A Thread for Those Caring for Aging Parents etc.

[Kaleigh]

I am back in the saddle again. My dad died October 7th. Many may remember that I took care of my Nanny for 16 years. Mom didn't help at all. Now that my dad is gone, I am taking care of her and making up for the lack of her care big time.
I got her physical therapy. She is blind and can't walk. But yesterday she took her first steps. Today she walked even further....I also am getting her injections for her eyes... I believe some progress can be made. And getting her dentures.. My dad did the best I suppose but he really just left her there to die. It began when she broke her arm years ago and he wouldn't take her to the ER. He said it was closed. I did what I could to get her through two operations. But quit after he became so beligerant and toxic to me. Mom was pretty mean to me, so I was like bye.... So now doing everything I can to get her better. Its my new normal...Divorce still going on and my EX is pilfering my parents house. It's crazy...

Dear Kaleigh (Lisa), I would say I cannot believe your life, but unfortunately I can. And, yes, I remember your Nanny. And her wisdom. And how you have always quoted her. I do find you amazing for being able to take on the care of your mother after the life you have lived. I am afraid I do recall her as being less than kind to you. But I cannot imagine you leaving someone as helpless as the person you describe her now to be to fend for herself. That just isn't you. I know it would break your heart to see someone helpless suffering. God bless you!

Big hugs,
Deb
(((Kaleigh)))

Thanks Deb!!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Deb,
Thank you very much for your kind response. What I am going through is pure hell but at the same time there is a blessing in which my Mom is getting better and we are talking about moving forward and letting the past go.

I have to forgive myself for giving her care to my dad, but it was the best choice for me at the time.

Baby steps...

All will be ok..

Hugs to you!!!

 

[random_thought]

I'd like to jump in too! Thank you, thank you, thank you for creating this thread!

My mother passed away about 2 months ago and my dad is 73. He lives a long ways away, drinks every night now and thinks everyone blames him for my mother's death, which I don't necessarily think is true. He leans on me and my older sister a lot, my other sister doesn't speak to him. I feel bad because I haven't had as much time to call as I would like- we move in 2 days, I have a 4 year old, work is crazy, etc. etc. It's just so much to deal with but I feel bad complaining because I still have my husband and my children living with me. I can't imagine how it feels to all of a sudden live by yourself.

 

[boerumbiddy]

My parents, whom I loved, were not the problem, but now I have to deal with my father's difficult sister and it's not easy or fun.

My father died after a relatively short illness, about 20 years before my mother. As she had been her own mother and aunt's caretaker, she carefully set up her own money in a living trust, downsized, and happily gave treasured jewelry to people while she could still enjoy seeing them wearing it. Even when she started to have dementia, she saved all the "lotteries" and "special offers" for my brother to go through, rather than sending any money. When her last cat died, she said she didn't want another one, as she might trip over it and didn't want to worry about outliving it. She was wise and sensible and nice to be around.

I spent most of a year with her in her late 80s, making meals and checking her meds. When her dementia progressed in a big step, she spent a respite weekend at a really nice "memory care center" near my brother and cheerfully agreed to move there a few weeks later. She even had long-term health care insurance that covered most of the cost. My brother visited every day. The staff loved her, as she was one of the few residents who was neither angry nor depressed. The food was good, the TV was tuned to her favorite movie channel, the priest brought her communion almost every Sunday, and she lived there in higher and higher levels of care until her death in hospice care just before her 92d birthday. I am sure she is with my father and enjoying heaven.

My father's baby sister, on the other hand, is going to exhaust my patience and possibly my savings. She is completely bedridden with a variety of ailments (bad hip, things like that) that could have been fixed a decade ago, but she refused. She has several small pensions and a five-figure savings account, which she will soon exhaust. Her sainted 24-hour caretaker (who comes with a daughter and niece who are also in training for sainthood) is worth every penny, as not many people would cater to her for any price. For example, she refuses to use a bedpan, insists on sleeping with her false teeth in place, doesn't like to be bathed and has just agreed to take another cat! She actually has long-term health care insurance but does not want to use it, even at a really good place that is nearby. She is in her right mind, or as right as it ever was. She is just plain contrary.

