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Would you prefer an heirloom engagement ring or a new one picked out by you/your fiancé?

A

AllAboardTheBlingTrain

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
3,359
I understand the question comes with caveats: what does the heirloom ring look like, would you be allowed to update the setting, whose heirloom is it, can you get your dream ring in your ring budget etc. But I still find it an interesting question to pose.

For me - It would depend very much on the setting/size/style of the heirloom ring and whether I’d be allowed to change or update the setting if I didn’t like it. Frankly, my “perfect” ring would be the biggest (good quality) single solitaire on a plain band that I could afford. If the heirloom has a nice single stone and I could update the setting, id be happy with an heirloom! If the heirloom would consist of many small stones or other things than diamonds, then I’d rather pass. I also wouldn’t care whose heirloom it is - my family’s or my fiancé’s family’s, but I think I would almost prefer the former because I would have a lot more creative control over the process. I might feel like I’m overstepping if I meddle with the OH’s family ring. I would however be totally happy to get a new ring, but I would want to be involved in the process of purchasing, and I’m open to adding to the budget in order to really get my dream ring, because I would not want to upgrade.

Thoughts?
 
I’d be happy with an heirloom ring if I liked it, if I didn’t, hurt feelings aside, I just wouldn’t want or wear it.
 
I have very strong personal tastes, and if I am given a piece of jewellery that I like, I would wear it, like my mum's sugar loaf Ruby diamond cluster ring.

However, if I don't like it as it is, and am given the free reign to do whatever I like to it, then I would repurpose it into a piece that I would like to wear. This is what I have done with my mum's MRB and her carré cut 6-stone band, the former in the process of being set as a bangle, and the latter turned into a bracelet.

As for an ER, I would definitely like to get involved with the design and buying process. Quite happy to take on the entire process, just need to be given a budget. That's what happened with my ER, my ex-husband gave me a budget, and I went to look for it myself, tried on the rings, decided on one, and brought him to the jewellery store to finalise the spec. and he paid for it, for me to collect it when it was ready on my own.

I doubt if I would ever find a person who would know me well enough to get me a piece of jewellery that I would truly like without any input from me.

Luckily, I am at a stage in life that I don't have to rely on someone else to buy me jewellery as I can buy my own.

I am getting a neon pink Sapphire to set in an air gap diamond flower cluster ring, my dream ER, as the chances of finding a special someone to walk me down the aisle is practically zero!

DK :))
 
I cannot answer that. In an ideal world I prefer an heirloom ring over a newly made one no question. But I have to think it is a beautiful stone and ring if I am going to love and wear it. So that's my answer. Heirloom if I love it.

I guess I want my cake and eat it too.

eatingcake.png
 
I am a bit confused are you saying your dream ring is a solitaire and if you were given an heirloom ring you'd be ok as long as it had a nice sized center daimond and you could reset that center daimond in a solitaire? Otherwise you'd rather pass on the heirloom ring, and be allowed to go out and buy a new solitaire?

If this is the case then I actually think you might be saying you're happy recycling parts -- is this the question: would you be happy recycling parts of an old ring? As yes definitely, I'd be delighted (I would probably also be happy with the rest of the ring if it wasn't too gaudy and I liked the center stone, but like most people on a jewelery forum I guess there are definitely some designs I feel like I could wear and some I don't.).
 
qubitasaurus said:
I am a bit confused are you saying your dream ring is a solitaire and if you were given an heirloom ring you'd be ok as long as it had a nice sized center daimond and you could reset that center daimond in a solitaire? Otherwise you'd rather pass on the heirloom ring, and be allowed to go out and buy a new solitaire?

If this is the case then I actually think you might be saying you're happy recycling parts -- is this the question: would you be happy recycling parts of an old ring? As yes definitely, I'd be delighted (I would probably also be happy with the rest of the ring if it wasn't too gaudy and I liked the center stone, but like most people on a jewelery forum I guess there are definitely some designs I feel like I could wear and some I don't.).
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Yeah, I meant that if the heirloom was already a solitaire on a band, or if I was allowed to reset it into my preferred style, I’d be happy to go for it, also because it’ll save us money that I could use towards something else - maybe a bling project! If not (either not allowed to reset or doesn’t have a single sizeable stone) then I would want to buy new.

