My engagement ring upsets me. Please Help

[cookies]

This is probably not what you want to hear, but I really like the ring you got! The setting is beautiful and not over the top. I think your husband-to-be and in-laws-to-be have very good taste! The Tiffany-style solitaire that you want is elegant, but I find it a bit boring, compared to the one you got. Down the road, if you still desire the solitaire, you could always treat yourself and get one by yourself as a right hand ring or something, perhaps with a colored gemstone in it.

 

[Laila619]

We'll, I'm going to offer a different perspective:

Not everyone gets a say in their engagement ring, and I've come to realize over the years that it's just not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Your heirloom ring is really beautiful. It's not like it's some hideous, ugly piece. The diamond looks to be a nice size too. Why not just enjoy it for what it is, and be happy to be engaged to your dream guy? It's very practical and smart to use an heirloom ring, since it saves a lot of money. You can use that money for other things, like a house, a wedding, kids, trips, etc.

 

[ame]

While I love the ring you received, I have an issue with the fact that your joint decision was ignored, and is repeatedly ignored because of what HE thinks is RIGHT. This is control. He is being controlling. And that will only continue, and likely only get worse.

I think you need to consider counseling, and I know this will be an unpopular response, but if that doesn't work, or he won't consider it, reconsider marrying this person. His stubbornness is a sign of a bigger problem, and one he's not being open about. But ultimately, it comes back to control. He's trying to control this situation, and refuses to be open and honest about what you two jointly agreed on. It might be this ring now, and if you just roll over and accept it, you two will fight over all major decisions. Homes. Jobs. Kids. Discipline. Family events. And the fights will only get worse and harder. He will expect you to roll over and let him make the final "right" decision instead of it being a joint decision. As a couple you can disagree. But you have to come to AN agreement to move forward. He doesn't seem willing to do that because that relinquishes control.

 

[packrat]

I'm all hopped up on caffeine, so take me w/a grain of salt. Or lots of water to flush out that caffeine..

The heirloom ring is gorgeous from what I could see--would love to see a side shot, actually, to see that the gallery looks like..

I like it better than the ring you guys picked out together, actually. Buuuuut....I gotta say, were it me, I'd not be able to let it go. I get sometimes you have to choose your arguments and not hunt the skinny rabbits. The engagement is about you guys, you and your fiance, not his family or your family, or the neighbors or random smarties on the internet. Not taking your thoughts/feelings into consideration, makes it NOT about you. And, an engagement ring isn't a...well, it's not a pee-pot little trifling thing, it's kinda important to (a lot of) girls. Any guy w/half a brain who wants to get engaged to his girlfriend knows if she's into jewelry or if it's not a big deal to her. If it's a big deal to her, any guy w/half a brain who wants to have a happy fiance/wife/marriage/life, best be doing what *she* wants. Not what great aunt hilda wants. You said if it was about the money you'd be happy w/a plain band for now--soooo then he can't even bring himself to spend $100 on you? To make you happy? I get that free is better than $100. But a happy fiance is worth $100. That $100 isn't going to make or break the buying of a house, promise.

Best friends should be able to talk and see each other's point of view. Even tho it sucks. I hate hate hate confrontation with a passion, makes me sick to my stomach and like my head is floating above my body, but it has to be done. My best friend/husband and I have had some seeeerious discussions in our almost 13 years of marriage, and almost 22 years of being best friends. I have had to point blank tell him he would need to choose between me and his mother. I'm still here. We're a more traditional couple, but the one thing he has always been adamant about (when people have told him he's not acting as the "head" of the household at times, by letting me have a say in things) is that he didn't marry a slave. We are equal. And by gosh and by golly, I tell those people he can be the head of the household, but I'm the NECK that turns the head.

It makes me wonder how he views your thoughts/feelings/opinions, since he discounted them on your engagement ring--and yes, he did discount them, even tho he thought he was making a compromise by altering the setting to be more like what you wanted--he didn't discuss it w/you before hand, so yes, he discounted you. Will he decide to buy a house w/out your agreement? This one isn't *exactly* like the one you both fell in love w/and agreed on, but yanno, it's got three bedrooms like that one, so it's KINDA the same, so I chose the one my family and I looked at and you have to deal w/it. Cuz that's what he's asking you to do. And if you let this go, what else will you have to suck it up and deal w/? If he's traditional, you'll be dealing w/a lot.

