FMIL is a B*tch

[PearlDahhhling]

I''ve always felt very accepted by FI''s huge family, with one exception: his mother. FI is adopted and the first child and only son, so his mom has a HUGE attachment to him, which is understandable, but it has always made me feel as though she dislikes me because I''ve "taken him away". She hasn''t ever really seemed truly happy for us in any stage of our relationship and although she''s never come right out and said anything, I''ve never felt like she''s liked me. She''s told FI that she likes me, loves me even, but I''m not buying it.

Here''s a lovely example of things she does to give me this impression. Last Christmas was our first Christmas living together. We are renting an adorable house that we got all decorated and ready for the holidays. His extended family hadn''t seen our house yet and so we figured that Christmas Eve would be a great time! During Thanksgiving I spoke to FMIL about FI and I throwing an xmas eve party at our place and inviting the whole family (aunts, uncles, cousins etc. they all live in the area). She went along with it, saying it was a great idea and that she would let the rest of the family know. Now Christmas day is always at her house. The whole family does a Secret Santa thing and everyone ends up over there in the afternoon/evening and we exchange presents and have Christmas dinner. She loves being the hostess and being the center of attention. So she obviously didn''t want me stealing her thunder on Christmas eve, because when it rolled around, only FI''s parents, sister, and aunt and uncle showed up. When I asked why no one else was there, FMIL stated that she had invited everyone but that they already had XMAS eve plans and were sad they couldn''t make it, but we''d see them all the next day! So I just brushed it off and believed her. Christmas day, we''re at their house, and as everyone arrives I let them know that I was disappointed that they couldn''t make it to our party, but maybe another time. Not a single person I talked to even knew that we were having an xmas eve party. When I confronted FMIL about it, she flat out lied.

That is just one example of how I''ve gotten competitive, non-liking vibes from her. Now lets move on to tonight...

So, FI and I recently got engaged (last Thursday) and we hadn''t told his family yet because we go to their house almost every Sunday so we thought it would be good to wait and tell them in person. His aunt and uncle and their toddler live right down the street from his parents so it''s usually a get together with all of us for dinner on Sundays. So today we head on over there and his parents, sister, aunt and uncle and their kid, and his cousin were all there. Great! So we announced our engagement to them all while we were there. They all congratulated us and said how happy they were for us and it seemed like everything was great! Then I was in the kitchen alone with FMIL and she said "Well I knew ahead of time that you two were going to get engaged, so I had some time to process it." Okay.. Why is there anything to "process"? Whatever. I didn''t really let that bother me. But then, as we were leaving to come home, his mom gives me a hug and says "Bye daughter" so I laugh and say "Bye mother". She gives me this look and says "Oh my God don''t you EVER call me that! I am not your mother. You HAVE a mother and it''s certainly NOT me!" I was stunned. I had no idea what to say so I just walked out and got in the car. Thank goodness I have a good man cause when FI got in the car, he was

. He said that his mother was WAY out of line and that he is going to have a talk with her. He didn''t at the moment because the rest of the family was standing right there and it wasn''t really the time for a big scene, but he''s going to call her. He said that he was going to tell her that if he ever said anything like that to me again, that we weren''t going to go over there anymore and that I''m his family now and that he isn''t going to put up with that.

Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest. It made me feel awful and I just needed to vent. I mean, she has NO reason to not be happy for us. Or not to like me for that matter. I have never given her a reason to have any negative opinion of me. I mean, when I''m not being emotional about it I do realize that it''s not personal, and that she''s just crazy and attached to her son. But it still hurt.

Thanks for reading, if anyone actually got through that whole thing.

 

[WishfulThinking]

I''m sorry you had to deal with that Pearl. Your FMIL sounds especially hard to handle because from what you''ve described, she is sort of erratic in her behavior; she seems receptive, and then turns around and says or does something disrespectful or nasty.

It is so awesome that your FI is willing to stand up to his mother, though. That is really the best approach, being nice and friendly and presenting a united front.

I understand the FMIL unwilling to part with her precious oldest child scenario... my FMIL is the same way, and it really sucks. It has taken her about 6 months to get used to our engagement, and she is now excited about the wedding and helping to plan. Hopefully with enough time your FMIL will come around as well.

Good luck, and congrats on the engagement!

 

[blondebunny]

oh man I am soooo sorry.....I dont get it.. why say bye daughter when she didnt want u to call her mom?!?!? Man, I woulda just been completely stunned...and just stared at her... but geez... atleast your FI is standing up for you and is going to talk to his mom..