In her case, I will soon be consulting an elder-care attorney of some repute who works with her regular accountant. There is a possibility that she can qualify for Medicaid when she spends down her savings and puts her income into a trust, but it will probably cover only part of her 24-hour care. I will have to subsidize her financially even more than I do now. I go see her every few days and pay her bills (she is also nearly blind and I do have her power of attorney) and I have hired a local service to shop for groceries and bed pads once a week. I am resigned to this situation but I am not happy about it. At least I have stopped her from sending bits of her money to every charity appeal she gets! I guess after how easy my parents made life for me and my brother, I can take care of someone whom no one else in the family even likes much.

 

[random_thought]

Well, I just found out my dad has lost the sight in one of his eyes and thinks he'll still be able to drive. I reckon it's going to be a long month again...

 

[Calliecake]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this Random Thoughts. It has to be difficult with moving and trying to deal with your dad at the same time.

 

[CJ2008]

My parents, whom I loved, were not the problem, but now I have to deal with my father's difficult sister and it's not easy or fun.

My father died after a relatively short illness, about 20 years before my mother. As she had been her own mother and aunt's caretaker, she carefully set up her own money in a living trust, downsized, and happily gave treasured jewelry to people while she could still enjoy seeing them wearing it. Even when she started to have dementia, she saved all the "lotteries" and "special offers" for my brother to go through, rather than sending any money. When her last cat died, she said she didn't want another one, as she might trip over it and didn't want to worry about outliving it. She was wise and sensible and nice to be around.

I spent most of a year with her in her late 80s, making meals and checking her meds. When her dementia progressed in a big step, she spent a respite weekend at a really nice "memory care center" near my brother and cheerfully agreed to move there a few weeks later. She even had long-term health care insurance that covered most of the cost. My brother visited every day. The staff loved her, as she was one of the few residents who was neither angry nor depressed. The food was good, the TV was tuned to her favorite movie channel, the priest brought her communion almost every Sunday, and she lived there in higher and higher levels of care until her death in hospice care just before her 92d birthday. I am sure she is with my father and enjoying heaven.

My father's baby sister, on the other hand, is going to exhaust my patience and possibly my savings. She is completely bedridden with a variety of ailments (bad hip, things like that) that could have been fixed a decade ago, but she refused. She has several small pensions and a five-figure savings account, which she will soon exhaust. Her sainted 24-hour caretaker (who comes with a daughter and niece who are also in training for sainthood) is worth every penny, as not many people would cater to her for any price. For example, she refuses to use a bedpan, insists on sleeping with her false teeth in place, doesn't like to be bathed and has just agreed to take another cat! She actually has long-term health care insurance but does not want to use it, even at a really good place that is nearby. She is in her right mind, or as right as it ever was. She is just plain contrary.

In her case, I will soon be consulting an elder-care attorney of some repute who works with her regular accountant. There is a possibility that she can qualify for Medicaid when she spends down her savings and puts her income into a trust, but it will probably cover only part of her 24-hour care. I will have to subsidize her financially even more than I do now. I go see her every few days and pay her bills (she is also nearly blind and I do have her power of attorney) and I have hired a local service to shop for groceries and bed pads once a week. I am resigned to this situation but I am not happy about it. At least I have stopped her from sending bits of her money to every charity appeal she gets! I guess after how easy my parents made life for me and my brother, I can take care of someone whom no one else in the family even likes much.

My goodness boerumbiddy you are a kind and beautiful person for doing this. ETA for everything you've said and done actually.

 

[CJ2008]

Well, I just found out my dad has lost the sight in one of his eyes and thinks he'll still be able to drive. I reckon it's going to be a long month again...

Sorry, random - sounds like a difficult situation and conversation. :/ Hope he ends up listening.

 

[Jambalaya]

I am experienced in caring issues, both close to home and from a distance.

To the posters who were thinking of moving far away, that won't solve anything. You will end up back and forth on planes, your working life (if you work) will take a massive hit, and if the elderly person is someone you really care about, despite your best efforts you probably won't be there at the end, which will upset you. And the phone calls in the night from thousands of miles away will be a special kind of fun. Move for the right reasons if you do so, because with family you can run but you can't hide. After the death, it's also not over because you might feel the need to spend time with bereaved family members before heading back to a strange place that your relative never knew. You will also not have old friends, only new ones, and they will not care as much about your bereavement.

CJ, your worrying is all out of control. I've been there, too, and it was all for nothing. One person I worried about was apparently perfectly healthy and then dropped down dead - no caring required - and the other person lived well in her own home with paid help once a day. She wasn't sick, but passed peacefully in her sleep at age 91. So that wasn't too difficult either. Another relative moved into a nursing home, lived there for three years, and then died in her sleep. None of those deaths were care-intensive, and these three ways account for an awful lot of deaths. Not everyone dies after a long illness that exhausts their loved ones.

