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Anyone been through a divorce before? Seeking advice.

ihy138

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Never thought I would say that at 28, but here I am. I hesitated to post this because not even my family knows, but I just need to get it out there. Here is a little back story -

I've been married 3 years, together with my husband for 7. Early this summer, he began to open up to me that he is not happy, hasn't been in a while, and he loves me but is not in love with me. He sought therapy to figure himself out. Soon after, I discovered that he was involved in an online relationship with someone from across the country who he has never met. She is also married, but it seems like they were making plans to be together at some point in the future and leave their respective marriages. Well, as I discovered my husband's affair, so did her husband. They both decided to cut off communication (I think more the mistress's decision than my husband, which says a lot), and work on their original relationships. My husband and I have been in counseling since then. We have been working really hard and I thought things were a lot better. Yesterday, he approached me and said he feels guilty, that I deserve better, and that we both should move on. He doesn't want to try anymore. Feels that we are great friends but nothing more.

I don't want a divorce, but I can't make him stay obviously. He makes me happy but it is not mutual. Does anyone have any advice that might make this experience easier? We don't have children or own property together, which I feel very fortunate about. He is willing to allow me to still see our beloved dog. I suspect he will want to do a no-fault divorce, which is allowed in our state. Our money is separate anyway, no shared accounts, etc. Our lease is up in March and I will probably be moving back in with my parents... :errrr:

Thanks for reading. It feels good just to talk about it.
 

momhappy

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I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish you all the strength you need to get through it.
 

OreoRosies86

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I obviously don't know all the details, but to me it sounds like he married you, promised a life together, had an online affair and changed his mind, and now wants a no fault divorce? He had an affair. Why is the best you get for 7 years of your life to move back in with your parents and him allowing you to see your dog sometimes?

No no no.
 

ihy138

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momhappy|1478179232|4093211 said:
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish you all the strength you need to get through it.
Thank you for your sweet words momhappy. That was very nice to hear.
 

ihy138

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Elliot86|1478179988|4093213 said:
I obviously don't know all the details, but to me it sounds like he married you, promised a life together, had an online affair and changed his mind, and now wants a no fault divorce? He had an affair. Why is the best you get for 7 years of your life to move back in with your parents and him allowing you to see your dog sometimes?

No no no.
Edited to add - Thank you for your feedback. :)

I guess I painted him quite the villain, eh? When I said he wants no-fault divorce, I meant that he will probably not want to drag me through the mud with lawyers, etc., and I actually would prefer that also. I think he's feeling so guilty that he would give me anything I wanted to be honest, but I don't want to make him a pauper and I really don't want this to get ugly. Most of our furniture and decor is mine and he knows that I will be taking that with me and he's fine with it. He's my best friend and I don't want to hurt him just out of spite, although he does not feel quite the same regard for me. Also, re: the dog. Our little boy was his first and then we moved in, and it really is his dog and my husband is his person. I wouldn't dream of having the little guy full-time because I don't think the dog would be happy that way.

But I agree with you on a lot of points. I could move in with a friend but why pay rent when I can live with my parents and save up money to pay off some debt? This is the only silver lining I can see at the moment. I do feel that I wasted the best years of my life with this person who was undeserving. I wish I never met him. :((
 

PierreBear

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Really sorry to hear about the trials. It is a very difficult situation and hope you find peace with it and can move on. Please know that there are better things/events in store for your future and this is just one point in time in your life.
 

missy

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ihy, I am very sorry you are going through such a traumatic experience but you will not only survive this you will thrive and you will look back on this and wonder how you thought the best years of your life were behind you.

You have the very best years ahead of you my dear and know that these years were not wasted years but instead a learning experience for which you will eventually be grateful and you will find a more deserving and loving life partner to share the very best years of your life with.

You are young and remember that. I didn't even meet my soulmate who is the love of my life and my bshert till my early 30s so do not think you are over the hill quite yet!


