Addressing Invitations for single friends

[larussel03]

I had a single friend mention to me that she thought it was rude that her best friend had not added "and guest" to her invitation even though she''s single and her best friend knew that and my friend knew that her friend was only inviting guests for people who had a S.O. due to space and financial constraints. I even mentioned that to her, and she was like "yeah, but I''m in the bridal party, so she should have at least offered for me to bring a guest," which to me, does not make sense, but whatever. This friend is in my bridal party as well.

Our room only first 175 people, and we''re inviting 150 (expecting prob between 130 and 140, the room really would be full at 150, 175 would be overcrowded, the coordinator even said 120-150 is perfect for the room) and so we have a size constraint, which I purposely chose to not go way over budget. I was not going to add "and guest" to my single friends'' invitations, just because I''d know if they were dating someone, and I do know of a couple people who will just ask a friend to come along, even though they know lots of people at the wedding, if they are given a choice to bring somone.

I guess there are 2 questions here:

a) What did you/are you doing for single people? Should I just write "and guest" and assume they won''t just bring a random person.

b) Does having "and guest" on the invitation make anyone feel like they have to fill a quota or something? I''ve never been single when invited to a wedding, so I''m not sure if there''s a feeling of urgency to bring someone if you''re offered to, or not...or if it feels like you''re being slighted if you didn''t get the "and guest" option??

 

[jcrow]

we included "and guest" for all single friends/family members. no one brought an extra unknown person. in fact, i think only ONE person brought a guest, and it was someone i knew fairly well.

 

[Nicrez]

Don't cave in. It's your wedding. When I was younger I went to weddings single, and not had the "and guest" option. Those cases have been simple and budgeted weddings, which I would have never cared to bring anyone to, to increase the couple's cost for my own "fun". The main reason is not to bring a friend, but to celebrate the bride and groom. It's their day, stop being selfish!

I have had to sit at a wedding party table not knowing anyone but the bride, and even then who cares, it's about the bride!

Sure it's nice to have "and guest", because at those weddings, they have been more entertaining for ME, and when traveling to a destination wedding, like the ones I went to in Spain, Key West, California, and one in Brussels. Imagine flying out to those stag... BLAH!

I say guests but only if and when it is possible.

Granted gifts should also reflect the extra person but space is also a constraint and you can't guarantee people will be twice and generous!

Write the person's full name formally, and only if they will attend on the response card. Etiquette dictates they call or let you know if they NEED a guest to come, but other than by your approval, they should get the hint.

Sorry, but how rude of people to ask it of you!

 

[larussel03]

Thanks JCrow and Nic -- the thing is, I''d invite someone who only knew FI or I with a guest so that they wouldn''t feel wierd or alone, but all of my single friends know lots of people who will be at the wedding...but I don''t want to appear rude by not inviting them "with guest" on one hand. I guess most would not bring a guest unless they were dating someone except maybe one or two people.

I do have this friend who is always "kind of" seeing someone random she met at a bar or something and she brings guys she just met to weddings...she''s got a steady bf now, but that''s sort of the case I''m thinking of when I worry about people just bringing anyone.

 

[cara]

Well do you want to let your single friends bring someone? Is it far for them so they wolnt bring someone random? I don''t think you can count on people not bringing whoever they want if you write "and guest", but you know the people you are inviting better than me. Doesn''t sound like you are completely screwed space wise if you let singles bring guests, as some people will probably decline your invitation, but it will cost money. And the fair thing is to either let all singles bring guests or none, not just the ones that have made a preemptive strike to get their guest invited. I''m inviting everyone''s significant other that I know about but no "and guests" for two reasons: 1) we have serious space considerations (are inviting more ppl than can really fit as it is) and 2) its not technically correct. Proper etiquette is invite people by name specifically, this also keeps folks from switching their significant other for a random friend. So I would do what you want here without feeling squeezed by your friend. If you want to be inclusive, fine, invite singles'' guests, but if you want to stick to your budget you can feel safely on the correct end by not doing it. You can also let your friend know verbally that if she wants to bring someone that''s fine by you but then you haven''t set the precedent of putting it on the invitation.

