Aging parents and money

[azstonie]

There is a lot of knowledge and experience here. I'd be grateful to hear your experiences regarding elderly parents and handling their money for them.

Background:

My parents are 84 years old. Very good health. They live in a luxurious CCRC (continuing care retirement community) close by.

They have been cruel and abusive to me all my life (I'm an only child) and I have paid hard through the years for not cutting off all contact with them when any sane person would have. I've had a lot of therapy to help me with this and all of the therapists have advised me to cut contact for my own good and that of my marriage.

My parents and me and money, never good. They used it for control and so when I turned 18 I got a full scholarship to college and I never had a dime from them since. They are generous with others, just not me. They have told me all my life I will inherit nothing, which is okay, I believe they should enjoy their money the way they see fit. I've never asked them for a penny. My husband and I have never had assistance from them in any way, shape or form. They have felt free to demand money and other 'services' from us for decades. The last request was for $275k and it was suggested to me that I could easily get this for them if I would divorce my DH and obtain a settlement (they have excess of $1M in savings PLUS other pensions/assets?annuities). They wanted money, they just didn't want to use theirs.

Those are the kind of peeps my parents are.

So a year ago, my mom asked me to be ready to write checks, balance their checkbook, do taxes, basic financial scutwork, when she feels she is no longer interested in doing it or too incapacitated to do it (her parents lived into their mid-90s).

I don't want to do this. I told her I would require a financial power of attorney in order to be able to truly resolve the issues that the crazy ways of handling reality bring up. I also wanted the financial POA so if they pull one of their usual stunts my husband and I could not be sued. We finally have some assets and are looking at retirement in about 10 years and I don't want my parents destroying what we've worked very, very hard to put together.

So for the last year, my mom led me down the garden path re the financial POA: They completely understood why I would want that, blah blah, they just don't have the TIME to see an eldercare attorney. This past weekend, my mom said a final NO to a POA and said that my name would be put on the checking accounts and that would just do fine for her.

I researched money and the elderly. There are certified, insured services that handle administrative money functions for elderly or incapacitated or busy people. They handle bills, taxes, etc.

Anyone here gone this route or know of these?

 

[Tekate]

You don't have to do anything, they are not indigent. Advise them to set up automatic bill payments, tell them to have all their checks electronically deposited, it seems money is VERY important to these elderly people.. my inlaws had quite a stash but were unwilling to allow any of their 6 wonderful, independent children help.. so what happened? well my wonderful brotherinlaw had to go to court to gain access to their money since my father in law hadn't paid his assisted living bill for a year! and all the assisted living poshy, expensive place did was accrue a bill (plus huge interest for the year, haha.. The court has YET (over two years) to allow my brother in law to access his mothers (dad died last year) money without oversight from a court appointed team (of which my mother-n-law pays for of course).. hahaha on them, they are paying more to Fairfax county, all their cheapness, zero presents, this millions they saved is now going to the state, rich irony right . My father in law would receive yearly checks from his investments (close to 5K or 7K) of which my brotherinlaw found under a lamp in the living area of their assisted living home.. so now, all their cheapness and hard earned money is going to the state of VA.. they truly got what they deserved.. your parents sound worse.. as I said, I'd advise them on all the electronic means to ensure their bills are paid, taxes are done (if they have as much money as they sound, they definitely have an accountant and she/he can be set up to do their taxes electronically yearly). They should have someone overseeing all this BUT do you REALLY want to take that on? I wouldn't.

Congratulations on becoming a good adult from schmucks... my mother always said: "the best revenge is a happy life"


I would HIGHLY recommend your parents have a will, makes no mind to you where they leave their money so tell them to have a will ready. (i'm 61 and have one).. but they sound like people who want to take it with them.. good luck on that..

