Another MOBzilla meltdown

[allycat0303]

I am so upset right now. Yesturday night, my fiancé and my mom went to sign the contract for my venue. My mom had all these specifications of things she wanted to have done (sone Viet food issues..I don''t know). In any case, she was going to make sure that it would be ok to have that food catered etc. Since everything was decided, I didn`t think it would be a big deal. I couldn''t go because I was on call, and I had already seen the place and it was ok.

Now background on the venue. There are basically only 2 venues in the montreal area that fit the whol country wedding-water-garden thing I wanted. My original first choice of a venue changed owners, and the new banquet director REFUSED to give us a price per head. She refused to even give me a menu with prices on it, so we could have an idea of what it would. She told us basically, we put down a deposit, and then 3 months before the wedding we pick the food. I pushed hard and she VAGUELY said ''''Uhmmm well about 120-150$ minimum for food depnding on what you choose, with extra for drinks + open bar.'''' Now this rang all sorts of bells with me, because let''s face it, it''s hard to do a budget on info like that. And is that 120$ for 1 dish? Of course, this was the venue I had booked for the wedding this year (with a totally reasonable and specific contract and deposit) but had to be cancelled because of family issues (i.e my sister was determined to get married on that day).

SO anyways, I find this other place. It''s not my first choice, but it works for many reasons a) Good pricing b) dj is already included c) some minimal decoration needed but all in all a good compromise. I have resigned myself to a second choice venue, but it was ok, I''m actually even excited.

Then (I know you probably all see this coming), yesturday my mom and fiancé go to finalize the contract...and yup, my mom blows up at the owner. Totally insults him, says to my fiancé (in front of the owner) ''''if you want to do business with him, fine but I won''t come to the wedding'''' and gets up from the meeting and SLAMS the door on her way out. Now I did not get all the details from my fiancé because I just couldn`t handle it. I asked my fiancé ''''was she right, or was she wrong to act like that?'''' and he said ''''totally wrong, and I was really embarassed'''' He just apologized and left, but was fiancé was REALLY angry. He says (and I agree) that there is no going back to that venue, because it''s impossible.

Now she says to me that it''s ridiculous for me to pick a venue to save money (i.e, initially she loved this venue and pushed hard for it). Which is easy for her to say because fiancé and I are paying for all 80 of my parents and his parents friends to come to our wedding. Fiancé and I are inviting 20 people between the two of us. Sometimes I start to wonder if my mom does this stuff on purpose.

 

[Gypsy]

Oh Lord Ally. You WONDER if she does this stuff on purpose? She does it because she can get away with it, and she ABSOLUTELY does this stuff without any, and I mean ANY, consideration of you or your feelings. On purpose? It doesn't matter if there is intent or not... what there is is a complete disregard for you as a person and a fundemental lack of ANY respect for you. Honey, I KNOW you've been working on it, and working on it hard. But your family treats you like a doormat. Something to wipe their feet on and all I want to do when I read your posts about them is to reach out and smack them silly.

Tell her FINE... do not come. You know you'll have more fun without that woman there. God only knows what she's got up her sleeve for the actual wedding day! What a (#$*@&@#))@#*&#$^#E^%$)*!

 

[bee*]

Date: 7/4/2008 6:54:52 AM
Author: Gypsy
Oh Lord Ally. You WONDER if she does this stuff on purpose? She does it because she can get away with it, and she ABSOLUTELY does this stuff without any, and I mean ANY, consideration of you or your feelings. On purpose? It doesn''t matter if there is intent or not... what there is is a complete disregard for you as a person and a fundemental lack of ANY respect for you. Honey, I KNOW you''ve been working on it, and working on it hard. But your family treats you like a doormat. Something to wipe their feet on and all I want to do when I read your posts about them is to reach out and smack them silly.


Tell her FINE... do not come. You know you''ll have more fun without that woman there. God only knows what she''s got up her sleeve for the actual wedding day! What a (#$*@&@#))@#*&#$^#E^%$)*!

