Wedding Yet another issues update...

[anchor31]

Note to the mods: If anything in here is considering inappropriate, just let me know and I''ll rephrase.

General note: This is so long I''ll be splitting it in three parts. I apologize in advance.

Yesterday was the first time since the dinner at her place and the name change drama that I saw my sister. We were both at our parents'' place for the week-end; I''m staying until Wednesday since it''s Spring Break for me, and FI and I will get some planning done here.

The beginning
It started by a comment my sister (E) made about being careful about finances when J and I will move in together within the next few months, because you never know what could happen and we could end up not getting married, and another about me wanting to tell about my interview to everyone at once but not minding telling about my wedding a thousand times. I ignored her, but it struck me how she believed I shouldn''t trust my future husband, believe our marriage is actually going to happen or talk about our wedding at all.

At dinner, E told me about a guy she met on Thursday. She''s gone through quite a few ups and downs with boys for the last 3 years and she confides in me a lot and asks for advice. Her experiences have unfortunately given her a very cynical, skeptical and pessimistic outlook on romantic relationships. I don''t remember exactly what was said and in what order, but I was trying to give her a friendly warning about the dangers of projecting her past issues on prospective relationships and on other people''s relationships when all Hell broke loose.

 

[anchor31]

The fight
She''s convinced that she''s just being realistic and that she should be reminding people that things never work out as planned. I told her I thought she was being more of a pessimist, and by always believing things aren''t going to work out, she''s going to program herself to failure, and she''s going to hurt other people''s feelings. And then she got personal.

She said she''d rather be a pessimist than an optimist (like me), because it''s better than floating on a little cloud believing that everything''s going to go exactly as planned, focusing your entire life on one day (the wedding) and then when it doesn''t work out you crumble and can''t get up because you''re not prepared for an alternative. I was pretty stunned by how she perceived my attitude, and rather offended by her assumptions... I asked her if she thought I had no common sense at all, like I didn''t know things sometimes don''t turn out like you''d like them to, if I''m really focusing my entire life on one day... It''s not just about the wedding day, it''s about the marriage! J and I don''t just talk about flowers and favours, we talk about living arrangements, chores, finances, children, everything! E replied that I''ve got it all wrong, that it''s not just "sometimes" that things don''t go as planned, but ALWAYS, and I''m being completely unrealistic by thinking so far ahead and not considering alternatives.

At this point, my mother was pretty troubled by what she was hearing, and she chimed in. She asked my sister (who has never had a serious romantic relationship) what she would do if she moved in with a man. E answered that she would make sure she had a way out if things don''t work out. I just stared at her for a second, then asked if that meant she believed I should go through this engagement while considering the possibility of breaking it off, that I should enter this marriage considering divorce as a possibility? With an attitude like that, I am garanteeing failure to myself! She said she considers it her obligation to make sure I''m aware of the possibilities so I can have a way out if things don''t work out.

I was getting really upset. The tone was starting to rise, it was getting very personal and emotional. I told her that all I was asking from her was support, love and encouragement, but instead she was projecting her issues on me, she was being mean and bitter and she was hurting me. I don''t need her to constantly tell me that things might not work out like I plan them to, I''m not an idiot, I know this. But I refuse to work on projects, objectives and aspects of my life while seriously considering the possibility of failure and planning a way out of them. I truly believe that I would be setting myself up for failure if I did that. She said I didn''t understand, that she''d always tried to protect me from people who wanted to hurt me -

And I lost it. I''m not a child anymore and I have enough of a solid head on my shoulder to know what''s best for me, and if I needed protection from my future husband then I wouldn''t be marrying him. I yelled at her. I told her to let me go. I said I need her to let me go, that I want to live my own life and she was just hurting me, not protecting me. She got up, said that in that case it was just fine and I could just go f*ck myself. And she walked away.

