annoyed with my mom...am I wrong?

[Nov2109]

Here''s the story, apologies in advance if I go on a tangent.

My parents divorced about 13 years ago.... My mother received a beautiful .75ct round from my Dad for her engagement ring...which she kept. I had asked her when I was about 15 if we could incorporate the ring/stone in my wedding...she said yes. Not too long before I graduated from college my mom had mentioned the stone(which was last year) and said she was going to go get it cleaned and appraised. I got very upset because I thought she was selling it...she then said she was thinking about having it set as a pendant for my college graduation gift...needless to say I was so happy...and what an awesome graduation gift! Although my parents marriage ended-the symbol of that ring/stone still means a lot to me. My mom then decided to announce two weeks before my fiance was proposing(which she knew, he asked both parents permission) that she was going to marry her long time boyfriend(whom I dislike, very much)...she was married two weeks after my engagement. I sucked it up and was there for my mom..because well...shes my mom. I noticed she had a beautiful necklace on at her wedding. I asked about it and she kind of ignored my question.(thankfully she did not wear white..i told her it would be a little obvious she was not "pure" when you have two children and an ex-husband)

She had the stone from my dad set in a necklace for herself...to wear at HER second wedding...(i cant tell you how much fun it was to hear, oh so your next at my moms wedding-it took everything out of me to say no...not next-SHE ALREADY HAD A 200 person wedding..this is not a real wedding!) I wear white gold or platinum...i have never liked yellow gold(which she knows), and thats what she set it in. I went from being ecstatic that my mom was going to give me the stone to wear on my wedding day...and now it appears I''ll never get it...and even if she offered it to me for the day, it would not go with any other jewelery I was planning on wearing...including my engagement ring!

Should I be upset? My aunt(her sister) is more like a friend to me than an aunt, and I told her how upset I was about this. She offered to let me go through her jewelery and pick out something "borrowed" shes got beautiful jewelery...but its still not the same, my mothers stone really means alot to me...and I feel as if she has been really selfish in regards to my wedding(you know its only the most important day of my life..but thats a story for another day, for one-my aunt also had to go dress shopping with me at one point because my mom was too busy being a newlywed)

 

[mrowmrowsmom]

I do think you''re wrong, sorry. She obviously changed her mind about giving you the diamond, which was hers to begin with. You come off as being very judgmental about your mother''s second wedding. Why is it any less of a wedding just because she''s getting married a second time? Also, so what if she HAD decided to wear white? To me, wearing white symbolizes celebration and a new beginning, not just purity.

It sounds to me like you''re really bitter about your mother remarrying, and about you not receiving what would have been a very generous gift to begin with. I think you should let it go and be happy for your mom. And please remember that your wedding is never as important to anyone else as it is to you.

 

[princesss]

Deleted.

The gist of it is: it's your mother's stone to do with as she pleases, and whether you approve of the marriage or not, your mother's wedding WAS a real wedding and she is just as married as you will be.

 

[sklingem]

Hey Nov -
I am sorry to hear that you are upset. The bottom line is that it is your mom''s stone - she can do with it whatever she wants with it, no matter how much it means to you. And, to be honest, it probably means at least as much to her than to does to you - probably for very different reasons. And based on your description she never made a firm commitment to give it to you - she was "thinking about it". That being said - she should have talked to you about her plans with it given that you both have talked about it before. I do also think that you have a lot of anger bottled up towards your mom and your reaction to what your mom did is really symptomatic of other unrelated issues - e.g. the way she has decided to carry on her life and relationship. I would be careful not to mix those up. I would encourage you to speak your mind and let you mom know about your feelings about the stone, keeping in mind that it is HER stone. I would also encourage you (separately!) to address the other feelings towards your mom - keeping in mind that she is an adult who is free to (and should!) make the decision that she thinks will make her happy. There is only so much you can do about it. Voice your realistic concerns (not displeasure) and don''t forget to support her even if you disagree on certain things.
Good luck!

 

[kama_s]

Date: 9/2/2009 7:01:38 PM
Author: princesss
Yes, you''re wrong.