So...then technically, he would be ok w/you changing up anything you give him, that he specifically asks for, right? Aw but honey, I know we saw this Rolex that you really liked for your gift but my cousin's gramma found this heirloom Timex behind the couch, and I mean...we ARE saving for a house, right?

Off to drink about a gallon of water and flush my system..

I hope you can come to an agreement. *I* myself would keep the one you have b/c it's beautiful...but I'd reset the diamond later b/c it's my personal preference for old cut stones. And I would pick out my OWN wedding band. By myself.

 

[arkieb1]

I had a very similar thing happen to me many many years ago, my husband's mother purchased a ruby as a centre stone and two diamond pears as side stones because my husband and his family decided that would some how be better for me, when at the time all I wanted was a diamond solitaire.

Retrospectively it was a pretty ring but at the time I hated it because I resented the fact that my MIL picked my ring, and that my husband gave me something that he thought was going to be better rather than listening to what I actually wanted.

This is what I see going on in your case. The ring he has given you IMHO is nicer than the one you picked so he probably can't see things from your point of view, he thinks he gave you a prettier ring and he saved money so he thought he was doing something great. I can totally relate to what you are saying, because you though you were getting something else, you picked it out together and you invested your time and emotional energy into that and now he has not considered you feelings when picking something else, so it doesn't matter one way or the other if the family ring is better worse or whatever, the simple truth is that he has not listened to you and now you look at the ring and it bothers you.

Again I understand this, my ring bothered me for years, and it actually became an underlying issue in our marriage (along with a whole heap of other issues that I won't get into here). I don't want you to go down the same path, so I guess here are some points that I experienced. My husband never got why it upset me. I explained it to him, but he thought he was doing something wonderful for me and he just really could not see it from my point of view. I think your guy is possibly the same. I managed to hurt my husbands feelings a lot by rejecting something he gave me, I can see that now, I am sure you can see that as well. He hurt my feelings a lot by not listening to me, and by not getting why it upset me.

So how do you both find some middle ground? Can you reset the centre diamond into a solitaire style setting or is it an old cut and you want a modern cut? Can you sell the ring and use the money to buy a new ring you like? I understand it is a family piece so selling it might not be an option. Can you wear it as a right hand ring and buy a simple band for the other hand until one day when you can upgrade to a ring that you like for the other hand.

Perhaps show your husband this post and explain while he doesn't get it now, in the long run making you happy and compromising is going to give you a more solid base to your marriage than starting it with something that you look at every day that bothers you. I can honestly say that if at the time my husband fully realised how hurt and upset I was by his choice then he would have given me what I wanted, but some men they really don't get it, rings, diamonds and so on are not important to them. They are not bad people they are just wired to look at the world differently that is all.

If I had a magic wand and could rewind time I would have handled what happened to me very differently, so would my husband. Marriage is frequently about compromise, the trick is knowing when to dig your heels in with something and when to let it go.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I just wanted to mention this even though it probably won't be helpful to you at this point.

MANY of us who are regulars here started out with ideal cut rounds in solitaire settings with diamond wedding bands almost just like the set you chose. It is classic, elegant, and beautiful. But over time, many of us have changed rings and ended up with old cut diamonds and antique style settings, myself included! I could name a LOT of people here who did that. So that is one reason you will hear a lot of us saying that we like the heirloom ring more, and we mean it to the point that we traded in or sold our modern round brilliants (beautiful but very common) for antique or antique style diamonds in antique style settings! Of course, we can't see the diamond clearly in the pictures to know what it really looks like. Does the diamond look pretty to you or does it look poorly cut or something?

I know this doesn't matter to you because you are hurt that he changed gears without consulting you. But I think it IS a compliment to you that the family allowed him to give you the ring rather than giving it to a daughter or granddaughter.

