a sad vent

[bee*]

I wouldn''t think that the FI is a jerk either-it''s healthy to do things by yourself, with your own friends/family outside of the relationship. I can totally understand where the OP is coming from too, but I would like to have it clarified also-is it just four days per month that he usually sees his daughter? Maybe during the weekends that he is gone, you could go home and visit your family or get some friends to come out.

 

[Miranda]

I''m not exactly sure if you are looking for advice or just venting, but, here are my thoughts. I am unclear about how much time your FI is spending with his daughter. If it is only every other weekend I think it is a terrible, horrible, idea for him to send the kid to a babysitter so you guys can have couple time. He needs to make his daughter his first priority and, I''m sorry, but, that means above you. Try looking at it from this poor kid''s point of view who has already had her family and entire world torn apart. I''m sure there are very good reasons for their divorce and I''m not being critical of their choice. But, all involved grown ups need to be thinking of what is best for this child and not what is best for numero uno!

That said, I can totally understand how you are feeling. It takes a lot to date someone with children. It''s not for everyone. There''s nothing wrong with how you are feeling. I strongly suggest you reevaluate your relationship. Be sure this is something you really can and want to deal with forever. If you decide this is the thing for you, I''ll be really blunt here, you need to suck it up and make this child part of you because it is part of him and stop fussing because she''s around. You''ve got to change this attitude if you want this to work!

Good luck! I wish you the best.

 

[Cleo]

I just wanted to send you *hugs* and support & give you my take on it FWIW.

Whilst you knew the situation, ie. that you would have to move state, and that being with your FI would also mean spending time with his daughter (and sharing him with her) ... you couldn''t possibly know exactly what this would *feel* like, or how it would affect you until you were there living it.

(If it makes you feel any better, my best friend in England is the world''s most natural mother (although she doesn''t have children yet). Even she has struggled with sharing her future-FI with his daughter.. as much as she loves children. It''s a very hard thing to deal with).

I digress... what struck me as I read your post was that you sound a bit like I did & felt when I got post-natal depression when my son was 8 months old. I loved my baby, but I just wanted time alone with his daddy!

It kind of seems a bit like you got a version of post-natal depression. You''ve had to come to terms with (what''s effectively) motherhood... but with a child that isn''t yours, and without all the hormonal benefits & bonding you get from being the anticipation, pregnant, breastfeeding etc... all of which help to prepare you for that momentous event of sharing your life with a child - and all the demands which they bring.

I''m sure it''s a lot more complicated than that, but I figured it sort of makes sense & might help you to not be so hard on yourself over this. I would try & get some help if you can, and definitely talk to your FI about things.

Let him know you love his daughter & spending time with her, but that you do find it hard to share him, and that you cherish your time alone together at weekends - particularly since you left your friends/family behind. Let him know you feel hurt & upset that he''s planned other activities during ''your'' tme together, without talking with you first, and which don''t include you.

A lot of guys seriously just don''t even *think* about stuff like that - so he might be really shocked to know how upset you are. It doesn''t make him a bad person, just male.

x x x

PS. As a total aside, it''s great that you think he''s a wonderful father. It was my FI''s ability to be amazing with children & animals that I found really attractive too (that and him being really good looking & muscly! LOL!). I have a lot of friends who have children with men who are *useless* at being fathers... and their lives are tough. It''s like having two kids then, instead of one... as they''re having to look after both when their hubbies don''t lift a finger.

 

[HollyS]

I''m not even going to read the other posts; but offer my own viewpoint:

You are not a horrible person because you did not want ''instant'' family. You are not a horrible person because you don''t get enough free time with your SO. You are justified in your frustration, anger, disappointment, etc. From your point of view.

However, now is the time, before this relationship goes any further, to reevaluate your ''WHY'' and find out if you can get past your current emotions. If you cannot, you will poison this relationship and it will be over.

Now, to address the other issue:

1) You left your job, friends, home to ''play house'' with someone who did not make a commitment to you. His life didn''t change, except he has you to play ''weekend mom'' to his kiddo. What did he give up? What is he putting into the relationship? What are you getting from the relationship? Besides anger and frustration.

You don''t have to answer any of those questions; I just threw them out there for you to ponder.