1) It''s her stone to do with as she pleases. If she wants to set the stone in yellow gold and wear it for her special day, that''s her right. It''s her stone, not yours. You have absolutely no claim to it, no matter how much you have romanticized it, or if she said before that she''d give it to you. She never gave it to you, it''s hers.

2) You may not like it, but that wedding was a real wedding. Your mom and step dad are married, it doesn''t matter that she was married before. She could have worn white if she wanted to, and she could have had a 200 person wedding again.

Put on your big girl panties. Now you''ve got a chance to get yourself a necklace you love, or you have a free neck if your FI decides to get you a necklace, but get over the fact that your mother did what she wanted with a stone that she owns.

I''m with princesss on this one. What I would have hoped, though, is that she would''ve to the very least talked to you about her change in plans. It sounds to me she made a promise and then reneged on it. She has full right to change her mind, but a word with you about it would''ve been the nice thing to do.

Also sounds you''re holding a lot of resentment about her wedding. There''s nothing wrong with wearing white and inviting 200 people to a second wedding. Why are you so bitter about her happiness?

 

[Nov2109]

I probably should have given a few more details about the situation...

My mother cheated on my Dad, with her now husband...hence the reason I don''t like him, or am that thrilled he is now permanently part of my life. She could have married him at anytime over the last 13 years, but she decided to do it two weeks after my engagement, and a week before my graduation party...I kind of felt like the important things in my life were not all that important, because they were overshadowed by her wedding.

My mother is also very old fashioned when it comes to weddings, which is why wearing white for her would have been a little hypocritical. They did not get married in a catholic church, because she did not want to go before the church and tell them why she wants the marriage to my father annulled(kind of weird in the eyes of the church they are still married)

I guess I''m just upset that she told me I could wear it on my wedding day-she kept it in a safe for 13 years...I hardly ever saw it and she hid it from me...which made it even worse..she wore it this summer to a family bbq and thats when i realized it was the stone, and asked her about it...and she said well i didnt want to tell you at the wedding because i thought you might be upset...really?

a side note-my dad actually was getting the ring back in the settlement, but he told my mom to hold onto it so she could pass it on to me...thats what REALLY gets to me the most.

 

[kama_s]

Eeks. Yeah, I can see why you''re upset then. Can you bring it up with her again? Tell her your father and yourself were hoping you would wear that stone on your wedding.

I do find it bizarre that her engagement/wedding happened right when yours did and a stone that didnt interest her up until now is suddenly her prized possession. Why would she even want to wear a diamond from her previous marriage?!

 

[Nov2109]

Oh, one more thing-they apparently had been engaged for about 5 years, didn''t tell her kids.. Her engagement ring isn''t very engagement ring looking-which is why I guess I never noticed it, just thought it was a gift...what am I supposed to be psychic that he proposed and there was no mention of it until I was going to get engaged...5 years later? (seeing this situation written down, really does make this whole situation seem bizzare!)

I guess me trying to shorten the story left out a few key parts as to why I''m upset about my mothers engagement ring from my dad!

I have these horrible thoughts that down the road when my moms 150 years old and not with us anymore, hes going to give the diamond to his daughter....or something crazy like that, but given the situation, I wouldnt put a thing past that man.

I surprisingly have a good relationship with my mom...even though from these posts it appears I do not. Ive only got one mom, and I would never want anything bad to happen to her and only want her to be happy...guess I''m just hurt she doesnt always take my feelings into consideration.

 

[mrowmrowsmom]

This makes so much more sense. I''m sorry that you''ve gotten caught up in your family drama right around your wedding.

Have you thought about speaking to your dad? Not that you want to sue your mom or anything, but if the ring was part of his divorce settlement and she was supposed to give it to you, perhaps he could remind her of this? That way, you don''t have to be the bad guy.

In any case, these situations can be tough. Hang in there.

 

[Nov2109]

I think I''m just going to go with the approach...I''m wearing that on my wedding day, and you are re-setting it in white gold. or I''m telling Dad...

if only that would work, and isnt the least bit childish.

Once I''m not that mad about it, I''m going to try to tell my mom how upset/angry I am that she did that with the stone....and that I would really like to be able to wear it at my wedding.