 

[boerumbiddy]

OMG, it was hard enough for my dear brother to handle the financial affairs and then the estate of our kind and lovely mother, who had everything set up in a living trust with POA in place, because she made the mistake of selling her home and moving to another county when she had to enter a nursing home! I simply cannot imagine doing it for the parents you describe. Indeed, tell them to employ someone outside to do it. Unfortunately, I do not know of the specific kind of service you need but will re-post if I find the information.
(FYI, I know you don't want it, but if they die intestate you may have a claim to part of their precious fortune in some states; we found that out went my beloved father's will went missing for a few days after his death and an idiot lawyer tried to persuade us to put in such a claim, when we knew it all went to our mother.)

 

[ruby59]

My mother's second husband became very ill and needed someone to manage his money. My mom was showing signs of dementia so she could not do it. He was estranged from his children, luckily, as they would have taken every penny from him.

So, a guardianship was set up for him. The courts hired someone who handled all of his banking business and submitted a report to the courts monthly. Yes, there was a fee involved, but everything was handled properly. Just make sure that like this person, whomever handles your parents finances has gone through all the background checks and is bonded.

 

[azstonie]

You don't have to do anything, they are not indigent. Advise them to set up automatic bill payments, tell them to have all their checks electronically deposited, it seems money is VERY important to these elderly people.. my inlaws had quite a stash but were unwilling to allow any of their 6 wonderful, independent children help.. so what happened? well my wonderful brotherinlaw had to go to court to gain access to their money since my father in law hadn't paid his assisted living bill for a year! and all the assisted living poshy, expensive place did was accrue a bill (plus huge interest for the year, haha.. The court has YET (over two years) to allow my brother in law to access his mothers (dad died last year) money without oversight from a court appointed team (of which my mother-n-law pays for of course).. hahaha on them, they are paying more to Fairfax county, all their cheapness, zero presents, this millions they saved is now going to the state, rich irony right . My father in law would receive yearly checks from his investments (close to 5K or 7K) of which my brotherinlaw found under a lamp in the living area of their assisted living home.. so now, all their cheapness and hard earned money is going to the state of VA.. they truly got what they deserved.. your parents sound worse.. as I said, I'd advise them on all the electronic means to ensure their bills are paid, taxes are done (if they have as much money as they sound, they definitely have an accountant and she/he can be set up to do their taxes electronically yearly). They should have someone overseeing all this BUT do you REALLY want to take that on? I wouldn't.

Congratulations on becoming a good adult from schmucks... my mother always said: "the best revenge is a happy life"


I would HIGHLY recommend your parents have a will, makes no mind to you where they leave their money so tell them to have a will ready. (i'm 61 and have one).. but they sound like people who want to take it with them.. good luck on that..

Thank you, Tekate. I appreciate your information. Yes, my parents are exactly like this. They don't have a will, they claim that all their assets will magically be mine when the last one passes away. This is what I mean when I say "They don't DO reality." They had a trust at one point that named me but it is now out of date as they now live in their posh CCRC. The CCRC has $650K of theirs in an escrow type account; I am supposed to get 80% of that sum when the last one passes but I don't believe my parents named me as beneficiary for a hot minute. In fact, my mom shared with me in that same conversation that the CCRC somehow LOST the beneficiary form and needs a new one. Think its a coinkydink that my mom tells me this when she tells me she is going back on her word to me re them seeing an eldercare attorney to get their affairs in order? I just realized that on reading your post to me. It was a subtle "Get in line" poke in the eye.

Their accountant is age 82. I kid you not. I have asked them to get one in the same state where they live (Did I forget to mention, all their banks and accountant are in CA where we used to live, they live in AZ now and have for the last 20 years).

I asked my mom to let me do this financial administrative work for them online and for them to consolidate their checking accounts into one checking account, at a bank in the town we live in (Phoenix). She thew a fit at my house, refused to look at the computer screen where I wanted to show MY OWN account to demonstrate how easy it is to do this from the comfort of your own home on a daily/weekly basis.

So she won't consolidate their checking accounts, she won't go local with them, I can't handle this work online, etc.

