WWYD if your husband...

[mayachel]

Date: 6/24/2009 10:57:07 AM
Author: elledizzy5
I''ve learned not to read into FI''s actions too much.


He shows me he loves me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 a year. I''ve never felt more loved or respected. You can read a whole buttload into the door mishap, but... man.. I trust my FI. He is not disrespectful. It was a mistake. End of story.


And to be fair, if it was a hot really hot chick and he got distracted and forgot me... so be it. I''m the one he''s marrying. Hot only gets ya so far.

beautifully put elle.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 6/24/2009 11:19:39 AM
Author: Shana2009
Well, at first I made the sarcastic comment ''thanks for the door!'' He was already halfway down the stairs. So no acknowledgement.

Then later, couldn''t hold it in so expressed that I was upset.

Told I am too slow, always 5 steps behind.

I''m still stewing today. It could be that there''s more there, sure--but also could be that I''m overreacting (I tend to get upset easily).

It sounds to me like it was a moment where he figured you were ok walking through the door alone and kept walking, then got defensive when you called him out on it instead of apologizing.

I think you would know whether there is more to this door situation than just him holding it open for someone else. You just need to be honest with yourself.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I probably would have laughed. That''s just the kind of relationship we have though...I am also cognizant that he is mentally challenged, not like learning disability but that fact that he is off the male specimin. Boys do crazy stuff and act weird, but mine puts up with all my faults so I don''t attribute much gravy to that stuff these days.

Additionally, if he said to me "you''re too slow

", being quick witted I would have immediatley said "apparently, I married you"

.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 6/24/2009 11:32:35 AM
Author: iwannaprettyone
I probably would have laughed. That''s just the kind of relationship we have though...I am also cognizant that he is mentally challenged, not like learning disability but that fact that he is off the male specimin. Boys do crazy stuff and act weird, but mine puts up with all my faults so I don''t attribute much gravy to that stuff these days.

Additionally, if he said to me ''you''re too slow

'', being quick witted I would have immediatley said ''apparently, I married you''

.

haha.

WIN!

 

[tlh]

It would bother me since my hubs opens the door for me, and then any lady, elderly, child etc, that is within 5-15 feet from the entrance. He sorta goes above and beyond.

 

[decodelighted]

I think some (most) men''s minds get a little fuzzy when they''re swamped with those "Attractive Woman" cues. Wasn''t there a big study about this -- that reaction times dipped etc? I''d bet he had a momentary lapse of thought & then when called on it was embarrased & defensive.

Where I see the problem is that he takes his bad feelings (shame, humiliation) and turns them ON YOU. YOU are "too slow". To me that indicates there is some level of resentment & anger going on towards you. Or something going on with him that he is taking out on you because you''re the closest person. Would start paying close attention & trying to help him voice his frustrations so at least you can get to the bottom of it (whether its legit or not!).

Sorry! Sucks!

 

[Shana2009]

Date: 6/24/2009 11:51:56 AM
Author: decodelighted
I think some (most) men''s minds get a little fuzzy when they''re swamped with those ''Attractive Woman'' cues. Wasn''t there a big study about this -- that reaction times dipped etc? I''d bet he had a momentary lapse of thought & then when called on it was embarrased & defensive.

Where I see the problem is that he takes his bad feelings (shame, humiliation) and turns them ON YOU. YOU are ''too slow''. To me that indicates there is some level of resentment & anger going on towards you. Or something going on with him that he is taking out on you because you''re the closest person. Would start paying close attention & trying to help him voice his frustrations so at least you can get to the bottom of it (whether its legit or not!).

Sorry! Sucks!

wow, that is some pretty interesting analysis. I''ll need to think about that one for a bit.

about your comment on men''s mind getting fuzz/studies, etc.--wouldn''t that lead one to conclude that he therefore does not find me attractive? Maybe it''s shallow, but I guess I got upset and defensive because 1) felt it was disrespectful and 2) made me feel unattractive

 

[princesss]

I''m with elle and IWPO. I''d probably laugh it off, make fun of him a little bit, and move on. I don''t think it''s necessarily a horrible, disrespectful thing to do. Just absent minded.

