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Wedding Am I being a Bridezilla?

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Morgie44

Morgie44

Brilliant_Rock
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For some reason family drama seems to follow me this year....

FI and I have had our date set since this April (8/29/09) My cousin just got engaged about a month ago. Right after the news was spread, my aunt emailed my mom to confirm when our date was again (she said she lost her calendar and needed to update. Strange coincidence but ok) She also mentioned that my cousin''s wedding would likely be in June or July of this year, but they were a little concerned that I would be upset that they were getting married before me. Not a big deal my mom said. Well... they have announced their date... and it''s 8/15/09. 2 weeks before ours!! and I am PISSED!

I have tried to be laid back and flexible throughout this wedding process and it definitely didn''t bother me that they would be married before us (similar thing is happening on FI''s side too.) Not a big deal to me at all. I get the whole "it''s one day I don''t own a month, season, quarter, or year deal, but 2 weeks is extremely close for 2 first cousins to be married IMO.

Am I out of line? Please put me in my place if I am but I am really peeved and sad about this...
 
I agree that it''s totally annoying. However, I would ask, is there family coming in from OOT who will have to choose whose wedding to come to since they are so close together? If not, then I would try as hard as you could to just let it go.

One of DH''s groomsmen, who got engaged after us, set a date that was 2 weeks before our wedding. At first I felt really upset about it, but in the end, it was nice to see our friends so soon after their wedding, and in all honesty, it was a lot better to have our wedding AFTER theirs than before...I know this sounds mean, but I was afraid that they would steal our thunder, but instead I kinda think since ours was later, it stayed with people longer.
 
If you have family all over the country/state, then no you are not out of line.

This is not only putting you in an akward situation... but for OOT relatives, she is now making them choose which wedding they would rather go to. For family purposes, this is not good news at all.

If everyone lives in the same area, then this shouldn''t be a problem. I''m sorry I don''t have any advice, but best of luck. What did your mom say when she found out?
 
Morgie, I assume you are peeved and sad because it means not everyone will be able to go to both of your weddings. Am I right? Relatives who have to come in from out of town and all that?

If that''s the case, I think you have every right to feel put out. This also puts your relatives in the extremely awkward situation of having to choose which of the two wedding to attend.

If everyone is local and won''t have to travel to attend the weddings, I don''t think its as much of an issue, but still kind of an "in your face" action by your cousin. On the other hand, this may have been the only date that worked for them....
 
It is a cousin on my mom''s side, which is huge about 40% of our guest list willl overlap with theirs. We have a fair amount of OOT family that would be common for both, though our wedding (and theirs) are both going to be far enough away that even in town people were considering getting hotel rooms for ours. Plus a lot of our family is really hurting in this economy so finances to come to two in-town weddings is already tight. I don''t know I guess I just feel sort of disrespected or pushed aside... Shouldn''t they have at least mentioned something to me about it? Like hey just so you know...
 
Just my opinion... but for family, I would conisder 2 weeks to be way too close. Does your mom have an opinion?

ETA: This isn't a bridezilla issue, this is going to be a strife on your entire family that would normally be attending both weddings. If you decide to talk to her about it, then maybe you could present the problem it like that.
 
I agree with meresal...It''s not a bridezilla issue and it IS going to put a lot of pressure on family members. It''s a hard thing to bring up WITHOUT sounding out of line, but what does your mom say? I have no advice but good luck and I hope things work out!
 
If many guests are coming from OOT for both weddings it does put them in an unfortunate situation financially and emotionally.

I hate to say this, but I would get my Save the Dates out ASAP so that people put your wedding on their calendar first.
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Mind you I only say this because they apparently did not think of you at all when setting their date, in most situations I wouldn''t recommend this!
 
Date: 10/20/2008 6:22:33 PM
Author: neatfreak
If many guests are coming from OOT for both weddings it does put them in an unfortunate situation financially and emotionally.

