‘Failure to Launch’ - What Did/Do You Do?

[CHRISTY-DANIELLE]

@SandyinAnaheim My husband is the only one of his siblings that finished college and has a professional career. His biggest fear is that our son is turning out like my husbands older brother..he is 59 and lives at home, never worked. No drugs or alcohol, just no motivation, at all!
My son is a good kid, respectful, helps out around the house, no drugs etc. But he's scared to death of "growing up"! My mom says we've made life too comfortable for him. Dang it, I think she's right.

 

[Snowdrop13]

I have no good advice but have read this thread with great interest for future reference! I’m scared of the thought of having 2 young men lounging on the sofa playing Xbox for years to come!

The relationship between parent and child has to mature into one between adults, with mutual respect. I imagine it is very difficult for this to happen when the adult “child” is still in the home essentially occupying the role they have always had. I’m going to encourage my kids to go to university away from our home town to at least give them a taste of independence. Hopefully they will then see our home as a lovely, safe place to visit but not somewhere they want to live permanently! Goodness, parenting is tough, there’s always something to work on.

 

[tyty333]

When this thread popped up recently I was interested. ..my 23 yr old son IS still at home, but ah, naw, he's just slow to launch. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. But, just last night he informed us he was not going to finish this last semester of college because he no longer is interested in his chosen field.
Holy cow. I am now scared he will never be on his own. And already the excuses have started, why he isn't looking for work (social anxiety, etc). I've never been good at the tough love thing, I'm such a pushover when it comes to my kids. But, I can see that's clearly not helping him or us. This is not easy to deal with!!
And Thank You @SandyinAnaheim , your post was very helpful!

@CHRISTY-DANIELLE If you havent already you might try addressing the social anxiety with a psychiatrist. That may be what is holding him back and
if it can be treated he may feel better about moving forward into the "real" world.

I have a son that deals with social anxiety. I asked his Doctor what we could do to help "motivate" him. He said to make the nest less comfortable.
He is still a senior in HS but only has to take 4 classes. I've been telling him that he needs to get a job so today we are headed to a grocery store
so that he can fill out an application. I'm hoping that working at a low paying job will help to emphasize the advantages of college. He is smart enough but
has no/zero/zip drive.

Thanks to all who have contributed to this thread. Lots of good advice!

 

[CHRISTY-DANIELLE]

@tyty333 The social anxiety is very much part of his problem. It took him years past normal driving age to feel comfortable driving... he was worried about what other drivers were thinking of him. He couldn't order a meal. He still does not like making phone calls or approaching strangers. He's on medication and has had therapy. He's better than he was in hs, but its been slow progress. My younger son (22) has high funtioning autism. His psych met my older son and thought he was slightly on the spectrum too. ( Not the first mental health prof. to mention it either. ) So, yes, it's often multiple factors, and no one clear solution.
But I agree "He said :...make the nest less comfortable. " We just told him today, sign up for some classes or get a job, or you will start losing the "extra" things like cell phone, lap top, etc. So, we will see what happens next.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

When this thread popped up recently I was interested. ..my 23 yr old son IS still at home, but ah, naw, he's just slow to launch. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. But, just last night he informed us he was not going to finish this last semester of college because he no longer is interested in his chosen field.
Holy cow. I am now scared he will never be on his own. And already the excuses have started, why he isn't looking for work (social anxiety, etc). I've never been good at the tough love thing, I'm such a pushover when it comes to my kids. But, I can see that's clearly not helping him or us. This is not easy to deal with!!
And Thank You @SandyinAnaheim , your post was very helpful!

@tyty333 The social anxiety is very much part of his problem. It took him years past normal driving age to feel comfortable driving... he was worried about what other drivers were thinking of him. He couldn't order a meal. He still does not like making phone calls or approaching strangers. He's on medication and has had therapy. He's better than he was in hs, but its been slow progress. My younger son (22) has high funtioning autism. His psych met my older son and thought he was slightly on the spectrum too. ( Not the first mental health prof. to mention it either. ) So, yes, it's often multiple factors, and no one clear solution.
But I agree "He said :...make the nest less comfortable. " We just told him today, sign up for some classes or get a job, or you will start losing the "extra" things like cell phone, lap top, etc. So, we will see what happens next.

