Would you ever propose to him?

[zilaras]

Since I am new here...this might have been discussed before.

Howecer, I was curious if any of you would consider proposing to your SO instead of waiting for him.

 

[MissErin]

I believe it has been brought up before but why not talk about it again.

I personally would not just because I am somewhat classic in my way of thinking - especially about this. But I know there are girls on here that would propose to their SO.

What about you??

 

[ringster]

first of all, have you both discussed marriage? are you both on the same page? i would make sure - whether he or you propose - that you both agree on what your future plans are. these plans should involve your goals together as a couple and how they mesh with each of your personal goals.

while you are in this discussion, you can bring up the topic of proposal and how he feels about who proposes.

i think you will find that a lot of guys would not feel right if they did not do the proposal so even if your guy is not that traditional - when it comes to engagement, wedding, marriage issues, he may have traditional ideas. that is why it is important to discuss this and not assume anything or do something solo when it really is a decision to be made by two people.

i was suprised when my FI wanted to do a lot of things more traditionally when we were discussing the whole engagement "process". for instance, i thought he wouldn''t mind announcing an engagement without the ring but he did mind a lot! i think it is the one thing about the whole wedding that they feel is their responsibility - sort of a rite of passage - and i think they take a lot of pride in it.

so - i would say in response to your question - maybe, depends on the couple. in my situation, after discussing this with my FI we decided that he would propose to me because it was important for him to do it that way.

 

[chocolatefudge]

I wouldn''t because my SO has expresseed that he would not like this! I was quite surprised by how traditional he felt because we were discussing it at a time when he was not ready for marriage.

I also think that I may not want to do it as I''ve always wondered how I would feel the day my man gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him....... I don''t think I would want to miss that moment.

BUT I understand if other women want to do it and see nothing wrong with it, I think it depends on the couple.

 

[KatM]

in general i''m not opposed to the idea, but i wouldn''t propose in this case because he''s the one who isn''t ready (and won''t be for quite some time). i think the person who takes the longest to be ready should do the proposing.

 

[honey22]

I think that if you are sure you are both on the same page and you think he wouldn''t mind (read: have his fragile male ego bruised), then if it feels right why not. Although personally I wouldn''t as I know he would want to follow tradition and ask the question. I have read other posts by men that are horrified at the thought of being asked though, I think some men really see it as ''their job''.

 

[FrekeChild]

Mine has said that he wouldn''t mind, but he wouldn''t want me to. He says its the last real big surprise he''ll be able to give me, and he wants to make it memorable. Personally I think it would be awesome to be proposed to/ propose to him on the Blue Man Group''s LCD screens before the show, because that would be a huge surprise and it has a lot of sentimentality attached to it for us...

But I won''t propose to him. It means too much to him, and I think to me. Plus, I want that surprise!!!

 

[sunnyd]

I think my BF would feel like I was stealing something from him if I proposed to him. He told me he wanted to do the ring thing himself, but after seeing how picky I am, and how excited I was at picking it out together, he released some control of that aspect. But I can''t wait to see his face when he proposes, or hear what he has to say when asking me to be his wife....ahhhhh can you tell I''m excited?!?!

 

[musey]

Date: 1/12/2008 10:19:56 PM
Author:zilaras
Since I am new here...this might have been discussed before.

This forum is 6+ years old, pretty much everything we bring up has been discussed before

One wise PSer (and I still can''t remember who specifically, since different people reference it all the time) said that every time you tell your boyfriend that he is the one, or you are ready, etc... you are essentially proposing to him. His proposal (or lack of) is simply the reply... though we tend to give our guys more "time to think about it" than they would ever give us

Anyway, if you agree with that idea, then I proposed to FI lots of times! Otherwise, no... it was something that he so wanted to do that I wouldn''t have wanted to take that away from him.

 

[Po10472]

I proposed to him.

We were both on exactly the same page, something which is vital. We had both been in previous long-term relationships and when we met we just knew that it was right, that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We were both in our 30''s and just bought a house together, the future was already being written. I decided that I didn''t want to ''wait'' on the proposal and took the decision into my own hands and asked him. Turns out I beat him to it by 2 months as he had planned to ask me exactly 2 months later, a year after we started going out. We got engaged 10 months into our relationship.

He is a very romantic, traditional guy but he knows that if I want something, I go for it, that I am an independent spirit and was suprised by my proposal but not shocked. I have asked him about me proposing and if he feels like he missed out on asking me and he says not in the slightest. He loved it, was honoured and happy at getting married which was the ultimate ending. I made it very romantic and planned it all out and was nervous as hell but it was amazing and one of the happiest days of my life and I wouldn''t change it.

I can totally understand couples wanting to keep it very traditional where the boy asks the girl, but its not set in stone and I truely believe you should follow your heart.

 

[Haven]

No, never.

 

[designchica]

I would not propose because even if he said yes, I''d always wonder if deep down it was something he truly wanted and was excited about.

 

[This_Is_Amore]

Date: 1/13/2008 4:40:31 PM
Author: designchica
I would not propose because even if he said yes, I''d always wonder if deep down it was something he truly wanted and was excited about.

Exactly my fear! And on top of that, my BF is surprisingly traditional in his views around a proposal and marriage. I think he would be forever disappointed that he didn''t get the chance to make a huge romantic gesture for me.

