Would you attend this wedding?

[distracts]

Nah, don't go. Not worth the trouble. I will gladly travel for someone I like, even if it is inconvenient, but if I don't even LIKE the person? Even if it is family? No way. I don't think family counts just because they are related - I think they only count if you actually have a positive familial relationship with them. Tell FIL to take a hike.

And if ten years from now your kids want to know more about those members of the family, THEY can reach out. (I never understand this "for the kids" argument. I also see it in advice columns as "Dear so-and-so, I cut off my sexually abusive father because of obvious reasons, now I have kids and want to know my family's medical history. Should I reach out to him?" EFF NO, MORON, etc. That's an extreme example, but I think it holds out even in less-extreme cases.)

It may be best for him to go by himself. I know people will feel differently about this, but my husband and I have an agreement that we're responsible for managing our own families.

OOH! My DH and I have this rule too and most people think we're crazy but it works for us. Yeah, I think Sarahbear DH could go if he so wishes/wants to make dad happy but no need to put Sarahbear & kids through what will likely be a very awkward and inconvenient event.

We have this rule too. Our couples' counselor has said it's the best way to maintain harmony with the extended families (I had the rule before that, but the fiance wouldn't really listen to it until the counselor agreed, hah).

Some of the strong reactions here leave me confused. What is so horrible about receiving a wedding invite from a couple that you have little to no interaction with??? Half of the wedding invites I have received are from couples that I don't know very well. Big freaking deal. It's not that difficult to exercise common courtesy, decline nicely, and send a gift.

If you have little to no interaction with them but are the kind of people who decline and send a gift, it is entirely possible they knew you'd do that and were counting on the gift. idk, it always strikes me as gift-grabby to invite people you don't know or don't like to an event where gifts are standard. So in this instance I just wouldn't send a gift, even. I do for people I LIKE if I have to decline, but if I am kind of confused as to why I was even invited in the first place, no.

If you decide to send a gift, I'd make it a small one, like $25ish. And I wouldn't expect a thank-you note, not even a year later.

 

[mrs jam]

Some of the strong reactions here leave me confused. What is so horrible about receiving a wedding invite from a couple that you have little to no interaction with??? Half of the wedding invites I have received are from couples that I don't know very well. Big freaking deal. It's not that difficult to exercise common courtesy, decline nicely, and send a gift. I just don't get all the anger evident here.

Consider yourself lucky then that you have never had to deal with family crap. And fwiw we usually only get invited to the weddings of people we know and like... why do you get invited to so many weddings of people you don't know well?

I think most people have had their share of "family crap," as you so eloquently put it. That doesn't mean one has to perpetuate the so-called "crap" and act like he/she was raised in a barn.

My husband owns a large engineering firm in Houston, and I am a reading specialist on three different elementary and middle school campuses. Not to mention my husband has a rather large extended family. Between the two of us, we receive about a dozen wedding invites a year. It's never once crossed my mind to be rude and not send a gift, even if the bride and/or groom don't inspire the warm fuzzies. Hopefully, that adequately answers your bitchy question.

I'm sorry if my use of the word "crap" offended your sensibilities. But I guess you don't mind using the word "bitchy". Hmmm, which word is more offensive I wonder? Or the part about acting as one was "raised in a barn" if they don't send a gift. No one is entitled to or owed a gift.

I was simply responding to your questions in your previous post stating "big freaking deal....common courtesy" etc. I wasn't trying to be "bitchy" as you so eloquently put it. The tone of your first post lead me to explain why some people might have strong feelings about this issue. Seems you can use a lesson or 2 in common courtesy Mrs Jam. Because your comments are neither classy nor elegant. I was just sharing my thoughts with Sarah and don't care for being attacked. I'm sorry if you felt that I was attacking you-that wasn't my intent. Now, I am just defending myself in response to your noxious post.

Sorry to have derailed your thread Sarah...please accept my apologies.

Wow... Easy there, tiger

It's surprising the number of posters who would not send a gift. Whether it's a close relationship or not, it's still a relationship. It's not like it's a next-door neighbor's cousin whom the OP has no connection. Considering that this is wedding of the father's stepson, I think it would appear inconsiderate to not send a gift.

