annoyed with my mom...am I wrong?

[Nov2109]

First, I want to clarify that the stone/ring has nothing to do with getting a piece of jewelery...and I don''t really appreciate people assuming that I am some "diamond hungry" person.(which also makes me rethink coming on here anymore) If i wanted a necklace, ring etc, I would just go buy it for myself. It has everything to do with the symolism of my parents marriage, of which I came from...regardless if the marriage failed, i still have two parents who once were married. it is a piece of family history, and I do not think of the diamond as tainted...if you are not a child of divorce than you may not understand it. I love both of my parents very much..it is not simply a piece of "carbon" it could be a cubic zirocnia for all I care, it would still have the same meaning to me...Lilac your statement is 100% how I feel...thanks. I always hoped that if I have a daughter or my brother(or both of us) our children would be able to wear the stone at their weddings and so-on.

The comment about my mom wearing white probably came off more harsh than not... but when you are angry/upset about something things dont always come out right. She ASKED for my opinion and I told her I did not feel it was appropriate...because she is more of an oldfashioned catholic who has two adult children, and her union came from an affair. I agree with the fact that most girls are not "pure" on their wedding day, myself included. Ive lived with my fiance for the past six months...She did not have a huge elaborate wedding, which was the other reason I told her a traditional wedding dress would have been inappropriate...I have to hide the fact that I am living "in sin" from my grandparents, and lie to the church to not embarrass her-the same church I want to add that does not know my mother remarried. I think its just ridiculous that I have to lie, personally.

I am not going to bring my Dad into this, because its not his problem, and he would probably feel bad about not taking the ring and passing it down to me himself one day...the only time they have talked in the past 13 years was in court, and the one time I had to spend the night in the hospital...and if HIPPA laws were not so strict, im pretty sure they would have avoided speaking then. my mother is not his favorite person-they had a very messy divorce. I''m not kidding, I don''t think there was a single thing left out of the divorce settlement, pretty sure the carpeting, and the nails that held it down were included. I did speak with my mother a few times regarding the ring, i actually wanted to wear her ring on my right hand at my wedding. I was not expecting to be given the ring on my wedding day, but be able to wear it. I had always assumed it would be passed on to me when my mother passed away, not because I wanted it.

My mothers husband is not the nicest man in the world, I actually do not speak to him, nor does my brother...there are many reasons besides him contributing to my parents divorce that I do not like him. He went off on a rant one day that we are spoiled brats, he cant stand us and just because hes not our father doesnt mean we dont have to listen to him. He didn''t realize my brother was in the house, he had just come home from college for the weekend...and heard everything. In my moms defense, she told him he was being ridiculous and we are not spoiled brats. ( not sure where he got that from, my brother and I paid for our cars and college, hence my massive student loans) My fiance and I are also paying for our own wedding(my dad is ill and I do not want to burden him, and we''re adults, and have jobs)

For everyone who keeps saying the diamond is HERS, it is infact NOT, another reason I was alittle annoyed she set it the way SHE wanted it. If she was going to re-set it...i guess thats ok too, but knowing the ring was intended for me after the divorce, maybe she could have taken that into consideration? She has never bought me a piece of yellow gold...ever.

I am going to be going back to my fathers this weekend, and stopping into see my mom(they hate eachother, yet live 2 miles away from one another, grocery shopping is always fun) and I may decide to talk to her about it then....im just trying to figure out how to approach it, as Im sure its not going to be the easiest conversation to have.

Thanks for everyone''s opinions, and sorry for leaving out some of the key details in the original post. Its not always the easiest thing to see written down that my mother had an affair, nor do I like saying it.

 

[tyty333]

Nov2109 - if I REALLY wanted that diamond (for whatever reason), I would do my best to save up enough money
to buy a new diamond necklace (a little better than the other one) and ask my Mom to trade with me.

Mom would get a new untainted diamond/necklace and you would get your diamond that you have feelings
attached to.

I do feel like you need to work out your feelings about your Mom/stepdad (for your own peace of mind). Its
been 13 years since the divorce and its time to try and accept that it happened and move on. I''m sure it
was a very tramatic time in your life but I hate to see it continue to affect your happiness.

 

[summertime]

Nov, I just wanted to chime in with a *hug* for you because I think there have been some unnecessarily harsh comments made in this thread, and not everyone seems to grasp the fact that the diamond was not hers to do whatever she wanted with. I hope things get better for you.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 9/3/2009 10:36:09 AM
Author: summertime
Nov, I just wanted to chime in with a *hug* for you because I think there have been some unnecessarily harsh comments made in this thread, and not everyone seems to grasp the fact that the diamond was not hers to do whatever she wanted with. I hope things get better for you.

Sorry but can you explain why the diamond isn''t your mums? Was it written into the divorce settement that you were to recieve the ring? Can you legally prove that it''s not hers anymore? Just trying to ''grasp'' this part a bit more.

 

[summertime]

Date: 9/3/2009 10:53:12 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree

Date: 9/3/2009 10:36:09 AM
Author: summertime
Nov, I just wanted to chime in with a *hug* for you because I think there have been some unnecessarily harsh comments made in this thread, and not everyone seems to grasp the fact that the diamond was not hers to do whatever she wanted with. I hope things get better for you.

Sorry but can you explain why the diamond isn''t your mums? Was it written into the divorce settement that you were to recieve the ring? Can you legally prove that it''s not hers anymore? Just trying to ''grasp'' this part a bit more.

Sorry, but are you speaking to the OP, or to me? I am unsure of the answers to your questions, and I agree that the best way to ensure that the OP received the diamond was to put it legally in writing.

