Your husband's promotion isn't about you!

[zoebartlett]

I didn't think about the military aspect. I think it's a great idea that the military includes spouses in ceremonies. That will be a special day for you both -- definitely!

 

[zoebartlett]

MAC-W - sorry, I shouldn't laugh but I did and you've just reminded me that I actually got a First in BA Photography on behalf or my ex-boyfriend...

I bought the camera, the film (pre-digital days), the paper etc
I nagged and nagged and filled in the application forms and took him to the interviews
I wrote his dissertation
I came up with every single project he did

Oh, and I did my own degree, paid the rent and bills and held down a job at the same time. Shame I didn't get a First in my own name too!

Did make a huge difference to my choice of husband - I'm married to a man who doesn't need to be nagged or kicked to get off his backside and who does everything himself. So nice...

This reminds me of my mom. She was a high school English teacher for years before retiring last year. She also ran the school's writing center. When she was working, she pretty much wrote many of her students' college application essays for them. When the kids heard back from schools, my mom would always call me and say, "Guess where I got in today? I'm going to Harvard!" or whatever school her kids had been accepted to.

 

[HollyS]

I'm always more than a bit surprised at some of the answers here.

1) Yes, in a military promotion, the wife is part of the "honoring" and should not be the one taking the photos, as she will be included in the ceremony. If the family wants photos, invite a friend or family member to shoot said photos.

2) Military wives (or husbands) make huge sacrifices of personal time with their spouses. Without the support of their spouse, and the 'behind-the-scenes' work of the spouse in keeping the family life on an even keel, the military member would likely not get that promotion. So, YES, it will be about you, too. In this instance.

3) Military promotions, especially in wartime, especially when many military members are on their 3rd, 4th, or 5th rotation overseas into some 'hot spot', are not the same as gaining college degrees or a leg up the corporate ladder. What the family/spouse has had to endure and give up for their spouse and their country cannot be viewed through the same filter.

4) Never mind what you mother wants. Do what is important to you and your husband. Period. And don't apologize or explain.

 

[sonnyjane]

I just couldn't disagree more. I am married to a service member and have been with my husband for five years. He has been in the military 9 years, so I knew what I was getting in to when we were married. It is a VERY hard lifestyle, and the separations are very trying, but I can't agree that his advancement should be attributed to me.

While we've been together he has received three promotions and has gone on three deployments to the Middle East, leaving for his fourth in the Fall. For each promotion, he received it solely because he was a great leader and studied for hours and hours each night to pass his boards. I suppose you could say that I supported him by not divorcing him because of his job (it happens all the time - as we speak, 4 of DH's 9 team members are getting divorced because the wife requested it). However, unless I was the one studying and doing the hard work, I don't consider it my promotion. And what about single service members? Are they, therefore, less likely to get promotions? I respect the opinions of those that say it is just as much a victory for the spouse as it is for the service member, but having been-there-done-that several times, I don't personally agree.

 

[junebug17]

I just think it would be nice to have a few pics of such a special day. I'm not saying you have to do a whole photo shoot, but wouldn't you like having a couple of pics? I guess I just don't understand how taking a few photos is going to take away from your enjoyment of the day.

 

[joxxxelyn]

Honestly, I don't think it's really about that. There seems to be some other things going on between you and your mother that have nothing to do with your husband. Perhaps she felt slighted and personally insulted that you wouldn't agree to take photos, and lashed out. Perhaps you felt invalidated that she wouldn't even consider that although your husband got promoted, you were in fact going to be part of the celebration. I think the two of you used the way the words were phrased in the conversation to lock into an argument that didn't really address the actual feelings going on.

I could be wrong. If so, my husband and I celebrate our accomplishments together. When it comes to choosing how to celebrate, the honoree does that (in this case, your husband). It probably would have been better (since you didn't want to tell your mother directly that you were upset by her request, or "irked"), to just defer to your husband and tell her you'd take photos if that's what he wanted, and brought your camera in case. That seems like the right thing to do. I think it's partly your day, but mostly his. But certainly, you should be involved in the celebration and not be forced to be inconvenienced by someone who won't be involved. It would have been polite, but not mandatory, for you to agree to the possibility of photos. If she wanted a guarantee, that's her problem.