I appreciate the validation that I am best left out of this entire ridiculous sitch.

My husband wants them out of our lives (he didn't like the divorce him for money scenario my mom cooked up) and I can't disagree.

 

[azstonie]

OMG, it was hard enough for my dear brother to handle the financial affairs and then the estate of our kind and lovely mother, who had everything set up in a living trust with POA in place, because she made the mistake of selling her home and moving to another county when she had to enter a nursing home! I simply cannot imagine doing it for the parents you describe. Indeed, tell them to employ someone outside to do it. Unfortunately, I do not know of the specific kind of service you need but will re-post if I find the information.
(FYI, I know you don't want it, but if they die intestate you may have a claim to part of their precious fortune in some states; we found that out went my beloved father's will went missing for a few days after his death and an idiot lawyer tried to persuade us to put in such a claim, when we knew it all went to our mother.)

Thank you, boerumbiddy, for the information and the tip.

Parents who take care of these things before there is a huge catastrophe, those are KIND and LOVING parents indeed.

They are doing to die intestate. That is the way it'll be.

 

[azstonie]

Hi ruby: I'm advising my parental units to get the service as opposed to a guardianship. Guardians in our state are notorious for paying themselves thousands of dollars per month until the person is dead broke. One woman in our town had $2M and it was gone in 6 months for services rendered by the guardian. She wound up in a sad state.

My parents have read these stories in the paper too. They know they are playing with fire. They think I will pay for attorneys and spend my life making things comfortable for them.

 

[distracts]

The last request was for $275k and it was suggested to me that I could easily get this for them if I would divorce my DH and obtain a settlement

WHAAAAAAAAAT

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

They can ****ing hire someone to manage their finances.

 

[azstonie]

I know, I know, it showed me the DEPTH of their malignancy. I love my husband very much, we have a good marriage. I had a very short and very sad for me first marriage and you would think they would be happy for me that I do have a wonderful man and a happy marriage.

And my DH has been wonderful to them in every single way, so it was mind boggling for that reason too

 

[ruby59]

Hi ruby: I'm advising my parental units to get the service as opposed to a guardianship. Guardians in our state are notorious for paying themselves thousands of dollars per month until the person is dead broke. One woman in our town had $2M and it was gone in 6 months for services rendered by the guardian. She wound up in a sad state.

My parents have read these stories in the paper too. They know they are playing with fire. They think I will pay for attorneys and spend my life making things comfortable for them.

Yes, it does vary state to state, person to person. We got lucky in my step father's case, but I do agree it could go the other way. I can tell you that when my mother in law lived at home, we hired a home health agency to help out. We found out the woman went though her pocketbook and stole money. So it is a cr*pshoot when you hire others, especially when it concerns money and the elderly.

I just had to say I laughed a bit at the highlighted part. This was not meant to be disrespectful but to say "bravo" at overcoming a toxic parental relationship and coming out even stronger at the other end.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

Give us one good reason why you should do them a huge favour that might cost you time, peace of mind and, potentially, money. They exploit you, devalue your marriage and throw fits when you offer help. Why would doing their taxes and checks (eek!) make your life better?

 

[iLander]

F* them!

You are still involved because you think that, at some point, they will see reason, and give you the approval/love you deserve. They won't. They had all these years to do it, if it was going to happen, it would have happened already.

They are TAKERS. They will take until they die.

A good policy for people like this is don't do any more for them than they would do for you. Ask yourself if they would take care of your bills, pay your taxes, etc., just because you said so? Hells no. Are you a lesser human being than they are? Are you required to do things they would never do for you? Noooooo, you are not. Just because they think that, doesn't make it true. You've got to get over the idea that what your parents say is true. It's not. They're just people, with their own twisted view of the world. It has no bearing on your reality.

You are under no obligation to do squat for them.

 

[azstonie]

Give us one good reason why you should do them a huge favour that might cost you time, peace of mind and, potentially, money. They exploit you, devalue your marriage and throw fits when you offer help. Why would doing their taxes and checks (eek!) make your life better?

