shape
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lumpkin

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If atheletes have athelete''s foot, what to astronauts have?

Mistle toe.
 

Garry H (Cut Nut)

Super_Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
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Messages
18,550

A MAN was sprawled across three entire seats in a theatre and the usher said to him "Sorry, sir, but you''re only allowed one seat".


The man groaned but didn''t budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir," the usher said, "if you don''t get up from there I''m going to have to call the manager."


Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher, who turned and marched back up the aisle in search of his manager.


In just a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.


Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.


Finally, they called the police.


The cop surveyed the situation.


"Mate, what''s your name?"


"Barry," the man moaned.


"Where do you come from?" the cop asked.


"The balcony."
 

strmrdr

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Joined
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Messages
23,295
A man went to a pet store to get a fish. As he was looking around the store, he noticed a strange, brightly colored fish. He asked the owner what the fish was called. “That’s a parrot fish,” said the owner. “It sings like a bird.” The man was incredulous. The owner sensed the man’s hesitancy and told him he could bring the fish back if he wasn’t satisfied. About a week later, the man returned to the store to return the fish. The store owner asked him why. The man replied, “You were right. The fish can sing. But, he’s horribly off key, and it is just too difficult to tuna fish.”
 

Ellen

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Date: 2/17/2007 8:11:14 PM
Author: strmrdr
A man went to a pet store to get a fish. As he was looking around the store, he noticed a strange, brightly colored fish. He asked the owner what the fish was called. “That’s a parrot fish,” said the owner. “It sings like a bird.” The man was incredulous. The owner sensed the man’s hesitancy and told him he could bring the fish back if he wasn’t satisfied. About a week later, the man returned to the store to return the fish. The store owner asked him why. The man replied, “You were right. The fish can sing. But, he’s horribly off key, and it is just too difficult to tuna fish.”
omg
9.gif


Gary''s taxi driver joke was good too.
 

Skippy123

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Joined
Nov 24, 2006
Messages
24,300
Date: 2/18/2007 8:50:19 AM
Author: Ellen

Date: 2/17/2007 8:11:14 PM
Author: strmrdr
A man went to a pet store to get a fish. As he was looking around the store, he noticed a strange, brightly colored fish. He asked the owner what the fish was called. “That’s a parrot fish,” said the owner. “It sings like a bird.” The man was incredulous. The owner sensed the man’s hesitancy and told him he could bring the fish back if he wasn’t satisfied. About a week later, the man returned to the store to return the fish. The store owner asked him why. The man replied, “You were right. The fish can sing. But, he’s horribly off key, and it is just too difficult to tuna fish.”
omg
9.gif


Gary''s taxi driver joke was good too.
oh no. You guys are too funny!
 

strmrdr

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
23,295
The captain of a Spanish pirate ship was proud of his dog. The dog would bark once for “si” and twice for “no.” Then one day, the ship was captured by the British. The British captain taught the dog the same trick in English. That’s how it became the first “si” and “aye” dog!
 

Kaleigh

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Messages
29,571
Date: 2/24/2007 10:38:54 PM
Author: strmrdr
The captain of a Spanish pirate ship was proud of his dog. The dog would bark once for “si” and twice for “no.” Then one day, the ship was captured by the British. The British captain taught the dog the same trick in English. That’s how it became the first “si” and “aye” dog!
Aye, that''s sooooo bad it''s funny.
3.gif
 

Skippy123

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 24, 2006
Messages
24,300
For Garry Cut Nut

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can''t figure out how to get it started."


Her boyfriend asks,"What is it supposed to be when it''s finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it''s a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.


She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we''re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says,"Second, I want you to relax. Let''s have a nice cup of tea, and then ..... "
He sighed................"Let''s put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
 

Madam Bijoux

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 15, 2005
Messages
5,388
Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked
with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome
here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."


And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and
who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even
when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are
and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."


And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he
wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."


And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and
loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass tha t an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and
preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog
has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well"


And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them
and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of
their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into
Cat''s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.


And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased .
;
And Dog was happy.


And Cat didn''t care one way or the other.
 

dmbfan

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 1, 2005
Messages
188
this is funny...
 

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merrijoy

Shiny_Rock
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Sep 8, 2006
Messages
369
Date: 1/21/2007 3:11:49 PM
Author: Dee*Jay
Someone just sent this to me and I have no idea why I thought it was so funny!!!

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a ''drop off'' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?







Get your drunk a$$ off the merry-go-round.
I don''t know how I missed these...I love this one, the hospital one, and the 0 asking the 8 where she got the belt. I am ROFL!

M
 

strmrdr

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 1, 2003
Messages
23,295
King Arthur’s castle was under attack by a fearsome dragon. He called for his best knight to slay the dragon. But all of the horses were frightened. The best mount they could find was an arthritic, one-eyed Great Dane. King Arthur looked at the dog and said, “I’ll kill the dragon myself. I wouldn’t send a knight out on a dog like this.”
 
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