Any gifts ever left you feeling ... bad?

[Circe]

Have you ever received a gift that's left you feeling sort of "meh?" For any reason - because of the quality/price/nature, because you had to hint so heavily it took the fun out of it, because of the means of presentation, because of a backhanded compliment implicit in the purchase (here I find myself thinking of the dude I know who got his girlfriend a WaterPik and a gym membership). Figure 'tis the season to tread carefully!

 

[Jennifer W]

Ah yes. It's a birthday gift, though. Every year, my mother gets me a matching Chanel lipstick and nail polish. I wear clear or pale cream nail polish maybe twice a year and lipstick never. It's a gift I would have adored when I was 14, and that's what makes me feel bad. My mother has no idea who I am, in her head I'm still the 14 year old kid she doesn't get along with.

To put it in context, my mother showed me a copy of her Will recently, which bequeaths all her possessions to someone with my first name and my husband's last name. That isn't my name, so I won't inherit from her. My own mother either can't or won't get my name right, so I'm not sure why I thought she'd be picking out a gift I'd use. I just put them in a closet. With all the others. Every year. It makes me sad though.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Ah yes. It's a birthday gift, though. Every year, my mother gets me a matching Chanel lipstick and nail polish. I wear clear or pale cream nail polish maybe twice a year and lipstick never. It's a gift I would have adored when I was 14, and that's what makes me feel bad. My mother has no idea who I am, in her head I'm still the 14 year old kid she doesn't get along with.

To put it in context, my mother showed me a copy of her Will recently, which bequeaths all her possessions to someone with my first name and my husband's last name. That isn't my name, so I won't inherit from her. My own mother either can't or won't get my name right, so I'm not sure why I thought she'd be picking out a gift I'd use. I just put them in a closet. With all the others. Every year. It makes me sad though.

Oh my Jen I'm so sad to hear about your Mother! I am sure that you have a very different relationship with your little angel though. Did you tell her about the will so she can fix it?

 

[Jennifer W]

Thank you Asscherhalo_lover. I did tell her, so who know what she'll do. I think it's more so I'll have to change my name to inherit, but I did explain to her that I won't be doing that, so her estate will go to the Treasury. I guess time will tell.#

Her birthday gifts are bitter sweet. As I said, I'd have LOVED to receive them when I was younger, I mean, I'd have walked over hot coals to get to them as a teen. It's just that as an 30 something adult, I don't use these items. I guess I'm just sad that she didn't notice, or possibly just irritated that she noticed but thought I should use them. Ah well.

This year, I took them back to the store and told the sales lady that I didn't have a gift receipt, and that I couldn't ask for one because it would hurt my mother's feelings (it really would). She must have felt sorry for me, because I got to exchange them for a really lovely fragrance (No 19 Poudre) which I wear daily at the moment. So, in a way, I got a lovely gift from my mother, I suppose.

I am sorely tempted to take my whole collection back now, see if they'll exchange that,

 

[asscherisme]

Ah yes. It's a birthday gift, though. Every year, my mother gets me a matching Chanel lipstick and nail polish. I wear clear or pale cream nail polish maybe twice a year and lipstick never. It's a gift I would have adored when I was 14, and that's what makes me feel bad. My mother has no idea who I am, in her head I'm still the 14 year old kid she doesn't get along with.

To put it in context, my mother showed me a copy of her Will recently, which bequeaths all her possessions to someone with my first name and my husband's last name. That isn't my name, so I won't inherit from her. My own mother either can't or won't get my name right, so I'm not sure why I thought she'd be picking out a gift I'd use. I just put them in a closet. With all the others. Every year. It makes me sad though.

Sorry to hear she makes you feel bad. I don't have any relationship with my mother (she left us, abusive alcholic so it was probably for the best).

Anyway, regarding the will, I don't think you will have an issue claiming assets. My grandfather did the same thing to me. He left it to my first name and my ex's last name. I never changed my name when I married and to top it off was divorce by the time he died.