Hi Lady and this is an exact quote from my best therapist over the years. You too could have an exciting career counseling people!

This is the kind of feedback that helps me stay sane. I see my therapist now quarterly so there are times in there when I need a good reality check. Thank you!!

 

[azstonie]

F* them!

You are still involved because you think that, at some point, they will see reason, and give you the approval/love you deserve. They won't. They had all these years to do it, if it was going to happen, it would have happened already.

They are TAKERS. They will take until they die.

A good policy for people like this is don't do any more for them than they would do for you. Ask yourself if they would take care of your bills, pay your taxes, etc., just because you said so? Hells no. Are you a lesser human being than they are? Are you required to do things they would never do for you? Noooooo, you are not. Just because they think that, doesn't make it true. You've got to get over the idea that what your parents say is true. It's not. They're just people, with their own twisted view of the world. It has no bearing on your reality.

You are under no obligation to do squat for them.

yes, iLander, you are right. From the time I was 9 years old they told me not to bother them, that my problems were *my* problems and they had no time or interest for me. Their friends and jobs were what held their interest and got their attention. Their friends have mostly all died and their coworkers are also either dead or don't stay in touch.

You are so right about the truth factor and what they say to me.

I've seen 4 therapists over the years and they all said the thing: Cut contact. Your parents have personality disorders--borderline and malignant narcissist. Give up the hope they will change, they cannot be your family. You have to make your own.

Thank you for your thoughts.Validation is supportive when it comes to doing something society in general frowns on.

I assembled a list of services, certified and insured, one is a Forbes 500 company, who handle finances for people, most for an hourly rate, including bill pay, account reconciliation and monitoring, taxes, you name, it. I'm going to mail it to them and then put my focus on myself, my husband, our Westies, our friends and my students. They can decide which one is right for them

 

[VRBeauty]

I assembled a list of services, certified and insured, one is a Forbes 500 company, who handle finances for people, most for an hourly rate, including bill pay, account reconciliation and monitoring, taxes, you name, it. I'm going to mail it to them and then put my focus on myself, my husband, our Westies, our friends and my students. They can decide which one is right for them

I think that's a great plan - please do your best to stick to it.

And congratulations on making a good life for yourself in spite of your parents and the examples they set!

 

[azstonie]

I assembled a list of services, certified and insured, one is a Forbes 500 company, who handle finances for people, most for an hourly rate, including bill pay, account reconciliation and monitoring, taxes, you name, it. I'm going to mail it to them and then put my focus on myself, my husband, our Westies, our friends and my students. They can decide which one is right for them

I think that's a great plan - please do your best to stick to it.

And congratulations on making a good life for yourself in spite of your parents and the examples they set!

I will indeed stick to it, I've 'committed' here and I committed to it with my sweet husband and my therapist had me make a book of life events/my parents so that I read it if I'm ever tempted to fall back on old behaviors with them. My therapist also says that smart people who have personality disorders (my parents) always have plan B so I'm not to worry about them, they will be just fine. He's right on that, I have 50 years of experience with my parents and that is my observation too.

Thank you for your kind remark, I've made a lot of mistakes along the way and I've learned from scratch what a healthy relationship is, I had no idea coming out of my parents' home what one of those was. There were teachers who were wonderful to me, mothers of my friends over the years would mother me too, and there were really great neighbors who in retrospect I think knew something was wrong at our house.

Crazy thing, some of the characteristics I picked up there made me successful in the workplace (a little obsessive, perfectionist, overfocused, had to be a high achiever or I'd be the loser my parents said I was) but made my personal life very, very hard.

Now I let work take care of itself and I give thought to the people around me.

Thank you, everyone, who had an open mind on reading this thread. Its not a societally accepted behavior to let your aged parents fall in the pit of their own making. I know I have relatives who will judge me harshly for this but they can be the ones to step forward and get entangled with my parents.

