Buying your own engagement ring

[kmoro]

Are there any conditions under which you would finance, in whole or in part, your own engagement ring, and under what circumstances?

Would you buy one yourself? Make a partial payment? And if so, who would make the proposal? Who keeps the ring if the marriage fails to take place? Would you resent it? Why have a traditional engagement ring if the tradition behind it is irrelevant? etc.

Just wondering ... sorry if this type of question is not appropriate on this forum or category. Another thread brought this to my mind.

 

[Wewechew]

My original engagement ring was my grandmother’s; my mother offered it to myself and my bf (at the time). I love the ring, but have to admit I wish he had picked out and financed (ie paid for himself) a new ring to give me. I think I would even feel different if it had been an heirloom on his side. Apparently I’m old fashioned that way.

 

[foxinsox]

Given my now husband and I had shared finances when we got engaged, I did end up paying for my own engagement ring and I’m fine with that.
I tend to look at the engagement ring as the symbol of the intent to marry and count myself lucky that I’m the female half so socially am encouraged to signal this intent through sparkly sparkly jewellery
I also chose my ring myself (I had NO idea what I wanted when we started looking so he’d have had no chance at guessing) and it’s unleashed a monster - I’m quite obsessed with old cuts now and I rather suspect my DH might slightly regret that!

 

[PreRaphaelite]

I've done it, and I must say it is something I regret. First, over time I resented the feeling of missing out on that universal grand romantic gesture, and second, I came to think less of both the ring and my betrothed because of it. This does not make me proud to admit.

For me, it would have been better to have no ring at all and true love, than to move heaven and earth (either on my own dime or shared cost) to get a ring I loved... instead, over time I began to feel that my partner really should have found a way to get something (anything!) for me, especially as my taste was never extravagant until finding PS.

Inherited rings, even scrap, when given in proposal are so romantic, forget the value of the piece. I would have absolutely loved to have had that experience in my life. Just once. It would have been heaven, and completely satisfying for a lifetime (for me).

Wishing you a most blissful future, no matter the ring or the partner!

 

[princessandthepear]

I purchased my ring and he purchased his ring for our first marriage. I got to choose what I wanted and when we later divorced I kept the ring. It has never had any emotional baggage. It is just a pretty ring. We divorced because he was a spendthrift and I was a saver.
No matter your reason for contemplating buying your own ring, make certain you are on the same page, The ring is usually the first joint decision that a couple makes and sets the tone for future joint decisions. Don't buy a ring if he won't because he feels they are unimportant but you feel it is important. If he is at all concerned about your feelings he will compromise with you. If he can't afford a ring, maybe you could share the cost of wedding bands and get an engagement ring later when finances improve? The choice of a ring is a matter of communication and compromise for both of you.

 

[rockhoundofficiando]

He saved up, picked out, bought the ring,and proposed, all on his own. We picked out and bought our wedding rings together (I paid for his wedding ring, he paid for mine.) We didn't live together until that point either.

 

[kmoro]

If I my add my own experience without long details, I once paid half for my engagement ring. It didn’t last.
In my old age and retrospect, I almost see the engagement ring thing as a test to see if the man can put his needs below mine once in awhile. If the ring is not important to a person, great ... but if it is something they have dreamed about their entire lives and you loved them, would you not try to step up, even if you did not understand? I know that I would.

 

[PreRaphaelite]

Well said!

ETA: this principle remains the same in reverse, lest some readers feel that this is inherently sexist in favor of women.

 

[lovedogs]

If I my add my own experience without long details, I once paid half for my engagement ring. It didn’t last.
In my old age and retrospect, I almost see the engagement ring thing as a test to see if the man can put his needs below mine once in awhile. If the ring is not important to a person, great ... but if it is something they have dreamed about their entire lives and you loved them, would you not try to step up, even if you did not understand? I know that I would.

I paid for half of my ring and had absolutely no problem doing so (still dont, and paid the entire cost of my upgraded diamond from HP Diamonds). We were grad students when ring shopping, and my ring was pricey (by our standards then). His was incredibly inexpensive because it was a gold band, so I thought it was totally fair to split the cost. I wanted to upgrade my diamond center stone recently, so I used my own "fun money" for it. I don't see it as a test whatsoever, but that might be because I never dreamed about a ring. I loved my ring as it was for a long time until finding PS and realizing I wanted something larger and better cut. I had a moissanite center for years until I could afford the size I wanted in an ideal cut.