 

[anchor31]

The aftermath
At that point, my father and my brother''s girlfriend were nowhere to be seen, my sister locked herself up somewhere, my mother was crying in the living room, my brother was holding me and crying (apparently E''s been dumping boatloads of sh*t on him as well about his relationship) while I was sobbing my guts out. I all but wailed that needing her to let me go didn''t mean I didn''t want her to care anymore, all I wanted was her to be happy for me and supportive like I was for her, and that I just wanted to share the joys of my life with her without having her taking stabs at me all the time. My wedding is the first day of the rest of my life, why shouldn''t I be allowed to be happy and excited? How can believing it is going to work out be bad? She talks about her school exchange all the time, and I''m not mean or unsupportive about it...

My brother told me that there was nothing wrong with being excited to be getting married, and that he was convinced that I was also nervous about it. Which I am, I do get those "ohmygodthisisforrealandfortherestofmyfreakinglife" moments... And it''s completely normal. Being an optimist doesn''t mean you''re "floating on a little cloud" and completely oblivious to the fact that sh*t hppens. But that''s not the way E sees it, and unfortunately, to her any way to see it that is not hers is wrong. I cried for a while, my brother asked me a little about the wedding plans, and then we went out for a beer with his girlfriend.

Now... I don''t know. Today was pretty... normal, she didn''t ignore me or anything. She didn''t say goodbye when she left for her campus either. I''m not sure what''s happening, I''m not sure what will happen, and I''m not sure what I''m feeling either. I think I feel like I should be hurt and upset and angry, but I''m more... relieved? I don''t know if she''ll come around or not, I don''t know if I''ve lost her or not... She''s the most resentful person I''ve ever known, and she may never get over it. I just don''t know. I don''t want to lose her, as I said wanting her to let me go doesn''t mean I don''t want her to care, but I think that for the moment, the relief of having told her how much she was hurting me and that she needed to let me go, something that should have been done a long time ago, is more important than the hurt and the fear. Those two might kick in later... I''ll see.

As for her MOH duties, we''ll see about that too, I guess. She hasn''t asked me to step down, I don''t know if she will. I might ask her to if there are further problems, I''m not sure about that either.

So... right now all I''d like to get are big hugs and positive thoughts, like I wish my sister would do instead of putting me down. Thanks to all of you for your help and support.

 

[KimberlyH]

~~**BIG HUGS**~~

Anchor, you are supposed to be excited about your wedding, it''s a huge deal. You should not be approaching it with the attitude that it will fall apart, that''s setting yourself up for failure. You are entitled to your feelings and your attitude is admirable. Keep your chin up and consider choosing a different MOH, one who is supportive of you, not cruel.

 

[luckystar112]

Wow. Your sister sounds like one depressed girl. I don't even know what to say. She seems like someone you can't reason with, who thinks she knows everything, and who loves to rain on everyone's parade. A real Debbie Downer.

I'm not sure I know the whole story, although I do remember reading something about having to change your wedding date for her...or something? (<-ETA: Oops, that wasn't you. But I did get a chance to read the other sister stuff!) I don't know how you can take it! I mean, she flipped out on you (again?) and once again YOU'RE stuck feeling like the bad person. You didn't do anything wrong!

But, she is your sister, and it seems like you genuinely do care about her. If I were you, I would let it all out in a letter. That way you can think of what to say before you say it, you have a chance to rephrase if it comes off too harsh, you won't forget anything, and she can't interrupt what you're saying! Tell her what concerns you as well as what you love about her. Defend yourself with class, not by shutting yourself in a room. It sounds like your whole family has to deal with whatever mood she is in. Has she considered seeing a professional? <---I totally don't mean that offensively. I mean, it sounds like she has some issues and she is subconsciously pushing people away. It's quite sad, really.

 

[Kaleigh]

OOh Anchor first of all a big hug honey. Look the way I see it is your sister has issues. She's resentful of the happiness you have found with J. As you stated she has never had a successful relationship. Humm, that's not exactly a surprise to me.

She needs to get over herslef and support you. But not sure if she's capable of that from what you have described about her. If she's going to continue in this manner, then relieve her of the MOH duties. Last thing you want is extra drama during your wedding. I pray she turns her thinking around. I think the ball is in HER court now. Let her come to you and apologize.