Above all else, don''t settle for ''good enough'', especially if it isn''t really. You deserve much more than you''ve allowed yourself to imagine.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/13/2008 6:21:45 PM
Author: purrfectpear
He's a jerk because he wants to spend time with his dad? It's not like he's going out with the boys to gamble in Atlantic City. It's his dad (or it could be his mom, sister, whatever). He should be entitled to take a few days when he isn't committed to being a dad, for himself. They aren't joined at the hip. I totally get that OP is feeling insecure and lonely, but unless FI totally abuses (and two weekends away with dad don't sound abusive to me) the kid-free weekends, I don't really think it's FI's issue as much as the OP's clingyness.


Certainly she should calmly talk to him about her feelings but don't be surprised if he feels a little smothered to think that he must spend every other weekend being daddy, and every other weekend being with OP to the exclusion of any time away - just for him. Hopefully the two of you can find a place where each person in the relationship still has time for individual time away. It's never healthy to try to monopolize another person.

oh- now i am clingy and needy?? please purrfect, your comments are not welcome.. i do not want to hear it from you. you have made your point. i did recently move to the area. i do have friends in the area, and i am quite capable doing things on my own. i am also fine with him doing things with his dad... just that we are not going to spend any time together for almost 2 months straight (and yes, that is on the weekends) no, he is not a jerk- he is trying to be a good dad and a good partner to me. he and i sat down and had a talk this evening. its pretty overwhelming.. the changes that i have gone through in the past couple months.. new house, new fiance and new child- whom i love and adore very very much.

i don't really know what i wanted to achieve when i wrote this post. i was upset and feeling really guilty for feeling this way. my wonderful fiance has made me understand thati am allowed to feel overwhelmed and maybe a little jealous ...thank you for all your supportive responses.. it is greatly appreciated.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/13/2008 7:36:28 PM
Author: HollyS
I''m not even going to read the other posts; but offer my own viewpoint:


You are not a horrible person because you did not want ''instant'' family. You are not a horrible person because you don''t get enough free time with your SO. You are justified in your frustration, anger, disappointment, etc. From your point of view.


However, now is the time, before this relationship goes any further, to reevaluate your ''WHY'' and find out if you can get past your current emotions. If you cannot, you will poison this relationship and it will be over.


Now, to address the other issue:


1) You left your job, friends, home to ''play house'' with someone who did not make a commitment to you. His life didn''t change, except he has you to play ''weekend mom'' to his kiddo. What did he give up? What is he putting into the relationship? What are you getting from the relationship? Besides anger and frustration.


You don''t have to answer any of those questions; I just threw them out there for you to ponder.


Above all else, don''t settle for ''good enough'', especially if it isn''t really. You deserve much more than you''ve allowed yourself to imagine.

holly,,, he did make a commitment.. we are engaged!

 

[Lauren8211]

CBS, I just wanted to chime in and say that while your FI''s child(ren) may need to be a priority, you are going to be his wife, and you should not feel bad at all for wanting time with him! I know other posters mentioned that the kid should always come first, but I disagree (I mean this as far as time management goes). Step-families really need to incorporate boundaries that the children can''t just blow through. Children are VERY good and finding your weaknesses and manipulating them. If his daughter knows that she is more deserving of alone time than you are because of FI''s actions, rest assured, she will play that card. It''s especially important for you two to have a strong bond, and for his daughter to see that you''re important and you''re a priority too. I definitely think your concerns are extremely valid, and even though FI may feel guilty (it comes with most divorced parents), it''s good for her to see that you guys spend time together alone and happy.

Good Luck!

 

[beebrisk]

If I read your post correctly, your FI has his daughter for two weekends per month. You say he made plans with his dad for the two weekends this month that he doesn''t have his daughter. And this makes you cry?

Now, If I have the facts straight, we are talking about one month here...One month where two weekends are spent with child, and two weekends with your FI going away with his dad. Is one month really such as big deal that it causes you such stress and even sadness?

This is a man that you are planning on spending the rest of your life with...Surely you should be able to handle a month where you guys aren''t alone for a weekend. Don''t you have week days/nights alone together?

Honestly don''t get why this is a "Sad" vent for you. What''s sad about it?