Sending you big hugs and love and we are here for you. And of course I highly recommend finding a good therapist to help you as well as trusted friends to get you through what is going to be a challenging time. But it is a time you will not only get through but will learn from and thrive because of and not in spite of. You will be OK. (((HUGS))).
 

OreoRosies86

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It's just frustrating to read because had you not found out about this affair and his plans to leave you, would he have ever even told you? That isn't acceptable in a "best friend" let alone a legally binding marriage.

I'm just saying he had/has responsibilities to you and the life you thought you were living. Do not accept anything less than you are worth. He doesn't want to go to a lawyer because if he does he will look really bad, and if YOU get a lawyer they will call him to account for his behavior. Of course he doesn't want you talking to a lawyer LOL! Don't let him tell you it's for your benefit and he doesn't want to put you through that etc. considering he is the reason you're in this situation. He made decisions that affected your entire life.

I am NOT suggesting you go on the warpath and ruin his life here. At least he was honest eventually. But let's call a spade a spade here. He wants to walk away from this and move on with his life, but he at least owes you what it will take for you to rebuild.

The good news you will rebuild and your life will be better for it!
 

ihy138

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Thank you, PierreBear. Your comment was really touching.

Missy - I appreciate your kind words. You have such sage advice and I always enjoy hearing your responses around the board. What you wrote gives me so much hope about the future. I'm not sure if I'm meant for marriage but I do think I am meant to be happy. I hope that I will someday find what you and your SO have.
 

ihy138

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Elliot86|1478181653|4093222 said:
It's just frustrating to read because had you not found out about this affair and his plans to leave you, would he have ever even told you? That isn't acceptable in a "best friend" let alone a legally binding marriage.

I'm just saying he had/has responsibilities to you and the life you thought you were living. Do not accept anything less than you are worth. He doesn't want to go to a lawyer because if he does he will look really bad, and if YOU get a lawyer they will call him to account for his behavior. Of course he doesn't want you talking to a lawyer LOL! Don't let him tell you it's for your benefit and he doesn't want to put you through that etc. considering he is the reason you're in this situation. He made decisions that affected your entire life.

I am NOT suggesting you go on the warpath and ruin his life here. At least he was honest eventually. But let's call a spade a spade here. He wants to walk away from this and move on with his life, but he at least owes you what it will take for you to rebuild.

The good news you will rebuild and your life will be better for it!
Elliot, thank you so much for writing this. I needed this perspective. I never think of my own worth. You're right, he made promises he was not prepared to keep. I'm very angry with him although it might seem like I am defending him. I always saw him as a genuinely nice guy, but he doesn't even know who he is anymore and neither do I. I have three friends who know, and they all said, "WHAT? He's the nicest guy in the world." Right, real nice.

I am hesitant to get a lawyer because, to be honest, neither of us are wealthy. I do feel I am owed something because of all the money that I put into our shared home and our lives together. Never mind what the wedding cost! :rolleyes: I kick myself for not saving the conversations I read between him and the mistress. I'm sure he's well covered his tracks by now and they have long since been deleted.
 

Bayek

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ihy138|1478179094|4093210 said:
Never thought I would say that at 28, but here I am. I hesitated to post this because not even my family knows, but I just need to get it out there. Here is a little back story -

I've been married 3 years, together with my husband for 7. Early this summer, he began to open up to me that he is not happy, hasn't been in a while, and he loves me but is not in love with me. He sought therapy to figure himself out. Soon after, I discovered that he was involved in an online relationship with someone from across the country who he has never met. She is also married, but it seems like they were making plans to be together at some point in the future and leave their respective marriages. Well, as I discovered my husband's affair, so did her husband. They both decided to cut off communication (I think more the mistress's decision than my husband, which says a lot), and work on their original relationships. My husband and I have been in counseling since then. We have been working really hard and I thought things were a lot better. Yesterday, he approached me and said he feels guilty, that I deserve better, and that we both should move on. He doesn't want to try anymore. Feels that we are great friends but nothing more.