I asked because I think people’s opinions are all over the place and it can be interesting to see. I have a friend for example who doesn’t really like or care about jewelry, but because she isn’t a big jewelry person she wants her ring to be an exact super specific way so that it is something she would be comfortable wearing every day forever, so she would probably lean towards buying new. Another who would want an heirloom ring if possible (and she doesn’t care about what it looks like really) because she thinks it’s romantic to wear a ring belonging to her fiancé’s mother or grandmother, but she doesn’t want him to propose with her grandmother’s ring (which she plans to wear as an RHR).

Some people might be comfortable recycling other jewelry into wearable things they like, but not the engagement ring (though I, similarly to you, am, like you said, a recycler. Heirloom is neither a plus nor a minus for me). Some think it’s heresy to repurpose an heirloom because the Vintage look is part of the charm. FWIW, I like vintage looking things, but not for an engagement ring, so it isn’t even consistent in one single person’s opinion. I find that fascinating :)
 
If heirloom = vintage and no strings attached other than the usual ones that come with an engagement ring - so I’m allowed to remodel, repurpose etc and I love the stone, then heirloom every time. Otherwise new to me, whether that’s newly made or newly bought.
 
Heirloom all the way. If we were just starting out in life, a free ring would be great and would be something that could later be reset. Maybe the heirloom would be bigger than anything we could afford at the time. We could save up for an upgrade over time. If it was an OEC, I'd be happy as a clam. I'm practical.
 
I prefer new, my own. I’m not a vintage lover and I’m picky.
 
Mine is an heirloom stone. I took it from the original setting because the wearer is passed and nobody had any feelings toward it one way or another so my husband did what he wanted with it for reset. It's a smaller stone though and I would've had 0 diamond ring if we hadn't used it so I made the best of it. I have sentimental feelings towards it and will never sell or trade it in.

In a perfect world my husband would've been wildly wealthy though before our marriage and I would've just gotten that 2 carat parti sapphire I dream of and I would've just left my heirloom alone for my daughter/her daughter to choose what to do with as she pleased. But that's not what happened lol.
 
i turned my heirloom ring (the only heirloom I've ever been left) into a pendant so I'm in the camp of preferring to pick out a ring w my SO. if the relative who left me the ring was still with us I would have gladly worn it as-is. If finances were an issue i would have gladly worn it as-is or if I didnt have it then a plain gold band. it was beautiful but didnt look great on me and we were fortunately able to indulge on another ring. <3 i also wear the heirloom stone almost every day now, whereas the ring sat in a box for over a decade.
 
I recently inherited my MIL's engagement ring. It was a wonderful sweet gesture from my FIL but I would not like it to be my ER. I don't have any objections to an heirloom ER and would appreciate the history very much but this was not that ring for me. I did have it remade (with FIL's blessing) into a RHR that honors it's original meaning and that I love and will wear often.
 
Unless it is a dream stone as to 4 Cs and is really big, I can re set it to my liking, I would rather have my own. I hear stories about messy split ups and if it is an heirloom ring there is huge pressure to return it so it will remain in the family-from all family members not just the ex -even though it is the bride’s after the marriage.
 
I vote no to heirloom (and I got one). I think it’s better to pick out what you want, whether it’s vintage or new. Too many strings with heirloom and too many possibilities for hurt feelings or unhappiness.
 
I didn't get a ring, just a wedding band, but I have my own ideas of what I would want to wear. The anniversary ring was all my idea. I agree with @eapj about the additional strings and whatnot, which I would not want.
 
I vote no heirloom because as lovely the idea is, it probably comes with strings attached and there's no guarantee you will like it the way it is.
If it's your families heirloom then I would want to make sure that there is no feelings of resentment from other members because they wanted it or they don't want you to make any changes.
Then if it's the fiancee's heirloom you might not like it/can't change it and again feelings of resentment may pop up from other family members.
Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable to wear a heirloom ring as an engagement ring everyday. I would be scared to lose or damage it because insurance won't cover the family's emotional attachment and history.
Not to mention who gets to keep the ring if a divorce happens.
 
AllAboardTheBlingTrain said:
Yeah, I meant that if the heirloom was already a solitaire on a band, or if I was allowed to reset it into my preferred style, I’d be happy to go for it, also because it’ll save us money that I could use towards something else - maybe a bling project! If not (either not allowed to reset or doesn’t have a single sizeable stone) then I would want to buy new.