Hope the wedding plans are going good!! oh and btw your ring is gorgeous!

 

[DMBFiredancer]

Date: 8/11/2008 1:54:07 AM
Author: blondebunny
oh man I am soooo sorry.....I dont get it.. why say bye daughter when she didnt want u to call her mom?!?!? Man, I woulda just been completely stunned...and just stared at her... but geez... atleast your FI is standing up for you and is going to talk to his mom..

i was thinking the same exact thing! jeez! so sorry you had to deal with that. thankfully you have an awesome FI - thats always the most important thing. remember that

 

[honey22]

Wow, she sounds like a real charmer. I don''t even know what to say, but sending you hugs anyway. Try and not let her get to you, and remember, one day you may just have to pick her nursing home, so karma might just come rolling around for the witch.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 8/11/2008 2:03:45 AM
Author: DMBFiredancer

Date: 8/11/2008 1:54:07 AM

Author: blondebunny

oh man I am soooo sorry.....I dont get it.. why say bye daughter when she didnt want u to call her mom?!?!? Man, I woulda just been completely stunned...and just stared at her... but geez... atleast your FI is standing up for you and is going to talk to his mom..

i was thinking the same exact thing! jeez! so sorry you had to deal with that. thankfully you have an awesome FI - thats always the most important thing. remember that

Ditto, I am so sorry you have to deal with this but being the eternal optimist I am your new FI sounds so lovely and supportive of your needs and is there to help you fight the battles as they come together . I hope he can help smooth things over and you can all move on.

 

[bee*]

Date: 8/11/2008 2:03:45 AM
Author: DMBFiredancer

Date: 8/11/2008 1:54:07 AM

Author: blondebunny

oh man I am soooo sorry.....I dont get it.. why say bye daughter when she didnt want u to call her mom?!?!? Man, I woulda just been completely stunned...and just stared at her... but geez... atleast your FI is standing up for you and is going to talk to his mom..

i was thinking the same exact thing! jeez! so sorry you had to deal with that. thankfully you have an awesome FI - thats always the most important thing. remember that

ditto-why did she say bye daughter if she didn''t want you to reciprocate with bye mother-strange!

 

[Independent Gal]

Maybe you''re misinterpreting things. It may be time to try building a relationship and opening up with her a little more.

For instance, do you understand the family dynamics well enough to know what was behind her not inviting everyone over to your place (which, by the way, was YOUR & FI''s job, not hers)? All kinds of things could have been behind that that have nothing to do with competitiveness.

The mother/daughter comment was weird, but again, could easily have been a misunderstanding.

Huge swathes of unhappiness in various kinds of relationships result from miunderstanding peoples'' motives. I strongly suggest that you try to be open and polite with her and see if you can clear some things up. For instance, you could say:

"We don''t want to step on your toes, and we know you usually host christmas, so is there anything we should know before throwing another xmas eve party next year?" She may surprise you and say something like "I can''t stand cousin Z, [OR "I get so exhausted dealing with large groups" etc.] so it would be so much nicer if we can make xmas eve just about our immediate family!"

And you could say:

"I noticed you didn''t like it when I called you mother the other day, I just want you to know how thrilled I am to be one of the family now and from now on I''ll call you whatever makes you most comfortable!" then she''s bound to clear up what made her feel icky.

I call my IL''s "FIL" and "MIL" in their language, and they call me "DIL" in my language. They think it''s cute! Like a running joke.

 

[PearlDahhhling]

Date: 8/11/2008 8:45:48 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Maybe you''re misinterpreting things. It may be time to try building a relationship and opening up with her a little more.


For instance, do you understand the family dynamics well enough to know what was behind her not inviting everyone over to your place (which, by the way, was YOUR & FI''s job, not hers)? All kinds of things could have been behind that that have nothing to do with competitiveness.


The mother/daughter comment was weird, but again, could easily have been a misunderstanding.


Huge swathes of unhappiness in various kinds of relationships result from miunderstanding peoples'' motives. I strongly suggest that you try to be open and polite with her and see if you can clear some things up. For instance, you could say:


''We don''t want to step on your toes, and we know you usually host christmas, so is there anything we should know before throwing another xmas eve party next year?'' She may surprise you and say something like ''I can''t stand cousin Z, [OR ''I get so exhausted dealing with large groups'' etc.] so it would be so much nicer if we can make xmas eve just about our immediate family!''


