Anyone been through a divorce before? Seeking advice.

[ihy138]

I've always blamed myself for some of the breakups that I've had in my life. Of course it's not the same as divorce, but I think the best way to move forward is to learn to forgive yourself first, and then your partner.

Thank you, Joel. That's wise advice. Forgiveness to me means not forgetting, but it eventually doesn't bother you. I hope you are able to forgive yourself for your breakups. They are rarely ever one person's fault.

 

[ihy138]

Hi all, I want to again thank you all for your support and kind words. I want to provide an update. He was playing the "I'm in, now I'm out" game as usual. We decided to still go to our counseling appointment yesterday. Essentially, he used the counselor's office as a place to tell me he's done, but it's really hard for him to say that because I'm "such a good person." I told him that I could no longer be his support and the person he turns to. I'm sure he will have no trouble finding someone else to talk to. The counselor really validated me and said that I've been taking care of him this whole time. It feels good to hear someone say that. I'm going to continue seeing her for individual counseling - she's amazing! Then we came home and our friends came over and we didn't say a thing. It was a really weird day. The whole night I was thinking how my life as I know it is over and to really cherish the moments with our friends. We haven't talked about the logistics of the split at all, but I'm sure I'll have to start the conversation. He doesn't have the balls to do that either.

I totally relate. I'm going through a very challenging separation, and without sharing too much detail at his urging we went to counselor. He was not able to continue with it (enough said on that) but I continue to see her for solo sessions. She's helped me make sense of what exactly the hell happened to my marriage, what my role was/wasn't in its end, and how I am moving forward.

I had to take the reigns split wise and basically just told him what I was going to do, and worked out a compromise on some of the bigger points. I know he's angry and I don't expect that to get better anytime soon, but I at least have a clear vision of what my future can be now and YOU WILL TOO!

Elliot, so sorry you are going through this, too. I'm so glad you have found a counselor who you can work with. Sometimes it's really helpful to just look back at the wreckage and wonder, "What the hell happened here?" I hope that you get to where you want to be and enjoy the journey. My thoughts are with you!

Begonia - Thank you for your sweet and lovely words! I often forget self-care (eat, sleep, exercise) is the best way to make oneself feel whole again. I'm going to use those three things as my mantra moving forward. Back to basics.

 

[ihy138]

Ihy138, you have already received really good advice and I don't have much to add to it but I wanted to offer my support so my post will echo Begonia's - I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult thing and I'm sending lots of comforting thoughts and support to you. You are the same age as my daughter so I have a soft spot for you and what you're experiencing. I know things seem very bleak right now and you are really hurting but please remember you are so young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You probably don't feel very strong right now but believe me, you are a lot stronger than you think. You will make it through this. You will be happy again. Focus on yourself, take care of yourself, and do what's best for you. Please reach out to friends and family for support, and we are here for you too whenever you need us. ((((HUGS))))

Awww, thank you a hundred times junebug. Reading your post makes me think my mom might be supportive, too. I know she will, but she will be heartbroken alongside me. Thank you for the reminders of how much time I have left to live. I hope I look back on this and wonder why I wasted so much time being sad because someone didn't want me like I wanted them. Thank you for being so kind and making me feel like I'm worthwhile.

 

[ihy138]

I want to say - I think you are handling this all quite well.

I didn't read all of the responses, but I agree that this is like a death.

Short version of my drama: I was with my exH from about 21-31. He cheated. Denied it and lied about it. I was desperate to make things work. But so very angry, so it was impossible. He dropped me off for work one day and left town. Because he was such a coward. I was devastated. Just as I was starting to move on, he reached out to tell me he wanted to be back together. I foolishly agreed. And then he disappeared again. I reached out via email and apparently his new fiance didn't like that. And that was that.

EDIT: This wasn't the woman he cheated on me with. He had apparently fast-tracked a new wife.

I was so grief stricken and confused. I had never really been alone, either. It was a shock in so many ways, big and small.

I can remember it being 5:00 on Friday and I would tear up walking to my car after work. The weekend seemed so long and hollow.
My best friends weren't local and I didn't have a family support system. Dark times, man.

Fast forward almost five years and I am so glad, SO RELIEVED that he left.

My only regrets are that I didn't leave him after he cheated. And that I didn't keep any composure during that drama-filled time.
I cringe at how desperate I acted. Never again.

I wasn't ready to date for awhile. I took that time to learn to live alone and to do things I'd always wanted. Even small stuff like - I didn't know how to properly swim - so I took some lessons. Stuff like that. Just kept putting one foot in front of the other.

Oddly, I never felt failure. But I have heard that a lot from others. You can't do it alone. If someone else is a dud, then how could you have made it work?

I wish you all the best. If you are feeling low, just remember that this is a season and you won't feel this way forever.

EDIT: Oh, and I got my master's degree during this time. It was a push I needed. If you want to get a doctorate - go for it!

Iwantsparkle - you are a warrior! I'm really sorry for what you went through. Our timelines are pretty similar. What was it like to start over in your early 30s? I never thought I would be here, but I know people do it. I know those were dark times, as are these. It sounds like you look back on them and don't hurt, and I'm happy to hear that. The bolded part really hit me. Yesterday (Sunday) is our usual lounge-on-the-couch-and-watch-Netflix-together day. Sundays used to fly by right into Monday. Yesterday felt like the longest day of the year even though I was doing the same activity, just alone.

I also don't feel ready to date. The idea of cheating baffles me because the last thing I would want is another relationship when the last one was a flop. I feel kind of like a rag doll. I trust you when you say this will get better. I'm going to take time for myself and do all the things I want to do. It's already a little freeing to just live without worrying about anybody else or checking in with them. I really, really want a doctorate. I have this crazy dream to move to the UK. I would never leave my parents (they're older - I worry about them), but if they were to pass away and I am still single I just might do this. I like the notion of possibility.