I think it depends on the person, but having just spent a bunch on my new diamond out of my own pocket I wanted to chime in

 

[stonewell]

@kmoro, I can see where you’re coming from, however, I think a man’s actions before the ring is just as telling.

In my first marriage, my late husband had proposed with a ring he chose (with a little detective work on my preferences) and paid for it entirely. Gah, I loved that ring with all my heart and all of the romance and sacrifice it signified. However, it was stolen soon after he passed and it just devastated me. I think that experience was a turning point for me in never placing so much weight on an inanimate object. After all, it was a symbol that I was married, but wasn’t the relationship itself. What my boyfriend, then later, husband did, day in and day out, spoke volumes more.

Before getting engaged again years later, my current husband knew this backstory and asked how I felt about proposals, rings, etc. I don’t know if it was my newfound attitude about rings or just that we were both much older, but I told him if it was his intent to get married, then let’s get it done. We worked out a joint household budget and opened a joint account, factoring in the rings, wedding, etc. In the end, we both paid. Not so romantic and that may lead folks to think he was less invested, but he had shown me everyday up to that point that he was “all-in” and has since.

 

[AprilBaby]

My husband bought my sweet little ring for $365. I would have resented him if I had to pay any of the cost. The upgrade was a joint decision.

 

[elliefire99]

I keep coming back to this post and not posting, because it's a long and complicated story, and maybe still a little emotional (not bc of the ring, but all the other things related to it), but I think I should share my experience and my reasoning. Please excuse the long post ahead

I am paying for my own engagement ring.

The quickest explanation of it is that my fiance is Ecuadorian and lives in Ecuador. In the simplest sense, he just doesn't really have the money. We have been in a long distance relationship now for almost 5 years, about 2 years of which I lived there in Ecuador, about half of which with him, when you add all my visits and short term jobs and stints there.

I am finishing my master's degree, and we decided that enough was enough and that we would get engaged and married so that we could finally finally be together like we want. The engagement was pretty lackluster--a practical conversation over Skype, haha. A lot of it was about timing. If we got engaged this summer, we could start the immigration process, and he could finally be here by the time I graduate. Immigration schedules and schedules for planning for proposals and saving for rings simply didn't align.

Since because of the lovely U.S. immigration system we didn't get to have a fairytale proposal, and probably won't get to have a fairytale wedding, we decided we wanted to do the e-ring right. It's the only big reminder I have of him through the months of applications and lawyers and stress (plus my second thesis! lol). We considered a token ring, but decided against it because of this.

I casually started looking at rings on my own, for fun more than anything. And then started looking seriously (and then found PS! Whoops). My fiance told me that he had actually been planning to try to save and surprise me with something when I came to visit for Christmas, but it would have been something very small. I also would have loved that, because I know how hard it would be for him and how much it would mean, but we decided to go in this direction instead.

I know he is a very sentimental person, so he won't want me to ever change the ring. Because of that, we both want it to be something I love. And to be honest, the whole process of planning and researching the ring has been soooo wonderful for me. The first month or so of our engagement, I was often unable to feel really happy or excited about it because it always made me think of the stress of the million things we had to do yet to finish the process. I couldn't even answer my family when they asked when my husband to be would be in the U.S. Doing the ring stuff on my own (with constant support and input from my fiance of course!) has helped me feel finally fully excited about our engagement, our marriage, and our future, as I can finally engage with it in a way that isn't about something stressful, practical, or bureaucratic. My own little fairytale amidst the mess. I am soo excited to have the most wonderful, special, unique ring to celebrate such a wonderful, special, unique relationship.

Meanwhile, my fiance is saving for the big move and to be able to support himself while he waits for a U.S. work permit once he gets here Not as romantic, but equally important!

