Would You or Wouldn''t You

[CurlySue]

I''m torn about this decision and just want some outside opinions. In the grand scheme of things, it''s really no big deal and I probably should suck it up and just figure this out on my own, but just wanted to see what others would do. The question is about whether you would or would not invite a particular person (and their spouse) to your wedding.

Here''s the background: FI and I set our guest list months ago and made a big effort to keep it as small as possible. We are estimating about 100-120 guests. All of the friends we have on our guest list are friends that we feel particularly close to and see/keep in touch with regularly. Save the Dates were sent out the first week in April.

I have two main groups of girlfriends - one from college and one from grad school. Most of the girls in each group live in different cities. Every year, each of these groups plan a "girls'' weekend" that we all travel to so we can see each other and hang out and have fun. So this year, in place of those two individual trips, my bridesmaids are planning one girls'' weekend for my closest friends in place of a shower/bachelorette.

There is one girl in my group of grad school friends who used to regularly participate in our weekend getaway trips, but in the last few years, she has had a lot going on in her life and we haven''t seen much or heard much from her. Let''s call her Jane. While I like Jane and have no problems with Jane whatsoever, I personally haven''t been in touch with her in the last two years outside of Christmas cards and an occasionally emailed photo album of her kids. In fact, out of our group of 6 girls, really only 1 other girl (let''s call her Kelly) has been in touch with her recently.

Since FI and I intentionally kept our guest list small, and I haven''t seen/talked to Jane in two years, I did not add her and her husband to the guest list for the wedding... and therefore, she was not invited to the girls'' weekend that is, for all intents and purposes, my bachelorette party.

Well, as it turns out (as I probably should have anticipated), Kelly and Jane spoke yesterday and Kelly told Jane about my engagement. After they spoke, Kelly emailed one of my bridesmaids and said, "be sure to send Jane and invite to the bachelorette party." Now - I don''t think Kelly has any idea who''s on our wedding guest list, so I doubt she thinks she''s doing anything wrong, but she probably shouldn''t have assumed Jane would be invited. I don''t know if Kelly TOLD Jane about the girls'' weekend or not, but I am guessing that she feels that since the bachelorette party is sort of like our grad school girls'' weekend this year, we might was well invite Jane.

Today, I got an email from Jane congratulating me on my engagement.

So now I am unsure of what to do about Jane. I feel it''s odd if we invite her to the girls'' weekend if she''s not invited to the wedding. So do I just shrug it off and add Jane and her husband to the guest list now that she has initiated contact? Or should I stick with the original plan of not inviting her?

Would you or wouldn''t you invite Jane?

 

[sunnyd]

Hmmm...I had a couple of similar cases when creating our guest list. I had some people who are in my group of friends but who I''m not close to at all, I just threw on the list because they''d be the only ones from the group who weren''t invited and then I''d feel like an ass.

So if you don''t really care and can fit/afford her and her DH, might as well have them.

 

[meresal]

I would add them to the guest list.

 

[caribqueen]

Given what you''ve written in your post, I would add "Jane" and her husband to your guestlist.

 

[legallyspoiled]

Tough call. I''ll say this...a friend of mine had a very tight guest list because her venue could only hold a certain number of people. There were friends and FAMILY that wanted to attend the wedding. She politely told the uninvited friends that she really wanted to invite them but she had FAMILY that she couldn''t invite. Just an idea.

I think that inviting her just because you don''t want to seem unfriendly (for lack of a better word) isn''t the best idea. How many other friends or family members could you use the exact same argument for? If you considered her when creating the guestlist and decided not to invite her for a legitimate reason, don''t second guess yourself now without a reason to.

 

[RaiKai]

I don't think you should invite anyone that you don't really want there.

However, whether you should invite her or not is so situational and dependent on many factors. In my case I would not have invited her as our small guest list was 16 people....an extra couple would have made a big difference to our plans and intention and atmosphere for our wedding! We only invited people we were very, very, very close to and really, really wanted there. This meant even a lot of close blood relatives were not invited (DH and I both have large families). Etiquette in that case for us be damned...it really would have altered our own wedding quite dramatically to add in a couple extra people we were not that close to. We did not plan our wedding or guest list based on being friendly or polite - there are many who disagree with this approach but it worked for us.

So, if you did not want to invite her, I totally support it and understand it. If you opt not to invite her, I would just be honest with her about it and let know that you and your fiance are not planning to invite her as you selected the guest list quite a while ago and were not in contact with her lately.

Ideally, it should of been vetted by you before she was invited to the girls weekend as it WILL make it a big awkward, but, not everyone who knows of the wedding or participates in other events need be invited.

However, if it is an extra two people in a groups 100-120 guests....it probably will not make a significant difference to the wedding or the budget if those are your main concerns.

At the end of the day...my deciding factor would be...."do I and DF want Jane there, or not?". Plain and simple!

 

[Nov2109]

It''s one of those situations where you should ask yourself if having her there will save hurt feelings, and avoid a potential awkward situation at a girls weekend.

Where you invited to her wedding, or did she get married before you had met?

I personally would probably invite her just to avoid an awkward situation..as two extra people on a guest list of 100-120 wont make a huge impact. You just need to make sure there isnt someone close to you that wasn''t invited that she would essentially be taking the place of if you were to stretch it those 2 extra places.

But in the end, its your wedding, and as RaiKai said, do you and FI want her there?

 

[CurlySue]

I think I am going to invite her and her husband.

We can afford a few extra guests, we won''t be offending anyone else by inviting them, and it will avoid any unnecessary drama that could result from not inviting them.

Thanks for helping me "check my head," ladies!

 

[iota15]

I was going to say, Invite them. (And I''m glad you are).

I''m generally not afraid to say, other be dam*ed. But honestly, a WHOLE weekend with a bunch of your other close girlfriends AND Jane at what is supposed to be your bachelorette party.... AWKWARD!!!

I''m all for inviting who you want. However, I also prefer not to feel awkward and sheepish when my five other girlfriends are showering me with raunchy candy, gawdy viels and a neon pink bridal hoodie! (you get the idea).

This is supposed to be a weekend for fun! And maybe it''s just me, but I believe I can avoid most uninvited-guests-awkward situations with a pro-forma answer or two. But a whole weekend dedicated to your bride-to-be-ness - I think alleviating any gulit, bad feelings and general awkwardness over a weekend of my life is worth two invites. But that''s just me.

 

[iota15]

Plus, from your description, she might not come.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I think at this point, there is only one correct choice - adding her and her husband to the guest list

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I would add her to the guest list. It''s only 2 more people, and she may not even come (if she''s that busy with life). Even if it''s Kelley''s mistake, it''s your job to fix it, unfortunately. Plus, keeping the relationship open may make things smoother for you down the road.

You can''t invite people to wedding activities and then NOT invite them to the wedding, IMO.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

There was a girl in my small group of high school friends that i had grown apart from and i wasn''t going to invite her to our wedding, she didn''t even meet my hubby until after we were engaged. I ended up inviting her and i am really glad that i did. It''s not often that we all get to get together and the wedding just made it all the more special. She is engaged now too and i am really looking forward to all the festivities that will come from her wedding. (assuming that i am invited!)

So i say invite her and her hubby!