It was a few hoops to go through but the estate lawyer did the foot work for me. I just needed to show documents showing my birth cert, and marriage cert and the lawyer was able to prove it was me.

It did feel bad though that even though my grandfather left me a generous gift, he didn't even know my name!

 

[iLander]

Oh, I have a few of those;

A few years ago, my son (he was 23) showed up on Mother's Day with no gift. We had a good relationship at the time, he came over for a dinner 3-4 times a weeks, he lived rent-free in a house we owned a few blocks away, I thought everything was fine and he never indicated anything otherwise. He often said things like "you guys are the best parents in the world", etc. After a few hours, it was obvious no gift (or card) was forthcoming (DD and DH gave me lovely gifts) and DD and DH gave him a hard time. He begrudgingly went out and bought me a deck of cards. It was like a slap in the face and I was just stunned by the whole thing. He had a great job at the time, so it wasn't like he had no money.

I don't play cards or anything . . .

I got a dictionary for my 12th birthday. It was from my parents. That was all there was. They never got me a cake or anything, I would have to ride my bike to the store and bring it home in my bicycle basket. I grew fond of the Pepperidge Farm frozen cakes, because they didn't give me more than a couple of bucks to buy the cake with. No, we weren't poor.

For high school graduation, the parents got me a potted chrysanthemum. That was it. I still hate those flowers. Even a pen set would have been nice enough. Oh, and they didn't show up, they just sent the mums with a friend. The graduation was in a gym, and they didn't like to sit on bleachers.

 

[Haven]

Yes. Most of the gifts my father has given me have left me feeling some kind of bad. He usually forgets that it is or was my birthday, and then lies about a gift coming in the mail or left at home, etc. The absent gifts are always grand and perfectly chosen for me. Those gifts never come, and he'll end up bringing a gift card he purchased and printed out online right before he sees me next.

I don't care about the gifts. It hurts because he forgets about me every year, or doesn't care enough to think about me in the first place. YET, I keep forgiving him for so many other things that are so much bigger than these gift gaffs, and some small part of me hopes that he'll get it right the next time. And he never does. And I know he never will. But he's the only father I have, and one day he'll be gone, and I struggle with cutting him out of my life completely because of that. My former SIL's father was pretty awful to her, much worse than my own father. But once, when a cousin was complaining about his father she said "You know, my father could be the meanest man in the world sometimes, but there is nothing I wouldn't give to see him alive again for just five minutes." That's always stuck with me.

 

[Jennifer W]

Ah yes. It's a birthday gift, though. Every year, my mother gets me a matching Chanel lipstick and nail polish. I wear clear or pale cream nail polish maybe twice a year and lipstick never. It's a gift I would have adored when I was 14, and that's what makes me feel bad. My mother has no idea who I am, in her head I'm still the 14 year old kid she doesn't get along with.

To put it in context, my mother showed me a copy of her Will recently, which bequeaths all her possessions to someone with my first name and my husband's last name. That isn't my name, so I won't inherit from her. My own mother either can't or won't get my name right, so I'm not sure why I thought she'd be picking out a gift I'd use. I just put them in a closet. With all the others. Every year. It makes me sad though.

Sorry to hear she makes you feel bad. I don't have any relationship with my mother (she left us, abusive alcholic so it was probably for the best).

Anyway, regarding the will, I don't think you will have an issue claiming assets. My grandfather did the same thing to me. He left it to my first name and my ex's last name. I never changed my name when I married and to top it off was divorce by the time he died.

It was a few hoops to go through but the estate lawyer did the foot work for me. I just needed to show documents showing my birth cert, and marriage cert and the lawyer was able to prove it was me.

It did feel bad though that even though my grandfather left me a generous gift, he didn't even know my name!

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, that must have been very painful for you. Hugs.
I'm sure I could claim her estate, although she hasn't 'designed' me in her Will. It isn't "to my daughter Jennifer Wrongname" it's just "to Jennifer Wrongname" which makes quite a difference (in Scotland, where we both live). I could go to court and might well have it made over to me, but I'm not going to. If she doesn't correct it, she didn't leave it to me, as far as I'm concerned. I'm sorry you had to deal with that over your grandfather's estate. Just one more thing you don't need to think about at a time like that.