 

[littlelysser]

Okay...I have got to disagree. I get that the wedding is all about the bride and stuff - but I''d think you want your friends to be comfortable and happy too, right? Invite them with a guest.

I was invited to a cousin''s wedding as a single...and it was really quite miserable. I didn''t know many people there and it was just really not a fun event. Other than family, I knew no one. Didn''t really dance - cause had no one to dance with. Ya know? Now, I think it''d be different if you are inviting a bunch of folks that know each other. In that cause, a no guest invite might not be bad.

I can''t imagine inviting someone with guest would make them feel like they have to bring someone... and what if they start seriously dating someone between the time that you sent out the invite?

I don''t know if I''m making sense...I''m battling a wicked head cold!!!!

 

[Siamese Kitty]

Sorry, but I would have to agree with LL on this one, too. I would invite less extended friends and let my close friends bring dates. I think going to a wedding as a single can be VERY uncomfortable. Although I have to say, I think if your friends are all single and in their early 20''s, you could always put them at a table together and they''d probably have a blast (been there). But speaking for myself approaching 30 and single with most of my close friends married, I would probably be uncomfortable going. And selfish or not, if I shelled the money out to be a bridesmaid and I wasn''t allowed to bring a date, I''d be miffed. I understand, too, that it is the bride and groom''s special day, but it honestly *feels* like you''re being penalized for being single at weddings sometimes. Half the time you don''t know your friend''s invited boyfriends, either. JMHO

BTW: not to start a rant, but I''ve seen people talking about inviting friends'' FI''s and not boyfriends. Man, I would hate to be the poor girl who is last to get engaged sitting at the table alone with all of her newly engaged friends! yikes hehe

 

[larussel03]

Thanks for all the responses guys! I really appreciate all the input because I''m not sure exactly what to do.

Fi, I and our close friends and cousins are in our early to mid 20''s and i think that most of our friends, even if offered to bring a date, if single, would probably not bring one just because they''re all friends with each other and can all sit together and some have even said that they''re excited to meet FI''s single friends as well. OF course friends/relatives with bf''s or FIs or any kind of SO''s are invited with a named guest.

I guess it''s just a hard call...I''m beginning to lean towards inviting them with guest, I''m just hoping that they don''t bring one if they''re not dating anyone, unless they don''t know alot of people at the wedding.

The one BM who said that she was miffed her friend didn''t invite her with a guest said that she wasn''t going to bring one anyways, but she was mad she didn''t offer...she''s one of the more sensitive of the bunch, so I guess to make sure to not ruffle the feathers of those who are easily ruffled I should just offer and guest...even though they will likely not bring one.

Then on the other hand, I"ve got FI''s mother saying she wants me to invite 4 of her friends without their husbands.

I told her the hubbys names will go on the invites, and they don''t have to come, but she seems pretty adament about not even doing that. I''m not sure why, to be honest she''s a wierdo, but they can just not come if they don''t want to. It''s not like me putting their names on an envelope will MAKE them come...

Wedding politics

haha.

 

[laine]

I agree that it sort of depends on the situation. If you have lots of single friends who all know each other, then I would expect them to be fine without dates. On the other hand, if it were a friend who didn''t know many other people at the wedding, or the only single one among many couples, then it would be nice to let them bring a date so they don''t feel left out or uncomfortable.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 3/12/2007 1:02:19 PM
Author: Siamese Kitty
Sorry, but I would have to agree with LL on this one, too. I would invite less extended friends and let my close friends bring dates. I think going to a wedding as a single can be VERY uncomfortable. Although I have to say, I think if your friends are all single and in their early 20's, you could always put them at a table together and they'd probably have a blast (been there). But speaking for myself approaching 30 and single with most of my close friends married, I would probably be uncomfortable going. And selfish or not, if I shelled the money out to be a bridesmaid and I wasn't allowed to bring a date, I'd be miffed. I understand, too, that it is the bride and groom's special day, but it honestly *feels* like you're being penalized for being single at weddings sometimes. Half the time you don't know your friend's invited boyfriends, either. JMHO

BTW: not to start a rant, but I've seen people talking about inviting friends' FI's and not boyfriends. Man, I would hate to be the poor girl who is last to get engaged sitting at the table alone with all of her newly engaged friends! yikes hehe

No need to be sorry : ) Just trying to feel out opinions and I'd rather do it here than put single friends of mine on the defensive if I asked them and they felt weird about me asking or something.