I hate to say this, but I would get my Save the Dates out ASAP so that people put your wedding on their calendar first.
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Mind you I only say this because they apparently did not think of you at all when setting their date, in most situations I wouldn''t recommend this!
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I second neatfreak! I don''t think you''re being a Bridezilla at all! With all things considered it was extrememly rude of them to schedule their wedding day so close to yours.
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Honestly, I don''t see what the issue is, I suppose. I''m not trying to be rude or belittle your special day, but it is just a day.

If it helps, I have a similar story: my husband''s best friend and his wife got engaged about two months before we did. We both wanted a summer 08 wedding, but I''m a teacher and only had a slight window in which to get married and have a honeymoon...and seeing as DH''s best friend was a member of his groomsmen, we had to plan both weddings close enough together that I wouldn''t miss any school and they''d be back from their honeymoon in time for our wedding.

So needless to say, we got married within two weeks of each other, and neither myself nor the other bride felt like the close dates detracted from the two weddings. We both felt recognized on our own and excited for the other, and it worked out really well.

So you really shouldn''t get too upset about your cousin''s wedding being so close to yours. People recognize that there are two separate events, and it might work out better for some this way, in terms of traveling, arranging, ect...

Besides, your day is still YOUR day :)
 
It wouldn''t bother *me* but I can see how you would be concerned people wouldn''t be able to make it to your wedding after traveling to your cousin''s. Not much you can do unless you are willing to move your date.
 
Sorry, but I think you''re slightly out of line...sadly.

My DH''s cousin married 7/7/07...and I married my DH on 7/21/07...two weeks later. Their wedding was in Buffalo NY, and ours was in Chicago IL...my DH''s family traveled to my wedding--and although some lived locally for his cousins wedding, others traveled there as well.

It was actually fun. We sent each other little gifts throughout the planning process like a good bridal book, or bedding, or gift certificates and bounced ideas off each other all the time. M & D actually flew home from their honeymoon early to make it our wedding, and we of course went to theirs.

In the end, we chose to make it fun and bonding instead of catty and competative.

It''s all in how you look at things...
 
Date: 10/20/2008 8:07:20 PM
Author: DearBuddha
Honestly, I don''t see what the issue is, I suppose. I''m not trying to be rude or belittle your special day, but it is just a day.


If it helps, I have a similar story: my husband''s best friend and his wife got engaged about two months before we did. We both wanted a summer 08 wedding, but I''m a teacher and only had a slight window in which to get married and have a honeymoon...and seeing as DH''s best friend was a member of his groomsmen, we had to plan both weddings close enough together that I wouldn''t miss any school and they''d be back from their honeymoon in time for our wedding.


So needless to say, we got married within two weeks of each other, and neither myself nor the other bride felt like the close dates detracted from the two weddings. We both felt recognized on our own and excited for the other, and it worked out really well.


So you really shouldn''t get too upset about your cousin''s wedding being so close to yours. People recognize that there are two separate events, and it might work out better for some this way, in terms of traveling, arranging, ect...


Besides, your day is still YOUR day :)
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I think this is a different situation because as the OP says 40% of the guest list will overlap and most are from out of town...AND the aunt asked when their date was so they could steer clear. It just puts a burden on OOT guests to travel twice within a few weeks of each other OR to choose which wedding to go to.
 
I agree w/ most of the posters. If I were invited to 2 family weddings that were that close together and I didn''t live in either city, I would be kind of annoyed that both families hadn''t coordinated better as I would feel like I''d either have to shell out a lot of money to make 2 trips (not likely) or have to choose one to attend and miss the other.

Even if they set their date to be a WEEK apart, that would have been maybe a little more convenient...but 2 weeks is too far apart for OOT guests to stay and wait out the 2nd wedding.
 
I think it sucks only if you have guests coming from far away that might want to try to be at both. Timing and finances make it tough and it might be a stretch for them to attend BOTH. That can get sticky. I feel for you.
 
I agree with neatfreak. Try to send your Save the Dates first if you want people to go to yours rather than your cousins. But chances are everyone will have to make a choice if they live out of town. And try not to take it personally. It doesnt mean they love you less or are less happy for you.