Good luck!!!

 

[neatfreak]

Anchor, despite the fact that I don''t know you personally, you seem like one of the most level headed people around. After reading many of your posts on here, it''s very obvious that you think things through and are not dancing around on a cloud. I''m an optimist too usually and it is very nice to think positive thoughts sometimes!!! Big hugs for you!!!

Is she by chance an older sister? To me, it just sounds like jealousy. I think she''s jealous that you have found such a fantastic loving man and are marrying him, when as you said, she has never had a successful relationship.

She''s going to have to get over it, because you are going to marry J and have a fantastic life together. And based on your very sage advice to others on this board, should something go wrong, I am very confident that you could handle anything.

Hang in there, she''s got nothing on you!

 

[poptart]

I have no advice, but *HUGS* and best wishes!

*M*

 

[zoebartlett]

Oh Anchor -- I''m really sorry this happened. I agree with Kaleigh -- it sounds like your sister is a little resentful of what you have with your fiance. I''m sure things will be okay again once your sister takes time to think about her words and how she hurt you. Sending good thoughts your way...

 

[robbie3982]

Awe, Anchor, ***hugs***. I''m sorry you guys had a big fight, but in a way it''s better that it''s all out on the table now. I think that your sister will eventually come to terms with everything. I really don''t think that she''s trying to be mean. I think that she''s trying to protect you, and from everything you''ve told us about her, she has every reason to believe that nothing ever works out the way you plan in relationships. That doesn''t mean she''s right, though. I think it might take her actually falling in love and being engaged to fully realize how wrong she is and how much she''s hurt you. It''s hard to understand a relationship that''s going to last forever if you''ve never had that.

I''m sorry you''re going through this

 

[decodelighted]

Aw geez. This is so awful for you! It''s not fair or right AT ALL. First of all ... that fight was just bound to happen. Seriously. Her attitude''s been boiling for sometime and it HAD to boil over eventually. I''m weirdly relieved FOR YOU too! Couple random thoughts ...

1) It''s TOTALLY OKAY if you want a different MOH. Don''t feel guilt if you chose to relieve her of her duties. MOH doesn''t have to be a "sister" or "twin" or "best friend". It''s someone who is going to be supportive to you IN THE WAY YOU DESIRE TO BE SUPPORTED DURING THIS IMPORTANT TIME. Crucial!! PART OF THE JOB DESCRIP!!!!

2) I''d urge you to manage expectations about her ... she is, I''d guess, 5-10 years from being as mature & centered & grounded as you are .. OR having anywhere close to as serious a relationship as you & J have.

I also think she''s suffering from either depression or a personality disorder or both. This isn''t something you or your brother or even your parents can "snap" her out of ... she''ll need to WANT help, WANT to feel more optimistic ... WANT better relationships with people and then SEEK OUT help to work on herself to be able to TOLERATE stuff much much more easily. She will probably be an emotional "late bloomer". Don''t personalize this fact. Don''t feel guilty that you don''t share her same issues. BE GRATEFUL!!!!!!!

**HUGS**

 

[basil]

Okay, here''s my take on it. I don''t know either of you, so it could be totally off, but just based on what I''ve read.

It sounds like she''s used to this role of "protector". She''s your twin, right? But she''s always felt like she has to look out for you. Now that you''re getting married, changing your name, moving in with your fiance, she''s losing this "job". She''s not sure what her role is anymore, since your fiance is your protector now. She''s not consciously trying to sabotage your relationship, she''s just living up to the role that she''s always had. Surely, she truly believes what she''s telling you, and that''s her issue. But if you look at it that way, she''s not TRYING to hurt you. She''s trying to help you, she''s just going about it in a very unhelpful way, secondary to her own issues.