ETA: I also have to disagree about the wedding being "all about the bride" though. To me it's about me, Fi, our families and friends...if it were just about me I wouldn't care so much about how everyoen else was feeling. I don't think that was implied at all, but just to clarify.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 3/12/2007 1:52:47 PM
Author: laine
I agree that it sort of depends on the situation. If you have lots of single friends who all know each other, then I would expect them to be fine without dates. On the other hand, if it were a friend who didn''t know many other people at the wedding, or the only single one among many couples, then it would be nice to let them bring a date so they don''t feel left out or uncomfortable.

Yeah, maybe I''ll consider the situations more as well...the single BM who made the comment to me did not fuss at all when she, FI and I were invited to a different wedding, which she was not in, and she was not invited with a guest. I think it was more that she felt that b/c she was in the party she should be told she could bring a guest that she wasn''t going to bring...or something.

Good thing I''m feeling this out now...invitations are going out in a few months but I want to have an accurate idea of what our counts will be...

Thanks again, guys!

 

[Siamese Kitty]

good luck, but I''m sure you will make the right decision-you really seem to unselfishly have everyone''s best interests at heart

 

[zoebartlett]

I can kind of see both sides -- you want all your guests to be comfortable but I''m sure you don''t really want random guests either. If it were me, what would I do? Hmm... I would hope that by putting "and guest" on an invitation, friends don''t automatically assume they should bring just anyone, simply because they CAN. My boyfriend and I live together, but if I wasn''t in a realtionship and if I was invited to a wedding, I''d go alone. I wouldn''t try to find someone to bring.

I guess if I was the bride and I had a friend or coworker who was alone and wouldn''t know anyone but me, I''d probably talk to that person ahead of time, and I''d let that person bring a guest (a friend if he or she wanted).

I hope this makes sense.

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 3/12/2007 1:52:18 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*
Thanks for all the responses guys! I really appreciate all the input because I''m not sure exactly what to do.


Fi, I and our close friends and cousins are in our early to mid 20''s and i think that most of our friends, even if offered to bring a date, if single, would probably not bring one just because they''re all friends with each other and can all sit together and some have even said that they''re excited to meet FI''s single friends as well. OF course friends/relatives with bf''s or FIs or any kind of SO''s are invited with a named guest.

I am having this same issue. My friends who I am inviting know eachother, and I feel that they SHOULD be confident enough to attend a wedding sans date. However, some of them are like, "Oh my gosh, who can I bring as my date? I have to have a date!" Since I feel close enough to the friends who are invited to my wedding to just tell them how it is, I pretty much say, "Yeah, about that, we''re not inviting random dates. Only Majorly significant others." They seem to be okay with it. I mean, I don''t want to be rude to them or anything, but my single friends are basically all friends with eachother, so they will know plenty of people at the wedding. And they certainly and don''t need to be toting along some random guy as an act of desparation. For one thing, they will probably be more concerned over whether he is having fun and fitting in than they are about enjoying themselves. For another thing, inviting random dates runs the risk of them bringing people who I SPECIFICALLY didn''t invite in the first place. I tell the girls who pout about it that they are beautiful and wonderful and shouldn''t need a wedding date to make them feel that way, and that they will have a MUCH better chance of getting to know the single guys (because it seems guys never care whether they have a date) who come to the wedding if they don''t bother bringing along someone random along.