 

[misscuppycake]

I think I''m a bit too traditional to propose. I also think my boyfriend would rather do it because he''s sort of been brought up with the same mindset. I don''t think there''s anything WRONG with the woman doing the proposal though; if both parties agree on that sort of thing, then it''s great!

 

[Circe]

I think it depends on the girl, the guy, and the circumstances: I proposed to my husband in the heat of the moment, and we''re both thrilled with the results (got married in October). But, neither he nor I is particularly traditional/conventional ... I never dreamed of what my proposal would be like, and the Big Reveal-type proposal isn''t really a part of his culture. Even given all that, though, since I wouldn''t have had the faintest idea of how to go about a more traditional proposal - ring? knee? sky-writing? - if I''d thought about it in advance, it probably would have come down to much the same thing, of one of us telling the other how we felt about the future.

ETA: I went off with the response half-written to run some errands to find that Po10472 had essentially described what I''d been thinking! So, in short, word.

ETA Part II: Thinking about it a little more in light of additional comments, I''m reminded of one of my friend''s reactions: when she heard the details of the engagement, she looked a little pensive. When I asked her what was on her mind, she eventually confessed that if she was in my shoes, she''d forever be wondering about whether it meant that she loved him more than he loved her. I asked her if that meant that every woman out there who''d stuck with the accepted way of doing things loved her husband less then he loved her ... after thinking about it for a bit, she concluded that that was probably unlikely. But it was still her gut reaction ... gender expectations can be so much fun.

 

[rubybeth]

Date: 1/12/2008 10:19:56 PM
Author:zilaras
Since I am new here...this might have been discussed before.


However, I was curious if any of you would consider proposing to your SO instead of waiting for him.

Haha, this made me laugh, because I have asked S countless times "Will you marry me?" but he always says something cute like "It''s my job to ask you!" So much for that!

However, I have an aunt who proposed to my uncle, and that was fine for them. I think if a woman wanted to do this, she would be wise to, much like a man in this situation, feel out whether the man WANTS to be asked and if his answer would be "no" then maybe it would be best to wait for him to ask? I think there are lots of ''nontraditional'' couples these days and the woman proposing could work very well.

 

[bubbly1126]

I''ve thought about it.

But for one, I know BF wants to be the one to do it.

And two, I''ve dreamed about how it would feel to be asked by the love of my life to marry him since I was a young girl. If I actually went ahead and asked him myself, I feel I would always wonder how he would have asked me and how I would have felt at that particular moment.

So to answer your question, nope. I''ll leave that to him!

 

[bee*]

I wouldn''t. D always told me that he wanted to do it and I''m glad that I waited for him to do it.

 

[sandia_rose]

I have thought about it. I''m a huge romantic and get into these sappy gushy moods (especially if I''ve had a few glasses of wine). But with my current boyfriend - no. No no NO.

We often get into conversations about relationship roles. I am a very unconventional thinker/person. He is open-minded and also unconventional in some ways....but also very traditional in others. One of those is marriage. We were watching a TV show once where a girl proposed to a guy, and he made a comment like, "That would not fly with me." So I used that as an opportunity for disussion. He said, "I treat women as equals, so don''t get me wrong here. I just think that a man should be allowed to be a man, and one of those things is that men should be the ones proposing. If a woman proposed to me, I''d say no." So coyly I said, "Even me?" And he said, "Yes. Even you. A proposal is something that is important to a man, and it''s wrong to take that away from him. It''s almost --- what''s the word? -----emasculating."

I didn''t take that as sexist or anything like that. It''s just one of his traditional viewpoints that, while I don''t totally agree with, I respect. Another time, we talked about who does what in a household, and he is the type of man who supports a working woman or a woman who wants to get an education/is working towards a goal, will do laundry and cook, has no problem diapering/caring for children, etc. I did say to him in response, "Well, I can see what you mean. I''m not the princess type, but I would like a well-thought out, over-the-top proposal." He knows where I am coming from on that, too - I didn''t get a proposal from my ex-husband and his ex-wife forced him to propose, so we both have our own viewpoints on the subject, based on past experience.

I think we''re on the same page as far as this subject. I won''t propose to him -- and he knows I''d like a thoughtful proposal. He also knows that I have a timeline of 2 to 2-1/2 years of dating to make a commitment, so that leaves the door wide open for him as far as how and specifically when he chooses to do it.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Date: 1/14/2008 10:57:02 AM
Author: sandia_rose

"...A proposal is something that is important to a man, and it''s wrong to take that away from him. It''s almost --- what''s the word? -----emasculating.''

Sandia_rose my SO feels the same way and I too never though of it as demeaning or sexist. I once asked him what he would say if I proposed to him and he responded much the same way. According to his thought process, the proposal is his one time to really shine and bowl me over with his ideas and his very special way of showing me how much he wants me to be his wife. After a bit of thought I realized how disappointed I would be if he ever took something so meaningful away from me. So, I wait patiently

 

[sred2]

I would NEVER propose because I''m a bit more classic in my thinking.. not that I think it''s wrong for other people. I just know its wrong for me!!! .... Also my BF and I talk about marriage practically everyday and the only reason we''re not engaged yet is because of financial reasons and he has expressed to me how he can''t wait to propose to me when the time comes and he already has ideas in his mind as to how he wants to ask..