I was about to reply to your first post and your second post says what I was going to say! There are SO MANY young adults out there who have high functioning autism who struggle in life (and it is NOT LACK OF MOTIVATION!!!!) and they are never diagnosed! They suffer and parents cannot understand why they are like they are!

How do I know? I have a master's in special ed but did not get my son diagnosed until he was in his late 20's. He had SEVERE social anxiety and most cases of autism that I was familiar with were kids that were low functioning (at that time as that was pretty much all that was diagnosed). He was diagnosed with all kinds of things for several years as there is overlap with symptoms from other mental issues such as anxiety and depression. We saw HFA/Aspergers symptoms, but he didn't seem like the typical nerdy type to me, but he was very smart. Anyway, one time he went to a pain specialist for another issue, and that doctor out of the blue told him he thought he had Asperger's just from the social issues he observed in that visit. So I took him to a clinical psychologist to specifically evaluate him for that, and he WAS diagnosed with HFA/Aspergers! Our son is disabled, truly. It's a long sad tale. I would caution you to go easy on your son. Ours would absolutely shut down with panic attacks if he was pushed into a corner beyond his ability to handle. Oh, to only have understood him years before!

But my whole point in this is to say, some kids who seem to "lack motivation" are struggling with things like HFA or depression, etc. and they feel hopeless because they can't fix themselves and feel bad about themselves because everyone says they are lazy and unmotivated. Many kids diagnosed with ADHD have extreme difficulty with long term planning.

There was a good book by Dr. Mel Levine some years back called "The Myth of Laziness". Yes, sure, there are some spoiled and lazy kids, but many are NOT and cannot help it. I believe this book is geared more towards children, but these children grow older with the same problems if the problem is not identified.

Lastly, as an educator and a parent, I'd just like to make the comment that I do not think all kids are suited for a 4 year college degree. Number one, unless one majors in an area that prepares them for a specific job, such as nursing or teaching, they may find themselves working retail, because there really aren't all these fantastic jobs awaiting the 22 year old with a 4 year degree. I've know plenty of kids who work hourly jobs after college because there simply aren't a lot of salaried jobs with great benefits out there.

To themotherthing, I'd suggest some career or general counseling for your daughter. I personally would be fine with my 20 year old working fulltime if she doesn't know what she wants to do yet. There are plenty of 40 year olds who don't like their jobs and are stuck. I do agree with starting adding some adult responsibilities as she approaches age 21 such as paying a little rent and making her responsible for her car insurance, etc. I love the idea of your saving the "rent" to later give her towards a down payment on a house! Knowing we live in the same general area, I thought your rent amount sounded fine. You could tell her it will increase $50 a month every year on her birthday. lol! Just keep in mind it's very possible she is dealing with something you don't fully understand yet, though. Most typical girls will want to go to college with their friends even if it's just for social reasons, so when one doesn't, I think that's a red flag.

 

[CHRISTY-DANIELLE]

@diamondseeker2006 - my younger son was actually diagnosed Asperger's /HFA at a young age , so I'm very familiar with it! He's much more "textbook " and suffers severe depression as well. ( We have our parenting hands very full here. )
My oldest son does have some signs, but he's made a lot of progress in the last couple of years. He was one semester away from a degree in machining, but has decided he didn't really want to work directly in manufacturing. Today he enrolled in courses and is thinking about a mechanical engineering degree. He is very good in math, likes computers and machines, and problem solving. Fingers crossed!

 

[SandyinAnaheim]

Most excellent advice from @diamondseeker2006.