 

[Missy]

Some of the strong reactions here leave me confused. What is so horrible about receiving a wedding invite from a couple that you have little to no interaction with??? Half of the wedding invites I have received are from couples that I don't know very well. Big freaking deal. It's not that difficult to exercise common courtesy, decline nicely, and send a gift. I just don't get all the anger evident here.

Consider yourself lucky then that you have never had to deal with family crap. And fwiw we usually only get invited to the weddings of people we know and like... why do you get invited to so many weddings of people you don't know well?

I think most people have had their share of "family crap," as you so eloquently put it. That doesn't mean one has to perpetuate the so-called "crap" and act like he/she was raised in a barn.

My husband owns a large engineering firm in Houston, and I am a reading specialist on three different elementary and middle school campuses. Not to mention my husband has a rather large extended family. Between the two of us, we receive about a dozen wedding invites a year. It's never once crossed my mind to be rude and not send a gift, even if the bride and/or groom don't inspire the warm fuzzies. Hopefully, that adequately answers your bitchy question.

I'm sorry if my use of the word "crap" offended your sensibilities. But I guess you don't mind using the word "bitchy". Hmmm, which word is more offensive I wonder? Or the part about acting as one was "raised in a barn" if they don't send a gift. No one is entitled to or owed a gift.

I was simply responding to your questions in your previous post stating "big freaking deal....common courtesy" etc. I wasn't trying to be "bitchy" as you so eloquently put it. The tone of your first post lead me to explain why some people might have strong feelings about this issue. Seems you can use a lesson or 2 in common courtesy Mrs Jam. Because your comments are neither classy nor elegant. I was just sharing my thoughts with Sarah and don't care for being attacked. I'm sorry if you felt that I was attacking you-that wasn't my intent. Now, I am just defending myself in response to your noxious post.

Sorry to have derailed your thread Sarah...please accept my apologies.

Wow... Easy there, tiger

It's surprising the number of posters who would not send a gift. Whether it's a close relationship or not, it's still a relationship. It's not like it's a next-door neighbor's cousin whom the OP has no connection. Considering that this is wedding of the father's stepson, I think it would appear inconsiderate to not send a gift.

I prefer Lioness thank you.

Not to continue this disagreement but I will say that I find people who are so concerned with appearances are often the ones who are less concerned with what is really important and care more about how they look to others. Time and experience have freed me from the concern of appearances so much and I focus more on what really matters. I do what I think is right and not how it might or might not appear to others. Different strokes.

 

[Niel]

Some of the strong reactions here leave me confused. What is so horrible about receiving a wedding invite from a couple that you have little to no interaction with??? Half of the wedding invites I have received are from couples that I don't know very well. Big freaking deal. It's not that difficult to exercise common courtesy, decline nicely, and send a gift. I just don't get all the anger evident here.

Consider yourself lucky then that you have never had to deal with family crap. And fwiw we usually only get invited to the weddings of people we know and like... why do you get invited to so many weddings of people you don't know well?

I think most people have had their share of "family crap," as you so eloquently put it. That doesn't mean one has to perpetuate the so-called "crap" and act like he/she was raised in a barn.

My husband owns a large engineering firm in Houston, and I am a reading specialist on three different elementary and middle school campuses. Not to mention my husband has a rather large extended family. Between the two of us, we receive about a dozen wedding invites a year. It's never once crossed my mind to be rude and not send a gift, even if the bride and/or groom don't inspire the warm fuzzies. Hopefully, that adequately answers your bitchy question.

I'm sorry if my use of the word "crap" offended your sensibilities. But I guess you don't mind using the word "bitchy". Hmmm, which word is more offensive I wonder? Or the part about acting as one was "raised in a barn" if they don't send a gift. No one is entitled to or owed a gift.

I was simply responding to your questions in your previous post stating "big freaking deal....common courtesy" etc. I wasn't trying to be "bitchy" as you so eloquently put it. The tone of your first post lead me to explain why some people might have strong feelings about this issue. Seems you can use a lesson or 2 in common courtesy Mrs Jam. Because your comments are neither classy nor elegant. I was just sharing my thoughts with Sarah and don't care for being attacked. I'm sorry if you felt that I was attacking you-that wasn't my intent. Now, I am just defending myself in response to your noxious post.