 

[ihy138]

Its my experience, and that of my friends, family members, coworkers, gym buddies, ETC., that men don't leave until they have the next woman lined up and ready to go. If the guy is wishy washy with their wife about whether or not they want to stay in the marriage, its because the girlfriend has not fully committed yet, so bets are being hedged and comfort ensured until the man is DOUBLE DOG CERTAIN he's got the next one ready to take care of him.

I was sure my ex-husband had not cheated. He would NEVER do that to me. No way. Sure, he might decide he wanted to change his life including me but he would NEVER be unfaithful, he'd tell me the truth first. I would have bet my life on that.

And then the waffling and wishy washy stuff started up---"I love you but I don't know how much I love you, its not the same as when we first started dating," "I don't know if I even want to be married," "I'm so confused." Ad nauseum for months. I asked around and sure enough, it was a coworker of his. I sat in the parking lot of their office and watched their body language and I knew then. I talked with the coworker's husband and he had no idea of what was going on. I was sorry to raise the topic for him but it was kinda funny because coworker and her husband WORKED IT OUT and stayed together and my soon-to-be-ex was left without a wife or girlfriend, waaaaa! and had a divorce action pending in court to deal with too, plus DuH needed some financial assistance paying all this monthly bills without my income added in (I found a scratchpad where DuH listed all his bills and his income WITHOUT MINE, he was going to need some help paying the cable TV and electric bill).

So to sum up, if your husband or boyfriend is waffling about you/the relationship, its only because all his plans aren't yet fully in place. He'll keep ya around for his convenience and comfort until all his ducks are in a row.

I agree 100%!!!! I actually said to him last week, "Nobody gets off one horse without another one to get on." He insisted that they were done. I am sure he still talks to her, or is thinking about reaching back out. I do believe that he ended communication with her after being caught, and I think that's why he got super miserable recently. He admitted in counseling that he still thinks about her. I actually hope they get together and for it to not work out. But I'm being petty in that regard. Interesting to hear your ex was left in the dust with nobody. I feel like this happens a lot to a cheaters. Never seems to work out well for them. I would always be wondering when my new partner was going to cheat on me. If they do it with you, they will do it to you. Not to mention the mistress is married herself. Not great to build a relationship on lies.

I'm sooo sorry you had to witness your ex with the other woman. That would never happen to me because the mistress lives across the country. But I saw the conversations. That was enough. I appreciate your input, azstonie. I think my husband misses our friendship and the convenience of me taking care of him. Well, no longer. We are still under the same roof but I am taking care of only me. He washed a load of his clothes and they've been left in the washer for about 4 days. ihy138 the wife would have reminded him or even switched it to the dryer for him. ihy138 the friend and betrayed spouse...well, I'm looking forward to seeing his reaction when all of his clothes have mold on them.

 

[ihy138]

Hi all, I want to again thank you all for your support and kind words. I want to provide an update. He was playing the "I'm in, now I'm out" game as usual. We decided to still go to our counseling appointment yesterday. Essentially, he used the counselor's office as a place to tell me he's done, but it's really hard for him to say that because I'm "such a good person." I told him that I could no longer be his support and the person he turns to. I'm sure he will have no trouble finding someone else to talk to. The counselor really validated me and said that I've been taking care of him this whole time. It feels good to hear someone say that. I'm going to continue seeing her for individual counseling - she's amazing! Then we came home and our friends came over and we didn't say a thing. It was a really weird day. The whole night I was thinking how my life as I know it is over and to really cherish the moments with our friends. We haven't talked about the logistics of the split at all, but I'm sure I'll have to start the conversation. He doesn't have the balls to do that either.

He's a classic cake-eater (he likes having his cake and eating it, too). He likes that you're meeting some needs and she's meeting others...he'd prefer not to give either of you up. It will stay like this forever until you change it. And by keeping his affair a secret, it allows him to spin the story to your friends. He'll say neither of you were happy for a long time, the marriage just wasn't working, etc. etc. All lies to make him look better. And will leave the door open for him to introduce the new woman without the stigma of her being the homewrecker that she is.

Yes, thank you for saying this!! If you read my post to azstonie I have been making changes as to how much of his needs I am meeting. We are strictly roommates now, talk very little. He seems miserable sitting on the couch all day. I desperately want to tell our friends what happened first. I just hope at some point I get to tell my side of the story. I hope he tells the truth that this was his decision and that he lied. These expectations may be too high.


liaerfbv - I'm conflicted. She is a homewrecker, but she didn't make any vows to me. I fully blame him for his behavior, but I look down upon her for being married and a mother and betraying her spouse, too. Seems like she and my husband are perfect for each other!

ETA: Sorry everyone for making a thousand response posts. It makes it easier for me to organize my thoughts. I hope I didn't annoy anyone.

 

[azstonie]

Ihy, you are a terrific person.

One of the best things I learned in therapy while I was hoping against hope that my DuH would stay in our marriage was: Healthy relationships are reciprocal.

I hope you've been indulging in some retail therapy, do you need a reliable, I.e., new car??? Marcy can show you the pic of her new Porsche Maccan. How about some great new boots? Missy can advise re boots. How about that bag you've always wanted??? Calliecake! Junebug just knows stuff and she's incredibly easy to 'talk' to, Scandi is THE interior design genius, and Rainwood can tell you how she's handled her recent losses with humor and flair. Stop by the NIRDI thread too if you need to he held up (in a good way lol).

 

[ihy138]

Ihy, you are a terrific person.

One of the best things I learned in therapy while I was hoping against hope that my DuH would stay in our marriage was: Healthy relationships are reciprocal.

