My engagement ring upsets me. Please Help

[mandasand]

Engagement rings are meant to be a gift. A symbol of the giver wanting to marry. It's great if the receiver loves it but I don't think it's that important. What's more important is making a commitment to one another. It's just a material item it doesn't reflect the kind of person he is whether or not he consults you, buys the one you "want" or does his own thing. The ring probably wasn't "laying around." Usually families keep these items so that they can be passed down. He sounds like a family man which is a good thing. Men are different creatures than women. While they want to please us, they worry about different things like being financially secure. It sounds like he wants to make sure that you're financially stable as you enter into marriage. Be glad for that.

I still don't understand why you would be hurt. Because you didn't get what you want? It's a gift which you should accept graciously.

mandasand, as you had significant input into selecting your own ER, I find your POV not in keeping with your own experience. If you read the entire thread, you would know OP was upset that her BF of his own accord decided not to go with the ER she and her BF had selected together, which had met their preferences and their budget, and represented a shared joyful, emotional experience (in her view), and to instead give a ring which had belonged to his great-grandmother which was nothing like the ER they had chosen. She felt marginalized by his unilateral decision. As so very many of us do, she wants a marriage where her input is respected and valued, and the ER switcheroo had given her cause for concern. Her most recent post indicates she and her BF have continued to discuss the situation and she has come to understand his intent and is coming to terms with the ER.

My perceived involvement does not negate the fact that the ring is a gift. We shopped together but my hubby made it clear that in the end it would be his choice and his gift to me. He also struggled with the the monetary side of the business, while we could afford to get a honker, he set a budget of $5k because he felt like our funds would serve us better in other areas, like being stable financially. In the end, he didn't even spend the whole budget because we both agreed I didn't want a large stone. My ring is half carat. I did nudge him in a direction but he could have done what he wanted and I would have no room to complain or be dissatisfied. The ring has significance but bears no significance on our relationship. And that's my point. Just because the OPs fiancé went in a different direction doesn't mean there are "issues" in their relationship.

 

[LLJsmom]

Engagement rings are meant to be a gift. A symbol of the giver wanting to marry. It's great if the receiver loves it but I don't think it's that important. What's more important is making a commitment to one another. It's just a material item it doesn't reflect the kind of person he is whether or not he consults you, buys the one you "want" or does his own thing. The ring probably wasn't "laying around." Usually families keep these items so that they can be passed down. He sounds like a family man which is a good thing. Men are different creatures than women. While they want to please us, they worry about different things like being financially secure. It sounds like he wants to make sure that you're financially stable as you enter into marriage. Be glad for that.

I still don't understand why you would be hurt. Because you didn't get what you want? It's a gift which you should accept graciously.

mandasand, I do understand your POV given that you see the engagement ring as a gift, completely and totally. I think it depends on how you view the engagement ring.

I looked at MY engagement ring a little bit differently. And I am saying how my twisted mind works sometimes. I see my engagement ring not 100% a gift. I see it as joint purchase. Even though the funds came from his bank account, to me, it represents OUR engagement. If he did not use the money on the ring, he would have used it on things that we would have used jointly, such as housing, getting started on our lives together. And I certainly would not think of that as a gift to me. If I had wanted a bigger ring at the time, I would have chipped in and added to the funds. Instead we used some of my funds to pay for things that he needed. I did not consider those things a gift from me to him. We made a decision together on how much to spend, as we considered it a joint expenditure. (Even now, everything for us is joint. No separate bank accounts. Yeah, I know, not a popular option, but it works for us.)

So for me, I looked at the purchase as a joint purchase, although I received most of the benefit since I got to wear it. He received a benefit too, a happy fiance.