 

[TravelingGal]

I would hope that friends would have enough sense to bring someone to a wedding that they would know pretty well. I agree with some of the others...I would want my guests to have fun, and that would mean extending an invitation for them to bring a date. But we had a small wedding so it wasn''t much of an issue.

I can''t imagine having someone in a wedding party and not giving them the courtesy invitation to bring a date! After all that brides expect of their bridesmaids these days, that is just rude!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/12/2007 1:52:18 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*

Fi, I and our close friends and cousins are in our early to mid 20''s and i think that most of our friends, even if offered to bring a date, if single, would probably not bring one just because they''re all friends with each other and can all sit together and some have even said that they''re excited to meet FI''s single friends as well. OF course friends/relatives with bf''s or FIs or any kind of SO''s are invited with a named guest.

I can see both sides.

On the one hand, I wouldn''t necessarily want someone just "filling a slot" bringing just some random person.

HOWEVER, to be fair, most receptions involve dinner and DANCING. It''s fine to say "oh, well they can all sit together, so why do they need to bring someone", but try being the person who''s left sitting at the table when everyone else gets up to dance with their SOs.

Accordingly, I think it really depends on what type of reception you''re having. If it''s one where people will ''couple up'' and dance, I''d be more inclined to at least allow a date......especially for someone you regard enough to include in your wedding party.

 

[Pandora II]

FI and I have set a rule of "married, engaged or living together for over a year" for our wedding. Since we are both in our mid-thirties I reckon 90% of our friends fall into that category so shouldn''t upset too many people.

We have one very old friend of FI''s who he hasn''t seen in years who is coming as one of the 5 Best Men, who doesn''t know anyone else and we will ask him if he wants to bring a guest.

All my uncles and aunts (there are about 7 sets) have 4 kids each who are all in their 20''s. I totally refused to have all my cousins (who I see about once every 2-3 years at weddings/funerals etc) dates rather than my friends. To be honest I''m hoping it might convince some of them not to come.

(Having said that one of my cousins is dating a guy that her mother - who is the wicked witch of the west - has banned from the house. I am soooooooo tempted to make that an "and guest"

)

 

[larussel03]

Date: 3/12/2007 6:20:18 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I would hope that friends would have enough sense to bring someone to a wedding that they would know pretty well. I agree with some of the others...I would want my guests to have fun, and that would mean extending an invitation for them to bring a date. But we had a small wedding so it wasn''t much of an issue.

I can''t imagine having someone in a wedding party and not giving them the courtesy invitation to bring a date! After all that brides expect of their bridesmaids these days, that is just rude!

Yep, and I''d agree with that, but BM told me she told her friend she wasn''t going to bring anyone b/c she had to travel and she wasn''t dating anyone. Maybe her friend still should have put "and guest" on her card, but I don''t know if she should have taken it as rude when her friend, whom she told she wasn''t bringing a date, didn''t invite her with guest? Both my BM nad her best friend are super sensitive people, so maybe it was just a smaller issue that got blown out of proportion, but I remember her telling me this and being like "uh oh, I don''t want to accidentially offend anyone and have them talk about me behind my back."

Anyways, I think I''m def going to invite the bridal party with the "& guest" tag, and I think I will on single friends as well, although I''m thinking I may be safe if I do b/c a couple of them are excited about meeting FI''s single guy friends, so I may not have to worry too much about them bringing a guest if they''re not dating the person...I can see the rationale that the invitations go out 2-3 months prior, so they can meet someone and start dating in that time, and I don''t want them to feel as though if that happens, they can''t bring the new bf/gf...

If only people knew how much thought and planning and worrying goes into seemingly little details of wedding planning, they''d be more considerate so we wouldn''t have to worry as much about this stuff!!!

 

[larussel03]

Date: 3/12/2007 7:50:02 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 3/12/2007 1:52:18 PM
Author: *~Sweetpea~*

Fi, I and our close friends and cousins are in our early to mid 20''s and i think that most of our friends, even if offered to bring a date, if single, would probably not bring one just because they''re all friends with each other and can all sit together and some have even said that they''re excited to meet FI''s single friends as well. OF course friends/relatives with bf''s or FIs or any kind of SO''s are invited with a named guest.