@CHRISTY-DANIELLE that is EXCELLENT news!!! I was thinking about your last post today and was going to ask you some follow-up questions, but it seems like things are progressing in the right direction. I'm happy for you and hope it keeps going in the right direction.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

@diamondseeker2006 - my younger son was actually diagnosed Asperger's /HFA at a young age , so I'm very familiar with it! He's much more "textbook " and suffers severe depression as well. ( We have our parenting hands very full here. )
My oldest son does have some signs, but he's made a lot of progress in the last couple of years. He was one semester away from a degree in machining, but has decided he didn't really want to work directly in manufacturing. Today he enrolled in courses and is thinking about a mechanical engineering degree. He is very good in math, likes computers and machines, and problem solving. Fingers crossed!

That is great to hear indeed! He sounds like he really knows the direction that is right for him! I just wanted to clarify that I was partly addressing the topic in general above (children who are not progressing as we think they should), not you specifically. I realize it may have appeared that way since I used your quotes! My son is older than your children, and high functioning autism simply wasn't diagnosed as it is today. I think there are many HFA young and older adults out there who were never diagnosed, and some received other diagnoses that sometimes accompany autism. Your younger son sounds more like ours. You have my most sincere empathy.

 

[LaylaR]

I don't want to offend anyone, but I have to ask a question just because I am genuinely curious. This is going to be a bit long. But I think I need to explain it in detail.

I am 43. My mother and I immigrated here when I was a 4 year old. English was considered my second language, though I have no accent, I am fluent, and the same can't be said of Farsi.

Maybe because English was my second language, but my teachers and classmates and I never noticed that I had a learning disability. I had a lot of problems with spelling and transposing numbers and letters. But no one ever helped me with it. I remember being in 5th grade and having endless spelling tests. And I remember that there were some words that I couldn't spell. Just could not. And I had to memorize them by making up rhymes. No one ever taught me to do this. I just did it because for my mother getting a B or lower was not acceptable. I had to get A's and so I figured it out. I was diagnosed with dyslexia in college. And then I was studied with my consent, because I'd developed a number of coping mechanisms to work around my disability because I was ignorant there was another choice. I was asked if I wanted concessions for my exams, etc. that were available to people with learning disabilities. I declined them. And refused to allow the disability to be listed in any of my records because I was afraid it would label me.

Additionally, I was diagnosed for depression and anxiety in law school (along with 50% of other law students). It made law school, which I hated anyway, miserable and sometimes it was all I could do breathe instead of running and hiding... or worse.

Also, both my husband and I are introverts. My husband especially is an extreme introvert with a very bad social anxiety disorder (when it's not under control). But we were both raised by extroverts that made absolutely NO concessions to us for being introverts. Neither of us were allowed to just sit in corners, avoid people at our parents dinner parties, barbeques, etc. We were both pinched, poked, prodded. I was forced to sing solo in public for years though it almost made me pass out when I had to. Eventually I figured out how to overcome that fear and even tried out for plays and sang on stage. Our social anxiety and our introvert inclinations were things our parents literally forced us to just get over. We had no other choice.

As a result though, we can both function in a large variety of situations and can fake being extroverted. My husband is in sales. And he is an excellent sales man: sincere, trustworthy, and self-depreciating. No one ever believes we are both introverts when they've seen us entertaining. Our extrovert impressions are like a coat we can put on or take off as the situation warrants. And it has proved a very valuable skill.

So having explained all that...

I know that people have a lot of theories about why Gen Y and Millennials are the way they are. But I wonder if some of the reason why they are the way they are is because they are over-diagnosed and their mild disabilities overly catered to. It seems like 80% my friend's kids have some form of a learning disability, or ADD, or are on the spectrum. And there are concessions made for all of them. Excuses given for why they can't do this, or can't do that. Or why they act out in this way or that. And it all started with the generation immediately after mine. I remember all the attention ADHD was given when it was realized how pervasive an issue it was in those younger than me by about 10 years.

