Any advice now that i am getting back to dating world?
- Thread starter Abby12
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movie zombie
Super_Ideal_Rock
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movie zombie
Super_Ideal_Rock
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Online dating! Many people in my circle met their partners this way. Including myself and my husband.
I have a friend in your situation, almost exactly actually. He's testing the waters but hasn't really dived in yet.
I don't know what the popular sites are now. My sister got married recently and met her spouse through e-Harmony or match.com, I forget which.
Congrats on your new exciting journey!
Anne
I have a friend in your situation, almost exactly actually. He's testing the waters but hasn't really dived in yet.
I don't know what the popular sites are now. My sister got married recently and met her spouse through e-Harmony or match.com, I forget which.
Congrats on your new exciting journey!
Anne
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Absolutely nothing wrong with being picky; just be sure you are being picky on the right things based on what you need; and not on items where you are overtly avoiding facing an issue - unless you identify up front that you have to avoid an issue and why (as that issue will not stay hidden in a long term relationship - and perhaps now is a good time to be talking to a good counselor).
I'm a guy - so let me address a key item in a way I hope is helpful: Guys are going to want sex - and I hope that you also want to have sex too (very few men are willing to date a woman who is not interested in sex too). But, how soon... and how do you sort our someone who is just looking at you as another conquest (and some guys can fool you until they have their romp with you), and someone who is interested in you for more than that; but needs sex as part of the relationship?
So here is Perry's advice on that (and I hope you are comfortable with this): Yes, lets have sex... as soon as we both get full STD testing, share our results and relevant sexual history with each other, and deal with any minor issues that may be identified (more females have unknown STDs than males). You pay for your testing and I pay for my testing; and any major issue ends any possibility of sex... When would you like to have a date at "Planned Parenthood" (or some similar clinic)? I suggest a joint appointment where you sign to allow him access to your results and he signs to allow you access to your results.
You should price check in advance so you can provide a cost estimate to your "lover's" proposal (if Insurance does not cover or if neither of you want it on your medial records). You also want the expanded scope testing (including HPV for woman); and a sexual history questionnaire about Genital Warts; recent activity (some STDs are not well testable for 6 weeks); etc. which a good STD clinic will normally do (questionnaire done in private with DR; but results are shared).
Perhaps most important - and a good STD clinic will know what to look for and ask about (and your family Dr probably does not): concurrent partners (simultaneous multiple sexual partner history). There is no extra STD risk for concurrent partners if done openly between partners and in a way to minimize STD risks (or with someone who is very very careful even if not done openely); but, something like 50% of all STDs in the nation are spread by about 20% of the people who have multiple sexual partners at the same time (or as I understand it 2% of the sexually active population is responsible for about 50% of the STDs in the nation). Know first if the guy is in this group (and then your choice if that is acceptable or not: Statistically essentially the same number of woman have concurrent male partners as men have concurrent female partners - are you in this group?); but more importantly which group the guy is in (how sexually responsible is he?...and how sexually responsible are you?).
This will cost you each some $Cash$ and involves a commitment- which typically quickly sorts out the "conquistadors" from the likely serious people. Also, it involves a commitment and delays any actual sex by at least a week (thinking time)- but no more than 2 weeks (which is reasonable for most any guy). One thing to be clear on though.... If you actually both go to the clinic and spend the money to get tested and are clean with no great surprises (or after suitable treatment and retesting)... you have made a significant promise....
Other than that - I wish you the best;
Perry
I'm a guy - so let me address a key item in a way I hope is helpful: Guys are going to want sex - and I hope that you also want to have sex too (very few men are willing to date a woman who is not interested in sex too). But, how soon... and how do you sort our someone who is just looking at you as another conquest (and some guys can fool you until they have their romp with you), and someone who is interested in you for more than that; but needs sex as part of the relationship?
So here is Perry's advice on that (and I hope you are comfortable with this): Yes, lets have sex... as soon as we both get full STD testing, share our results and relevant sexual history with each other, and deal with any minor issues that may be identified (more females have unknown STDs than males). You pay for your testing and I pay for my testing; and any major issue ends any possibility of sex... When would you like to have a date at "Planned Parenthood" (or some similar clinic)? I suggest a joint appointment where you sign to allow him access to your results and he signs to allow you access to your results.
You should price check in advance so you can provide a cost estimate to your "lover's" proposal (if Insurance does not cover or if neither of you want it on your medial records). You also want the expanded scope testing (including HPV for woman); and a sexual history questionnaire about Genital Warts; recent activity (some STDs are not well testable for 6 weeks); etc. which a good STD clinic will normally do (questionnaire done in private with DR; but results are shared).
