Would you attend this wedding?

[Rosebloom]

Definitely don't feel guilty for not attending! I think that is absolutely the right decision in this case. You can't put your kids through the stress of travel unless its really worth it.

I would send a very generous gift. And not expect a thank you.

 

[kenny]

I would send a very generous gift. And not expect a thank you.

Why send any gift, let alone a very expensive one, to someone you expect would not even thank you?

... Talk about making yourself a doormat!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Any chance your DH would consider going himself?

chees--Sharon

 

[JewelFreak]

You know, Sarah, I doubt it would help DH's relationship w/his father if you went. When a family member gets a bee in his bonnet over an issue & one gives in, it usually doesn't change anything. FIL would only tend to be more adamant about the next thing that came along -- and your DH would naturally carry resentment about the sacrifice of time, temper, & expense of the trip, which would start things off wrong. Sounds like he's willing to deal with it if his dad is unhappy about this decision. Maybe it will blow over with FIL in time.

As to a gift, I'm sure you'll do whatever DH wants. If this turns out to be a Big Deal of Family History, they've got their priorities out of whack.

--- Laurie

 

[NonieMarie]

You are lucky that the wedding is far away; it makes for an easy out. I would pick an item off of the registry and have it sent with a card. There is no need to go tit for tat over this, take the high road. As far as your FIL, I think your husband should have sent the email and should handle any flack that your FIL sends your way. Just stick to your guns that the wedding is too far, especially with small children, and leave out all the past & present slights. You will be starting an argument that will go round and round because he will never see your side of it.

 

[yennyfire]

I'm going to keep my response short and sweet. Absolutely. Not.

 

[tyty333]

Thank them for the invite but decline. Do it soon so your FIL can quite bothering you.

Edit...I see you already replyed to FIL. On the gift thing...I would probably just let it slip my mind .

 

[ame]

I have come in and out of this thread like 4 times now debating how to answer this. And each time I come back to "Decline, and send a gift" because I do believe he doesn't really "want" you guys there, and that you were invited because he "had to" invite you. I don't understand the dynamics of that relationship, and you probably don't either, but if there hasn't been any change in it within this time frame, I don't really think there's a relationship to work on.

 

[mrs jam]

Some of the strong reactions here leave me confused. What is so horrible about receiving a wedding invite from a couple that you have little to no interaction with??? Half of the wedding invites I have received are from couples that I don't know very well. Big freaking deal. It's not that difficult to exercise common courtesy, decline nicely, and send a gift. I just don't get all the anger evident here.

Consider yourself lucky then that you have never had to deal with family crap. And fwiw we usually only get invited to the weddings of people we know and like... why do you get invited to so many weddings of people you don't know well?

I think most people have had their share of "family crap," as you so eloquently put it. That doesn't mean one has to perpetuate the so-called "crap" and act like he/she was raised in a barn.

My husband owns a large engineering firm in Houston, and I am a reading specialist on three different elementary and middle school campuses. Not to mention my husband has a rather large extended family. Between the two of us, we receive about a dozen wedding invites a year. It's never once crossed my mind to be rude and not send a gift, even if the bride and/or groom don't inspire the warm fuzzies.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I wouldn't go...not with two toddlers...if you're going to spend money for four to fly and stay in a hotel, I'd make it somewhere FUN like disneyland, not a wedding filled with stress and BS. Who wants to deal with more crap in one's life, you know?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I would not hold past family issues against going to someone's wedding. If you don't go, it will be liking closing the door. They did invite you and they didn't have to.

I'm not saying it will be fun, but that's how I feel about family. You don't get to choose them, but you can try to make the best out of it. If there are ways you can make things easier for yourself, I would do that.

I may have a different view on this because of experiences with my own family, but "family" doesn't mean you're obligated to deal with people that don't care for you. Who benefits from that? And who is keeping score to say "Well, I am about to go be miserable for several days, but hey, it's my job as a family member"? The OP said that the step-brother has not initiated contact her family in the last 14 years. I don't think that anyone, even her DH, is obligated to attend if they don't want to.