 

[texaskj]

I think your husband has the right idea.

What in the world are you getting out of having them in your life?

 

[arkieb1]

Hi sorry to momentarily threadjack but I think it is cool you have Westies, I have Scotties so I am so sorry your parents are narcissistic self involved manipulative human beings who seem to get off on sucking you into their self made drama when it suits them. Doing no contact until your mother can be reasonable and rational seems like a sensible option, unfortunately true narcissist cannot see the world from other people's POV - they cry, emotionally blackmail, and refuse to participate in order to control and manipulate the situation to suit themselves.

If she refuses to use people on the lists you sent them and she calls you or contacts you tell her if she refuses to deal with her own mess then the state will take over her affairs. Should could potentially be left with no money or a guardian who exploits her and end the conversation if she talks about putting you in their will or leaving you out of it, tell her that is her decision, but reinforce that she needs to get independent financial help and that you will NOT be doing it for her.

 

[azstonie]

A lot of sadness for me and a supreme amount of frustration for my husband. The first question a therapist asked me was: Do they have any leverage on you? Money, for example, do you owe them money?

I told her I'd been independent since age 18.

She asked if I was preserving an inheritance.

I told what my father had been saying since I was in high school: We will not help you but you will never have to help us.

She stared at me and then said: why are you putting up with this?

The hope that I could cobble a family out of them. I know realise that is magical thinking and will never happen.

 

[azstonie]

Hi sorry to momentarily threadjack but I think it is cool you have Westies, I have Scotties so I am so sorry your parents are narcissistic self involved manipulative human beings who seem to get off on sucking you into their self made drama when it suits them. Doing no contact until your mother can be reasonable and rational seems like a sensible option, unfortunately true narcissist cannot see the world from other people's POV - they cry, emotionally blackmail, and refuse to participate in order to control and manipulate the situation to suit themselves.

If she refuses to use people on the lists you sent them and she calls you or contacts you tell her if she refuses to deal with her own mess then the state will take over her affairs. Should could potentially be left with no money or a guardian who exploits her and end the conversation if she talks about putting you in their will or leaving you out of it, tell her that is her decision, but reinforce that she needs to get independent financial help and that you will NOT be doing it for her.

Hi and we love our Scottie brethren!!! A friend with one told me years ago that Scotties are 1-person dogs, do you find that to be true??

I went NC for 2 years after I caught them playing me off against my cousin. It was the last straw kind of thing. I lifted the NC during an emotional time, a big mistake on my part.

 

[movie zombie]

.....The hope that I could cobble a family out of them. I know realise that is magical thinking and will never happen.

and this exactly what abused children do whether sexual, psychological, and/or physical.

there is no reason for you to help them with this because with no POA you will certainly be open to further abuse and possibly even legal action.

there are services for this and they can afford to go through one. they won't like spending $ on this but at the end of the day the problem is theirs and the $ is theirs.

I'm glad you've committed here and to your DH to NOT be a part of this newest dysfunctional set up.

 

[monarch64]

.....The hope that I could cobble a family out of them. I know realise that is magical thinking and will never happen.

and this exactly what abused children do whether sexual, psychological, and/or physical.

there is no reason for you to help them with this because with no POA you will certainly be open to further abuse and possibly even legal action.

there are services for this and they can afford to go through one. they won't like spending $ on this but at the end of the day the problem is theirs and the $ is theirs.

I'm glad you've committed here and to your DH to NOT be a part of this newest dysfunctional set up.

All of what MZ offered, and this: you can move on and work with your Own family, whatever configuration that entails. Let them go, the negative ones. It's absolutely acceptable. You can't change their behavior. You only have control over your reaction to their stuff. And also: it's ok to tell them "no," and it's also ok to wash your hands of them. Everyone involved will be just fine. Including you.