I''m a very nonconfrontational person so this comes from my personality as well, but I think what I would do is ignore the issue. Arguing with her about how your marriage is going to work out isn''t going to change the underlying issues. Revisiting the issues aren''t going to change them either. And firing her as MOH isn''t going to change her feelings, and I think it may actually make her feel more like she''s losing you and that she doesn''t have any role in your life. Next time she makes these comments, smile and nod, difficult as it may be. Thank her for her opinion sincerely and then ignore it. It may not change her opinion, but at least it avoids drama and gets you through your wedding with your sister by your side. And I think that would be better for your relationship in the long run.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 3/4/2007 7:38:33 PM
Author: anchor31
The fight
She''s convinced that she''s just being realistic and that she should be reminding people that things never work out as planned. I told her I thought she was being more of a pessimist, and by always believing things aren''t going to work out, she''s going to program herself to failure, and she''s going to hurt other people''s feelings. And then she got personal.

She said she''d rather be a pessimist than an optimist (like me), because it''s better than floating on a little cloud believing that everything''s going to go exactly as planned, focusing your entire life on one day (the wedding) and then when it doesn''t work out you crumble and can''t get up because you''re not prepared for an alternative. I was pretty stunned by how she perceived my attitude, and rather offended by her assumptions... I asked her if she thought I had no common sense at all, like I didn''t know things sometimes don''t turn out like you''d like them to, if I''m really focusing my entire life on one day... It''s not just about the wedding day, it''s about the marriage! J and I don''t just talk about flowers and favours, we talk about living arrangements, chores, finances, children, everything! E replied that I''ve got it all wrong, that it''s not just ''sometimes'' that things don''t go as planned, but ALWAYS, and I''m being completely unrealistic by thinking so far ahead and not considering alternatives.

At this point, my mother was pretty troubled by what she was hearing, and she chimed in. She asked my sister (who has never had a serious romantic relationship) what she would do if she moved in with a man. E answered that she would make sure she had a way out if things don''t work out. I just stared at her for a second, then asked if that meant she believed I should go through this engagement while considering the possibility of breaking it off, that I should enter this marriage considering divorce as a possibility? With an attitude like that, I am garanteeing failure to myself! She said she considers it her obligation to make sure I''m aware of the possibilities so I can have a way out if things don''t work out.

I was getting really upset. The tone was starting to rise, it was getting very personal and emotional. I told her that all I was asking from her was support, love and encouragement, but instead she was projecting her issues on me, she was being mean and bitter and she was hurting me. I don''t need her to constantly tell me that things might not work out like I plan them to, I''m not an idiot, I know this. But I refuse to work on projects, objectives and aspects of my life while seriously considering the possibility of failure and planning a way out of them. I truly believe that I would be setting myself up for failure if I did that. She said I didn''t understand, that she''d always tried to protect me from people who wanted to hurt me -

And I lost it. I''m not a child anymore and I have enough of a solid head on my shoulder to know what''s best for me, and if I needed protection from my future husband then I wouldn''t be marrying him. I yelled at her. I told her to let me go. I said I need her to let me go, that I want to live my own life and she was just hurting me, not protecting me. She got up, said that in that case it was just fine and I could just go f*ck myself. And she walked away.

On the yellow part... sometimes things don''t work out as planned - and yeah maybe it is closer to always than never LOL But yanno... by planning with your spouse (or spouse to be) when the issues come up (and they will) you are already closer to compromise and a new plan...

 

[larussel03]

wow, anchor, I''m sorry. It seems like your sister just has not yet had the type of relationship that you have had, or maybe it''s truly her attitude. I''m like you--an eternal optimist--yes I can deal with the worst, and I am aware of the possiblity of it, but I do not PLAN for it. That, to me, is just a recipie for disaster.

I have a friend like your sister--anti marriage, anti men, can''t trust any of ''em, relationships arent meant to last, the whole 9 yards. It''s hard to understand a pessistimistic person when you are an optimist, but hopefully you and your sister can reach an understanding.

{{hugs}}

 

[laru0283]

Anchor, I''m so sorry that you''re having to go through all this while trying to plan the wedding. And while taking classes? You deserve a medal!!