Exactly. Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you are obligated to put up with toxic people and nonsense. It's unhealthy and stressful.

 

[mrs jam]

Thanks everyone for the response. In retrospect I guess I should have changed my title to be something like "should I feel guily..." I really have no problem saying no to the wedding based off the fact that even if we liked them/ talked to them all the time- we wouldn't go because of our kids. My issue is really with how adamant my FIL is being about this entire thing. He has another son (DH"s half brother) who can't go because he lives further away then us and also has young kids. FIL doesn't seem to care about that but then again this brother never lived in a house with D.

Anyhow I just put my big girl panties on and emailed my FIL saying we wouldn't be attending as it is just too much with the kiddos and that I hoped he would respect our decision. I guess I will see what happens. When the actual invite comes later this summer I will politely decline and wish them the best on becoming Mr. and Mrs.

Now the real question- do i have to get them a gift? Normally I wouldn't even question this but they didn't get us anything for our wedding. DH told me to buy them something really generic off the registry and call it quits. If anything this entire issue has really put some stress on his already thinning relationship with his father so I think he is being a little if you know what I mean.

Sarah, I would definitely send a gift. It's just a nice thing to do. I understand that the stepbrother didn't give you two a wedding gift, but since you mentioned he was in college at the time, I would have no problem overlooking that breach in etiquette. College guys are not going to be the most thoughtful, or even aware, individuals. Just the fact that you're questioning whether or not to send a gift probably means you might feel badly if you don't.

 

[ChristineRose]

I would go.

I'm not married, but my sister is. Our branch of the family is the "bad" one and we are largely shunned by our relatives, even though we weren't responsible for the things that happened when we were little. My sister invited all the relatives to her wedding, and none of them showed up. It was noted.

Recently a relative from that branch of the family died, and his family, his widow and kids, met my family for the first time. They couldn't figure out why grandma and grandpa and the aunts and uncles weren't talking us. It was pretty stupid. Anyhow if you don't go, don't expect him ever to reach out to you again.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Thanks everyone for the response. In retrospect I guess I should have changed my title to be something like "should I feel guily..." I really have no problem saying no to the wedding based off the fact that even if we liked them/ talked to them all the time- we wouldn't go because of our kids. My issue is really with how adamant my FIL is being about this entire thing. He has another son (DH"s half brother) who can't go because he lives further away then us and also has young kids. FIL doesn't seem to care about that but then again this brother never lived in a house with D.

Anyhow I just put my big girl panties on and emailed my FIL saying we wouldn't be attending as it is just too much with the kiddos and that I hoped he would respect our decision. I guess I will see what happens. When the actual invite comes later this summer I will politely decline and wish them the best on becoming Mr. and Mrs.

Now the real question- do i have to get them a gift? Normally I wouldn't even question this but they didn't get us anything for our wedding. DH told me to buy them something really generic off the registry and call it quits. If anything this entire issue has really put some stress on his already thinning relationship with his father so I think he is being a little if you know what I mean.

Get them a $25 item from their registristry. That way, you're following basic ettiquette, not being entirely rude but also not doing more than expected. I would NOT get them a generous gift. Save that for people you like and have relationships with and who TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT.

 

[Missy]

Some of the strong reactions here leave me confused. What is so horrible about receiving a wedding invite from a couple that you have little to no interaction with??? Half of the wedding invites I have received are from couples that I don't know very well. Big freaking deal. It's not that difficult to exercise common courtesy, decline nicely, and send a gift. I just don't get all the anger evident here.

Consider yourself lucky then that you have never had to deal with family crap. And fwiw we usually only get invited to the weddings of people we know and like... why do you get invited to so many weddings of people you don't know well?

I think most people have had their share of "family crap," as you so eloquently put it. That doesn't mean one has to perpetuate the so-called "crap" and act like he/she was raised in a barn.