And these were bright, active kids. And I guess what I am asking is... where is the line between: this kid has something that truly needs to be accommodated. Versus something that the child needs to be forced to overcome for his own good. I just wonder if we've found that line as a society yet. And that perhaps we've swung too much the other way? Becoming too accommodating and willing to grant concessions BEFORE an effort is made to overcome or cope. Instead of AFTER that effort has been made and failed.

I know my mother was insensitive, especially about me being an introvert. It was a personality flaw I had to overcome to her. So I'm not saying in anyway the answer is to avoid a child's true nature. But what I am saying is...in my generation (X) we were often forced to figure out solutions to our problems ourselves. By and large, I feel we weren't given a way out via medication, therapy or a diagnosis that meant concessions. It wasn't even an option except for those of us who were severely disadvantaged to a point it couldn't be ignored. And most of the time our parents were unaware of our struggles, assuming we were "normal" (whatever that means), and that we just had to learn to apply ourselves, or stop being lazy, or focus to succeed. Or that we just needed proper socialization to learn to 'get over' our 'shyness' (that's what being an introvert was called in the stone ages when I was a kid).

In highschool I tutored a classmate who was severely dyslexic. He could not take written exams. He had a very hard time reading so I read to him, and helped him memorize things. With my help he went from CP classes to AP classes and raised his GPA a full point in History and English. And I never knew why I was able to help him so much--until I was diagnosed in college with the same disability myself. And I figured out that without realizing it, when I tutored him I taught him my coping mechanisms. I saw him after I graduated college. And when I told him that I had dyslexia too, he was shocked but said, "you know that makes perfect sense."

So I do think that there are many children who GENUINELY need help and concessions and empathy, people who understand what they are going through, and can teach them in special ways to help them learn because they don't learn the way the rest of us do. Or can't function or learn in the same environment we do and need a specialized environment. Or medication. But, again... where is that line? And have we started to cater too much?

If I have offended, I apologize. That was not my intent.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

I get your point @LaylaR

I have a 6yo and it's been interesting to note how parenting has changed. I also have a story to tell regarding my little sister. I am 8 years older than her. Basically had to help raise her a lot because mother was a wacko in every sense of the word. Little Sis was diagnosed with a learning disability but mother was too lazy (and crazy) to take her to a speech pathologist. There was lots of screaming and beatings in our childhood. I ended up doing most of her homework to get her through school so our psycho parents would not lose their sh@t. In the end she didn't do well enough in the HSC to get into university. Parents had major meltdowns, she went to Tafe (free government schooling of sorts) and transferred into uni that way.

She did quite well at uni and worked so so so hard! Uni offered her a job. Anyways she is wonderful and very much a success, although to this day, despite performing very well at her job she can't grasp basic concepts like 10,000 being larger than 1,000. She also freaks out when she has to approach her supervisor about anything so she texts me, we run through what to say and off she goes to say it. Haha sometimes I draft terse work emails for her and we have a laugh about whether the person she's dealing with thinks she's suddenly had a personality shift.

Still she has a good job, savings and is a success. She had to be because my mother in particular probably would have stabbed her if she didn't live up to society's basic expectations of what a "normal" child should be like and the only way to escape from the witch was to make enough money to survive by herself. It was either that or deal with endless violent outbursts and have plates thrown at your head.

Another thing I should note is we have never addressed the fact that she has a learning disability. It was a sore spot for my mother (it would launch the crazy) so we did not address it and over time we did not really think much of it. Even my sister never addresses it as a learning disability. She just says "Sis I need help with such and such" when she needs help and we help her.

Obviously I don't think she should have had to live through the childhood she had but she's so happy, successful and well adjusted now. I can't help but wonder if a "softer" childhood would have yielded such a happy adult life.

Just to reiterate I don't advocate throwing things and screaming at your child but I do wonder if tougher conditions lead to a bit of character building.

 

[missy]

I am successful now, but am I happy? No. The forced character building leaves me hating my parents and myself but I pretend to care for them anyway because I am expected to.