Whether the diamond was the OP''s mothers can be interpreted in two ways - legally and morally. Legally, if there is no legitimate contract that specifies that the diamond will pass to the OP, then, of course, the OP has no legal claim to it. But morally, the mother knew the father wanted the diamond to go to the OP, and had agreed to keep it until that time. Then, the mother keeps the diamond for herself. I''m really not interested in going into a long argument, but I just didn''t understand why everyone was so harsh to the OP, when I think it is clear that her mother acted in a dishonest manner.

 

[meresal]

Date: 9/3/2009 10:53:12 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree

Date: 9/3/2009 10:36:09 AM
Author: summertime
Nov, I just wanted to chime in with a *hug* for you because I think there have been some unnecessarily harsh comments made in this thread, and not everyone seems to grasp the fact that the diamond was not hers to do whatever she wanted with. I hope things get better for you.

Sorry but can you explain why the diamond isn't your mums? Was it written into the divorce settement that you were to recieve the ring? Can you legally prove that it's not hers anymore? Just trying to 'grasp' this part a bit more.

OP said the only reason the daimond was left with her mom, was an agreement made between mom and dad that it would be given to the duaghter when she was old enough. The diamond should have gone to her dad in the divorce, but he said it could stay with the mom until that time instead.

ETA: OP, If this is indeed the case, then your father shoud be stepping in. (Regarding the daimond only.) I think you should rally talk with someone about your anger. I'm not syaing you have a "problem" at all, I'm just saying that because you are starting the adult part of your life and it might help the transition if you got some of those feeling out.

)

 

[Nov2109]

There is a legal agreement that the ring was to be given back to my father as part of the divorce settlement. My mother actually told me this years ago. He clarified that he told my mom to keep it and pass it on to me at some point, as he felt it was something that the mother should do. So at any point in time, he can tell my mother to give it back to him, as it is legally his, (some of her other jewelery he purchased over the years he received in the settlement-and told her she could keep..what was he going to do with earrings and bracelets?) I then thought to myself, wow, my parents actually had a nice conversation, with my best interest in mind? Thats awesome!

Thanks, summertime. I swear I''m not some evil bridezilla who just wants another rock to wear on her wedding day. I was actually only planning on wearing earrings, blue topaz for my something blue, that my best friend gave to me 15 years ago, for my 8th birthday present. I don''t even know if they are real...I think they are, as they were in a local jeweler''s box(but her mom could have put them in there, i still have the box they came in!) but if they were plastic, id wear them anyway. I''m sure she''ll make fun of me on my wedding day when I stick them in my ears...for holding onto them for this long!

I guess you could say I''m a sentimental person. I told my fiance I didnt care what my engagement ring looked like, or how many carats it was. He picked something out he thought I would love, I had mentioned I liked asscher cuts because they are so interesting and deep(sort of remind me of the ocean?), and old estate jewelery one day. He remembered and thats what I got. I love my ring, its absolutely stunning, and am more than grateful that he saved and saved to buy me something he knew I would absolutely love, and I would love nothing more for my ring to be passed on to generations to come...

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 9/3/2009 11:19:20 AM
Author: Nov2109
There is a legal agreement that the ring was to be given back to my father as part of the divorce settlement. My mother actually told me this years ago. He clarified that he told my mom to keep it and pass it on to me at some point, as he felt it was something that the mother should do. So at any point in time, he can tell my mother to give it back to him, as it is legally his, (some of her other jewelery he purchased over the years he received in the settlement-and told her she could keep..what was he going to do with earrings and bracelets?) I then thought to myself, wow, my parents actually had a nice conversation, with my best interest in mind? Thats awesome!


Thanks, summertime. I swear I''m not some evil bridezilla who just wants another rock to wear on her wedding day. I was actually only planning on wearing earrings, blue topaz for my something blue, that my best friend gave to me 15 years ago, for my 8th birthday present. I don''t even know if they are real...I think they are, as they were in a local jeweler''s box(but her mom could have put them in there, i still have the box they came in!) but if they were plastic, id wear them anyway. I''m sure she''ll make fun of me on my wedding day when I stick them in my ears...for holding onto them for this long!


I guess you could say I''m a sentimental person. I told my fiance I didnt care what my engagement ring looked like, or how many carats it was. He picked something out he thought I would love, I had mentioned I liked asscher cuts because they are so interesting and deep(sort of remind me of the ocean?), and old estate jewelery one day. He remembered and thats what I got. I love my ring, its absolutely stunning, and am more than grateful that he saved and saved to buy me something he knew I would absolutely love, and I would love nothing more for my ring to be passed on to generations to come...

I think things are a little clearer with the additional information, but there is still a haziness where there are legal documents saying that the ring is yours, but then your father turned over the duty of giving the ring to you to your mother, relinquishing his part in it. So, it is intended to be yours, and should already be yours, but is still not yet yours, since your father gave your mother permission to have it until she gives it to you. Which, it sounds like, your father meant for you to have earlier (like, right after the divorce proceedings?) and your mother (it would seem) thinks it is something to give you later, as is evidenced by her actions of setting it for herself.

I don''t know your mother and have no idea if maybe she will reset the stone yet again before passing it on to you, or if she will remember that she had promised you that you would be able to wear it for your wedding. I certainly hope for your sake that she has something like this planned, especially if she knows how very important and symbolic it is for you! But it seems like, since the design of the agreement between your parents is that your mother is essentially supposed to gift it to you (in your own words) "at some point," that means the stone is still currently hers but will in the nebulous future become yours. So, although your father may have wanted you to have it already, he seems to have given up control over when you get it by putting your mother in the middle, and now you have to wait until *she* deems it time for you to have it. Which, one would hope would be before your wedding, to honour her previous promise, but perhaps not.