In all honesty... your wedding day is going to be so busy, so hectic, that you will probably get a much better chance to visit with people at your cousins wedding more than you will at your own! Also, you get the "last wedding", and all the time at your cousins people will be saying to you "You''re next!"

Unfortunately financially many people might not be able to travel out for both... but in the end they will all be able to see you close to the time of your wedding and they will all be happy for you.

I would be annoyed too... but if you want to look at one bright side it may save you money at the reception... Weddings are so expensive... (not to sound materialistic).

Congrats by the way!!!
 
Date: 10/20/2008 8:07:20 PM
Author: DearBuddha
Honestly, I don''t see what the issue is, I suppose. I''m not trying to be rude or belittle your special day, but it is just a day.

If it helps, I have a similar story: my husband''s best friend and his wife got engaged about two months before we did. We both wanted a summer 08 wedding, but I''m a teacher and only had a slight window in which to get married and have a honeymoon...and seeing as DH''s best friend was a member of his groomsmen, we had to plan both weddings close enough together that I wouldn''t miss any school and they''d be back from their honeymoon in time for our wedding.

So needless to say, we got married within two weeks of each other, and neither myself nor the other bride felt like the close dates detracted from the two weddings. We both felt recognized on our own and excited for the other, and it worked out really well.

So you really shouldn''t get too upset about your cousin''s wedding being so close to yours. People recognize that there are two separate events, and it might work out better for some this way, in terms of traveling, arranging, ect...

Besides, your day is still YOUR day :)
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Yes, but would you have intentionally chosen a date that close if you had a more flexible work schedule? I think if it were a friend, it would upset me less than family, becuase their are much fewer overlapping guests. I feel like they are being inconsiderate to not even mention it to us (thought they were quick to share with us their original date) so that we have to find out second hand. It just seems like they knew that it would cause drama...

I know that it is stupid and bratty, but I guess I feel like our whole lives, I''ve always kind of faded into the woodwork and am constantly getting forgotten while my cousin was the kind of the favorite and the wedding was my one chance for us to have the spotlight on me and now that is gone too, because the family will be focused on them leading all the way up to the wedding and ours will just get lost in the shuffle. For example the bridal shower, which, traditionally, my aunt (mother of the cousin getting married) hosts the shower for all of my cousins'' weddings/babies so it will either be shared or mine will be forgotten altogether. I only get one chance to have a bridal shower, is it too much to ask that I not have to share the spotlight?
 
Date: 10/20/2008 9:33:14 PM
Author: amyjokerette
I agree with neatfreak. Try to send your Save the Dates first if you want people to go to yours rather than your cousins. But chances are everyone will have to make a choice if they live out of town. And try not to take it personally. It doesnt mean they love you less or are less happy for you.

In all honesty... your wedding day is going to be so busy, so hectic, that you will probably get a much better chance to visit with people at your cousins wedding more than you will at your own! Also, you get the ''last wedding'', and all the time at your cousins people will be saying to you ''You''re next!''

Unfortunately financially many people might not be able to travel out for both... but in the end they will all be able to see you close to the time of your wedding and they will all be happy for you.

I would be annoyed too... but if you want to look at one bright side it may save you money at the reception... Weddings are so expensive... (not to sound materialistic).

Congrats by the way!!!
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Actually, we are in the middle, because my other cousin is 6 weeks after us!
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Though that definitely doesn''t bother me, that is plenty of time but does kind of compound the ''stuck in the middle'' syndrom I have among my cousins. I know there is nothing I can do, but I feel like I am getting shortchanged a bit...
 
Date: 10/20/2008 9:43:09 PM
Author: Morgie44

Date: 10/20/2008 8:07:20 PM
Author: DearBuddha
Honestly, I don''t see what the issue is, I suppose. I''m not trying to be rude or belittle your special day, but it is just a day.