My husband owns a large engineering firm in Houston, and I am a reading specialist on three different elementary and middle school campuses. Not to mention my husband has a rather large extended family. Between the two of us, we receive about a dozen wedding invites a year. It's never once crossed my mind to be rude and not send a gift, even if the bride and/or groom don't inspire the warm fuzzies. Hopefully, that adequately answers your bitchy question.

I'm sorry if my use of the word "crap" offended your sensibilities. But I guess you don't mind using the word "bitchy". Hmmm, which word is more offensive I wonder? Or the part about acting as one was "raised in a barn" if they don't send a gift. No one is entitled to or owed a gift.

I was simply responding to your questions in your previous post stating "big freaking deal....common courtesy" etc. I wasn't trying to be "bitchy" as you so eloquently put it. The tone of your first post lead me to explain why some people might have strong feelings about this issue. Seems you can use a lesson or 2 in common courtesy Mrs Jam. Because your comments are neither classy nor elegant. I was just sharing my thoughts with Sarah and don't care for being attacked. I'm sorry if you felt that I was attacking you-that wasn't my intent. Now, I am just defending myself in response to your noxious post.

Sorry to have derailed your thread Sarah...please accept my apologies.

 

[sonnyjane]

I don't think it's "common courtesy" or even necessarily "proper etiquette" to send a gift just because you're invited to a wedding. Many, many times I have received wedding invitations from couples that I may have only spoken to once or twice in the last several years..weddings that are out of state...weddings that I would never be able to attend anyway. On three occasions I've even been invited to the weddings of people I've never even met! The invitations are sure to include links to the site where the couple is registered. To me, in those cases, it feels like gift-grubbing, which in my opinion is JUST as much an example of poor etiquette. I'm not against registering by any means, but I really feel that you should only invite people that you're actually somewhat close to to your wedding!

In this case, I would do as a PP suggested and just get a small item off their registry and be done with it. Then you can pretty much have no guilt about the experience at all.

 

[misskittycat]

I'd probably send a gift. But that's just me. I tend to send gifts to people all the time like that. It would be the nice thing to do.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I don't think it's "common courtesy" or even necessarily "proper etiquette" to send a gift just because you're invited to a wedding. Many, many times I have received wedding invitations from couples that I may have only spoken to once or twice in the last several years..weddings that are out of state...weddings that I would never be able to attend anyway. On three occasions I've even been invited to the weddings of people I've never even met! The invitations are sure to include links to the site where the couple is registered. To me, in those cases, it feels like gift-grubbing, which in my opinion is JUST as much an example of poor etiquette. I'm not against registering by any means, but I really feel that you should only invite people that you're actually somewhat close to to your wedding!

In this case, I would do as a PP suggested and just get a small item off their registry and be done with it. Then you can pretty much have no guilt about the experience at all.

Yeah, I just see the "proper ettiquette" almost as just getting them a small item to sort of complete the deal and move on with the situation without guilt. There are extremes to everything...I once was invited to a reception by a couple who eloped and then hosted their own reception we were invited to via a card which included where they were registered. We showed up at the "reception" and it was just all of us circled around the couple in chairs where they opened gifts. They eloped about a month after we did and they didn't give us anything (nor did we ask for anything or even expect anything), but it was so tacky, that I just gave them a card. lol I was in my 20s at the time. Now, I'd probably not have attended or got them a potato peeler. I guess it depends upon the situation.

I think that the reason Sarah posted is because she probably does feel some sort of small obligation. Just a $25 gift IS FINE. Send it. Move on. I would actually make it as a gift card because then it's simple and doesn't require wrapping or anything.

 

[Missy]

I'd probably send a gift. But that's just me. I tend to send gifts to people all the time like that. It would be the nice thing to do.

I agree. We almost always send gifts when we cannot attend weddings/anniversary parties etc. But these are for people I actually like and respect. So, I guess my answer varies depending on the specific situation because I cannot even think of more than 1 time that we didn't send a gift. It really depends on the specifics of each situation IMO as MC has also posted.