I've watched a lot of deaths go down and they happen in a million different ways, so there is no way that you can envisage what shape it will take. I assure you, all that worry is for nothing, because you have no control and no crystal ball. Your parents might be like my dad's friend, who went to bed age 80 and just never woke up! Your parents are, right now, perfectly healthy, and that could continue for a long time. Don't let these worries take away the present. If they did die, you'd be regretting how you let this worry affect your time with them while they were still healthy. I know it's not easy, but perhaps attempt to decide that this worry is not getting you anywhere, and envision the opposite for them - a long and healthy old age before dying quickly and peacefully. I'd give anything to be in your shoes - to have them here and healthy, and I wouldn't waste a minute of it.

One tip for these kinds of life issues: The best thing you can do for yourself is learn to live in the present. We have very little control over health issues, so try to enjoy what you've got, while you've got it.

 

[VRBeauty]

This thread is more applicable to me now than it was when I first started it - I'm now in the thick of caring for my father. Here's the short version - the long version will follow.

A month ago my father was found to have a subdural hematoma. His community has no neurosurgeons so he was sent to a regional hospital for surgery. He was approved for acute rehab and went through three weeks of observation and training in that hospital's acute rehab facility.

He is now at his home but needs someone with him around the clock. My brothers/sisters in law/nephew and I will be providing that care somehow (my father lives at least two hours from where each of us kids lives).

My father survived and is doing well, and there's a good chance that he will continue to improve and perhaps even live independently again, though with much more frequent visits from us than before.

But my brothers and I - or at least, one of my brothers and I - are now in the midst of elder care, to the extent that we will be arranging our lives around taking care of my father, rather than dropping in on him as our lives allow.

Let the fun begin!

By the way, NPR just ran an excellent story on subdural hematomas. It's important information to have: http://www.npr.org/sections/health-...mple-bump-can-cause-an-insidious-brain-injury

 

[VRBeauty]

So here's the longish version. Honestly, I don't expect anybody to read this unless maybe they find themselves in a similar situation. Mainly I'm writing this because I just need to get it down.

A month ago today my father fell at home three times and called the neighbors (who also happen to be long-time family friends) for help. They called 911, who took my father to the local emergency room. The folks at the ER quickly determined that he had a subdural hematoma, and sent him by ambulance to the nearest trauma center that had room for him, which was 2 1/2 hours away. That was all on a Monday night. When I arrived at the hospital on Tuesday, it was easy to see that my father was losing strength and coordination, and was starting to get confused. He had to be restrained because he kept trying to get out of the hospital bed and there was no reasoning with him. The surgery - drilling or cutting into his skull to drain the blood that had accumulated between the skull and the brain - was bumped to Thursday because of higher priority emergencies. Even in that 24 hours I could see additional degradation of everything - strength, cognition, and motor functions. My father completely lost the ability to direct his right hand and leg. The bright side of these few days was that I did get to meet his neurosurgeon and some other key staff, and from those meetings I became quite convinced that he was in very good hands.

The surgery went well and was amazingly fast - the surgery itself lasted only 45 minutes. The hospital he'd been sent to also has an in-house rehab facility. My brother and I considered moving him to a hospital nearer one of our homes: there acute rehab available near each of our homes, we live less than two hours from each other whereas we're each more than three hours from the hospital my father was sent to, and family is expected to support their patient throughout the rehab, and to be there to be trained to care for the patient after they go home. We were so impressed with the facility he was in however that we decided that we'd keep him there and commute.

Getting into acute rehab was not guaranteed, by the way. We had to convince the staff that we were intent on taking my father home and providing 24/7 care there for as long as he needed it. I think this was mainly an insurance consideration: the insurers don't want to put all that money into acute rehab only to have the patient move on to a (also costly) skilled nursing facility.

That was my oldest remaining brother and I (he's eight years younger than me). My youngest brother's attitude was - let's just sell his house and put my father in a nursing home. He said he was anticipating his in-laws moving to a residential care facility near him in a few years, so he'd have plenty on his hands then, and couldn't help much with caring for his own father. He's come around a bit, but I know we can't count on him for much help.