I don't want a divorce, but I can't make him stay obviously. He makes me happy but it is not mutual. Does anyone have any advice that might make this experience easier? We don't have children or own property together, which I feel very fortunate about. He is willing to allow me to still see our beloved dog. I suspect he will want to do a no-fault divorce, which is allowed in our state. Our money is separate anyway, no shared accounts, etc. Our lease is up in March and I will probably be moving back in with my parents... :errrr:

Thanks for reading. It feels good just to talk about it.
My exhusband made me happy occassionally, but most times he was disdainful of me.. he told me he still loved me, like he loved his sister (ugh).. and he was involved with a girl who was 19 and he was 33.. (he went back to college to 'get his real degree in engineering') I flipped out, I felt I had put so much into the relationship. I felt a huge failure, especially since I was catholic and my parents were very catholic back in those days.

My advice, if you can afford it, find a very good counselor, not necessarily a shrink or psychologist but maybe a social worker, actually I think a psychologist is better than a psychiatrist (they go tooooo deep etc).. if you can, try to keep it away from how you value and see yourself, it's not a failure, it's a part of your journey and the story to your life, but just a bit of it.. there is so much more to do. If a guy says he loves you and isn't in love with you, it's over for him. If you can, don't move in with your parents, they will want to parent you, you need time to reflect on you, that relationship and where YOU want to go forward to.. school? a new boyfriend? your own dog? friends? job? just seriously try to keep it away from YOU.. the real you. I had spent 14 years with my boyfriend/husband and it was devastating to me, I had faults though, and I had to ask myself (over and over) why I wanted to stay in a relationship that wasn't fufilling, the guy didn't love me in a sexual/loving way, he treated terrible really, why did I still want that? that was my jourey, I was lucky, I had a great job at IBM and I was the move careerwise, I immediately had a lot of dates (IBM then was full of lotsa guys!).. and I started dating the guy I married and have been married to for 29 years... had 2 kids with. I have never forgotten my first husband, I don't wish him well or wish him bad, I wish him nothing, you don't have to be friends or buds, or have a sustaining relationship with your exhusband. I had a no fault divorce in 87 in NY, at that time my soon to be ex was dumped by little miss 19yr old, dumped by little miss 22 year, and he told he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce.. at that point - what I had wanted to hear 2 years earlier met deaf ears, I had learned to listen to me, like me and found people who treated me with the love, respect, honor and caring that we ALL deserve as human beings. A lot of people told me, it's about the money, you seem to have been able to do this very easily so remember, a counselor, hold your head up HIGH, walk straight into your new life, and remember you are worthwhile, wonderful and will have a better life..

much peace and happiness to you, believe in you.

tekate :))
 

arkieb1

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Big hugs to you, what a stressful situation to go through. I think a number of people on here have given you very wise advice. The only things I want to reiterate is 28 is young, it might not seem like it now but one day you will look back and realise that it was one section of your life, and the saying that when one door closes another opens is really honestly true. I also agree when a man puts you into the friend zone it's the kiss of death of a relationship, going to counselling or doing whatever feels right for you to move forward are wonderful suggestions.

And not fighting for the dog out of anger or over possessions, demonstrates what a wise, sensible woman you are as well. Let go of the small stuff, do what you need to do to heal and move on. If you need to talk or a virtual hug we are all here for you.
 

lovedogs

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I am so sorry to hear you are going through this! We are close in age, and I have been with my husband for a similar amount of time, so I can imagine I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.

But I have to agree with Elliot and others that you deserve so much better than him! He made choices that hurt you, and that is HIS fault, not yours. He ISNT a nice guy, and this ISNT your fault.

We are here for you, and support whatever you choose to do, but please don't feel like you need to move back in with your family and lose everything you put into the relationship. I agree that there is no point in being vindictive and trying to "take" things from him, so I'm glad you aren't going down that path. You are still young, and definitely will look back on this and realize he was never "the one" for you. I wish you the best and sending hugs over the internet!!!
 

mom2dolls

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I am so sorry you are going through this! You have received great advice above.
I want to add as others have said that you will look back at this one day as a turning point in your life. I have been through a divorce. As hard as it was then, I look back now and honestly know it was the best thing to ever happen to me. It set me free!
I also felt at the time marriage may not be for me. Little did I know, rekindling a friendship from years past would lead me to the love of my life.
I agree with the others that suggest doing everything from today on to better YOU! Whatever that means to you. YOU are the most important factor in this, not him.
Many wonderful days lie ahead for you!
 