If Sarah's dh feels strongly about sending a gift then they should. I always feel it comes down to the decision of the person who feels more strongly about the situation. However, I see no reason that a gift should be sent given the circumstances. There doesn't appear to be much affection b/w the stepbrother and Sarah's dh.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I'd probably send a gift. But that's just me. I tend to send gifts to people all the time like that. It would be the nice thing to do.

I agree. We almost always send gifts when we cannot attend weddings/anniversary parties etc. But these are for people I actually like and respect. So, I guess my answer varies depending on the specific situation because I cannot even think of more than 1 time that we didn't send a gift. It really depends on the specifics of each situation IMO as MC has also posted.

If Sarah's dh feels strongly about sending a gift then they should. I always feel it comes down to the decision of the person who feels more strongly about the situation. However, I see no reason that a gift should be sent given the circumstances. There doesn't appear to be much affection b/w the stepbrother and Sarah's dh.

There are so many little details to every situation... I'm invited to a shower by someone who has done some nasty stuff to me, but I have to go because it is expected. Normally, I do not do the toxic friend thing, but there is more too it (as in other friends in the circle being exceptionally supportive and I am attending for them, not for the friend)... See, if the shower had been before the nasty stuff, I would have given her a $100 gift, but now she's getting a $20 gift.

 

[Ximena]

We don't know if he doesn't want you there for sure. I would stick to my guns and stay home with my kids but would send a nice gift. People DO change over time you know?

 

[VRBeauty]

I can certainly understand not dragging the whole family to the wedding just to please FIL. Heck, I think having to travel with kids in tow would be a reasonable excuse to not attend even weddings of people you like and whose weddings you'd otherwise attend no questions asked! But I also don't understand why a reasonably capable adult can't attending a wedding alone, even if that includes hanging out at for a while at a reception where he or she doesn't know anyone -- and that's coming from a true introvert. So I'd suggest that your husband go to the wedding solo. He can say hi to his father, make small talk with folks he'll forget the minute he walks away from the table, eat a so-so meal, and leave. There's no rule that says he'd have to stay at the reception till the bitter end.

Or not. I just don't see the cost and difficulty of the whole family attending as being an excuse for your hubby not attending. If he doesn't want to of course that's another matter. But in this case I'm with pregcurious - go on the off-chance that this is a change in course. Or just to please FIL. And yeah, I'd also send a modest gift to wish the new couple well.

I know that sounds like "doormat" stuff, and 10 years ago I would have been in the hell no crowd. But now... meh... being "right" and righteous about these sorts of things just isn't that important.

 

[Autumnovember]

No, I wouldn't go. Too much hassle for someone you guys don't really care for. I personally can't be bothered with going out of my way for people that don't matter much to me. That includes buying gifts for those people too...bad manners or not. I actually think sending 25$ would make you look silly. As for your husband going there solo - still wouldn't go. Honestly, what for? Still seems like a hassle either way.

 

[mary poppins]

I would politely decline and send a gift on the lower price point, neither cheap nor expensive, from the registry.

 

[wordie89]

Sarahbear I think your instinct is right to politely decline and then to honor your DH wishes to send a gift and be done with it. Hopefully this will satisfy FIL but I wouldn't hold breath.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I would not attend in those circumstances, and I have two kids a similar age to yours.

ETA: To me, its hubby's family, he can decide whether or not to send a gift and he can arrange said gift if he does choose to send one, and he can deal with FIL Also, if hubby feels this is important I would also encourage him to go on his own. I set pretty clear bounds about dealing with the good old "family crap"

But I would likely send a simple gift from the registry as a show of politeness and because it is not a big hassel. They made a gesture by inviting us, and I would make a gesture by congratulating them with a pepper mill.