And you could say:


''I noticed you didn''t like it when I called you mother the other day, I just want you to know how thrilled I am to be one of the family now and from now on I''ll call you whatever makes you most comfortable!'' then she''s bound to clear up what made her feel icky.


I call my IL''s ''FIL'' and ''MIL'' in their language, and they call me ''DIL'' in my language. They think it''s cute! Like a running joke.

Oh gosh... I knew there was going to have to be a response like this... Can''t you just let a girl vent?

I know that none of this was a misunderstanding. FI have been together for three years and have spent a great deal of time over at his parents house. That would have to be a hell of a lot of misunderstandings. I only gave you two out of the probably hundreds of instances where she has made me feel unwelcome. She really is just competitive and rude.

As for intiving people for xmas, she offered to take care of it because she has everyones numbers and knows them all a hell of a lot better than I do, so I didn''t view it as my job to invite them since she offered. And she had no other reason not to invite anyone. Their family gets along extremely well, and she LOVES dealing with large groups.

And personally, I don''t think that I should have to work any harder than I already do to be accepted by her. I am ALWAYS sweet and kind and polite and I have been accepted by every single other person in their family.




As for everyone else that responded, thank you for your kind words. That was really what I was looking for with this post, and I appreciate it. <3

 

[fieryred33143]

I think that you have to understand that “letting go” of children is never easy. My FI was 26 (26!!!) when he and I moved in together. Before then he was living at home with his parents. His mom loves me, this I know but she still had a hard time with it. I think you need to cut her some slack in that department. It isn’t easy.

Now, the XMAS thing was partly your fault. If you are going to throw a party, you need to extend the invites yourself. That was more of a “first time throwing a big party” mistake and not a big deal but that’s something to think of for next time.

I don’t think your FMIL sounds like a b*tch at all. I think she’s just dealing with mother losing son anxiety. I’m sorry you’re going through that but I would let your FI deal with her for now. If she continues, then talk to her yourself. I’m a firm believer in defending yourself and if she’s going to be in your life forever, you can’t have FI run to your rescue every time she’s being “mean.” It''ll get easier because it does sound like she has a good relationship with her son and it does sound like you are part of the family.

 

[dockman3]

Pearl,

This is a tough place to be in. I know because my mother is exactly the same as your FMIL and my FF is hesitant about getting engaged until things are cleared up a bit. And when I say exactly the same, I mean exactly. We''ve been together for 4.5 years now and my parents are down pretty regularly to see us. FF gets along with everybody else in my family, but for some reason, my mom does whatever she can to make FF feel unwelcome. Things finally came to a head and I had to sit down with my mom while I was home a few weekends ago and we had a huge multiple hour knock-down drag-out fight that somewhat cleared the air, at least between me and my mom. I was able to explain to her that my FF is going to be a part of the family now and she has to get used to it. It wasn''t easy to do and this week is going to be the first time that my mother and my FF are going to see each other since that fight I had with her, so we''ll see how things go.

I have a feeling that its going to get harder before it gets easier. Your FI is going to have to sit his mother down and have a long chat about things and she''s not going to start being nice overnight. But if you two work at, you can end up having a normal relationship and hopefully she won''t be as competitive anymore. But its going to take work on her part and YOUR part. Your FI can help, but you are going to have to talk to her too. The 4 of us, my parents and me and FI, are sitting down for dinner later this week to hash things out a bit and see if we can''t all just get along. Maybe you need a night like that to clear the air and sort of start over, now that you are officially going to be part of the family.

Whatever you end up doing, I hope it turns out alright. I know its tough, but just hang in there. And remember that this can be really tough on you FI. I don''t know what his relationship is like with his mother, but having that fight was tough for me, so just be conscious of his feelings in all of this too. He''s stuck in the middle between the two most important women in his life, and that''s not a fun place to be. Good luck, and I hope things turn out well.

 

[Efe]

Date: 8/11/2008 9:16:45 AM
Author: fieryred33143

I think that you have to understand that “letting go” of children is never easy. My FI was 26 (26!!!) when he and I moved in together. Before then he was living at home with his parents. His mom loves me, this I know but she still had a hard time with it. I think you need to cut her some slack in that department. It isn’t easy.