Elizabeth35

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You are getting good advice here.
I would advise that you take care and f yourself , physically and mentally.
Definitely do some counseling and take time to reflect on what YOU want for your future.
Spend time reflecting on what you want in a future relationship--you may find that trust will be an issue for you.
See your physician if your are experiencing symptoms such as sleeplessness, anxiety, etc.

With no kids or shared assets it seems that the legal part may be fairly simple.
But--make sure you understand what is fair and appropriate for your situation in your state. In my area attorneys will give free consultations. Might be worth it to understand the process and also to make sure there is not something you or your husband are not considering. Are any assets accumulated considered marital property in your state? 401K s are split 50-50 in my state.
What about health insurance--will you be covered at your employer?
I don't mean to sound adversarial but sometimes there are considerations that you overlook since you have not been through this before.

Best of luck--please take care of yourself!
 

NewEnglandLady

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I have a completely different view of affairs than most after a friend of mine went through this with her husband. Since then, I've been part of an online forum (marriagebuilders) where there is a large presence of women and men who have been betrayed. After seeing THOUSANDS of these stories, it is truly remarkable how similar they are.

If you really do want to fight for your marriage, the path is very difficult and VERY narrow. Right now your husband is what we call "fogged out". He's like an addict who needs his fix. This is why "reasoning" with a spouse in an affair is impossible--it's like reasoning with a drunk who's still in the bar. He'll tell you "it's over", but I absolutely guarantee it's not. Has every avenue he has to contact this woman been closed? I would bet my last dollar that if you were to put spyware on his computer you'd find he is still talking to her.

I would HIGHLY recommend the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. I would also recommend following the steps in his program to a T if you really do want to fight for your marriage. And if you don't want to fight for it, that is 100% understandable. After all, with no shared property or kids I feel like getting out of this may truly be a bullet dodged.

I won't go into the details of the plan with you because that's for you to decide if you want to do, but his plan basically attacks the affair by exposing (scares the bejesus out of some people, but is the single most effective tool in killing an affair) and it also involves being your best self so that he can't use your "bad" marriage as a reason to gaslight you (he's doing that now--telling you you're nothing more than a great friend, blah blah blah. It's all fog talk). My fears for you are: 1. You've been dealing with this for almost 6 months as it is and that's a long time to have any love left in your love bank for him. You must be running on fumes at this point and that is very bad for your health and 2. Traditional marriage counselors are notoriously bad at saving marriages, especially where affairs are concerned. They usually advocate for more space, which just strengthens the affair and not the marriage.

I wish you tons and tons of luck!!
 

azstonie

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Hugs and encouragement to you, ihy.

I got divorced at age 35 after 2 years of under-the-same-roof and 1 year of me and my lawyer trying to get a very simple divorce accomplished only to be met with lots of "I lost it" "I forgot to show up" "Huh?" kinds of mayhem from my soon-to-be ex-husband.

I hope to not offend you below. I'm going to do for you what my friends did for me when I was a very similar position with my very similar husband.
**************************************

He is done with you as his wife. He is past the point of closure, even.