 

[ckrickett]

See, I can see how you can laugh it off depending on you SO , FI, DH but obviously this wasn''t a matter of him forgetting she was there. She was too slow so she didn''t deserve this chivalrous act, yet a random attractive woman did.

 

[iwannaprettyone]

Oh and just to add...I never walk behind my husband as it makes me feel subordinate. In fact DH likes me to be infront so that it is easier for him to look out for me (i have a bad habit of walking out in front of cars....hahaha

 

[Circe]

I''m a happy feminist, so my husband and I will both hold doors for one another, depending on who gets there first ... but if my husband was granting more courtesy to some other woman (not his mother, my mother, or one of our contemporaries), methinks I''d sit on it until we got home, and then politely mention that it irked me.

And as far as your walking too slowly goes, that''s nonsense - if you''re out together, you should compromise on pace. The fact that he was racing ahead would bug me more than the door thing, actually ....

 

[trillionaire]

perhaps I am immature, but I would run to the next door, open it, then slam in his face, yell ''too slow!", while laughing and giggling.

All for laughs though, not maliciously.

 

[chrono]

Date: 6/24/2009 1:13:56 PM
Author: Circe
I''m a happy feminist, so my husband and I will both hold doors for one another, depending on who gets there first ... but if my husband was granting more courtesy to some other woman (not his mother, my mother, or one of our contemporaries), methinks I''d sit on it until we got home, and then politely mention that it irked me.

And as far as your walking too slowly goes, that''s nonsense - if you''re out together, you should compromise on pace. The fact that he was racing ahead would bug me more than the door thing, actually ....

Circe,
You took the words right out of my mouth. We are equal opportunity door openers too. I''m not easily offended so I''d hold back and think about it, making sure I''m not overreacting or over analyzing. The husband possibly walking that far ahead would bother me too; a couple should walk pretty close to each other.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/24/2009 11:59:11 AM
Author: Shana2009

Date: 6/24/2009 11:51:56 AM
Author: decodelighted
I think some (most) men''s minds get a little fuzzy when they''re swamped with those ''Attractive Woman'' cues. Wasn''t there a big study about this -- that reaction times dipped etc?

about your comment on men''s mind getting fuzz/studies, etc.--wouldn''t that lead one to conclude that he therefore does not find me attractive?

No Shana ... I don''t think that you''re unattractive, or that HE finds you unattractive. He''s *used* to what you look like. Yanno? Its not a shock. He *came* to wherever that door was *with* you. The other girl was a new stimuli. A completely uncontrollable stimuli. He didn''t order her up to be there & its not his fault she was *objectively attractive*. Honestly I think some men have to work pretty hard at learning to control their natural reactions to "other women" so as not to hurt their partner''s feelings. If you think this represents a general disrespect for you then that''s something to think about. Little signs can add up to bigger truths but I wouldn''t fry him over this one thing. Just keep your eyes open.

 

[Kelli]

One time? I''d say something light-heartedly sarcastic and laugh it off. If it got to be a habit... that''s different. It would be one of those things I''d feel stupid bringing up, but I would have to, because I definitely think little things like that matter. And one of the reasons I love my DF so much is that he DOES do those things, not just for everyone, but me too.

 

[Haven]

I think all that really matters here is that you felt upset about the situation, so now you two need to resolve it. If your feelings are irrational, that doesn''t change them, right? So, regardless, there is still something causing discomfort here.

The fact that he dismissed your feelings when you approached him about it is the most upsetting thing about this situation, in my opinion. His first thought, upon hearing that his behavior upset you, should have been "Wow, I don''t want to upset my wife." Then, you should have been able to have a calm, quick discussion about it so he understood why you were upset, and you understood why he did it, and most importantly, you can both now avoid a situation like this in the future.

As for your question, if my DH did this I would probably feel slighted. I''d likely wait until we got home to say anything, and if it was still bothering me I would just tell him how it made me feel.

Sorry you''re feeling this way, I hope you two can resolve it soon.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Shana, I''m with you. I would have felt disrespected, unloved and less attractive. Sometimes actions speak as loud as words. I would sit him down in a quiet moment and tell him how much your feelings were hurt, and wait for an apology. If he doesnt immediately apologize once he realizes you were genuinely
hurt-then I''d be really mad. Was he like gaga over this women so you felt really snubbed? That would so not be acceptable to me, I dont care what the ''male
species'' is supposed to be like. But thats not me. I try to always make my husband feel loved and respected and if I was doing something to make him feel less
than, I would want him to tell me so I could change that. Hopefully, your husband will feel the same.