I have to agree with Gypsy. Your mother totally gets away with it every time. I would go back to the venue, apologise for your mother''s behaviour and tell them that you''d like to book it. If you mother starts threating not to come, tell her fine.

 

[Pandora II]

Why don''t you both book a wonderful honeymoon, get married there and throw a drinks party when you get back.

You have gone through so many nightmares with the whole thing so far and I think this stress must be really wearing you down.

 

[Independent Gal]

I kind of agree with the others. Go in person. Tell the owner your mom was TOTALLY out of line, that she is highly stressed, whatever you like. And then tell them that from now on they would only have to deal with you and FI.

Poor you, Ally. The fun never stops does it.

 

[allycat0303]

I was all Zen about this last night, like ''''oh it wasn''t meant to be'''' and then I woke up and cried like a baby. And the worst part is she gets on the phone with me and says ''''oh I don''t think you should book that venue, it''s a little far'''' So I start telling her (calmly) all the reasons we had decided to book this place. In any case THEN she tells me ''''oh I had a fight with the owner so you can''t'''' Then my fiancé says ''''She yelled at him, and slammed the door on her way out. She went crazy''''

She was actually trying to HIDE it from me.

I am happy to announce fiancé did not strangle my mom on the way home. He sat in total silence for the 30 minute drive home while she told him over and over how ''''ridiculous it was that we were choosing a venue to save money'''' Did I mention that we''re paying for a 100 person wedding and are inviting only 20 people!!!!!!!!! ARGGHHHH

And then my fiancé came home, bought a huge pizza, and we ate the whole thing.

My fiancé has flat out refused to ever set foot in that place again. He is beyond ashamed and embarrassed. I totally understand this because, knowing my mom, he is probably WAAYYY understating the amount of yelling that went on. I am embarassed that she behaved that way.

And yesturday, my boss (I am in psychiatry) told me she didn`t think I was strong enough to be a doctor and I should consider a career change, maybe dentistry....oh yes, tell that to a girl that is 7 months away from getting her MD degree. It was an illuminating day.

Ok. I know I am being a brat. I am marrying my fiancé. It doesn`t matter if we end up having a reception in a resturant, we''ll still be happy. I just have to find a place. But darn it, I always wanted a country style wedding and now it feels like I am going to be getting married in the city. In a resturant. Which is as FAR away from what I want as possible.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 7/4/2008 7:25:51 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I kind of agree with the others. Go in person. Tell the owner your mom was TOTALLY out of line, that she is highly stressed, whatever you like. And then tell them that from now on they would only have to deal with you and FI.

Poor you, Ally. The fun never stops does it.

I was going to say "ditto" to what IG said, but now reading your last post Ally, and knowing that your FI doesn''t want to set foot in there again - I don''t know what to say!

You are totally in a tough spot. Reasonably, I think you could go to the venue like IG said, apologize, and promise that they will only deal with you and FI from now on.

Actually, I think that is a good idea generally - if you and FI are paying for the whole wedding, I think you should stop having your mother/father/sister whoever be involved. I know that might be frustrating since you could probably use the help, but they are causing more trouble than its worth!

But you know what, you LOVE that venue. It is what YOU want - I would talk to your FI and explain that to him. See if he is okay with you trying to smooth it over etc. It is probably very fresh right now and he is mortified. That will change over time. If you don''t decide to elope, I think you should at least have the wedding that you want. You know?

Good luck!

 

[Sabine]

Awe Ally, I can only imagine how your FI felt witnessing that meltdown. But I agree with the earlier posters...sometimes you have to fight for what you want. It sounds like you want this venue, so I would bite the bullet, go in person and apologize (and let them know that they won''t have to deal with your mother in the future), and book it. And if your mom doesn''t like it, too bad. Wouldn''t you end up resenting having to pay for the wedding and the 80 unwanted guests even more if it''s in a place you aren''t happy with? You don''t want to resent your wedding day!