 

[GliderPoss]

Another military wife here... I agree that generally the saying "it's not all about you" is a wise one to remember but in this case - it truely is BOTH your special day. As far as I know behind every great military man/woman is a partner who supports them so congrats to you both - you should be very proud!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think this is more about something else and less about what directly going on right now. Maybe this is your time to draw the line in the sand...

But, at the end of the day, I'd think you and your husband would want pictures. This is a huge achievement and honor, something that should be celebrated and remembered.

When you're married it's a partnership, so yes, you met your goals together. Every couple makes sacrifices to get where they going. Don't let whatever is going on behind scenes overshadow that in any way.

Congratulations to you and your husband.

 

[Hera]

Thanks everyone for all your thoughtful responses! My moment is over and it truly was a moment because they had another meeting so the ceremony was performed at light speed. Still, it was fun and it was truly a proud moment for me. I asked my husband about his viewpoint and he said that not only is he being rewarded for his service and commitment but I am also being honored in my commitment to not only him but to the military.

Merilenda- Thanks for your response. I think I would be pretty disappointed if that scenario happened to me. Ultimately, we always have to choose his career over mine. It's certainly food for thought.

NewEnglandLady- I think that's one of the reason's why I was surprised at my mother's response. She wasn't able to see why I thought the way I did. Many times I may disagree about a person's stance but I can see why the person thinks the way that they do.

Gypsy- I know I am both a regular wife and a military wife and didn't consider the military angle until this thread. I lean slightly on the side that I do share in the joint accomplishment because of the way I was integrated into the ceremony. Still, I am both types of wives and don't know what it's "supposed" to be.

AmeliaG-Lol-I better not tell my mom or she'll put it on a bumper sticker. Currently she has a "forget the princess, I'm the queen" on her car. As far as what happens on the homestead, we must take care of the household or the service members will be sent home to take care of our family affairs. The military does not tolerate debt problems such as late payments and they can get pretty serious.

Lady Disdain-Can I get a Halleluja?!! I told my mom that I may take pictures and she insisted that I must so she could have pictures for bragging rites. She even told me what pictures to take for her(have someone take one of us together). While it's a good idea for my album, our day today was not about her and I don't feel that I should *have* to take the time to get appropriate pictures for her.

Zoe- I think it's great the military does that also. It really makes us feel like a bigger part of something. Divorce is high for the military as not every woman or man can spend such a long time away from each other without emotional support.

Holly- Thank you for your response. It always feels good to be recognized for our support. I love the way your opinions sit so strongly within you. I probably don't always agree with you but I know that within you, you don't care. I need a little more of that in my life. Some stronger convictions in my life that I don't have to apologize for. In some ways, I felt guilty today making this about me. That's so not me and when I was in therapy was one of the things we worked on.

Sonnyjane- It's funny that you mention that because at your very spot in my husband's career, I felt the same way. It was only when my husband started reaching the top ranks that the tides changed a bit.

Junebug- I did take a few pics. There was also a military photographer there as well. If I'm being honest, I probably will still not give my mom any pics. I'm far from a selfish person but this might have to be just mine. She never showed us off as children so I'm not sure why all of a sudden in these older ages she wants to show off. I know she thinks my husband is really handsome so I don't know if that plays into it (sigh).

Joxxelyn- I know my mother and I have a complex relationship. She really doesn't understand boundaries and feels like we are children to do what she commands. When I don't call her she complains, "But I'm your mother, don't you think you should call me more often?!" It's a trying relationship and one I spent 5 years working on in therapy. As you can see, I still have more work to do but I wasn't making more headway on the issues. I could give you the speech my therapist would give me about how I need to accept her for who she is and that she is almost my complete opposite so I can't relate to her the way I want to. The only thing I can do with such a demanding person is to set limits. As it was, when I called her to tell her the good news she said, Oh that's nice! and then segwayed into what's going on in her drama ridden life. After an hour of her sad drama, it was getting getting too much for me so I told her I needed to get some sleep and then she finally addressed me.