The first two weeks in rehab were difficult - lots of ups, but also lots of downs, making it difficult to see improvement and to imagine caring for my father at home. Oldest brother and I switched off as his schedule allowed - he and his wife left no doubt that as far as they were concerned, this was a family concern and responsibility. About halfway through I had just arrived back to the hospital to relieve my brother after after a few days at home when I got word that my closest friend had died unexpectedly. My brother sent me right back home for whatever time I needed there. Which turned out to be a good thing for my father too - my brother observed that my father's blood pressure was key to determining how well he responded to training etc. each day.

At one point after I returned I ran out of patience with my father. It looked like he was cooperating with the staff but not with us, which did not bode well for his return home. So I told him - these are the benchmarks you have to hit or we will not be able to care for you at home, and we'll have to look into nursing homes. And I wasn't just blowing smoke - my brothers and I had already decided that if he was not able to pretty much toilet himself and to get around the house with a walker, it would be too difficult and wearing on us to care for him at home. I don't know if that influenced him, but he did seem more willing to follow our suggestions/directions after that, and the last week in rehab went much better.

My father's rehab team held weekly meetings (no families present) to determine their course of action and, eventually, discharge dates. My brother argued against the first discharge date chosen because figuring out the blood pressure connection, and the right combination of blood pressure meds, had eaten into the therapy time. This extended his discharge date by a few days, though as it turns out the insurance cut off weekend therapy, so he only got two more days of therapy as a result. But his last week went so well that we didn't see a need or justification for formally appealing his discharge date - an option that would have ensured a few more days of therapy no matter how the appeal was ultimately decided. When all was said and done he'd spent 21 days in the therapy unit, although he got a bit less therapy than he would otherwise have because of the holidays.

So my father is back in his own home now. I drove him here two days ago, and my involved brother met me here. I'm taking care of household stuff and setting up routines etc. while my brother is installing hand rails, grab bars, etc. My father cooperated in doing the exercises the physical therapists gave us yesterday, although we only did them once and will have to work up to doing them twice a day. We have to keep an eye on him because he wants to more on his own than he's ready to - any fall or major stumble at this point could be his last. We have an exciting excursion planned for today - a trip to his barber for a much-needed haircut and shave! My SIL has set up an on-line calendar so we can schedule our time here and ensure that there is always someone here for my father. We had our first visit from a home health nurse yesterday. Speech, occupational, and physical therapists to follow.

My father does tend to sleep a lot due to untreated sleep apnea, which gives us kids a few hours of down time each morning. However, we're trying to change that at least a bit. It's hard to get in enough nutrition, and the medicines and exercise he needs, when he doesn't get up until noon!

This will be my life for at least the next few months.

 

[Jambalaya]

VRBeauty, I am so sorry that your father's health has deteriorated and that it has been so stressful. And I'm really, really sorry about your friend. It leaves SUCH hole in your life, as bad as when family go. I lost my best friend last year and we had been friends since the Sixties, and I have lost quite a few other friends too. I wouldn't say I know exactly how you feel, but I have an inkling. 14 friends and family have died in the last few years. Makes you think.

I hope your father continues to improve. Just know, though, that particularly when someone is 86 and has been sick, people can die very suddenly. You say this will be your life for the next few months. Maybe so, but do prepare yourself for the worst. I don't mean to be the prophet of doom, but I have had this happen to me and it was such a total shock that I'm not sure I was ever really the same after, so I just wanted to help prepare others so they're not as flattened as I was when the person went so suddenly.

I cared for my elderly uncle over the holidays, who needs care every second he's not asleep - every drink, every snack - and he clings to me every second. This will make you laugh. He followed me bra shopping. BRA SHOPPING!! I thought it was a good way to get rid of him for 30 mins. But noooo!

 

[VRBeauty]

Jambalaya - thank you for your response and for sharing your thoughts.

You're absolutely right - I should know by now that there are no guarantees in life and yet I am assuming - and living as if - my father will be with us for a long time to come. I'm wishing I had said "I love you" more often and yet right here and now, when I have the chance to do so, I'm not. Thanks for that reminder.

Your uncle - bra shopping with you??? LOL!

 

[junebug17]

I'm so sorry to hear about your father's health issues VRBeauty - I'm sending lots of healing dust that he has a smooth recovery and shows improvement soon. My mother had a stroke 5 years ago and your experiences this past month are similar to what my family went through, so I empathize with you and understand how stressful and draining these past weeks have been. My brother and I take care of my mother in her home so if you ever have any questions, or just want to share what's going on, please don't hesitate! You and your brother are doing a wonderful job in providing help and support to your father.