I hope you've been indulging in some retail therapy, do you need a reliable, I.e., new car??? Marcy can show you the pic of her new Porsche Maccan. How about some great new boots? Missy can advise re boots. How about that bag you've always wanted??? Calliecake! Junebug just knows stuff and she's incredibly easy to 'talk' to, Scandi is THE interior design genius, and Rainwood can tell you how she's handled her recent losses with humor and flair. Stop by the NIRDI thread too if you need to he held up (in a good way lol).

Thank you for this!! You are so sweet. I didn't realize you guys had so many skills and talents. I've actually been buying up a storm (okay, not really). But I've purchased a few jewels to lift my spirits. I am a Pricescoper to the core. Here are some pictures, because why not?! There are still beautiful things in this world.

The first is a ruby and diamond band from the Etsy shop Franziska. The second is a Victorian snake bracelet (because this is the only snake I want in my life) from the Etsy shop Antique Animal Jewelry. The third is something that's been on layaway but I recently paid off - a signet with a lion shank that I feel like is my spirit animal. From the Etsy shop Orb Jewelry. I used all their photos because I don't have them yet, and I hope the vendors don't mind.

 

[iwantsparkle]

[/quote]

Iwantsparkle - you are a warrior! I'm really sorry for what you went through. Our timelines are pretty similar. What was it like to start over in your early 30s? I never thought I would be here, but I know people do it. I know those were dark times, as are these. It sounds like you look back on them and don't hurt, and I'm happy to hear that. The bolded part really hit me. Yesterday (Sunday) is our usual lounge-on-the-couch-and-watch-Netflix-together day. Sundays used to fly by right into Monday. Yesterday felt like the longest day of the year even though I was doing the same activity, just alone.

I also don't feel ready to date. The idea of cheating baffles me because the last thing I would want is another relationship when the last one was a flop. I feel kind of like a rag doll. I trust you when you say this will get better. I'm going to take time for myself and do all the things I want to do. It's already a little freeing to just live without worrying about anybody else or checking in with them. I really, really want a doctorate. I have this crazy dream to move to the UK. I would never leave my parents (they're older - I worry about them), but if they were to pass away and I am still single I just might do this. I like the notion of possibility.[/quote]

YOU are warrior, too!

Starting over in my 30s: Initially, I didn't realize how young I still was! But looking back that is SO silly.

I remember believing that I would never be happy again. Everything felt so unrecoverable early on. I thought it would take years and years to feel normal. You may bounce around the 5 stages of grief for awhile, but it will absolutely get better. I know everyone processes things differently.

My marriage wasn't all bad. There were some good years. But what I have managed to find now is such a better fit that I almost can't believe it.

I hope you take your time to feel however you need to feel. And don't apologize for it, ever. And your dream to move to the UK doesn't sound crazy - it sounds exciting! I hope you get to go someday!

 

[Scandinavian]

I really, really want a doctorate. I have this crazy dream to move to the UK. I would never leave my parents (they're older - I worry about them), but if they were to pass away and I am still single I just might do this. I like the notion of possibility.

So you go and get it!! We are here for you, to support you, and to help you in any way we can.

And honey - perhaps it is time to ask him to move out..? I so totally agree with you - that snake bracelet is the only snake you need I really do think your parents will be a lot more supportive than sad. This is not your fault! Why would they be sad? It is not the end of the world, they should be mad at him, not sad. And if they act sad, tell them that you *really* don't need that right now.

But based on experience from friends who have gone through much of the same, staying roommates until March / April might not be the best thing for you, don't need to give him any more of your time to mess with your head. You deserve better! And I really do think he is a creep for treating you like this! He was at least creeping around behind your back..

Hugs!!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Hi all, I want to again thank you all for your support and kind words. I want to provide an update. He was playing the "I'm in, now I'm out" game as usual. We decided to still go to our counseling appointment yesterday. Essentially, he used the counselor's office as a place to tell me he's done, but it's really hard for him to say that because I'm "such a good person." I told him that I could no longer be his support and the person he turns to. I'm sure he will have no trouble finding someone else to talk to. The counselor really validated me and said that I've been taking care of him this whole time. It feels good to hear someone say that. I'm going to continue seeing her for individual counseling - she's amazing! Then we came home and our friends came over and we didn't say a thing. It was a really weird day. The whole night I was thinking how my life as I know it is over and to really cherish the moments with our friends. We haven't talked about the logistics of the split at all, but I'm sure I'll have to start the conversation. He doesn't have the balls to do that either.

He's a classic cake-eater (he likes having his cake and eating it, too). He likes that you're meeting some needs and she's meeting others...he'd prefer not to give either of you up. It will stay like this forever until you change it. And by keeping his affair a secret, it allows him to spin the story to your friends. He'll say neither of you were happy for a long time, the marriage just wasn't working, etc. etc. All lies to make him look better. And will leave the door open for him to introduce the new woman without the stigma of her being the homewrecker that she is.

Yes, thank you for saying this!! If you read my post to azstonie I have been making changes as to how much of his needs I am meeting. We are strictly roommates now, talk very little. He seems miserable sitting on the couch all day. I desperately want to tell our friends what happened first. I just hope at some point I get to tell my side of the story. I hope he tells the truth that this was his decision and that he lied. These expectations may be too high.


liaerfbv - I'm conflicted. She is a homewrecker, but she didn't make any vows to me. I fully blame him for his behavior, but I look down upon her for being married and a mother and betraying her spouse, too. Seems like she and my husband are perfect for each other!

ETA: Sorry everyone for making a thousand response posts. It makes it easier for me to organize my thoughts. I hope I didn't annoy anyone.

You need to be the one to tell your friends, or he will spin the story to his advantage. Honestly, you could be done with this in a day if you wanted. You could let your friends and family know what happened. Tell them he started with a relationship with [whatever her name is], that he no longer wanted to be married to you and that you are devastated. Just the facts. You could have the locks changed, leave his stuff on the porch and have a family member or friend serve as your intermediary through the divorce so you never need to talk to him again. (I served as the intermediary for my friend and 99% of the time her husband "needed" to talk with her, it was just stupid fluff to try to get her to talk with him...anything that was actually pertinent, I told her myself).