I hope I''ll be able to post pictures of the necklace on my wedding day.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 9/2/2009 8:24:53 PM
Author: Nov2109
I think I''m just going to go with the approach...I''m wearing that on my wedding day, and you are re-setting it in white gold. or I''m telling Dad...


if only that would work, and isnt the least bit childish.

Once I''m not that mad about it, I''m going to try to tell my mom how upset/angry I am that she did that with the stone....and that I would really like to be able to wear it at my wedding.


I hope I''ll be able to post pictures of the necklace on my wedding day.

I think you shoudl be honest with your mom, and tell her how you feel.
Ye sit is her stone, but yes if she was supposed to give it to you she needs to give it to you.
It probably holds more sentiment to you then it does to her. But once again, it is technically her stone.

 

[princesss]

I've been trying to figure out how I feel about this with all the new information. (PS - Sorry my original post was so harsh! I guess I am grumpier than I realized today.)

I think it's really between your parents. Since your mom seems to have no intention of giving you the stone, it's up to your dad to get it back. I wouldn't run to him and ask for it, but I would share with her that you're upset (and why - NICELY). Just lay the facts out, try to pull most of the emotion out of it, and then ask your mom how she feels about the stone.

It does seem as if your mom is the type to need attention, and I'm sorry that you feel like your special time is being overshadowed.

 

[cocolaw]

i am so sorry to hear about that. that is really upsetting! based on the way your mom has acted (hiding the necklace/stone), she''s not going to give it to you when you tell her that you are upset about it. i mean she knew you would be and didn''t care...that''s why she said she hid it from you. but everything she has done in the past few weeks has indicated that she could care less about your feelings.....she is only concerned with being the center of attention and stealing your spotlight.


she knew that you would protest her setting the diamond in a necklace for her to wear (and keep) because the diamond was meant to be yours! do you think she decided to have it set in yellow gold so that you might say "oh well, it''s set in yellow gold, i don''t want to wear a yellow gold necklace"?? hmmmm.

does her new husband know that she is wearing her old engagement diamond around her neck? that is kind of disgusting in my opinion. it''s not like her old husband died and she remarried. she cheated!!

honestly this would piss me off. i wouldn''t tell her i''m hurt, i''d tell her that i am very angry and that i want my diamond now, so that i can have it set to wear on my wedding day. she clearly doesn''t care if you are hurt. i''m sorry!

 

[D&T]

Date: 9/2/2009 8:27:20 PM
Author: ckrickett


I think you shoudl be honest with your mom, and tell her how you feel.
Ye sit is her stone, but yes if she was supposed to give it to you she needs to give it to you.
It probably holds more sentiment to you then it does to her. But once again, it is technically her stone.

totally agree. I hope you do get the stone though.

 

[lulu]

It''s your mother''s stone. And she''s entitled to change her mind.

 

[cara]

Ditto the others, you are transferring upset-ness at your mother''s life choices onto this ring.

The most legitimate gripe you have is that she let you believe she was going to give it to you as a gift and then kept it for herself. It sounds like you wanted it very much (ie. you were upset that she might be selling it) and she just said something to keep you happy - not the bravest way of handling it but there you have it.

As for you wanting the ring, while I understand its a nice sentiment to want this piece of stone that symbolized your parent''s marriage and relationship, the fact is that its her stone and her symbolism first. Your father didn''t and doesn''t have much standing to dictate what happens to it - law is fairly settled on this matter. Its a gift contingent upon marriage and the marriage happened so the ring is your mother''s property. It sounds like your mother has washed the ring of any symbolism - for better or worse, she wore it at her second wedding - and you should too, for your own piece of mind. No point pondering over it for the rest of her days, fretting that this piece of carbon will go to your step-sister instead of you.

Whomever suggested that the OP drag her father into this ring drama, I think that''s a horrible idea. Go ask the cuckolded ex-husband what he thinks of his former wife wearing the stone he bought at her second wedding - to the man she cheated on him with! - when his daughter would prefer that she be given the stone? That''s not likely to ratchet down the soap-worthiness of this episode.

As for the rest, Nov2109, you are still seething with anger regarding your parents divorce, and your anger is affecting your relationship with your mother, like it or not. Your stepfather may have been involved in breaking up your parents marriage, but really, its time for you to put some of the responsibility for that cheating on your mother. SHE CHEATED. Its on her. Those were her marriage vows she broke. If you still dislike her new man after all these years, you have to attribute it to her bad judgment and poor choice of partner at some level. This is who she is.