If it helps, I have a similar story: my husband''s best friend and his wife got engaged about two months before we did. We both wanted a summer 08 wedding, but I''m a teacher and only had a slight window in which to get married and have a honeymoon...and seeing as DH''s best friend was a member of his groomsmen, we had to plan both weddings close enough together that I wouldn''t miss any school and they''d be back from their honeymoon in time for our wedding.

So needless to say, we got married within two weeks of each other, and neither myself nor the other bride felt like the close dates detracted from the two weddings. We both felt recognized on our own and excited for the other, and it worked out really well.

So you really shouldn''t get too upset about your cousin''s wedding being so close to yours. People recognize that there are two separate events, and it might work out better for some this way, in terms of traveling, arranging, ect...

Besides, your day is still YOUR day :)
Click to expand...

Yes, but would you have intentionally chosen a date that close if you had a more flexible work schedule? I think if it were a friend, it would upset me less than family, becuase their are much fewer overlapping guests. I feel like they are being inconsiderate to not even mention it to us (thought they were quick to share with us their original date) so that we have to find out second hand. It just seems like they knew that it would cause drama...

I know that it is stupid and bratty, but I guess I feel like our whole lives, I''ve always kind of faded into the woodwork and am constantly getting forgotten while my cousin was the kind of the favorite and the wedding was my one chance for us to have the spotlight on me and now that is gone too, because the family will be focused on them leading all the way up to the wedding and ours will just get lost in the shuffle. For example the bridal shower, which, traditionally, my aunt (mother of the cousin getting married) hosts the shower for all of my cousins'' weddings/babies so it will either be shared or mine will be forgotten altogether. I only get one chance to have a bridal shower, is it too much to ask that I not have to share the spotlight?
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Well then wouldn''t your mother host hers and her mother host yours?

You''re getting worked up over a lot of "what if''s"...I''d relax until it becomes a problem...until then, nothing certain.
 
Date: 10/20/2008 9:49:39 PM
Author: Morgie44
Date:
Actually, we are in the middle, because my other cousin is 6 weeks after us!
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Though that definitely doesn't bother me, that is plenty of time but does kind of compound the 'stuck in the middle' syndrom I have among my cousins. I know there is nothing I can do, but I feel like I am getting shortchanged a bit...
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Didn't realize you were in the middle of two cousins... that does make it even more frustrating. I'm sorry that you feel like you won't be in the spotlight but I assure you that on your special days like the bridal shower, bachelorette, and your wedding you will be. All that time in between is not in everyones mind as much as it is in yours. At this point just be as gracious and mature as you can be since there is not alot that can be done about it.

Trust me, other relatives will notice the timing and hopefully they will think how wonderfully you handle the situation.

First and foremost... don't let it spoil your big day and the time leading up to it. Make sure to have special moments for you, and allow your cousin to have special moments for her. And then there are other moments that you may share together.

Don't forget the most important part... YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!! yippee!
 
I just do not see anyone, especially if the economy continues to be bad, being able to go out of town to three weddings inside of two months. It is just not likely. People will have to chose. Maybe some will manage all three but I doubt it.

For that reason I think she is not being fair to you or your extended family, knowing this information as I am sure she did.
 
Is everything set in stone for you or can you move your date? If it''s not set in stone I would move it to June or July so everyone might be able to go to both.

I do think it''s out of line for her to set a date 2 weeks before your wedding when the guest list will be 40% the same. Plus, it''s not just stealing your thunder, it''s putting your entire family in a tough position deciding which wedding to go to.
 
A similar thing happened to me. DH and I set our date about 22 months before our day. About 9 months before our wedding my cousin set her date 2 weeks before mine. We are from a large family and most people drove 30-60 min to each of our sites. When I heard my cousin was considering setting her wedding in July, I asked her to please not choose the same day, but I otherwise didn't care.

I can't think of any family members that complained about the inconvenience. (ETA - at least they didn't complain TO us!) I also can't think of people who chose one wedding over the other who didn't already have a conflict with one of the days. Wait, actually, one relative did, but he doesn't live in the US and he is MUCH closer to my cousin - so I wasn't bothered.