He has considered this for a long period of time and he has closure on being done with your marriage. He went to counseling in a hope that the counselor would take you off his hands in terms of bringing you to reality on this. He doesn't want to be a bad guy even though he sure as hell is. He was at minimum unfaithful emotionally and you have no idea if he has been unfaithful to you sexually. You only know about *this* woman. There well may have been others. That doesn't matter, because ONE affair is enough to show you that you are married to a cheater. Cheaters lack integrity. They are narcissists. You were married and unless you two had an agreement for an 'open' marriage he lied to you and was unfaithful. Make no mistake, he could have asked you for a separation while he pursued his relationship with this other woman/other women. THat would have shown some character and integrity and he would have SHOWN YOU SOME RESPECT AS HIS WIFE to have not lied to you about this. He did not. He enjoyed the sneaking around and the lying and so did she. What a rush, right? DIrty sneaky sex is better to some people. They had a secret that you were not apprised of. On some level, he has no respect or affection for you. He has done this at least once that you know of, he is going to do it again in the future no matter WHO he is married to. Cheaters are cheaters because they get something they need out of that dynamic. You are 28 years old, a cool person (I know this because I've seen your posts here and when I bought the sapphire ring from you/our emails) and YOU DON'T HAVE TO SETTLE FOR BEING MARRIED TO A LIAR AND A CHEATER AND THE EXPOSURE THAT THIS BROUGHT/BRINGS TO YOU.

You are not parents so it is not necessary for him to preserve a co-parenting type of relationship although you feel that he will allow joint custody or visitation of the dog.

He doesn't have the balls to make a clean break with you; in fact, HE wants YOU or your counselor to handle that for him! What a chump. "Ihy, I want a divorce. You've been a good wife to me but I want out of our marriage for reasons that have nothing to do with you "

He could have gone that route. He did not.

If you have not established your own checking account and credit DO IT RIGHT NOW. Take what is yours out of the checking account, hell take his too, let him get a loan from his mistress if he needs money. Buy a car if you need one. Get your own housing happening---my advice is not to stay in the marital abode any longer than is necessary: Fresh start. Decorate the way YOU like it. YOU/YOU/YOU now. Get a lawyer PRONTO and get the divorce going.

BTW< he's been planning this for quite some time. Advise your lawyer to look for hidden assets/cash.

Enjoy your friends who are supportive, plan some small trips and fun events, always be anticipating something in your free time no matter how small, a movie, a meal out at a new place, a little retail therapy, whatever brings you a smile. I scheduled time to cry so I did not cry at work. Once your allotted cry time is over, get active with something be it exercise, a book, etc.
 

Kaleigh

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Big hugs to you!! My thoughts are that you are young, no kids. Time to move on, the best years are ahead. I wouldn't want to be in a one sided marriage. You'll find someone that will truly love you and not string you along.

I got divorced after 25 years of marriage and two adult kids. I am beyond happy and have an amazing boyfriend, celebrating two years next week.

Hang in there. The first step is to take the next step. You can do it!!!
 

minousbijoux

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missy|1478181231|4093220 said:
ihy, I am very sorry you are going through such a traumatic experience but you will not only survive this you will thrive and you will look back on this and wonder how you thought the best years of your life were behind you.

You have the very best years ahead of you my dear and know that these years were not wasted years but instead a learning experience for which you will eventually be grateful and you will find a more deserving and loving life partner to share the very best years of your life with.

You are young and remember that. I didn't even meet my soulmate who is the love of my life and my bshert till my early 30s so do not think you are over the hill quite yet!


Sending you big hugs and love and we are here for you. And of course I highly recommend finding a good therapist to help you as well as trusted friends to get you through what is going to be a challenging time. But it is a time you will not only get through but will learn from and thrive because of and not in spite of. You will be OK. (((HUGS))).
This exactly! Missy: you always know exactly what to say, you wise sage, you!

Big hugs to you, ihy. The best is yet to come for you in your future. Whether or not you remarry, you WILL find happiness, as I have after divorce (with kids, joint accounts and property together). I actually think its super healthy of you to see him the way you do, as your focus seems to be in moving forward. Let me tell you, once you do, the freedom you will feel will be intoxicating!

Edited for typos, sorry!
 

ruby59

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Big hugs to you!! My thoughts are that you are young, no kids. Time to move on, the best years are ahead. I wouldn't want to be in a one sided marriage. You'll find someone that will truly love you and not string you along.

I got divorced after 25 years of marriage and two adult kids. I am beyond happy and have an amazing boyfriend, celebrating two years next week.