I suppose our ring approach is unconventional, just like our relationship

I think any way that a couple decides to handle the money is fine! I would have been happy with a token ring, I would have been happy splitting (we talked about this), and I would have been overjoyed for a little golden surprise! And I definitely don't disparage the romanticism of the man paying, deciding and surprising! Each approach has its pros and cons, and to each their own!

 

[elliefire99]

Wow. Didn't realize that post got that long.

Sorry everyone!

 

[lovedogs]

Wow. Didn't realize that post got that long.

Sorry everyone!

Don't be sorry! It's a lovely story and I'm so happy that the two of you will be together and married soon, plus you get a TDF ring!

 

[Bron357]

It’s a personal choice.
And times have changed.
These days people are choosing not to marry, marry but not to have rings, keep their own surnames, change surname without “marrying”, keeping separate bank accounts, some even keep separate homes.
It’s what you want, what works for you as a couple.
An engagement ring used to be an important symbol of a commitment, I used to think of it as a “holding deposit” !
If you want a “traditional style” commitment process, well then he chooses the ring and proposes. You say yes, put on the ring and tell everyone “I’m engaged to be married”.
If you want to buy or provide your own ring, maybe you earn more, maybe you have a family ring you want to wear - if he’s cool with that, why not!
Of course you want it “documented” that you paid for the ring or your mother gave you the ring in case you don’t make it to the wedding. Legally speaking an engagement ring is a “conditional gift” which is why if an engagement breaks up the ring should be returned to whoever bought or provided it.
Everyone is different, I have a girlfriend married 30 plus years, no rings whatsoever, her husband, he wears a signet ring with a 1 carat diamond in it!
It was from the engagement ring he proposed with, she said yes to the man but declined a ring, doesn’t like jewellery (very strange I know) so she had it made into a ring for him. He wears that and a wedding band!
So do what you and your partner feel comfortable with, it’s not anyone else’s business if you buy or provide the engagement ring anyway.

 

[Ally T]

My husband bought & paid for my engagement ring, proposing 9 months after our first date. By that point, we had jointly bought our house & were up to our eyes in wallpaper & rug choices. The proposal was a huge surprise as I wasn’t expecting it so soon, and I loved my ring & the thought & expense he had put into it. We celebrated our 11th anniversary in Sept & whilst that ring was damaged & I replaced it with the pear cut 6 years ago, I still treasure it & try it on sometimes. I chose the pear & it was paid for out of our joint account. I very much it.

One of my best friends however, planned her own engagement in full & financed her own ring 100%. Her boyfriend was a student at the time & she owned her own company, had paid for their lovely house & his very expensive car. She actually said to me “God, if I allowed F to choose & pay for my ring himself, can you imagine what a cheap piece of crap it would be?!” I remember being quite upset at that. F was a really lovely guy with a very big heart. His wallet would never have been big enough for her, no matter where his budding career took him. They divorced 4 years later. She then went on to meet Mr Career who was very wealthy. He took her to Sydney to propose, with a perfect 1ct, D IF classic Tiffany solitaire. He had purchased it over the phone from New Zealand & whisked her to the store to collect it, where they had put on a lovely champagne tea in a private room for them. Only a perfect diamond for a perfect lady. She was overwhelmed & overjoyed (& being quite small with tiny hands, that diamond looked huge on her) at the effort & expense he had gone to. They had 2 beautiful children. A week after number 2 was born, she discovered he’d been having an affair with his business partner, which started only 6 months into their perfect marriage. They divorced very bitterly. She kept the rings & has ruled out marriage in her future.

Urgh! Did I just over share?? Anyway, my point was that for my friend, neither way of engagement worked out. She actually gave her first engagement ring to one of her other friends, who had got engaged without a ring because they were so poor at the time. They went on to have a nasty divorce a few years later too. Maybe that ring had bad juju....

 

[Wewechew]

I should probably add- all “upgrades” (I use that term loosely bc they have all been smaller than the original) have been paid for myself and don’t really have an issue with it since that is my decision to change my original.

 

[Doc_1]

I am giving my daughter an ER as a gift, her fiancé proposed with a plain gold ring, it is our tradition in Middle East to pass a jewelry piece to our daughters on their wedding day, here, my daughter wanted a diamond ring:
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/mark-morrells-orchid-princess-cut-halo-er.244756/
Could it be that she will say down the road like what Wewechew said up in the thread that she may wish her fiancé is the financier and the purchaser of the diamond ER? may be...