Hotpozzum-Thanks for your support, so neat to see the ps military wives come out and comment on my thread.

Italia- If you're referring to my mom, you are absolutely right (were you?). I didn't really want to open up my sad relationship with my mom but I guess I don't care as much anymore. Everyone has their issues! I do think that we set goals together and I'm glad to know that others do as well.

 

[Fly Girl]

As others have pointed out, this thread isn't about you and your husband's promotion, it is about you and your mother.

Congratulations to your DH and to you.

Afterwards, send your mom a photo of whatever you have. It can be a photo of DH in his uniform taken that day, if that's all you can get. I sure wouldn't worry about snapping photos when you are part of the ceremony.

ETA-I see you just posted as I was typing. Again, congratulations to you both!

 

[sonnyjane]

Sonnyjane- It's funny that you mention that because at your very spot in my husband's career, I felt the same way. It was only when my husband started reaching the top ranks that the tides changed a bit.

I don't know what rank your husband is or what his MOS might be, but my husband, while he is only 26, is a Chief (E-7) for a special forces MOS so, I wouldn't exactly consider that entry level. I discussed this thread with him and he kind of chuckled, so I guess as long as he and I are on the same page, that's all that really matters.

Congratulations to your husband on his promotion. I do understand how much work getting military promotions can be and I certainly understand how difficult deployments are, but I don't think I have contributed to my husband's success other than being supportive. It goes both ways though, and if I got a promotion at work, I wouldn't think he had anything to do with it. I think his promotions are something we should both celebrate, as it is a positive event in our marriage, but I wouldn't take credit for it.

All of that said, I DO think you will want to have some pictures taken, even if you just find someone else attending the ceremony to take some, or at least take some before or after. I know that I wish I had pictures from his deployment homecomings but I never wanted to bother anyone to take a picture. I really regret that now!

 

[Hera]

Flygirl-I hate when things end up like that! It makes me wish I could've kept my dirty little secret to myself.

sonnyjane- It sounds like I offended you so I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I was just relaying my experience as I went on the military journey with my husband. I think it's too strong a phrasing to suggest I'm taking credit. I more than anything think that the day was about both of us (much more about him than me). When I was there, people didn't just congratulate him but also extended it to me. I think it's a nice touch to be acknowledged for my support.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Yes, I was referring to your relationship with your mom...that maybe this one incident was the one that put you over the top. It happens. When something comes to a boil, it's not always over the biggest, most crucial thing. Little things add up.

 

[Dreamer_D]

It might depend on the relationship. But in my marriage, certainly our accomplishments reflect on one another. When I got my PhD, in the author notes of my thesis I thanked my husband for being my inspirtion. My biggest supporter. I could not have done it without him. And he feels the same way about his own accomplishments and my role in them.

I don't think I would go so far as to take credit for his recent promotion. And I don't think he would take credit for my PhD. But the day of my defense, it *was* his day too. Not because he was defending his thesis, but because he was there as a special supporter of me. People made a point of congradulating him, complimenting me to him. Surely this reflects the reality of how marriage is perceived in society -- where one partner's accomplishments reflect on the other. He felt pride when it happened, more than he would have felt if it was a stranger, or even a different family member. That also reflects the substantive differnce between a martial relationship and other relationships, in terms of how partners' outcomes are linked.

So, while I agree the day is not *all* about you, it is about you more than it is about any other person in your husband's life! It is about YOU because the person you love most and are closest with in the world has accomplished something wonderful, and YOU have a role that day to be with him, share his happiness, support him, and show him how happy you are. You have a very important role that day in his life, and even in the ceremony. So I am with you, girl. It is about you. Maybe not in the same way it is about your husband, but in a different and very important way.