 

[princesss]

Honey, this is YOUR day. I know you struggle with standing up to your family, but this is YOUR day. YOURS and your FI''s. Not your mother''s. Not your sister''s. You and your FI get to decide where the wedding is held, what food is served, and who is invited.

It is worth making waves within the family for this. It is. Because your family is going to keep running (not even walking) all over you with situations like this until you stop taking it.

*hugs*

 

[brooklyngirl]

Ally, so sorry you''re dealing with this again

. I think you need to let out your inner bridezilla and stop trying to appease everyone. This is ridiculous, and you''re paying for the entire wedding? Talk to FI and stand your ground that you want to have the wedding at this venue, then go to the venu, apologize, and book there. If you mother doesn'' want to come, so be it. Maybe you can even uninvite some of the unwanted guests, since they''re guests of your parents. My blood was boiling reading your post.

I know you''re trying to be the calm/bigger person about these things, but I think you really need to start putting yourself first. Everyone else around you seems to believe that their feelings come first regardless of the circumstances (you mom and sister come to mind), so why don''t you do the same? Your mother''s feelings do not come first when it comes to your wedding day, period.

 

[anchor31]

Oh no no no, if you want this country wedding and you want it at that venue, you can make it happen.

You need to stand up to your mother. It''s like my FMIL. It was VERY hard for J to stand up to her the first time he did, and it wasn''t pretty, but at least now she''s starting to treat us with a little more respect. This isn''t about your mother and what she wants, it''s about you and M. She needs to understand that, and I don''t think she will until you tell her.

As far as M''s embarrassment goes, I can totally understand it, but it doesn''t seem fair that he would deprive you of something you really want because of it. Do you think the owner is judging you for your mother''s actions? If he does, it would be pretty unprofessional and a damn shame. I really hope M can get over his embarrassment, even if it''s just for you. I wonder, did you guys have a date set and a deposit down?

I''m thinking of you ally! Good luck with everything. Thanks again for your support with my mom.

 

[surfgirl]

ally, this will never stop until you step up and deal with your mother. You're not dealing, you're allowing her to be like this...crap like this with your mom and sibling has been going on since day one of your engagement IIRC.

1. Go and apologize to the venue manager whether or not you will use the place. Just make peace with them for YOU. And if you love the place, and they'll let you, book it and confirm it. DONE.

2. Tell your mother that YOU will decide who is invited, NOT her. Tell her the wedding will be YOUR friends and family ONLY. Not her friends, not FI's parents friends. If you stick to this you will be fine. "Sorry, it's only immediate family and close friends of the couple..." DONE.

3. Do NOT discuss ANYTHING with your mother or your SISTER or anyone in your immediate family regarding your wedding. Just plan it and do it the way YOU want to. I know it's harsh but if they dont come, so what? It's not like they've been loving and supportive in any way towards you since you got engaged so it's not like you'll be losing a loving family moment. No doubt, from what you've said, your mother would create some drama at your wedding anyway so why not avoid it?

4. If you cannot do the above, then ELOPE at a DW, and only invite your close friends to it (it can still be at a place that gives you a country wedding feel). That way your parents wont know and wont be able to bitch at you about it. Then if THEY want a party, let THEM plan, pay and throw one. All you do is show up! DONE.

Good luck honey...

 

[miraclesrule]

Okay, after reading this, I totally want Admin to change the my thread title changed to simply state"
MOB Meltdown Moment, because I dont'' want to to be confused with your MOBZILLA!

OMG, I feel awful for you allycat.... That is a horrible way for her to react....to their face. Even if she felt this way about the person she was dealing with, as I was with my daughter''s dress salon manager, a certain amount of restraint is warranted. One can make their displeasure known without screaming and walking out and making a scene of hysteria.

I reserve those types of meltdown moments for when I get in the car and my poor daughter has to listen to my tirades.

Then again, I don''t know your history, but if this is how your Mom reacts and you are paying for the wedding, I am curious as to why you had your Mom go there with your FI in the first place?