Sorry to have derailed your thread Sarah...please accept my apologies.

Wow... Easy there, tiger

It's surprising the number of posters who would not send a gift. Whether it's a close relationship or not, it's still a relationship. It's not like it's a next-door neighbor's cousin whom the OP has no connection. Considering that this is wedding of the father's stepson, I think it would appear inconsiderate to not send a gift.

to call it a relationship seems like a stretch. The only reason they are in one is because they were brothers, yes? If they dont like each other, and they wouldnt call themselves even acquaintances if they werent, then thats not really a relationship

But to your point of saying "i get invited to lots" not the same as getting invited to someone you know doesnt like you. They just dont know you and feel its appropriate to invite you because they dont want to offend you. You decline because you arent close. that, to me, is NOT AT ALL the same as Sarahs situation. Her invitation, ill say again, to me was to either get an upper hand in the relationship or to get a gift. She declines and not send a gift, then the BIL now can say to the family "well i reached out and hes the one that didnt want to.".... seems like mind games.

there is a BIG difference between getting an invitation to an event from someone you barely know, and one you actively dislike

 

[luv2sparkle]

I didn't read all the responses, but I just wanted to say that I probably wouldn't go, but I might send a small gift. If there was a genuine
desire for D to reconnect and create some kind of relationship, I would, but it doesn't sound like that is the case. I spent years playing nice with my family and wringing my hands over the fact that they treated me so badly. Now, I wish I hadn't. I would send a gift to signal that there are not any hard feelings but that is about as far as I would go.

The issue to me is not all the stuff that happened in the past, but really what they want in the future. If they are not (or you) interested in any kind of relationship then the whole thing is just for show and in my book that is just a waste of time, effort and money. Just my 2 cents too.

 

[anne_h]

I think it's clear in your original post that you do not want to go. And there's nothing wrong with feeling that way.

So assuming you were formally invited, I'd suggest you politely decline. I do advise sending a card and a small gift, just out of courtesy. I advise avoiding any discussion around why you are not going or any mention of past history.

Good luck!

Anne

 

[heididdl]

Sarabear.....be gracious send a gift Tell father in law Love ya but not going. Call it a day...

 

[SB621]

Thanks for the replies everyone! FIL emailed back....and it was not very nice basically saying we have turned our backs on the family- um yeah I would love to know how as this is NOT OUR FAMILY! We only know my FIL, D, his mom and step sister. We have never met anyone else as we are not blood related. I mean we don't even know stories about them! It is just crazy. Basically I just think FIL is upset because he put down an order and we aren't responding. DH will also not be going alone for 2 big reasons. The first being is that he doesn't like D. And the second is that his job requires him gone often so we get very little family time. If DH is home - even in the country- we try to always be together so we dont' seperate for any reason.

And if anyone wants a laugh I went on D's registry to just check out and see what was on there. Cheapest thing was a DYSON VACUMN!!!!!!!! I could also buy a playstation 3 or a 40inch plasma....are they f@cking serious!!!!!!! Another option was a $700+ all clad set

EDIT: So DH said no to the gift but I think that is only because he is mad at the situation. We WILL give them something because I know how each gift we got at our wedding was wonderful for a couple starting out. I will probably just send a giftcard to BBB and call it a day.

 

[Autumnovember]

Thanks for the replies everyone! FIL emailed back....and it was not very nice basically saying we have turned our backs on the family- um yeah I would love to know how as this is NOT OUR FAMILY! We only know my FIL, D, his mom and step sister. We have never met anyone else as we are not blood related. I mean we don't even know stories about them! It is just crazy. Basically I just think FIL is upset because he put down an order and we aren't responding. DH will also not be going alone for 2 big reasons. The first being is that he doesn't like D. And the second is that his job requires him gone often so we get very little family time. If DH is home - even in the country- we try to always be together so we dont' seperate for any reason.