Anyway, no matter what the legal documents say, the fact that it isn''t and hasn''t been in your possession yet would make me hesitate to call it "yours," even though there is an agreement for you to have it. Perhaps strangely, it reminds me of women who get impatient to receive their engagement rings when they know their boyfriends have bought them one, but they haven''t actually been proposed to yet. Until the boyfriend actually proposes and gifts her with the ring, it isn''t hers yet.

 

[cara]

Nov, maybe some people said harsh things using some of the details in your posts but not others, even I missed a relevant bit in my first reply, but there is a *lot* swirling around in your posts. A lot that is emotionally tinged and affecting how you see things and that jumps out at people readings the posts. Where it wouldn't otherwise be relevent, your mother cheating IS relevant because it still affects how you feel about her and is coloring your interpretations. Most of the time, a woman owns her engagement ring after marriage and after divorce, unless something else was specified in the divorce decree. According to your comments thus far, you've haven't seen the settlement papers yourself you are just going on what people told you? Seems like even you can't be certain what the terms are. Frankly, I don't care WHAT the divorce settlement says, I think you should let your mother do what she wants with the stone until she is good and done with it. You can let her know that it would mean something to you so you'd prefer she not pawn it or chuck it into the sea, but it is her symbol first, her choice.

If that doesn't sway you AND the stone is legally yours, then you have a right to be annoyed. But being right doesn't actually make it easier to get the stone from your mother. Its a little like loaning a family member money. You might be perfectly entitled to being repaid, and to being annoyed if not promptly repaid, but what are the costs to making a big deal out of it? While I totally get that this stone has sentimental value for you and is not 'tainted', what is the emotional cost to prying this stone from your unwilling mother? Would you feel good about sueing her to get it? Merely shaming her would be OK with you? (And if so, are you shaming her for the ring-hogging or other things she has done?) The absolute best outcome I can imagine here is that you confess to her your love of this stone and your hope that she would give it to you for graduation/your wedding and your sadness when she had it reset, and then she has some epiphany of compassion or whatever and gives it to you. But I don't know that either of you are in a position to pull off that scene - you are too mad at her to see straight and she doesn't appear to want to give it to you though you have probably already made your feeling plain.

I called the stone a piece of carbon because at the end of the day that is what it is. It might have sentimental value to you, but your mother is a person and I would hope that dealing with your mother and salvaging your relationship with her would be more important to you. I definitely don't think that you are bling-hungry in going on about this, but rather that you are transferring all this emotion and angst about your mother and her choices onto this stone. Like I said earlier, I am not unsympathetic and have my own hangup with my divorced parents, but it sometimes makes for ugly behavior and sometimes makes for a lot of unnecessary unhappiness.

Your mother cheated on your father with a man that you don't care for and whom she later married. Its her choice of life partner, and her choice of life actions. She also is apparently fine resetting and wearing her engagement ring stone from her first marriage, which you thought was to be yours one day based on things she told you. This is who she is. For me, facing and dealing with those facts would be a lot harder and sadder than wearing or not wearing a certain sentimental piece of jewelery on my wedding day.

 

[House Cat]

You said you wouldn''t bring your dad into this. This is very wise. I think it would open up all of his old wounds in regards to his very ugly divorce. No loving daughter would want to do that over a diamond. Allow the diamond to come to you in its own good time.


My dad had an affair, which ultimately ended my parents marriage. I know your bitter feelings. When I sat back and really looked at my parents'' relationship, I realized they were never really happy anyway. Happy people don''t have affairs. The reason for the affair and unhappiness, it''s between them. As children we feel the fallout of their unhappiness and it is unfortunate, but to blame one party or another is unfair. It takes two people to make an unhappy relationship. Really, parents do the best they can, but they are entitled to live their lives and find joy and happiness. (This was my thought process. Maybe in time, you will find your own.)


If I were in your shoes, I would lower my expectations of mom a bit. I would see that she can live her life and it can be separate from my life. Her wedding has nothing to do with my wedding. It''s just her wedding. Two separate events, period. There doesn''t have to be spite or competition as long as I don''t allow it. I would see that she doesn''t have to put her life on hold for anyone, because it is her life. She is a mother of grown children and she has put her life on hold enough while raising those children. She can live her life as she sees fit now. I would see that I am grown now too and it is my life. MY LIFE. Mom, she has very little bearing on it anymore. In that perspective, that diamond, in its yellow gold setting means very little to me because in MY LIFE, and I can make my own decisions and I certainly can buy my own incredible jewelry.

 

[LilyKat]

I think it''s understandable that you feel upset and cheated, given the background. But diamonds and jewellery, no matter what the sentimental value, are really just things. It''s relationships that are truly precious, and trust me, there isn''t any diamond in the whole world that I would let put any strain on my relationship with my mother.

Try to forgive her, put it behind you and try to focus on what''s really important in life.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 9/3/2009 11:02:21 AM
Author: summertime

Date: 9/3/2009 10:53:12 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree

Date: 9/3/2009 10:36:09 AM
Author: summertime
Nov, I just wanted to chime in with a *hug* for you because I think there have been some unnecessarily harsh comments made in this thread, and not everyone seems to grasp the fact that the diamond was not hers to do whatever she wanted with. I hope things get better for you.

Sorry but can you explain why the diamond isn''t your mums? Was it written into the divorce settement that you were to recieve the ring? Can you legally prove that it''s not hers anymore? Just trying to ''grasp'' this part a bit more.

Sorry, but are you speaking to the OP, or to me? I am unsure of the answers to your questions, and I agree that the best way to ensure that the OP received the diamond was to put it legally in writing.