I'm also very sorry about the loss of your dear friend, you've experienced a lot of loss recently and my heart goes out to you.

 

[CJ2008]

VRBeauty

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's issues.

He's so lucky to have such a caring daughter and son. You are a good daughter and even if you're not saying I love you as often as you feel it I am sure he feels it by your companionship and dedication.

I hope when the day comes for me I can look on this thread to inspire me to give more of myself.

 

[Sky56]

To make a long story short, we have spent a lot of the past 16 years taking care of ill, elderly loved ones. Some until death, the most recent family member, old and near death a year ago is now doing great after surgery. It is why I pop in and out of this forum very sporadically though it is my favorite forum. Challenging, creative, gratifying...and very difficult at times. Helped my mother, father, MIL. What kept me sane and centered through it was devoting time to myself while caregiving ie. When the loved one was sleeping at the hospital, I could be there and get plenty of my work or hobbies done, or go out and do things I wanted. Other family members helping too.

 

[Kelinas]

I'm in this situation now.
My mother was diagnosed with a very fast progressing, terminal stage 4 liver cancer on October 15th. She passed away on November 13th. She was only 60 years old, and fully took care of my 81 year old father.

Suddenly, I had my Korean family members urging me to place my father in a nursing home, telling me that the burden was too much for me to handle.
However, that was never an option- he was way too fragile after her death. Seeing how my only (full) brother suddenly became "mute", I offered to take care of him.

Me, the 28 year old, youngest child of my father's vast family which spans 7 children, 12 grandchildren (6 of whom are older than me) and by far, the least earning of everyone.

It's been a eye opening experience - I don't have children but I can Definately compare it to having a child - having no choice but to suck it up and take care of someone because they just aren't capable of doing so. I resented it so much the first week, felt like my life was over.

Then I remembered the first rule of being a caretaker for the elderly - empathy

I'm pretty effing sure that my dad would rather be in his home in Korea with my mother than with me in Florida.
I'm pretty sure that he's walking on eggshells not knowing what makes me upset.
I'm pretty sure that he doesn't want to be a burden on me.
Somewhere in the journey after losing my mother and feeling like a victim since my siblings all ignored the situation, I forgot that my father was the biggest victim.

Life is a bit easier now, and day by day, I realize it's the little things.
(My brother goes back and forth between whether he'll take my dad for half the year. Now that is frustrating)

 

[missy]

Sending good thoughts and hugs to all of you dealing with such challenging situations and heartbreak and I am inspired by your dedication, love and empathy.

VR I am keeping you and your dad in my thoughts and prayers and sending healing dust his way.

Kelinas, sweetheart you know I am thinking of you and your brother (make him do the right thing and if you need me to talk to him I will!) and your dad and sending lots of love and good wishes your way. XOXO.

 

[VRBeauty]

Kelinas: thank you for the reminder to make "empathy" my watch word. My father has been through a lot and, like yours, has lost a great deal in the past two years, not the least of which is his independence. But - please remember that this is about you, too, especially since your family isn't stepping up to help out. You have to take care of yourself in order to be able to help you father. I hope your father understands that balance, and is doing what he can to make things easier for you.

Because my father was discharged from a hospital into our care, our care of him is being checked out by a home health nurse and ultimately by my father's primary care physician. The home health nurse gave us an extensive resource list. It starts with adult protective services ( ) and includes the local agency on aging, meals on wheels, a caregiver support group, etc. Maybe you could see if there are similar resources in your community? I know all about not wanting to reach out for help - I doubt my brother and I would have (even though this thread, friends, etc. had made me aware of these sorts of resources ) if we hadn't been forced to because of his hospitalization. But I appreciate having the list, and one of these days we might even use it.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

I have thought about this topic all week-end as his mother is going to be 86 soon. She lived in the same neighborhood as we do and even tho she has three other sons {with wives}--her 2nd son died two years ago--we relies HEAVILY on the two of us.

I had no interaction with my bio parents and have no idea how much of a struggle aging was for them. My sister just died recently, before I had a chance to re-connect, so the whole aging family thing is something I've never really thought about UNTIL last year when she {MIL} had a bad flu and fell in her home and couldn't reach the phone for 5 hours. I found her, bruised and disoriented and called the ambulance, and got her to the ER. She was hospitalized for close to a week and needed round the clock care. We got her a "I've fallen and can't get up" button shortly she came home from the hospital
\
Long story short, she now has a check in schedule with us as follows: 10am she calls my husband, 1pm she calls me, 4 pm another son and 7:30 she calls my husband. If we don't hear from her, I have to go and check on her welfare.