 

[AmberGretchen]

Alli honey - all I can do is ditto Gypsy and IG and surfgirl and the others. You have GOT to put some distance (emotional and physical) between yourself and your destructive family. I really honestly believe (as someone who has been where you are) that its the only way you will ever be able to live an adult life of your own with your FI.

I''m so sorry that you are dealing with this - I know how incredibly painful and difficult it is, and I really hope you can find some peace soon.

Oh, and don''t listen to word any supervisor you have in medical school says about whether you are equipped to be a doctor. As with science, advisors in medicine are mostly there to make you feel bad and make you question your commitment and intelligence and capability. I don''t know why it works this way, but for the most part, it does.

You have worked SO HARD to get where you are in medical school and you WILL graduate, and you WILL be an excellent doctor. Just keep repeating that to yourself and don''t let anyone tell you otherwise - you''ve worked so hard already that you''ve more than proved your abilities and your intelligence and your capability to be a doctor

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 7/4/2008 1:19:42 PM
Author: surfgirl
ally, this will never stop until you step up and deal with your mother. You''re not dealing, you''re allowing her to be like this...crap like this with your mom and sibling has been going on since day one of your engagement IIRC.

1. Go and apologize to the venue manager whether or not you will use the place. Just make peace with them for YOU. And if you love the place, and they''ll let you, book it and confirm it. DONE.

2. Tell your mother that YOU will decide who is invited, NOT her. Tell her the wedding will be YOUR friends and family ONLY. Not her friends, not FI''s parents friends. If you stick to this you will be fine. ''Sorry, it''s only immediate family and close friends of the couple...'' DONE.

3. Do NOT discuss ANYTHING with your mother or your SISTER or anyone in your immediate family regarding your wedding. Just plan it and do it the way YOU want to. I know it''s harsh but if they dont come, so what? It''s not like they''ve been loving and supportive in any way towards you since you got engaged so it''s not like you''ll be losing a loving family moment. No doubt, from what you''ve said, your mother would create some drama at your wedding anyway so why not avoid it?

4. If you cannot do the above, then ELOPE at a DW, and only invite your close friends to it (it can still be at a place that gives you a country wedding feel). That way your parents wont know and wont be able to bitch at you about it. Then if THEY want a party, let THEM plan, pay and throw one. All you do is show up! DONE.

Good luck honey...

Ditto. Totally.

Alley, I am really worried for you, your future, and your health. You have to stop letting your mother, sister, family, tradition, whatever push you around like that. You''re almost through med school, so I know that somewhere in you, YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Call it up and reclaim this wedding for yourself and your fiance!

BTW I don''t totally subscribe to the "it''s your wedding, do what you want" philosophy. To me a wedding is about creating and joining families, so it''s appropriate to keep consider family when planning a wedding. But... considering family is not the same as planning around them and it certainly isn''t giving them veto power. And in your case, considering how little your family has supported you

, it could well mean leaving them out entirely.

Best wishes.

 

[NYCsparkle]

hey ally...after all the drama you went through last year with your family how could you even think to include them in that kind of planning!????? i know its your mom but she has taken full advantage and control of your wedding in ways that are unimaginable to me. i hope you just plan it, then invite her. didn''t she threaten to boycott your wedding if you got married on the day you wanted last year too? i mean tell her if thats the way she wants it then so be it.

i''m sure you can convince

mr.allycat to go back and have your wedding there as long as your mom isn''t involved.
stand up for yourself, because your immediate family once you get married isn''t going to be your mom and sis...its going to be your husband. you have to set the boundaries for your life now because marriage is a lot of work without interference from your parents, let alone with the drama your mom and sis cause.

stand up for yourself and your fiance.

good luck---it''ll be hard, but worth it in the end.

 

[purrfectpear]

A year ago you were wishing for an elopement and almost every poster said "go for it".

This is beyond ridiculous with your mom acting like a nutcase, and a sister that lied to you about why she wanted your wedding date.

Girl, you love this man. The two of you just need to go get married in the park or on the beach and have done with it. Relatives be damned. They can throw you a party afterwards.
Just do it. Seriously. The stress of the wedding just isn''t worth it.