I asked because I think people’s opinions are all over the place and it can be interesting to see. I have a friend for example who doesn’t really like or care about jewelry, but because she isn’t a big jewelry person she wants her ring to be an exact super specific way so that it is something she would be comfortable wearing every day forever, so she would probably lean towards buying new. Another who would want an heirloom ring if possible (and she doesn’t care about what it looks like really) because she thinks it’s romantic to wear a ring belonging to her fiancé’s mother or grandmother, but she doesn’t want him to propose with her grandmother’s ring (which she plans to wear as an RHR).

Some people might be comfortable recycling other jewelry into wearable things they like, but not the engagement ring (though I, similarly to you, am, like you said, a recycler. Heirloom is neither a plus nor a minus for me). Some think it’s heresy to repurpose an heirloom because the Vintage look is part of the charm. FWIW, I like vintage looking things, but not for an engagement ring, so it isn’t even consistent in one single person’s opinion. I find that fascinating :)
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Yes nicer if they get a second life. If it is just the center daimond then you may also be able to put a coloured stone into the old setting and wear it as a right hand ring which will probably help people process the sentimental aspect (as some people may have memories attached to the specific look of that piece).

I think though there is an element of give and take in it. As once you have an heirloom more people are impacted by what you do, and you dont really have carte blanch to do what you want until you've checked with them. Including some of the other people who could have inherited the ring instead of you -- and may get hurt that it got carved up for parts.

I dont think it is worth worrying what society thinks/social norms towards antiques/new/heirloom. Lol they should all be recycling anyway it's more sustainable (indeed many places offer trade in and upgrade policies on daimonds and if you buy from one of them you're probably unwittingly recycling. So this is not an item where there is any functional difference between 'brand new fossilized carbon' and 'old fossilized carbon'.)
 
New one designed by me!

I think the idea of an heirloom ring is lovely, but in practice, my taste is fairly modern and delicate. Maybe a reset could work, but at that point, I'd rather just start from scratch so all the components come together per my taste.
 
I think heirlooms are lovely for young couples who maybe cannot afford anything else but usually the issue is the sentimentality prevents any alterations to it. Also if you split - you should return it to the original family! If I was offered one & I genuinely liked it - sure thing, otherwise would prefer to design my own ring!
 
lambskin said:
Unless it is a dream stone as to 4 Cs and is really big, I can re set it to my liking, I would rather have my own. I hear stories about messy split ups and if it is an heirloom ring there is huge pressure to return it so it will remain in the family-from all family members not just the ex -even though it is the bride’s after the marriage.
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GliderPoss said:
I think heirlooms are lovely for young couples who maybe cannot afford anything else but usually the issue is the sentimentality prevents any alterations to it. Also if you split - you should return it to the original family! If I was offered one & I genuinely liked it - sure thing, otherwise would prefer to design my own ring!
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I didn’t even think about what happens if you split up, hmmm. That definitely adds another layer to the entire discussion... it’s like, will an heirloom ring ever truly be yours or will you always be just a custodian of the ring?

Interesting point. I suppose for myself, I would not want to feel like a “custodian” - so I would only want an heirloom if it’s no strings attached. That pushes me further into new ring category honestly.
 
eapj said:
I vote no to heirloom (and I got one). I think it’s better to pick out what you want, whether it’s vintage or new. Too many strings with heirloom and too many possibilities for hurt feelings or unhappiness.
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Nikki1415 said:
I vote no heirloom because as lovely the idea is, it probably comes with strings attached and there's no guarantee you will like it the way it is.
If it's your families heirloom then I would want to make sure that there is no feelings of resentment from other members because they wanted it or they don't want you to make any changes.
Then if it's the fiancee's heirloom you might not like it/can't change it and again feelings of resentment may pop up from other family members.
Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable to wear a heirloom ring as an engagement ring everyday. I would be scared to lose or damage it because insurance won't cover the family's emotional attachment and history.
Not to mention who gets to keep the ring if a divorce happens.
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You bring up a great point about strings. I wonder if something like this which so many people are invested in can ever be truly “no strings attached”. Also I guess it depends on what you want to do with it... I know for myself, if I passed on my ring as an heirloom to my future generations, I would be okay if they would reset it how they liked but not okay if they recut the stone. I don’t know why I would feel differently about those two things but I would.
 