Hang in there. The first step is to take the next step. You can do it!!!
_________________________________________________________

Exactly. Happened to my first cousin. The more she tried to save the marriage, the worst he treated her. He took 5 years of her life, but she aged 20 years during that time. She finally had enough, and is now remarried and could not be happier.
 

Tacori E-ring

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Divorce is really hard, no matter what the reason. It really is like a death. My advice is to be kind to yourself. I think no one really knows how they will react until they are in the situation. I took time to heal after my divorce. It was the best thing I could do for myself and my child. I will say, being on the other side, I am SO glad I finally looked after ME. Some relationships do not work. I was with my ex for a LOOOONG time. I am so happy and feel like through the process I really got to know who I was. Something I never really focused on in my 20s. Best of luck. You can do this.
 

ihy138

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To all: I am overwhelmed by the responses, outpouring of support and concern, and sharing of personal experiences. I haven't had the time to respond to everyone yet, but know that I am reading and taking this all to heart. I can't thank you all enough. I wanted to send a quick message before work until I can write a more reasoned response.
 

Dee*Jay

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I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this.

My best advice is that you don't owe anyone an explanation.

No one knows what goes on inside a marriage aside from the people who are in it. Please are going to ask you ALL SORTS of questions. Some of which you won't want to answer, NONE of which you have to answer. REALLY. You can say, "I'm not going to discuss this."

Not, "I'm not going to discuss this NOW."

Not, "I'm not going to discuss this WITH YOU."

Not, "I'm not READY to discuss this."

NO.

"I'm not going to discuss this."

You can do whatever you want later, but in the moment that answer will give you distance and let you decide, on your own terms and in your own time, WHAT and WITH WHOM you want to discuss ANYTHING, IF EVER. And of course people will form their own opinions about what you *mean* ("Oh, she's so upset/hurt/insert-other-emotional-assumption-here that she's just not ready," or whatever) but the conversation should be shut down at that point (regardless of what that other person is thinking) and YOU can open it back up in the future ON YOUR TERMS and IF YOU WANT TO.

I know this sounds easy to say and tough to do, but trust me, it's not as bad as you might think to accomplish and IT WORKS.

My two cents -- take it for what it's worth!

Big hugs outgoing to you my friend!!!!!
 

Scandinavian

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I have no experience with this, but I just wanted to tell you that you deserve sooooo (!) much better than this guy!! He is not a very nice person! Move away from him, take your things, get started on you new life! Somewhere down the road you *will* find your soulmate! Someone how is nice to you, kind to you, and willing to do anything to make you happy. This guy - is not that guy! But he does exist! So take the first step towards happy by getting away from this creep!
 

ihy138

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Tekate - I really appreciate the time you've taken to share your own experience. I am so sorry to hear what happened to you - big hugs to you. It sounds like you have come out the other side in a better place. I'm grateful to hear such a story. Thank you for your advice. I am struggling to not see this as a personal failure (Why aren't I good enough?), but I also sometimes think he's insane for not seeing how committed I am. I agree that I want to take time for myself, invest in me. I might want to go back to grad school for a doctorate. During my master's degree our relationship suffered and I hesitated to go back to school because I didn't want to put additional strain on us. Now that's not really a consideration. I appreciate your words, I really do.

arkieb1 - Your comment made me tear up! Thank you for being so kind and offering support. I honestly have felt so alone in this, as most of my friends and family have no idea. It has been amazing to talk about it here.

lovedogs - Thank you! You are so sweet. I appreciate your perspective. I'm doing a lot of self blame and failing to make him take ownership. I KNOW I was not the perfect partner (we fought a lot early on, I wasn't very nice). I thought we were passed that, but he still holds resentment toward me. And he could have and should have told me this. You're right, he isn't very nice.
 

ihy138

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mom2dolls - Thank you for sharing! I am sorry you had to go through this as well, but it warms my heart to think that this changed your life for the better. I try to look at periods of struggle in a positive way. Growth hurts, I get that. But this is really hard. Thank you for your kindness. I look forward to my new life.