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/13/2008 10:24:23 PM
Author: beebrisk
If I read your post correctly, your FI has his daughter for two weekends per month. You say he made plans with his dad for the two weekends this month that he doesn''t have his daughter. And this makes you cry?


Now, If I have the facts straight, we are talking about one month here...One month where two weekends are spent with child, and two weekends with your FI going away with his dad. Is one month really such as big deal that it causes you such stress and even sadness?


This is a man that you are planning on spending the rest of your life with...Surely you should be able to handle a month where you guys aren''t alone for a weekend. Don''t you have week days/nights alone together?


Honestly don''t get why this is a ''Sad'' vent for you. What''s sad about it?

It''s a sad vent because, like she explained, she''s feeling sad. She''s disappointed about lack of alone time with her FI, and I think she said it was 2 months, because after the first month she''ll have another 3 weeks with her the whole time? (I think I got that right).

I think it''s more than just not seeing him for some arbitrary amount of time. I think she''s feeling like FI is not meeting some of her needs, such as discussing his plans with her, or making her a priority when his daughter is around.

I''d be sad too if I didn''t have any weekend time with my FF for a month or two.

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/13/2008 10:49:22 PM
Author: elledizzy5


It's a sad vent because, like she explained, she's feeling sad. She's disappointed about lack of alone time with her FI, and I think she said it was 2 months, because after the first month she'll have another 3 weeks with her the whole time? (I think I got that right).

I think it's more than just not seeing him for some arbitrary amount of time. I think she's feeling like FI is not meeting some of her needs, such as discussing his plans with her, or making her a priority when his daughter is around.

I'd be sad too if I didn't have any weekend time with my FF for a month or two.

I actually don't think it has anything to do with how he acts when his daughter is around. She said earlier that she loves the weekends when she is there. I believe it has to do with his actions regarding their alone weekends... or lack there of.

FI and I live together and I can assure anyone, that weeknights are definitely not enough quality time, especially if you both work. Sometimes we are actually only awake around eachother 2 hours a day, and some of that time is decompressing from work.

 

[vita*dolce]

i agree with SDL, as usual!! you really need to talk to him about how you''re feeling, we don''t know either of you and we''re in no position to judge your feelings or your relationship!! the great thing about this forum is that it can help you sort out your feelings, but after you do that, you need to talk to your fiancee about the situation.

give yourself a little time to figure out how to approach things gracefully and then communicate with your fiancee about your feelings. he can''t try to find a resolution with you if he doesn''t know there''s a problem!

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 8/13/2008 10:49:22 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 8/13/2008 10:24:23 PM

Author: beebrisk

If I read your post correctly, your FI has his daughter for two weekends per month. You say he made plans with his dad for the two weekends this month that he doesn''t have his daughter. And this makes you cry?



Now, If I have the facts straight, we are talking about one month here...One month where two weekends are spent with child, and two weekends with your FI going away with his dad. Is one month really such as big deal that it causes you such stress and even sadness?



This is a man that you are planning on spending the rest of your life with...Surely you should be able to handle a month where you guys aren''t alone for a weekend. Don''t you have week days/nights alone together?



Honestly don''t get why this is a ''Sad'' vent for you. What''s sad about it?

It''s a sad vent because, like she explained, she''s feeling sad. She''s disappointed about lack of alone time with her FI, and I think she said it was 2 months, because after the first month she''ll have another 3 weeks with her the whole time? (I think I got that right).


I think it''s more than just not seeing him for some arbitrary amount of time. I think she''s feeling like FI is not meeting some of her needs, such as discussing his plans with her, or making her a priority when his daughter is around.


I''d be sad too if I didn''t have any weekend time with my FF for a month or two.

When the OP moved away from home to live with her FI she must have been fully aware that she would be sharing her FI with his daughter--now and forever.

When a child is involved, each of the people raising that child (and the OP did say she is a part of raising his daughter) are going to sacrifice. The OP, her FI and his Ex. Sacrifice comes with the territory. Although I don''t know them, I''d go out on a limb here by saying that FI and Ex have done their fare share of sacrificing...OP is not alone here.

So now FI wants (needs?) to spend 2 weekends with his dad and there''s actual ''sadness'' about it?