Honestly, I appreciated having a wedding so soon before mine. I was able to mentally check off my lists and was reminded of little details I needed to check on. It was really convenient watching a ceremony and reception unfold! To be frank I even think I received some extra attention because tons of relatives sought me out and said things like: "We'll see you in two weeks!" and "We can't wait for your wedding."

Having lived through it, I can say the situation is just one of those things that initially sounds more annoying than it is.

As for the Aunt/shower thing, I would suggest saying: "Since I'm sure you will be planning a shower for cousin, would it be more convenient for you if my bridal party threw mine?" That makes is clear that each bride should get a separate shower while letting her off the hook for planning two. You will also have a clear answer as to whether or not to expect one from your family.
 
Okay... I don''t know what to do - I kind of feel like I''m the vice versa of this situation. A friend of mine is pregnant and planning her wedding for Mid Oct. next year. I''m a bridesmaid in her wedding. My FF and I were planning on 2 weeks before that, but are now looking at maybe 3 weeks before. He has a friend getting married 2 weeks before our tentative date. I hate budging in on my friend and getting married so close to her wedding - but our calendars are already pretty booked with other weddings next year, and we don''t want a year long or more engagement. Going too much earlier cuts the planning time down drastically (I already feel it''s pretty short based on his proposal timeline), and pushing it much later puts us at risk of weather issues causing travel problems for his family. Am I a total bitch for bumping in like this?
 
Date: 10/20/2008 10:13:37 PM
Author: diamondfan
I just do not see anyone, especially if the economy continues to be bad, being able to go out of town to three weddings inside of two months. It is just not likely. People will have to chose. Maybe some will manage all three but I doubt it.

For that reason I think she is not being fair to you or your extended family, knowing this information as I am sure she did.
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You took the words right out of my mouth. And now I'm wondering what your other cousin has to say about her sister planning a wedding 2 months before hers. Plane tickets are sooooo expensive right now.

Morgie. I think this whole situation stinks. I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this. Aren't you sending your STD's out very soon though??? I would get online and send pre-STD's via email to family, just to get the word out, now! Have you shared with your extended family about the date and to have already made tenative plans to be traveling?

And I agree with others, a friends wedding within a few weeks is a completely different story than a family wedding within weeks. I am only speaking in terms of hassle/costs for OOT guests, of course. If everyone lived on the same block, this obviously wouldn't be a problem at all.


ETA: Maybe it's just me, but does anyone else feel sorry for the Aunt and Uncle to pay for 2 weddings inside the same year, much less 2 months?? *shutters
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* Not a parent, but if I was, I would assume that I would require that date to be pushed to the end of the year, or 2010. Is there any reason they had to have it in Spring/April of 2009?
 
Date: 10/21/2008 12:05:31 AM
Author: glitterazzi
Okay... I don''t know what to do - I kind of feel like I''m the vice versa of this situation. A friend of mine is pregnant and planning her wedding for Mid Oct. next year. I''m a bridesmaid in her wedding. My FF and I were planning on 2 weeks before that, but are now looking at maybe 3 weeks before. He has a friend getting married 2 weeks before our tentative date. I hate budging in on my friend and getting married so close to her wedding - but our calendars are already pretty booked with other weddings next year, and we don''t want a year long or more engagement. Going too much earlier cuts the planning time down drastically (I already feel it''s pretty short based on his proposal timeline), and pushing it much later puts us at risk of weather issues causing travel problems for his family. Am I a total bitch for bumping in like this?
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I don''t think the real issue here with Morgie is the closeness of the dates, more so that they will have lots of overlapping guests that will need to travel and have obvious out of the norm expenses to attent all of the weddings or have to choose which one(s) to attend. With the economy looking the way it is it''s not likely that the invited guests on her side will be able to make 3 weddings in that time frame. That''s the issue here. Correct me if I''m wrong though...