It occurs to me that she might find my gifts just as disappointing, now I think about it. I often buy her jewellery, because she wears it, every day. Not any of the stuff I give her though. I made her a ruby pedant for Christmas, $20 says she never, ever puts it on, not even on Christmas day. I might be being unfair here, since she wears a ring I made for her, but she asked for that and drew a picture of the design she wanted, so who knows? Mothers! I confidently expect my kid will be here in 20 or so years, talking to Circe's kid about how crazy we are and how bad we are at picking gifts...

 

[iLander]

Yes. Most of the gifts my father has given me have left me feeling some kind of bad. He usually forgets that it is or was my birthday, and then lies about a gift coming in the mail or left at home, etc. The absent gifts are always grand and perfectly chosen for me. Those gifts never come, and he'll end up bringing a gift card he purchased and printed out online right before he sees me next.

I don't care about the gifts. It hurts because he forgets about me every year, or doesn't care enough to think about me in the first place. YET, I keep forgiving him for so many other things that are so much bigger than these gift gaffs, and some small part of me hopes that he'll get it right the next time. And he never does. And I know he never will. But he's the only father I have, and one day he'll be gone, and I struggle with cutting him out of my life completely because of that. My former SIL's father was pretty awful to her, much worse than my own father. But once, when a cousin was complaining about his father she said "You know, my father could be the meanest man in the world sometimes, but there is nothing I wouldn't give to see him alive again for just five minutes." That's always stuck with me.

Your Dad sounds like my dad, a total loser. It took me years to realize that his parents spoiled him and he thought only of himself. He never took responsibility for anything, never stepped up and helped out, and I was a disappointment because I wasn't pretty (never mind the straight A's and full scholarships). I finally snapped one day, when he asked for yet another favor, and I didn't speak to him for 14 straight years and I didn't miss him the whole time.

He came back around a couple of years ago, all full of apologies, and promised things would be better. Then the same old thing; too busy to come visit, his car doesn't work, he doesn't have time, etc.

I recently found a birthday card from him, sent for my fifth birthday. It said he couldn't come see me because he was too busy and his car didn't work.

Moral of the story is that I accept that he's a narcissist and that he will never change. I have no interest in involving him in my life, and giving him the power to disappoint me yet again. So, occassionally I forward an email joke. But that's it.

It's nice that you can look at your dad with some love, Haven, but realize he won't change. Drop the expectations, and don't let him hurt you any more . . .

 

[Haven]

I hear you, ILander. My best friend has a very similar dad, she calls both of our fathers narcissists all the time. I'm sorry you have the same situation.

I think my father is mentally ill, for reasons I won't explain here. His younger brother died at age 42 of a brain tumor, and while I was closer to my uncle as a child, he did things that hurt my family in my teen years. By the time he became sick I had already cut him out of my life and so I chose not to go see him after he became sick. I didn't attend his funeral, either. Now, eight years later, I regret it. I never could have predicted I would regret it, of course, but I do. I don't want to feel a deeper regret with my father once he's gone and that's why I keep him in my life.

I'm getting better at expecting less, but for some reason I still allow my father to hurt me when he pulls the same old stunts. I'm very lucky to have a wonderful FIL who behaves just like a father should, and treats me like his own daughter. Even my sister's FIL is amazing, and he treats me like one of his own, too. I'm very lucky to have so many stand-in fathers.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Wow, these stories are sad, but I can completely understand how these types of gifts would be a disappointment. Again, it's not about the gifts, but the feeling behind them. I'm so sorry!

I have a different story where I was disappointed and have always regretted it.

When I was about 14 or 15 I was really into music--I planned to be a music major in college. I really, really wanted a new clarinet for Christmas because I only had my beginner plastic clarinet and I wanted a wooden one. My family did NOT have much money, so buying a new instrument was kind of a big deal.