Yes I think in our culture we often confuse the two. Many people think success comes before happiness or is a measure of happiness and give up happiness along the way in order to achieve success. Many people look at happiness as an end goal of being "successful" in life whether it be at one's career or family goals etc. That success comes from achieving one's goals. But the kicker is that success does not (necessarily) lead to happiness at all and is not a reflection of happiness.

Instead it is the other way around. The ultimate measure of success is how happy one is. And IMO happiness comes from being passionate about and loving what one is doing and enjoying the moment day by day. Of being thankful for what one does have. Success can be seen as getting what one wants in life but true happiness is wanting what one gets. And enjoying the journey rather than always looking at the end goal.

Oh and

“Happiness is a warm puppy.”
― Charles M. Schulz

That too.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

@LaylaR
@mellowyellowgirl
Thank you for your posts. You eloquently say what I have tried wrap my head around for quite some time now. I can see different traits in my children and have no problem identifying what's holding them back. Each end every time as a parent it's such a hard decision what one should do ... Push them in order to overcome the obstacle or be extremely understanding, but risk hindering their personal development.
((hugs)) to you, since you have had it pretty tough in your childhood....

 

[Elizabeth35]

I know that people have a lot of theories about why Gen Y and Millennials are the way they are. But I wonder if some of the reason why they are the way they are is because they are over-diagnosed and their mild disabilities overly catered to. It seems like 80% my friend's kids have some form of a learning disability, or ADD, or are on the spectrum. And there are concessions made for all of them. Excuses given for why they can't do this, or can't do that. Or why they act out in this way or that. And it all started with the generation immediately after mine. I remember all the attention ADHD was given when it was realized how pervasive an issue it was in those younger than me by about 10 years.

I wonder about this as well. I fear we are not equipping young people with the tools they need for adult life. Some may need meds, or therapy, and some may need some tough love.
But the ultimate goal of parenting is getting 18-22 year olds to be functioning as adults and eventually self-sufficient.
We followed conventional wisdom with our 23 YO with ADHD. I came into the picture when he was a teenager. He had been medicated (which by HS he stopped taking), counseled and had special accommodations. I actually think the accommodations were a detriment. He was allowed to turn in assignments days late, and the expectations were so low that he never learned any coping skills. He actually felt entitled to special treatment and constantly said he needed extra time. Exactly what did that accomplish?!?
He never learned how to manage his disability through time management, lists, calendars, negative consequences, etc.
So I question accommodations—especially if you look at the big picture and ask how best to prepare this child to be a self-sufficient, employed, contributing member of society. I feel the emphasis should be on tools they need to exist in the world (including meds, counseling,etc) not the expectation that the world will accommodate them.

 

[tyty333]

@diamondseeker2006 - my younger son was actually diagnosed Asperger's /HFA at a young age , so I'm very familiar with it! He's much more "textbook " and suffers severe depression as well. ( We have our parenting hands very full here. )
My oldest son does have some signs, but he's made a lot of progress in the last couple of years. He was one semester away from a degree in machining, but has decided he didn't really want to work directly in manufacturing. Today he enrolled in courses and is thinking about a mechanical engineering degree. He is very good in math, likes computers and machines, and problem solving. Fingers crossed!

That is excellent news @CHRISTY-DANIELLE ! Hoping that all goes well for him in his classes.

My son suffers from social anxiety (not extremely severe but causes him to get upset/cramped stomach at school). He has no problem speaking in public
though...so weird. He has no problems interacting with friends or groups of friends. As a child, he was diagnosed with Sensory Perception Disorder.
Loud noises, too much movement, too many people, and heights bothered him. As a kindergartener, he would have mini-meltdowns every morning
when I took him to school. All these things have improved since he has gotten older. Seems like he has either outgrown some of the problems or
developed coping skills. I had to look up HFA to find out what it meant and what the signs were. Looks like he has 2/3 of the issues out of 7. He saw
a child psychologist for 2 years and she never brought up Autism/Aspregers so I tend to think he has some issues but not Autism.

