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Would you spend the holidays away from your SO?

zoebartlett

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2006
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12,450
If you had the chance to travel over the holidays without your SO coming with you, what would you do?

We usually travel together, but I have the chance to go with my parents over Christmas vacation to see my sister who lives on the west coast. My husband has to work between Christmas and NYs, and it will also be his turn to have his department's beeper for the week (meaning, he could be called in to work during off hours any time). Because of these two things, he can't go. I'd love to see my sister because I don't get to see her often and I'd love to spend Christmas with my family, which is what my husband and I typically do.We had originally decided to save the money and not go anywhere other than his parents' house on Christmas Eve (our tradition). I can't decide what to do. What would you choose?
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
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Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
I would go.

I would never go on holiday without my husband, but if he was working over Christmas then I know he would much rather that our daughter and I were spending Christmas with one of our families. And if it meant that I saw my sister who lives in Australia then it would be a no-brainer.
 

Clairitek

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Jul 21, 2008
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I would take the trip. There will hopefully be dozens more Christmases you can spend with your DH and it sounds like you would really enjoy the trip to the west coast.
 

TooPatient

Ideal_Rock
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I'd pass on the trip and go visit later with DH.

I may be in the minority here, but you and your husband ARE a family. FI and I are Jewish so we don't celebrate Christmas, but it would never even cross my mind to go somewhere without him for Passover or Rosh Hashanah (or even Sukkot).

It sounds like he has to work BETWEEN Christmas and NYE and be on call during off hours -- that does not mean that he will certainly be working ON the holiday. Even if it is just the two of you, a quiet holiday at home together sounds a lot better to me than a big "family" gathering for one and an evening at home alone for the other. (for that matter planning a quiet evening at home and having one person get called to work so the evening getting postponed sounds better)


Imagine that you are at your sister's house on Christmas and your DH is home by himself. Would you be able to enjoy your visit? Would you enjoy a big festive meal while thinking about your DH at home by himself eating microwaved leftovers or frozen dinners?
 

merilenda

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Apr 20, 2010
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I'm kind of with TooPatient. Now, that doesn't mean it's the right answer for everyone. I'm generally of the opinion that you do whatever works for your SO (even if the solution would be different in another relationship).

If the situation were revered, I'd be hurt if DH went on a trip while I had to work over the holidays. DH teaches at a university, so he gets VERY generous breaks. I usually have to work around various holidays, but he stays and spends them with me.

But if your DH is absolutely fine with you taking the trip, and that's what you want to do, then I say go for it.
 

QueenB29

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2008
Messages
440
What about going to your parents' on the 26th? Then you could still spend Christmas with your DH (and wouldn't have to feel guilty), AND see your sister! :appl:
 

ame

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Messages
10,763
Zoe|1317808709|3033699 said:
If you had the chance to travel over the holidays without your SO coming with you, what would you do?

We usually travel together, but I have the chance to go with my parents over Christmas vacation to see my sister who lives on the west coast. My husband has to work between Christmas and NYs, and it will also be his turn to have his department's beeper for the week (meaning, he could be called in to work during off hours any time). Because of these two things, he can't go. I'd love to see my sister because I don't get to see her often and I'd love to spend Christmas with my family, which is what my husband and I typically do.We had originally decided to save the money and not go anywhere other than his parents' house on Christmas Eve (our tradition). I can't decide what to do. What would you choose?
Yep and we have, he usually gets stuck working all around Xmas/NY so I end up alone. Though last year he was sick on Xmas, like strep sick. It was hell on him, he felt bad not being there. But infecting my family was not good.

Thanksgiving is the holiday we spend with his family, its like our vacation. However, my sister is due with her first kid, the first grandchild even, on Dec 3, and she's measuring many weeks ahead. So she can go at any time. Right now we're debating if I should go the whole week or not, because she wants all of us there for the delivery, and I am hoping that she goes way early...I don't really need/want to be there the whole time....
 