Whether the diamond was the OP''s mothers can be interpreted in two ways - legally and morally. Legally, if there is no legitimate contract that specifies that the diamond will pass to the OP, then, of course, the OP has no legal claim to it. But morally, the mother knew the father wanted the diamond to go to the OP, and had agreed to keep it until that time. Then, the mother keeps the diamond for herself. I''m really not interested in going into a long argument, but I just didn''t understand why everyone was so harsh to the OP, when I think it is clear that her mother acted in a dishonest manner.

Sorry Summertime! I made that very confusing didn''t it?

In my defence it was around 1am here.

The reason I asked that question OP was just to try and get you to clarify ''why'' you thought the diamond was no longer your mothers. To me, a diamond''s ownership that can be legally proved in documents is different to a diamond''s ownership that someone ''says'' is theirs. (i hope that makes sense).

I have no advice for you on what you should do about getting the diamond, i mean on one hand if you can prove it legally then sure go for it, but then on the other hand is it worth all of the stress, heartache and strained relationships it will cause?

Hope you can come to some sort of resolution for yourself soon, there is nothing worse than having something like this swirling around in your heart, esp when you are getting married!

 

[cindygenit]

Nov2109,

Please please remember that people''s comments are based on the information you have given. If people come off a bit harsh to you, its because they don''t know the full story at the time and none of us really knows you, your mum and your dad.

I do believe that PS is a supportive community and we really try to give what we feel is good advice (again, based on YOUR post).

My apologies if I came off harshly as well. I didn''t mean to hurt your feelings.

My comment about apologizing to your mother comes from my background and beliefs. A mother is someone who gave life to you, nurtures you, and always stands by you and so, in a conflict, no matter who''s wrong, I''m wrong! BTW, I''m not suggesting that you take my advice at all. Just explaining why I said what I said to you in that post.

((HUGS))

 

[Burberrygirl]

Date: 9/3/2009 10:36:09 AM
Author: summertime
Nov, I just wanted to chime in with a *hug* for you because I think there have been some unnecessarily harsh comments made in this thread, and not everyone seems to grasp the fact that the diamond was not hers to do whatever she wanted with. I hope things get better for you.

I agree! I'm sending you big hugs!! I guess I didn't take your first post the same way that others did, but to be fair your other posts helped to clear things up. I can see why you are upset with your mother. You can't control what your mom does, but you can control how you respond. I know you're hurt and angry right now, and I think the way you've handled things so far has been very good. I didn't get the feeling from any of your post that you've been overly hurtful towards anyone. I think you're just trying to sort out all your feelings of disappointment, anger and frustration. Maybe when the time is right you should address those to her, it might create a greater level of understanding (it's also not the best to let emotions bottle up). Try and concentrate on all the wonderful things in your life like marrying your fiance, and try not to let others bring you down. Good luck, I hope things work out for you!

(((HUGS)))

 

[emeraldlover1]

Nov...you have know idea how much I can relate to your situation relating to divorce settlements and parents. My situation really had nothing to do with jewelry but everything to do with the demise of my parents relationship which only ended about 7 years ago.

To make a long story short, my dad was very involved in mine and my sisters lives since we were born. He is now married to a woman who told him that it was either he have her family as his only family or nothing at all. He choose them. Over the past 7 years he has acted like we don''t even exist. To relate to your situation my parents have been in court numerous times because my dad did not abide by the divorce decree. For example, he sold my mother''s great grandmothers antique furniture that my mom lent to him when they first got divorced so that he would have furniture to live. These were pieces that I would have liked to own one day that were promised to me by my mom and he just up and sold them at an auction. Don''t let that happen to you. I totally get that it isn''t about the diamond! For me it was owning a piece of family history that now is just sitting in someone elses living room somewhere. Those pieces furnished the front parlor of my great grandparents home in Brooklyn over 100 years ago. I drive by that old house for work at least once a week and it makes me really sad to think how selfish my Dad was. The court made him give my mom all the proceeds for the sale but those pieces are gone forever and I think that was excatly what his new wife wanted. I really believe that if it weren''t for this woman none of this would have ever happened. Up until my grandmother''s death in July I''d never even seen this woman. I say seen, not met, because we were never even introduced. I went to my grandmother''s funeral surprised that my Dad and his wife showed up and they ingnored myself and my fiance for the 5 hours that we were present. I''d go on but its completely un-related.

Honestly, I totally get that its not about the diamond. I think you are probably hurt and upset and I think that if you have a relationship with your mom you should talk to her about it. If the diamond is rightfully your Dad''s you should either talk with her about it or talk to your dad and figure out how you want to deal with it.

I''m sorry you are going through this.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 9/4/2009 7:48:24 AM
Author: emeraldlover1
Nov...you have know idea how much I can relate to your situation relating to divorce settlements and parents. My situation really had nothing to do with jewelry but everything to do with the demise of my parents relationship which only ended about 7 years ago.


To make a long story short, my dad was very involved in mine and my sisters lives since we were born. He is now married to a woman who told him that it was either he have her family as his only family or nothing at all. He choose them. Over the past 7 years he has acted like we don''t even exist. To relate to your situation my parents have been in court numerous times because my dad did not abide by the divorce decree. For example, he sold my mother''s great grandmothers antique furniture that my mom lent to him when they first got divorced so that he would have furniture to live. These were pieces that I would have liked to own one day that were promised to me by my mom and he just up and sold them at an auction. Don''t let that happen to you. I totally get that it isn''t about the diamond! For me it was owning a piece of family history that now is just sitting in someone elses living room somewhere. Those pieces furnished the front parlor of my great grandparents home in Brooklyn over 100 years ago. I drive by that old house for work at least once a week and it makes me really sad to think how selfish my Dad was. The court made him give my mom all the proceeds for the sale but those pieces are gone forever and I think that was excatly what his new wife wanted. I really believe that if it weren''t for this woman none of this would have ever happened. Up until my grandmother''s death in July I''d never even seen this woman. I say seen, not met, because we were never even introduced. I went to my grandmother''s funeral surprised that my Dad and his wife showed up and they ingnored myself and my fiance for the 5 hours that we were present. I''d go on but its completely un-related.