Okay, I understand a bit of disappointment with this immediate situation, but sadness, anxiety and even tears???

All couples love spending time alone together. But add a child into the equation and alone time usually becomes a luxury, not the norm.

 

[Miranda]

Date: 8/13/2008 9:40:38 PM
Author: elledizzy5
CBS, I just wanted to chime in and say that while your FI''s child(ren) may need to be a priority, you are going to be his wife, and you should not feel bad at all for wanting time with him! I know other posters mentioned that the kid should always come first, but I disagree (I mean this as far as time management goes). Step-families really need to incorporate boundaries that the children can''t just blow through. Children are VERY good and finding your weaknesses and manipulating them. If his daughter knows that she is more deserving of alone time than you are because of FI''s actions, rest assured, she will play that card. It''s especially important for you two to have a strong bond, and for his daughter to see that you''re important and you''re a priority too. I definitely think your concerns are extremely valid, and even though FI may feel guilty (it comes with most divorced parents), it''s good for her to see that you guys spend time together alone and happy.

Good Luck!

You''re kidding right? This poor kid gets her dad for two measly weekends a month during which time she has to SHARE him with the OP. They can''t get their couple time in during the other 25 or 26 days a month? I mean...Seriously.....

 

[ImpatientOne]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I was a single Mom for a really long time and did not start dating again until my kids were pretty much grown (the youngest was 15). I decided from the jump that I would not become involved with anyone who had small children, or any children who were younger than mine. I realized that was not the type of relationship I would be happy with. I raised my kids and was almost done - I didn't want to deal with raising kids, even on a part time basis. I ended up marrying a man with no children.

I hope you are able to compromise with your bf as far as your free weekends. Perhaps he did not realize how upset you'd be?!

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 8/13/2008 11:36:01 PM
Author: Miranda

Date: 8/13/2008 9:40:38 PM

Author: elledizzy5

CBS, I just wanted to chime in and say that while your FI''s child(ren) may need to be a priority, you are going to be his wife, and you should not feel bad at all for wanting time with him! I know other posters mentioned that the kid should always come first, but I disagree (I mean this as far as time management goes). Step-families really need to incorporate boundaries that the children can''t just blow through. Children are VERY good and finding your weaknesses and manipulating them. If his daughter knows that she is more deserving of alone time than you are because of FI''s actions, rest assured, she will play that card. It''s especially important for you two to have a strong bond, and for his daughter to see that you''re important and you''re a priority too. I definitely think your concerns are extremely valid, and even though FI may feel guilty (it comes with most divorced parents), it''s good for her to see that you guys spend time together alone and happy.


Good Luck!

You''re kidding right? This poor kid gets her dad for two measly weekends a month during which time she has to SHARE him with the OP. They can''t get their couple time in during the other 25 or 26 days a month? I mean...Seriously.....

What Miranda said. Times 2.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 8/14/2008 12:00:52 AM
Author: beebrisk

Date: 8/13/2008 11:36:01 PM
Author: Miranda

Date: 8/13/2008 9:40:38 PM

Author: elledizzy5

CBS, I just wanted to chime in and say that while your FI''s child(ren) may need to be a priority, you are going to be his wife, and you should not feel bad at all for wanting time with him! I know other posters mentioned that the kid should always come first, but I disagree (I mean this as far as time management goes). Step-families really need to incorporate boundaries that the children can''t just blow through. Children are VERY good and finding your weaknesses and manipulating them. If his daughter knows that she is more deserving of alone time than you are because of FI''s actions, rest assured, she will play that card. It''s especially important for you two to have a strong bond, and for his daughter to see that you''re important and you''re a priority too. I definitely think your concerns are extremely valid, and even though FI may feel guilty (it comes with most divorced parents), it''s good for her to see that you guys spend time together alone and happy.


Good Luck!

You''re kidding right? This poor kid gets her dad for two measly weekends a month during which time she has to SHARE him with the OP. They can''t get their couple time in during the other 25 or 26 days a month? I mean...Seriously.....

What Miranda said. Times 2.