And if anyone wants a laugh I went on D's registry to just check out and see what was on there. Cheapest thing was a DYSON VACUMN!!!!!!!! I could also buy a playstation 3 or a 40inch plasma....are they f@cking serious!!!!!!! Another option was a $700+ all clad set

EDIT: So DH said no to the gift but I think that is only because he is mad at the situation. We WILL give them something because I know how each gift we got at our wedding was wonderful for a couple starting out. I will probably just send a giftcard to BBB and call it a day.

Sarah, that's perfectly fine and generous of you.

Regarding FIL - he'll have to get over it and move on. Actually, him reacting that way would just solidify my decision not to go.

Sounds like you guys made your decision and you need to just go with what you feel is best.

 

[NOYFB]

Thanks for the replies everyone! FIL emailed back....and it was not very nice basically saying we have turned our backs on the family- um yeah I would love to know how as this is NOT OUR FAMILY! We only know my FIL, D, his mom and step sister. We have never met anyone else as we are not blood related. I mean we don't even know stories about them! It is just crazy. Basically I just think FIL is upset because he put down an order and we aren't responding. DH will also not be going alone for 2 big reasons. The first being is that he doesn't like D. And the second is that his job requires him gone often so we get very little family time. If DH is home - even in the country- we try to always be together so we dont' seperate for any reason.

And if anyone wants a laugh I went on D's registry to just check out and see what was on there. Cheapest thing was a DYSON VACUMN!!!!!!!! I could also buy a playstation 3 or a 40inch plasma....are they f@cking serious!!!!!!! Another option was a $700+ all clad set

EDIT: So DH said no to the gift but I think that is only because he is mad at the situation. We WILL give them something because I know how each gift we got at our wedding was wonderful for a couple starting out. I will probably just send a giftcard to BBB and call it a day.

Sarah, that's perfectly fine and generous of you.

Regarding FIL - he'll have to get over it and move on. Actually, him reacting that way would just solidify my decision not to go.

Sounds like you guys made your decision and you need to just go with what you feel is best.

^ This. I couldn't have said it better.

 

[kenny]

Sheesh! Some family members can really suck.
They think they have power to control you.
People in families can treat each other worse than strangers.

I'd put that guys email address in the spam bucket and block his phone #.

 

[Polished]

We WILL give them something

Perhaps give them all (FIL included) some space - tickets for a rocket ride and send it up.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I would not automatically assume that the invitation was sent with ill intent - whether to have the upper hand or to slight someone.

Most of us on this forum have gone through planning a wedding, making a guest list, dealing with large extended families, and all the other details; a family acquaintance, even one where the relationship had drama, doesn't really command major brain space if the drama was that long ago. I think it is most likely that the couple has given very little thought to this particular situation and imagine the conversation went something like this...

Bride: I need your final family list. Your mom and stepdad sent this over, does everything look alright?

Groom: Yeah, that looks fine. I didn't get along with xxxx, and zzzz never even lived with us. We were never that close with our stepbrothers. Should we invite them? I haven't seen them in years - I think they have kids now?

Bride: It's up to you. We have the space. Maybe it's the nice thing to do. Did they invite you to their weddings?

Groom: Yeah, I was in college and didn't go.

Bride: Well if your stepdad wants them there, then let's invite them. They probably won't come since they have kids, but maybe they will.


If it were me, I'd send a small gift from the registry and a note of best wishes. It never hurts to be kind, and if the gift is not well received, then their negativity is their own business.

 

[SB621]

Some of the strong reactions here leave me confused. What is so horrible about receiving a wedding invite from a couple that you have little to no interaction with??? Half of the wedding invites I have received are from couples that I don't know very well. Big freaking deal. It's not that difficult to exercise common courtesy, decline nicely, and send a gift. I just don't get all the anger evident here.

Consider yourself lucky then that you have never had to deal with family crap. And fwiw we usually only get invited to the weddings of people we know and like... why do you get invited to so many weddings of people you don't know well?

I think most people have had their share of "family crap," as you so eloquently put it. That doesn't mean one has to perpetuate the so-called "crap" and act like he/she was raised in a barn.