With no kids, this can be a clean break...dragging it out isn't going to hurt him at all, only you. If I were you, I'd go ahead and file for divorce on the same day you tell family/friends and change the locks because it's the best option for protecting yourself.

oh, and liaerfbv, I completely agree that he is a homewrecker as well. I just meant that waywards are always trying to set the stage for the new husband/wife to enter the picture without it being the REASON the marriage was broken up.

 

[partgypsy]

Thank you for starting this post. I haven't been through a divorce but will be. My husband and I are separated as of April when he moved out. I'd say we had a good relationship the first 10 years but after our second child, things changed. Maybe the basic thing was that he needed to step up a little more adult-wise, but didn't want or care to. I tried to accommodate this, but it put a lot of pressure on me. I really loved him, loved the idea of a marriage and family together, that we were in it together for each other and the kids, and had the dream of someday sitting in rocking chairs reminiscing on our life together. The last few years things were pretty bad, in retrospect. It was the classic gaslighting, of even the most basic thing (like the fridge is broken) calling me crazy, cutting me out of our mutual friends (who knows what he said why I wasn't there), not inviting me to things we used to do together like see his band, because I wasn't "supportive enough" (I actually was basically a roadie for his bands initially, painted a backdrop for one of his shows, etc so this really hurt). Then he gave me a dear Jane talk in February. I fought for the marriage, said a lot is at stake (we been together a long time, have two children together, a home together) and not to throw it away. But he continued to be standoffish quickly irritated at me. I still remember showing him the 5 horsemen of the apocalypse, saying that the way we were interacting was harmful to the marriage, and his response was "I don't know I think a certain level of contempt is normal in a marriage." And he left. A few days after he moved out, I found out he had been having an affair with a mutual friend for the past 4, 5 years (lots of lies and covering up). When I confronted him about this, he gave many conflicting reports and time lines, eventually broke up with her (she was too judgmental and demanding) and began sleeping with a co-worker 15 years younger. He goes to counseling, but still doesn't seem to have a lot of insight. There is no way not to feel like a sucker, a dupe. I've gone through much of the emotional turmoil and loss of this (though certain things like advertising about holidays with couples in them gets me), now I am more angry how this is affecting our two kids. Anyways reading these accounts helps me normalize what I am going through, and that I will get to the other side someday.

 

[Sunstorm]

Twice. Both were very rough.

I think you are on the right path. You must be kind to yourself, in fact you should be treating yourself to things that you have not been able to do for a long time. Bling therapy is great, retail therapy, visits to spas, makeup sessions, preferably with your girls, surely you have nice friends. If you can, try to get away, meaning little, short holidays, even long weekends with friends.

Both my exes cleaned me out financially. The first time I was 26 and been married six years. I studied the whole time. He cheated (several times), abused, I built and did everything around his home and left with nothing but it was worth that. I moved continents back to the country I was born in. The worst part was that he would not leave me alone for another four years, took more four more years to recover after that. It was a huge trauma to me but I started my life over, did well in my career. Gained nothing financially, nor did I wish to from the divorce, today I would think otherwise.

Second really got me on the track to pursue what I really love to do professionally, what has been my passion, this really helps if you have goals and perspective. Second guy cleaned out my bank account way before. I fortunately was smart enough to have my own company funded by funds from real estate sales I owned prior to the marriage. It was very hard financially but I have been staying on my feet and actually building up my professional life real well. In this case I wanted him out of my life but what he did to me was hard to recover from. At the end of the day I just felt relief.

At the end of the day I just feel relief from both actually and eventually you will too. Someone once said divorce was the greatest thing that happened to me. Today I see it that way, it was true in my case. Although I never had my own family, I love so many things about my life, that this way I get to travel the world, I love my life and what I do, perhaps I was more of a career girl anyhow even if I am a very loving and empathetic person. I treat myself often to my own bling projects, as often as I can and I treat myself as a woman. I allow myself to cherish my own self and love myself, which is the most important thing. I think that counselling is a great idea and as much support as you can get.

I have also met someone that I felt like soulmates with from even when we were friends but since been in a relationship. I do feel that some of my believe me very traumatic experiences helped me gain the wisdom that is important for happiness in a relationship and for making the right choice, seeing if you are compatible with someone. When you are more mature, you have greater chances of success too.

Always remember that what does not kill you only makes you stronger. You WILL come out stronger, I guarantee you that. Do everything in your power to keep your spirits high and be positive in life and dream and plan your future, when you feel like it though, allow yourself to feel the pain and cry, it is also necessary for processing pain and trauma.

Sending you big hugs.

 

[monarch64]

I have been through a divorce. All I can tell you is this: I made it through, found happiness, and don't feel the need to talk about it anymore. You will get there too, someday. It took me about 7 years. Things steadily improved in my life after I left my first marriage. If you can be positive and build your confidence by living your life as YOU see fit and as YOU want to, you will find you can accomplish anything, and excel at it.

 

[upgradingmama]

1. I am so sorry you are going through this, but you are getting great advice here.... 2. I just wanted to let you know that your retail therapy is awesome - I love all of those pieces and made sure to favorite those etsy shops! Hang in there and take care of yourself!