Exactly. If this was their daughter together, there would be very, very little "couples" time because their child would live with them 24/7. This little girl is the one making the sacrifices. The adults should just deal. Not saying that OP shouldn''t share her concerns with FI, I think it''s always a good idea to communicate.

 

[Cleo]

Date: 8/14/2008 12:00:52 AM
Author: beebrisk

Date: 8/13/2008 11:36:01 PM
Author: Miranda
You''re kidding right? This poor kid gets her dad for two measly weekends a month during which time she has to SHARE him with the OP. They can''t get their couple time in during the other 25 or 26 days a month? I mean...Seriously.....

What Miranda said. Times 2.

Heyyyy, steady on.

The OP posted here because she was feeling sad and wanted some support - and I really don''t think this is helpful.

It''s not anyone else''s place to judge whether or not she should feel sad, or feel she needs more alone time with her FI. Perhaps it''s me, but I just feel that a post like this deserves some understanding & support - not personal criticism.

This is a difficult situation for the OP and it can''t have been easy for her to post here with such honesty about her feelings. I would hope that if I ever needed to post on a public forum to get help and support, that I wouldn''t be responded to with post like the ones above - no matter what the circumstances.

Just a thought.

x x x

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 8/13/2008 2:22:13 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/13/2008 2:08:58 PM

truthfully, the daughter and i have a really great relationship. i speak to her on the phone every night that she is not with us and we do things together -just the two of us- every time she is with us... i am very aware that i am having a hand in raising her and i am thrilled with that concept.. i feel like if i want to have a weekend with my fiance and i verbalize that- than i am being very selfish and it makes me look terrible...

I don't think you are selfish at all. It takes a lot of effort to raise your own child, let alone someone elses, and it is great to hear that you are really forming a genuine relationship with this little girl - she will love you for it, really truly.

It's hard for biological parents to adjust to the day-in, day-out realities of child rearing - and that's when they have planned for, and grown into, parenthood.
I sometimes wish I had my man to myself, just for a minute, a day, a weekend!
To be able to sleep in, have a kiss and cuddle, watch what we want on tv, go to live music, skip the park date on sundays, the list goes on...

hah, do I sound happy?! I am!

Don't be hard on yourself. Why is your man going away the two free weekends in a row? Is it a special occasion, or a seasonal activity, such as fishing? Perhaps you can schedule weekday dates, and a special little trip away on your next free weekend!
Just think, unlike me, you get some days off, every month! now that's parenting! lol

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 8/14/2008 12:43:07 AM
Author: Cleo

Date: 8/14/2008 12:00:52 AM

Author: beebrisk

Date: 8/13/2008 11:36:01 PM

Author: Miranda

You''re kidding right? This poor kid gets her dad for two measly weekends a month during which time she has to SHARE him with the OP. They can''t get their couple time in during the other 25 or 26 days a month? I mean...Seriously.....

What Miranda said. Times 2.

Heyyyy, steady on.


The OP posted here because she was feeling sad and wanted some support - and I really don''t think this is helpful.


It''s not anyone else''s place to judge whether or not she should feel sad, or feel she needs more alone time with her FI. Perhaps it''s me, but I just feel that a post like this deserves some understanding & support - not personal criticism.


This is a difficult situation for the OP and it can''t have been easy for her to post here with such honesty about her feelings. I would hope that if I ever needed to post on a public forum to get help and support, that I wouldn''t be responded to with post like the ones above - no matter what the circumstances.


Just a thought.


x x x

As you said, the OP posted "with such honesty about her feelings". Very true.

And I will speak only for myself when I say I responded with my honest opinion on the subject...even if it''s not what she wanted to hear.

It''s amazing to me how any real and critical assessment of a situation is considered "judgmental" by so many.

If the OP (or any OP for that matter) doesn''t want dissenting opinions, and just wants a pat on the back, then I would tell her a public forum is not the place to vent.

"Support" comes in many varieties but it''s worthless unless it''s honest.

 

[Cleo]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:14:02 AM
Author: beebrisk

As you said, the OP posted ''with such honesty about her feelings''. Very true.

And I will speak only for myself when I say I responded with my honest opinion on the subject...even if it''s not what she wanted to hear.

It''s amazing to me how any real and critical assessment of a situation is considered ''judgmental'' by so many.

