A Thread for Those Caring for Aging Parents etc.

[junebug17]

Glad to hear things are settling down and Dad is home RT, sounds like things are going fairly smoothly and I'm sending continued good thoughts that he recovers to a point where he's comfortable and can lead a somewhat normal life. (((hugs))), it's been a hard road and I hope you're taking care of yourself.

 

[VRBeauty]

Things are finally starting to calm down over here. Dad is at home, we took him home yesterday and he has a bunch of different appointments to go to over the next week. I'll take him to the one today and then we are driving back to Colorado in the morning and extended family will help us to get him around from that point on.

Like! Like!

 

[KaeKae]

Things are finally starting to calm down over here. Dad is at home, we took him home yesterday and he has a bunch of different appointments to go to over the next week. I'll take him to the one today and then we are driving back to Colorado in the morning and extended family will help us to get him around from that point on.

Glad to see this good news. I hope he continues to recover and your family is able to coordinate the care and assistance as needed.

 

[VRBeauty]

Just got home after a 5-night stint at my father's, and I get a full five nights in my own home since my youngest brother actually decided to pitch in for two nights. That's probably his quarterly contribution but I'll take it.

Part of what's so infuriating about the time I spend at my father's house is that I feel like I'm putting my life on hold for his, but he doesn't give a damn about mine. Actually, I feel like I'm giving up a part of my life for his, since I've become painfully aware in the past few years that our time here is finite. Last week I we went out to dinner one night and as we were waiting for the food to arrive I asked a few questions about what had gone one while I was gone. Then I said, "now it's your turn to ask me a question." He looked like a deer in the headlights. He looked like a kid who was about to cry. He never did ask me get around to asking me that question, not at any time during my stay there.

My father is a rather extreme introvert, and my mother was the opposite. She attracted people to her and could strike up a conversation with anyone, whether because she was interested in them or because she had opinions about just about everything and, in later years particularly, wasn't shy about sharing those opinions with just about anyone. In our family, she served the role of communicator-in-chief, keeping everyone informed about what was going on within the family. Although I saw the danger of allowing her to do that for us - I have to admit I somewhat derisively called her "the great communicator" - I have to admit I took advantage of that "service" too. For my parents I though it was the "perfect" symbiotic relationship. Even as a kid I was aware to of that communication imbalance between my parents, and I could see it getting worse and worse as their marriage progressed. The end result is that when my mother passed away, my father had no skills for communicating with his kids or anyone else, and he has no apparent interest in developing them. I realize he's extremely hard of hearing and that complicates matters, but IMO that's no excuse for not at least trying to engage in some conversation.

So this morning, I sent him this email:

Part of what makes it difficult for me to be in [his town] is that I feel like I’m giving up a large part of my life to help you, but you show no interest in what’s going on in my life at all. I realize that Mom used to do all of the interaction with others for you, but she’s gone now, so if you want others to know that you care about them you have to talk to them - ask questions about what’s going on in their lives. Ask [brother] how his business is going, has he seen any interesting houses lately, how [his wife's] job is going, what [grand daughter's] plans are for the summer, etc. etc. I know it’s not easy but I’m sure you can do it.

And for goodness sake, use both of your hearing aids.

It probably won't help but it's worth a try. And if it makes him feel bad - honestly, I'm not sure I care.

 

[VRBeauty]

I should add that there was some progress too this week - my father went to an exercise class, and seemed to even enjoy it!

The class is offered by the local senior center. It's mostly stretching, chair-based exercises, and work with resistance bands. I had taken my father to one class last summer but he refused to go back a second time. That was before his subdural hematoma, brain surgery, and subsequent rehabilitation, however. Last month my father had twice-weekly physical therapy at the local hospital, the last little bit of rehab after his surgery. It took three months to get that arranged and all the paperwork, insurance, etc. taken care of. Needless to say we kids want to make sure he keeps up with something to maintain the progress made in that therapy.

So on Monday I didn't ask, I told my father that we'd be going to the exercise class the next day. I reminded him the next morning and again a half hour before it was time to leave for the class. I told him he didn't have to do all the exercises and could stop whenever he wanted to, and I took the chair behind his so I could keep an eye on how he was doing and step in quickly if it looked like there might be a problem.

There was no problem.

My father did the whole class except a silly "march" they do around the building. He did the modified easier version of some of the exercises, but he did them! He even seemed to be kind of proud that he had completed it, although he didn't say anything about that. He was impressed that one of the exercise leaders was 91 years old - a few years older thy father's 87. And he didn't flinch when I told him that my brother would be taking him to the class today.