 

[Smith1942]

I agree with pregcurious, and would add that two wrongs don't make a right. Now, if the wedding was close to home then I think you should pile in the car and go. As it involves flights and hotels and toddlers, I think your DH should go on his own. It just sounds so expensive and inconvenient for someoe you are not close to - but that is the reason for some of you to stay home, not to contribute further to the family distance. If none of you go, you should write a beautiful, polite note saying how much you wanted to be there but travelling with the small children is just too much, and send a lovely gift. You haven't seen him in 14 years; maybe he's changed, and anyway you don't say anything terrible about him, that he was an addict or anything, just that the two boys didn't get on. That's hardly surprising; with a step-parent situation children often feel insecure about the new marriage and the other children that come with it, that maybe their own parent will prefer the new kid etc. And they had to share a room, too...all told, that's a tough situation for kids. You might as well take steps to get on better now otherwise it will be Armageddon when FIL dies and there may be inheritance issues/unresolved emotional issues etc. And I know lots of people here are like, "Oh, I have no time for this, no way would I go" etc but in my view that is a very harsh point of view which doesn't really serve anyone involved. If he is awful at the wedding then you'll know you did the right thing anyway. And the FIL doesn't get to decide - he can pressure all he wants, but you're adults.

Edit: Some people have said that they doubt very much that D wants them there. You can't possibly know that. Perhaps he has decided to put the past behind him and get to know his step-brother. Maybe people don't essentially change, but they do mature. Maybe the wedding invitation is a way of reaching out and seeing DH without totally losing face.

 

[bluebirrrd]

Good for you for not going. Please don't feel guilty, whoever said someone else probably made him invite you was probably right. Traveling with children and using your time, energy and money on this just doesn't sound worth it for people you aren't close to and who don't care for you. That said, it would be extremely gracious to send a gift and a card if you can afford it. It will illustrate your manners and maturity about everything that's happened in the past. You certainly don't owe it, but I think it would be a classy touch and nice counterpoint to his rudeness.

 

[Smith1942]

But Bluebirrrd, he invited DH to his wedding, so how is he rude?

He didn't have to invite them, so not to get a gift or to only spend $25 like others have suggested would be really quite mean, in my opinion. The past is gone and it doesn't sound as if anything absolutely terrible transpired anyway, just two kids in a very difficult situation. Whether they go or not has to be their own decision, but to skip the gift or send a cheap one would be to insult and would be continuing the awkward situation.

I speak from experience, in a sort of way. I have an older sister who has always harboured an irrational dislike of me, and it's still there even though she's 41 now. I take the high road. Always have. She has three gorgeous children who I get to see, and basically I just put up with her. It's not hugely pleasant dealing with it that way, but its bearable and has advantages, and is nothing in terms of stress compared to what it would be if I'd busted up that relationship. Parents die, marriages can break up - in a cold world, it's good to have relatives unless they really are truly unbearable, which my sister isn't - I believe she's actually a very miserable person and mainly I just feel sorry for her. We live far apart so I don't have to deal with her that often. Anyway, that's a tangent but I'm just saying that sometimes putting up/taking the high road can bear more fruit than having your fists up all the time.

 

[Niel]

you'd be hard pressed to find a wedding i would go to if it required me traveling with two toddlers. My favorite loving best friend sister? Sure! My rude brother, no thank you! Even if there wasnt a rift between the two of you, id totally understand not wanting to go! Send him something that says "i put as much thought into this present as i do into you" and forget about it. Maybe one of those hooks to hang bananas on? Something really "practical", and engraved so there isnt a return policy

ETA: and to saying "how is it rude", frankly the invite to me seems like a way to get a gift, and the upper hand. He probably knew you wouldnt come, especially to travel and have kids not to mention the fact he slighted you by not including you in the wedding right before inviting you. I think sending any gift would be a classy way to say "im not playing your game but good luck with the rest of your life ", but again, I am one to hold a grudge (we all hae faults, hopefully you are bigger than i am Sarah) so my present would be non refundable and kind of lame.