 

[purrfectpear]

When you give anyone, husband, SO, anyone..... the power to make you "feel unloved and unattractive", then you are the one with issues, not the guy with the door.

He didn''t "make you" anything, you are "choosing" to feel unattractive. You need to own that and determine why you are so insecure. This is not about a door, that much is clear.

 

[hlmr]

Date: 6/24/2009 11:31:51 PM
Author: purrfectpear
When you give anyone, husband, SO, anyone..... the power to make you 'feel unloved and unattractive', then you are the one with issues, not the guy with the door.

He didn't 'make you' anything, you are 'choosing' to feel unattractive. You need to own that and determine why you are so insecure. This is not about a door, that much is clear.

This is kind of harsh. In an intimate relationship, you are vulnerable. And those closest to you are the ones with the power to hurt you the most.

He chose not to wait the extra five seconds to hold the door for his wife, and yes, I agree that this is clearly not about a door. That was a rather selfish and immature comment he made about her being five seconds behind. What I would like to know is why is he always five seconds ahead of her?

 

[Circe]

Date: 6/24/2009 10:28:20 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 6/24/2009 11:59:11 AM

Author: Shana2009

Date: 6/24/2009 11:51:56 AM

Author: decodelighted

I think some (most) men''s minds get a little fuzzy when they''re swamped with those ''Attractive Woman'' cues. Wasn''t there a big study about this -- that reaction times dipped etc?

about your comment on men''s mind getting fuzz/studies, etc.--wouldn''t that lead one to conclude that he therefore does not find me attractive?

No Shana ... I don''t think that you''re unattractive, or that HE finds you unattractive. He''s *used* to what you look like. Yanno? Its not a shock. He *came* to wherever that door was *with* you. The other girl was a new stimuli. A completely uncontrollable stimuli. He didn''t order her up to be there & its not his fault she was *objectively attractive*. Honestly I think some men have to work pretty hard at learning to control their natural reactions to ''other women'' so as not to hurt their partner''s feelings. If you think this represents a general disrespect for you then that''s something to think about. Little signs can add up to bigger truths but I wouldn''t fry him over this one thing. Just keep your eyes open.

Deco, do you remember any other details about this study? ''Cause - and no disrespect is intended to you here, but to the myriad journalists who oversimplify scientific studies, and the myriad scientists who perform ridiculous studies - this sounds like junk science of the highest order to me, the kind of thing that''s invoked as part of the "men are more visually oriented! don''t judge us/them if they act like pigs! it''s NATURAL!" argument. I''d love to know what kinds of parameters they used, what their test subjects and methodology were like, etc.

Assuming the study is true ... we''re still more than our instincts. Men do manage to resist the urge to ogle strangers, just like women do, and both sexes generally manage to respect their partners, even when their gonads are screaming that Brad/Angelina (take your pick) is right across the room. It''s ... kind of the basis for modern civilization, the idea that we can do better than our programming.

Shana, I think your husband acted rudely. Don''t read too much into it re: why at this point: just talk to him to make it clear you''d rather he not do it again. If he disregards your feelings ... well, then, worry. And *not* that anything is wrong with *you,* come to that ....

 

[phoenixgirl]

This is tough because I''m getting that your feelings are about the door being held for another woman, not the door not being held for you. If it were the latter, you could just say, "Please hold the door for me when we''re out together," giving him something concrete to go on. It''s more difficult to pinpoint what he did "wrong" regarding the other woman . . . "Please don''t do nice things for other women which you don''t do for me, making me feel threatened" is less persuasive or easy to put into action.

So . . . do you think he dropped the door because he wanted to follow her/watch her/talk to her in a flirty way? Or was it really that you were several steps behind? Are you upset because of some kind of irrational instinct that looks out for signs that your man might be looking for a new mate (when it could have just been thoughtlessness), or is it because you were really snubbed?