She''s also the kind to schedule her wedding near her kid''s graduation and engagement - either because she''s petty and competitive with her daughter OR because she didn''t think there should be any ''competition'' for attention between the various happy events. She''s also the kind not to tell her daughter that she is actually engaged for 5 years - perhaps because she senses this news wouldn''t be well received. See the part earlier about letting you believe she would give you the stone - apparently she doesn''t like to tell people difficult truths and will say things to keep the peace even if she''s not 100% behind them. She''s human, these are her characteristics, not all of them perfect. It is for you to accept these characteristics, but also to realize your own role in the dynamic. It must be hard for her to know that you disapprove of her marriage, of her life choices, at the same time you want her to be excited for your marriage. That you think her (second) marriage isn''t a happy event and isn''t as ''real'' as your upcoming marriage says it all - you haven''t really forgiven her the breakup of her first marriage enough to be happy for her second.

I can''t help you there - apparently I haven''t really forgiven or dealt with my parents ugly breakup and their associated less-than-stellar behavior. But getting mad at them for piddling things when I''m really still appalled at their divorce-related behavior doesn''t really help things, and its the same for you.

 

[cara]

OK, just read that you believe that your father actually owns the stone per the divorce settlement (unusual but not unprecedented.) I still wouldn''t touch this with a ten-foot pole.

If you want to stoop to the pettiness of ratting out your mother and making your father come reclaim is 3/4 ct stone from your mother''s neck, well you are legally entitled. Or rather, he is and there is no legal prohibition to you spurring him on.

But really - do you want to interject yourself into divorce politics this much? Is putting your mother in her place worth the cost? While acting more adult than your mother is a sad position to be in, I''m not sure stooping below her level is such a great place to be either.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I am sorry that this whole situation has got you all worked up and upset and i''m sorry to say this but, i don''t think you really have any right to that stone.

I completely get where you are coming from though. When my parents divorced they had ''an agreement'' that my sister and i would get everything that my dad has (lots) in our inheritance and for that reason my mum got less out of the settlement than she was entitled to because she thought that we would end up with it... fast forward 20 years and dad is almost certainly going to leave it all the crazy girlfriend. My mum is completely seething over the fact because she has always thought that we would get it, that was the deal, but at the end of the day it is my dads money to do what he pleases with and if he wants to leave it all to the crazy girlfriend he has been with for 5 minutes then so be it. I have come to realise (and am so glad that i did) that it really isn''t worth getting myself all worked up in knots over (like my sister and mum still are) it''s just not worth it!

The best piece of advice that i can offer you is just to let it go, i promise you really will feel better once you let all of the anger and resentment that you have towards your mother over a diamond go, and would you really want to wear a diamond that you forced your mother to give you?

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 9/2/2009 7:24:46 PM
Author: Nov2109

a side note-my dad actually was getting the ring back in the settlement, but he told my mom to hold onto it so she could pass it on to me...thats what REALLY gets to me the most.

I do think you have the right to ask your mother to give you the diamond now that you are an adult, particularly since you are about to get married and would like to wear it on your wedding day.

I don''t think you have the right to have it re-set to your specifications.

I''m curious as to whether the agreement between your parents re the diamond was formalized. Is it in writing? Did your father tell you about this, or was it an understanding that was generally known and talked about among the three of you? If it''s in writing or an open agreement between the three of you I think it would be appropriate for you to either talk to your mother or write her a note about the diamond. If your understanding is based on something your father told you, I think it would be appropriate for your father to take it up (they''ve been divorced for 13 years -- I doubt that his feelings are still raw over this.)

Good luck!