And - this couch potato participated in the class too! It wasn't a bad starting workout!

 

[AGBF]

Things are finally starting to calm down over here. Dad is at home, we took him home yesterday and he has a bunch of different appointments to go to over the next week. I'll take him to the one today and then we are driving back to Colorado in the morning and extended family will help us to get him around from that point on.

I have been avoiding this thread, but decided to read from the end backwards and was really caught, among all the suffering in the thread, by what you have gone through random_thought. I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your father and the rest of your family. And I went through infertility treatments when I was not-so young (not 30!). Mine started at around 37, I think. No one ever found out why we couldn't conceive. (We didn't try in vitro.) We adopted. Then two gynecologists warned me to start using birth control (I was 41) because I could conceive!

I can claim a place in this thread, but for now I will pass. My situation is too intense to discuss without a lot of emotion right now. I wish all of you well!

Hugs all around
Deb

 

[junebug17]

VRBeauty, I empathize with you. It is very difficult when you are devoting much of your time and energy to caring for someone and he/she doesn't seem to have any interest in what's going on with you. I think it's natural to feel frustrated and resentful. I think some of it is your father is just kind of consumed with what's going on with him and just doesn't really have the ability to think of others. The fact that he is introverted is probably adding to it as well. I'm taking from your posts your father doesn't have dementia, so hopefully you can get through to him how you are feeling. My mother has vascular dementia so it really isn't possible to reason with her. In fact, she thinks she is perfectly fine and if I want to hang around and do a few things for her, well, that's up to me. It is strange and surreal but I just deal with it the best I can.

It's great that your father enjoyed the class. Moving and staying as active as possible is just so important and it's huge that your father is willing to do it. It will help with his spirits and his physical functioning. Unfortunately my mother threw in the towel the second she came home from the rehab center and has declined a lot in terms of mobility since then.

Deb, I understand how you feel, I feel emotionally drained too and it's with a great effort that I'm posting right now…I do get the feeling, just based on your previous posts, that you and I are in a similar boat. My mother is moving in with me this Sunday - she has been complaining about my brother, and he seems burned out, so the only alternative other than a NH is to live with me. I'm a little scared because I'm already semi-burned out. My biggest worry is her days and nights are completely reversed and I worry how I'm going to get enough sleep to be able to handle it. I'm going through all sorts of emotions and have a lot of anxiety about many things but I will try my best. I know many people, including my husband, feels she should be in a NH but that is not a great option either. I will say my dh is supportive of giving this a try. I understand your feelings but please know I am here to listen anytime you need to vent or just share what's going on with you.

 

[AGBF]

Deb, I understand how you feel, I feel emotionally drained too and it's with a great effort that I'm posting right now…I do get the feeling, just based on your previous posts, that you and I are in a similar boat. My mother is moving in with me this Sunday - she has been complaining about my brother, and he seems burned out, so the only alternative other than a NH is to live with me. I'm a little scared because I'm already semi-burned out. My biggest worry is her days and nights are completely reversed and I worry how I'm going to get enough sleep to be able to handle it. I'm going through all sorts of emotions and have a lot of anxiety about many things but I will try my best. I know many people, including my husband, feels she should be in a NH but that is not a great option either. I will say my dh is supportive of giving this a try. I understand your feelings but please know I am here to listen anytime you need to vent or just share what's going on with you.

You are a doll, junebug. I wish I could say that I am certain I will be reading this thread and, therefore, can be "there" for you, too. All I can say is that I would like to reciprocate but I am not sure I will be reading this to see what you post. You are taking on a very, very hard task (as you know). If I do not continue to read this thread and you want to talk with me, please call out to me on Hangout! I would love to talk to you about your situation at any time.

Thank you so much for your kind words to me.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[junebug17]

^Oh I totally understand Deb! This is a difficult thread that raises lots of emotions. I get it. I belong to a caregiver forum and I have to take frequent breaks from it because it just gets too overwhelming. Please just know that I'm thinking of you and sending thoughts of comfort and peace to you. (((hugs)))

 

[LLJsmom]

^Oh I totally understand Deb! This is a difficult thread that raises lots of emotions. I get it. I belong to a caregiver forum and I have to take frequent breaks from it because it just gets too overwhelming. Please just know that I'm thinking of you and sending thoughts of comfort and peace to you. (((hugs)))

jb, I am thinking about you. (((hug))) Don't forget you are a wonderful daughter, however things turn out.

