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Would you feel hurt?

jewelerman

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2007
Messages
3,101
I have to share this expedience with my Price scope family to get it off my chest because im hurt and angry.Would like to know what the forum thinks and if you would feel hurt .Basically a very close friend's son is getting married in a few months and her future daughter in law asked me to help her with the rings because we are close and she knows my background, can save her money and still get her quality rings with better warranty.We made plans to go shopping and to sit down and get her schooled in jewelry education and she would commit to nothing without at least calling me.The meetings were cancelled last minute because my close friend became ill and so i was told we would re-schedule.The next thing i know Ive been told by my friend that the rings have been bought and in their possession.I thought to myself that even though i was a bit hurt and felt rejection from someone who was like family it was okay and I consoled myself knowing that i was good at what i did and that there were famous celebrities who have trusted my taste and opinions even if my friend's future daughter in law didn't.I was asked later to look at the ring at a family dinner, i louped it, and as i suspected would happen, the ring was a mess.They took a size 6 or 7 ring from stock with I1 clarity diamond melee down the full length of the shoulders and sized it to a size 4 and also cut the hallmark stamps out.The stones will fall out with a few wearings.The center diamond was a poorly cut princess and was a I2 clarity and about an m color.All i could say was that it looked like the style she wanted from the brides magazine and handed it back to her saying nothing because i didn't want to be asked to clean up this mess. No one would let me see the paperwork or what was paid for the rings.I found out later by my friends husband that i wasn't included in the purchase because my friend(and not the future daughter in law) wanted a girls only day out in shopping for the rings.She didn't even want to be interrupted to make a call or text me with the stats.So you have heard my sad jewelry tale of woe...would you be hurt,frustrated or angry that you would be asked to help,then put aside by friends that are like family?Thanks for listening!Your opinions,insights and personal experiences are welcome!
 

Maria D

Brilliant_Rock
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Jan 24, 2003
Messages
1,897
Yes, I would be bothered, but I think I would be even more hurt, frustrated and angry if I were the future daughter-in-law! She's stuck with a crappy ring because her MIL wanted a girl's day out to go ring shopping? That's really too bad.

I don't think you should take this too personally. It sounds like your friend overstepped here. The bride-to-be asked for your help but your friend butted in (wonder what the son makes of all of this?) and had her own ideas.
 

mayerling

Ideal_Rock
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Mar 4, 2010
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2,357
Yes, I would be hurt. Who asked you for assistance originally? The friend or the daughter-in-law?
 

Miss Sparkly

Brilliant_Rock
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Jan 2, 2010
Messages
1,664
I would personally feel rejected. Then my bitchy side would come out and ration karma just bit her in the ass. I am sorry this happened to you :( sounds like you were looking forward to being able to help her.
 

Autumnovember

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 28, 2010
Messages
4,384
I would definitely be a bit bothered but I think beyond that, I would be hurt FOR the girl who is receiving the ring because she COULD have had a great ring if your input was taken. You know your work, you know what you had to offer, they didn't take it and honestly it is their loss. I have a feeling....someone will be coming back to you to clean up the mess.

Honestly, shame on your friend for doing that....thats ridiculous. I wonder if jealousy could have played a part in this.
 

AprilBaby

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Jul 17, 2008
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10,944
I think I would mostly be sad for the bride that she has an idiot for a mil that could have found her a beautiful ring and instead took it upon herself to spoil it all and get her a dud.
 

Miss Sparkly

Brilliant_Rock
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Jan 2, 2010
Messages
1,664
Looks like the gal asked for his help (from his post)
 

merilenda

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 20, 2010
Messages
816
I would feel hurt, but like others said, I'd feel worse for the girl who has to live with the ring. :nono:
 

zoebartlett

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Dec 29, 2006
Messages
12,450
Maria D|1308001284|2944999 said:
Yes, I would be bothered, but I think I would be even more hurt, frustrated and angry if I were the future daughter-in-law! She's stuck with a crappy ring because her MIL wanted a girl's day out to go ring shopping? That's really too bad.