 

[kylier]

So sorry for what you are going through. Just answering because my situation was very similar to yours, age-wise and circumstance-wise.
It's hard when you get emotionally abandoned. My ex was like yours, online cheating and he was the one who wanted out. I'm sure there are differences too, but I see a lot of similarities. I was feeling just so confused and abandoned. I was always 100% committed. I'm sure some of the worst feelings you're going through are the confusion and hurt and abandonment and wondering how you could have deserved it and what you did to cause it.
First, you did NOTHING. People can choose to selfishly check out of a relationship no matter how wonderful you are. That's a scary thought because you feel like there is nothing you can do different. Well, deep inside you will know things that you don't know you know. Your heart will be able to watch out. You will probably feel like you aren't sure if you even want to marry again because it hurts too bad even when you do nothing wrong. Hopefully, like me, you will find someone so wonderful they are beyond your wildest dreams.
I was in my mid-twenties when I had my divorce. I thought my life was over. I felt so worthless and abandoned.
But if I could have seen a few years forward to where my life would be now, I would have divorced him sooner and without a tear! Every one of those moments of pain was nothing compared to what was waiting.
Your future is out there waiting. You'll come through stronger than you could have imagined, and you'll find possibilities too wonderful to hope for.
One of the best things I did was move in with my family. I thought they would be disapproving, but they were supportive. It's scary to tell others the truth and divorce feels so painfully public and embarrassing (not quite the right word, but it feels like failure). But when you tell others, you can get support.
You will lose some friends and make room for others. During a time like this, you will be in so much pain but you will have more clarity about yourself and others than ever before.
You are smart and fortunate to have a great therapist and an amazing head on your shoulders. You are young and this is so tough but there is still so much ahead of you. There was for me.
I'm so unbelievably happy now that even if I look back on those days, I just see them as a small part of what led me to the loving marriage and beautiful life I have now.
And honestly, I wouldn't go back and change those hard-fought, miserable, sad days and months for anything. It sounds weird, but I really felt alive and strong in those moments. I also felt miserable and so sad I could barely breathe, but again, it was all worth it.
Best wishes and I'll check in on this thread if you want to talk.

 

[ihy138]

iwantsparkle - Thank you for your response. Until today, I thought the same - that I would never find happiness. Just wasn't meant for me. But something shifted. I see the light. Don't get me wrong, it SUCKS right now. But I know I'll be okay. Thanks for sharing your story, and I'm so glad you're in a better place.

I really, really want a doctorate. I have this crazy dream to move to the UK. I would never leave my parents (they're older - I worry about them), but if they were to pass away and I am still single I just might do this. I like the notion of possibility.

So you go and get it!! We are here for you, to support you, and to help you in any way we can.

And honey - perhaps it is time to ask him to move out..? I so totally agree with you - that snake bracelet is the only snake you need I really do think your parents will be a lot more supportive than sad. This is not your fault! Why would they be sad? It is not the end of the world, they should be mad at him, not sad. And if they act sad, tell them that you *really* don't need that right now.

But based on experience from friends who have gone through much of the same, staying roommates until March / April might not be the best thing for you, don't need to give him any more of your time to mess with your head. You deserve better! And I really do think he is a creep for treating you like this! He was at least creeping around behind your back..

Hugs!!

Thank you so much for your kind words! I had the discussion about logistics with him tonight. He's going to be retaining the apartment once the lease is up (I don't want it, nor can I live comfortably here on just my income). So it's really up to me to move out. My next step is to tell my parents, but I want a more concrete plan for housing before I do. I'm actively looking for a roommate, but if I can't find one I might have to move in with my parents again. Rents are really high where I live, and it's a weird time to be moving. I think they will be so kind and supportive to me, but it's their house and I don't want to encroach on their newly retired-ness if I don't have to.

We talked, and I learned that he is contacting his mistress again now that we're done (she's also separated now, surprise surprise). It's hard to live in the same house with that happening, but I told him he should get his own bedroom set and move into the spare room. I've at least kicked him out of my bed. Babysteps, right?

 

[ihy138]

NewEnglandLady - I agree! We actually decided we are going to sit down and craft a group e-mail to our mutual friends so that we both know what is going in there. Not sure when we will do that, just not election night. I think people are a little preoccupied. I presented him with a list of terms of separation tonight, including a percentage of his savings. He was agreeable to it. If he continues to cooperate, we are going to do no-fault and just file ourselves jointly. He really feels horrible, and I think he will give me whatever I ask for. He was taken aback when he heard my demands. I consulted with a lawyer friend who said they were more than fair, though. You're right, me staying here is only hurting me. He doesn't really care either way, although I have set some boundaries with him and I'm not sure he is used to it.

Thank you for starting this post. I haven't been through a divorce but will be. My husband and I are separated as of April when he moved out. I'd say we had a good relationship the first 10 years but after our second child, things changed. Maybe the basic thing was that he needed to step up a little more adult-wise, but didn't want or care to. I tried to accommodate this, but it put a lot of pressure on me. I really loved him, loved the idea of a marriage and family together, that we were in it together for each other and the kids, and had the dream of someday sitting in rocking chairs reminiscing on our life together. The last few years things were pretty bad, in retrospect. It was the classic gaslighting, of even the most basic thing (like the fridge is broken) calling me crazy, cutting me out of our mutual friends (who knows what he said why I wasn't there), not inviting me to things we used to do together like see his band, because I wasn't "supportive enough" (I actually was basically a roadie for his bands initially, painted a backdrop for one of his shows, etc so this really hurt). Then he gave me a dear Jane talk in February. I fought for the marriage, said a lot is at stake (we been together a long time, have two children together, a home together) and not to throw it away. But he continued to be standoffish quickly irritated at me. I still remember showing him the 5 horsemen of the apocalypse, saying that the way we were interacting was harmful to the marriage, and his response was "I don't know I think a certain level of contempt is normal in a marriage." And he left. A few days after he moved out, I found out he had been having an affair with a mutual friend for the past 4, 5 years (lots of lies and covering up). When I confronted him about this, he gave many conflicting reports and time lines, eventually broke up with her (she was too judgmental and demanding) and began sleeping with a co-worker 15 years younger. He goes to counseling, but still doesn't seem to have a lot of insight. There is no way not to feel like a sucker, a dupe. I've gone through much of the emotional turmoil and loss of this (though certain things like advertising about holidays with couples in them gets me), now I am more angry how this is affecting our two kids. Anyways reading these accounts helps me normalize what I am going through, and that I will get to the other side someday.