 

[diamondringlover]

My mom is getting worse, her memory is getting worse, she gets tested for Alzheimer's and Dementia in July(her brother passed away from dementia last November.)..I am unable to go because of work, but hubby and my oldest sister are taking her so someone will be with her. She is still living on her own and doing ok with it, I tried to get her to add me to her bank accounts and so far she has made multiple excuses..I do have durable power of attorney..hopefully I can get on her accounts so that I can monitor her money to make sure she isn't doing stupid things with it. My prayers go out to everyone dealing with this difficult issues...I find that it all just sucks.

 

[AGBF]

It's only a little after 5:30 AM where I am. I haven't repeated this to anyone out loud since it happened. Not that it was a big event. It was not an event at all. But it hit me. I'll just tell you. Last night my father was on the toilet. I, now, have become accustomed to checking on him even when he is on the toilet. Such a thing would have been unthinkable even a few months ago, but his falls onto the bathroom floor, have made modesty ridiculous. He wears pull ups. He had on a new pair, around his ankles. I asked if his pants were dry. He didn't say "yes' right away, although he said"yes", so I felt them. They were damp. I removed them from around his ankles and put them into a bag to be washed. I got a fresh pair and put them onto his ankles. (He holds out his feet-they are often, as they were last night, clad in orange skid-proof hospital socks.) Then he stood up and i pulled up his pull-ups and pants. He has to hold onto something. He is so frail that he can barely stand, even holding on, and it tires him just to stand. As always when I get the pull-ups and pants up to his waist, above where he could get them on his own, he praised me. Sometimes he says, "Good job!'. Sometimes he says, "Wonderful!". He always lets me know he is delighted to have the pants in place. But last night he said, "I always knew I had a good mother".

It really took me by surprise. I had no one to tell. I am still processing that. Thanks for listening.

Deb

 

[missy]

Aww, heartbreaking but also uplifting reading your stories. Heartbreaking because of what you and your loved ones are dealing with but uplifting because there is so much love here. Your parents are lucky for having such loving children and I am sending much love and big hugs and good thoughts to everyone. Aging is not for sissies as Bette Davis so wisely said or more specifically "“Old age ain't no place for sissies” and there are sure no sissies here on PS. (((HUGS))).

And Junie a special shout out to you and kudos for the wonderful daughter, mother and wife you are. Biggest hugs and much love and hope the weekend went well.

 

[rainwood]

Deb, I'm so sorry. And it is a big event, especially the first time, although you never get used to it. A few days before she died, I was talking to my mother who had Alzheimer's. She thanked me for doing something for her (I forget what it was) and I said "I'm happy to do it. You're my mom." She looked at me lovingly then said "And you're my mom." Broke my heart into tiny pieces.

 

[AGBF]

Deb, I'm so sorry. And it is a big event, especially the first time, although you never get used to it. A few days before she died, I was talking to my mother who had Alzheimer's. She thanked me for doing something for her (I forget what it was) and I said "I'm happy to do it. You're my mom." She looked at me lovingly then said "And you're my mom." Broke my heart into tiny pieces.

Thank you for sharing that, rainwood. You have really been where i just went. It is comforting to know that someone understands on such a deep level. (But, then, again, didn't I say you could have been a psychotherapist? Wait! Wrong thread! )

Deb

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

How are things going, ladies? I am concerned and interested in how folks are, and how everyone is managing.

cheers--Sharon

 

[VRBeauty]

Thank you for checking in on us, Sharon. My situation has changed and I owe you all an update.

My younger brother's mother-in-law is now living with my father, taking care of his meals and some light housekeeping. She had been living with other distant relatives in a less than ideal situation. She had visited my father's home a few times with my SIL (her daughter) and liked it there, and agreed to move in there more or less full-time. We are paying her, but far less than it would cost us to hire full-time care. (My father is ambulatory and takes care of most of his own needs. He doesn't eat well on his own though, so he needs someone there mainly to ensure that he eats well and to be there in the event that he falls or something.) There are still logistics to be dealt with since neither she no my father are driving right now, and they live in a rural area, but we're getting those things straightened out.

She moved in just a little over a week ago - and I have to admit that for the first week it didn't totally register for me - I couldn't believe the arrangement would work or last. The tension I was carrying in my body really didn't start to dissipate until I went back last weekend and saw for myself. She is comfortable there and looks happy, and my father looks far more relaxed than he ever did when my brother or I were staying there. I'm incredibly relieved, and I could tell that the brother who was sharing father duties with me is relieved too.