Honestly, I totally get that its not about the diamond. I think you are probably hurt and upset and I think that if you have a relationship with your mom you should talk to her about it. If the diamond is rightfully your Dad''s you should either talk with her about it or talk to your dad and figure out how you want to deal with it.


I''m sorry you are going through this.

agree

 

[Nov2109]

Thanks, everyone for your opinions and advice.

I am definitely not going to bring my Dad into this, I''m pretty sure he is sick of dealing with my mother, and I don''t think he wants to see the inside of a courtroom for the rest of his life...im sure if he had known what my mother was going to be like after the divorce, he may have not made the same gesture with the ring in the first place.

I am by no means going to fight with my mom over the diamond, that is not the kind of person I am...we''ve got a great relationship as I said...which is why this whole situation with her original engagement ring/my wedding has me angry...why would she do something she knew would upset me? I''m her daughter!

EM...our families are very much alike(my mothers family is from Brooklyn as well, I make trips there from Jersey as much as I can, mainly for the food!) People just do some really terrible things, and I have never understood why. So sorry things are like that with your Dad. I''ve always believed that people come to grips with what they''ve done eventually and try to make it better, even though its usually too late for an I''m sorry. My aunt has always said my brother and I were the strongest kids she''s ever met, which is why we are the way we are now!

I am going to try to figure out what the best way to approach her is....its a part of my history, i guess that is why it means something to me.

I have been doing a ton of stuff wedding wise to try and keep my mind off of everything, and I''ve been very productive, however it is still in the back of my mind! If I don''t get to wear the stone/ring on my wedding day, will it ruin my day? No, but it was something I was really looking forward to incorporating in my wedding.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 9/2/2009 6:37:06 PM
Author:Nov2109
Here''s the story, apologies in advance if I go on a tangent.

My parents divorced about 13 years ago.... My mother received a beautiful .75ct round from my Dad for her engagement ring...which she kept. I had asked her when I was about 15 if we could incorporate the ring/stone in my wedding...she said yes. Not too long before I graduated from college my mom had mentioned the stone(which was last year) and said she was going to go get it cleaned and appraised. I got very upset because I thought she was selling it...she then said she was thinking about having it set as a pendant for my college graduation gift...needless to say I was so happy...and what an awesome graduation gift! Although my parents marriage ended-the symbol of that ring/stone still means a lot to me. My mom then decided to announce two weeks before my fiance was proposing(which she knew, he asked both parents permission) that she was going to marry her long time boyfriend(whom I dislike, very much)...she was married two weeks after my engagement. I sucked it up and was there for my mom..because well...shes my mom. I noticed she had a beautiful necklace on at her wedding. I asked about it and she kind of ignored my question.(thankfully she did not wear white..i told her it would be a little obvious she was not ''pure'' when you have two children and an ex-husband)

She had the stone from my dad set in a necklace for herself...to wear at HER second wedding...(i cant tell you how much fun it was to hear, oh so your next at my moms wedding-it took everything out of me to say no...not next-SHE ALREADY HAD A 200 person wedding..this is not a real wedding!) I wear white gold or platinum...i have never liked yellow gold(which she knows), and thats what she set it in. I went from being ecstatic that my mom was going to give me the stone to wear on my wedding day...and now it appears I''ll never get it...and even if she offered it to me for the day, it would not go with any other jewelery I was planning on wearing...including my engagement ring!

Should I be upset? My aunt(her sister) is more like a friend to me than an aunt, and I told her how upset I was about this. She offered to let me go through her jewelery and pick out something ''borrowed'' shes got beautiful jewelery...but its still not the same, my mothers stone really means alot to me...and I feel as if she has been really selfish in regards to my wedding(you know its only the most important day of my life..but thats a story for another day, for one-my aunt also had to go dress shopping with me at one point because my mom was too busy being a newlywed)

You sound like a real peach of a daughter. Be sure and come back to post here when you grow up.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 9/4/2009 11:58:16 AM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 9/2/2009 6:37:06 PM
Author:Nov2109
Here''s the story, apologies in advance if I go on a tangent.

My parents divorced about 13 years ago.... My mother received a beautiful .75ct round from my Dad for her engagement ring...which she kept. I had asked her when I was about 15 if we could incorporate the ring/stone in my wedding...she said yes. Not too long before I graduated from college my mom had mentioned the stone(which was last year) and said she was going to go get it cleaned and appraised. I got very upset because I thought she was selling it...she then said she was thinking about having it set as a pendant for my college graduation gift...needless to say I was so happy...and what an awesome graduation gift! Although my parents marriage ended-the symbol of that ring/stone still means a lot to me. My mom then decided to announce two weeks before my fiance was proposing(which she knew, he asked both parents permission) that she was going to marry her long time boyfriend(whom I dislike, very much)...she was married two weeks after my engagement. I sucked it up and was there for my mom..because well...shes my mom. I noticed she had a beautiful necklace on at her wedding. I asked about it and she kind of ignored my question.(thankfully she did not wear white..i told her it would be a little obvious she was not ''pure'' when you have two children and an ex-husband)

She had the stone from my dad set in a necklace for herself...to wear at HER second wedding...(i cant tell you how much fun it was to hear, oh so your next at my moms wedding-it took everything out of me to say no...not next-SHE ALREADY HAD A 200 person wedding..this is not a real wedding!) I wear white gold or platinum...i have never liked yellow gold(which she knows), and thats what she set it in. I went from being ecstatic that my mom was going to give me the stone to wear on my wedding day...and now it appears I''ll never get it...and even if she offered it to me for the day, it would not go with any other jewelery I was planning on wearing...including my engagement ring!