My family has never been 100% fully supportive of my relationship with my FI, so I understand your feelings. I hope that I never have a yelling match with my sisters though, because I don''t think I''ll be as forgiving as you! lol (my temper gets to me sometimes...

)

Hang in there girl, don''t let her pessimistic attitude rub off on you, keep that chin up!

 

[RoseAngel04]

oh no....I''m so sorry about your weekend drama! HUGS to you! Hang in there, and if I were you I would lay low with your sister to see her next move. Hopefully she will have the time to evaluate her behavior and realize that she needs to start supporting her sister.

 

[anchor31]

First off, I want to thank everyone for your thoughts, hugs and support, they are greatly appreciated.

Kimberly - What you said is exactly what I believe. As for changing my MOH, I''ll sit on this one for a while.

luckystar - You''re right, the entire family suffers from her moods, pessimism and inflexibility. It''s hard on everyone because she constantly picks fights with all of us. I also believe she needs professional help, but I really don''t know how to go about it, and certainly not right now.

Kaleigh - I don''t think there is anything I can do right now, as you say, the ball is in her court now. At this point I don''t know if anything I say will have any effect on her.

neatfreak - Thank you so much for your compliments, I''m really touched. My sister seems to have forgotten that I''ve been through my share of difficulties as well, including a disability, and most of them have forced me to grow up pretty fast. Becoming an optimist is what got me through those difficulties. Being an optimist is not just a way of thinking for me, it means survival. Without it, I might just as well give up on everything, after all, why do it if I''m going to fail? I also believe that we build our own life according to our attitude, some sort of karma, if you will. If you believe something will work and are ready to do whatever is necessary to make it work, then chances are it will. But if you don''t believe it will work, then... good luck.

E is my twin sister. We were born 10 weeks early and there were complications, hence my disability. She always felt responsible for me... We had had discussions about needing to let go of that protector/protected relationship we developped, but it''s obvious to me now that she hasn''t, and it''s becoming very hurtful. This is really about jealousy, but losing a role she probably unconsciously sees as a reason to live. I feel for her, but I don''t know what to do about it, except tell her to let me go. Frankly, I''m at a loss.

poptart - Thank you. It really helps.

zoebartlett - Thanks for your good thoughts. She''s so stubborn, I don''t know how to get anything through her... But we''ll see.

robbie - What you say about her is true. Her intention is to protect me, not hurt me... but she is hurting me, she''s doing exactly what she''s trying to prevent from happening to me! And I am really really getting fed up with her attitude. You know how an overbearing mother who''s so afraid to lose her child ends up pushing her child away? That''s how it feels like. And I''ve had enough.

deco - It was definitely a fight waiting to happen. What was said needed to be said, I''m just sorry we had to yell at each other. As I told Kimberly, I''ll sit on the MOH thing for a while. As for my sister suffering from depression, I''ve believe for a while now that she does. But how to tell her this, how to get her to seek help? You said it, she has to want it. I can''t do it for her.

basil - Your analysis of the situation is spot on. She''s losing her role and she''s freaking out. I know her intent is not to hurt me, but she does. I don''t think there''s any other way to make her realize that than by telling her. As for ignoring it... I tried, and it lead to this. So... I don''t know. Right now, I''ve decided to cross the bridge about the actual weeding day and her role in it when I come to it.

Cehrabera - I agree with you. I just wish she could see it.

Sweetpea - Your post had a strangely soothing effect on me. Thanks for understanding.

laru - Thanks. I''m on Spring Break right now after a particularly vicious mid-term period, so the last thing I needed was this! My temper gets the best of me sometimes as well, which is why I yelled at her yesterday... I hope it won''t come to this for you. Thanks for the well wishes.

 

[anchor31]

Thanks RoseAngel. I do intend to lay low about all this for a while. I don''t think there''s anything I can do right now, so I''ll wait and see.