Perhaps most important - and a good STD clinic will know what to look for and ask about (and your family Dr probably does not): concurrent partners (simultaneous multiple sexual partner history). There is no extra STD risk for concurrent partners if done openly between partners and in a way to minimize STD risks (or with someone who is very very careful even if not done openely); but, something like 50% of all STDs in the nation are spread by about 20% of the people who have multiple sexual partners at the same time (or as I understand it 2% of the sexually active population is responsible for about 50% of the STDs in the nation). Know first if the guy is in this group (and then your choice if that is acceptable or not: Statistically essentially the same number of woman have concurrent male partners as men have concurrent female partners - are you in this group?); but more importantly which group the guy is in (how sexually responsible is he?...and how sexually responsible are you?).
This will cost you each some $Cash$ and involves a commitment- which typically quickly sorts out the "conquistadors" from the likely serious people. Also, it involves a commitment and delays any actual sex by at least a week (thinking time)- but no more than 2 weeks (which is reasonable for most any guy). One thing to be clear on though.... If you actually both go to the clinic and spend the money to get tested and are clean with no great surprises (or after suitable treatment and retesting)... you have made a significant promise....
Other than that - I wish you the best;
Perry
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HI:
Horse before the cart, Perry?
Abby:
I like yoga, but find it is a solitary activity--however they do have volunteer activities associated to many yoga communities and one could meet people there.
Volunteer activities attract many kinds of like minded people. Is there something that might interest you at a local church? Community center? At the symphony or theatre?
cheers--Sharon
Horse before the cart, Perry?
Abby:
I like yoga, but find it is a solitary activity--however they do have volunteer activities associated to many yoga communities and one could meet people there.
Volunteer activities attract many kinds of like minded people. Is there something that might interest you at a local church? Community center? At the symphony or theatre?
cheers--Sharon
chemgirl
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I think a good strategy is to get out as much as possible. I don't mean hanging out at bars, but combining online dating, joining interest groups, volunteering, and going out with friends. You never know where Mr. Right will be hanging out!
Online dating is great because it gets you in touch with people outside of your social circle. I found those dates as sort of practice. Even though I didn't meet my husband online, I did meet some great guys who planned some fun dates (Ie rock climbing was scary but cool!)
I also met some interesting guys by joining a hiking group. Volunteered at a fundraiser for a local animal rescue and ran into my now husband (but didn't go on a date). Eventually met the right guy when a friend invited me along to a technology conference.
So my advice is to get out and have fun.
Online dating is great because it gets you in touch with people outside of your social circle. I found those dates as sort of practice. Even though I didn't meet my husband online, I did meet some great guys who planned some fun dates (Ie rock climbing was scary but cool!)
I also met some interesting guys by joining a hiking group. Volunteered at a fundraiser for a local animal rescue and ran into my now husband (but didn't go on a date). Eventually met the right guy when a friend invited me along to a technology conference.
So my advice is to get out and have fun.
canuk-gal|1389061679|3587892 said:HI:
Horse before the cart, Perry?
Abby:
I like yoga, but find it is a solitary activity--however they do have volunteer activities associated to many yoga communities and one could meet people there.
Volunteer activities attract many kinds of like minded people. Is there something that might interest you at a local church? Community center? At the symphony or theatre?
cheers--Sharon
Haha! Wow Perry gave quite the lil STD lesson. Thanks, I do appreciate it.
Already been on a few dates with different ppl and I will get involves in some new things. I am open to trying online too.
We shall see! I have been single for 1 1/2 years now, so I think it is time to get back out there!
innerkitten
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I was divorced and met my now-husband on Match. I went on lots and lots of first dates, and I picked a couple of places I liked and suggested those as places to meet. I felt comfortable getting in/out of them and eventually got to know the staff, so that made things much less awkward. I also took a lot of classes - learned to rock climb and scuba dive and took the guided tour of every museum in town. It gave me more to talk about than my job and my cat, plus I met really interesting people everywhere I went.
I ended up marrying someone who, on the surface, is very different than I thought I would like: opposite politically, opposite religiously, opposite ages. I'm glad I took the leap and dated some people that I would normally have passed over, as I would never have otherwise met him. I guess what I'm saying is take a chance! At worst, you'll have a terrible story to tell your coworkers at the coffee pot the next day (like the date I kicked in the chest, or the one who offered to buy me a live fish, or the one who didn't call because he thought he might have an aneurysm). At best, you'll meet someone you like.
I ended up marrying someone who, on the surface, is very different than I thought I would like: opposite politically, opposite religiously, opposite ages. I'm glad I took the leap and dated some people that I would normally have passed over, as I would never have otherwise met him. I guess what I'm saying is take a chance! At worst, you'll have a terrible story to tell your coworkers at the coffee pot the next day (like the date I kicked in the chest, or the one who offered to buy me a live fish, or the one who didn't call because he thought he might have an aneurysm). At best, you'll meet someone you like.
jaysonsmom
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ruby59
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amc80
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I will also suggest online dating. My husband and I met on match. The main benefit is you can use profiles to screen out your non-negotiable stuff. If you don't want to date someone with kids, just filter for that. Much easier than meeting a random person and committing to a date and then finding out they are a no.
I had a rule that, as long as there were no red flags, I would never turn down a date. At the worst I'm out an hour or two.