 

[Hera]

It might depend on the relationship. But in my marriage, certainly our accomplishments reflect on one another. When I got my PhD, in the author notes of my thesis I thanked my husband for being my inspirtion. My biggest supporter. I could not have done it without him. And he feels the same way about his own accomplishments and my role in them.

I don't think I would go so far as to take credit for his recent promotion. And I don't think he would take credit for my PhD. But the day of my defense, it *was* his day too. Not because he was defending his thesis, but because he was there as a special supporter of me. People made a point of congradulating him, complimenting me to him. Surely this reflects the reality of how marriage is perceived in society -- where one partner's accomplishments reflect on the other. He felt pride when it happened, more than he would have felt if it was a stranger, or even a different family member. That also reflects the substantive differnce between a martial relationship and other relationships, in terms of how partners' outcomes are linked.

So, while I agree the day is not *all* about you, it is about you more than it is about any other person in your husband's life! It is about YOU because the person you love most and are closest with in the world has accomplished something wonderful, and YOU have a role that day to be with him, share his happiness, support him, and show him how happy you are. You have a very important role that day in his life, and even in the ceremony. So I am with you, girl. It is about you. Maybe not in the same way it is about your husband, but in a different and very important way.

Even though I delighted in the idea you would comment on my thread, I braced for a second in the event that you were going to give me the "it's not all about you". I've sort of been thinking in circles because on one hand, I am sharing this accomplishment and yet how can I do that if I'm not taking credit? I think you explained the very scenario I'm experiencing. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

 

[maplefemme]

My partner is a Sgt and has been in the army for 21yrs. Ten as a gunner, the rest as a paramedic. He's done so much, as a teacher, mentor, leader, and protector, I admire him greatly.
Anything he accomplishes I'm proud of him but I feel it's his accomplishment, I support him and stand by him, I'm proud of him, but the glory is his, I'm just happy to be a part of it.
On the parental front though, as far as your Mom being proud, I had an experience a couple of years back... When I graduated nursing, I didn't tell friends or family (I was single at the time too) when grad was, I just didn't want to put anyone out, the ceremony was mid-afternoon and everyone would be at work.
I went alone, had a nice time, did the after-grad dinner with my classmates and came home.
When they asked about grad I told them it had already happened, well they were devastated I didn't ask them to come, everyone was upset, they were proud of me and really wanted to show it and I denied them of it unknowingly.
I felt bad and lesson learned... in life, our loved ones champion our successes, cheer our triumphs, and support us during our greatest challenges, and we in turn do likewise...it's how we love and are loved.

 

[VRBeauty]

It may not be ALL about you, but I have no doubt that your support contributed to your husband's success. Congratulations to you both!

 

[Hera]

I may not be using the right words but I believe that maybe there are different ways to share an accomplishment or perhaps it's just a semantics issue. I feel pride and happiness like many other wives would feel at this moment.
I felt like it was partially my day by not only being included in the ceremony but the fact that I was sharing this special moment with my husband. It's something he's worked hard for and I'm proud of him. I think that maybe I have so much joy in what happened that it feels just like the same joy I have for myself when I have something large I have accomplished on my own. That's why it may also feel a bit shared.
I certainly don't feel like it's all about me. I did feel like it was our day and if I have to break it down, I dunno, 10%-15% my day.

Yesterday is over though and it's a new day!

Thanks for weighing in Everyone!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

As a military spouse, few things irk me more than a wife who tries to wear her husband's rank. Puh-lease lady (not directed at original poster, but at spouses in general), your husband may outrank my husband, but last time I checked, I'm not in the Navy. I treat all people with courtesy and kind regard, regardless of their station. I would quickly walk away from any spouses' club that treated spouses according to their husbands' ranks, whether I am a Lieutenant Commander's wife now or the skipper's wife in the future.