[/quote]

part gypsy - hugs to you for what you are going through! I can empathize a lot with how you feel and I'm so sorry. I feel like a sucker, too. Like my husband made a fool of me. But he didn't, and neither did your husband. They made fools of themselves. Stay strong over the holidays and surround yourself with people who love you. I'm sure your kids will look back and see what a constant source of support you are. It's too bad not everyone can be as committed as we are, isn't it? The world would be a better place, I think. Thank you so much for sharing your story and making me feel like I'm not alone.

 

[ihy138]

Sunstorm - So sorry you've been through this as well, and twice at that. To think that you can look back and have a positive perspective gives me hope. I'm so, so happy for you that you've found someone who makes your heart sing. And I thank you for your kind words and advice. I'm planning some trips away with the girls as we speak. I need to take care of me right now. I identify with what you said about being a career girl. Sometimes I feel that I'm more into my career than anything else. including having children. Special women like us are just too much for others to handle sometimes!

monarch64 - Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your experience. That you don't need to talk about it means it does not own you or define. I hope to reach that point someday.

upgradingmama - Thank you so much, that's very kind of you to reach out. I'm glad you like my bling.

 

[ihy138]

So sorry for what you are going through. Just answering because my situation was very similar to yours, age-wise and circumstance-wise.
It's hard when you get emotionally abandoned. My ex was like yours, online cheating and he was the one who wanted out. I'm sure there are differences too, but I see a lot of similarities. I was feeling just so confused and abandoned. I was always 100% committed. I'm sure some of the worst feelings you're going through are the confusion and hurt and abandonment and wondering how you could have deserved it and what you did to cause it.
First, you did NOTHING. People can choose to selfishly check out of a relationship no matter how wonderful you are. That's a scary thought because you feel like there is nothing you can do different. Well, deep inside you will know things that you don't know you know. Your heart will be able to watch out. You will probably feel like you aren't sure if you even want to marry again because it hurts too bad even when you do nothing wrong. Hopefully, like me, you will find someone so wonderful they are beyond your wildest dreams.
I was in my mid-twenties when I had my divorce. I thought my life was over. I felt so worthless and abandoned.
But if I could have seen a few years forward to where my life would be now, I would have divorced him sooner and without a tear! Every one of those moments of pain was nothing compared to what was waiting.
Your future is out there waiting. You'll come through stronger than you could have imagined, and you'll find possibilities too wonderful to hope for.
One of the best things I did was move in with my family. I thought they would be disapproving, but they were supportive. It's scary to tell others the truth and divorce feels so painfully public and embarrassing (not quite the right word, but it feels like failure). But when you tell others, you can get support.
You will lose some friends and make room for others. During a time like this, you will be in so much pain but you will have more clarity about yourself and others than ever before.
You are smart and fortunate to have a great therapist and an amazing head on your shoulders. You are young and this is so tough but there is still so much ahead of you. There was for me.
I'm so unbelievably happy now that even if I look back on those days, I just see them as a small part of what led me to the loving marriage and beautiful life I have now.
And honestly, I wouldn't go back and change those hard-fought, miserable, sad days and months for anything. It sounds weird, but I really felt alive and strong in those moments. I also felt miserable and so sad I could barely breathe, but again, it was all worth it.
Best wishes and I'll check in on this thread if you want to talk.

Kylier, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I'm really sorry this also happened to you. It seems like this story is all too common. You really gave me a lot to think about. First, I'm glad moving in with your family worked well for you. I, too, worry that I will be a huge disappointment/embarrassment. I know these are just my own fears. I think moving in with my family will actually be really good for me the more I think about it, but I'm not 100% sure yet. I'm ashamed to tell people, I think that's what it is. But I'm building up the strength to do this every day. I feel a lot like you felt - worthless, abandoned. So confused. How could I be so wrong about somebody? And you are right, that I'm so worried about this happening again that I'm inclined to avoid relationships completely. Your words make me want to try again someday. Thank you for that. You've given me a lot of hope.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I know you are feeling ashamed right now and feeling stress about telling your friends and family the situation.
My ex left me 3 weeks before our 25th anniversary.
I felt so ashamed and embarrassed by what I perceived as my biggest failure.

Here's what happened----as I began telling people, I was overwhelmed by the love and support I received. I was staggered.
Not one person made me feel ashamed or that I had failed. My elderly neighbor, a very salt of the earth Lutheran man, said simply "good---he was never home and you did all the yard work". I discovered how truly kind almost all people are and once it was out in the open I felt so much better.

You have plenty of support and you will be discovering that over the coming weeks/months.
Don't be surprised if more than one person tells you that they knew your husband was unfaithful or unworthy of you.
He is not fooling anyone. Your family may even tell you that they have been aware of your unhappiness for awhile.

People who know you (and him) have been watching this unfold and may have been aware for awhile that things were going south.

I'm not sure about the telling friends in a joint email, but you do what works for you. In this situation I don't think you owe him anything that makes it "easier" for him. He is a cheater, which almost guarantees he is also a liar. Not attractive qualities.
For that reason alone, I don't think you have to do the joint email unless it truly is easier/better for you. But that is up to YOU!

Best of luck--sounds as if you are working through this admirably!

 

[athenaworth]

I haven't read the other responses here but I wanted to chime in. I am recently divorced after 11 years. I can honestly say that what helped me survive was my friends. I opened up to many many people and had nothing but care and support from all of them. You're doing the right thing by opening up to PSers too. From my experience they are some of the kindest people I've ever known. Good luck to you.