I don't think you should take this too personally. It sounds like your friend overstepped here. The bride-to-be asked for your help but your friend butted in (wonder what the son makes of all of this?) and had her own ideas.
This is what I thought, too. Would you feel comfortable talking to your friend and telling her that the ring isn't the quality that you're sure she'd hope for? Something like, "I hate to say it but I'm worried about the craftmanship of the ring" and then go from there.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
I honestly don't think I'd be hurt. If I felt anything it would probably be pity for the poor girl who now has to wear a crappy ring forever.

It really doesn't sound like their choice to leave you out of the shopping experience had anything to do with their perception of your skills and knowledge, which is why it wouldn't bother me if I were in your shoes. In fact, it probably wouldn't bother me even if they did question my skills and knowledge, because I know what I know, so to hell with the naysayers! :cheeky:

Another issue here might be that your friend's son might be a private person, and maybe sharing details about this large purchase with a friend of his parents made him uncomfortable. Several years ago we learned that my husband's first cousin was mad at us because we didn't choose to use him as our real estate agent when we bought our house. I was shocked to learn that, because I would *never* be comfortable discussing details about such a large purchase with him. Maybe your friend's son is equally private.
 

merilenda

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 20, 2010
Messages
816
Haven|1308003376|2945033 said:
I honestly don't think I'd be hurt. If I felt anything it would probably be pity for the poor girl who now has to wear a crappy ring forever.

It really doesn't sound like their choice to leave you out of the shopping experience had anything to do with their perception of your skills and knowledge, which is why it wouldn't bother me if I were in your shoes. In fact, it probably wouldn't bother me even if they did question my skills and knowledge, because I know what I know, so to hell with the naysayers! :cheeky:

Another issue here might be that your friend's son might be a private person, and maybe sharing details about this large purchase with a friend of his parents made him uncomfortable. Several years ago we learned that my husband's first cousin was mad at us because we didn't choose to use him as our real estate agent when we bought our house. I was shocked to learn that, because I would *never* be comfortable discussing details about such a large purchase with him. Maybe your friend's son is equally private.
That's a good thought, Haven! It always complicates things when you start mixing business/financial stuff with personal stuff. I'm not saying this is the same situation AT ALL, but what you said reminds me of my friend who is currently in the process of buying a house. A mutual friend/colleague of ours told her that she and her husband just had to use his good friend as their real estate agent. Well, they did, and the guy has been absolutely awful. Takes him days and even weeks to return a phone call. He took them to view a house, they asked the age of the house, and he just said "oh, I don't know." They had to look it up online.

Any other situation, and they'd get a new agent, but they feel like they can't because of the personal relationship connection.
 

Imdanny

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2008
Messages
6,186
I hate to sound cruel but they cut their noses off to spite their faces. Their loss. They'll have to live with this monstrosity. They probably overpaid for it since rings of that description are often overpriced. So dumb on their part. Dumb!
 

luv2sparkle

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 3, 2008
Messages
7,741
Try not to be hurt Jewelerman, they were dumb dumb dumb. At first when I read this I thought it was the girl who chose, but
frankly your friend should have known better. But the DIL should have at least tried to do some research. I would probably
be a little hurt, but it is not a reflection on you but just how dumb your friend truly is. After all, she had your help readily available
and chose to blow it off. They should have had a girls day out getting pedi's not diamonds.
 

Circe

Ideal_Rock
Trade
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Apr 26, 2007
Messages
8,087
I wouldn't be hurt by the fact that my friend/friend's son got the ring elsewhere. I would be hurt if my friend didn't give me a heads-up before I actually saw the ring, though, just because I don't like to have surprises sprung on me, and if I was expecting it and looking forward to it, I'd probably be a little crestfallen to have the anticipation yanked out from under me.

That said, something here sounds dysfunctional to me. Look, I love my MIL. I think she's awesome. However, if shopping for my engagement ring turned into a girls day out, it would either imply, a) an Oedipal complex of gargantuan proportions, or, b) an illicit love affair with the mother-in-law. Where the heck was the groom-to-be in all this?