 

[Cehrabehra]

There are so many ways to go with this, and it's really easy to be opinionated about someone *else's love life and relationships.

you mentioned that you would have been happy with a plain band... this is what I would do, at this point:

I would be honest and tell him that I wasn't happy with the change and that when it came to the wedding ring that you insisted that it be something the two of you chose together. Then I would stick the unloved e-ring in a jewelry box and never bring it up again. I mean, you either are willing to confront it and deal with the consequences of the confrontation, or you realize it isn't worth the fight. I would not let anything get between you and what you want for your wedding ring though.

Good luck! I didn't speak up about what I wanted when I got married and I waited 15 years to get my engagement ring. You can either speak your mind or bury it and move on - but you can't hold it over your marriage, that's just doom and gloom.

 

[GliderPoss]

Interesting thread...

From a female perspective I can understand why you are upset and I suggest counselling BEFORE marriage to resolve any "control" issues.

From a male pespective both rings look so remarkably similar so he probably cannot really understand WHY you are so upset! Both are round diamonds on a white gold/platinum band.

Personally I like the heirloom one better anyway. I suggest returning it and wearing a plain band for now until the issue is resolved.

 

[lioness]

While I love the ring you received, I have an issue with the fact that your joint decision was ignored, and is repeatedly ignored because of what HE thinks is RIGHT. This is control. He is being controlling. And that will only continue, and likely only get worse.

I think you need to consider counseling, and I know this will be an unpopular response, but if that doesn't work, or he won't consider it, reconsider marrying this person. His stubbornness is a sign of a bigger problem, and one he's not being open about. But ultimately, it comes back to control. He's trying to control this situation, and refuses to be open and honest about what you two jointly agreed on. It might be this ring now, and if you just roll over and accept it, you two will fight over all major decisions. Homes. Jobs. Kids. Discipline. Family events. And the fights will only get worse and harder. He will expect you to roll over and let him make the final "right" decision instead of it being a joint decision. As a couple you can disagree. But you have to come to AN agreement to move forward. He doesn't seem willing to do that because that relinquishes control.

This.

 

[pregcurious]

There is nothing wrong with wanting to pass on a family heirloom, but if you aren't on board with it, there is no reason it has to also serve as your engagement ring. Annniversary ring later? Sure. Push present? Sure. There are other occasions that family heirlooms can be shared on.

He was prepared to budget for your ring before this ring was offered, so I'm not sure why that still can't be so. I get that he now sees a way to reallocate that $$ to a house, but if the end result is that you're feeling overlooked, that's not really a great plan.

I get that he may not want his family to feel their generosity was rejected; if that's the case, he can say that if the ring was offered for any other occasion, you'd both happily accept and cherish it -- but emphasize that it's important to both of you to proceed with a ring you've picked together for your engagement.

This is the person who is supposed to put you above all others, and if he's prepared to marry you, there's no time like the present to begin doing so.

So well put.

You can also try explaining it to him like this. If you and he went out to shop for wedding bands, and agreed on a each other's wedding bands, how would he feel if afterwards someone from your family gave you a wedding band for him to wear. Not only any wedding band, but one from someone neither of you had never met, and one that he did not like.

You both should have the option of picking something you like as this is something you could wear every day for the rest of your life! It is not a t-shirt, or like any other piece of jewelry!

Another thing to realize is that you may not be a good fit for someone like him. Can you change? It sounds like he is never going to budge, so you will have to. Maybe he needs someone who is just grateful and doesn't have strong opinions?

 

[mrsthomas]

Im a little confused. If his family place no value in items like jewelry, so much so that the ring was literally just lying around the house, why is it so important that it become your engagement ring? I thought heirloom items were more about sentiment than value, and they clearly have little to no sentiment attached to the ring.

 

[kellc]

I won't add too much since there's so much great advice here. I've run into similar issues with my DH's family having what I view as no boundaries, when I'm an extremely private person. For a long time he just didn't get it, but he has come around a lot. I think one thing that's helpful in situations like these is for you to really think about what you want next.