So honestly, I get along with her fine, she calls me the daughter she never had, but it burns my bacon that he has three other brothers who are, to be charitable, quite willing to let my husband do all the heavy lifting in terms of day to day things, doctor appointments, home repairs, shopping. He will not have a come to Jesus meeting with them. And in the past year she has REALLY faded and become a bit confused. And while I do love her and appreciate all the help she has done for me in the past, I find myself biting my tongue when I am around the others. They joke about her absentmindedness and worries, but they are removed from the day to day difficulties she's encountering. Their attitude is "Well, R will calls us if it gets BAD"

 

[Kelinas]

VR -
I know It's about me too. It's why I'm trying to get my brother to take my father for 6 months (hell, I'd take 3 months at this point)
The agreement we came to ( and he has since become wishy washy on) was that my father would be with me in Florida from October - March and he would go to New York from April to September. This was decided on due to the weather and the fact that my brother said he wanted to spend time with my father also.
The other reason is - to give me a break from suddenly becoming a caretaker. I'm a quite spontaneous person but I feel as if I'm caged, and I can't do anything that I want to now.
At least with a break in between, I can relax and do things without worrying that my father is hungry or injured.

We have an appointment with the VA hospital soon, I'll get a list of resources from them, starting with an event that will allow him to socialize with people his own age.
Thanks for the idea. I've been so caught up and hate getting help from people.

 

[pregcurious]

My parents died in the same year. I took care of my mom, with support from my spouse. She died of cancer in 2 years from her diagnosis. At the end, we lived together. and at times it felt overwhelming, but not in a way that was unexpected. (I had experienced previous to this taking care of people of different ages, and knew it would be a lot of work.) I tried to embrace the experience, and I learned about about myself.

I have kids, and I feel overwhelmed sometimes too, and I think it's just that way having a dependent. I find taking care of the parents similar to taking care of children.

My dad died unexpectedly a few months after my mom. I wish I had been there for him.

Stay strong. I never regret taking care of my mom. She appreciated it so much, and I love her. I wish I had done more, and done things better. RIP Mom and Dad.

 

[Jambalaya]

VR -
I know It's about me too. It's why I'm trying to get my brother to take my father for 6 months (hell, I'd take 3 months at this point)
The agreement we came to ( and he has since become wishy washy on) was that my father would be with me in Florida from October - March and he would go to New York from April to September. This was decided on due to the weather and the fact that my brother said he wanted to spend time with my father also.
The other reason is - to give me a break from suddenly becoming a caretaker. I'm a quite spontaneous person but I feel as if I'm caged, and I can't do anything that I want to now.
At least with a break in between, I can relax and do things without worrying that my father is hungry or injured.

We have an appointment with the VA hospital soon, I'll get a list of resources from them, starting with an event that will allow him to socialize with people his own age.
Thanks for the idea. I've been so caught up and hate getting help from people.

Kelinas - I am so very sorry about your mother's death and the sudden burden of your father's care. You are so young to be dealing with this. In time, you will be able to remember your mother with sweet memories and feel her love and presence with you still. I know it was very recent so perhaps you're not there yet, but things will get better, I promise you. You still have all the love she gave you - it's yours to keep, forever.

About your brother becoming wishy-washy.....well, if there's one thing I've learned, some people will only do what they're made to do. You are just going to have to make your brother uphold his part of the agreement. He can't get out of it. He's your father's child, too, and you are 28 and I think single? If you want to date and have a life, you can't be your father's full-time caretaker for the next few years. It's not fair. You're so young and you deserve to have a life. You are going to have to hold your brother accountable. It's a pity if you have to go so far as insisting that he does his share, but I think if you don't insist, you might be stuck with the whole burden. I would not give in about this. He might be counting on you not sticking up for yourself, but if he's dragging his feet I would be vocal about how much you deserve to have a life. Make him do his duty, or you and your life will suffer. Unfortunately, you might have to dig your heels in with your brother, and that's a pity, but I think it will be worth it for you. I hope he's not too resistant or it might affect your relationship down the road, and I hope Bro realizes that. Can other family members make him see sense? Many hugs xxx

 

[Jambalaya]

My parents died in the same year. I took care of my mom, with support from my spouse. She died of cancer in 2 years from her diagnosis. At the end, we lived together. and at times it felt overwhelming, but not in a way that was unexpected. (I had experienced previous to this taking care of people of different ages, and knew it would be a lot of work.) I tried to embrace the experience, and I learned about about myself.