My husband owns a large engineering firm in Houston, and I am a reading specialist on three different elementary and middle school campuses. Not to mention my husband has a rather large extended family. Between the two of us, we receive about a dozen wedding invites a year. It's never once crossed my mind to be rude and not send a gift, even if the bride and/or groom don't inspire the warm fuzzies. Hopefully, that adequately answers your bitchy question.

I'm sorry if my use of the word "crap" offended your sensibilities. But I guess you don't mind using the word "bitchy". Hmmm, which word is more offensive I wonder? Or the part about acting as one was "raised in a barn" if they don't send a gift. No one is entitled to or owed a gift.

I was simply responding to your questions in your previous post stating "big freaking deal....common courtesy" etc. I wasn't trying to be "bitchy" as you so eloquently put it. The tone of your first post lead me to explain why some people might have strong feelings about this issue. Seems you can use a lesson or 2 in common courtesy Mrs Jam. Because your comments are neither classy nor elegant. I was just sharing my thoughts with Sarah and don't care for being attacked. I'm sorry if you felt that I was attacking you-that wasn't my intent. Now, I am just defending myself in response to your noxious post.

Sorry to have derailed your thread Sarah...please accept my apologies.

Wow... Easy there, tiger

It's surprising the number of posters who would not send a gift. Whether it's a close relationship or not, it's still a relationship. It's not like it's a next-door neighbor's cousin whom the OP has no connection. Considering that this is wedding of the father's stepson, I think it would appear inconsiderate to not send a gift.

I prefer Lioness thank you.

Not to continue this disagreement but I will say that I find people who are so concerned with appearances are often the ones who are less concerned with what is really important and care more about how they look to others. Time and experience have freed me from the concern of appearances so much and I focus more on what really matters. I do what I think is right and not how it might or might not appear to others. Different strokes.

No worries Missy! I 100% agree with everything you said. It is nothing but family crap as far as I'm concerned.

 

[ChristineRose]

Or, it could be something like this.

D: I have always felt bad that DH and I never got along. Partly it was because we were kids, but partly it was because of all the family stuff. I didn't fully comprehend it all then, and of course we both "took sides." I would like to invite him to the wedding, but I am afraid he'll think I am just trying to be polite.

Bride: By all means invite DH! I would love to meet him. Wouldn't it be great if we could move on and be close to him from now on? He has small children doesn't he? Maybe someday his children and ours will be friends. After all, this is about beginning your new family, not your parent's family, and you don't have to let your parent's problems get in your way.

D: But what if he thinks I am just trying to get an expensive gift or something? After all we've been through, I don't think he has a great opinion of me.

Bride: Why don't you drop a hint to FIL that you are sincere and really, really want DH and his family to come?

Okay, that imaginary scenario is so cheesy that you could drown a box of macaroni in it. But I am really amazed that the majority of commentators on here are insisting that D has the worst possible motives because he didn't put enough inexpensive gifts on his registry.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Thanks for the replies everyone! FIL emailed back....and it was not very nice basically saying we have turned our backs on the family- um yeah I would love to know how as this is NOT OUR FAMILY! We only know my FIL, D, his mom and step sister. We have never met anyone else as we are not blood related. I mean we don't even know stories about them! It is just crazy. Basically I just think FIL is upset because he put down an order and we aren't responding. DH will also not be going alone for 2 big reasons. The first being is that he doesn't like D. And the second is that his job requires him gone often so we get very little family time. If DH is home - even in the country- we try to always be together so we dont' seperate for any reason.

And if anyone wants a laugh I went on D's registry to just check out and see what was on there. Cheapest thing was a DYSON VACUMN!!!!!!!! I could also buy a playstation 3 or a 40inch plasma....are they f@cking serious!!!!!!! Another option was a $700+ all clad set

a gi

That is ridiculous! Send them a gift card to a vaccum repair place b/c when their Dyson decides to act up in a couple years, it's going to cost $$$ to fix it or replace to broken part. hahaha

 

[Smith1942]

We WILL give them something

Perhaps give them all (FIL included) some space - tickets for a rocket ride and send it up.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Family can be such jerks!