I think you should listen to fiery because she is spot on. Just as you and FI''s lives are going to forever change, so is her''s regarding her relationship with her son. She is no longer the most important woman in his life, as is the way it should be. Most mothers know that intellectually, but tell that to our hearts. My DIL sent me a card after they got engaged, thanking me for being so welcoming to her and saying that she understood how, while I was very excited for them, it was going to be a transition for me. I really appreciated her insightfulness.

 

[lliang_chi]

I think IndyGal was just trying to see things from your FMIL's side. No one was there but you, and while it still sucks and we all feel for you, I think it's fair for someone to try to weigh in on the FMIL side. Engagements & marriages are large adjustments. We're not there with you so we don't know what's going on, I guess there's just some of us here that will provide some view points on the otherside. Sometimes (I'm not saying this time) we *are* being irrational and emotional etc. It helps to have ppl like IndyGal trying to read the other side.

Good luck with the IL. Maybe she just needs to get used to the idea of her son getting married. Like I said, it's a big adjustment. I'm hoping she'll come around. Till then you've got a great FI that stands up for you.

 

[Sabine]

Pearl, it really stinks that your fmil is making you feel this way, but I just wanted to say that I don''t think Independent Gal was trying to insult your or make you feel like your feelings weren''t valid with her post. It sounded to me like she was just trying to offer advice on something different you could try since it seems like just being yourself (which should be enough) isn''t working to win her over, and it sounds like you WANT things to change, so if that''s true, you might want to try a new tactic. I know talking to fmil openly about how she makes you feel could be really awkward and painful, but crazy as this sounds, she might not have any idea what she''s doing/how she''s making you feel. Until you ask her why she''s doing these things flat out, it''s difficult to tell if she really doesn''t like you, or if she''s dealing with other issues.

I think having your FI talk to her is a good idea, but I think it''s important that he keep his tone/demeanor from being accusatory at this time, and instead just try to get her to open up, something like, "Mom, Pearl was really hurt when you said this, so we wanted to figure out what you meant by it." But it might also help to bring you two closer if you talk to her yourself.

Either way, good luck!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 8/11/2008 9:06:45 AM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 8/11/2008 8:45:48 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Maybe you''re misinterpreting things. It may be time to try building a relationship and opening up with her a little more.


For instance, do you understand the family dynamics well enough to know what was behind her not inviting everyone over to your place (which, by the way, was YOUR & FI''s job, not hers)? All kinds of things could have been behind that that have nothing to do with competitiveness.


The mother/daughter comment was weird, but again, could easily have been a misunderstanding.


Huge swathes of unhappiness in various kinds of relationships result from miunderstanding peoples'' motives. I strongly suggest that you try to be open and polite with her and see if you can clear some things up. For instance, you could say:


''We don''t want to step on your toes, and we know you usually host christmas, so is there anything we should know before throwing another xmas eve party next year?'' She may surprise you and say something like ''I can''t stand cousin Z, [OR ''I get so exhausted dealing with large groups'' etc.] so it would be so much nicer if we can make xmas eve just about our immediate family!''


And you could say:


''I noticed you didn''t like it when I called you mother the other day, I just want you to know how thrilled I am to be one of the family now and from now on I''ll call you whatever makes you most comfortable!'' then she''s bound to clear up what made her feel icky.


I call my IL''s ''FIL'' and ''MIL'' in their language, and they call me ''DIL'' in my language. They think it''s cute! Like a running joke.

Oh gosh... I knew there was going to have to be a response like this... Can''t you just let a girl vent?

I know that none of this was a misunderstanding. FI have been together for three years and have spent a great deal of time over at his parents house. That would have to be a hell of a lot of misunderstandings. I only gave you two out of the probably hundreds of instances where she has made me feel unwelcome. She really is just competitive and rude.

As for intiving people for xmas, she offered to take care of it because she has everyones numbers and knows them all a hell of a lot better than I do, so I didn''t view it as my job to invite them since she offered. And she had no other reason not to invite anyone. Their family gets along extremely well, and she LOVES dealing with large groups.

And personally, I don''t think that I should have to work any harder than I already do to be accepted by her. I am ALWAYS sweet and kind and polite and I have been accepted by every single other person in their family.




As for everyone else that responded, thank you for your kind words. That was really what I was looking for with this post, and I appreciate it. quote]
There are always some familial dynamics to overcome when becoming engaged, so it''s not that I don''t understand where you are coming from. I mean, the stereotype of an "in-law" came from somewhere, right? All families have their own habits, communication styles, traditions, drama, so trying to seamlessly mesh yourself into those is nearly impossible. But your response to Indy seemed very defensive.

