Would you attend this wedding?

[SB621]

My DH has a step brother, D, that is just a few years younger then him. They shared a room growing up but apparently truly disliked each other. The last 14+ years (college and then married life for us) we haven't really seen him. When we do he doesn't have much to say to us etc . Seen him maybe 3-4 times if that in 10 years. You can tell they just don't care for each other. Anyhow D just got engaged and is getting married in September. The ENTIRE wedding party is his sister and other step brothers/ step sisters (through his mom's other marriage no relation to DH). Even their wives/ husbands are in the wedding party. Litterally DH is the only person who is a sibling who is not in it. Really we know it was meant as an insult (he has done other things like this making us feel excluded- really not a big deal to us), which we don't care about. We are honestly fine with not being included because I think it would have been much more awkward to be involved further.
My problem is should we even go to the wedding? It is not close for us to attend. We would have to buy tickets for my family of 4 to fly there and get a hotel (with 2 toddlers always fun ). It is not in an area that we could extend our stay and make this a family trip either. Finally not to go tit for tat but "D" didn't even aknowledge our wedding. He did not come or even send a card with congratulations. A part of this might be he was still in college and didn't realize the ettiquette of at least wishing us congratulations. our wedding was a less then 4 hour car drive for him btw!

Regardless DH's father is insisting we go, but we are being pretty ardent that this situation is just difficult for us especially with the children. The wedding is a rather long service and the reception starts after our kids bedtime. I would have to go back to the hotel to put the kids down and then DH is left at the wedding by himself. Dh does not have a strong point with socializing so this has zero appeal to him if I'm not there to carry the conversation. Regardless my FIL thinks we are being very selfish and really coming down on my DH. Am I crazy because I think "D" would understand and truly not care either way if we showed up or not. He has never contacted us in the last 14 years except for his save the date- thoughts?

EDIT: And to just add my FIL and DH do not have a close relationship at all. We are much closer with his mom and her side of the family. So this is very alien to us and we won't know anyone else at the wedding.

 

[sonnyjane]

My honest first instinct would be to politely decline and send a gift. With each passing year, I'm learning more and more that life is too short to go through so much inconvenience and expense just to keep up appearances or please others.

 

[SB621]

My honest first instinct would be to politely decline and send a gift. With each passing year, I'm learning more and more that life is too short to go through so much inconvenience and expense just to keep up appearances or please others.

This is exactly how I feel with why FIL's wants us to attend. He just wants to keep up his appearance and have his portion of the family represented. It makes me so angry because he is the one calling us selfish over everything.

 

[rosetta]

No freaking way. And I'd be giving FIL a piece of my mind by now.

I do not play family politics and I've drawn by battle lines very early on in my marriage.

Recently, we did not attend my SIL's wedding overseas, as she married a jerk.

Very recently, we didn't attend my cousin's 2nd wedding because he's a drug addicted jerk.

I don't even agonise over this stuff anymore.

 

[iLander]

Honestly, I think I would go. It's not just for your generation, it's so your kids can meet members of their extended family. And you can meet the new bride. If you look long term, do you think you will have any kind of relationship with D? Now that everyone is mature and adult? Life is a REALLY long time, think beyond the short term inconvenience and look at the big picture, does that change your view at all? Ten years from now, are your kids going to want to know more about that side of the family? Ignore FIL, you need to make up your own mind.

If you decide not to go, I'd send a gift and a video of you guys offering congratulations (and shows your kids).

 

[SB621]

Honestly, I think I would go. It's not just for your generation, it's so your kids can meet members of their extended family. And you can meet the new bride. If you look long term, do you think you will have any kind of relationship with D? Now that everyone is mature and adult? Life is a REALLY long time, think beyond the short term inconvenience and look at the big picture, does that change your view at all? Ten years from now, are your kids going to want to know more about that side of the family? Ignore FIL, you need to make up your own mind.

If you decide not to go, I'd send a gift and a video of you guys offering congratulations (and shows your kids).

No one at the wedding besides FIL will be blood related to us. I think I would be more interested in going if there were ppl my kids were related too. And the answer is no- we have no plans on any kind of relationship with them. We will always be nice but we won't be reaching out.

 

[House Cat]

My honest first instinct would be to politely decline and send a gift. With each passing year, I'm learning more and more that life is too short to go through so much inconvenience and expense just to keep up appearances or please others.

This.

 

[marymm]

My honest first instinct would be to politely decline and send a gift. With each passing year, I'm learning more and more that life is too short to go through so much inconvenience and expense just to keep up appearances or please others.

This.

Mail out your Regrets card. Your DH can tell his father your family sends its best wishes to the happy couple but will not be attending the wedding. Closer to the wedding, mail a lovely card (and gift should you decide it appropriate).