If the OP (or any OP for that matter) doesn''t want dissenting opinions, and just wants a pat on the back, then I would tell her a public forum is not the place to vent.

''Support'' comes in many varieties but it''s worthless unless it''s honest.

I think if the OP had asked for opinions.. or indeed *anything*.. I would say that your comments were fair enough.

However, she posted because she was feeling sad, and her post was simply an outlet to those feelings. A vent.

People *have* posted in support & sympathy and have offered advice, even though it was not asked for.. and I think that shows the spirit and feeling amongst the Pricescope community that they will stand in support of another member and try to help them when they are down. I also believe that those PSers have also posted in a spirit of honesty.

I respect your right to your opinion, but I cannot see how sharing such an opinion in these circumstances can possibly help.

x x x

 

[cbs102]

I never once said ANYTHING about this sweet little girl not being a #1 priority. in fact, she is and will remain the #1 priority in both of our lives... i wrote this post out of sheer frustration. am i allowed to feel frustrated and upset... maybe a little jealous of time spent away.?. and the answer to that is yes. I am entitled to feel however i feel without certain people judging me. I did not ask advice.. although i thank most of you for your honesty and heartfelt advice.

i am not a parent. i would like to be one day.. but for now and for the rest of her life, i am a step mother of a beautiful young girl.. i DID know that he had a daughter right off.. i did not however realize how very difficult and emotional it can be. how could i possibly know what it would be like? i am trying to get used to this new area and have a house, future husband, and a daughter all at the same time. i am emotional and when he made plans with his dad those weekends i DID get sad.. i will not be sorry about how i feel. i needed an outlet to express my feelings and try to work through them so that they would not ever surface when the step daughter was around. her feelings and how she is adjusting come way before mine. i did not ask for a pat on the back nor did i ask for your snide remarks. sometimes i feel like CERTAIN people troll this site ready to pounce.

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 8/14/2008 6:28:53 AM
Author: cbs102
although i thank most of you for your honesty and heartfelt advice.

i did not ask for a pat on the back nor did i ask for your snide remarks. sometimes i feel like CERTAIN people troll this site ready to pounce.

Sorry, don''t think anyone here "pounced". Put your stuff out there in a public way and people will react. The beautiful thing about PS is that you will get all kinds of "honest and heartfelt advice"...even if it isn''t all quite what you wanted to hear.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 8/14/2008 7:18:34 AM
Author: beebrisk

Date: 8/14/2008 6:28:53 AM
Author: cbs102
although i thank most of you for your honesty and heartfelt advice.

i did not ask for a pat on the back nor did i ask for your snide remarks. sometimes i feel like CERTAIN people troll this site ready to pounce.

Sorry, don''t think anyone here ''pounced''. Put your stuff out there in a public way and people will react. The beautiful thing about PS is that you will get all kinds of ''honest and heartfelt advice''...even if it isn''t all quite what you wanted to hear.

I think there is a difference between ''honest and heartfelt advice'' and being downright nasty or unkind. I really wish people would read their post back before they click on submit.

I know all about tough love. There isn''t always a need for it though. Sometimes just saying ''hey I understand you are upset and send you a hug'' might be better than posting a harsh message when someone is already upset.

 

[Cleo]

Date: 8/14/2008 7:18:34 AM
Author: beebrisk

Sorry, don''t think anyone here ''pounced''. Put your stuff out there in a public way and people will react. The beautiful thing about PS is that you will get all kinds of ''honest and heartfelt advice''...even if it isn''t all quite what you wanted to hear.

With the greatest respect, I really fail to see how posting "What Miranda said. Times 2." can be considered honest and/or heartfelt advice, nor construed as even remotely helpful or constructive.

x x x

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 7:18:34 AM
Author: beebrisk

Date: 8/14/2008 6:28:53 AM
Author: cbs102
although i thank most of you for your honesty and heartfelt advice.

i did not ask for a pat on the back nor did i ask for your snide remarks. sometimes i feel like CERTAIN people troll this site ready to pounce.