 

[risingsun]

In my professional opinion, your mother is JPN [just plain nuts!!]. Please do not let your mother ruin your wedding. Pick a venue you love and keep her out of your wedding plans. You deserve better than this...

 

[allycat0303]

Amber, thanks for the kind words about the supervisor, it kind of rocks you to the core when someone says something like that to you. First time, and I hope the last time for that.

Anchor, we don't have a deposit for the venue. We have already put down a deposit for the photographer. This is stressing me out, because now we have a photographer and no venue. If we can't find a venue that is available for that date, I don't know what I will do.

Surfgirl:I really won't cut my mother out of my life for a venue blowup. I mean it sucks, it stinks, and I am mad, but she's done a lot of worst things in the past (as I probably have growing up. I am sure I have said things to her that are pretty unforgiveable.) I am not excusing it AT ALL, but I just feel like at the end of the day, it's a wedding. One day event. I don't want to cut my whole family off for the rest of my life for it.

brooklyngirl, princess, purrfectpear, rising sun, NYCsparkle, pandora :thanks for the words of support!

MIMINS: No I have to agree, it's bad behavior, but really, they are not always like that. It's complex, my family has good moments, and bad ones too.

miraclesrule: you are totally not MOB zilla, I just liked the title!!!!

Ok update. So my mom feels really bad. I think because I didn't yell at her or anything. I was just discouraged. In any case, she made all of these points about the wedding venue which are valid (but let's be honest are more about covering her behind. But in any case, she pointed out that the venue is 30 minutes away, and the nearest hotel only has 25 rooms. She said that because of the fact that we have 80 out of town guests, and they will be drinking it's not practical.) I had thought of that, but realized that there are 40 guests that don't drink, so I don't think the point is valid really.

In any case, she made the suggestion that since she had ruined the venue for us, she would pay the difference between the venue and my original first choice venue. (The first choice has a lot of rooms and a nearby hotel 2 minutes away). So now I am kind of stuck between letting her pay (which I think she should) but purse-strings=control.)

Yesturday fiance and I went to a place to look at decorations (because 1 st place venue would need sprucing up). But I love it, and have dreamed of being married there for 2-3 years. At the end of the day, decorations + possible food difference comes out to about $7000 difference. My mom wrote me a check for that amount. Which I haven't cashed yet, because I haven't decided.

Fiance wants to take the money, and have the wedding at the original venue which was BY FAR our first choice. He wasn't really ever in love with the venue (neither was I) but I felt that it was a better deal. The first choice venue is really perfect. There isn't anything I can complain about.

Personally, I don't know if this is the best idea in the world. On one hand, I REALLY DON'T want my mom to be able to control the entire wedding. On the other hand, (totally selfish...but I want to have my wedding there, and I don't want to fight about this). So I don't know.

 

[allycat0303]

reception room

 

[allycat0303]

other view

 

[allycat0303]

NYC: I love that... Mr.Allycat says "please let your mom pay the difference so we can have the VENUE we really want" I get the feeling he''s now becoming sort of happy that all of this happened. When he saw the decorations possible, he said it really wasn''t responsible to not have rooms available for everyone and that he REALLY wants the original venue.

BLAH. I have to admit, looking at those pictures, I can''t stop thinking about how perfect that site is.

 

[purrfectpear]

I suspect Mr. Allycat is just so humiliated that ANY venue is better than him having to face those people again.

The pics you posted are lovely but I am seriously concerned that your mom will attempt to take over your wedding and that you will live to regret it. I have no idea what the right choice is, but I'm still voting for the two of you to have a private ceremony and a party at some later date.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Ally, is there any way that you can take the money but not talk to your family/mom about your wedding at all? As in don''t ask for opinions, don''t ask for her to go with you on wedding related errands, and just keep it zipped in general when it comes to the wedding?

I know it''s hard to not talk to your mom about this, but if you can pull it off I''d try to do that. When is the wedding?