 

[missy]

I have no problem buying my own bling but an engagement ring is where I would draw the line. I am only speaking about what I think is right for me and not speaking what is right universally because when it comes to bling there is no universal right or wrong...it's what feels best and right for you.

If I had a diamond that was being passed down in my family then perhaps I would have my FI go with me and we would design a setting that he would be financially responsible for but that's a big if. Generally speaking the engagement ring (as I see it) is for the FI to buy for the FI and vice versa. I bought my dh (FI at the time) the wedding band and he bought me the ER and my WB. Of course now that we are married and all finances are together so when we buy anything it is with our money and not his or hers. Though truth be told when we got engaged we merged everything as we had a relatively long engagement and we were purchasing homes etc together so we didn't even wait for us to be married before we merged our finances.

As with many things one's mileage varies and what is best for one couple doesn't necessarily translate to all couples. The key is finding what works best for you as a couple. You're a team and if you are both OK with whatever arrangement you have then good for you. If you want a diamond/ring that is out of your FI's financial realm and you both are A OK with you financing part of it so you can get your dream ring I say go for it. If you are both on the same page. Don't worry about what others think or do and instead concentrate on being the best couple and team you can be however that may be.

 

[LJsapphire]

With my ex, he took out a loan for the e-ring which got consolidated into joint debt and I feel like I paid towards it. I resented him for his lack of financial sense amongst other things.

My fiance paid for my e-ring himself. I am happier with it that way. I wouldn't be happy buying my own engagement ring.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

My SO of 4 years is a student and almost 7 years my junior, he literally has no funds to buy a ring. He went back to school to do a post bac in order to apply to medical school since realizing he wants to be a doctor. So if we get engaged I am definitely getting my own ring and have no issues doing so. I have no doubt if he had the money he’d have no issues buying me one. He already does the cooking and cleaning and drives me to work in the rain, all of which take more love and effort than pulling out a credit card (lets be honest. If he had the funds I’d still be picking the diamond, I’m a PS girl!).

My ex had bought the ring without any input from me and I ended up resetting it. Diamond was lovely but he admitted he had put no thought into the setting and picked “one that looked most like my mom’s” when he went to pick up the diamond and the SA asked him what he wanted it set in.
I sourced and paid for the rest of the 5 stone reset myself. I still wear it regularly on my middle finger as the divorce was not contentious or bitter, and the ring feels like my ring more than a gift since I put so much work into it. We got engaged when I was 20 :roll . I just got more and more liberal and he just got more and more conservative. We divorced in 2015 but I’m convinced if we hadn’t, the trump election would have split us up.

 

[PreRaphaelite]

@MakingTheGrade Politics is so polarising! It is one of the reasons I’m not marrying my current partner. It sounds terrible to say that but it’s reasonable, I promise.

Some PSers already know the story of my Toi et Moi ring, but to recap briefly, my partner put a lot of effort and sacrifice into getting the ring for me, as he has lived a challenging life and never had much money. (How rare is it that a man raises three children - one adopted - entirely on his own, without a wife, on a blue collar hourly wage, and fosters rescue dogs and cats, and cares for his mother too. I mean, just wow. I have tremendous respect for him.)

When it was decided that we would not marry, I paid him back for the ring, for two reasons: first, it’s unfair for him to lose that money when he worked so hard for it and he can’t afford to take a loss, and secondly I love the ring and all that it symbolizes, regardless of it no longer being an engagement symbol, and it remains a wonderful and romantic part of my life story.

I promise that there is a point to my endless babbling. Basically, what I’m saying is, make the engagement ring something your intended gives you as a symbol of your love, treasure the sentiment if not the ring, and buy your ‘dream ring’ for your first anniversary and wear them together on your finger. When you look back on this in your old age, the dream ring will have gone through a dozen upgrades but the original $5 silver scrap your beloved gave you will have become a priceless treasure.