Remember that you can't go back and change the past. You would've preferred he gave you the e-ring you chose together, and he knows that now. You would've preferred he discussed the heirloom ring with you more before giving it to you - letting you know why it was important to him, and taking your opinions into account. It's fine to let him know that for next time, but try not to dwell on it.

I think guys often do best when you say exactly what it is you want to happen NOW to make things better - it does sound like he wants to help, but isn't sure how. Do you want to go try on the original ring? Could he give you the original e-ring as a wedding band (not traditional but so what?)? Do you want to pop the heirloom diamond out of the setting to see how it would look in a more modern setting (I think this could be really fun!)? Do you want to forget the heirloom ring, and focus on finding a blingy wedding band to replace it?

It sounds like right now you both feel bad, and don't know what to do about it. Rehashing the discussion doesn't seem to be helping, so I think a couple of clear actionable steps to take would help. No more 'what could he have done?' but 'what can we do now?'. Good luck to you!

 

[anne_h]

While I love the ring you received, I have an issue with the fact that your joint decision was ignored, and is repeatedly ignored because of what HE thinks is RIGHT. This is control. He is being controlling. And that will only continue, and likely only get worse.

I think you need to consider counseling, and I know this will be an unpopular response, but if that doesn't work, or he won't consider it, reconsider marrying this person. His stubbornness is a sign of a bigger problem, and one he's not being open about. But ultimately, it comes back to control. He's trying to control this situation, and refuses to be open and honest about what you two jointly agreed on. It might be this ring now, and if you just roll over and accept it, you two will fight over all major decisions. Homes. Jobs. Kids. Discipline. Family events. And the fights will only get worse and harder. He will expect you to roll over and let him make the final "right" decision instead of it being a joint decision. As a couple you can disagree. But you have to come to AN agreement to move forward. He doesn't seem willing to do that because that relinquishes control.

This.

Thritto. Especially given what you said in your last post. In my experience, gender-role ideals can take a long time to change (if ever), especially if modelled/reinforced by immediate family.

I know you may be getting more than ring advice at this point, but please know we all really just want the best for you, and for you to have the highest probability of a happy marriage in the long-run.

Anne

PS - Seriously consider couples counseling. It doesn't mean anyone is sick or broken. It just means you both care about your relationship enough to have a specialist help you have some important conversations. There is zero downside (other than cost!), lol, which I would actually consider a wise investment.

 

[Elle711]

Hi Everyone,

It has become obvious to me that I need to clarify some things. My FI is a wonderful man who wouldn't even hurt a fly on purpose. He is not controlling or demanding and I feel kind of bad that through my upset rambling I have portrayed him that way. I really do believe that most of you are dead on when you say he really thought he was doing the perfect thing. He is a very sentimental person when it comes to family, especially his grandfather, so I get why the ring would mean a lot to him even if the actual value of it didn't. (A bit of background - he just took over the company that his great grandfather started and it is his wife's right that I now wear. So we did not meet her but I can see why he's attached).

By talking to him I have also come to realized that he thought he had made the ring more beautiful and unique than the one we selected. I think he felt I was "too special" to have such a plain ring such as the one we picked out. Yes I am still upset that he didn't consider asking me first and yes I am upset because I don't love the ring. But as you have told me, I need to move on and figure out a solution to the problem. His intentions were purely good which is great news and I at least now can love all of the thought and effort he put into it, even if he did leave mine out in the process.

I am going to try to love the ring and we have decided to go wedding band shopping this weekend to have another fun joint effort selection process like the one I felt had been overlooked. A fresh start. I am a little nervous because the diamond in the heirloom ring is what bothers me more than the setting. The cut is not an OEC or an OMC it is more of a pre-req. for the round brilliant and as a result it is not very "brilliant." This bothers me mostly because he over looked all of the time and effort I put into researching how to get the best shine for the least amount of money. He really just sees a pretty stone and has no idea that I don't like the cut/clarity.