Elizabeth35 - Thank you for the legal perspective. I have a friend who is an attorney, and I plan to ask her for advice. Nothing about this is fair, but at least I could find out about my rights.

NewEnglandLady - Thanks so much for sharing your suggestions. I checked out that website and there is some very interesting posts there. It makes me sad to think that so many others out there have been similarly betrayed. I guess that's the world we live in. Lots of broken people finding each other. It's interesting how that plan goes against most counselors' advice. You're right, our counselor suggested he take some space for himself to develop his own interests. In the context of our situation, I thought this made sense. But it allows for further betrayal.
 

ihy138

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Messages
1,362
azstonie|1478200718|4093336 said:
Hugs and encouragement to you, ihy.

I got divorced at age 35 after 2 years of under-the-same-roof and 1 year of me and my lawyer trying to get a very simple divorce accomplished only to be met with lots of "I lost it" "I forgot to show up" "Huh?" kinds of mayhem from my soon-to-be ex-husband.

I hope to not offend you below. I'm going to do for you what my friends did for me when I was a very similar position with my very similar husband.
**************************************

He is done with you as his wife. He is past the point of closure, even.

He has considered this for a long period of time and he has closure on being done with your marriage. He went to counseling in a hope that the counselor would take you off his hands in terms of bringing you to reality on this. He doesn't want to be a bad guy even though he sure as hell is. He was at minimum unfaithful emotionally and you have no idea if he has been unfaithful to you sexually. You only know about *this* woman. There well may have been others. That doesn't matter, because ONE affair is enough to show you that you are married to a cheater. Cheaters lack integrity. They are narcissists. You were married and unless you two had an agreement for an 'open' marriage he lied to you and was unfaithful. Make no mistake, he could have asked you for a separation while he pursued his relationship with this other woman/other women. THat would have shown some character and integrity and he would have SHOWN YOU SOME RESPECT AS HIS WIFE to have not lied to you about this. He did not. He enjoyed the sneaking around and the lying and so did she. What a rush, right? DIrty sneaky sex is better to some people. They had a secret that you were not apprised of. On some level, he has no respect or affection for you. He has done this at least once that you know of, he is going to do it again in the future no matter WHO he is married to. Cheaters are cheaters because they get something they need out of that dynamic. You are 28 years old, a cool person (I know this because I've seen your posts here and when I bought the sapphire ring from you/our emails) and YOU DON'T HAVE TO SETTLE FOR BEING MARRIED TO A LIAR AND A CHEATER AND THE EXPOSURE THAT THIS BROUGHT/BRINGS TO YOU.

You are not parents so it is not necessary for him to preserve a co-parenting type of relationship although you feel that he will allow joint custody or visitation of the dog.

He doesn't have the balls to make a clean break with you; in fact, HE wants YOU or your counselor to handle that for him! What a chump. "Ihy, I want a divorce. You've been a good wife to me but I want out of our marriage for reasons that have nothing to do with you "

He could have gone that route. He did not.

If you have not established your own checking account and credit DO IT RIGHT NOW. Take what is yours out of the checking account, hell take his too, let him get a loan from his mistress if he needs money. Buy a car if you need one. Get your own housing happening---my advice is not to stay in the marital abode any longer than is necessary: Fresh start. Decorate the way YOU like it. YOU/YOU/YOU now. Get a lawyer PRONTO and get the divorce going.

BTW< he's been planning this for quite some time. Advise your lawyer to look for hidden assets/cash.