Sorry, don''t think anyone here ''pounced''. Put your stuff out there in a public way and people will react. The beautiful thing about PS is that you will get all kinds of ''honest and heartfelt advice''...even if it isn''t all quite what you wanted to hear.

no one really felt the need to "pounce" but you. i don''t really think that you are reading what i am saying. i never said that she was not a priority.. it actually has nothing to do with her. i have a great relationship with this kid and i am proud of that. relationships between step parents and children are very difficult. we are really working through all of this as a family.

that said, i was upset with my fiancee. no there is nothing wrong with him wanting to spend time with his father- in fact i often suggest that they do things together... but he knows very well that i am adjusting to this new place and our time alone is a great stress reliever. yes we do live together and see each other on the week days but we both work long hours and by the time we both get home and eat dinner.. it is time for bed.

i did not ask for comments and i did not only want kind comments. i think that you are rude and very inconsiderate. you do not know me. you do not know my situation. you pick apart a simple post and try to read between the lines to try to figure me out. please stop. my fiance and i are working this all out. you are not making it better. in fact, your negativity makes me sick.

 

[HollyS]

Sorry, I missed the engagement part. So how are things progressing in that area? Are you happy with the progress of this relationship?

If you are committed to making this work, you must be completely honest with your FI, about your frustrations, fears, and feelings; because he's operating as if you're completely OK with all of his decisions. If you are to be a 'stepmom' to his daughter, and his wife, he needs to at least consult you before he books the next several holidays and weekends. He's no longer allowed to be autonomous.

If he doesn't know how you feel, how is he going to adjust his thinking to include you in the process? If you love each other, and are honest with each other, this rough patch will smooth out over time. It will just takes some honest communication.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 7:56:34 AM
Author: HollyS
Sorry, I missed the engagement part. So how are things progressing in that area? Are you happy with the progress of this relationship?

If you are committed to making this work, you must be completely honest with your FI, about your frustrations, fears, and feelings; because he''s operating as if you''re completely OK with all of his decisions. If you are to be a ''stepmom'' to his daughter, and his wife, he needs to at least consult you before he books the next several holidays and weekends. He''s no longer allowed to be autonomous.

holly-
yes we got engaged a little over a month ago... and i cannot stress enough. he is an amazing guy.. very kind and wants so much for me to be happy here and desperately wants us to grow together as a family. there are issues in every relationship... this is ours. the whole thing with his dad upset me because that is so not in his character... he is simply not inconsiderate. we spoke at length last night... i always knew that holidays were going to be hard because his family and child are here.. and my fam is far away... i would never ask him to give up a holiday with his daughter.. nor would i want to be away from her either... we are working on solutions that will work for us. and we are both so committed to making it work. i did not give up my job, family and overall life to move here and give up.

thank you so much for you advice though.. it was neither snide nor rude.. and it is appreciated.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/14/2008 8:08:44 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 7:56:34 AM
Author: HollyS
Sorry, I missed the engagement part. So how are things progressing in that area? Are you happy with the progress of this relationship?

If you are committed to making this work, you must be completely honest with your FI, about your frustrations, fears, and feelings; because he''s operating as if you''re completely OK with all of his decisions. If you are to be a ''stepmom'' to his daughter, and his wife, he needs to at least consult you before he books the next several holidays and weekends. He''s no longer allowed to be autonomous.

holly-
yes we got engaged a little over a month ago... and i cannot stress enough. he is an amazing guy.. very kind and wants so much for me to be happy here and desperately wants us to grow together as a family. there are issues in every relationship... this is ours. the whole thing with his dad upset me because that is so not in his character... he is simply not inconsiderate. we spoke at length last night... i always knew that holidays were going to be hard because his family and child are here.. and my fam is far away... i would never ask him to give up a holiday with his daughter.. nor would i want to be away from her either... we are working on solutions that will work for us. and we are both so committed to making it work. i did not give up my job, family and overall life to move here and give up.

thank you so much for you advice though.. it was neither snide nor rude.. and it is appreciated.

You''re welcome. I made an edit to my post above.