I wish DF had given me an heirloom; then, I definitely wouldn't have become an addict! Now that I'm already an addict, I've become spoiled and can't go back to being given an heirloom instead of designing it myself or at least choosing the gem and setting.
 
AllAboardTheBlingTrain said:
You bring up a great point about strings. I wonder if something like this which so many people are invested in can ever be truly “no strings attached”. Also I guess it depends on what you want to do with it... I know for myself, if I passed on my ring as an heirloom to my future generations, I would be okay if they would reset it how they liked but not okay if they recut the stone. I don’t know why I would feel differently about those two things but I would.
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The jewelry my FIL gifted me was truly no strings attached. He specifically wanted me to have the wedding set to do as I wished. He knew I would reset it and we even talked about some ideas...he never once injected himself into that process. The reset is something my MIL would not like from a style perspective. However I intentionally carried on the ‘legacy’ of the ring in the design and that meant a lot to FIL. He is very happy with the outcome. I can not speak for my BIL’s or their wives who have not asked and AFAIK have no idea about MIL’s wedding set. I did go through all of the other jewelry and offer/distribute it between family and close friends. There wasn’t a lot of value but everyone has at least a keepsake.
 
This is an interesting topic. I have a lot of issues, in this day and age, with girls “waiting” for surprise proposals, surprise rings, no prior discussions of a timeline to marriage or ring preferences. My daughters have some friends with long-term boyfriends who agonized over whether he was thinking of proposing! Really? In 2019, 2020? You are not discussing marriage as a couple? Sure, the actual proposal can be a surprise, but she should know it’s coming!

Anyway, that’s how I see an heirloom fiasco going down — if he NEVER mentioned this heirloom ring, trotted it out, and then was hurt she didn’t like it. Or worse, she pretends to like it.

Buy your own ring and wear the heirloom on the right or on a pendant! Unless of course, you know all about it and LOVE it. OR his mom is/was a PSer, haha!
 
alittlelight said:
This is an interesting topic. I have a lot of issues, in this day and age, with girls “waiting” for surprise proposals, surprise rings, no prior discussions of a timeline to marriage or ring preferences. My daughters have some friends with long-term boyfriends who agonized over whether he was thinking of proposing! Really? In 2019, 2020? You are not discussing marriage as a couple? Sure, the actual proposal can be a surprise, but she should know it’s coming!

Anyway, that’s how I see an heirloom fiasco going down — if he NEVER mentioned this heirloom ring, trotted it out, and then was hurt she didn’t like it. Or worse, she pretends to like it.

Buy your own ring and wear the heirloom on the right or on a pendant! Unless of course, you know all about it and LOVE it. OR his mom is/was a PSer, haha!
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Absolutely! Personally, I feel like a proposal can be a surprise, but it shouldn’t be a shock. And also, it would rub me up the wrong way if my significant other unilaterally was in charge of when/if we get married. I would ideally like to have several conversation about marriage before a proposal, and have some input on my ring. I’m fine if he is the romantic type who would want to “surprise” me with the ring, but in that case, my best friend and my sister are more than adequately primed, with reference pictures, of what I would like and can take him shopping. If an heirloom ring is the way he would like to go, then he should bring it up with me! I would hate to be surprised. I’m very decisive and have very strong opinion about jewelry :D
 
To be fair I’m not generalizing. What works for most doesn’t work for all. We’re all different with our unique perspective. I’m not in the position to judge others. What works for each couple is good in my book.

Though if I were to generalize I agree that communication is critical for a successful relationship. I just can’t extrapolate from the proposal to everything else about one’s relationship. Speaking from my perspective only.
 
missy said:
To be fair I’m not generalizing. What works for most doesn’t work for all. We’re all different with our unique perspective. I’m not in the position to judge others. What works for each couple is good in my book.

Though if I were to generalize I agree that communication is critical for a successful relationship. I just can’t extrapolate from the proposal to everything else about one’s relationship. Speaking from my perspective only.
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Yes I totally agree with you and I hope that I didn’t come off as judgy in my previous post, that wasn’t my intention at all! I was talking about how I personally feel. I have a friend whose boyfriend totally surprised her with a proposal and ring and they hadn’t had any super serious conversations about marriage, just a vague conversation about “someday”. She was blown away and she’s very happy still, so it works for her. Whatever floats their boat :)
 
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