On Christmas morning I woke up and unwrapped my new wooden clarinet. Which was actually a used clarinet. My mother had done research on good brands and my clarinet teacher had suggested getting a used clarinet for Christmas in order to save money. I didn't realize all of that until LATER, but my mother knew I was disappointed because when I opened it I just stared at it silently for a minute or two. My mom felt REALLY bad that I wasn't excited and I'll always feel really bad about it. Seriously, in a "top things I regret in my life" list, I think that making my parents feel bad about that gift is probably #1.

 

[asscherisme]

Ah yes. It's a birthday gift, though. Every year, my mother gets me a matching Chanel lipstick and nail polish. I wear clear or pale cream nail polish maybe twice a year and lipstick never. It's a gift I would have adored when I was 14, and that's what makes me feel bad. My mother has no idea who I am, in her head I'm still the 14 year old kid she doesn't get along with.

To put it in context, my mother showed me a copy of her Will recently, which bequeaths all her possessions to someone with my first name and my husband's last name. That isn't my name, so I won't inherit from her. My own mother either can't or won't get my name right, so I'm not sure why I thought she'd be picking out a gift I'd use. I just put them in a closet. With all the others. Every year. It makes me sad though.

Sorry to hear she makes you feel bad. I don't have any relationship with my mother (she left us, abusive alcholic so it was probably for the best).

Anyway, regarding the will, I don't think you will have an issue claiming assets. My grandfather did the same thing to me. He left it to my first name and my ex's last name. I never changed my name when I married and to top it off was divorce by the time he died.

It was a few hoops to go through but the estate lawyer did the foot work for me. I just needed to show documents showing my birth cert, and marriage cert and the lawyer was able to prove it was me.

It did feel bad though that even though my grandfather left me a generous gift, he didn't even know my name!

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, that must have been very painful for you. Hugs.
I'm sure I could claim her estate, although she hasn't 'designed' me in her Will. It isn't "to my daughter Jennifer Wrongname" it's just "to Jennifer Wrongname" which makes quite a difference (in Scotland, where we both live). I could go to court and might well have it made over to me, but I'm not going to. If she doesn't correct it, she didn't leave it to me, as far as I'm concerned. I'm sorry you had to deal with that over your grandfather's estate. Just one more thing you don't need to think about at a time like that.

It occurs to me that she might find my gifts just as disappointing, now I think about it. I often buy her jewellery, because she wears it, every day. Not any of the stuff I give her though. I made her a ruby pedant for Christmas, $20 says she never, ever puts it on, not even on Christmas day. I might be being unfair here, since she wears a ring I made for her, but she asked for that and drew a picture of the design she wanted, so who knows? Mothers! I confidently expect my kid will be here in 20 or so years, talking to Circe's kid about how crazy we are and how bad we are at picking gifts...

Hugs right back at ya. I did not realize you were in Scotland. I'm in the U.S. Very different laws I'm sure.

 

[Maisie]

Thank you Asscherhalo_lover. I did tell her, so who know what she'll do. I think it's more so I'll have to change my name to inherit, but I did explain to her that I won't be doing that, so her estate will go to the Treasury. I guess time will tell.#

Her birthday gifts are bitter sweet. As I said, I'd have LOVED to receive them when I was younger, I mean, I'd have walked over hot coals to get to them as a teen. It's just that as an 30 something adult, I don't use these items. I guess I'm just sad that she didn't notice, or possibly just irritated that she noticed but thought I should use them. Ah well.

This year, I took them back to the store and told the sales lady that I didn't have a gift receipt, and that I couldn't ask for one because it would hurt my mother's feelings (it really would). She must have felt sorry for me, because I got to exchange them for a really lovely fragrance (No 19 Poudre) which I wear daily at the moment. So, in a way, I got a lovely gift from my mother, I suppose.