 

[Sky56]

Helping works only if the people involved have good relationships and are scrupulously honest. I've helped handle the financial affairs of an elderly relative. I had many thousands of dollars of this person's sit in my bank account for years, not a single penny touched by me.
The person didn't have dementia and was very elderly with health problems. She was frequently losing checkbooks and couldn't drive anymore, and I and a few family members took control of her money with her consent. Later, when the person passed away, the money was distributed to me and the other heirs properly. I've heard horror stories of people in my position taking advantage and stealing money, and about hired guardians who are thieves. It is heartbreaking how that woman lost $2 million in 6 months from a dishonest guardian. I wonder if there is any way the money could be recovered. People sicken me, how do they sleep at night?

 

[misssoph]

I would not Not go anywhere near this. The chances of them in the future claiming financial malpractice by you seem very high.

 

[missy]

azstonie, I am so sorry you have to deal with this awful situation and that your "parental units" are so horrible to you. You amaze me because from your posts I can tell you are a caring and lovely person (and it sounds like your dh is the same) and the fact that you came out of your childhood whole and intact and able to make a happy life for yourself and your dh is nothing short of a miracle.

Your inner strength shines through as does your kindness and generous nature. Even wanting to help your parents shows what a wonderful person you are. Personally I think I would leave them in the mess they are because they are not worth your effort, energy and time and I agree with your dh. Do not get involved as they are trouble.

You know that saying Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me...they have shown their true colors. Please be careful and protect yourself above all else in this situation. That's the only advice I have but I wanted to send my good thoughts and (((hugs))) your way. You have been such a big help to me and I wanted to send my support to you despite this not being my area of expertise.

 

[tyty333]

I would not Not go anywhere near this. The chances of them in the future claiming financial malpractice by you seem very high.

Yep, I can see them screaming "embezzler" when you've done something they have asked you to do but later changed their minds.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I am constantly amazed at how cruel people can be. It is surprising though to see it aimed by both parents at their only child.

They have obviously done very well in life financially and clearly have the means to have their finances managed by professionals. I would give them recommendations for such people and wash my hands of it all. You can't help people that won't work with you and unfortunately, you can't give them a heart or a conscience.

I am sorry for all the pain this must have caused you through the years. As reluctant as I would ever be to suggest walking away from one's parents, this might be the only option you have to preserve quality of life for yourself.

 

[azstonie]

To all the wonderful responders/responses--MissGotRocks, tyty333, missy, missoph, Sky56, monarch64, movie zombie, arkieb1, texaskj, VRBeauty, iLander, Lady Disdain, ruby59, distracts, boerumbiddy, Tekate---thank you!

There are a lot of good heads on PS/Diamond Hangout which is why I came here to see what the experiences had been.

1. I am going to go see my parents tomorrow with a listing of Daily Money Management firms for them to choose from. I will provide oversight twice yearly to 'the books' (2) IF my parents agree to meet with an eldercare lawyer to ensure everything is in place (healthcare POAs naming each other that are current, a will/trust or some legal tool thereof, etc., discussion re Daily Money Management firms). If they won't go see the eldercare lawyer, I'm done.

I agree with all of you. My husband particularly agrees with those who pointed out that "embezzler!" will be the first word out of their mouth if they forgot a withdrawal or forgot really ANYTHING. (They're not wrong, ever, so I'd be the embezzler rather they forgot they took out money from the account/s.) And if someone in my mom's bridge group or book club has sued their child, my mom will take that and run with it.

Its best for all concerned to hire a Daily Money Management firm (DMM). Yes, they do exist now not just for celebs and the uber wealthy but particularly for seniors who can't or don't want the hassle and whose children don't have TIME for the hassle. They very diplomatically did not comment on families where lack of trust and failure to disclose information re finances is a problem too.

A DMM will put their taxes together. A DMM will ensure the monthly payment to the CCRC gets made. Etc. Best thing ever, the DMM will take on the medical statements which I was particularly dreading. I can hardly comprehend my own insurance statements!