 

[iLander]

Honestly, I think I would go. It's not just for your generation, it's so your kids can meet members of their extended family. And you can meet the new bride. If you look long term, do you think you will have any kind of relationship with D? Now that everyone is mature and adult? Life is a REALLY long time, think beyond the short term inconvenience and look at the big picture, does that change your view at all? Ten years from now, are your kids going to want to know more about that side of the family? Ignore FIL, you need to make up your own mind.

If you decide not to go, I'd send a gift and a video of you guys offering congratulations (and shows your kids).

No one at the wedding besides FIL will be blood related to us. I think I would be more interested in going if there were ppl my kids were related too. And the answer is no- we have no plans on any kind of relationship with them. We will always be nice but we won't be reaching out.

Oh, well, the heck with that then! Just send a gift, maybe a 2 minute video on a CD. I suspect he sent the invite because FIL told him to.

 

[pregcurious]

I would not hold past family issues against going to someone's wedding. If you don't go, it will be liking closing the door. They did invite you and they didn't have to.

I'm not saying it will be fun, but that's how I feel about family. You don't get to choose them, but you can try to make the best out of it. If there are ways you can make things easier for yourself, I would do that.

Also, this is DH's family, so he is ultimately responsible for deciding. It may be best for him to go by himself. I know people will feel differently about this, but my husband and I have an agreement that we're responsible for managing our own families. If part of the issue is dragging the kids or cost, then he can go to a wedding by himself, and I'll stay at home.

 

[rubyshoes]

No, I would not go.

 

[iheartscience]

This is the easiest question ever to answer. NOPE, no way would I go. If it was in town, maybe, but flying with 2 toddlers to go to a wedding of someone you're not close to AT ALL? Sorry, FIL!

Tell him if he wants to pay for your flights and hotel you'll consider it. If you actually will, I mean. If not, just stick with a polite and firm NOPE.

 

[rubyshoes]

It may be best for him to go by himself. I know people will feel differently about this, but my husband and I have an agreement that we're responsible for managing our own families.

OOH! My DH and I have this rule too and most people think we're crazy but it works for us. Yeah, I think Sarahbear DH could go if he so wishes/wants to make dad happy but no need to put Sarahbear & kids through what will likely be a very awkward and inconvenient event.

 

[sonnyjane]

I would not hold past family issues against going to someone's wedding. If you don't go, it will be liking closing the door. They did invite you and they didn't have to.

I'm not saying it will be fun, but that's how I feel about family. You don't get to choose them, but you can try to make the best out of it. If there are ways you can make things easier for yourself, I would do that.

I may have a different view on this because of experiences with my own family, but "family" doesn't mean you're obligated to deal with people that don't care for you. Who benefits from that? And who is keeping score to say "Well, I am about to go be miserable for several days, but hey, it's my job as a family member"? The OP said that the step-brother has not initiated contact her family in the last 14 years. I don't think that anyone, even her DH, is obligated to attend if they don't want to.

 

[VapidLapid]

I would not go

I would send as big a book by Emily Post as I could find as a wedding gift.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I think Sonnyjane nailed it. I would send a card and a gift. Really, I doubt the wedding couple will even care. Send the regret card and follow with gift. Thats perfectly acceptable manners.


Annette

 

[mrs jam]

The groom-to-be probably invited your family out of politeness and respect for his stepfather. Return his polite gesture by gracefully declining and sending a gift.

 

[JaneSmith]

This seems to me to be all about FIL. I seriously doubt that D wants you there. Send regrets to D, and a nice card with or without smallish gift for the wedding. Write a polite succinct letter to FIL with your reasons for declining.
Spend saved hotel and airfare on bling.


I loathe family BS. Good luck.

 

[pregcurious]

I would not hold past family issues against going to someone's wedding. If you don't go, it will be liking closing the door. They did invite you and they didn't have to.

I'm not saying it will be fun, but that's how I feel about family. You don't get to choose them, but you can try to make the best out of it. If there are ways you can make things easier for yourself, I would do that.

I may have a different view on this because of experiences with my own family, but "family" doesn't mean you're obligated to deal with people that don't care for you. Who benefits from that? And who is keeping score to say "Well, I am about to go be miserable for several days, but hey, it's my job as a family member"? The OP said that the step-brother has not initiated contact her family in the last 14 years. I don't think that anyone, even her DH, is obligated to attend if they don't want to.

I think my family is just as dysfunctional as everyone else's, but if someone has not contacted you for 14 years, and does all of a sudden, I would give them credit for contacting me. If people have had no contact for 14 years, it goes both ways. Like I said, I don't think it will be fun, but it's up to people to decide if you'll give someone another chance. If you don't, that's fine, and you have every reason to not give another chance after 14 years. I personally am not like that, and have a happier life for it. I was able to mend relationships with people before they died, and I've never regretted it for one second. Did those people deserve my effort? I guess not by some people's standards, but I am glad I did it, and I got something out of it too.