Glitterazzi, if you can swing/afford to have/attend three weddings so close together and it won''t inconvenience many of your guests then I''d so go for it!
21.gif
 
Date: 10/21/2008 12:05:31 AM
Author: glitterazzi
Okay... I don't know what to do - I kind of feel like I'm the vice versa of this situation. A friend of mine is pregnant and planning her wedding for Mid Oct. next year. I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding. My FF and I were planning on 2 weeks before that, but are now looking at maybe 3 weeks before. He has a friend getting married 2 weeks before our tentative date. I hate budging in on my friend and getting married so close to her wedding - but our calendars are already pretty booked with other weddings next year, and we don't want a year long or more engagement. Going too much earlier cuts the planning time down drastically (I already feel it's pretty short based on his proposal timeline), and pushing it much later puts us at risk of weather issues causing travel problems for his family. Am I a total bitch for bumping in like this?
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Have you thought about discussing it with her? I'm one to not step on anyone else's toes, and this would be the obvious way to find out if it will bother her.
I would present her with all the information you just shared with us. However, if she's not ok with it, then you will be forced to pick a different date or risk making a friend very upset.

I think 3 weeks is plenty of time, for a girlfriend, and 2 weeks is plenty of time for a guy friend. Do you all live in the same area?

ETA: We have 4 weddings in Oct/Nov of this year (2 down, and 2 to go!!). For guests, it's stressful and very pricey (between gifts, hotels, flights, and gas), but totally doable if you 1) have the income, and 2) budget correctly the enitre year leading up. I'll add, 3 of the 4 of these weddings are within driving distance, except for the DW in Cozumel that only I am going to, and FI will not be attending.
 
Thank you ladies for all your feedback, after sleeping on it, I am feeling a bit better, though I am still pretty peeved, there is nothing I can do but put on a happy face. We can''t move our date up or back... our venue only hosts weddings Memorial Day through Labor Day we chose the last weekend in August to allow for more time to save up, and the only other date available is August 8th (a week before their date) I did notice when I was checking the dates available online, 8/15 (their date) now says contract pending when last week it was available... I hope that this is a coincidence, but part of me worries it is not.

As for the showers who knows maybe they weren''t even planning on throwing one for me. I know that it wouldn''t be feasible for my bridal party to throw me one as they are all tight on money right now and none of them have homes they could host in so it would mean a more expensive undertaking than I''d be comfortable asking of them with all of them either in school, planning their own wedding, or both! If it comes down to that I would rather go without one.


Meresal - the three of us are actually from 3 seperate immediate families ( my mom is one of 4) so each family has one wedding, though I know for mine and my Oct cousin, we are footing our own bills. This does show how large of an overlap we are talking about though... my mom has 50 first cousins on her side! We are a huge family...
 
Date: 10/20/2008 8:07:20 PM
Author: DearBuddha
Honestly, I don''t see what the issue is, I suppose. I''m not trying to be rude or belittle your special day, but it is just a day.

If it helps, I have a similar story: my husband''s best friend and his wife got engaged about two months before we did. We both wanted a summer 08 wedding, but I''m a teacher and only had a slight window in which to get married and have a honeymoon...and seeing as DH''s best friend was a member of his groomsmen, we had to plan both weddings close enough together that I wouldn''t miss any school and they''d be back from their honeymoon in time for our wedding.

So needless to say, we got married within two weeks of each other, and neither myself nor the other bride felt like the close dates detracted from the two weddings. We both felt recognized on our own and excited for the other, and it worked out really well.

So you really shouldn''t get too upset about your cousin''s wedding being so close to yours. People recognize that there are two separate events, and it might work out better for some this way, in terms of traveling, arranging, ect...

Besides, your day is still YOUR day :)
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yes, it would still be HER day, but she is upset given the shape the economy is in.. their mutual family might have difficulty attending both weddings. it might be her wedding, but her wedding is special because of the family that ssurrounds her on that day.
 
Morgie
I''m glad you''re feeling better. I would have been upset too, but I''m sure that everything will turn out!
 
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