I am sorely tempted to take my whole collection back now, see if they'll exchange that,

Jen if you decide to sell your Chanel nail polishes let me know. I wear them almost daily and you could buy yourself something lovely. You know where I am if you want to.

 

[yssie]

NEL your story made me cringe - I have one kinda like it. When I was maybe seven or eight I woke to find a bookbag under our mini-tree on Christmas. I was thrilled - I'd been bugging my parents for a new bookbag. It was filled with books, which turned out to be study guides for the statewide school exams I'd be taking that year... I remember bursting into tears, and then feeling terrible for it, and still hating the 'gift'... it wasn't supposed to be a joke or anything like that, my parents honestly thought I'd like them, and were baffled when I didnt. Ironically enough if someone wanted to get me textbooks now I'd be thrilled!

I have to say that was the only bust though. My parents were always generous with gifts - whatever I wanted, I got, I just had to ask for it and promise I'd use it. When I wanted to learn to play the violin they got me one, and lessons, right away, when I outgrew that one they got me a new one, and when that one wasn't good enough anymore they and my grandparents splurged on a really incredible instrument and didn't blink... My mum tracked down BBC transcripts of Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister for my college graduation and I *adore* those...


I don't usually get gifts anymore from anyone other than DH and his parents, and his grandmother - but I don't really expect them. I feel bad when my friends forget to call me on my birthday, and in the past few years that's become a more and more common occurrence... one told me last year that she didn't remember because I didn't have a facebook account to keep her updated, and that felt horrible

 

[Lottie]

My FIL is a truly lovely man in lots of ways but he is awful at gift giving, he doesn't like it, doesn't see the point and views any kind of financial 'frivolity' with suspicion (he was a war baby who grew up with very little as a child and then went into finance so I can understand why he is the way he is).

A little of this has rubbed off on my husband and it has taken me a long time get him to see things from a different angle. A few examples -

- For my birthday once he presented me with a variety of bizzarely matched clothes in different sizes from the shop next to his office - not one item fitted me!

- He bought me an amethyst bracelet for my 21st - I hate amethyst, always have. It turned out that he had given a girl in the office the task of finding me something.

- For my first mothers day he didn't get me a card and when I asked why, he replied that it was ridiculous as our daughter couldn't write yet. The year after he handed me a card whilst saying how silly the whole thing was and that he didn't see the point.

- I had to plan my own meal with our friends for my 30th birthday.

In the end, I sat him down and explained that when he did these things, it showed me how little he thought of me and made me really unhappy. I also pointed out that I had married him and not his father and I would not be quietly putting up with that kind of thoughtlessness for the next forty years. He was horrified that it upset me that much, apologised and drastically changed his gift giving outlook.

For my birthday this year he sat and made cards with the children and then took them out to choose me a little gift. he gave me a lie in on the morning and when I got up he gave me a card to open while we were out having brunch. When I opened the card it said to take it to my favourite kitchen shop (attached to brunch venue) and hand it over to the staff at the counter. They brought out a huge wrapped box which, when I opened it contained a Kitchenaid (something I have always wanted but assumed I would never have) and I was then able to choose whatever colour I wanted. I cried like a baby in the middle of the shop. I have never been surprised like it.

 

[Lottie]

I also wanted to add that when my twin and I were 12 we both got fishing rods for our birthdays, I was VERY disappointed because I had really wanted a perm and a skirt with leggings attached. Being an ungrateful cow I made my feelings clear. My poor Dad had decided that we should have the rods because he wanted to take his girls out fishing and spend some time with us. We did go fishing and had a great time but I regret being so vocal about my dissapointment. My Mum and Dad did see the funny side and we still laugh now about my reaction to that present.

 

[lliang_chi]

Haven, iLander, our fathers all must be cut from the same cloth/mold. I feel my father is the same way, total narcissist, can and will only think of himself and how things affect him. My sister and I have been more fortunate to have a better relationship with my him (compared to my brother), but it's still draining. He's in China now and a little easier to keep the peace by being so far away. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as they say.