 

[dk168]

My ex-hubby has a big kind and generous heart, and said at the time that if he could not make me happy, he would gladly step aside for someone who could.

He handled the divorce paperwork, we did not argue about who was going to keep what as he let me take whatever I wished to take with me.

Saved us a fortune in legal fees.

To this day, I am eternally grateful for his generosity, and count myself very lucky that we parted amicably.

We are still in very good terms, brotherly/sisterly love exists between us; and he was the second person I rang after my mum when I heard about my late partner's sudden death 8 years ago.

He has a relative who effectively lost the price of a family home and more to legal fees over who should have custody of the family dog, and we were determine we would not end up being so bitter and twisted.

I still joke about this with him, some may not find this funny, however, we still do on reflection: when we moved into our new house, I sourced and bought a set of stainless steel utensils, and joked that I would keep them if we were to part company. And yes, I took them away with me. However, I did get him a set of replacement pots and pans so that he could fend for himself.

Good luck to the OP.

DK

 

[Scandinavian]

Just wanted to check in on you and hear how you are doing? We are not going to let you drown in this election

EDIT: oh, and like Azstonie said, stop by the "now I really did it" thread if you need some support

 

[OreoRosies86]

I commend you for keeping a level head about this. No fault divorce doesn't have to cost a fortune if you put in the work and do it on your own.

However I really have to say again, it's NOT healthy for you to have him keep living in your home (it is yours, you didn't break it up) anyway, but ESPECIALLY while he continues to maintain an online relationship with this woman. He is an adult, he made choices and now he is going to have to live with them money or not. He can get a hotel room while you find a new apartment or crash on a friend's couch. It's mentally cruel to have to live with him still. Frankly I'm shocked he even thought that was an option (though I sympathize).

He needs to leave. Yesterday. Legally you have every reason in the world to tell him so, and it's highly unlikely he'd buck you on that.

Also, a joint group email? I don't think it's necessary. You don't need to do the whole "This is what happened but we wish each other well" thing. Call up a few close friends and family members privately and talk. He can do the same thing if he wants to. I feel like doing that is still holding onto doing things like that as a couple, and that mentality does need to end sooner rather than later.

 

[momhappy]

NewEnglandLady - I agree! We actually decided we are going to sit down and craft a group e-mail to our mutual friends so that we both know what is going in there. Not sure when we will do that, just not election night. I think people are a little preoccupied. I presented him with a list of terms of separation tonight, including a percentage of his savings. He was agreeable to it. If he continues to cooperate, we are going to do no-fault and just file ourselves jointly. He really feels horrible, and I think he will give me whatever I ask for. He was taken aback when he heard my demands. I consulted with a lawyer friend who said they were more than fair, though. You're right, me staying here is only hurting me. He doesn't really care either way, although I have set some boundaries with him and I'm not sure he is used to it.

Thank you for starting this post. I haven't been through a divorce but will be. My husband and I are separated as of April when he moved out. I'd say we had a good relationship the first 10 years but after our second child, things changed. Maybe the basic thing was that he needed to step up a little more adult-wise, but didn't want or care to. I tried to accommodate this, but it put a lot of pressure on me. I really loved him, loved the idea of a marriage and family together, that we were in it together for each other and the kids, and had the dream of someday sitting in rocking chairs reminiscing on our life together. The last few years things were pretty bad, in retrospect. It was the classic gaslighting, of even the most basic thing (like the fridge is broken) calling me crazy, cutting me out of our mutual friends (who knows what he said why I wasn't there), not inviting me to things we used to do together like see his band, because I wasn't "supportive enough" (I actually was basically a roadie for his bands initially, painted a backdrop for one of his shows, etc so this really hurt). Then he gave me a dear Jane talk in February. I fought for the marriage, said a lot is at stake (we been together a long time, have two children together, a home together) and not to throw it away. But he continued to be standoffish quickly irritated at me. I still remember showing him the 5 horsemen of the apocalypse, saying that the way we were interacting was harmful to the marriage, and his response was "I don't know I think a certain level of contempt is normal in a marriage." And he left. A few days after he moved out, I found out he had been having an affair with a mutual friend for the past 4, 5 years (lots of lies and covering up). When I confronted him about this, he gave many conflicting reports and time lines, eventually broke up with her (she was too judgmental and demanding) and began sleeping with a co-worker 15 years younger. He goes to counseling, but still doesn't seem to have a lot of insight. There is no way not to feel like a sucker, a dupe. I've gone through much of the emotional turmoil and loss of this (though certain things like advertising about holidays with couples in them gets me), now I am more angry how this is affecting our two kids. Anyways reading these accounts helps me normalize what I am going through, and that I will get to the other side someday.

part gypsy - hugs to you for what you are going through! I can empathize a lot with how you feel and I'm so sorry. I feel like a sucker, too. Like my husband made a fool of me. But he didn't, and neither did your husband. They made fools of themselves. Stay strong over the holidays and surround yourself with people who love you. I'm sure your kids will look back and see what a constant source of support you are. It's too bad not everyone can be as committed as we are, isn't it? The world would be a better place, I think. Thank you so much for sharing your story and making me feel like I'm not alone.[/quote]

Ihy138-
I think the group email is an interesting idea. It really demonstrates a level of maturity and I think it helps to diffuse some of the awkwardness that your mutual friends might be feeling. It sounds like you're doing a pretty good job so far with everything. I would encourage you to continue to prioritize yourself, maintain your boundaries, and keep moving onwards & upwards!

 

[ihy138]

Hi all! I am so sorry for neglecting your posts for a few days. This has been a week, hasn't it? The election, work, and a few events with friends have left me feeling exhausted. But I'm back and am still overwhelmed by the outpouring of support I have received here.