 

[firebirdgold]

Oooh, sweetie! *HUGS*

It''s really hard to let go of a sister and it''s probably even harder to let go of a twin. It''s also difficult to watch your sister get married and to act happy when you have doubts and worry about her. Granted she''s taking it waaay too far.

She clearly loves you, and I doubt this will be the end of your relationship with her. Just try to ignore it like a smal child''s tantrums.

This is your time to be happy and confident in a wonderful future with your Fi!

 

[galeteia]

Anchor, I don''t have any advice to offer but I''m sending some huge hugs your way.

Your maturity belies your age and you''re as sensible and practical (not to mention sweet) as one could hope for. You have a right to enjoy your own love story; everything you''ve said points to it being a real one and not just you trying to write a fairy-tale ending.

*hugs* again!

 

[Kit]

Oh dear. Well I''m sorry to hear this is happening.

My first thought is that your sister is clinically depressed, only her depression is manifesting itself as bitterness and anger at the world which is not uncommon but not the typical sad/withdrawn depression. She really needs therapy. It sounds like some tough things happened to her and she is living paralyzed in fear of getting hurt again. That''s why she''s building up walls around herself in the name of "being realistic" when really this is just a way to not take risks for her own happiness. I know that right now getting her help seems totally overwhelming, but obviously your entire family can see the crisis nature of this situation. Remember that the longer her brain chemistry remains in this depression state, the more permanent the depressive thought patterns in her neurons will become. That is to say, the sooner she gets help the better. Ths is true for all mental illness. You might want to think about having a family intervention where each person in the family speaks a bit about how her depression has hurt him/her, and each person asks her to get help.

Second, there is also the part of this where she has never been in a committed and mature, healthy relationship before and I have observed over time that these people just don''t "get" how they work. So, there''s that--not much to be done there. Only time will allow her to have the experiences she needs to understand that what she''s saying doesn''t apply to a marriage.

Third, there is that part of her that is threatened by J taking over her role as your main "protector," and she''s probably feeling slightly replaced and there''s a loss and grief there that I think is appropriate for her to feel. But her mind is so clouded right now she''s not processing this natural separation from you in a healthy manner. Instead she is lashing out at you and everyone else around her.

OFten times when I have loved ones who do stupid things that piss me off like this, after I get over being angry I generally try to see where they are at and why they are acting like this. And it is always because they are hurting and they are in a bad place, and they aren''t dealing with it in a way that is good for them Think of all the turmoil, anger, sadness and bitterness that is inside her--you and your family members are seeing only a portion of it, i.e. what she dishes out. She is kind of rotting on the inside and that is just really sad. Usuallly when I realize that the person who is hurting me is in dire need of help, it helps me get a good perspective on things.

I think ultimately her behavior is like a cry for help. Maybe one option would be for your family to go through family therapy together so she doesn''t feel isolated and alone? Just a thought.

Anyways, I hope that this helps and I wish you and your family speedy healing.

 

[E B]

Oh, Anchor, I'm so sorry! Everyone has offered wonderful advice, so I'll just lend my *hugs* and support. We're here for you, and just remember: this too shall pass.

 

[jas]

Oh Anchor, I am so sorry. It''s so tough when people try to make you feel foolish or guilty for being happy. It''s as though they think happiness is for fools or some other nonsense. It''s worse when it''s family. I am beginning to think you and I have the same sister.

Lots of love and support. You are allowed to be happy!

Jackie

 

[fire&ice]

For me, BASIL is SPOT on. While ignoring it would be a course of action, I wonder if you just acknowledge her point and move on from there. The more you fight it the more she will dig her heels in.

The dynamic of a sibling relationship that change can have it''s own legs. She''s likely to continue to give you advice. Is there any chance you can agree to disagree? Can you gleen some advice as valid - thus continue to validate that her opinion counts? I think she is feeling very left behind.

