Any gifts ever left you feeling ... bad?

[decodelighted]

This is going to sound really sad. Even as I write this I know it sounds bad. My entire family pitches in for a single gift for each person. Basically I spend 2-3 days buying everyone a gift and sending people the bill because they don't want to shop. Then I wrap all the gifts and I'm also responsible for Christmas dinner (turkey etc., the whole stuff).

Oh Allycat -- we've been down this road so many times. You teach people how to treat you. STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY. Just take the year off. Let the chips fall where they may. Oops no presents. Ooops no dinner. Oh well. Nothing will change until YOU CHANGE.

 

[iheartscience]

I think the key is to keep expectation LOW. Like BASEMENT level. Really wonderful surprises and gifts you truly love are EXCEPTIONS -- not the rule. And they rarely time out perfectly with big dates or life events.

I try to concentrate on the pot of coffee made in the morning, the back scratch ... the candy bar from the gas station .... those are the things that matter so much more on an everyday basis.

Yes definitely! My husband is much better at this than the big life event presents! Well, that's entirely not true-he's actually great at the big life event presents because he lets me pick them out myself! They just won't ever be a surprise and I've come to accept that!

 

[missy]

This is going to sound really sad. Even as I write this I know it sounds bad. My entire family pitches in for a single gift for each person. Basically I spend 2-3 days buying everyone a gift and sending people the bill because they don't want to shop. Then I wrap all the gifts and I'm also responsible for Christmas dinner (turkey etc., the whole stuff).

And yeah, no one buys me a gift, and I don't get a pitched in gift, because apparently I'm too hard to buy for, because *I don't want anything.* So I don't get to say it out loud, but every year, I feel as though I'm not as valued as the rest of my family. Presents from my husband are also starting to go down the slippery slope of, "Taking you out to dinner" for my 30th birthday, I kind of hinted I wanted a little something extra because I was feeling a little sad about turning 30....well, he didn't buy me anything. He took me to dinner (not fancy, as I'm not fancy...I think I ate a smoked meat sandwhich??? And he wrote me a card). I feel rotten writing this, because he treats me really well, but I miss the days when birthdays/ Christmas meant he would be thinking of something cute or special to get or do for me.

Oh Ally, I am so sorry that your family does this to you. I don't know the details of the situation so forgive me if this is none of my business but have you ever tried telling them how this makes you feel? Really talking to them about this and explaining how it makes you feel less valued because no one goes to the extra effort to think of you and what you might like? This makes me so mad for you!
I also think it is outrageous that you have the task of buying a gift for everyone else and wrapping them too! C'mon, that is just too much and from my perspective (and take it for what it's worth and feel free to ignore if it's none of my business) they are really taking advantage of you.

As for your dh sometimes men need to be hit over the head with how you would like things done and unless you make it *crystal* clear it's not going to have the desired result. I might say something like, dh, I really love it when you make a big deal over my birthday/Christmas/insert any occasion here and buy me something really special - it makes me feel so loved and appreciated and happy. Something like that.

Hope I didn't overstep Ally but I don't like when people get taken advantage of- even by their own family. Wishing you have a happy and healthy holiday season!

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I must have been 6-7 years old {but I knew there was no Santa}. I wanted a doll. A baby doll I could dress and mother. I kept tellling my parents, even showing them some of the dolls in the Sears catalog {remember that?}. Anyway, I went to bed Christmas Eve full of expectation of getting my doll.

I should have know better, even at that age. The doll I got was a "My Fair Lady" doll, all dressed up. A doll to put on a shelf and admire and not to be played with. I was so disappointed I cried. And then got in trouble for crying. And the rest of the presents I got were taken away from me for not being grateful.

And that was one of the more peaceful holidays in my parent''s household. I do NOT have happy memories of my childhood with the exception of my paternal grandparents. They did what they could when they could.

 

[mogster]

I must have been 6-7 years old {but I knew there was no Santa}. I wanted a doll. A baby doll I could dress and mother. I kept tellling my parents, even showing them some of the dolls in the Sears catalog {remember that?}. Anyway, I went to bed Christmas Eve full of expectation of getting my doll.

The same thing happened to me except that I received a Barbie instead!! I had asked for a baby sister doll that I could take care of (expecting a Cabbage Patch doll) and when I got a mermaid Barbie, I thought, I'm supposed to treat a doll with the figure of a disproportionate adult woman like a baby sister??!