That being said, this is most certainly a day that you should enjoy to the fullest! Wives pin on that new rank as a symbol of the sacrifice and support they give their husbands, who most definitely could not pursue their chosen career AND raise a family without an incredible partner in marriage. Being a military spouse IS different than being the wife of another occupation because in every other field, there is a choice - to move or not to move, who's career is more important, etc. In the military, rarely is a choice given, and it is up to the spouse to keep the family together, moving around the country or overseas, often alone with the children. A person in the military cannot decide that moving won't really work for them and quit (they'll be sent to military prison), and the spouse has to accept that.

Finally, who cares who's day it is? IF you don't want to take pictures, then don't! This isn't about who's day it is. Unless your husband cares about having a picture, why should you feel the need to cart around a camera if you don't want to? I don't even take pictures at weddings anymore, and it certainly isn't because I think the day is about me! I just don't feel like interrupting a good time to snap photos that I won't miss. That's what photographers are for!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

On the parental front though, as far as your Mom being proud, I had an experience a couple of years back... When I graduated nursing, I didn't tell friends or family (I was single at the time too) when grad was, I just didn't want to put anyone out, the ceremony was mid-afternoon and everyone would be at work.
I went alone, had a nice time, did the after-grad dinner with my classmates and came home.
When they asked about grad I told them it had already happened, well they were devastated I didn't ask them to come, everyone was upset, they were proud of me and really wanted to show it and I denied them of it unknowingly.
I felt bad and lesson learned... in life, our loved ones champion our successes, cheer our triumphs, and support us during our greatest challenges, and we in turn do likewise...it's how we love and are loved.

I did this to my parents. Same situation, I received my bachelor's degree and sent out all the official announcements to friends and family that I obtained my degree. I attended college over 8 hours away from home by car and I figured it would be too selfish to ask anyone to come up for my graduation. I turned in my apartment, packed up and moved back home three days before our ceremony. I had even already picked up my diploma from the registrar.

It turned out that everyone had already asked for vacation time and my parents were completely devastated...I learned my lesson and now that I am working on my masters, I plan to make it a HUGE shindig...

Back to topic, I've never been in the military, but I get so aggravated when people say, "We are Captains, Sergeants, Colonels, whatever rank the spouse is." I firmly believe that our men and women in the armed forces could never do their jobs well without a good support system, and I always thank the family members of military members for their support of their family's service. I think spouses should be super proud of their servicemember's record and should celebrate their success, but don't appropriate the victory (or rank) as yours.

I think OP isn't trying to do that as she specifically stated that she didn't remember being in Afghanistan with DH. I'm glad that you were able to get through the ceremony and to the celebration the way YOU and YOUR HUSBAND wanted it. And Congratulations to the both of you for his promotion and THANK YOU for your service!

 

[suchende]

I'm always more than a bit surprised at some of the answers here.

1) Yes, in a military promotion, the wife is part of the "honoring" and should not be the one taking the photos, as she will be included in the ceremony. If the family wants photos, invite a friend or family member to shoot said photos.

2) Military wives (or husbands) make huge sacrifices of personal time with their spouses. Without the support of their spouse, and the 'behind-the-scenes' work of the spouse in keeping the family life on an even keel, the military member would likely not get that promotion. So, YES, it will be about you, too. In this instance.

3) Military promotions, especially in wartime, especially when many military members are on their 3rd, 4th, or 5th rotation overseas into some 'hot spot', are not the same as gaining college degrees or a leg up the corporate ladder. What the family/spouse has had to endure and give up for their spouse and their country cannot be viewed through the same filter.

4) Never mind what you mother wants. Do what is important to you and your husband. Period. And don't apologize or explain.

I don't think anyone was trying to equate the sacrifices a military spouse makes with the sacrifices the spouses of students make. At least I wasn't. I was merely speaking from my own experiences (since of course that is all I can do). I guess I need to further articulate my implied message, which was if I feel entitled to share in my SO's successes at that level, I definitely would if I were OP.

I think though, as has been said, that it depends on the relationship. I know some couples are largely autonomous entities, while others are highly dependent on each other. On the other hand, my stepfather is very dependent on my mother: for domestic things, for advice on workplace politics, just everything. I think they both think his professional successes are theirs, and my stepfather always says he could never do it without her. But, my mother doesn't work anymore and used to work in his field, so that may further distinguish it.