I had a rule that, as long as there were no red flags, I would never turn down a date. At the worst I'm out an hour or two.
asscherisme
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Meet in a public place
Never, never tell him where you live until at least a few dates until you know he is not crazy
Always tell someone when you are going on a first or second date! (or more)
Don't give your home phone if you have a landline because they can do a reverse phone check on you (goes along with 2nd piece of advice).
TRUST YOUR GUT. If you think something is off, trust that feeling.
Do I sound paranoid? Maybe but better careful than not. Especially if you are online dating.
edited, meet for coffee (or even lunch) rather than committing to dinner on a first date. Keep first dates purposely short. If you have fun you can hang out longer or meet again. Dinner can be painful if you realize quickly you want to be anywhere else.
Don't over share too soon. And be careful of people who overshare.
HUGE red flag is someone who pushes for a commitment too soon. Take your time, have fun. Don't feel pressured into anything you are not ready for.
Be yourself and have fun!
Never, never tell him where you live until at least a few dates until you know he is not crazy
Always tell someone when you are going on a first or second date! (or more)
Don't give your home phone if you have a landline because they can do a reverse phone check on you (goes along with 2nd piece of advice).
TRUST YOUR GUT. If you think something is off, trust that feeling.
Do I sound paranoid? Maybe but better careful than not. Especially if you are online dating.
edited, meet for coffee (or even lunch) rather than committing to dinner on a first date. Keep first dates purposely short. If you have fun you can hang out longer or meet again. Dinner can be painful if you realize quickly you want to be anywhere else.
Don't over share too soon. And be careful of people who overshare.
HUGE red flag is someone who pushes for a commitment too soon. Take your time, have fun. Don't feel pressured into anything you are not ready for.
Be yourself and have fun!
Lots of great suggestions! Seems a lot of ppl do meet online these days.
I tried it a bit before I was married, so I amy try it again!
Yes, I think coffee or a drink is good so that you can be quick if it is not going well.
I agree, good to be careful these days and always tell someone you are going out.
I love hearing other people's stories beacuse it makes you realize that it really can happen just about anywhere!
I tried it a bit before I was married, so I amy try it again!
Yes, I think coffee or a drink is good so that you can be quick if it is not going well.
I agree, good to be careful these days and always tell someone you are going out.
I love hearing other people's stories beacuse it makes you realize that it really can happen just about anywhere!
Amber St. Clare
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MonkeysInk|1389066228|3587951 said:I was divorced and met my now-husband on Match. I went on lots and lots of first dates, and I picked a couple of places I liked and suggested those as places to meet. I felt comfortable getting in/out of them and eventually got to know the staff, so that made things much less awkward. I also took a lot of classes - learned to rock climb and scuba dive and took the guided tour of every museum in town. It gave me more to talk about than my job and my cat, plus I met really interesting people everywhere I went.
I ended up marrying someone who, on the surface, is very different than I thought I would like: opposite politically, opposite religiously, opposite ages. I'm glad I took the leap and dated some people that I would normally have passed over, as I would never have otherwise met him. I guess what I'm saying is take a chance! At worst, you'll have a terrible story to tell your coworkers at the coffee pot the next day (like the date I kicked in the chest, or the one who offered to buy me a live fish, or the one who didn't call because he thought he might have an aneurysm). At best, you'll meet someone you like.
canuk-gal|1389061679|3587892 said:HI:
Horse before the cart, Perry?
Abby:
I like yoga, but find it is a solitary activity--however they do have volunteer activities associated to many yoga communities and one could meet people there.
Volunteer activities attract many kinds of like minded people. Is there something that might interest you at a local church? Community center? At the symphony or theatre?
cheers--Sharon
I was going to say exactly the same thing.
Of course, sex happens within a relationship and hopefully enjoyed by both parties. But it is NOT part of the initial getting to know you process, at least not for me and not for a lot of women. Men can want it all they want, but it's the most intimate act and for many women, is not something you do with someone unless you have spent a fair bit of time getting to know them and establishing common ground and deciding whether there is the possibility of a real relationship. If a guy came down heavy about sex in the initial stages I'd be spluttering to myself "But...but...I hardly KNOW you!" So, if you're not comfortable having sex too soon, my piece of dating advice is be prepared to fend off premature advances!
Don't laugh, but when I was dating ten years ago, The Rules really helped me to set boundaries with men and treat myself well for a change. It took all the angst out of dating and suddenly my personal life was pain-free. The gist is that you don't pursue anyone who doesn't really, really want you too.
http://www.amazon.com/All-Rules-Time-tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446618799
http://www.amazon.com/All-Rules-Time-tested-Secrets-Capturing/dp/0446618799
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diamondseeker2006|1389128210|3588389 said:
Huge Thritto!
Take your time in forming a relationship and when you find someone you think you really like take a step back and move slowly. Take it slow and get to know the person you are dating. There is no need to rush into a physical relationship till there is a real emotional connection.
Kaleigh
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ame
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