His issues mean that we have to give him a little more time to overcome some things (not to let him off the hook). We give him coping skills if we have
any and yes, we have to continue to push so he doesnt climb into a comfy hole and not make progress towards adulthood. The plan is that he will get
there but it just seems like its going to take him a little longer than the typical teen. My DH and I have to work hard at not comparing how we were
growing up to how he is.

As far as college, of course we would like for him to go but I'm ok with any kind of trade school that he would like to do. Seems that he likes drafting
which is a 2 year degree at our local college. Need to see if that peaks his interest. He is currently a senior and did not apply to any schools. That
was something I did not want to push because I pushed it with my older son and he was not ready. Wasted a lot of time and money. Older son
has just now finished his 2 year degree so better late than never. Plans on getting his 4 year degree...

 

[CHRISTY-DANIELLE]

@tyty333 Oh I feel your pain! I pushed my oldest son, enrolled him in a 4 yr univ, dropped him off at the dorm, hopeful that the experience would help him blossom. So began a year of angst and depression, and me spending several wknds in a hotel near campus trying to encourage him. He was SO not ready, and we wasted big bucks. He's been in a junior college 2yr program, making nearly straight A's, was set to finish in May. Just told us he's been losing interest for the last year. I guess that's why I was so shocked, he was doing well, teachers had him assisting first year students with CAD classes, and worked as lab assistant last spring. I thought he was finally making it. Now he is changing gears, again. He's taking core courses this spring, so at least I feel like he's continuing progress towards something!

 

[LaylaR]

I know that people have a lot of theories about why Gen Y and Millennials are the way they are. But I wonder if some of the reason why they are the way they are is because they are over-diagnosed and their mild disabilities overly catered to. It seems like 80% my friend's kids have some form of a learning disability, or ADD, or are on the spectrum. And there are concessions made for all of them. Excuses given for why they can't do this, or can't do that. Or why they act out in this way or that. And it all started with the generation immediately after mine. I remember all the attention ADHD was given when it was realized how pervasive an issue it was in those younger than me by about 10 years.

I wonder about this as well. I fear we are not equipping young people with the tools they need for adult life. Some may need meds, or therapy, and some may need some tough love.
But the ultimate goal of parenting is getting 18-22 year olds to be functioning as adults and eventually self-sufficient.
We followed conventional wisdom with our 23 YO with ADHD. I came into the picture when he was a teenager. He had been medicated (which by HS he stopped taking), counseled and had special accommodations. I actually think the accommodations were a detriment. He was allowed to turn in assignments days late, and the expectations were so low that he never learned any coping skills. He actually felt entitled to special treatment and constantly said he needed extra time. Exactly what did that accomplish?!?
He never learned how to manage his disability through time management, lists, calendars, negative consequences, etc.
So I question accommodations—especially if you look at the big picture and ask how best to prepare this child to be a self-sufficient, employed, contributing member of society. I feel the emphasis should be on tools they need to exist in the world (including meds, counseling,etc) not the expectation that the world will accommodate them.

This is exactly it.

When I was diagnosed with Dyslexia (which is a cruel word to make a person with the disease spell, BTW) they offered me exams without time limits. Oral exams if necessary. And longer deadlines on my assignments. My dyslexia was mild by then (whether by nature or because of my coping mechanisms) and manageable. So I thought the accommodations were unnecessary and they were for me so I didn't accept them. I had problems telling my left from my right, and still flipped numbers and letters but I could work past it on my own. And by my junior year my classes were by and large too easy for me if anything. But if I had been diagnosed earlier and felt a sense of entitlement for special treatment, I would have accepted and it would have been to my detriment. Try telling your boss at a law firm that you can't have a deadline because you have a learning disability. Yeah, that doesn't happen.

