Would you be upset?

[Lynnie]

I''ll try to keep this short.

FI has a friend that he grew up with (I''ll call him T). T and his GF had been renting out their upstairs apt to a mutual friend of all of us (I''ll call him J).
To make a long story short, J fell behind in the rent, and after many months of trying to be flexible/cooperative with J, T and his GF evicted J. J ended up moving in with FI''s brother. Now, of course there are hard feelings between T and J. HOWEVER (and this is the F''d up part), T decided to harbor ill feelings toward FI''s brother for helping J out. FI''s brother is our Best Man. FI has had numerous discussions with T about how it''s unfair to be putting himself and his brother in the middle of all this. T has agreed it''s unfair, and that he''s sorry, and made amends with FI, but he hasn''t yet tried to amend the situation with FI''s brother. T & J are pretty much on the out and out now. FI is on friendly terms with everyone, and everyone is invited to the wedding.

So T comes over the other night to hang out with FI while I''m making the invitations. And he tells us that he and his GF will come to the ceremony, but not the reception. He doesn''t want to be in the same room with J, and hasn''t talked to FI''s bro since this whole thing came to a head. He says he knows "everyone will be drinking" and he doesn''t want any drama.

FI is upset. He, J, T and his bro all grew up together. They lived on the same block and everything. Part of me is upset, too, as FI and I have been together almost 10 years, and his friends have become my friends, too. T and his GF met through me (I used to work with her). Obviously, I don''t want any drama at my wedding. But don''t you think grown men should be able to put their personal feelings aside in a situation like this? I totally understand why T is mad at J, but I cannot understand how you can miss the wedding celebration of your life-long friend over some stupid pettyness. I expressed these feelings to T, but he stuck to his guns about not attending the reception. Another part of me understands where T''s coming from, as both T and FI''s bro can have a tendency to be short-tempered when alcohol''s involved. So I told T that if he''s that worried about it, don''t drink at the reception. And he looked at me like I had 10 heads.

I feel bad especially for FI. We both just want our friends there to celebrate with us and have a good time.

Ugh, and they say girls are catty

 

[meresal]

Obviously don''t know the whole story about FI''s brother, and there may be a bunch of stuff that has already happened between them??... but the only person I see here that is starting drama, is T. Probably better that he doesn''t come, if he can''t put this behind him for one night.

 

[newbie124]

I agree that this does seem pretty petty of T, but like meresal said...if he feels this upset about even being in the same room as J, it probably would be best if they didn''t go to the reception so you don''t have to deal with any drama that may come up on your big day! That is, unless of course he IS able to get over his feelings before the wedding and act like a mature grown man.

Have you tried talking to his GF?

 

[Bia]

Sweetie, let them do what they want. You shouldn''t beg them to come to your reception. If they want to be petty, that''s on them. This really has nothing to do with you and your FI, or FI''s brother! You all are innocent bystanders, so just stay out of it. I would tell them it is unfortunate that they aren''t coming to my party, but that you understand it is their decision, and don''t want to get involved.

Sorry your friends are creating drama though...

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Clearly, T is intitled to have whatever feelings towards J he wants to have...

However, I think T is at fault for being overly angry.

Better he not come.

 

[tlh]

You can control how you feel. But you cannot control the feelings or actions of others. Clearly there are some unresolved feelings here. Honestly, I think T is making the best choice, and feel he is being very pro-active in all of this. T and GF obviously care about you and your FI and want to be there for the ceremony... the reason everyone is there!

However, knowing that there is a possibility that there could be drama it is honestly best if one of the parties doesn't attend. I doubt this will be the best man. T is making the best choice... as FI's bro is also short tempered, it would not matter if T stays sober.. if FI's bro is drinking... an issue can still come up.

ETA: Sorry I had issues with my computer. The reason he probably looked at you like you had 10 heads is because he obviously cannot get over this for one day... and it seems like you are missing the point. He REALLY wants to go... but is choosing not to go to the reception because there is a minute possibility that there could be drama, and he doesn't want to be the instigator, or trouble maker. In the law, he would be making a prudent choice.

HUGS! I know you want him there... but I would just let this one slide, and have a nice time at your wedding!!!

"Another part of me understands where T's coming from, as both T and FI's bro can have a tendency to be short-tempered when alcohol's involved. So I told T that if he's that worried about it, don't drink at the reception. And he looked at me like I had 10 heads."