 

[Dreamer_D]

It might depend on the relationship. But in my marriage, certainly our accomplishments reflect on one another. When I got my PhD, in the author notes of my thesis I thanked my husband for being my inspirtion. My biggest supporter. I could not have done it without him. And he feels the same way about his own accomplishments and my role in them.

I don't think I would go so far as to take credit for his recent promotion. And I don't think he would take credit for my PhD. But the day of my defense, it *was* his day too. Not because he was defending his thesis, but because he was there as a special supporter of me. People made a point of congradulating him, complimenting me to him. Surely this reflects the reality of how marriage is perceived in society -- where one partner's accomplishments reflect on the other. He felt pride when it happened, more than he would have felt if it was a stranger, or even a different family member. That also reflects the substantive differnce between a martial relationship and other relationships, in terms of how partners' outcomes are linked.

So, while I agree the day is not *all* about you, it is about you more than it is about any other person in your husband's life! It is about YOU because the person you love most and are closest with in the world has accomplished something wonderful, and YOU have a role that day to be with him, share his happiness, support him, and show him how happy you are. You have a very important role that day in his life, and even in the ceremony. So I am with you, girl. It is about you. Maybe not in the same way it is about your husband, but in a different and very important way.

Even though I delighted in the idea you would comment on my thread, I braced for a second in the event that you were going to give me the "it's not all about you". I've sort of been thinking in circles because on one hand, I am sharing this accomplishment and yet how can I do that if I'm not taking credit? I think you explained the very scenario I'm experiencing. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

hee hee.

I do agree with others who said the whole "mom thing" is another issue though. I would likely have been peeved too if she was nagging about taking pictures so she could show them off to friends. But, maybe she just feels about you the same way you feel about your husband?

 

[Hera]

As a military spouse, few things irk me more than a wife who tries to wear her husband's rank. Puh-lease lady (not directed at original poster, but at spouses in general), your husband may outrank my husband, but last time I checked, I'm not in the Navy. I treat all people with courtesy and kind regard, regardless of their station. I would quickly walk away from any spouses' club that treated spouses according to their husbands' ranks, whether I am a Lieutenant Commander's wife now or the skipper's wife in the future.

That being said, this is most certainly a day that you should enjoy to the fullest! Wives pin on that new rank as a symbol of the sacrifice and support they give their husbands, who most definitely could not pursue their chosen career AND raise a family without an incredible partner in marriage. Being a military spouse IS different than being the wife of another occupation because in every other field, there is a choice - to move or not to move, who's career is more important, etc. In the military, rarely is a choice given, and it is up to the spouse to keep the family together, moving around the country or overseas, often alone with the children. A person in the military cannot decide that moving won't really work for them and quit (they'll be sent to military prison), and the spouse has to accept that.

Finally, who cares who's day it is? IF you don't want to take pictures, then don't! This isn't about who's day it is. Unless your husband cares about having a picture, why should you feel the need to cart around a camera if you don't want to? I don't even take pictures at weddings anymore, and it certainly isn't because I think the day is about me! I just don't feel like interrupting a good time to snap photos that I won't miss. That's what photographers are for!

It's funny because I have never actually seen any military wives do that but I can certainly imagine it and that would irk me too. I don't really get involved in too much military stuff. I go to functions every once in a while and I have one military wife that is a friend but our husbands are very different in rank, we don't treat each other any differently.
We definitely enjoyed the day and then went out to dinner. I'm not a huge fan of taking pictures either. I'll take a few but I like to be part of the good time also.

 

[nfowife]

Congrats to you and your family on your hubby's promotion!

I'm not sure how it works in your community, but as you get higher in rank/position (such as being a commanding officer of a squadron, we are in Naval aviation), it's actually not just a job for the husband. The spouse has a lot of responsibilities that come with the husband's position. It is a part time job unto itself so you better believe they deserve thanks and congratulations for a job well done .