1. You said you only gave us 2 out of hundreds of instances where she made you feel uncomfortable and I do agree that the "don''t call me mother" comment is ridiculous, but is this the only comment she''s made that is "over the line" enough to warrant a conversation with her?

2. You didn''t view it as your responsibility to invite family members to your Christmas Eve party because she offered? Chalk that one up to "I should have known better and invited people to my own party myself". Lesson learned.

3. You don''t have to work harder to be accepted by her. You are all adults and you can set your boundaries accordingly. If you and your FI decide that not seeing her as often works best for you, then that is what you''ll do. Either she accepts you or she doesn''t, that''s her decision. Attempting to have a good relationship with her, however, is not for her benefit. It''s for yours.

I hope you guys can figure out a solution that works for all of you--developing a relationship with the in-laws that works for all of you isn''t always easy, but many times it''s worth it (at least it was to me).

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Oh Pearl, I''m sorry to hear about your FMIL being a bit of a wench.

Sometimes its hard for Moms to let go of their sons...my MIL said to me, when we announced our engagement "I don''t want to lose my son"...which was a hard thing to hear, because I''d never ever divide their family. My MIL have an odd dynamic as well...she doesn''t love me/doesn''t hate me...and I feel very much the same way about her. We''ve had a rough go. And I made the decision to stop going balls out to make our relationship perfect...instead I let her be her, and I''m me. If she doesn''t ever love me, that is okay. I''ll always be the best wife I can be...I''ll always make her son happy, and care for him...I will give her beautiful grandchildren and raise them to have a strong moral fiber...but if she doesn''t like me, I will live with that. Round pegs don''t ever fit in square holes.

Now, my best advice from a girl who has been down this road:

I would just always try to remember that you''re both in love with the same man. That, for as long as he''s been alive, she''s been his number one girl....and now he''s taking a wife, so the dynamic has changed. He''ll look to you now, where in the past, he would have looked to her. Thats tough on a Mom. But, no matter what your personal feelings are, you cannot divide them. Your fiance saw for himself the "look" she shot you, and it hurt him...he will see things and hear things and draw his very own conclusions without you stirring the pot. It can be very easy to run to your FI and bad mouth his mom (because frankly she sounds like a trip)...but it''s harder to just say "such & such hurt my feelings today...I want to bond with her...what should I do?". If you talk down about his mom, you''ll only putting him in a rough place, he''ll never be able to choose between you. Always, always, always come from a place of progress.

And Remember, you do have a mom. So you''re not looking for a replacement. If, eventually, you two can become close and have a wonderful mother/daughter dynamic...that would be perfect. But if that never happens, you have to know that you always tried.

 

[aprilcait]

Date: 8/11/2008 9:06:45 AM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 8/11/2008 8:45:48 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Maybe you're misinterpreting things. It may be time to try building a relationship and opening up with her a little more.


For instance, do you understand the family dynamics well enough to know what was behind her not inviting everyone over to your place (which, by the way, was YOUR & FI's job, not hers)? All kinds of things could have been behind that that have nothing to do with competitiveness.


The mother/daughter comment was weird, but again, could easily have been a misunderstanding.


Huge swathes of unhappiness in various kinds of relationships result from miunderstanding peoples' motives. I strongly suggest that you try to be open and polite with her and see if you can clear some things up. For instance, you could say:


'We don't want to step on your toes, and we know you usually host christmas, so is there anything we should know before throwing another xmas eve party next year?' She may surprise you and say something like 'I can't stand cousin Z, [OR 'I get so exhausted dealing with large groups' etc.] so it would be so much nicer if we can make xmas eve just about our immediate family!'


And you could say:


'I noticed you didn't like it when I called you mother the other day, I just want you to know how thrilled I am to be one of the family now and from now on I'll call you whatever makes you most comfortable!' then she's bound to clear up what made her feel icky.


I call my IL's 'FIL' and 'MIL' in their language, and they call me 'DIL' in my language. They think it's cute! Like a running joke.

Oh gosh... I knew there was going to have to be a response like this... Can't you just let a girl vent?

I know that none of this was a misunderstanding. FI have been together for three years and have spent a great deal of time over at his parents house. That would have to be a hell of a lot of misunderstandings. I only gave you two out of the probably hundreds of instances where she has made me feel unwelcome. She really is just competitive and rude.