 

[MeowMeow]

I did it with my previous engagement. I knew there was no way he could afford it. He worked fast food. So I just went to Zales and picked up a loose aquamarine and because I loved him I picked up a cheap silver (that I am allergic to) do it yourself setting and had my neighbor set it. He promised when we were doing better to get me the sapphire I always wanted and I thought that was okay.

This time around my uncle gave me my grandmothers diamond after she passed away so I used that stone and my husband set it in a sparkly halo himself. He is fancier than me and wanted to give it a beautiful home lmao.

So sure I think there can be plenty of times where it's okay if a girl gets her own ring. Do I prefer it? Nah but if the guy is important to me and I know there will be 0 rings for many years otherwise. Then yup! Getting my own lol. He can outdo me later.

 

[molecule]

Personally, I would be ok with paying for half as long as the partner asked what I liked- if the partner picks the whole thing out, I'm not sure if I would chip in. I do strongly believe that the engagement ring is supposed to be an expression of two people (one partner picks the setting the other picks the stone or any array of variables).

 

[msop04]

I paid for a portion of my ering... I don't regret it one bit. I'm the breadwinner, and my (then) fiancé was starting his own business. It allowed me to get what I wanted.

 

[LLJsmom]

Depends on the circumstances. If finances were combined prior to purchase then I wouldn’t care. If she is buying it because he doesn’t see the value of spending a certain amount, then I would consider the details. I would not have a problem with giving my ring to a grand daughter if she and her fiancé are amenable. With my daughter I may just give her more VCA. I would let the fiancé get her an engagement ring.

 

[twang07]

I understand for everyone it is different. As I have mentioned before, I paid for my setting and picked the entire ring out myself. My husband is my high school sweetheart, and financially, my family has always been a bit more comfortable than his. Back in the day, I really didn't understand why he couldn't afford to go watch movies or what not, but still he spent almost every dime on me to fulfill my wants of eating out or watching movies, or buying me silver tiffany's jewelry because I was so naive with what I thought love should be. Now that we are older, I am a bit more understanding, and even though he could afford it now, I just didn't feel right asking him to spend so much on a setting when he was willing to spend so much on a diamond. So he bought the diamond and I paid for the setting, and all of it was through my decision. I don't regret splitting our ring 64/36 , I don't think him not paying for it says anything about his commitment to me because over the years he's demonstrated how lucky and blessed I am to have him in my life.

Granted my story is probably not normal, had he not shown me over the past decade how much I meant to him, and pacified my insecurities of this nature, I would not know how broadly applicable that me paying for my ring says nothing about his commitment to me. I understand that most relationships don't always get to (almost) spend half of their lives together prior to marriage...

 

[motownmama]

I would not want to pay for my own ER. I'd definitely wear just a band and get a ring for a bif anniversary or something.

 

[LinSF]

I'm wondering why the engagement ring purchase being bought by one party or another makes such a difference to begin with? Perhaps its attributed to the traditional "dowry" concept where a woman was literally being bought? Shouldn't it be more of a big deal who buys the wedding ring? And what happens in non heterosexual relationships- is one to feel bad that the other purchased the ring? The idea seems attached to male-female gender stereotypes. That said, I grapple with the same question.

My ex bought my ring and surprised me with it. It was gorgeous and in the cut/style I indicated interest in. He financed it entirely, and we were high school sweethearts getting married once we were in jobs out of college. I probably would have been uncomfortable contributing to the ring, and wouldn't have felt special.

Fast forward, the engagement ring meant very little towards having a functional marriage. Were I to do it again I would contribute part, not whole. Like a marriage/relationship I have to contribute in order to make it work. And plus, my desires have changed and it would be important for me to have something I liked which I would hopefully wear the rest of my life. I'm not an upgrade person when it comes to wedding rings, was not before and wont be again. That said, I have always played the non stereotypical gender role in the relationship (breadwinner) and am in a successful career where my income can support a non essential like this.

 

[bludiva]

i feel really strongly that people should not be beholden to any of the traditions or stereotypes around engagement rings (he should buy it, how much it should cost, how big it should be, what kind of stone it should be, etc.). we are nontraditional in most things but i did want the e-ring to come from my husband....he doesn't buy me jewelry b/c i'm too picky so it is my one and only piece from him.