 

[doodle]

i''m going to be totally brutally honest on this one, and i sincerely hope that nothing i say offends you because that is by no means my intention. i really don''t think your mom paying the extra money for y''all to have the venue you want is going to give her any more control than she already has over your wedding because, quite frankly, you''re already letting her run the show by running all over you. you and your FI are getting married, as in, starting a family between the two of you and a life together, but you''re letting your mom call the shots, and at that, now your FI is just as deep in it as you are. if you don''t put your foot down now, she''s ALWAYS going to act that way--do you really want to let her have that kind of impact on your FI and your marriage and YOUR life together? your wedding should be representative of the two of you as a couple and of the life y''all are beginning together, not of what your mom or sister or anyone else wants. BE HAPPY because you deserve that, your FI deserves that, and you guys deserve better than to always be under her thumb. i understand that cultural circumstances and a lifetime of trying to please everyone and all that makes it hard to stand your ground with your family, but it''s not about them anymore; it''s about the family you''re starting with your soon-to-be husband. you owe it to the both of you and to your future to tell your family that henceforth, YOU and your FI will determine what is best for your lives. I hope this doesn''t sound like i''m being harsh or judgmental. i just think it would be better for the health and happiness of you and your FI to focus on the family you''re forming and how to make things best for the two of you. i wish you all the best for a very happy life together, a beautiful wedding, and an even more beautiful marriage!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Don''t take the money. You let her have enough control to go to the other venue and look what happened. She is only doing this so she still gets some control in the matter.
What about the Botanic Gardens? They are a garden and the Chinese gardens have great water features? I wish I knew Montreal better to help, sorry

 

[fatafelice]

Oh, Ally, my heart just breaks everytime I see a post like this from you.

But I say, if she is *really* willing to pay the difference (and this isn''t just lip service to get you to do what she wants before she backs out of the deal), then you should do it. She already is exerting a lot of control. And at this point, at least you will get married at a place you really love. It does look absolutely beautiful.

Others have very valid points about standing up to your family, but I think that now might not be the best time to fight that battle, since you have already given in on so much else. What is most important right now? Get through this, get married, be happy, and then start your new life together by making a change.

Best of luck, sweetie.

 

[risingsun]

I have conflicting feelings about her offer of money; however, I would suggest depositing this check ASAP, while you think it over. Then let mom know that you consider this check to be a very generous wedding gift. Be clear with her that this gift does not entitle her to interfere, intrude, or control your wedding plans. You need to set firm limits and boundaries with your mother and now is a good time to start--given that she is expressing some remorse.

Good luck and stay strong

 

[VRBeauty]

Do you think you&DF and could reach an agreement eith your mother (and father, i suppose) on her the limits of her involvement with the planning? I you are essentially throwing a party on behalf of your parents -- since they have so much control over the guest list -- their financial contribution does seem appropriate.

You could approach it something like... I agree that this is the better venue, it's where we'd really like to have our wedding, and I would appreciate your contribution. But given recent events, I'm concerned that DF and I will lose control over our wedding if we accept this help. Can we discuss how things would proceed if we accept this help? If not, we'll go with venue 2....

Obviously I'm not talking about a legal contract, just an up-front discussion and agreement that you can use as a point of reference if things start to get out of hand... with your father and DF as witnesses to keep you both honest to your agreement.

Hi! My name is Pollyanna!

But seriously, you have a real opportunity here, not just to have the wedding you want, but to start reshaping your relationship with your family.

Ally, I think I understand your situation a bit. Both of my parents are "old country" (Asian and Germanic) and were raised in families where it was the parents' duty to shape kids into their notions of dutiful children and citizens, and the kids' duty to obey. As the oldest child and the only daughter, I was subject to a lot of expectations (external and internal) and attempts at shaping. My mother in particular was a huge influence in my life and thoughts. It took a long time for me to be able to seperate myself from her. There are still times when she acts as if I've betrayed her or don't love her if I questions something she has done, or her advice for me. But... I'm also aware that my parents were working with what they were given, that they didn't do anything out of malice, that they loved me and wanted the best for me...