 

[decodelighted]

Things don''t always happen on *our* desired timetable. Even if your father meant the stone to be passed onto you *eventually* .. that often occurs in an estate, after someone has passed away. Not, say, on YOUR schedule -- i.e. you want to wear it for your wedding. Your mom may be a lot of things ... but the stone is HERS. It was hers when your father gave it to her for an engagement that WAS consummated. Maybe she changed her mind when she took it OUT of that safe where it had been and realized she wanted to start wearing it again HERSELF. It sucks that she said one thing & did another -- but you don''t have any RIGHTS to the stone. Legally, ethically or morally. And I''m not sure why you even WANT to wear it for your wedding -- since it kinda represents DIVORCE at this point. I can see why you''d want it EVENTUALLY ... as it at one time represented the union into which you were born & all ... but to wear it on your WEDDING day, when it was meant as a promise to another union that *didn''t last* ... seems, um, a stretch. Maybe you''re kinda inventing "reasons" to want that stone. Most important day of your life? Okay. Sure. If you say so. But honestly you''re not going to be fixated on a necklace. And if it was the symbolism you wanted to honor -- the last thing you''d be worried about is WHAT COLOR GOLD its set in currently. Puh-leeze. You want a piece of jewelry. You tasted it. You thought you were getting it for graduation ... you thought you''d get it for the wedding .... you almost had it and now its gone. You''re mad & its understandable. But ultimately I''d just get busy getting over it. Your bitterness towards your mom is OVERFLOWING. Deserved or not. Its worth taking a look at and trying to get past whatever real issues are making *this* issue come to a head. Often times in life we''re not really mad at what we think we''re mad at. Yes you''d like the stone but what the heck does that have to do with your Mom''s PURITY??!!! Soiled old farts like her shouldn''t get to keep ill gotten sparklies ... or marry again ... or change their minds?

 

[honey22]

I have been living in sin for the past 13 years with my fiance and I would happily wear white to my wedding. I think your remark was uncalled for and rude.

I am not a virgin, that doesn't mean I can't wear white!

And why on earth would you want that stone? You are clearly upset with your Mum, why would you want to wear a symbol of a marriage that has failed (not to mention, it failed when your Mum cheated on your Dad with the guy you hate)? It's not anything symbolic to you, you just want the jewellery. Your attitude kinda sucks really.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 9/2/2009 10:47:53 PM
Author: honey22
I have been living in sin for the past 13 years with my fiance and I would happily wear white to my wedding. I think your remark was uncalled for and rude.

I am not a virgin, that doesn''t mean I can''t wear white!

I am wearing white too!!!

(And i have a daughter!!!!!!) GASP!!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/2/2009 6:37:06 PM
Author:Nov2109
thankfully she did not wear white..i told her it would be a little obvious she was not ''pure'' when you have two children and an ex-husband

You know what matches off-white perfectly? Tainted engagement stone! Sorry ... its just too dingy to be worn for your "pure" union ... no matter what color gold its set in.

 

[MagsyMay]

This clearly has more to do with your (understandable) feelings about your parents'' failed marriage and your relationship with you mom, rather than about getting a diamond you were "supposed" to get. After all the heartache and bad feelings, I don''t really understand why you''d even want the darn thing, quite honestly!

I also think the white dress comment was pretty judgmental. I''d venture to guess that most gals on this board aren''t "pure" in the sense of being virgins, and some are on second marriages, already have children, etc. Everyone has the right to feel beautiful and happy on her wedding day (second, third, 10 kids or not!), and should wear whatever she darn well pleases!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Honestly, I think that you''re a jumble of emotions and you''re pushing them out on the most tactile thing possible...a diamond.

Do I think you should be upset? Yes. This obviously meant a lot to you...and her knowing that, and dashing it--well, that hurts coming from a Mom. But I think, at the end, as others have pointed out--you''re not upset about a diamond alone...you''re working through a lot of mixed emotions (most bad) and you''re projecting.

I think that you should sit your Mom down and talk. She needs to hear your feelings. You can either be adult about it, or let it stew. Letting it stew will only make it worse, by the way. You don''t have to solve all the problems...but the first talk is always the hardest, getting it out of the way will create a platform for future honestly.

((big hugs)) you''ll be ok.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 9/2/2009 10:47:53 PM
Author: honey22
I have been living in sin for the past 13 years with my fiance and I would happily wear white to my wedding. I think your remark was uncalled for and rude.

I am not a virgin, that doesn''t mean I can''t wear white!