 

[Porridge]

Ugh. Petty drama! You''ve expressed your feelings, let them off. If they want to miss their best friends reception because of it...on their heads be it. They''ll live to regret it. Be glad that there will be no drama at your reception, enjoy all the lovely people there, and don''t think about all this cr@p for one more second. I hope your FI can try to follow the same advice, but I understand he''s probably feeling very let down!

 

[kittybean]

Just let it go--if T. doesn''t think he can handle being at the reception, believe him. You will all have a peaceful, fun, lovely time without him. It will truly be his loss. Look forward to enjoying the reception with all your other guests!

 

[bee*]

T does seem to be the one causing the animosity here (although there could be stuff going on in the background). If he doesn''t think he can control himself then it is probably best that he won''t go, although it is a shame that they can''t act like grownups for your wedding.

 

[Lynnie]

Hey guys, thanks for all your responses!! I know you''re all right in saying to let it go, it''s just hard, yanno? T is one of FI''s closest friends. If our bridal party wasn''t completly comprised of family, I''m sure T would''ve been a groomsman.
I haven''t spoken to T''s GF in about 3 weeks (we were at a wedding of a mutual friend), and at that time neither of them said a word really about our wedding. I was kinda blindsided the other day when T said they wouldn''t attend the reception. I''m not really close with her, I don''t work with her anymore.
But you all are right. It''s probably best they not attend. And they are coming to the ceremony, so that''s cool. The disappointment is still there, but not as strong (that "time heals all wounds" thing, I think). I will enjoy my day, regardless!

Thanks again!

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/12/2009 8:52:52 AM
Author: Lynnie
Hey guys, thanks for all your responses!! I know you're all right in saying to let it go, it's just hard, yanno? T is one of FI's closest friends. If our bridal party wasn't completly comprised of family, I'm sure T would've been a groomsman.
I haven't spoken to T's GF in about 3 weeks (we were at a wedding of a mutual friend), and at that time neither of them said a word really about our wedding. I was kinda blindsided the other day when T said they wouldn't attend the reception. I'm not really close with her, I don't work with her anymore.
But you all are right. It's probably best they not attend. And they are coming to the ceremony, so that's cool. The disappointment is still there, but not as strong (that 'time heals all wounds' thing, I think). I will enjoy my day, regardless!

Thanks again!

Lynnie, I understand where you are coming from... but why aren't you more dissapointed that someone who you thought was a close friend, can't put a petty arguement behind them for one evening?

I would also be upset about a long time friend not making it, but the saying that "Many people's true colors come out while planning a wedding" is so true. I think that this says leaps and bounds about T. Just my .02

ETA: I'm not trying to start anything. I'm sorry if this upsets you. I just hate to see poeple hurting for things that really aren't their fault. You know what I mean?

 

[Lynnie]

Date: 2/12/2009 9:22:55 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 2/12/2009 8:52:52 AM
Author: Lynnie
Hey guys, thanks for all your responses!! I know you''re all right in saying to let it go, it''s just hard, yanno? T is one of FI''s closest friends. If our bridal party wasn''t completly comprised of family, I''m sure T would''ve been a groomsman.
I haven''t spoken to T''s GF in about 3 weeks (we were at a wedding of a mutual friend), and at that time neither of them said a word really about our wedding. I was kinda blindsided the other day when T said they wouldn''t attend the reception. I''m not really close with her, I don''t work with her anymore.
But you all are right. It''s probably best they not attend. And they are coming to the ceremony, so that''s cool. The disappointment is still there, but not as strong (that ''time heals all wounds'' thing, I think). I will enjoy my day, regardless!

Thanks again!

Lynnie, I understand where you are coming from... but why aren''t you more dissapointed that someone who you thought was a close friend, can''t put a petty arguement behind them for one evening?

I would also be upset about a long time friend not making it, but the saying that ''Many people''s true colors come out while planning a wedding'' is so true. I think that this says leaps and bounds about T. Just my .02

Hi meresal.. that''s the whole reason for this post. I am very disappointed in T, and there is no doubt that the friendship will not be the same for a long time, unless they change their minds and decide to come. FI has always been much closer with T than J.
It does say something that they are going to the ceremony, though. They aren''t totally dissing our day. I don''t know. Sometimes, when I think about it, I feel slighted, but sometimes I feel I understand where they''re coming from (I guess I''m wishy-washy like that, and I feel that I''m being too forgiving). I could never hold a grudge for very long.
In any event, I think this is all a bunch of BS high-schoolishness. If the roles were reversed, I''d attend the reception w/out question, and just stay away from that one or two people I have hard feelings for. LOL Like at the FIL''s holiday get-togethers!