As for intiving people for xmas, she offered to take care of it because she has everyones numbers and knows them all a hell of a lot better than I do, so I didn't view it as my job to invite them since she offered. And she had no other reason not to invite anyone. Their family gets along extremely well, and she LOVES dealing with large groups.

And personally, I don't think that I should have to work any harder than I already do to be accepted by her. I am ALWAYS sweet and kind and polite and I have been accepted by every single other person in their family.




As for everyone else that responded, thank you for your kind words. That was really what I was looking for with this post, and I appreciate it. quote]


Pearl, I know you're upset but I have to say that Independent Gal was just trying to help. You might not be ready to hear (read) what she had to say but she was offering some pretty sound advice. The problem with your FMIL will keep persisting if no further communication between you and FMIL takes place. The situation may appear cut-and-dry but there is likely a surprising amount of miscommunication going on. There's almost always gray area, even when everything appears to be black and white.

Let me say that I wouldn't want to be in your situation. I'm sorry you're having to face such stress during what should be a truly happy time. Still, the problem won't go away by simply venting without seeking resolution, and vilifying your FMIL without truly trying to understand her side or communicate with her (even though I understand the temptation to do so... it's human nature).

 

[princesss]

Firstly, I''m really sorry you''re going through a rough time, Pearl. It''s rough when you want to be accepted and it seems like no matter what you do, it doesn''t work.

However, I really think you should listen to Indy. People''s motivation for things is rarely simple. I''d be very surprised if there weren''t multiple emotions warring inside your FMIL''s mind and heart right now, just as there are several warring inside your own. This is not just an adjustment time for you and your FI, it is one for your families as well.

It may help if you do acknowledge that you understand that she may have a rougher time than expected. Don''t act like you understand *what* she''s feeling, but maybe make her aware that you understand that this isn''t a simple time for her, but that you''d really like to make sure things are as great as they could be between you two. They may never be perfect. She may never love you. But focus on making the best out of things.

I understand you wanted to vent, but that rarely solves problems. It can often close you off to new ways of understanding a situation.

I do agree that the mother/daughter comment was really odd, and very rude (especially in public). And I''m thrilled your FI understood how hurtful it was and is planning on tackling it with his mother. That''s a great thing. You have a wonderful FI. Your relationship with him sounds fantastic. If nothing else, you''re going to have him forever. That''s incredibly exciting.

Best of luck with this. I truly hope it gets better.

 

[risingsun]

Another option, at this point, might be for you and your DF to sit down with FMIL together. She needs to know that her behavior is hurting both you and her son. She also needs to realize that this is not about you and her...it''s about you as a couple and your ongoing relationship with her. She has much to lose if she continues on this way. As far as the Xmas eve party, that was a no win situation. She offered to help with the invitations. If you made the calls yourself, she would have been insulted that you didn''t trust her to follow through. FMIL sounds quite passive-aggressive and her behavior will be difficult to predict. A talk may or may not result in change, but it will put the cards on the table. Try not to have unrealistic expectations. Oh, and do ask her what she would like you to call her....I have a few suggestions, but they would not be very helpful. Your local, resident therapist

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

sounds like this mom may be - uh i dunno - mentally ill? she seems f-ed up.

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 8/11/2008 9:06:45 AM
Author: PearlDahhhling

Date: 8/11/2008 8:45:48 AM

Author: Independent Gal

Maybe you're misinterpreting things. It may be time to try building a relationship and opening up with her a little more.



For instance, do you understand the family dynamics well enough to know what was behind her not inviting everyone over to your place (which, by the way, was YOUR & FI's job, not hers)? All kinds of things could have been behind that that have nothing to do with competitiveness.



The mother/daughter comment was weird, but again, could easily have been a misunderstanding.



Huge swathes of unhappiness in various kinds of relationships result from miunderstanding peoples' motives. I strongly suggest that you try to be open and polite with her and see if you can clear some things up. For instance, you could say:



'We don't want to step on your toes, and we know you usually host christmas, so is there anything we should know before throwing another xmas eve party next year?' She may surprise you and say something like 'I can't stand cousin Z, [OR 'I get so exhausted dealing with large groups' etc.] so it would be so much nicer if we can make xmas eve just about our immediate family!'



And you could say:



'I noticed you didn't like it when I called you mother the other day, I just want you to know how thrilled I am to be one of the family now and from now on I'll call you whatever makes you most comfortable!' then she's bound to clear up what made her feel icky.