I can see both sides.

On the one hand, I wouldn''t necessarily want someone just ''filling a slot'' bringing just some random person.

HOWEVER, to be fair, most receptions involve dinner and DANCING. It''s fine to say ''oh, well they can all sit together, so why do they need to bring someone'', but try being the person who''s left sitting at the table when everyone else gets up to dance with their SOs.

Accordingly, I think it really depends on what type of reception you''re having. If it''s one where people will ''couple up'' and dance, I''d be more inclined to at least allow a date......especially for someone you regard enough to include in your wedding party.

Hi Aldj!

Our wedding isn''t going to have lots of couples dances, so I hope singles won''t feel left out of anything and all of our single friends know each other and are about the same age also : )

 

[larussel03]

Date: 3/12/2007 9:56:37 PM
Author: Pandora II
FI and I have set a rule of ''married, engaged or living together for over a year'' for our wedding. Since we are both in our mid-thirties I reckon 90% of our friends fall into that category so shouldn''t upset too many people.

We have one very old friend of FI''s who he hasn''t seen in years who is coming as one of the 5 Best Men, who doesn''t know anyone else and we will ask him if he wants to bring a guest.

All my uncles and aunts (there are about 7 sets) have 4 kids each who are all in their 20''s. I totally refused to have all my cousins (who I see about once every 2-3 years at weddings/funerals etc) dates rather than my friends. To be honest I''m hoping it might convince some of them not to come.

(Having said that one of my cousins is dating a guy that her mother - who is the wicked witch of the west - has banned from the house. I am soooooooo tempted to make that an ''and guest''

)

In my case, my cousins are the ones who won''t know anyone, and I only have maybe 1 or 2 single cousins, so I was going to make sure that they could bring a guest if they wanted to b/c they may feel wierd not knowing anyone if they aren''t invited with guest.

 

[Class n Sass]

I''m in a similar situation. I''m only inviting friends with a guest if they are engaged or live together. I can''t afford it. PERIOD. End of discussion. I would love to be able to give my friends that option but its just not an option that will sit well with my pockets. I have great understanding friends so I don''t see any of them making a big deal about it. Hopefully you can tell them something similar and hope they understand.

 

[E B]

I think it all depends on the situation.

We're only inviting 100 people to keep the intimacy we want (and to costs from getting out of control!). Basically, if a person has a spouse, fiance or serious partner they're living with, they get an 'and guest' (or the SO is invited as well). The only way a single person at our wedding will get an 'and guest' is if they won't know many people and we feel they might be uncomfortable.

For our single friends, we won't be adding "and guest", because they all know each other (well, his friends know his friends and mine know mine), and they'll be sitting among friends.

 

[flopkins]

We didn''t have ''and guest'' for any of our invites. Either we knew them and both names were on the invite (in the case of the married, engaged, or long term SOs) or they were singles. There were enough folks there they knew (pretty much all the singles were also friends w/other guests) and it wasn''t a huge deal, IMO. I did tell my BM they could invite a guest if they wanted (I actually did this verbally, bc two of them broke up w/their BF right before the wedding) but neither did.

 

[jasper]

Sweetpea,

Maybe you could ask your friend if there is a particular person that you should invite. That way, your friend''s "and guest" would be invited, and every guest at the wedding would have received a personal invitation.

This is a compromise. If you do not feel that you should have to compromise on this point, you do not have to. A reception''s host(ess) is ultimately in charge of the guest list.

-- Jasper

 

[swingirl]

Since you are inviting a single person to come see you get married and celebrate your happiness I think it is common curtiousy that he/she have the option to bring someone to enjoy it with? I don''t think it''s a lot of fun to eat dinner with a table full of couples who are all chatting with their spouses. Or to not be able to dance or talk to anyone the know.