I think it is GREAT to have these accommodations as options. BUT after the person has been encouraged to figure out coping mechanisms and pushed to be able to function in an average environment-- perhaps with some extra tutoring. Not just given a bunch of accommodations the minute they are diagnosed. The concessions should be a last resort. When other options have been tried and failed. Because that builds character and it makes the child appreciate the concessions as what they are: a gift. Instead of an entitlement.

 

[lyra]

Both of my daughters have ADHD, but were diagnosed as adults. My youngest seemed like a classic case, but defied early diagnosis due to poor testing done at school. As adults, they really went through the wringer getting diagnosed and treated, because the meds are very restricted. With the meds, both did so much better in college and at work. The only accommodation in college is that they had the option to write exams in a different room with a school official present. They didn't use it though.

I think we have to also accept that some kids will not go to college, and yet they can still be successful in life. There's nothing wrong with vocational schools, internships/apprenticeships, and other means of educating oneself. Entrepreneurs often lack the best of educations, yet can be very successful. I don't think there's any point in pushing college if the kid isn't interested. They have to know what they want to do first, or they will either end up wasting a lot of money, get a degree that they never use, or they will have to go back to school later to do what they want.

 

[nala]

I don't want to offend anyone, but I have to ask a question just because I am genuinely curious. This is going to be a bit long. But I think I need to explain it in detail.

I am 43. My mother and I immigrated here when I was a 4 year old. English was considered my second language, though I have no accent, I am fluent, and the same can't be said of Farsi.

Maybe because English was my second language, but my teachers and classmates and I never noticed that I had a learning disability. I had a lot of problems with spelling and transposing numbers and letters. But no one ever helped me with it. I remember being in 5th grade and having endless spelling tests. And I remember that there were some words that I couldn't spell. Just could not. And I had to memorize them by making up rhymes. No one ever taught me to do this. I just did it because for my mother getting a B or lower was not acceptable. I had to get A's and so I figured it out. I was diagnosed with dyslexia in college. And then I was studied with my consent, because I'd developed a number of coping mechanisms to work around my disability because I was ignorant there was another choice. I was asked if I wanted concessions for my exams, etc. that were available to people with learning disabilities. I declined them. And refused to allow the disability to be listed in any of my records because I was afraid it would label me.

Additionally, I was diagnosed for depression and anxiety in law school (along with 50% of other law students). It made law school, which I hated anyway, miserable and sometimes it was all I could do breathe instead of running and hiding... or worse.

Also, both my husband and I are introverts. My husband especially is an extreme introvert with a very bad social anxiety disorder (when it's not under control). But we were both raised by extroverts that made absolutely NO concessions to us for being introverts. Neither of us were allowed to just sit in corners, avoid people at our parents dinner parties, barbeques, etc. We were both pinched, poked, prodded. I was forced to sing solo in public for years though it almost made me pass out when I had to. Eventually I figured out how to overcome that fear and even tried out for plays and sang on stage. Our social anxiety and our introvert inclinations were things our parents literally forced us to just get over. We had no other choice.

As a result though, we can both function in a large variety of situations and can fake being extroverted. My husband is in sales. And he is an excellent sales man: sincere, trustworthy, and self-depreciating. No one ever believes we are both introverts when they've seen us entertaining. Our extrovert impressions are like a coat we can put on or take off as the situation warrants. And it has proved a very valuable skill.

So having explained all that...

I know that people have a lot of theories about why Gen Y and Millennials are the way they are. But I wonder if some of the reason why they are the way they are is because they are over-diagnosed and their mild disabilities overly catered to. It seems like 80% my friend's kids have some form of a learning disability, or ADD, or are on the spectrum. And there are concessions made for all of them. Excuses given for why they can't do this, or can't do that. Or why they act out in this way or that. And it all started with the generation immediately after mine. I remember all the attention ADHD was given when it was realized how pervasive an issue it was in those younger than me by about 10 years.