Octavia

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Oct 28, 2007
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I think it depends on how much the particular holiday means to you. My DH and I regularly spend Christmas and New Years apart, but I wouldn't dream of leaving him alone for Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday). The others are fun to celebrate with our respective parents/siblings/extended family. Since our families live almost half a world apart, we try to alternate years but it has happened several times since we've been together that we end up celebrating them separately. It's not really a big deal to us, but I can see how it would be if those holidays were more meaningful to us.
 

rosetta

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Jan 7, 2010
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I'm working this Christmas. My husband wouldn't go without me, nor I him.

This happens quite often as we are both doctors, but the policy is we stick together throughout!

It's what we do, but it's not the right answer for everyone. You should go if you want to, definitely.
 

Circe

Ideal_Rock
Trade
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Apr 26, 2007
Messages
8,087
It depends on your husband's personality, and how he feels about the holidays. I generally don't feel a qualm about going off to do things on my own, as my husband is, a) pretty self-sufficient, and, b) pretty honest. So, even though my folks and some more traditional acquaintances give me the stink-eye if I, say, go out to dinner with friends without him, or leave him alone while I go to a conference ... it's fine. If it wasn't, he'd tell me. How do I know this? Because one time, just before Christmas, I was late coming home from a day with friends, and it was not okay. Promised not to do it again, he forgave me, we moved on.

Conversely, I am totally the woman they talk about when they translate "Fine" as "I am going to kill you." One year, I got food poisoning on Christmas Eve (thanks, Santa!). I lost 8 lbs in one day, and was in no condition to follow through on our plans to have Christmas Day with friends. He was, though, and I told him he should totally go.

I lied.

I still haven't let it go.

Yeah, I suck, but ... Christmas Day! Spouse with food poisoning!

So I guess it depends: is your husband the straight-shooting type, like my husband, or is he an-elephant-never-forgets type, like me?
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
I would go if I were you. It's not going to be a regular occurrence and he has family in the area he can spend time with so he won't be alone. It might even be nice for his family to have him all to themselves.
 

Guilty Pleasure

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 16, 2008
Messages
1,114
My husband and I spent last Christmas apart because he was living in Japan, and I was still in the states. I spent Christmas Day with my family and also spent a few days with his family. We set up the laptop on a TV tray so he could see everyone and opened Christmas presents together with his family. He had sent a box of presents to us, and we had sent some to him. This year, we are flying home to the states in early December but can't stay through the 25th because he has to get back for work. I have the choice of staying in the states or coming home with him and want to come home with him. However, what I or my husband would do is kind of irrelevant... ask your husband. How will you feel being without him on Christmas? How will he feel? Do you and your husband give significance to the actual date of Christmas? Could you have "Christmas" on another day?
 

centralsquare

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 18, 2009
Messages
2,201
In this situation, I would definitely go (assuming he wouldn't get overly upset). If you were going to go to like Paris to sightsee, I would have thought maybe not the best to go....but to see your family, yes!
 

Haven

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Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
I agree with others that it just depends on your desires and whether your husband wants you to stay.

We don't celebrate Christmas, and the holiest of the Jewish holidays aren't exactly festive, so I think the closest equivalent *for me* would be Thanksgiving. I love Thanksgiving, and it really means family and togetherness to me. So, if it were me, I actually don't think I'd want to be without DH on the holiday. (It's strange, because when I first read your OP, I thought "Go for it! Why not?" But now that I'm putting myself in the situation, I don't think I'd like being without him.)

This totally depends on how you and your DH will feel on the actual holiday. I'd be sad to be without my honey, so I'd stay home. DH would probably be okay with me leaving, though, so if it was something I really wanted to do, I would be able to go without feeling guilty. I just know myself, and if I went without him I'd be feeling maudlin the entire time.
 

mayerling

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 4, 2010
Messages
2,357
Actually, that's what I have been doing since getting together with DH. We've never spent Christmas together, and we've only spent New Year's together twice. We live in the UK and we both have our respective families in other countries so we didn't want to ditch either set of parents - until now, that is. Now that we're married we're never parting again! :D
 

lliang_chi

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2008
Messages
3,740
It sounds like this is the first time you guys will be separated during the holidays. You two should have an honest conversation with each other. Does he think it'll bother him if you're not there? Will it bother you if you don't get to visit your sister?