I think either somebody's leaving something out of the telling (the son-in-law wanted privacy, as Haven speculates, perhaps), and your friend is trying to spare your feelings, or your friend is getting a leetle too involved in her son's love life ....
 

Italiahaircolor

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Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
I guess I look at things a little differently.

I could see how you feel snubbed. How they handled disinviting you, or excluding you, was pretty lame. You were very, very generous to even offer your time and skill, and it's ultimately their loss for not taking you up on it. You have a right to feel however you want to feel about this...

...However...

If she likes the ring, then you can only be happy for her. So what if it's "ugly" by some standards, or not your cup of tea...if it makes her feel good and proud, then that's all that matters really. Actually, we see it all the time on this board...girls who pop in to show off their engagement rings...not every single one is perfect or amazing, but they love it, so we support and congratulate them. There are people who think lower color stones are undesirable and there are those who adore them, and there are people who will forsake clarity for size, there are people who opt for only the tiniest chip because it's flawless and colorless, and there are people who overpay for a brand name. Engagement rings come in all shapes and sizes for a reason.

At the end of the day all an engagement ring is, is the personification of their love...whats flawed and funky to you, is priceless and perfect to her. Try not to dwell on the hurt you feel right now and try to focus that same energy into remembering that this ring is starting their lives together.
 

Miss Sparkly

Brilliant_Rock
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Jan 2, 2010
Messages
1,664
Well said Italia! I would at least voice concerns about the sizing. My good friend has this happen (before my ps days) and it has been nothing but issues for her.
 

Hudson_Hawk

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Messages
10,541
I would probably feel bothered by the situation but I wouldn't say anything about that to your friends. However, if you feel something is fishy, like perhaps they were taken advantage of, then you should speak up and say so. Even if the girl likes the ring and it's what she wants, there's a real problem with the sizing as you stated and that's concerning.
 

JewelFreak

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 3, 2009
Messages
7,768
Yeah, Jewelerman, I'd be hurt too -- more from the cavalier attitude toward your lovely & generous offer of time & expertise. When I read that sentence I thought, "Eeuw, big job, trying to teach a bride about gems when she's got her head in the clouds."

If they had realized how much it meant to you, I doubt they would have been so thoughtless. People get all wound up in themselves at wedding time & I'll bet it never occurred to them that you'd be unhappy & not relieved to be off the hook. Obviously the quality of a ring means nothing to this bride or her MIL -- so they can't conceive how much it does matter to folks like us.

You will doubtless have the satisfaction eventually of displaying gentle compassion as you say regretfully, "I'm so sorry you've had trouble with the ring. I wish I could have helped you avoid it."
 

texaskj

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Joined
Aug 31, 2010
Messages
1,196
I would feel sorry for the bride-to-be for getting such a crappy ring and for having such a meddlesome future MIL.
I wonder if she'll have the guts to ask you for any favors in the future?
 

tyty333

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Dec 17, 2008
Messages
22,044
Let it go jewelryman...she did what she wanted and look what she has to show for it. Instead of wanting a quality stone/ring at a
good price she preferred a "girls day" of shopping. So she had one day of fun but has maybe a whole lifetime to wear that
"quality" ring. Is she young by any chance? I feel sorry for her and in time she will see the err of her ways. :((
 

maplefemme

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May 12, 2011
Messages
874
That would be something that would hurt my feelings, yes :blackeye:
If the bride got bullied into this by the future MIL then that's really selfish of her, this isn't about "her". If the bride really loves the ring I'd just let it go, it's tough because you know so much and really wanted to help her, I know.
If the ring does start having problems, and it's mentioned to you to see your thoughts, then I'd give them your full opinion on the ring.
I think being a good friend isn't always about telling them what they want to hear...
 

diamondseeker2006

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Jan 11, 2006
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Yes, I am sure I would feel a little insulted. But I would feel sick for the girl who got a terrible quality ring. Just let it start falling apart and when they come for your advice, tell them you are really sorry but you had hoped to help them avoid a poor quality ring but since they did not take advantage of your help, they should go back to the place they bought it and ask them to fix it.