Should I be upset? My aunt(her sister) is more like a friend to me than an aunt, and I told her how upset I was about this. She offered to let me go through her jewelery and pick out something ''borrowed'' shes got beautiful jewelery...but its still not the same, my mothers stone really means alot to me...and I feel as if she has been really selfish in regards to my wedding(you know its only the most important day of my life..but thats a story for another day, for one-my aunt also had to go dress shopping with me at one point because my mom was too busy being a newlywed)

You sound like a real peach of a daughter. Be sure and come back to post here when you grow up.

Did you read Nov''s other posts?

Under other circumstances I would have thought similar things however the other posts she made explain more of the situation. I agree the comments that you highlighted are immature but I think that is just a vent on the stituation. I happen to understand why in this case.

 

[purrfectpear]

Certainly I read the entire thread. Regardless of whether she approves of her mother''s choices in life, they do not justify her immaturity in thinking it is all about HER.

She was miffed that her mom got engaged and made nasty comments about that as though it was done just to irritate her.
She was miffed that her mom had an actual wedding and made nasty comments about that too.
She was miffed that her mom set the diamond in a color of gold that wouldn''t match HER choice and made nasty comments about that.
She was miffed that an agreement between her mom and her dad wasn''t honored as though that was HER business.

She is all about HER. I got that loud and clear.

The fact is that her mom''s choices in the past, and more recently are her mom''s business and any legal issues regarding the diamond are between her mom and her natural dad.

Her posts scream immaturity and self absorbtion.

 

[Nov2109]

First of all, Purfectpear-your reaction to my situation is completely uncalled for....and for me to point someone out, when some not-so-nice things have been said on here originially regarding my first post, which-for some reason was the only post you commented on-probably means you crossed the line. when I joined this forum, I thought of it as a place where people can go and talk to eachother- People seek advice when they are looking for an unbaised opinion as most people in my family usually agree with me on things regarding my mother, as she has done some really terrible things to myself and my brother over the years, that I wish to not get into. I have always thought the people posting on this forum are level-headed and considerate people, who come from many different walks of life, therefore the opinions and advice will vary and you can take bits and pieces from each person, enabling you to make a good decision-whether it is regarding your dress, your wedding, your parents, whatever.

In my original post, it was made clear that I did not give enough information regarding the background of my family history, and the ring itself and why I was upset- I was trying to keep it short, which left out some very important details-which also made me look like a spoiled and ungrateful brat. So i decided to give a little background...

This really has nothing to do with ME. It has everything to do with lies, decite, disrespect and dissappointment.

Maybe you should re-read the post, as I have stated several times, my original post did not contain enough information as to why I said the things I said.

Maybe you have never said anything out of anger or emotion-which being human, I highly doubt.

You should also never tell someone to leave who is seeking opinions/advice and not looking to be bashed. That is just flat out rude.

This is supposed to be a positive place, if you disagree with me, you can say it in a nicer way.

If you''re having a bad day, don''t come on here and offend and disrespect other people. Everyone is aloud to be upset about something, even if you PERSONALLY think its ridiculous, because you are not feeling what they are feeling.

 

[summertime]

Date: 9/4/2009 11:58:16 AM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 9/2/2009 6:37:06 PM
Author:Nov2109
Here's the story, apologies in advance if I go on a tangent.

My parents divorced about 13 years ago.... My mother received a beautiful .75ct round from my Dad for her engagement ring...which she kept. I had asked her when I was about 15 if we could incorporate the ring/stone in my wedding...she said yes. Not too long before I graduated from college my mom had mentioned the stone(which was last year) and said she was going to go get it cleaned and appraised. I got very upset because I thought she was selling it...she then said she was thinking about having it set as a pendant for my college graduation gift...needless to say I was so happy...and what an awesome graduation gift! Although my parents marriage ended-the symbol of that ring/stone still means a lot to me. My mom then decided to announce two weeks before my fiance was proposing(which she knew, he asked both parents permission) that she was going to marry her long time boyfriend(whom I dislike, very much)...she was married two weeks after my engagement. I sucked it up and was there for my mom..because well...shes my mom. I noticed she had a beautiful necklace on at her wedding. I asked about it and she kind of ignored my question.(thankfully she did not wear white..i told her it would be a little obvious she was not 'pure' when you have two children and an ex-husband)

She had the stone from my dad set in a necklace for herself...to wear at HER second wedding...(i cant tell you how much fun it was to hear, oh so your next at my moms wedding-it took everything out of me to say no...not next-SHE ALREADY HAD A 200 person wedding..this is not a real wedding!) I wear white gold or platinum...i have never liked yellow gold(which she knows), and thats what she set it in. I went from being ecstatic that my mom was going to give me the stone to wear on my wedding day...and now it appears I'll never get it...and even if she offered it to me for the day, it would not go with any other jewelery I was planning on wearing...including my engagement ring!

Should I be upset? My aunt(her sister) is more like a friend to me than an aunt, and I told her how upset I was about this. She offered to let me go through her jewelery and pick out something 'borrowed' shes got beautiful jewelery...but its still not the same, my mothers stone really means alot to me...and I feel as if she has been really selfish in regards to my wedding(you know its only the most important day of my life..but thats a story for another day, for one-my aunt also had to go dress shopping with me at one point because my mom was too busy being a newlywed)

You sound like a real peach of a daughter. Be sure and come back to post here when you grow up.