I have kids, and I feel overwhelmed sometimes too, and I think it's just that way having a dependent. I find taking care of the parents similar to taking care of children.

My dad died unexpectedly a few months after my mom. I wish I had been there for him.

Stay strong. I never regret taking care of my mom. She appreciated it so much, and I love her. I wish I had done more, and done things better. RIP Mom and Dad.

That's a beautiful story, Pregcurious. I am so sorry that you lost both your parents in the same year. How awful for you. You sound very wise to have embraced the experience and learned about yourself. You say you wish you had done more but I'm sure you did a beautiful job.

I took care of my parents too and found it a huge strain. I always thought it would be similar to having kids - I mean, my parents needed every meal, every snack, and every drink made for them as they refused to go anywhere near the kitchen. They wouldn't even make themselves a cup of coffee. They also relied solely on me for entertainment and refused to see anyone else. I think my parents were especially demanding in their old age though. So it's interesting to hear that you say it's like having kids. I imagine doing it for kids is more rewarding though. You get to see them grow, and you know you will have a much more equal relationship when they are adults and can look forward to that.

It sounds as if you did a grand job with your parents. You must miss them. Hugs xxx

 

[Kelinas]

I'm still in denial about my mother's passing. I know she passed away but it just doesn't seem real. I'm quite scared of the breakdown I'll have once it completely sinks in.

I'm 28 and divorced, just reentered the dating scene. My bf is pretty laid back with this situation but I've had literally no time to see him since I left for Korea in December, and it's driving meeee insane

I'm not above cheating. I've told my brother that I'll try his wife About his reluctance and I just may have to. Lucky for me, she absolutely adores my father and was quite upset that he chose to "go" with me - she doesn't know that her husband didn't chime in & she thinks it was solely my fathers choice.

Other family members cant help - they are all against him staying with me to begin with, and absolutely against him staying with my brother. It's sad

 

[Jambalaya]

Well, thank goodness your father has you, since other family members won't have him. You'll never regret looking after your parents.

I am so very sorry about your mom. I'm not surprised you're still numb. The mind lets in the reality only gradually, so we can cope with it. Losing a beloved mother is really hard. In all the grief literature I have read, they all say that if this person was truly significant to you, then the timespan to really feel better, to truly get back on your feet, is 2-3 years. This is also exactly what other people bereaved of an immediate family member have said when I have asked them about their own experiences. So don't expect too much of yourself too soon, or listen to people who feel you should be back to your old self in six months. I didn't start to really feel better after my own mom went until 21-22 months had passed, and I did a lot of work to feel better - bereavement counseling, an 8-week support group, and I read books about losing your parents. I also changed some elements of my social circle who were utterly insensitive to me during my worst times. I did come out of losing my mom as a different person in some ways. It' a profound, life-altering experience for a woman to lose a much-loved mother, in my opinion. But maybe it doesn't have to be a choice between denial or a complete grief breakdown. Perhaps it would suit you to grieve in smaller increments. Everyone is different. My heart goes out to you. I know people who are 68 and still have their moms. Heck, I know two people who are 75 and still have their moms! These things are just unfair and there really is no rhyme or reason to it. So many hugs xxx

 

[CJ2008]

How are you doing, VRBeauty? How is your dad?

 

[VRBeauty]

How are you doing, VRBeauty? How is your dad?

CJ - my father is doing better than anyone expected. He's regaining strength so well that his physical therapist wants him to start using a cane rather than a walker, and his speech therapist and ENT have cleared him to eat most any food. My brothers and sisters-in-law have worked it out so I got to spend two much-needed weeks in my own home. Among other things, that has given me some space to grieve my friend. I know that when I go back to my father's house this weekend I'll be there for at least ten days straight, but I think I'll be ready for that longish stint.

Thank you for asking!

 

[junebug17]

So happy to hear your father has made so much progress and is doing well VR, that is just so great! Enjoy your time at home!

 

[missy]

VRBeauty, so happy your dad is making excellent progress! Best wishes for continued improvement!