I retired 2 1/2 years ago with plans to take spend a year or so taking care of deferred maintenance around my home. The first of the family health crises started before I'd even retired, to be followed by three deaths, my father's brain surgery, and then his inability to live alone. Having someone live with him now, it feels like a huge burden has been lifted. I feel like my retirement has just started - and I have no more excuses for not tackling all those home projects.

I realize this set-up isn't permanent and in fact it may not last all that long, for any number of reasons. (My brother and SIL were hesitant to do this initially because apparently the MIL has a tendency not to stay put for that long.) But - six months will probably allow me to tackle the most pressing projects, and a year will allow me to get to a point of calm. I'll be in a much better place to deal with caretaking issues If I can get that extended time to take care of my own stuff.

So - thank you for asking. I hope others are also finding some respite from of solutions to their elder care challenges.

 

[missy]

Sharon, thank you for bringing this thread to the forefront.

VRBeauty, thank you for your update. I hope this unique care taking situation continues to go well. What a great solution for everyone. And I hope you start really relaxing and being able to enjoy your retirement, (((hugs))).

Keeping everyone in this thread in my thoughts and sending healing vibes to all our loved ones who need them.

 

[missy]

Deb, how is your best friend's recovery going? How is your dad doing? And how is your DD? Thinking of all of you. (((Hugs))).


Junie, sweetheart, keeping you and your mom in my thoughts. (((Hugs))).



Thinking of you random-thought and Kelinas. Hoping things are improving. Hugs.

 

[CJ2008]

VRBeauty

I'm so relieved for you and so happy to hear that this arrangement is working for now, even if it won't last forever. And so glad to hear your dad looks more relaxed.

Just glad to hear this update all around.

 

[KaeKae]

I am so glad to see you have an arrangement that works for now.
I don't know if I shared it earlier in the thread, that my brother and I faced a related issue with our aunt. We are her closest relatives. Long story, short, late last fall, we were able to move her into a great place, and she appears to have settled in well. As you were saying, it's such a relief to the stress level, knowing she's in a safe place, with people who care about her well being. For me, across the stinking country, I feel better about my brother's role in it all. And for my brother, it's a huge relief that he no longer has to travel far to check on her in her less than safe apartment, then the mediocre place we had to move her into at first. She's a few miles from him now.
You and your brother are doing the right thing. Fingers crossed that everything continues to go well and even improves so it works for you all.

 

[canuk-gal]

Thank you for checking in on us, Sharon. My situation has changed and I owe you all an update.

My younger brother's mother-in-law is now living with my father, taking care of his meals and some light housekeeping. She had been living with other distant relatives in a less than ideal situation. She had visited my father's home a few times with my SIL (her daughter) and liked it there, and agreed to move in there more or less full-time. We are paying her, but far less than it would cost us to hire full-time care. (My father is ambulatory and takes care of most of his own needs. He doesn't eat well on his own though, so he needs someone there mainly to ensure that he eats well and to be there in the event that he falls or something.) There are still logistics to be dealt with since neither she no my father are driving right now, and they live in a rural area, but we're getting those things straightened out.

She moved in just a little over a week ago - and I have to admit that for the first week it didn't totally register for me - I couldn't believe the arrangement would work or last. The tension I was carrying in my body really didn't start to dissipate until I went back last weekend and saw for myself. She is comfortable there and looks happy, and my father looks far more relaxed than he ever did when my brother or I were staying there. I'm incredibly relieved, and I could tell that the brother who was sharing father duties with me is relieved too.

I retired 2 1/2 years ago with plans to take spend a year or so taking care of deferred maintenance around my home. The first of the family health crises started before I'd even retired, to be followed by three deaths, my father's brain surgery, and then his inability to live alone. Having someone live with him now, it feels like a huge burden has been lifted. I feel like my retirement has just started - and I have no more excuses for not tackling all those home projects.

I realize this set-up isn't permanent and in fact it may not last all that long, for any number of reasons. (My brother and SIL were hesitant to do this initially because apparently the MIL has a tendency not to stay put for that long.) But - six months will probably allow me to tackle the most pressing projects, and a year will allow me to get to a point of calm. I'll be in a much better place to deal with caretaking issues If I can get that extended time to take care of my own stuff.

So - thank you for asking. I hope others are also finding some respite from of solutions to their elder care challenges.