Haven, I'm glad you have stand-in dads that seem absolutely wonderful.

 

[Circe]

I know I started this thread, but it's making me sad - everybody here is so articulate and caring, and I've *seen* y'all go out of your way to be considerate and loving, time after time after time. And some of these stories are just so ... argh! Infuriating! Can't their subjects see how important gift-giving occasions are as a means of expressing affection?!?

And, that's the thing - then I have to remind myself that they don't necessarily, and can still be loving in different ways: I wonder if, in part, that's because we're a self-selected group of ... well, we're not materialists in the derogatory sense, but we certainly value specific physical demonstrations of affection, like bling! It can be hard to reconcile that with how other people process affection.

I actually started the thread for the least sympathetic of reasons - my baby present. My husband very thoughtfully took into account how important stuff like this is to me, and thought about my life circumstances, and came up with the idea of getting me earrings that wouldn't mess with my new piercings all on his own, then left it to me to choose the best version out there - just how I like things, usually!

But.

I don't know why, but this turned out to be really symbolically important to me. Like, I never fantasized about how a proposal was Supposed to Go: I didn't have any preconceptions about my wedding; heck, I didn't even have a birth plan! I'm generally pretty content to roll with the punches, and just micromanage the end result, and not how you get there.

But this? I apparently had some really specific, copped-from-a-Lifetime-movie vision for, where the adoring expectant father presents the new mommy with flowers, sushi, champagne, and a little velvet box, which I thought I'd communicated repeatedly and in great detail. And instead, well ... new parenthood: after the birth he ran home once to feed the cats and pick up the carseat and apparently looked right past the earrings in his dresser drawer when he looked for them ... probably because he was sleep-deprived from being with me through the birth and getting up with me for feedings. And after we got home, a few days later I cautiously raised the subject and he suggested we do the whole thing while his family was visiting from Sweden to meet the baby: I demurred, 'cause, well, Swedes and diamonds, not so much, and I would have felt self-conscious; another week passed, and I cautiously asked again, and he remembered the conversation exactly bass-ackwards, probably again because of the whole being-an-awesome-new-dad thing. (Seriously, when he sleeps with the baby in the crook of his arm, it is so frikkin' cute.) And then he decided to do it the next day, with all the bells and whistles ... and did the sushi thing and the flower thing and the champagne thing, and clean forgot about the earrings. I just sort of kept waiting and waiting and waiting, and after we somehow got onto the topic of penguins and how next time he'd hatch the egg in exchange for ... something (a backrub? and, yes, this is how all our conversations go, tangent to tangent to tangent), and I pointed out that if we were penguins, he'd shower me with rocks, and he said, blankly, "But I did! Anniversary ring and ... oh. I'm an idiot" and went for the drawer.

And I realize this is some weird outlet of hormones that is synechdoche for a different thing - postpartum insecurity, or something - and that life is awesome, and there's a healthy baby and a loving husband and, oh, yeah, on top of that, earrings! ... but I still feel a little squicky about having basically had to nag and nag and nag to get a version of the whole experience that I had, for some bizarrely conventional and wholly unexpected reason, oh-so-badly wanted.

I feel so shallow. Sigh.

Stupid body, there's no cause for all these histrionics, to quote one of my favorite books ....

 

[Lottie]

Circe I know where you are coming from, dh and I have discussed things like this before and been completely on the same page and then for whatever reason he is distracted by other things and I am left thinking "what about the ring/weekend away/whatever is was at the time!!!". Its not intentional, but it bugs me that i have to be the one to bring it up again.

I wonder if I ever do the same to him....is he secretly wondering if he is going to have to remind me AGAIN about the weekend away/snowboard/washbag!!??

 

[pregcurious]

Circe, I don't think you're being shallow. People have different ways to show love, and gift gifting is universally an acceptable language. There's a good book about marriage that talks about "love languages", and gift giving/receiving is one of them.

My husband and I have different ideas about what is and isn't good gift giving. I want to spend time and find someone the best quality single gift that they like, and will expend much effort to this end. My husband is more interested in getting lots of junky gifts, and is genuinely surprised when people don't like what he gives.