And these were bright, active kids. And I guess what I am asking is... where is the line between: this kid has something that truly needs to be accommodated. Versus something that the child needs to be forced to overcome for his own good. I just wonder if we've found that line as a society yet. And that perhaps we've swung too much the other way? Becoming too accommodating and willing to grant concessions BEFORE an effort is made to overcome or cope. Instead of AFTER that effort has been made and failed.

I know my mother was insensitive, especially about me being an introvert. It was a personality flaw I had to overcome to her. So I'm not saying in anyway the answer is to avoid a child's true nature. But what I am saying is...in my generation (X) we were often forced to figure out solutions to our problems ourselves. By and large, I feel we weren't given a way out via medication, therapy or a diagnosis that meant concessions. It wasn't even an option except for those of us who were severely disadvantaged to a point it couldn't be ignored. And most of the time our parents were unaware of our struggles, assuming we were "normal" (whatever that means), and that we just had to learn to apply ourselves, or stop being lazy, or focus to succeed. Or that we just needed proper socialization to learn to 'get over' our 'shyness' (that's what being an introvert was called in the stone ages when I was a kid).

In highschool I tutored a classmate who was severely dyslexic. He could not take written exams. He had a very hard time reading so I read to him, and helped him memorize things. With my help he went from CP classes to AP classes and raised his GPA a full point in History and English. And I never knew why I was able to help him so much--until I was diagnosed in college with the same disability myself. And I figured out that without realizing it, when I tutored him I taught him my coping mechanisms. I saw him after I graduated college. And when I told him that I had dyslexia too, he was shocked but said, "you know that makes perfect sense."

So I do think that there are many children who GENUINELY need help and concessions and empathy, people who understand what they are going through, and can teach them in special ways to help them learn because they don't learn the way the rest of us do. Or can't function or learn in the same environment we do and need a specialized environment. Or medication. But, again... where is that line? And have we started to cater too much?

If I have offended, I apologize. That was not my intent.

Interesting. You are definitely not the norm. As a teacher, I see many students whose parents refuse to “label” them or who don’t supervise their kids enough to know they joined a gang or started ditching school Bc they felt so hopeless or inadequate in the classroom. Many kids who are struggling academically and don’t know why turn to self destructive behaviors. In impoverished neighborhoods where kids don’t have parent supervision or expectations of A’s, these kids will fall into drugs or the wrong crowd. You had the opposite. So you rose to the challenge Bc the challenge was there. So I’m grateful when teachers report students with learning disabilities and initiate the process. It’s a long process and before labels are given, many other steps have to be taken. The school doesn’t want to label too many kids, Because that means more accountability on their part. So if a student is labeled, they were thoroughly diagnosed. So no. I don’t agree that it’s sink or swim with learning disabilities. I appreciate the wake up call to the parents. And yet, half the time, the parents will refuse the label or will not even attend the meetings when the teachers actually sift through their 200d kids a day to identify a problem.

Do parents enable in other ways? Absolutely. But I think it’s different with kids who have learning disabilities and in my neck of the woods, these kids are not overly catered to.

I want to add that i don’ t like comparing generations. You mention that in our generation we had to figure out problems for ourselves. Here’s the thing. We had less problems. These kids are growing up with social pressures we couldn’t even imagine would ever exist! Can you imagine having to contend with social media pressures during your most formative years? Having to see your ex move on or your friends exclude you or dealing with feelings of insecurity Bc your don’t have enough likes? We were just told not to read beauty magazines! Lol. How about generating enough self-restraint to not look at your phone while you are learning? Even adults these days have these issues! I think every generation faces their own problems and no one has it easier. Just different. As parents, we should be the ones guiding our kids. So next time anyone wants to berate millenials (I’m not saying this to you personally, but a collective you,) or future generations, you need to go after the parents who raised them. They are the ones raising kids with iPhones and spending all their time posting pics of them on social media, distorting their values for likes. They are the ones who arranged play dates for them so kids didn’t even have to develop social skills. I could go on and on. Sorry. One martini deep and rant is over.