People should do what they want, but it includes realizing you're turning down an invitation which did not have to be given. You're now contributing the "problem" if you believe that no contact is a problem. If you own up to it and have no issues, that's great. Might the wedding be horrible and just as expected? Absolutely. It's the risk one takes when one gives someone another chance.

Expect the worst, hope for the best. That's my 2 cents. I only gave my opinion because it was asked for. I don't know any of these people or situations so I have no real interest invested. If someone has done bad things, I won't stoop to their level, but I call them out for their crappy behavior. People are usually shocked by this because bullies are usually never confronted. I don't know if it applies to this case.

For Sarahbear to have posted this, it must be bothering her at some level. Sarahbear, you should do what you feel is right. You know the situation best.

 

[Missy]

Absolutely not. Wouldn't go. Wouldn't feel guilty and wouldn't feel we owe anyone an explanation either. As JaneSmith wrote, "I loathe family BS" and I will extend that to I loathe BS of any kind. My tolerance is zero for it these days. As I get older I get more discriminating and less tolerant of stupidity, rudeness, BS, you name it.
I wouldn't care if they did pay for our airfare etc. I still wouldn't want to go based on what you told us. Period. No need to preface it with ifs, and's or buts.

ETA: And I probably wouldn't send a gift. Depends. Did he send a gift to your wedding Sarah?

 

[baby nurse]

Our family has similar issues and there's no way I would travel with my two little ones. We've done it in the past and were treated with contempt for our efforts. So nope, no way.

 

[NOYFB]

Nope. And I wouldn't even feel guilty about it.

Honestly, I'm surprised a save-the-date was even sent to you and your DH. Of course, that was probably his fiance's doing....

 

[mrs jam]

Some of the strong reactions here leave me confused. What is so horrible about receiving a wedding invite from a couple that you have little to no interaction with??? Half of the wedding invites I have received are from couples that I don't know very well. Big freaking deal. It's not that difficult to exercise common courtesy, decline nicely, and send a gift.

 

[Laila619]

Eh, I might go just for FIL's sake, and to extend an olive branch of sorts.

My cousin never RSVPed to my wedding, nor did she ever say even a simple "Congrats", but I did go to hers.

 

[LAJennifer]

This seems to me to be all about FIL. I seriously doubt that D wants you there. Send regrets to D, and a nice card with or without smallish gift for the wedding.

I loathe family BS. Good luck.

This. My DH didn't invite his step sisters to our wedding. Life is too short to spend time around people you don't really like.

If I lived in town I would consider attending (if they are serving good cake) but I wouldn't go out out of my way.

 

[JewelFreak]

Traveling with little kids is a tough gig -- most people understand if even friends can't make a wedding under those circumstances, with the hassle AND expense, plus time off work, I suppose.

A future relationship between D & your DH doesn't sound like a winning bet. I don't see the point in going. This is not "family." It is 2 families who intersected for a relatively brief time & don't seem much interested in continuing that.

I'd send a gift with a nice note & one of those "we'd love to have you come visit" kind of tone. Being gracious, but sparing yourself the not-inconsiderable headache the trip would bring you.

--- Laurie

 

[Missy]

Some of the strong reactions here leave me confused. What is so horrible about receiving a wedding invite from a couple that you have little to no interaction with??? Half of the wedding invites I have received are from couples that I don't know very well. Big freaking deal. It's not that difficult to exercise common courtesy, decline nicely, and send a gift. I just don't get all the anger evident here.

Consider yourself lucky then that you have never had to deal with family crap. And fwiw we usually only get invited to the weddings of people we know and like... why do you get invited to so many weddings of people you don't know well?

 

[SB621]

Thanks everyone for the response. In retrospect I guess I should have changed my title to be something like "should I feel guily..." I really have no problem saying no to the wedding based off the fact that even if we liked them/ talked to them all the time- we wouldn't go because of our kids. My issue is really with how adamant my FIL is being about this entire thing. He has another son (DH"s half brother) who can't go because he lives further away then us and also has young kids. FIL doesn't seem to care about that but then again this brother never lived in a house with D.

Anyhow I just put my big girl panties on and emailed my FIL saying we wouldn't be attending as it is just too much with the kiddos and that I hoped he would respect our decision. I guess I will see what happens. When the actual invite comes later this summer I will politely decline and wish them the best on becoming Mr. and Mrs.

Now the real question- do i have to get them a gift? Normally I wouldn't even question this but they didn't get us anything for our wedding. DH told me to buy them something really generic off the registry and call it quits. If anything this entire issue has really put some stress on his already thinning relationship with his father so I think he is being a little if you know what I mean.

 

[Missy]

Based on the fact he didn't give you guys a wedding gift then no. I wouldn't give them one. But I would write a nice note with the RSVP decline wishing them all the best. And I wouldn't feel guilty at all.

 

[lulu]

Nope, I wouldn't bother.