Anyway, I am worried that the modern cut stones of the diamond band I want are going to make the heirloom ring look very dull. I will take pictures and post them. I would love to get everyone's advice! I also plan to talk to him about possibly still getting another diamond (hopefully the one we picked out- or similar i guess because I'm sure that one will be gone) around our 5 year wedding anniversary and at that time I would take my current diamond and change it into a pendant necklace to wear always. Thoughts?

 

[vintagelover229]

Hi Everyone,

It has become obvious to me that I need to clarify some things. My FI is a wonderful man who wouldn't even hurt a fly on purpose. He is not controlling or demanding and I feel kind of bad that through my upset rambling I have portrayed him that way. I really do believe that most of you are dead on when you say he really thought he was doing the perfect thing. He is a very sentimental person when it comes to family, especially his grandfather, so I get why the ring would mean a lot to him even if the actual value of it didn't. (A bit of background - he just took over the company that his great grandfather started and it is his wife's right that I now wear. So we did not meet her but I can see why he's attached).

By talking to him I have also come to realized that he thought he had made the ring more beautiful and unique than the one we selected. I think he felt I was "too special" to have such a plain ring such as the one we picked out. Yes I am still upset that he didn't consider asking me first and yes I am upset because I don't love the ring. But as you have told me, I need to move on and figure out a solution to the problem. His intentions were purely good which is great news and I at least now can love all of the thought and effort he put into it, even if he did leave mine out in the process.

I am going to try to love the ring and we have decided to go wedding band shopping this weekend to have another fun joint effort selection process like the one I felt had been overlooked. A fresh start. I am a little nervous because the diamond in the heirloom ring is what bothers me more than the setting. The cut is not an OEC or an OMC it is more of a pre-req. for the round brilliant and as a result it is not very "brilliant." This bothers me mostly because he over looked all of the time and effort I put into researching how to get the best shine for the least amount of money. He really just sees a pretty stone and has no idea that I don't like the cut/clarity.

Anyway, I am worried that the modern cut stones of the diamond band I want are going to make the heirloom ring look very dull. I will take pictures and post them. I would love to get everyone's advice! I also plan to talk to him about possibly still getting another diamond (hopefully the one we picked out- or similar i guess because I'm sure that one will be gone) around our 5 year wedding anniversary and at that time I would take my current diamond and change it into a pendant necklace to wear always. Thoughts?

I'm so glad to read this update! I understand how you feel about not having a perfectly cut stone-bc mine isn't a MRB or an OEC but also in the 'transitional peroid' and let me tell you-in over cast lighting and at night this thing is a fire ball

The option to get it recut is always there if its a good contender. But I can say after almost 4 years of wearing my ring I do get a lot of enjoyment out of it even though it's not my 'dream ring'.

There are plenty of diamonds out there to be had for other projects and RHR and what not-I think although you don't have a huge connection to the stone/ring itself perhaps you should dwell on the fact that the family (and your FI) love you so much that they are happy to see you wearing something that held such meaning in the family (even if they aren't jewelery people).

I think you'll have fun wedding band shopping. Lots of options will work with your ring and perhaps you can find a lovely RHR that your FI will pick up as a wedding gift that will make you both feel better about it

 

[Dreamer_D]

How about this solution... Wear the heirloom ring as your ering, and select a lovely stand alone five-stone ring for your wedding band. And when you are married, resize your heirloom ring to wear on your right hand and wear your blingly, ideal cut, five stone alone on your left! Win win. Years from now if your still want anMRB solitaire you can get one.

 

[CharmyPoo]

If it helps, there are a lot of transitional cut lovers here. Perhaps we are biased but many of us like old cuts more

 

[lnl001]

I am a converted lover of antiques from MRB. I'm about to set an OEC.

I love the ring he presented. Just add a bling wed-ring! And WOW!

Relationship advicewise.. Hind sight. You two are not on same communication wave. No amount of communication is going to change that in 1-2 yrs with or w/out professional counsel. Your red flags are sound and you are resisting. That's why you are upset.
He hasn't done anything wrong. He probably thought wow! This is better, my family loves her, I have money that I can spend/save on something else for her-- Etc. he's not a cad, just different than you. You and he have a disparity. And You- not he- need to think about what five years from now- and how You will be and react because little things add up.. Just like now, all the little things have culminated into the red flags you are feeling.