This year, DH is leaving to visit his parents during Christmas. I'll be 32 wks pregnant and told him I don't want to travel. Right now, I *think* I'll be OK with him being there. My sis will stay in Chicago and keep me company. I honestly don't know how it'll be, since this is the first time we'll be apart. If it sucks then we know we won't do it again. If it's alright, then it's alright. In previous years, he's left for Thanksgiving to visit his folks and I stayed here, and that was totally fine for us.

Good luck,
LC
 

Aoife

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Joined
Jun 23, 2010
Messages
1,779
It really only matters what your DH thinks, but since you asked....

In the situation you have described, no. I wouldn't.

Your husband is going to be around, just tethered to a pager. It's not as though he's going to be unavailable during the entire time.

By choosing to prioritize the holidays with your birth family over the holidays with him, you are sending a very powerful message.

It's not as though you couldn't see your sister at another time, one that didn't involve leaving your DH alone during the holidays.

If the situations were reversed, would you be totally fine with your DH taking off to spend happy holidays with his family, leaving you on your own? Remember, you may be setting a precedent, here.

YMMV.
 

somethingshiny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 22, 2007
Messages
6,746
I would not spend the Holidays away from DH. HE is my family first. I couldn't imagine how upset he'd be if I told him, "Sorry that you're on call/working. But, I'm not so I'm going to go somewhere and have fun without you."

Whatever you decide, make sure it is TRULY okay with both of you.
 

MichelleCarmen

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 8, 2003
Messages
15,880
This is a tough call. What has your DH said about the two choices?

I guess the best option (IMO) is stay home and then book a trip to see your family w/your DH as soon after as you can! Everyone is different, I know, so really it comes down to what you and your DH feel is best for you!
 

Skippy123

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Nov 24, 2006
Messages
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How does your hubby feel about it? If he was okay, then you SHOULD go!!!
 

tammy77

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I was left alone by my ex on Christmas and he knew how painful it was but he chose his family over me (but he could easily have manned up and brought me, should have walked right then and there...live and learn though). I know your situation is quite different, but no. I would not go without him unless there's some drastic compelling reason to go NOW. I could consider it if there was a time sensitive reason - grave illness, newborn baby, someone in town that you otherwise wouldn't get to see for a long time.

I just can't help but think it would be putting your DH in a bad spot to ask him too. The guy is going to have a rough time telling you that he'd rather you stay. I know my DH would encourage me to go, even if it would hurt his feelings if I took him up on it. It's just one of those unspoken "rules" (at least in my circle of friends and family).

I'm sorry you have to choose. I know that sucks too. :(sad
 

zoebartlett

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Thanks so much for the advice!

My husband doesn't really get into the holidays, so Christmas will probably feel like just another Sunday to him. He's totally fine with me going. In fact, he was the one who suggested it. He knows that I'd love to be with my parents and my sister. He can't take time off from work, and since he could be called in at any time because of his beeper (although that rarely happens), he figures it's a good week to be apart. To me, it's not just any week away though. It's Christmas. I'd feel bad leaving him by himself. He'd most likely still go to his parents' house on Christmas Eve to see his family, then he'd hang out by himself on Christmas. It wouldn't bother him at all.

MC -- my parents agree with you. They think I should wait and go out there when we can both go.

Aoife -- When you put it that way, I feel horrible for even thinking of leaving during the holidays. We wouldn't even have had the conversation if the holiday season meant much to him. His thinking was since I'll be on school vacation anyway, I may as well go somewhere fun. I wouldn't want to be alone if the roles were reversed, so that's definitely something to think about.
 

basil

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I'd totally go, especially if you don't have much opportunity to see your sister often, and I don't think it sends any messages about who I consider my family first or anything. Though this is heavily influenced by the fact that my DH is of the mind that "holidays are just like any other days" and wouldn't particularly care. Actually, he'd probably prefer it to spending the day with my whole family :tongue:

On the other hand, I'd be upset if DH left me on an important holiday to spend time with his family. So I think it totally depends on how your DH feels about it.
 

iheartscience

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Zoe|1317856670|3034154 said:
Thanks so much for the advice!