Enjoy your friends who are supportive, plan some small trips and fun events, always be anticipating something in your free time no matter how small, a movie, a meal out at a new place, a little retail therapy, whatever brings you a smile. I scheduled time to cry so I did not cry at work. Once your allotted cry time is over, get active with something be it exercise, a book, etc.
Azstonie - You did not offend me at all. I really needed to hear a lot of that. I'm sorry you went through divorce as well, but I'm so happy to hear your life changed for the better. I think you're right, that he doesn't have the balls to break it off. Even after he came to me and said we should go separate ways, he has since come back and said he's not sure. We have all of our money separate, so I don't have access to his and he doesn't to mine. I'm grateful for that. I might have otherwise been tempted to clean him out in a moment of pettiness. I'm also grateful to have a job that I can support myself, my own car, pay my bills, etc. I can't imagine how much harder this would have been if we were truly intertwined. Maybe that was part of the problem to begin with.
 

ihy138

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 1, 2011
Messages
1,362
ruby59|1478201242|4093345 said:
You deserve better.

Move on with your life, without him.
Thank you! :wavey:

Kaleigh said:
Big hugs to you!! My thoughts are that you are young, no kids. Time to move on, the best years are ahead. I wouldn't want to be in a one sided marriage. You'll find someone that will truly love you and not string you along.

I got divorced after 25 years of marriage and two adult kids. I am beyond happy and have an amazing boyfriend, celebrating two years next week.

Hang in there. The first step is to take the next step. You can do it!!!
Sorry you went through this as well. I'm so happy for you on your new relationship!! Endings can lead to wonderful things. Thank you for sharing.

minousbijoux - Thank you for sharing that and hugs to you as well for what you have been through. I'm sure you are stronger for it.

ruby59 - Five years is too long to feel this horrible. I couldn't imagine. :blackeye:
 

Crazie4Cuts

Shiny_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 9, 2014
Messages
430
Hello Ihy,
I also want to take a moment and say also how sorry I am for you that you are going through this difficult time. I also wanted to let you know how brave you are and for the courage you have for stepping out and letting us know. This is the 1st step in many that you will have as you let others know of your situation.

Now that the holidays are upon us, you will need to even take more care of yourself as it will become obvious when you arrive without him at family gatherings or celebrations. I would encourage you to not move back with your parents since you have been living on your own (although for the last 3 years with him) and going back to live with your parents may become difficult as you settle into a new life. They may want to help you, but you may see it as intrusion or you may become co-dependent on them for emotional and financial support.(without evening realizing it! Like the frog in the slowing boiling water and then the frog becomes cooked..) Perhaps consider living with another girl friend as then you can share expenses, have someone to do activities/events with, and slowly grow your life on your own terms.

The other thing I thought about is seeking financial support from your 'ex.' You let us know that you did not have shared accounts and your money was separate, however you did say ' I do feel I am owed something because of all the money that I put into our shared home and our lives together. Never mind what the wedding cost!'

Is he willing to give you money so you can start a new life? I wouldn't ask him like, 'Can I please have some money?' I would say, I would like $7000 (or whatever you think..) as I believe I contributed this amount in the past 3 years to our household expenses and the wedding costs. This money will be for me to begin my life as there are living expenses which I need to cover as well as expenses for debt we had in our marriage. This is not about getting 'even.' If you feel legitimately that you have placed a great effort not only emotionally, but financially into the marriage, then you should ask upfront with reasons why.

I think you should not leave until you receive that money and make sure he doesn't get to leave until you get that BANK CHECK (no personal checks!) Ask sooner than later and before the holidays, if possible. (I would hate to see him giving you installments. A lump sum is better.) Please do not back down and let him off easy. Most women do not make enough money to support themselves financially (the majority of us, not Silicon Valley type women or women with opportunity with degrees/careers in engineering, doctors, or lawyers.)

Finally, I also want to let you know of this nonprofit organization: http://www.divorcecare.org/
From their website: 'DivorceCare seminars and support groups are led by people who understand what you are going through and want to help. You will learn how to heal from the deep hurt of divorce and discover hope for your future'

I found out about this group from a local organization where I live, but I have not attended. I hear that others I know found it to be helpful. There's also a 'Surviving the Holidays' seminar as well and you have to put in your zip to see if there is a seminar near you.

I hope this helps and wish you all the best--there's only one of you and you deserve the best life. You are special and I do care. I believe the responses you have already receive is because we all care.

<3 C4C
 
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