I call my IL's 'FIL' and 'MIL' in their language, and they call me 'DIL' in my language. They think it's cute! Like a running joke.

Oh gosh... I knew there was going to have to be a response like this... Can't you just let a girl vent?


I know that none of this was a misunderstanding. FI have been together for three years and have spent a great deal of time over at his parents house. That would have to be a hell of a lot of misunderstandings. I only gave you two out of the probably hundreds of instances where she has made me feel unwelcome. She really is just competitive and rude.


As for intiving people for xmas, she offered to take care of it because she has everyones numbers and knows them all a hell of a lot better than I do, so I didn't view it as my job to invite them since she offered. And she had no other reason not to invite anyone. Their family gets along extremely well, and she LOVES dealing with large groups.


And personally, I don't think that I should have to work any harder than I already do to be accepted by her. I am ALWAYS sweet and kind and polite and I have been accepted by every single other person in their family.





As for everyone else that responded, thank you for your kind words. That was really what I was looking for with this post, and I appreciate it. <3

Wow, Pearl. That was pretty rude and uncalled for. I was trying to offer helpful advice. Which is what we do around here. You're always welcome to take or leave advice, as we all do around here. But to actually be rude to me because I offered some ideas, taking the time to think about and respond to your situation in case it might be helpful to you, that's really not on.

 

[Courtneylub]

I posted a thread about my MIL a while back and I got some responses that were just suggesting I look outside the box and see where she''s coming from. At first, I got a little defensive because I felt I knew that she was out of line and being crazy and it''s difficult for PSer''s to know the level of those things. I do think they were only trying to help and make me feel better though.

I agree, your response to Indi Gal was rude. Her post was nothing but nice.

 

[doodle]

you may think you know for a fact that there''s been no miscommunication, but it only takes one time to send someone an impression that may make them view you differently forevermore. look at this thread as an example--you got defensive with indy because it''s a sensitive subject for you, and as a result, how many people have jumped in to defend her because they felt you crossed a line? of those people, there''s a chance that your reaction could lead to those people never replying to any of your threads for fear of you doing the same to them, but at the time you posted, did you consider that possibility? i''m not attacking you for that post, btw, merely using it as an example of how little it takes to make someone treat you differently. i don''t think anyone''s trying to say that you''re the one in the wrong in the situation with your FMIL. however, if you want the situation to change, you need to do something about it; maybe she really isn''t aware of how she''s making you feel--she never will be if you don''t let her know, though. she has good reason to feel a bit threatened by you--your FI sounds like a really great guy, and as others have said, she very likely feels like you''re stepping into her shoes. you don''t have to kiss her @$$ to try to work things out--just keep in mind that you''re always going to have to deal with her and the better that relationship is, the easier it''ll be for everyone, especially your FI. good luck with everything--i wish you and your FI every happiness, and i hope things work out for the best!

 

[Steel]

Pearl,

Congratulations on your engagement, you must be very excited.

I am not surprised at your response to Indy''s comments. Based on my own experiences, I do not agree with her point of view but it is a valid point of view, and while I would have thought what you wrote, I would not have written it in a response. That said, I feel that you are a little emotional about all of this which is entire understandible - so I would cut you some slack. This is my 0.02

Now on to the mother in law. I have not spoken to my MIL since DH and I were wed so I am not an expert on smoothing things over - perhaps I should have listened to Indy''s advice myself

. I have a very strict line with people, I do not allow gray areas. You are with me or against me. This policy is bad but it the one I have got. I am very very very pleased that your FI is supportive of you. He deserves a big old pat on the back for that. You know the situation better than us - are you thinking she is a witch and not likely to be on your list of "10 people to invite to the holiday of a lifetime you just won on the radio" or are you feeling this is teething problems? In other words at the moment (things may change) is she going to be with you or against you?

If it is teething then get your FI to wade in and see what he can see. Is his mom just adjusting, does she need some attitude adjusting?
Do you just need to learn to be civil and get along. If so do not be jokey do not try too hard don''t bother, if all you get is a kick in the face!- if at all, just get though the family functions come home and pour something expensive and bubbly into a glass.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 8/11/2008 12:01:21 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
sounds like this mom may be - uh i dunno - mentally ill? she seems f-ed up.

I don''t get this at all.

What was it that happened that makes Pearl''s FMIL mentally ill?