My husband doesn't really get into the holidays, so Christmas will probably feel like just another Sunday to him. He's totally fine with me going. In fact, he was the one who suggested it. He knows that I'd love to be with my parents and my sister. He can't take time off from work, and since he could be called in at any time because of his beeper (although that rarely happens), he figures it's a good week to be apart. To me, it's not just any week away though. It's Christmas. I'd feel bad leaving him by himself. He'd most likely still go to his parents' house on Christmas Eve to see his family, then he'd hang out by himself on Christmas. It wouldn't bother him at all.

MC -- my parents agree with you. They think I should wait and go out there when we can both go.

Aoife -- When you put it that way, I feel horrible for even thinking of leaving during the holidays. We wouldn't even have had the conversation if the holiday season meant much to him. His thinking was since I'll be on school vacation anyway, I may as well go somewhere fun. I wouldn't want to be alone if the roles were reversed, so that's definitely something to think about.
Well if he's the one who suggested it and he isn't even that into Christmas then you should definitely go! It doesn't matter if you wouldn't want to be alone, IMO-your husband doesn't mind and *he's* the one who will be alone.
 

ChloeTheGreat

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Dec 25, 2009
Messages
682
As long as he is not hurt by it, I don't see why it would be a problem.

I would spend the holidays away from my SO if it meant I could get out of seeing his family. :knockout:
 

zoebartlett

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thing2of2|1317857373|3034166 said:
Zoe|1317856670|3034154 said:
Thanks so much for the advice!

My husband doesn't really get into the holidays, so Christmas will probably feel like just another Sunday to him. He's totally fine with me going. In fact, he was the one who suggested it. He knows that I'd love to be with my parents and my sister. He can't take time off from work, and since he could be called in at any time because of his beeper (although that rarely happens), he figures it's a good week to be apart. To me, it's not just any week away though. It's Christmas. I'd feel bad leaving him by himself. He'd most likely still go to his parents' house on Christmas Eve to see his family, then he'd hang out by himself on Christmas. It wouldn't bother him at all.

MC -- my parents agree with you. They think I should wait and go out there when we can both go.

Aoife -- When you put it that way, I feel horrible for even thinking of leaving during the holidays. We wouldn't even have had the conversation if the holiday season meant much to him. His thinking was since I'll be on school vacation anyway, I may as well go somewhere fun. I wouldn't want to be alone if the roles were reversed, so that's definitely something to think about.
Well if he's the one who suggested it and he isn't even that into Christmas then you should definitely go! It doesn't matter if you wouldn't want to be alone, IMO-your husband doesn't mind and *he's* the one who will be alone.
I know, I'd just feel guilty, even thought there's no reason to.
 

Aoife

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Zoe|1317856670|3034154 said:
Thanks so much for the advice!

My husband doesn't really get into the holidays, so Christmas will probably feel like just another Sunday to him. He's totally fine with me going. In fact, he was the one who suggested it. He knows that I'd love to be with my parents and my sister. He can't take time off from work, and since he could be called in at any time because of his beeper (although that rarely happens), he figures it's a good week to be apart. To me, it's not just any week away though. It's Christmas. I'd feel bad leaving him by himself. He'd most likely still go to his parents' house on Christmas Eve to see his family, then he'd hang out by himself on Christmas. It wouldn't bother him at all.

MC -- my parents agree with you. They think I should wait and go out there when we can both go.

Aoife -- When you put it that way, I feel horrible for even thinking of leaving during the holidays. We wouldn't even have had the conversation if the holiday season meant much to him. His thinking was since I'll be on school vacation anyway, I may as well go somewhere fun. I wouldn't want to be alone if the roles were reversed, so that's definitely something to think about.
I didn't intend to make you feel horrible! As you can see from this thread, there a many different ways to look at this situation, all valid. If your husband is fine with you going, then it really is up to you.
 

Gypsy

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Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
We've done it before. DH went to visit his family one year and I wasn't able to get the time off work. I had a nice holiday with friends.
 

pregcurious

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 18, 2009
Messages
6,724
No, but it's a personal choice. If your DH and you are okay with it, why not? You can plan to celebrate the holidays a different time that works for both you.
 

swingirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 6, 2006
Messages
5,660
I would go as long as DH is 100% okay with it. You've got more holidays ahead to spend with your husband than with your parents and sister.
 
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