 

[Hera]

Back to topic, I've never been in the military, but I get so aggravated when people say, "We are Captains, Sergeants, Colonels, whatever rank the spouse is." I firmly believe that our men and women in the armed forces could never do their jobs well without a good support system, and I always thank the family members of military members for their support of their family's service. I think spouses should be super proud of their servicemember's record and should celebrate their success, but don't appropriate the victory (or rank) as yours.

I think OP isn't trying to do that as she specifically stated that she didn't remember being in Afghanistan with DH. I'm glad that you were able to get through the ceremony and to the celebration the way YOU and YOUR HUSBAND wanted it. And Congratulations to the both of you for his promotion and THANK YOU for your service!

Yes, thank you for understanding. I am not trying to take credit for what he has done but I think I do acknowledge the supportive role that I have played. We did celebrate it the way we wanted.

 

[Hera]

I think though, as has been said, that it depends on the relationship. I know some couples are largely autonomous entities, while others are highly dependent on each other. On the other hand, my stepfather is very dependent on my mother: for domestic things, for advice on workplace politics, just everything. I think they both think his professional successes are theirs, and my stepfather always says he could never do it without her. But, my mother doesn't work anymore and used to work in his field, so that may further distinguish it.

It's definitely an interesting idea about autonomy and what I had really wanted the discussion to be about. My husband and I are very different people and we are very separated in most ways. We don't even share or mix friends and our occupations couldn't be more different. One of the gray areas, though, are these successes and failures that we seem to share.

 

[Hera]

It might depend on the relationship. But in my marriage, certainly our accomplishments reflect on one another. When I got my PhD, in the author notes of my thesis I thanked my husband for being my inspirtion. My biggest supporter. I could not have done it without him. And he feels the same way about his own accomplishments and my role in them.

I don't think I would go so far as to take credit for his recent promotion. And I don't think he would take credit for my PhD. But the day of my defense, it *was* his day too. Not because he was defending his thesis, but because he was there as a special supporter of me. People made a point of congradulating him, complimenting me to him. Surely this reflects the reality of how marriage is perceived in society -- where one partner's accomplishments reflect on the other. He felt pride when it happened, more than he would have felt if it was a stranger, or even a different family member. That also reflects the substantive differnce between a martial relationship and other relationships, in terms of how partners' outcomes are linked.

So, while I agree the day is not *all* about you, it is about you more than it is about any other person in your husband's life! It is about YOU because the person you love most and are closest with in the world has accomplished something wonderful, and YOU have a role that day to be with him, share his happiness, support him, and show him how happy you are. You have a very important role that day in his life, and even in the ceremony. So I am with you, girl. It is about you. Maybe not in the same way it is about your husband, but in a different and very important way.

Even though I delighted in the idea you would comment on my thread, I braced for a second in the event that you were going to give me the "it's not all about you". I've sort of been thinking in circles because on one hand, I am sharing this accomplishment and yet how can I do that if I'm not taking credit? I think you explained the very scenario I'm experiencing. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

hee hee.

I do agree with others who said the whole "mom thing" is another issue though. I would likely have been peeved too if she was nagging about taking pictures so she could show them off to friends. But, maybe she just feels about you the same way you feel about your husband?

I know I spent 5 years working on my relationship with my mom and here she makes one comment that sends me into a flurry! And this is me in my more rehabilitated state! I would love to know how she really feels, it's just something I cannot read because her actions are so different than mine. I would LOVE to think that she's proud of me and wants to show me off, but if I'm accepting her for herself then I am accepting that she is incredibly self serving and egocentric. If it were me, I would want the picture for myself so that I could enjoy it, and showing it to others for bragging rights wouldn't be my first thought like it is for my mom. To me, it feels like there is something for her to gain from it. While I'm proud of my husband, he is not a tool in which to make myself look good to other people. He just makes me feel good.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

As a military spouse, few things irk me more than a wife who tries to wear her husband's rank. Puh-lease lady (not directed at original poster, but at spouses in general), your husband may outrank my husband, but last time I checked, I'm not in the Navy. I treat all people with courtesy and kind regard, regardless of their station. I would quickly walk away from any spouses' club that treated spouses according to their husbands' ranks, whether I am a Lieutenant Commander's wife now or the skipper's wife in the future.