Elizabeth35 - Wow, what a strong woman you are! Thank you for sharing your store. Isn't amazing how people surprise you if you give them the chance? I still haven't told my parents. I'm pretty sure they know what's up because I've been pretty avoidant over the last week. I have told a few more friends and they have been incredibly sweet and supportive. I've gotten offers to "light sh*t on fire" or just go out for drinks at my discretion. My friends are offering support more than I dreamed. It's empowering and gives me the courage to finally break the news to my family. I'm thinking of doing it this weekend. People so far have been surprised to hear this, but I think it just goes to show why I've been so exhausted. It takes work pretending everything is okay. Thank you for your support and kind words.

athenaworth - thank you for posting! I realized a while back that I follow you on Instagram and I know you've been through a separation as well. I've admired you for a while, even before this happened to me. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you are rebuilding and living the life you dream! Or working toward it anyway.

dk168 - Your ex-husband sounds like a really stand-up guy. And the fact that he is still a support to you is really, really sweet. My husband and I hope to do this amicably as well and so far it is working. I know people go bankrupt over divorce, and I just can't see that happening here. Both of us want to have a decent future so we are willing to work together. Thanks so much for sharing your experience, DK.

 

[ihy138]

Just wanted to check in on you and hear how you are doing? We are not going to let you drown in this election

EDIT: oh, and like Azstonie said, stop by the "now I really did it" thread if you need some support

Thank you so much for checking in! Drown is not even the word to describe this week! Sorry for going non-responsive. I really have been busy this week, in a lot of good ways, too! I went to a friend's birthday party on Wednesday and told some folks what was going on. Of course they asked, "How's/where's your husband?" Made it easier to bring up. They've been nothing but supportive. I'm honestly doing okay. I'm just planning next steps. I would not be as okay without this thread, I assure you that. Thank you and everyone else for that.

I commend you for keeping a level head about this. No fault divorce doesn't have to cost a fortune if you put in the work and do it on your own.

However I really have to say again, it's NOT healthy for you to have him keep living in your home (it is yours, you didn't break it up) anyway, but ESPECIALLY while he continues to maintain an online relationship with this woman. He is an adult, he made choices and now he is going to have to live with them money or not. He can get a hotel room while you find a new apartment or crash on a friend's couch. It's mentally cruel to have to live with him still. Frankly I'm shocked he even thought that was an option (though I sympathize).

He needs to leave. Yesterday. Legally you have every reason in the world to tell him so, and it's highly unlikely he'd buck you on that.

Also, a joint group email? I don't think it's necessary. You don't need to do the whole "This is what happened but we wish each other well" thing. Call up a few close friends and family members privately and talk. He can do the same thing if he wants to. I feel like doing that is still holding onto doing things like that as a couple, and that mentality does need to end sooner rather than later.

Aww, thanks for thinking I'm level. Sometimes I feel all over the place! Our divorce should cost about $200 to file if we remain amicable and do everything ourselves. Since he is willing to give me what I'm asking (which is really more than fair), I think we will go this route.

You're right, I need to not be living with him anymore. Two nights ago he approached me and said that he isn't sure how to act. This is uncharted territory. He still is cooking for us sometimes, though we don't eat together. I'm still cleaning and doing the dishes. I told him we are roommates and that should inform how we treat each other. I don't think he liked that. We don't really speak to each other and keep to opposite ends of the home. It's actually worked quite well for me, but I don't think he's having an easy go of it. I think he wants me to leave, too, but he's been open that he wants me to take all the time I need. I couldn't ask him to leave. He takes care of our dog most of the time (I work longer hours), and I just don't think that would be fair to the pup. Legally I'm not even sure that I could enforce that since his name is on the lease as well.

He says he misses my friendship. I told him he misses our relationship but he was mistaking that for friendship. I asked him if something happened to make him say that and it turns out the mistress has gone from hot to cold quite quickly on him. Funny how people miss you when their first choice goes away. NO THANK YOU! I stood my ground, told him he made his decision, and I was working on getting out. I've been looking for roommates with no success. I was hoping to tell my parents with a concrete plan for housing, but it looks like I might be asking them to live there as well. They have a large-ish house and it's just the two of them with their dog, so they have room for me. It's a little hard for me to swallow going from a place of my own to a single room, but on the bright side I might have the whole second floor to myself at their place. Thank you for checking in and keeping me on the right path. I mean it.

 

[ihy138]

momhappy - thank you for your reply! It's funny, when I tell people in person they kind of just blankly stare for a second and then say "are you serious?" I hate it. I would love to avoid that whole thing. I'm telling my friends in person as I see them. However, we have mutual friends that like to come hang out all the time and we haven't told them yet. I think a group message to them (there are 5-6 of them) will help them and help us get it out on the table. It will allow me to see what he is telling them as well. I don't want to give him the chance to spin this. Thanks for your advice - onward and upward!

 

[arkieb1]

I'd make a guess and say now that he has lost you he has probably started to be needy and demanding towards the other woman which is why she has suddenly grown cold. IMHO people that have internet romances and romances in their heads and even affairs might be great at fantasy, but when they have to live with each other in the real world they sometimes aren't equipped for the trite every day stuff, the every day stuff just doesn't fit with the thrill of illicit meetings or being chased or chasing someone. That and the fact she might have worked out her own husband was probably a better catch than your husband.

Please, once again I stress take care of yourself, your parents will love you for you no matter what. You didn't hurt or disappoint anyone. You married a guy who put you in a shitty position. If he can do that to you once he can and will do it again. I'm another person that speaks from experience, and one of the most difficult things for me to rationalise was he didn't have the courage to say this isn't working and just move on, or move out or leave, I could have dealt with that, but being cheated on and lied to, I can honestly say all of the wonderful decent women on this forum that were put in that position, are worth so much more than that, we deserved so much more than that...... Move out as soon as you can, get on with your life and as hard as it is now, know there is better to come for you, because you are a great person and you deserve so MUCH more.