.. And I don't buy the line that his family doesn't have any care about jewelry.. They obviously do Since they have a "family jeweler" as well as such a nice piece. And probably have a lot of pieces where - yes- easy to forget what you've got in the inventory. I have a friend who has a huge collection and doesn't know what she has until she takes the time to go through it.

 

[fioratura]

All other issues aside, I think your e-ring is absolutely stunning and I much prefer it over the MRB solitaire! MRBs aren't going anywhere soon so you have the rest of your life to collect them if you so choose. An heirloom piece like that is rare and unique. I love the history that comes with antique pieces, and even though you didn't know the original owner personally, it would be so interesting to hear stories about the woman who used to own your ring. I always wish I could have that kind of background knowledge and connection to my estate pieces.

Do you know very much about the ring and the diamond? Maybe if you bring it to an appraiser and learn a little more about it and its value you'll feel better. Or, if the diamond is not well cut, you can find out about re-cutting or talk to your fiance about using the setting but putting in a new stone (would his family even know the difference if you did that?) Also, have it professionally cleaned and polished, and if it's white gold, have the rhodium re-plated.

So let's get the the important part! I want to see more photos! It looks like you have some really special eye candy, so please share! I'd love to see some side shots!

 

[apacherose]

By talking to him I have also come to realized that he thought he had made the ring more beautiful and unique than the one we selected. I think he felt I was "too special" to have such a plain ring such as the one we picked out. Yes I am still upset that he didn't consider asking me first and yes I am upset because I don't love the ring. But as you have told me, I need to move on and figure out a solution to the problem. His intentions were purely good which is great news and I at least now can love all of the thought and effort he put into it, even if he did leave mine out in the process.

I am going to try to love the ring and we have decided to go wedding band shopping this weekend to have another fun joint effort selection process like the one I felt had been overlooked. A fresh start. quote]

Dear Elle 711- I'm so pleased to read this! I am not a good advice giver as my marriage has been far from perfect but I know that I have lived to regret not graciously accepting gifts chosen for me by my husband.(once he bought me a piece of furniture, a bed, for my birthday- um, do you think I might like to have been consulted about furniture????lol!) To me it sounds like you have a wonderful man who loves you a bunch. The older I get the more sentimental I am. It is no longer in the master bedroom but years later I love that bed- thinking of him going to the trendy artsy furniture store he knew I loved and choosing something he thought I'd appreciate means so much to me now- years ago I just resented him not consulting me and it took the joy away from that beautiful gift.

I do love your actual ring so much- it really is special and unique. I hope you grow to truly love it. Wear it in health and happiness!

 

[mandasand]

Engagement rings are meant to be a gift. A symbol of the giver wanting to marry. It's great if the receiver loves it but I don't think it's that important. What's more important is making a commitment to one another. It's just a material item it doesn't reflect the kind of person he is whether or not he consults you, buys the one you "want" or does his own thing. The ring probably wasn't "laying around." Usually families keep these items so that they can be passed down. He sounds like a family man which is a good thing. Men are different creatures than women. While they want to please us, they worry about different things like being financially secure. It sounds like he wants to make sure that you're financially stable as you enter into marriage. Be glad for that.

I still don't understand why you would be hurt. Because you didn't get what you want? It's a gift which you should accept graciously.

 

[LLJsmom]

Dear Elle711, I read through every post and am happy for you that you have found a way to move on about the ring. However, just based on your comments and reflections, the ring isn't even the point anymore. At the end of the day, PSers here have many different suggestions to address the ring issue. That's the easy part.

You've gone through the process of understanding where he came from. You've reconciled yourself to your ring and why he did what he did, his reasoning behind it. Has he done the same for you? Does he understand why you feel the way you do, or did? Once understanding your position, did he say to you that you should choose to wear what makes you happy and at peace?