 

[Gypsy]

This is going to sound really sad. Even as I write this I know it sounds bad. My entire family pitches in for a single gift for each person. Basically I spend 2-3 days buying everyone a gift and sending people the bill because they don't want to shop. Then I wrap all the gifts and I'm also responsible for Christmas dinner (turkey etc., the whole stuff).

Oh Allycat -- we've been down this road so many times. You teach people how to treat you. STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY. Just take the year off. Let the chips fall where they may. Oops no presents. Ooops no dinner. Oh well. Nothing will change until YOU CHANGE.

Though it will fall on deaf ears: ditto Deco.

 

[Gypsy]

In my family we return. Gifts always come with a receipt. We've all tried to buy the perfect gift only to have the recipient return it for something that wasn't even on your radar. So now I just make sure it's acceptable and that I've spent enough so that when they return it they can get something nice.

In my family it's the amount you spent and the store you bought from. If you get those right, you've done a good enough job. In a way-- it's the thought that counts with my family, not how well you did with the actual gift.

My mother always buys what SHE thinks is the best gift, and I've given up trying to say what I would rather have and just know that I can return whatever it is she buys.

The only really resentful present is the rug I got for my law school graduation, but I've got it on consignment now and when it sells I'll get myself whatever I want.

My DH is pretty good with presents. But I always send him a list anyway. And always make sure to tell him that he can go off list. Or if there is something in particular I want, and I ONLY want that, I tell him that too. I don't believe that gift giving should be riddled up with angst.

Lottie, I'm so glad you talked to your husband and that he heard you. I had a similar talk (though not about gift giving) with my husband yesterday and I'm hoping it worked as well. ((HUGS))

 

[HopeDream]

Christmas/my birthday was a severe dissapointment between ages 7 and 18.

I never knew what I wanted, but somehow hoped my family would be able to figure out something I'd like. Then I'd receive random things that were disapointing in their blandness - an ugly watch, a small television (why?), dull books, 2 copies of the one CD I said I wanted, stuffed animals, a flash drive (when they were really new). Fine things - but not really 'me'. I'm quite good at buying gifts for other people, so not getting thoughtful things in return was a bit hurtful.

Then I finally realised that 1) I don't like surprises (My mother values them highly and taught us there was nothng better than a surprise) and 2) I'm not really a "stuff" person. Now my family generaly gives me money - which I put toward something big and useful - like a vaccuum cleaner.

On a sad note, I think my parents still don't really know who I am, and haven't noticed how much I've changed in the last 15 years.

My fiance is great at getting gifts, he spoils me

 

[partgypsy]

Wow, some of these stories are so sad. It's not about the gift being bad, but the lack of relationship/respect or thoughtfulness behind it. I mean were some of these people raised by wolves?

My mother has some similar stories when she was growing up, money was tight. One time she really wanted a twinset sweater (everyone had them) and she got something else instead. And one year she really wanted a camelhair coat. That's all she wanted. She did get one, but it was a used men's coat that didn't fit her, so she felt embarrassed wearing it. That was on par with how she was treated at home. She was the good older sister who was supposed to, after doing amazingly well in school, when she applied for college her parents telling her they weren't paying for her college, they were saving that money for her younger brothers, and instead wanted her to get a job to help support the family.

Myself I haven't had any presents that have made me feel bad in this way. My husband is rather clueless about presents but doesn't make me personally feel bad. I've given up giving him hints or lists (he doesn't ever ask what I want, and if I tell him something he has told me it's not really a gift if I thought of the idea so he won't give that to me). So I always get the same gifts from him. Typically they are used books that are wrapped up, and then something useful for the house (I'm guessing a waffle iron because ours broke), sometimes a gift card. So I have about 0 expectation he will surprise me with an unexpected romantic gift. for example it's the 21st? And he hasn't started his shopping yet.

 

[allycat0303]

Missy,

No worries, as Deco has said, it's not as if the family thing is new. My relationship with my family has always been a bit difficult. There's a lot of cultural stuff involved too, being the *oldest* in the family comes with a lot of expectations of how you are supposed to care for the family. There is a certain aspect of me that enables the to act this way, because I don't speak up. I did disappear for about 2-3 months, pretty much refusing to speak to anyone in my family because I needed a *break from them*. Generally they are very demanding, and I needed time off. It didn't really change their behaviour but it was very relaxing.