This sounds very, very snide and condescending, purrfectpear. I understand we are all free to form our own opinions, but what was the purpose of this comment? It can hardly be called constructive criticism. In my opinion, comments like these really detract from the normally positive ambience of PS.

 

[minx714]

Nov, I don''t post a lot on this forum, and after reading this tread I thought I should just stay out of it, but I had to post a message to you. I really think a lot of peoples comments were unnecessarily rude and hurtful. You were venting and a lot of times, people say things in the heat of their emotions. I get that. I also think that somehow everyone got on a tangent about the diamond, and the legality of it all. It seems to me that that wasn''t the intent behind your posting.

To me it did sound like your mom was being selfish and hurtful. While I didn''t agree with everything in your original post, we all say things that come out harsher than we felt. I do think you have a right to be hurt, after talking with her about your desires and excitement over your engagement and graduation. Your mom went ahead and completely disregarded them. She obviously had plenty of time to marry the guy, why did she pick a date right after finding out about yours? With everything else you''ve said regarding this it really sound like she is a drama queen that is intent on everything revolving around her, hence the affair, the ugly divorce, the reneging on the promises made to you. I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with a woman like this. I''m am glad that you have a good relationship with her. I don''t remember who posted the message, but maybe you do need to lower your expectations of her. And I agree, seeing what everyone has posted doesn''t make me want to come back here.... Sadly there isn''t much you can do to change the way your mom is treating you however. Take the love offered to you by your aunt. She sounds like a lovely woman. Just know that you are not alone in the world and that there is always DRAMA that surrounds weddings. Although I really wish it was that way. Hugs to you.

-Minx

 

[tlh]

If you don''t want to get your father involved, and you haven''t actually seen or read the divorce settlement - then I''d just let it be. Seriously forget about it. You got your vent out. Don''t let this eat you alive. If the settlement did indeed leave it to your father, it is his, not yours... and he could sell it if he wanted... but he didn''t. He left it with your mother... she''s reset it. Seriously, you were 15 when these things were said to you... perhaps that is what they intended, but it was never written in the settlement. Who knows.

Probably the reason for such the backlash is the VENOM in your posts. It is really unhealthy, and is not good for you. THey''ve been divorced for 13 years, and the pain is still fresh.. I can feel it... and it makes me sad for you. These wounds are still fresh for you.. and all this emotion is tied up in a piece of jewelry. You said you are not involving your father... so let it go. Unless you are willing to visit her and riffle through her jewelry box and take it... just let it go.

There is a lot of hate and ANGEr in you directed at your mother and her new husband. Find room in your heart to forgive. House cat hit the nail on the head. The only person suffereing here.. is you. I read the engagement story and joy the ring your fiancee gave you. Just focus on that. He sounds like a wonderful man who brings you joy and happiness. But just let the misery surrounding your mother''s choices go. 13 years is a long time to carry that burden... and you were so young when that happened. 15! My goodness, how hard that must have been for you. I hope that you can find peace.... and I wish you the best...

and about the ring/now yellow gold necklace - I''m sorry. That is hard.

 

[emeraldlover1]

Date: 9/4/2009 1:40:24 PM
Author: minx714
Nov, I don''t post a lot on this forum, and after reading this tread I thought I should just stay out of it, but I had to post a message to you. I really think a lot of peoples comments were unnecessarily rude and hurtful. You were venting and a lot of times, people say things in the heat of their emotions. I get that. I also think that somehow everyone got on a tangent about the diamond, and the legality of it all. It seems to me that that wasn''t the intent behind your posting.

To me it did sound like your mom was being selfish and hurtful. While I didn''t agree with everything in your original post, we all say things that come out harsher than we felt. I do think you have a right to be hurt, after talking with her about your desires and excitement over your engagement and graduation. Your mom went ahead and completely disregarded them. She obviously had plenty of time to marry the guy, why did she pick a date right after finding out about yours? With everything else you''ve said regarding this it really sound like she is a drama queen that is intent on everything revolving around her, hence the affair, the ugly divorce, the reneging on the promises made to you. I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with a woman like this. I''m am glad that you have a good relationship with her. I don''t remember who posted the message, but maybe you do need to lower your expectations of her. And I agree, seeing what everyone has posted doesn''t make me want to come back here.... Sadly there isn''t much you can do to change the way your mom is treating you however. Take the love offered to you by your aunt. She sounds like a lovely woman. Just know that you are not alone in the world and that there is always DRAMA that surrounds weddings. Although I really wish it was that way. Hugs to you.

-Minx

Really??? Everyone? That is a little offensive.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 9/4/2009 2:26:37 PM
Author: emeraldlover1

Date: 9/4/2009 1:40:24 PM

Author: minx714

Nov, I don''t post a lot on this forum, and after reading this tread I thought I should just stay out of it, but I had to post a message to you. I really think a lot of peoples comments were unnecessarily rude and hurtful. You were venting and a lot of times, people say things in the heat of their emotions. I get that. I also think that somehow everyone got on a tangent about the diamond, and the legality of it all. It seems to me that that wasn''t the intent behind your posting.

To me it did sound like your mom was being selfish and hurtful. While I didn''t agree with everything in your original post, we all say things that come out harsher than we felt. I do think you have a right to be hurt, after talking with her about your desires and excitement over your engagement and graduation. Your mom went ahead and completely disregarded them. She obviously had plenty of time to marry the guy, why did she pick a date right after finding out about yours? With everything else you''ve said regarding this it really sound like she is a drama queen that is intent on everything revolving around her, hence the affair, the ugly divorce, the reneging on the promises made to you. I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with a woman like this. I''m am glad that you have a good relationship with her. I don''t remember who posted the message, but maybe you do need to lower your expectations of her. And I agree, seeing what everyone has posted doesn''t make me want to come back here.... Sadly there isn''t much you can do to change the way your mom is treating you however. Take the love offered to you by your aunt. She sounds like a lovely woman. Just know that you are not alone in the world and that there is always DRAMA that surrounds weddings. Although I really wish it was that way. Hugs to you.