It used to be considered appropriate that an adult could bring an escort to social events and not have to be alone. And the idea that you have to personally know everyone at your wedding means that if you work with someone but have never met their spouse you wouldn''t want the spouse at your wedding?

 

[larussel03]

Date: 3/14/2007 4:46:43 AM
Author: swingirl
Since you are inviting a single person to come see you get married and celebrate your happiness I think it is common curtiousy that he/she have the option to bring someone to enjoy it with? I don''t think it''s a lot of fun to eat dinner with a table full of couples who are all chatting with their spouses. Or to not be able to dance or talk to anyone the know.

It used to be considered appropriate that an adult could bring an escort to social events and not have to be alone. And the idea that you have to personally know everyone at your wedding means that if you work with someone but have never met their spouse you wouldn''t want the spouse at your wedding?

Definately spouses, SO''s or even people that have just recently started exclusively dating someone will be invited with guest, no question about that. I''d never say "You can come, but your BF cannot"

The single friends I have actually all know each other, but if I did have one who did not know people as well, I''d invite that person with a guest. There won''t be a single person sitting alone at an all otherwise couples table, we have plenty of single people to put all together with singles and couples who are all friends with each other

 

[larussel03]

Date: 3/14/2007 3:36:24 AM
Author: jasper
Sweetpea,

Maybe you could ask your friend if there is a particular person that you should invite. That way, your friend''s ''and guest'' would be invited, and every guest at the wedding would have received a personal invitation.

This is a compromise. If you do not feel that you should have to compromise on this point, you do not have to. A reception''s host(ess) is ultimately in charge of the guest list.

-- Jasper

I actually think this is a good idea for our close single friends...I may just call them up before I send the invites and ask if there''s anyone that they''d like to have me include by name on their invitation for them to bring, obviously if they started dating someone right before the invites went out I wouldn''t know the other person''s name, so it would make sense to call and ask.

For single relatives, that I''m not on such a familiar friendly basis with, they''ll get an "and guest" just b/c I''m not on such a familiar ground with them to call up and ask if they''re seeing someone.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 3/14/2007 12:27:48 AM
Author: flopkins
We didn''t have ''and guest'' for any of our invites. Either we knew them and both names were on the invite (in the case of the married, engaged, or long term SOs) or they were singles. There were enough folks there they knew (pretty much all the singles were also friends w/other guests) and it wasn''t a huge deal, IMO. I did tell my BM they could invite a guest if they wanted (I actually did this verbally, bc two of them broke up w/their BF right before the wedding) but neither did.

I think this will end up being my main approach as well -- I am close enough with all of them to know if they''re dating someone, but I will make sure to ask single friends when I''m writing out the invites if there''s anyone they''d like me to include by name.

I will invite the BM''s with guest, even though the single ones are probably unlikely to bring a guest just because they''ll be busy.

Alot of my (and FI''s) single friends have already made comments that they don''t want to bring anyone b/c they think the others are "hot" haha, definately bound to make for an interesting night to see who ends up with whom.

 

[larussel03]

Date: 3/13/2007 8:16:01 PM
Author: EBree
I think it all depends on the situation.

We''re only inviting 100 people to keep the intimacy we want (and to costs from getting out of control!). Basically, if a person has a spouse, fiance or serious partner they''re living with, they get an ''and guest'' (or the SO is invited as well). The only way a single person at our wedding will get an ''and guest'' is if they won''t know many people and we feel they might be uncomfortable.

For our single friends, we won''t be adding ''and guest'', because they all know each other (well, his friends know his friends and mine know mine), and they''ll be sitting among friends.

Hi Ebree!

I''m in the same scenario as you where all our friends know each other and will be sitting together, couples mixed with singles.

 

[amileegirl]

When I sent out invitations to our single friends (of which there are woefully few since we are in our thirties) I only put & guest if I knew that that person wouldn''t know anyone but either me or my FI. We have a very small quota and we even had to put people on the B list that we wanted to come but couldn''t put on the A list for space reasons. A good friend would be understanding of the modern budget. Stick to your guns. Don''t put & guest just for the sake of it.