After you get married, issues only get bigger. Do you agree on money, children, how you will raise them, schools, religion etc? I'm just saying you will probably want to address these questions and be sure you are on the same wavelength. Because if you aren't, will he be able to hear you such that both parties' perspectives are heard and respected, or will you need to be the one to "understand" and reconcile yourself to his opinions and decisions? I hope everything works out the best for you and your fiance. You both seem very sincere in your love for each other.

Hi Everyone,

It has become obvious to me that I need to clarify some things. My FI is a wonderful man who wouldn't even hurt a fly on purpose. He is not controlling or demanding and I feel kind of bad that through my upset rambling I have portrayed him that way. I really do believe that most of you are dead on when you say he really thought he was doing the perfect thing. He is a very sentimental person when it comes to family, especially his grandfather, so I get why the ring would mean a lot to him even if the actual value of it didn't. (A bit of background - he just took over the company that his great grandfather started and it is his wife's right that I now wear. So we did not meet her but I can see why he's attached).

By talking to him I have also come to realized that he thought he had made the ring more beautiful and unique than the one we selected. I think he felt I was "too special" to have such a plain ring such as the one we picked out. Yes I am still upset that he didn't consider asking me first and yes I am upset because I don't love the ring. But as you have told me, I need to move on and figure out a solution to the problem. His intentions were purely good which is great news and I at least now can love all of the thought and effort he put into it, even if he did leave mine out in the process.

I am going to try to love the ring and we have decided to go wedding band shopping this weekend to have another fun joint effort selection process like the one I felt had been overlooked. A fresh start. I am a little nervous because the diamond in the heirloom ring is what bothers me more than the setting. The cut is not an OEC or an OMC it is more of a pre-req. for the round brilliant and as a result it is not very "brilliant." This bothers me mostly because he over looked all of the time and effort I put into researching how to get the best shine for the least amount of money. He really just sees a pretty stone and has no idea that I don't like the cut/clarity.

Anyway, I am worried that the modern cut stones of the diamond band I want are going to make the heirloom ring look very dull. I will take pictures and post them. I would love to get everyone's advice! I also plan to talk to him about possibly still getting another diamond (hopefully the one we picked out- or similar i guess because I'm sure that one will be gone) around our 5 year wedding anniversary and at that time I would take my current diamond and change it into a pendant necklace to wear always. Thoughts?

 

[marymm]

Engagement rings are meant to be a gift. A symbol of the giver wanting to marry. It's great if the receiver loves it but I don't think it's that important. What's more important is making a commitment to one another. It's just a material item it doesn't reflect the kind of person he is whether or not he consults you, buys the one you "want" or does his own thing. The ring probably wasn't "laying around." Usually families keep these items so that they can be passed down. He sounds like a family man which is a good thing. Men are different creatures than women. While they want to please us, they worry about different things like being financially secure. It sounds like he wants to make sure that you're financially stable as you enter into marriage. Be glad for that.

I still don't understand why you would be hurt. Because you didn't get what you want? It's a gift which you should accept graciously.

mandasand, as you had significant input into selecting your own ER, I find your POV not in keeping with your own experience. If you read the entire thread, you would know OP was upset that her BF of his own accord decided not to go with the ER she and her BF had selected together, which had met their preferences and their budget, and represented a shared joyful, emotional experience (in her view), and to instead give a ring which had belonged to his great-grandmother which was nothing like the ER they had chosen. She felt marginalized by his unilateral decision. As so very many of us do, she wants a marriage where her input is respected and valued, and the ER switcheroo had given her cause for concern. Her most recent post indicates she and her BF have continued to discuss the situation and she has come to understand his intent and is coming to terms with the ER.

 

[amyek]

I just wanted to mention this even though it probably won't be helpful to you at this point.

MANY of us who are regulars here started out with ideal cut rounds in solitaire settings with diamond wedding bands almost just like the set you chose. It is classic, elegant, and beautiful. But over time, many of us have changed rings and ended up with old cut diamonds and antique style settings, myself included! I could name a LOT of people here who did that. So that is one reason you will hear a lot of us saying that we like the heirloom ring more, and we mean it to the point that we traded in or sold our modern round brilliants (beautiful but very common) for antique or antique style diamonds in antique style settings! Of course, we can't see the diamond clearly in the pictures to know what it really looks like. Does the diamond look pretty to you or does it look poorly cut or something?