Things will be okay. It natural and normal to have doubts and frustrations when you are going through a major life change like this one. Don''t allow anyone to beat you up over legitimate feelings, and don''t feel guilty because of them. You have to be honest with yourself, before you can be honest with your FI. And being completely real with each other is the only way these relationships last forever.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/14/2008 12:39:15 AM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 8/14/2008 12:00:52 AM
Author: beebrisk

Date: 8/13/2008 11:36:01 PM
Author: Miranda

Date: 8/13/2008 9:40:38 PM

Author: elledizzy5

CBS, I just wanted to chime in and say that while your FI's child(ren) may need to be a priority, you are going to be his wife, and you should not feel bad at all for wanting time with him! I know other posters mentioned that the kid should always come first, but I disagree (I mean this as far as time management goes). Step-families really need to incorporate boundaries that the children can't just blow through. Children are VERY good and finding your weaknesses and manipulating them. If his daughter knows that she is more deserving of alone time than you are because of FI's actions, rest assured, she will play that card. It's especially important for you two to have a strong bond, and for his daughter to see that you're important and you're a priority too. I definitely think your concerns are extremely valid, and even though FI may feel guilty (it comes with most divorced parents), it's good for her to see that you guys spend time together alone and happy.


Good Luck!

You're kidding right? This poor kid gets her dad for two measly weekends a month during which time she has to SHARE him with the OP. They can't get their couple time in during the other 25 or 26 days a month? I mean...Seriously.....

What Miranda said. Times 2.

Exactly. If this was their daughter together, there would be very, very little 'couples' time because their child would live with them 24/7. This little girl is the one making the sacrifices. The adults should just deal. Not saying that OP shouldn't share her concerns with FI, I think it's always a good idea to communicate.

I'm sorry if you thought my response was a joke (Miranda, not bee, I just quoted this whole item though), but like I said in my second post, I have a feeling that this has more to do with with the FI not meeting her needs, rather than just taking time away from the daughter.

And yes, I do feel like it's important that children of divorced families see that the "New" mom counts. Sometimes if you don't put this barrier in, the child knows that the new wife always comes second. I guess as a child of divorce, I think it's important that your life at your secondary custodial home runs like a real home. Not just a bunch of fun time with dad. It makes dad more of a friend, than a parent.

This is my speaking from personal experience.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/13/2008 4:03:12 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/13/2008 3:51:53 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You're right. You are being a wee bit selfish. Sorry, but the daughter comes first. Now everyone can debate till the cows come home whether that is fair, correct, right, or whatever. None of that debate will change the fact that the kid was there before the girlfriend, and the majority of single parents will always put their children first.

In fact I remember posting exactly this to someone in the last couple of months who was debating a relationship with a guy who had kids.

Been there, done that. Those kiddie weekends are typically graven in stone. Get used to it, or get used to being unhappy and having disagreements.

honestly pear.. if you have not been in this situation, than you simply do not know.... i may come across as 'selfish' but i am not. i have given up my entire life for this man .. and this man's child. Yes, the child comes first. my relationship however will not suffer. my parents got babysitters.. why can't we? just because he was married before and has a child does not mean that he and i will be put on the back burner.. i was really asking whether i am entiteled to these feelings and from what i have read thus far..i am.

we are also not unhappy. we are over the moon happy and this is an issue that needs to be worked on. it will not be the be all end all

I haven't read through all of the other posts but this one in particular really concerns me.

You say you gave up your entire life for this man and this man's child.

That's no way to speak of your soon to be husband. You should never give up your entire life for anyone. Your partner is supposed to enrich your life, not take away. I understand that when you do something for someone, you would "expect" the same in return but that's not always the case. Just because you changed your life to be with him, that doesn't mean he's going to change his. And assuming he's a jerk or whatever as others have said is unfair to him because he was honest with you from the beginning. He told you he was a dad and this was his schedule.

I can see how scheduling time with dad would bother you but it really shouldn't. The same way you feel entitled to spend alone time with your FI is the same way he is entitled to spend time doing his own thing.

As I said in my previous post, I think the whole situation is worse for you because you are in a new city and still getting familiar with everything and perhaps don't have the type of support you would usually get when you were in your own hometown. And honestly, you are not in high school anymore where the only time you got to enjoy yourself was on the weekend. There's still plenty of stuff you can do with your FI throughout the week.

I also agree with elledizzy in that I think this is more about your FI not meeting your needs or perhaps even some unrealistic expecations you set for this relationship that perhaps now you are realizing cannot be met.