I agree with Risingsun and others. Your FMIL offered to help with the invitations. Not letting her do so may have hurt her feelings. Next time, if you take it upon yourself to invite others to your home, that might be a good way to avoid getting hurt. Asking your FMIL what she''d like to be called may be a good idea.

From what you wrote, Pearl, I can see you''re upset. From the examples you wrote though, I honestly can''t say that anything sounded really b*tchy...to me, anyway. I''m sorry she''s getting to you.

 

[Steel]

ETA: Why didn''t you and FI invite his family yourseves to your Chtistmas Eve bash? I thought that was odd. Were you being nice and did you want FMIL to feel included? If so see previous post about not bothering.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/11/2008 1:15:13 PM
Author: Steel


Now on to the mother in law. I have not spoken to my MIL since DH and I were wed so I am not an expert on smoothing things over - perhaps I should have listened to Indy''s advice myself

.

That makes me really sad

It''s not too late to listen to the wise words of Indy

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay....to quote Will Ferrel in Anchorman...this escalated quickly...

First of all, Pearl...you opened yourself up when you put your business out there. You''re going to get flip sides of the coin. You''ll have the people who rally behind you and want to torch the old ladies house down to the ground. And then you''ll get the diplomatic bunch (think: Independent) who want to make sure you see things from another prespective. It can be hard to hear things you don''t want to...getting defensive is easy to do. There have been times (believe me!) where Independent weighed in on one of my issues/vents/questions and I thought her response was wayyyy off base, but I try to keep an open mind, some of the things I don''t want to hear have helped me in the end.

Now, in your defense...it''s really easy for everyone to take 10 minutes and weigh in on your issue. But this is your life and clearly you''re very hurt over this situation. We''re all on the outside, you''re on the inside. You should be defensive, and you should be selective when it comes to what advice you take and what advice you dismiss...because, we turn off our computers and walk away....this is your reality and how you go about preceeding will literally change your life forever.

Best of luck, dear.

 

[Steel]

Date: 8/11/2008 1:24:11 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 8/11/2008 1:15:13 PM
Author: Steel


Now on to the mother in law. I have not spoken to my MIL since DH and I were wed so I am not an expert on smoothing things over - perhaps I should have listened to Indy''s advice myself

.

That makes me really sad

It''s not too late to listen to the wise words of Indy

Honestly, It makes us very sad too. It is very hard to be without support. Yes, it is too late for us. That was my point. Sometimes you have to say enough and protect yourself and your new family. We made our choice and live with it through every hard time (lot of them) and every joy - alone together.

I was suggesting to Pearl that she must make her own choices with FI but two of those choices include the bearest civility to her FMIL and also removal of contact. They are last resorts and NOT pretty but they are there.

 

[blondie23]

Date: 8/11/2008 8:45:48 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Maybe you're misinterpreting things. It may be time to try building a relationship and opening up with her a little more.

For instance, do you understand the family dynamics well enough to know what was behind her not inviting everyone over to your place (which, by the way, was YOUR & FI's job, not hers)? All kinds of things could have been behind that that have nothing to do with competitiveness.

The mother/daughter comment was weird, but again, could easily have been a misunderstanding.

Huge swathes of unhappiness in various kinds of relationships result from miunderstanding peoples' motives. I strongly suggest that you try to be open and polite with her and see if you can clear some things up. For instance, you could say:

'We don't want to step on your toes, and we know you usually host christmas, so is there anything we should know before throwing another xmas eve party next year?' She may surprise you and say something like 'I can't stand cousin Z, [OR 'I get so exhausted dealing with large groups' etc.] so it would be so much nicer if we can make xmas eve just about our immediate family!'

And you could say:

'I noticed you didn't like it when I called you mother the other day, I just want you to know how thrilled I am to be one of the family now and from now on I'll call you whatever makes you most comfortable!' then she's bound to clear up what made her feel icky.

I call my IL's 'FIL' and 'MIL' in their language, and they call me 'DIL' in my language. They think it's cute! Like a running joke.

I COMPLETELY understand what it's like having a difficult MIL, but I'm going to have to DITTO Indy on this one. She gave you some very sound advice and also some great things you could say to her when she says things that you find offensive.

Things finally changed for me when I realized she was truly afraid of letting go and losing control of her son. I can't control her actions, only my reactions and you can do the same. Next time she does something that bothers you, politely tell her how you feel and move on. Just my $.02.