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strmrdr

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A TALE OF TWO BAKERS
Two bakers lived in a small town. They were highly competitive, but both had many customers. This changed when one baker bought a new bread slicing machine that cut four loaves at once. He could serve people faster, so he soon got all the business in the town. The other baker was forced to close. The second baker went to the first and asked, "How were you able to get all the business in town? It seems that you got lucky all of a sudden." The first baker replied, "I''m not sure. I think it has something to do with the four-loaf cleaver I found."
 

Madam Bijoux

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Strmrdr, your joke reminds me of this attorney joke: An attorney came to town and set up her practice. She was the only attorney in town and nobody came to her office. One month later, a second attorney moved into the town and set up her practice. Both of them are quite busy now.

I hope everything is going well with you.
 

Skippy123

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oh no.

Okay, here is another silly joke.

What did the snail say to the turtle as he was riding on the turtles back?

Whoa, slow down you are going to fast.

I can''t believe I am putting this in here.
 

Skippy123

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I think we are the cheesy ones here at PS. hee heee
 

strmrdr

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Date: 1/16/2007 10:46:58 PM
Author: Skippy123
I think we are the cheesy ones here at PS. hee heee
 

mercoledi

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What did the zero say to the eight?

Hey- where did you get that belt!
 

wifey2b

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Just something about that :} that makes you smile and want to see... giggle...maybe I am the only one affected by it...giggle
 

sevens one

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Did you hear about the butcher that backed into his meat slicer?

He got a little behind in his work!
 

Skippy123

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24,299
What do you call a fake noodle?

An in-pasta.
 

strmrdr

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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could
no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell
me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn''t it wonderful? I was walking through
the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that
it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven''t had the flu all
winter."
 

strmrdr

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Messages
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A man in Chicago called his son in New York and said, "I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. After 45 years, I''ve had enough of her." The son said, angrily, "What are you talking about?" The father said, "I''m tired of talking about this, so you call your sister in Los Angeles and tell her." The son called the sister, who exploded. She calls her parents and screams, "You are not getting divorced. I''ll be there tomorrow with my brother. Don''t do anything until we get there." And then she slammed down the phone. The man hung up, turned to his wife and said, "OK, they''ll be here for Thanksgiving. Now what about Christmas?"
 

LittleRock

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May 19, 2005
Messages
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How do you get a handkerchief to dance???? U put a little BOOGIE in it!



O.K. it must be getting late for me.....
 

monarch64

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My favorite ever:

From "Pulp Fiction:"
Mommy tomato, daddy tomato and baby tomato went for a walk.

Daddy tomato had had enough and all of a sudden he turned around and went

STOMP!

KETCHUP!

Is it wrong?
 

strmrdr

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Messages
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Date: 1/20/2007 1:28:26 AM
Author: monarch64
My favorite ever:

From ''Pulp Fiction:''
Mommy tomato, daddy tomato and baby tomato went for a walk.

Daddy tomato had had enough and all of a sudden he turned around and went

STOMP!

KETCHUP!

Is it wrong?
yes LOL!
 

diamondfan

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Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
Here''s a really dumb one but I cannot get it out of my head:

What is green and sings?



ELVIS PARSLEY!

(I better not quit my day job!!!)
 

ellaila

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Messages
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Date: 1/17/2007 10:09:34 AM
Author: mercoledi
What did the zero say to the eight?

Hey- where did you get that belt!
That actually made me laugh out loud


Oldies but goodies:

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me!"

(Did I really just post these?
)
 

Ellen

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Date: 1/20/2007 2:28:30 AM
Author: diamondfan
Here''s a really dumb one but I cannot get it out of my head:

What is green and sings?



ELVIS PARSLEY!

(I better not quit my day job!!!)
No, don''t! lolol





Why do mermaids wear seashells?

Because B''s are too small and D''s are too big.
 

galeteia

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Date: 1/20/2007 10:23:41 AM
Author: Ellen


Why do mermaids wear seashells?


Because B''s are too small and D''s are too big.
Hahahahaha!!! Oh god, I actually think this is really funny...
 

Ellen

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Date: 1/20/2007 4:52:34 PM
Author: Galateia


Hahahahaha!!! Oh god, I actually think this is really funny...
Hey, I actually laughed at Diamondfan''s, a lot. Don''t feel bad.
 

Skippy123

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These are too funny!!! MORE MORE MORE. I am a super cheese ball!!!
 

strmrdr

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Messages
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Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:


A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I''d like to find out if a family member is doing better."


The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient''s name and room number?"


"Sarah Finkel, room 302."


"I''ll connect you with the nursing station."


"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"


"I''d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."


"Are you a family member?"


"Yes, Yes I am.."


"Hold on.. let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she''s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!"


The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that''s fantastic... that''s wonderful news!"


The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?"


"Neither!I''m Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY ever tells me anything!"

 

strmrdr

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Joined
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Messages
23,295

The Curtain Rods


She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,crates and suitcases.


On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.


On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.


When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.


She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.


When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.


Then slowly, the house began to smell.


They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.


Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.


Air fresheners were hung everywhere.


Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.


Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...


Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...


Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.


A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.


Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.


The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.


She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...


Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.


A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......including the curtain rods.


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON''T YOU??

 

strmrdr

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
23,295
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife''s monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow''s butt. That''s when I made my big mistake."


"What did you do?" asked the doctor.


"Well, I lifted the cow''s tail and yelled to my wife, ''Hey, this looks like yours!''" I don''t remember much after that.....

 

Ellen

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Messages
24,426
^^ LOL! First one''s funny cuz it''s true.
 

Kaleigh

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Messages
29,570
Date: 1/20/2007 7:30:09 PM
Author: strmrdr

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:



A woman called a local hospital. ''Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I''d like to find out if a family member is doing better.''



The voice on the other end said, ''What is the patient''s name and room number?''



''Sarah Finkel, room 302.''



''I''ll connect you with the nursing station.''



''3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?''



''I''d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.''



''Are you a family member?''



''Yes, Yes I am..''



''Hold on.. let me look at her records... Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she''s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, looks like Dr. Cohen is going to send her home very soon!''



The woman said, ''What a relief! Oh, that''s fantastic... that''s wonderful news!''



The nurse said, ''From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a sister or perhaps an aunt..?''



''Neither!I''m Sarah Finkel in 302!.. and NOBODY ever tells me anything!''

LOL, so true!!!!
 
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