For anyone who might need this not because their parents are frightening and risky sorts but because they themselves are busy, here is a great article from The Chicago Trib online regarding DMMs.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/special/primetime/chi-primetime-bills-060811,0,274969.story

This is from Nolo.com, the legal website:

What Is a DMM?
Daily money management (DMM) programs help people who cannot handle their own financial affairs. Essentially, a daily money manager acts as a personal financial assistant. According to a survey conducted by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), the kinds of services that DMMs provide most often are:
paying bills
maintaining financial records
preparing budgets
balancing checkbooks, and
negotiating with creditors.
DMMs can also prepare checks for clients to sign, help older people organize bank and financial records, prepare and deliver bank deposits, gather documents for tax returns, help decipher medical bills, and review bank statements in order to detect potential financial abuse or fraud.

 

[movie zombie]

thanks for the article!
and be prepared for the guilt trip they will try and lay on you.......'cause you know they will.
no ifs ands or buts it is your way or the highway.
they'll complain but hey they were going to complain anyway.
good luck!

 

[CJ2008]

To all the wonderful responders/responses--MissGotRocks, tyty333, missy, missoph, Sky56, monarch64, movie zombie, arkieb1, texaskj, VRBeauty, iLander, Lady Disdain, ruby59, distracts, boerumbiddy, Tekate---thank you!

There are a lot of good heads on PS/Diamond Hangout which is why I came here to see what the experiences had been.

1. I am going to go see my parents tomorrow with a listing of Daily Money Management firms for them to choose from. I will provide oversight twice yearly to 'the books' (2) IF my parents agree to meet with an eldercare lawyer to ensure everything is in place (healthcare POAs naming each other that are current, a will/trust or some legal tool thereof, etc., discussion re Daily Money Management firms). If they won't go see the eldercare lawyer, I'm done.

I agree with all of you. My husband particularly agrees with those who pointed out that "embezzler!" will be the first word out of their mouth if they forgot a withdrawal or forgot really ANYTHING. (They're not wrong, ever, so I'd be the embezzler rather they forgot they took out money from the account/s.) And if someone in my mom's bridge group or book club has sued their child, my mom will take that and run with it.

Its best for all concerned to hire a Daily Money Management firm (DMM). Yes, they do exist now not just for celebs and the uber wealthy but particularly for seniors who can't or don't want the hassle and whose children don't have TIME for the hassle. They very diplomatically did not comment on families where lack of trust and failure to disclose information re finances is a problem too.

A DMM will put their taxes together. A DMM will ensure the monthly payment to the CCRC gets made. Etc. Best thing ever, the DMM will take on the medical statements which I was particularly dreading. I can hardly comprehend my own insurance statements!

For anyone who might need this not because their parents are frightening and risky sorts but because they themselves are busy, here is a great article from The Chicago Trib online regarding DMMs.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/special/primetime/chi-primetime-bills-060811,0,274969.story

This is from Nolo.com, the legal website:

What Is a DMM?
Daily money management (DMM) programs help people who cannot handle their own financial affairs. Essentially, a daily money manager acts as a personal financial assistant. According to a survey conducted by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), the kinds of services that DMMs provide most often are:
paying bills
maintaining financial records
preparing budgets
balancing checkbooks, and
negotiating with creditors.
DMMs can also prepare checks for clients to sign, help older people organize bank and financial records, prepare and deliver bank deposits, gather documents for tax returns, help decipher medical bills, and review bank statements in order to detect potential financial abuse or fraud.

Thank you for this azstonie - I had never heard of this before.

I have elderly parents too so this thread is of special interest to me.

If you can/it's OK with you, would you mind expanding on your step #2:

(2) IF my parents agree to meet with an eldercare lawyer to ensure everything is in place (healthcare POAs naming each other that are current, a will/trust or some legal tool thereof, etc

What other things do you think they need to have in place or that they should talk to a lawyer about?
Why the healthcare POAs naming each other (in case something happens to one of them they can make decisions for the other?)