 

[bee*]

hope that you get things sorted anchor! Dont let what she said get to you. You and J will have a great life together and hopefully in time your sister will find someone too and be more settled

 

[Mara]

anchor i have no actual real advice other than to say that this sucks and i think you did the right thing to let your emotions out and have your sister see the kind of pain and anguish you have been in to have this kind of rift going on between you and someone so incredibly close to you. it is wrong what she is doing...i understand her point of view, but she has to understand she can''t PUSH her ideas (negative ones no less and about your life and future!) onto you like this, what a drag to be around someone like that on a familiar basis. anyway, hang in there...and stay calm and mature about it...you''ve made your feelings known, hopefully in a week or so emotions will be at a lower level on both sides and you two can kind of talk things out. i find with family...time is really important, to give people time to adjust and absorb what has been said, but you should address this again at some point, maybe in a week or so you can say something to your sis like ''hey i would love for us to go to lunch and discuss what happened the other day...'' and see what she says. good luck!

 

[ladykemma]

i think your sister provoked a fight to get some attention.

are you aware of the concept of "biting the hook"? boy, she got you to bite the hook big time. you can get the hook out of your mouth now

next time things even feel a weensy bit like a replay of yesterday, say, "well, gotta go!" or Think I'll go take a nap now!" or "golly gee, look at the time" and get out of there. don't chomp down on the hook.

 

[akw94]

Anchor, I''m so sorry!!! Sounds like a horrible day. I think you''re right to give it time and see what her reaction is. There''s no rush for you to go to her and talk about what happened or whether she is still the MOH. Hopefully, she will have listened to what you said and find a way to treat you differently. Maybe while you''re taking time for you, you can decide what you are willing to accept from her. You aren''t obligated to be mis-treated by her, even if she is your sister. You have a right to say ENOUGH, as you pretty much did the other day.
I hope things work out between you and your sister! I wish there was more I could do/say! I know it''s not going to take away the problem, but can you take some time to go do something fun for yourself to try and take your mind off things, even if it''s taking a walk w/J, getting a manicure, having lunch w/a friend, getting an ice cream, just something to make YOU happy...

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/4/2007 7:41:42 PM
Author: anchor31

So... right now all I'd like to get are big hugs and positive thoughts, like I wish my sister would do instead of putting me down. Thanks to all of you for your help and support.

That, I can do for you ...............(((((((((((((((((((((((ANCHOR)))))))))))))))))))))

I understand what it's like to be so dramatically different from your sister, and to wish the relationship were smoother.

My younger sister and I were thick as thieves when we were younger, and despite my most fervent hopes (and a TON of effort), it just hasn't happened in adulthood. She is simply incapable of maintaining relationships of any kind.......it's just too much for her. She doesn't want to invest herself or her energy, and she feels put on the spot and imposed upon if anyone suggests that she actually make some kind of effort.

As much as I wished our relationship would eventually be a priority to her, I came to realize after 20 waiting and hoping and trying that it wasn't going to happen. As hard as it was to accept that, I am much saner for it.

I've finally stopped trying to "make" something work that just won't....because she doesn't want it. She doesn't want anyone (me, friends, soon to be ex husband, ANYONE) to expect anything from her.

As much as you want your sister to be happy for you and celebrate with you, it sounds like she's not capable of it right now, and you can't change that. I think all you can do it to continue as you have been.....try to let the smaller friction roll off your back, and be clear in stating your feelings when it crosses the line.

I'm so sorry this is influencing what should be a wonderful and joyous time in your life....wishing you much strength.

 

[Finding_Neverland]

As a Mom of twin girls, I understand TWIN GIRLS.

One of ours has very good people skills and has had a couple of serious relationships with very nice and good young men. The other attracts "Beach Bum" types. One''s out kicking up her heels having the time of her life while the other is home, grousing about it.

Hugs, for you, Anchor.

From cradle to grave,.......... Nobody is closer to you than she is. Nobody is more different from you than she is.

Inside, she''s probably really happy for you. But, at the same time, she sees her own disasterous relationships, and she wants to protect you from harm.

What''s been simmering in the background is out in the open now. Give the whole thing some time. Don''t make any hasty decisions right now that you might regret later. Your sister may come around as your Wedding draws closer and becomes more "real".