Actually I found my husband the most annoying. Knowing a man's tendency to not *get stuff* I warned him 2+ weeks ahead by saying, "I am turning 30 and I am depressed. I want you to plan something more then the usual * restaurant and card* that will not cut it this year." Anyways, birthday came, and there were no reservations, no present nothing. It was pretty sad.

 

[Lottie]

In my family we return. Gifts always come with a receipt. We've all tried to buy the perfect gift only to have the recipient return it for something that wasn't even on your radar. So now I just make sure it's acceptable and that I've spent enough so that when they return it they can get something nice.

In my family it's the amount you spent and the store you bought from. If you get those right, you've done a good enough job. In a way-- it's the thought that counts with my family, not how well you did with the actual gift.

My mother always buys what SHE thinks is the best gift, and I've given up trying to say what I would rather have and just know that I can return whatever it is she buys.

The only really resentful present is the rug I got for my law school graduation, but I've got it on consignment now and when it sells I'll get myself whatever I want.

My DH is pretty good with presents. But I always send him a list anyway. And always make sure to tell him that he can go off list. Or if there is something in particular I want, and I ONLY want that, I tell him that too. I don't believe that gift giving should be riddled up with angst.

Lottie, I'm so glad you talked to your husband and that he heard you. I had a similar talk (though not about gift giving) with my husband yesterday and I'm hoping it worked as well. ((HUGS))

Thanks Gypsy, I hope your talk worked out for you too.

 

[rosetta]

Oh my. Some of these stories leave me agog

I'm lucky that I receiving womdeful gifts, especially from my husband. I keep a running wish list that he can pick from: I see no reason to make his life difficult. He likes surprises and is easy to buy for so I'm happy about that.

This thread has really brought out some tough stuff. Gifts matter.

 

[chemgirl]

I am lucky that my husband is pretty good with gifts (well when it comes to gadgety things).

This really wasn't the case with my ex boyfriend. I remember one year we agreed on a budget of around $50 each. He bought me a scarf and a Tears for Fears cd. This was 5 years ago, so although I kinda like Tears for Fears, I was a little perplexed. Also, I love to knit and had several scarfs. I pasted on my best fake smile and praised him for picking out such a great gift. Then I asked him how he knew I liked Tears for Fears. Turns out it was a lucky guess. He bought it because the scarf was a little under $50 and he needed to pad the gift. He bought the scarf because he knows I like knitting? I later found the receipt in the bottom of the box. He spent $49.99 including tax. Guy must have been walking around that department store with a calculator

I felt like he just picked out two random things to meet the budget without giving any thought to what I would like. I spent hours trying to find him his gift so it wasn't a good feeling.

 

[marchesa6989]

my view point is that when people care about you, they should want to make you happy. gift giving is part of that, and a way to show someone that you were thinking of them and put effort into finding something they would like. if that involves providing a list or major hints, then so be it, but to get something that is completely the opposite of what someone would like shows poor insight and character.

that being said my mother always told me never to expect things from people. it only leads to disappointment. if you have no expectations, every time something good happens its a really pleasant surprise! (although i am very fortunate in that my parents have always given me fantastic gifts). i also think communication is important...beating around the bush or being shy about being displeased doesn't get the message across and sometimes people don't know they're hurting your feelings.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Oh my. Where do I start?!? I have had a couple that were so bad, it's comical! My ex got me something super boring, practical and last-minute for nearly every occasion. The worst was probably the floormats for my car. They were from Costco, and for whatever delusional reason, he thought they were just great, and I think he thought he was very clever for getting them, "see! You really need these! Aren't they great?!?!"

My fiancé got me a DVD player for Christmas one year (after I said I DO NOT want a DVD player), and an anondized aluminum skillet for my bday the same year. I was not stoked about those gifts, but he has learned.

 

[star sparkle]

One year, my ex was raving on and on and on and on about this FABULOUS, BESTEST gift in the whole wide universe that he had gotten me! I was in agony for weeks because he kept teasing me by talking about how great it was (and he was serious, not joking the slightest bit) and how much I was going to love it. Well we had been together for 3 or so years at that point, so he knew me and that I was a shoe fanatic, loved all things jewelry, purses, what have you. So yeah, of course I was really excited! Christmas comes, and I get the gift...it was tickets to see the Harlem Globetrotters.

Now don't get me wrong, it was a fun thing for us to do. But after all that hype and talk about the best present in the world, I was just a wee bit disappointed and felt let down. And then he genuinely couldn't understand why I wasn't over the moon about it.