.
You're not going to crumble, curl up in a little ball and feel sorry for yourself for the rest of your life waiting for a magical fairy to appear, wave a wand and sprinkle stardust over you.
Right now, you're probably feeling beaten up and wondering what the heck happened, and will happen. Its a terrible time. But those feelings will submit as your inner strength surfaces. Down the road, when faced with a challenge, you'll look back and realize that you got through this and you'll get through whatever lies ahead.

Sending you big hugs!