Buying your own engagement ring

[LaylaR]

It's a great question.

And it really just depends on the circumstances. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks as long as it is right for you. I certainly don't ask my client's who's money it is that is financing their purchase.

My husband bought me my engagement ring by himself (though I helped with research and we did go ring shopping together to figure out my preferences), but our finances were already blended at that point. I didn't know how much he paid, because he used a card in his name only. But we paid off the balances on all our cards together-- no matter whose name was on them. So, in reality I paid for part of my ring. But it was still a gift from him. KWIM?

No one else is in your relationship, has your values and priorities and understands your partner better than you. You do you.

And if one of your friends is financing her own ring purchase, be supportive and understand that it's really not your job to judge. Going against societal norms is hard.

 

[PreRaphaelite]

what happens in non heterosexual relationships- is one to feel bad that the other purchased the ring? The idea seems attached to male-female gender stereotypes.

I can help address this, actually
It isn’t attached to male-female stereotypes at all. If I meet the girl of my dreams, I fully expect to find out what she’d want in an engagement ring and move mountains to get it for her. It’s all about Wooing, like in that film Dead Poets Society. The gesture is to show I’m willing to put in the work to support her happiness, no matter what that looks like. Even if she insists on something from a mall store (heaven forbid!) or even worse, doesn’t like jewellery.
Oops TMI. But true.

 

[elliefire99]

I'm wondering why the engagement ring purchase being bought by one party or another makes such a difference to begin with? Perhaps its attributed to the traditional "dowry" concept where a woman was literally being bought?

Fun note on the patriarchy. The dowry traditionally was paid by the bride's family to the man. Sort of like a "thanks for supporting her because now we don't have to" and/or an additional incentive to get their daughter married. Especially if she wasn't traditionally desirable.

On another note, an old colleague of mine actually has a receipt for his wife. She was from a traditional indigenous community in Panama, and while she was out in the world earning her own bread, her family wouldn't approve/accept the marriage unless she was properly paid for. They have it framed in their house bc they think it's funny.

*sigh*

Maybe one day the man paying for the engagement ring will be considered similarly archaic? Who knows, haha. For now, I think it's romantic

 

[OoohShiny]

If you want a “traditional style” commitment process, well then he chooses the ring and proposes. You say yes, put on the ring and tell everyone “I’m engaged to be married”.
If you want to buy or provide your own ring, maybe you earn more, maybe you have a family ring you want to wear - if he’s cool with that, why not!

My good lady was only half joking when she said that she was just going to buy a ring and tell people she got engaged if I didn't hurry up and ask her... LOL

Fortunately I already had the diamond safely tucked away at home and was just biding my time until the appropriate point to ask the question

 

[steviedsgirl]

With my ex, he took out a loan for the e-ring which got consolidated into joint debt and I feel like I paid towards it. I resented him for his lack of financial sense amongst other things.

My fiance paid for my e-ring himself. I am happier with it that way. I wouldn't be happy buying my own engagement ring.

THIS right here (the first paragraph). With my ex, my situation was exactly the same -- in fact, he bought the ring by using MY information to secure the store credit. He made a few payments on it, then I picked up the slack because he couldn't be bothered to continue to pay the bill. The ring wasn't even to my taste (a small stone buried in a massive platinum cathedral setting that overwhelmed the poor diamond), but I ended up paying for it.

All that said, I still ended up buying Amelia myself and my husband helps with the payments (he's still taking care of some debt from his former marriage, so he helps when he can). This felt very different because I had stalked Amelia for pushing two years and really wanted the set -- I had the funds and he said "do it!".

But I'm also still looking forward to the first piece of jewelry he buys me himself. He's scared he'll get it wrong because my jewelry collection is extensive and varied -- but with a little pumping up, I'm sure he'll do just fine. Plus, he pays for our travel, so that more than evens out in the long run.