 

[LJL]

I know this is nowhere near as sad as some of you guys' stories... and honestly, I just don't understand people sometimes.

I recently started receiving a subscription to "Fitness" magazine in the mail. Addressed to me and everything with a new address that I just got this year. And I didn't order it. Neither of my parents are admitting to it but I know its one of them. Oh thanks for the reminder that you want me to lose weight! Sigh. In the trash!

 

[Lottie]

I know this is nowhere near as sad as some of you guys' stories... and honestly, I just don't understand people sometimes.

I recently started receiving a subscription to "Fitness" magazine in the mail. Addressed to me and everything with a new address that I just got this year. And I didn't order it. Neither of my parents are admitting to it but I know its one of them. Oh thanks for the reminder that you want me to lose weight! Sigh. In the trash!

What a spiteful thing to do. I'm glad you put it in the bin.

 

[Circe]

I know this is nowhere near as sad as some of you guys' stories... and honestly, I just don't understand people sometimes.

I recently started receiving a subscription to "Fitness" magazine in the mail. Addressed to me and everything with a new address that I just got this year. And I didn't order it. Neither of my parents are admitting to it but I know its one of them. Oh thanks for the reminder that you want me to lose weight! Sigh. In the trash!

What a spiteful thing to do. I'm glad you put it in the bin.

NO KIDDING. Good lord, between this and iLander's thread on holiday commentary from families, I'm completely flabbergasted at how much crap women have to take about their looks! My family's no prize when it comes to inappropriate commentary, gods know (let's just say that my dad's a member of the club right alongside Haven and iLander and Lliang_Chi), but this is ridiculous. What is wrong with people?!

 

[Laughinggravy0]

I remember a dear man I lived with many years ago, in Canada, hadn't a clue. His mum had died when he was young and his dad came out of the closet shortly after and left him and his sister to fend for themselves. He was 14 and she was 17. So I don't think he'd had much experience in the gift giving line.

Now I'm a total peeker, (talented at it too - I'm a book binder so I know about the waaaays of paper ; ) ) because my mother would be furious if I was every disappointed, even a shadow across my face would get her very angry, and they weren't the greatest gift givers so I learned to peek in order to prepare myself for what was coming.

The Christmas I'm thinking of, my dear chap went out for the evening with his mates, having left my prezzies wrapped under the tree, so I naturally checked them out. Intriguing heavy box, five blank tape cassettes. Curious round squishy packet - ball of string to go with kite, which was a good present - but string wrapped up - not so much. Lurrrvely little compact slightly rattly box - camera film (remember that??!) And more of the same, shoe polish I seem to remember, was in there too. Thing is, I had no problem with it, having prepared myself ahead of time - actually giggled a little, it was so absurd. Cute and absurd.

Come the day and I'm like: 'Strrrrring yesssss that's going to be so cool with the kite' and so on.....

I think peeking is the way to go.... I'll be peeking this year too, sure as eggs is eggs. But I'm very, very lucky, no one buys be bad gifts on purpose. Every gift I get the giver really thinks I'm going to love. Even the travel iron from my mum when I was 14 and at boarding school - boy was I glad I peeked at that one in time!!!!! And the three suitcases in the hall - thought someone was going somewhere, that was my gift at 12. Actually they caught me out on that one, but I slapped a grin on my face in time and escaped the spoilt brat accusation.

Good luck everyone, and don't let it hurt too much. For everyone person that doesn't care, I'm willing to bet there are at least two who do

 

[LJL]

I know this is nowhere near as sad as some of you guys' stories... and honestly, I just don't understand people sometimes.

I recently started receiving a subscription to "Fitness" magazine in the mail. Addressed to me and everything with a new address that I just got this year. And I didn't order it. Neither of my parents are admitting to it but I know its one of them. Oh thanks for the reminder that you want me to lose weight! Sigh. In the trash!