And why on earth would you want that stone? You are clearly upset with your Mum, why would you want to wear a symbol of a marriage that has failed (not to mention, it failed when your Mum cheated on your Dad with the guy you hate)? It''s not anything symbolic to you, you just want the jewellery. Your attitude kinda sucks really.

While I wholeheartedly agree with you that all brides should be able to wear white if they choose to (and the remark about how her mother shouldn''t wear white was uncalled for), I do disagree with your last point. I can see why the diamond would be symbolic or special to Nov2109 despite what happened between her parents in their marriage. My parents'' marriage ended in a bitter divorce which left them basically hating each other for the last 20 years (most of my life). However, when my mother gave me the stone from her original engagement ring to wear as a necklace at my own wedding (and to keep after the wedding) I can''t explain how happy it made me. I don''t know how to put it into words, and maybe it doesn''t make sense because to most people it might be a "tainted" diamond, but it was and is VERY special to me. It had nothing to do with wanting more jewelry or diamonds - I have jewelry and I have diamonds, and if my mother had offered to buy me a bigger or nicer diamond instead I would have turned her down. It had nothing to do with wanting a diamond necklace. It had everything to do with wanting the diamond from my parents'' marriage. Other than my own engagement ring and wedding bands from my husband, that necklace I have is the most special piece of jewelry I own and I truly cherish it.

I think it''s hard to understand why someone would want a diamond like that unless they''ve been in a similar situation. While I agree that Nov2109 sounds very bitter about some of the things that have happened (and I definitely think some of the comments were uncalled for in the original post) I do COMPLETELY understand the desire to have a diamond from a parents'' marriage, regardless of whether the marriage was a "success" or a "failure."

 

[cindygenit]

Date: 9/2/2009 6:37:06 PM
Author:Nov2109
Here''s the story, apologies in advance if I go on a tangent.

My parents divorced about 13 years ago.... My mother received a beautiful .75ct round from my Dad for her engagement ring...which she kept. I had asked her when I was about 15 if we could incorporate the ring/stone in my wedding...she said yes. Not too long before I graduated from college my mom had mentioned the stone(which was last year) and said she was going to go get it cleaned and appraised. I got very upset because I thought she was selling it...she then said she was thinking about having it set as a pendant for my college graduation gift...needless to say I was so happy...and what an awesome graduation gift! Although my parents marriage ended-the symbol of that ring/stone still means a lot to me. My mom then decided to announce two weeks before my fiance was proposing(which she knew, he asked both parents permission) that she was going to marry her long time boyfriend(whom I dislike, very much)...she was married two weeks after my engagement. I sucked it up and was there for my mom..because well...shes my mom. I noticed she had a beautiful necklace on at her wedding. I asked about it and she kind of ignored my question.(thankfully she did not wear white..i told her it would be a little obvious she was not ''pure'' when you have two children and an ex-husband)

She had the stone from my dad set in a necklace for herself...to wear at HER second wedding...(i cant tell you how much fun it was to hear, oh so your next at my moms wedding-it took everything out of me to say no...not next-SHE ALREADY HAD A 200 person wedding..this is not a real wedding!) I wear white gold or platinum...i have never liked yellow gold(which she knows), and thats what she set it in. I went from being ecstatic that my mom was going to give me the stone to wear on my wedding day...and now it appears I''ll never get it...and even if she offered it to me for the day, it would not go with any other jewelery I was planning on wearing...including my engagement ring!

Should I be upset? My aunt(her sister) is more like a friend to me than an aunt, and I told her how upset I was about this. She offered to let me go through her jewelery and pick out something ''borrowed'' shes got beautiful jewelery...but its still not the same, my mothers stone really means alot to me...and I feel as if she has been really selfish in regards to my wedding(you know its only the most important day of my life..but thats a story for another day, for one-my aunt also had to go dress shopping with me at one point because my mom was too busy being a newlywed)

First, you should to apologize to your mum about that comment.

Second, yes, you do have a right to be upset since you dad wants YOU to have the diamond.

You should speak to your mum and solve all of your issues. Obviously there are other things you are unhappy about, for eg. her new husband.