-Minx

Really??? Everyone? That is a little offensive.

+1 to emeraldlover. I don''t think "everyone" posted nasty or mean things - many people have posted words of support, especially after the later posts with clarifications. Just because some people have been really offensive doesn''t mean "everyone" has.

 

[Nov2109]

hm. This topic has really started to spiral out of control...and thats not good.

this is supposed to be a positive place and there are more people who are here to be supportive than not!

EM, you are right, my original post was more of a vent, and I left out several facts. I did go back and explain myself that should have cleared a lot up. If you still have the same opinion after my explanations-then that is fine, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Minx-you hit it on the head. This really had nothing to do about the diamond, if it was an old sock(im sure you would have all thought I was crazy that I wanted an old sock) but, I would still want the dingy old sock. It doesnt matter what the object I cherished was, it was the fact that it is important to me, and my mother has been deceitful about the entire thing.

I got over along time ago, when I was 10 years old(thats when they divorced) of expecting anything from my mother. She moved her boyfriend into our home two weeks after my dad moved out. My brother and I told my mother we were not comfortable with it and we had to leave(not him)...my father raised us. Someone said she put her life on hold in one of the posts, and she did not.

I think after reading this post...with many posts that were on the harsher side-Minx may have gotten a bad taste as PS is usually a positive place and people tend to group people together when that is not their intention. I can say, I have never seen so many negative posts about a person rather than the topic itself. People describe some pretty ugly situations with their weddings, that I may not agree with-and there are right ways to go about voicing your opinion. Maybe it was a full moon last night? who knows.

There were several people who did understand why I was upset, regardless of the legalities and what I said in my original post because they did read my explanations...and those who did not agree-but kept it simple and explained why they did not agree. Those are the reasons why I come here...

And for the last time I will say-there is no relationship that needs to be salvaged between myself and my mother-we are fine.

Hopefully no one else will offend anyone else regarding this topic...because PS is a good place to get ideas, support and vent to others...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Nov, when I saw the drama explode I wanted to stay out of it...but then I reconsidered, and wanted to address you...

I am almost certain that everyone has, at one time or another, been the subject of the day--and not always in a good way. Recently I was hung out to dry, and it doesn't feel good--I know that. But, you have to own some responsibility in putting yourself out there to begin with. This is, after all, a very public form with people posting here from multiple walks of life--some are grade-A sugar coaters and others are bit more blunt. You're never going to get 100% of the people on your side with a heated, emotional post...and while it may be a hard thing to hear and deal with on your end, it also forces you to look beyond your "gut reaction" to your personal situation. I know you're upset...I can't imagine how it must feel to already feel so badly and then be kicked by the people you turned to for comfort.

Now, with that said, I hate when people intentionally "talk down" to someone in an attempt to "advise them"...it makes me sick actually. I think there is absolutely no reason to berate and belittle someone when you know they are emotionally reeling. Nov, for you to walk away from PS right now would give them way more power then they deserve. Don't do it. I understand that sometime our situations seem really cut and dry when we're the one dealing with the issue--and sometimes we need tough love to really move forward...but what was said to you by some of the posters was flat out awful. And I for one apologize if anything was said by anyone that hurt you--it shouldn't be like that.

And...for everyone who took this opportunity to be unkind to her...shame on you. I am not saying you're not right in your train of thought, and I'm not even saying you're not justified in think what you do...but come on. Must we always, always resort to name calling? This girl is hurting over there...and she came here for a little advice and to vent...I understand she opened herself up to whatever may come her way...but must we always tear someone down under the pretense of building them up? Is it so hard to put a kinder spin on things for the sake of someones feelings? Would you say that to a IRL friend? Would you want your sister or daughter or best frined being spoken to that way? I mean really, it doesn't take talent to be mean to someone.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I definitely think it''s odd that your mother wants to keep the diamond your dad gave her after she blatantly cheated on him... I also find it odd that she promised you the diamond and didn''t give it to you in the end... I mean, it''s OK she changed her mind but she should have had the decency to tell you she changed her mind and why - as opposed to showing up one day wearing it. I think you have a right to feel bitter about her and her bf''s marriage considering the circumstances... I also think that considering all the drama surrounding this one diamond, you should just let it go. I understand it means something to you, but it''s just not worth this whole mess... Life is too short to worry about such things, and at the end of the day, it still is just a material object. Whatever memories the diamond reminds you of, keep those memories in your heart.

 

[risingsun]

As I understand your situation, your father is the owner of the diamond and entrusted it to your mother to give you at an appropriate time in your life. Instead your mother claimed it as her own and wore it to her wedding with her long time boyfriend. She never informed you of her intentions and caught you off guard. Your mother, IMHO, did not follow through with your father's wishes and hurt your feelings. This was an important symbol to you and you wanted to wear this diamond at your own wedding. You say that you have a great relationship with your mother, yet your posts do reflect a significant amount of anger towards her, her husband, her wedding, as well as what she did with the diamond. This is the part of the circumstances that confuse me. If you and your mother have a good relatonship, can you not speak with her openly about the diamond and attempt to resolve this and other issues. From a professional perspective, do you think that talking with someone about your feelings toward your mother's marriage and her past behavior with your dad would be helpful to you? I'm not saying this as a criticism. Were I in your situation, it is something I would need and choose to do. I wish you well and I hope you will be able to move on from this place and time in your llfe.