What a spiteful thing to do. I'm glad you put it in the bin.

NO KIDDING. Good lord, between this and iLander's thread on holiday commentary from families, I'm completely flabbergasted at how much crap women have to take about their looks! My family's no prize when it comes to inappropriate commentary, gods know (let's just say that my dad's a member of the club right alongside Haven and iLander and Lliang_Chi), but this is ridiculous. What is wrong with people?!

Im about 95% sure it was my mother - who asked me a couple months ago if I would like a subscription but then forgot that she asked. To be fair, when she asked, I said ABSOLUTELY NOT. She knows I despise her comments about getting in shape. She is one of the nicest people EVER - but she is obsessed with working out - Ms. I'm Over 50 and Running Marathons. I love her to death but she doesn't understand that happiness can exist in a squishy bodily state The whole family has weight issues - whether too skinny/bulimic/self-image issues or too fat/resentful/eats-their-feelings. I'm used to it but I thought you guys would find it ridiculous.

 

[zoebartlett]

To start, Circe, congratulations! I'm really happy for you!

On a separate note (related to this thread), I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad about your gift.

 

[tammy77]

When I was a teen my father got me Duke Nukem (I think that's how it's spelled) and a joystick because that's all he could come up with to get me. Mind you, my mom was with him for this purchase. This is what happens when you wait til Christmas eve and storm Wal-Mart looking for a gift for your daughter.

My DH is awful at gift giving. He'll tell you so himself. Last Christmas was the worst though when I received a coat that was too small and they didn't even make in my size. I struggle with weight issues and it really stung that my then FI didn't take the time to look at my current coat or do any real research to ensure that I wouldn't feel awful when I opened it and tried it on. Urgh.

Anyhow, the worst part about it is that I've lost hope that Christmas, birthday, etc. gifts will ever be what I want vs. what he thinks is a good gift, even if I've spelled out very clearly what I wanted. Usually it doesn't happen because what I want takes a while to get and he's always waiting until the week of to shop.

There are far worse things in life than to receive a bad gift (or not get one at all), and he's a fantastic husband overall, but I definitely hope this particular problem is resolved.

 

[PintoBean]

Yeah - whenever my mother buys me clothes - she usually buys me tent like shirts with a few more "X"s in front of an L than I need. (Same woman who emphatically starts each phone conversation, not with "how are you", but with "have you lost any weight?" b/c she wants me to be a "pretty bride". )

To lighten things up - I can't get enough of this video! Jimmy Kimmel's YouTube Challenge - I Gave My Kids a Terrible Present
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4a9CKgLprQ

 

[allycat0303]

This is going to sound really sad. Even as I write this I know it sounds bad. My entire family pitches in for a single gift for each person. Basically I spend 2-3 days buying everyone a gift and sending people the bill because they don't want to shop. Then I wrap all the gifts and I'm also responsible for Christmas dinner (turkey etc., the whole stuff).

And yeah, no one buys me a gift, and I don't get a pitched in gift, because apparently I'm too hard to buy for, because *I don't want anything.* So I don't get to say it out loud, but every year, I feel as though I'm not as valued as the rest of my family. Presents from my husband are also starting to go down the slippery slope of, "Taking you out to dinner" for my 30th birthday, I kind of hinted I wanted a little something extra because I was feeling a little sad about turning 30....well, he didn't buy me anything. He took me to dinner (not fancy, as I'm not fancy...I think I ate a smoked meat sandwhich??? And he wrote me a card). I feel rotten writing this, because he treats me really well, but I miss the days when birthdays/ Christmas meant he would be thinking of something cute or special to get or do for me.

 

[decodelighted]

I think the key is to keep expectation LOW. Like BASEMENT level. Really wonderful surprises and gifts you truly love are EXCEPTIONS -- not the rule. And they rarely time out perfectly with big dates or life events.

I try to concentrate on the pot of coffee made in the morning, the back scratch ... the candy bar from the gas station .... those are the things that matter so much more on an everyday basis.