I remember feeling this way a few times after college but before we were engaged/married. DH was a big flirt, had lots of female friends, and a had a reputation for having had many more girlfriends in college than he would say he had (he thought they were "hanging out"). One time we were at a bar talking to separate people (both girls). Suddenly he walked out with the girl he was talking to without stopping to tell me where he was going. My mate jealousy-meter skyrocketed. That one was probably thoughtlessness on his part--she was leaving and he wanted to walk her to her car to finish their conversation--and my reaction was augmented by the fact that the person I was talking to was a) another one of DH''s female friends and b) someone I didn''t really like and whom I didn''t want thinking my BF was snubbing me. I think I cared more about what the girl I was talking to thought than anything.

But another time this boorish groupie of DH''s band was showing us pictures of her party (which I didn''t attend because I had learned the hard way her parties were no fun and often involved watching video of the last party), and there was a picture of her on DH''s shoulders in a group shot; he was holding his hands up to her and she was reaching down and holding his hands. That one definitely wasn''t irrational. I''m sorry, I''m sure he was drunk and all and it seemed fun at the time (still not sure why the shoulder-riding required hand-holding), but she had to know how his girlfriend would react to that photo. It was more that there she was, showing me the photo, like she was trying to send me a message. Luckily DH agreed with me on that one and stopped being friends with her at that point. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask if we should invite her to things, but he always said no. I don''t think her intentions were right and there wasn''t a real friendship there that needed to be saved.

Anyway, my point is that there is a difference between you blowing a situation out of proportion because of your own feelings of insecurity like my first story, versus having something actually inappropriate to complain about, like my second. I''m afraid only you can figure out which one it is in your case, but a dropped door isn''t much to go on. If I saw my DH walk another woman out to her car without telling me now, I wouldn''t bat an eye. We''re a team and I want him to be friendly and chivalrous, and I''m there . . . it''s not like this is taking place at a secret rendezvous or anything. And of course, the shoulder/hand thing is unthinkable now, and if it weren''t that would be a serious problem!

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 6/24/2009 10:59:47 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I would pick my battles and look for something more significant to get upset over. If that''s the worst he''s done, get over it. If it''s one more thing in an already rocky relationship then discuss the real issues, not the door.

Ditto.

 

[mysterylover]

What would I do?

Turn around and go back to the car, if I had the keys. Start the car, and give him a few seconds to realize his mistake and come running before I left his butt there.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 6/25/2009 12:08:31 AM
Author: VRBeauty

Date: 6/24/2009 10:59:47 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I would pick my battles and look for something more significant to get upset over. If that''s the worst he''s done, get over it. If it''s one more thing in an already rocky relationship then discuss the real issues, not the door.

Ditto.

Thritto.

It really sounds like this goes way beyond that door and there are some real issues that you should be talking through with your husband.

 

[Squirrly]

if that happened to me and M gave that response i''d be inclined to think something''s stressing him out/perhaps he''s upset with me for some reason i completely missed and i''d sit down and talk it out with him.
he almost always holds open doors for me and gets the car door, so unless he was in a hurry to get something taken care of, it''d just be odd to me. of course the one time M forgot to open the car door for me was in front of his mom and she got onto him for it (and i was laughing the whole time about his unfortunate timing to forget)

as for the attractive lady bit, well while it is hard not to over think something like that, and it''d probably get to me somewhat too, he did marry you so obviously he finds you highly attractive, so much so he didn''t want anyone else to have you

 

[Shana2009]

Hmm, well it''s not that I am defining myself by my DH and therefore falling apart b/c of a door. It''s just something I found insulting and therefore am breaking it down in order to explain what about it made me feel the way it did. Think about it...attractive woman walks by you and your DH notices her and forgets you for a second. Now, yes I know it might be a fleeting moment, it''s not threatening my marriage, but your instincts do kick in and makes you feel upset! And why is that? It''s because in that moment you felt disrespected and when you break it down even futher, maybe not attrative to your DH as that another woman in THAT moment. It bothers me that his instinct is to be chilvarous to a strange woman and be rude to me (remember he cut me off to get through the door..I was RIGHT there!). Yes, I understand this is small and if I''m making it bigger, then maybe it''s indicative of other issues.

I think the main issue it''s indicative of is I don''t feel DH makes me feel special enough (as the wife), but this is certainly common in marriage.