I know this doesn't matter to you because you are hurt that he changed gears without consulting you. But I think it IS a compliment to you that the family allowed him to give you the ring rather than giving it to a daughter or granddaughter.

+1 - I had a modern cut solitaire and now I have a 1920's transition cut.

 

[arkieb1]

I actually disagree with the comments about transitional stones (these are the precursor to modern round brilliants) being beautiful, some are, some are not. A lot of them have huge tables and are shallow cuts and don't have the big bold flashes of an OEC or the amount of fire and sparkle of a well cut modern round brilliant. There are many beautiful transitional stones, but there are many fairly ordinary flat dull looking ones out there as well.

I wonder now that we have identified that it is the diamond bothering you if another option would be to sell the current transitional stone and put a well cut modern round brilliant or a really nice OEC into the same setting, or remove the diamond from the ring, keep it and use it for something else like a pendant or one half of a set of earrings. That way there is some sort of compromise, you still wear the ring but get a diamond that you like looking at. Something like an August Vintage Round from Good Old Gold would look amazing in that setting and they would probably take the existing diamond as some sort of trade in.

If that is out of the question then I think getting a band with well cut modern brilliants or a 5 stone or a 3 stone ring/band with beautifully cut stones is a great suggestion, that way you can wear the heirloom ring as a right hand ring and just wear the band as your main ring once you get married. Rather than attempting to get them to match wear them on different hands.

 

[CharmyPoo]

My big table and shallow cut transitional diamond is beautiful and out sparkles my numerous OECs that would fall under the traditionally defined well cut parameters. Hard to judge an old cut by the numbers - you really have to see it to make a decision.

 

[arkieb1]

My big table and shallow cut transitional diamond is beautiful and out sparkles my numerous OECs that would fall under the traditionally defined well cut parameters. Hard to judge an old cut by the numbers - you really have to see it to make a decision.

I've got a big tabled medium depth transitional with arrows that out sparkles numerous OECs and another transitional with a perfect flower pattern that I inherited from a family member that is just plain flat and meeeah to look at. If she says that it's dull by comparison to other stones then it could be a case of not being used to what she is seeing or it just could be a badly performing stone, that's all I am saying.

Lots of people are commenting that the transitional is a nicer which somehow = a better option, but only the OP has seen the stone and can judge this.

 

[CharmyPoo]

Lots of people are commenting that the transitional is a nicer which somehow = a better option, but only the OP has seen the stone and can judge this.

Agreed although the memory of an MRB seen in store lighting versus an old cut in real life might not be the best judge of dullness. But all is hard to say or make judgement without knowing a lot more information.

 

[makemepretty]

I love your ring. I don't think this is a big problem that requires counseling at all. Your guy sounds like my guy and we've been together for over two decades. Guys don't get the importance of picking out things yourself or that fact that we can even fall in love with "things" He's not being cruel, he just doesn't understand. Men and women are NOT alike. They don't think the same. If I had to guess, I'd say you guys are young. It takes men many years to grow up and realize what makes us (women) happy. It's not something you can teach him over night. You will most likely be explaining this ring issue for years to come but eventually, he'll understand.

I understand your feelings are hurt and I also get, he didn't intentionally hurt your feelings. Your heirloom ring is gorgeous. My first engagement ring was from a gum ball machine! LOL We've been married 23 years, I think you'll get there too. Congratulations!

 

[diva_alicia]

Be sure you and your intended use this as a learning experience for how you will communicate with each other and your respective families going forward. A husband and wife must set the tone early indicating their devotion and loyalty to one another above all else, but this is new for a lot of young couples. Talk through all of your feelings throughout this process with him and be sure you've gotten all of his so next time a trying situation comes up it won't be further compounded by miscommunication. Best of luck to you both and congrats!