I went into this as a way of saying that I understand that your situation with your family is not all black and white, and my prior posting was written as if it was. But since you're entering into marriage with your DF, it's more important than ever that you start to work on setting those boundaries. Maybe you can use the wedding as an opportunity to devlop a more adult balance of power (and respect) in your relationship with your mother.

 

[Gypsy]

Well here are my thoughts, for what its worth.

1. It feels like she's buying you off, on the one hand. My mother does this, so I'm sensitive to it. Not that I don't succumb to it occassionally, because I do... but she does use money to get her way sometimes. It's manipulative. And its a bribe. As long as you KNOW that going in... well, for me, it keeps me from feeling overly indebited. She did something wrong, she is trying to make up for it. Restitution. So, if you accept the offer... don't feel beholden and just give in out of guilt or obligation. It's not a gift, it's restitution. Treat it that way. She's not doing you a favor. If you go into this thinking that way... everything is going to go to heck in a handbasket.

2. On the other hand... I feel like your post about how you feel about family and not letting the wedding be a battle in this war with them really implies that you are gonna roll over and give in to them for the most part anyway (sorry if that's blunt... that's just what I am seeing and hearing). I'm not hearing you ready to make an issue out of their bad behaviour over 'one day' (although, Ally, it's not the day we're concerned about, its all the days and the way they treat you period... but that seems to be beating a comatose horse you aren't willing to revive at this point so we'll ignore it). So... I feel like she is going to be a PITA ANYWAY so you might as well take the money and get the venue you want.

The way I'm thinking about it you aren't going to stand up to her so she's going to be a monster whenever she wants to be anyway. If you take the money at least she has something invested in the wedding, you have a deposit and can move forward with planning, and you get the venue you want. Cause honey, even if you reject the money... next time she acts out, I don't see you kicking her out or smacking her down. If you are going to let her walk all over the wedding... at least the floor she walks on will be your first choice.

Plus, everytime she brings up the $$ you can just point out that since she misbehaved to the point that you guys LOST your original venue (both with the date fiasco and your sis, and now this) this was the least she could do to make it up to you-- so you aren't going to feel guilty or beholden. Entitlement is a dirty word-- but sometimes its useful. If you go in with an attitude of entitlement about this (if that's something you can do, I'm not sure it's in your sweet nature... I'm a PITA so its different) it might keep the woman in check. It works with my mom when she bribes me. I make HER feel like I'M doing HER the favor by accepting the bribe and giving HER the chance to make things up to me. The difference between you and me is that I AM going to make my mom pay if she does something horrid, I don't let usually her get away with things, so she is usually relieved that she can make something go away with a bribe-- because when she does something really henious and I don't take the bribe (happens more than you'd think) or it's not something that she can make up with money... she loses her daughter until she apologizes. Not just an I'm sorry either, a full on sincere I know exactly what I did, why it was wrong, and here's why it won't happen again. I cut my dad out of my life completely a few years back. And he is not invited to the wedding... so I think that even though she KNOWS it would take years of seriously egregious crap for me to walk away completely... its something I cam capable of if pushed to hard. So it keeps her in check a little. Not a lot... but a little. With John... she almost lost me. She's always known that if push came to shove I would have chosen him over her. Simply because he wasn't the one forcing me to make a choice and she was. The point of this rambling is to say... I know my situation and relationship with my mother is different than yours... but what works for me may help you at least a little. Entitlement. Not always bad. Not if keeping that attitude gets you treated as a person worthy of respect instead of a doormat.

I just hope you don't regret taking the money.

Also, if you don't take the money... and DO book the original venue then what? Is she gonna harp from here till the wedding about your choices? I mean, this is not an easy woman to deal with. Let's face it. It's not like she's gonna roll over and play dead if you decide to reject her bribe/manipulation (cause that's what this is). If she's anything like my mother... not taking the money could lead to months of little comments and digs until I explode and tell her off. Which just is NOT pleasant for anyone.