 

[Squirrly]

Date: 9/2/2009 7:24:46 PM
Author: Nov2109
My mother is also very old fashioned when it comes to weddings, which is why wearing white for her would have been a little hypocritical. They did not get married in a catholic church, because she did not want to go before the church and tell them why she wants the marriage to my father annulled(kind of weird in the eyes of the church they are still married)

would i have told my mom not to wear white if she got remarried, probably not. however while most here are not necessarily "traditional" in their beliefs it is common knowledge that the tradition of white was to represent purity, and people who have "traditional" beliefs are as entitled to them as those who aren''t "traditional", something which seems to be an unusual concept these days, which is slightly humorous since the general outcry of non-traditionals has been historically that they are being persecuted when it currently seems more so that they are the majority (a majority that i too fall into before i wrongly get accused again of not being one). and for what it''s worth, i for one think that your statement towards your mother whose history and beliefs you know intimately has any bearing, judgment, or relevance upon me, someone who you have never or probably never will meet.

and if it makes you feel any better, hypocrisy is my biggest pet peeve. i only hope that i am more so not one than i am one.

hugs, and i hope you''re able to collect your thoughts and feelings and enjoy your day no matter what happens. it should be the happiest day of your life, after all, you get to marry the one you love!
and while i have no similar history or anything even close with which to offer advice, i do have plenty of hugs to give

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 9/2/2009 10:35:32 PM
Author: decodelighted
Things don't always happen on *our* desired timetable. Even if your father meant the stone to be passed onto you *eventually* .. that often occurs in an estate, after someone has passed away. Not, say, on YOUR schedule -- i.e. you want to wear it for your wedding. Your mom may be a lot of things ... but the stone is HERS. It was hers when your father gave it to her for an engagement that WAS consummated. Maybe she changed her mind when she took it OUT of that safe where it had been and realized she wanted to start wearing it again HERSELF. It sucks that she said one thing & did another -- but you don't have any RIGHTS to the stone. Legally, ethically or morally. And I'm not sure why you even WANT to wear it for your wedding -- since it kinda represents DIVORCE at this point. I can see why you'd want it EVENTUALLY ... as it at one time represented the union into which you were born & all ... but to wear it on your WEDDING day, when it was meant as a promise to another union that *didn't last* ... seems, um, a stretch. Maybe you're kinda inventing 'reasons' to want that stone. Most important day of your life? Okay. Sure. If you say so. But honestly you're not going to be fixated on a necklace. And if it was the symbolism you wanted to honor -- the last thing you'd be worried about is WHAT COLOR GOLD its set in currently. Puh-leeze. You want a piece of jewelry. You tasted it. You thought you were getting it for graduation ... you thought you'd get it for the wedding .... you almost had it and now its gone. You're mad & its understandable. But ultimately I'd just get busy getting over it. Your bitterness towards your mom is OVERFLOWING. Deserved or not. Its worth taking a look at and trying to get past whatever real issues are making *this* issue come to a head. Often times in life we're not really mad at what we think we're mad at. Yes you'd like the stone but what the heck does that have to do with your Mom's PURITY??!!! Soiled old farts like her shouldn't get to keep ill gotten sparklies ... or marry again ... or change their minds?

Exactly. Especially the bolded sections, but yes, all of this exactly.

Sucks to think you're getting a nice sparkly and then don't get it, but seriously? I'd keep well and truly away from this, otherwise you'll find yourself smack dab in the middle of a war between your divorced parents over a trinket that sounds to me like it was intended to be left to you in your mom's will, not handed over when you put your hand out for it. Just because your mother cheated on your father doesn't mean she has to forfeit any of her belongings to you; it would have been a *gift*, and for all you know, she may *still* give it to you eventually. But plan on not. Find another necklace and move on.

 

[Clio]

it is common knowledge that the tradition of white was to represent purity

That is actually incorrect. Up until the mid-19th century, Western brides generally just wore their nicest dress, whatever the color (and white, which was difficult to keep clean, was rarely the choice unless the bride was wealthy). Queen Victoria wore a white dress for her wedding (many previous royal brides actually wore silver or richly embroidered brocade), and this, along with the fact that the industrial revolution made fabrics and laces much cheaper, led to the popularity of the white dress. Even to the end of the century, however, many brides chose a color other than white.

/end off-topic pedantry