VRB: Thank you for sharing. Your posts are very fluid--always, really lovely to read.

It is often a mystery how our lives unfold....lived experience reminds us of that. Sometimes worlds colliding are helpful and at present your family has received respite. Keep us posted!

cheers--Sharon

 

[canuk-gal]

I am so glad to see you have an arrangement that works for now.
I don't know if I shared it earlier in the thread, that my brother and I faced a related issue with our aunt. We are her closest relatives. Long story, short, late last fall, we were able to move her into a great place, and she appears to have settled in well. As you were saying, it's such a relief to the stress level, knowing she's in a safe place, with people who care about her well being. For me, across the stinking country, I feel better about my brother's role in it all. And for my brother, it's a huge relief that he no longer has to travel far to check on her in her less than safe apartment, then the mediocre place we had to move her into at first. She's a few miles from him now.
You and your brother are doing the right thing. Fingers crossed that everything continues to go well and even improves so it works for you all.

KaeKae:

Much success to you and your family, moving family is no small thing!!

cheers--Sharon

 

[VRBeauty]

C-gal, CJ208, Missy, and KaeKae - thank you all for your concern and good wishes!

 

[diamondringlover]

my mom got tested finally in July she has memory impairment...not alzheimer or dementia, at least not yet...she is holding her own they have her on some meds but she just started them last week (she couldnt get into the neurologist till August), the doctor thinks it should keep her at the level she is currently at...which is a functioning level...I hope it works!

 

[CJ2008]

Hi VRBeauty,

How is your dad doing?

 

[pregcurious]

Jambalaya, I found that taking care of my kids is a more of a positive experience because there is hope. They get better. Of course, I can understand parents who are overwhelmed taking care of their kids, because sometimes it seems hopeless. Children may also have a mental or physical condition, and that can seem more unjust than when the same condition manifests in adults. Plus children represent unending work, assuming they live long, which is a good thing.

 

[whitewave]

Well, my MIL appears to have dementia based on a recent CT scan of her head (wish they had done an MRI). I took her to the ER a few weeks ago for high blood pressure dizziness and they ordered it to rule out a stroke (I been suspecting it since she off and on says the most bizarre things).

She is a only child and DH is an only child, so that means this burden has fallen on ME. She lives alone ten minutes from us.

Thank god her doctor ordered her home health-- so now once a week she gets a visit and someone who listens to her complaints. The doc also started her on an alzheimers drug.

I have no idea what do to. DH and I are both clear that I cannot be her caregiver-- I have health issues and cannot take on this burden. She has been beligerent with not wanting to add anyone to her checking accounts, etc, so she has entirely too much money and home ownership to even think about a nursing home.

She finally agreed to add me to HIPAA last week. She says she will add dh to her accounts, but she has not called the bank to set that up. (She has to do it herself-- the bank won't deal with me obviously).

So it's just a large giant mess over here...... that is why I had caysie reset my ring-- so I can look at sparkle sparkle while trying to figure this clusterF out.

 

[Jambalaya]

Jambalaya, I found that taking care of my kids is a more of a positive experience because there is hope. They get better. Of course, I can understand parents who are overwhelmed taking care of their kids, because sometimes it seems hopeless. Children may also have a mental or physical condition, and that can seem more unjust than when the same condition manifests in adults. Plus children represent unending work, assuming they live long, which is a good thing.

Huh? Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. Are you referencing my message from sixteen months ago? If so, the children that the selfish sibling was taking care of were totally and completely healthy. She was being a normal mother to normal kids, but cared about them and her husband to the exclusion of her elderly sick parent.

 

[pregcurious]

That's a beautiful story, Pregcurious. I am so sorry that you lost both your parents in the same year. How awful for you. You sound very wise to have embraced the experience and learned about yourself. You say you wish you had done more but I'm sure you did a beautiful job.

I took care of my parents too and found it a huge strain. I always thought it would be similar to having kids - I mean, my parents needed every meal, every snack, and every drink made for them as they refused to go anywhere near the kitchen. They wouldn't even make themselves a cup of coffee. They also relied solely on me for entertainment and refused to see anyone else. I think my parents were especially demanding in their old age though. So it's interesting to hear that you say it's like having kids. I imagine doing it for kids is more rewarding though. You get to see them grow, and you know you will have a much more equal relationship when they are adults and can look forward to that.

It sounds as if you did a grand job with your parents. You must miss them. Hugs xxx

I was thinking of this post. Just a general comment that taking care of kids can be great, but really difficult!