That being said, this is most certainly a day that you should enjoy to the fullest! Wives pin on that new rank as a symbol of the sacrifice and support they give their husbands, who most definitely could not pursue their chosen career AND raise a family without an incredible partner in marriage. Being a military spouse IS different than being the wife of another occupation because in every other field, there is a choice - to move or not to move, who's career is more important, etc. In the military, rarely is a choice given, and it is up to the spouse to keep the family together, moving around the country or overseas, often alone with the children. A person in the military cannot decide that moving won't really work for them and quit (they'll be sent to military prison), and the spouse has to accept that.

Finally, who cares who's day it is? IF you don't want to take pictures, then don't! This isn't about who's day it is. Unless your husband cares about having a picture, why should you feel the need to cart around a camera if you don't want to? I don't even take pictures at weddings anymore, and it certainly isn't because I think the day is about me! I just don't feel like interrupting a good time to snap photos that I won't miss. That's what photographers are for!

It's funny because I have never actually seen any military wives do that but I can certainly imagine it and that would irk me too. I don't really get involved in too much military stuff. I go to functions every once in a while and I have one military wife that is a friend but our husbands are very different in rank, we don't treat each other any differently.
We definitely enjoyed the day and then went out to dinner. I'm not a huge fan of taking pictures either. I'll take a few but I like to be part of the good time also.

I've only met one woman with a high ranking spouse who acted that way. I found it funny, but only had to interact with her once, so it was not a big deal for me. Generally, I find it's either very young, brand new officers' wives or much older women who have this sort of identity based on their husbands' careers. They've definitely been drinking the blue and gold kool-aid. Everyone else has been pretty normal! I do have a friend who said she went to one spouses' association (not sure where they were stationed at the time) where they had the women sit in actual order according to their husbands' ranks! Isn't that crazy?

 

[Anie88]

Hello ladies,
I’m happy that my husband made rank!! But feeling down becasuse he didn’t invite me for the ceremony and also he didn’t ask me to pin him! Which I find weird and when I asked about it he excuse himself saying that he don’t want me to go because people “his coworkers” will be talking bad, and an appropriate about me or about us! And that no one wish us good ext. So I told him that we shouldn’t care about what others says, we should do what we like. Anyway he got upset and he said this promotion Doesn’t mean a lot to him!!
As an active navy spouse I do think I should be included in those kind of events, I’m really sad about this, my husband doesn’t want me to go to his ship or get in contact with any navy spouse, I feel like left out. Has anyone experience something like that before? Any recommendations or advice?

 

[sonnyjane]

Hello ladies,
I’m happy that my husband made rank!! But feeling down becasuse he didn’t invite me for the ceremony and also he didn’t ask me to pin him! Which I find weird and when I asked about it he excuse himself saying that he don’t want me to go because people “his coworkers” will be talking bad, and an appropriate about me or about us! And that no one wish us good ext. So I told him that we shouldn’t care about what others says, we should do what we like. Anyway he got upset and he said this promotion Doesn’t mean a lot to him!!
As an active navy spouse I do think I should be included in those kind of events, I’m really sad about this, my husband doesn’t want me to go to his ship or get in contact with any navy spouse, I feel like left out. Has anyone experience something like that before? Any recommendations or advice?

Welcome. I see this is your first post. Him not thinking you need to go or pin him isn’t a big deal. I never went to any of my DH’s ceremonies because I work and he always said it was no big deal to him. The one that I was going to possibly take off for (I think when he made Chief), he had a friend that he really wanted to pin him anyway so it was ok that I didn’t go.

The rest of it... him not wanting you to go anywhere or meet anyone is a red flag to me. When they are deployed, you’ll need a support system. Admittedly some military spouses can be more of a bad influence than good, but the good ones are really, really helpful.