I am sure this kind of purchase happens everyday, but this case is worse because they did have the chance of getting some expert advice to help them get a good ring!
 

movie zombie

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Jan 20, 2005
Messages
11,879
i'd let it go, too. i wouldn't be hurt but i'd question how smart my friends were......or how much they really valued me as a friend given how it played out. but i'd move on from it.

i also think that if handed the ring to "evaluate" i'd have declined saying it was none of my business, congratulations on your engagement and i'm glad you found the ring you wanted.

and then when the ring falls apart or the bride figures out she's been had, i would NOT volunteer to clean up the mess nor would i do it if asked. why? its a mess. they made their decision...they live with the consequences. not up to you to make it alright. i would, however, offer to help find a replacement...whether that be now or for an anniversary. it is up to them to take you up on the offer and if they don't, they don't.

MoZo

ps sometimes taking a step back and not mixing business with friendship/family/pleasure is necessary.
 

VRBeauty

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10,267
I can certainly understand why you would feel let down and hurt - I'm sure I would too if I had been in your shoes.

From what you've told us however, this has nothing to do with you. Whether we're dealing with a pushy future MIL (pity the poor bride and groom!) or insecurities or privacy concerns on the part of the bride and groom, this has nothing to do with you.

I'm very sorry that the bride and groom didn't take you up on your kind offer!
 

kenny

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Apr 30, 2005
Messages
28,682
I don't think I'd be "hurt".
Annoyed and unappreciated perhaps.

After what happened I'd just wash my hands of it.
They got what they got.
Not your fault; not your problem.

But it IS sad. :nono:
Hopefully they will remain ignorant that they overpaid for junk, just as with most diamond rings.
Oh well!
 

dreamer_dachsie

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Dec 16, 2007
Messages
24,364
Yes, it would hurt my feelings. I doubt it was intentional; most likely they were not thinking of you and your feelings at all. People are generally fairly myopic in their ability to perspective take. And like most people, they clearly don't know how complex the diamond world actually is. But feelings are feelings. I hope you can get over it! I am sure they love you and did not mean to hurt you.
 

AGBF

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Jan 26, 2003
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I am so sorry this happened to you, jewelerman! You didn't deserve it! I would have been hurt, too. I would have felt very bad if a friend I had agreed to help suddenly excluded me from something I had only agreed to do in order to be of assistance in the first place!

As everyone has said, it is the loss of the bride. That doesn't mean I wouldn't feel hurt, however. Please take comfort from knowing that all of us who know how to value your skills would never, ever leave you behind if we could take you on a shopping trip! Not EVER!!!!!!!

Many hugs,
Deb
:read:

Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend
 

iLander

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May 23, 2010
Messages
6,731
Here's what my hubby says to me when the kids upset me

"They're young, what do they know? Nothing!"

It's true. You can't take this stuff personally. They're just kids. :rolleyes:
 

MichelleCarmen

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Feb 8, 2003
Messages
15,880
Circe|1308005225|2945069 said:
I wouldn't be hurt by the fact that my friend/friend's son got the ring elsewhere. I would be hurt if my friend didn't give me a heads-up before I actually saw the ring, though, just because I don't like to have surprises sprung on me, and if I was expecting it and looking forward to it, I'd probably be a little crestfallen to have the anticipation yanked out from under me.

That said, something here sounds dysfunctional to me. Look, I love my MIL. I think she's awesome. However, if shopping for my engagement ring turned into a girls day out[/i], it would either imply, a) an Oedipal complex of gargantuan proportions, or, b) an illicit love affair with the mother-in-law. Where the heck was the groom-to-be in all this?
I think either somebody's leaving something out of the telling (the son-in-law wanted privacy, as Haven speculates, perhaps), and your friend is trying to spare your feelings, or your friend is getting a leetle too involved in her son's love life ....


Totally. Girls-day-out is going getting nails done and possibly light shopping, not getting an eng. ring! Kind of weird. Another reason to not be hurt over it all. If the future husband wasn't there, then there is something else going on! I can't imagine going ring shopping with my MIL! hahaha
 
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