Beyond that is the issue I have with how he handles conflict. IE if he had just aplogized and felt bad, it likely would have passed with just slight annoyance. But he hates to aplogize and his style is to deny, or point out what the OTHER person did to create the bad behavior. That''s why decodelighted''s comment on possible buried resentment hit a nerve--maybe it''s some of that. Or maybe it''s just how he is.

So instead of small issue, now it''s big because I STILL haven''t gotten a simple apology. B/c whether it''s small or not, it upset me, and that should be enough to want to make that person feel better or reassured. I don''t think it''s wrong, or sign of some major insecurity, or overdependence on a man to want that when you are at this stage of a relationship.

Thanks for all the feedback though--it''s given me alot to think about!

 

[strmrdr]

I did this with wifey2b I felt so bad.

I wasn't paying attention and she was walking behind me, I held the door, someone went thru the door, close door. woops there is the love of my life on the other side of the door.
I went to grab the door but she had already opened it.
I felt bad and gave her a hug to make up for it.
I honestly thought she was right behind me and not 10 feet back and didn't know who went thru the door just that someone did and assumed it was her.
storm is such a space ace sometimes.

btw it was a guy that walked thru the door.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Geez purfectpear talk about harsh. I guess we all cant be purfect like you.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 6/25/2009 11:16:08 AM
Author: Shana2009
Hmm, well it's not that I am defining myself by my DH and therefore falling apart b/c of a door. It's just something I found insulting and therefore am breaking it down in order to explain what about it made me feel the way it did. Think about it...attractive woman walks by you and your DH notices her and forgets you for a second. Now, yes I know it might be a fleeting moment, it's not threatening my marriage, but your instincts do kick in and makes you feel upset! And why is that? It's because in that moment you felt disrespected and when you break it down even futher, maybe not attrative to your DH as that another woman in THAT moment. It bothers me that his instinct is to be chilvarous to a strange woman and be rude to me (remember he cut me off to get through the door..I was RIGHT there!). Yes, I understand this is small and if I'm making it bigger, then maybe it's indicative of other issues.

I think the main issue it's indicative of is I don't feel DH makes me feel special enough (as the wife), but this is certainly common in marriage.

Beyond that is the issue I have with how he handles conflict. IE if he had just aplogized and felt bad, it likely would have passed with just slight annoyance. But he hates to aplogize and his style is to deny, or point out what the OTHER person did to create the bad behavior. That's why decodelighted's comment on possible buried resentment hit a nerve--maybe it's some of that. Or maybe it's just how he is.

So instead of small issue, now it's big because I STILL haven't gotten a simple apology. B/c whether it's small or not, it upset me, and that should be enough to want to make that person feel better or reassured. I don't think it's wrong, or sign of some major insecurity, or overdependence on a man to want that when you are at this stage of a relationship.

Thanks for all the feedback though--it's given me alot to think about!

If he never apologizes and always denies things that he does wrong I think it might be time to sit him down and have a discussion. NOBODY is perfect we all have flaws. Heck me and SO fight all the time ( we are the 2 most stubborn people I know). But we always step back and apologize when we are done because we know its the right thing to do. And in the end we don't ever want to argue it just happens because we are both so passionate about being right, all the time.

I'm not saying your DH is a bad person, just some people don't feel the need to apologize and get super offensive. But if this is something that bothers you (and it did it sounds like) you need to sit him down and let him know. Just let him know how you feel thta it isn't the hugest deal but it means alot to you. People always need to work out there differences and he might need to swallow his pride once and awhile in cases where he is in the wrong. A simple 'I'm sorry I love you" Might have completely made this go away.

Was he in the wrong for doing what he did. I think it was kinda a jerky thing to do but it isn't the end if the world., I believe a man should treat the woman he loves like gold (and vise versa really, we shouldn't act helpless. I hold doors for him and do things for him and he does them for me its a partnership). Then again please that's my opinion on that matter. Should he apologize... for upsetting you yes, for what he did, it's not worth it, it as no real big deal . He should have seen that it upset you and apologized, that's where I think he is in the wrong.

 

[KimberlyH]

If my husband did this I would be amused, if I were married to your husband and he did this, based on the entire situation you''ve described, I may be a bit bothered. Jealousy isn''t part of my makeup, so it takes me a lot to get riled up.